Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC

All posts by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW

How to Spot Fake People: Understanding Inauthentic Behavior

In today’s world, authenticity is a valuable trait in social interactions. Genuine relationships are built on trust, honesty, and empathy, but unfortunately, some individuals exhibit behaviors that indicate insincerity. Identifying “fake” people can help maintain healthier relationships and avoid emotional manipulation. Below, we explore common traits of inauthentic individuals and the psychological explanations behind these behaviors.

1. Overly Nice – Excessive Flattery Feels Unnatural

Fake people often use excessive flattery to gain favor. Research indicates that insincere compliments, also known as ingratiation, can be used as a manipulative strategy to achieve personal gain (Jones, 1990). While genuine kindness fosters trust, flattery without sincerity may indicate hidden motives.

2. Inconsistent Behavior – Acting Differently Around Different People

Social chameleons alter their behavior based on their audience, making them difficult to trust. According to Snyder (1974), high self-monitors change their personalities depending on the situation, which can be perceived as deceptive.

3. Gossips a Lot – If They Talk About Others, They’ll Talk About You

Gossiping excessively is a red flag, as it signals a lack of loyalty. Research suggests that while some gossip serves social bonding purposes, malicious gossip is often driven by insecurity and the need for social dominance (Foster, 2004).

4. Lacks Empathy – Dismisses Others’ Feelings

Empathy is a key characteristic of genuine people. Studies show that individuals with lower levels of empathy are more likely to manipulate others for personal gain (Batson et al., 1997). Dismissing others’ emotions can indicate a lack of concern for their well-being.

5. Always the Victim – Never Takes Responsibility

Fake people often play the victim to avoid accountability. Research on self-victimization suggests that people who frequently present themselves as victims may engage in manipulation to gain sympathy or avoid blame (Zitek et al., 2010).

6. Only Around When They Need Something – Disappears Otherwise

Authentic friendships involve mutual support, whereas fake friends appear only when they need help. This behavior aligns with instrumental relationships, where individuals use others for their own benefit (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).

7. Fake Smiles – Doesn’t Reach Their Eyes

A genuine smile, known as the Duchenne smile, engages both the mouth and the eyes (Ekman & Friesen, 1982). Fake smiles, which lack eye involvement, can indicate inauthenticity.

8. Over-Promises, Under-Delivers – Says a Lot, Does Little

Trust is built on consistency. Research suggests that people who overpromise often do so to appear competent, but failing to deliver damages credibility (Weiner, 1986).

9. Brags Constantly – Always Trying to Impress

Bragging is often a sign of insecurity rather than confidence. A study by Scopelliti et al. (2015) found that self-promotion often backfires, making individuals appear less likable.

10. Contradicts Themselves – Their Stories Don’t Add Up

Inconsistencies in someone’s narrative can be a sign of dishonesty. Cognitive load theory suggests that maintaining lies requires significant mental effort, leading to contradictions (Sweller, 1988).

11. Plays Both Sides – Two-Faced Behavior

People who act differently in front of others often struggle with genuine relationships. This aligns with research on Machiavellianism, which describes individuals who manipulate others for personal gain (Christie & Geis, 1970).

12. Lack of Real Depth – Conversations Stay Shallow

Superficial conversations often indicate a reluctance to form deep emotional connections. Research suggests that meaningful conversations are linked to increased well-being and stronger social bonds (Mehl et al., 2010).

13. Quick to Judge – Always Criticizing Others

Excessive criticism can be a defense mechanism. According to projection theory, people who are highly critical of others may be projecting their own insecurities (Freud, 1911).

14. Competes With You – Tries to One-Up Everything You Do

A competitive attitude can stem from low self-esteem. Studies show that people who engage in social comparison often experience decreased self-worth (Festinger, 1954).

15. Dismissive of Your Success – Downplays Your Achievements

Envy can drive fake friends to belittle others’ successes. According to Smith et al. (1996), people experiencing envy often downplay others’ achievements to maintain their self-image.

Recognizing these behaviors can help protect against manipulation and toxic relationships. Building connections with authentic, empathetic individuals fosters trust and emotional well-being. If you notice these signs in someone, it may be beneficial to set boundaries and prioritize relationships that bring genuine support and positivity.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Batson, C. D., et al. (1997). “Empathy and Prosocial Behavior.” Psychological Bulletin.
  • Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). “The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation.” Psychological Bulletin.
  • Christie, R., & Geis, F. (1970). Studies in Machiavellianism. Academic Press.
  • Ekman, P., & Friesen, W. V. (1982). “Felt, False, and Miserable Smiles.” Journal of Nonverbal Behavior.
  • Festinger, L. (1954). “A Theory of Social Comparison Processes.” Human Relations.
  • Foster, E. K. (2004). “Research on Gossip: Taxonomy, Methods, and Future Directions.” Review of General Psychology.
  • Freud, S. (1911). “Psychoanalytic Notes on an Autobiographical Account of a Case of Paranoia.” The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud.
  • Jones, E. E. (1990). Interpersonal Perception. W.H. Freeman.
  • Mehl, M. R., et al. (2010). “Eavesdropping on Happiness: Well-Being is Related to Having Less Small Talk and More Substantive Conversations.” Psychological Science.
  • Scopelliti, I., et al. (2015). “You Call It Self-Exuberance; I Call It Bragging.” Psychological Science.
  • Snyder, M. (1974). “Self-Monitoring of Expressive Behavior.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
  • Sweller, J. (1988). “Cognitive Load During Problem Solving: Effects on Learning.” Cognitive Science.
  • Weiner, B. (1986). An Attributional Theory of Motivation and Emotion. Springer.
  • Zitek, E. M., et al. (2010). “Victim Entitlement to Behave Selfishly.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Never Be Afraid to Start Over: You Are Starting With Experience

Have you ever felt scared to start something new? Maybe you had to switch schools, try a different sport, or move to a new place. It can feel like you’re starting from nothing, but that’s not true! When you start over, you are not starting from scratch—you are starting with experience.

Why Starting Over Can Be Scary

Change can be hard. People often feel nervous about trying something new because they don’t know what will happen (Dweck, 2006). It’s normal to feel afraid of failure, but mistakes are part of learning. Even when things don’t go as planned, you still gain knowledge and skills that help you in the future.

Experience Helps You Grow

When you start over, you already know things you didn’t know before. Maybe you learned what works and what doesn’t. Psychologists say that learning from past experiences helps people grow and get better at solving problems (Bandura, 1977). Every time you try again, you bring more wisdom with you.

For example, imagine you’re learning to ride a bike. The first time you try, you might fall. But after a few tries, you figure out how to balance. If you stop and start again later, you’re not truly starting over—you’re using what you already learned.

Famous People Who Started Over

Many successful people had to start over. Walt Disney’s first company failed, but he used what he learned to create Disney (Thomas, 1991). Oprah Winfrey was fired from her first TV job, but she kept going and became one of the most famous talk show hosts (Krohn, 2010). These people didn’t give up. They learned from their experiences and tried again.

How to Be Brave When Starting Over

If you ever feel nervous about a new beginning, remember these tips:

  • Think of what you have learned. Every challenge teaches you something useful.
  • Believe in yourself. Your experience makes you stronger.
  • See mistakes as lessons. They are stepping stones to success.
  • Take small steps. You don’t have to do everything at once.

Conclusion

Starting over is not a bad thing—it’s a chance to use what you’ve learned. Every experience makes you smarter, stronger, and better prepared. So, don’t be afraid to try again. You are not starting from nothing; you are starting with experience!

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
  • Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House.
  • Krohn, K. (2010). Oprah Winfrey: A Twentieth-Century Life. New York: Viking.
  • Thomas, B. (1991). Walt Disney: An American Original. New York: Disney Editions.

The Best Times to Stay Silent: A Simple Guide

Sometimes, staying quiet is the best thing you can do. Knowing when to talk and when to listen can help you avoid trouble, show respect, and even help you feel calmer. This article explains the best times to stay silent and why it matters.

1. During an Argument

When people are angry, they often say things they don’t mean. Studies show that when emotions are high, people don’t think as clearly (Gross, 2002). If you stay silent, you give yourself time to calm down and think before speaking. Experts say that good relationships work better when people take a moment to reflect before responding (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

2. When Someone Else is Talking

Listening is an important skill. People who listen well build stronger relationships (Brownell, 2012). If you interrupt or talk over someone, they may feel like you don’t care about what they are saying. Staying quiet while they speak shows respect and helps you understand them better.

3. When Dealing with the Law

If you ever talk to the police, staying silent until you have a lawyer is a smart choice. In the U.S., the Fifth Amendment allows people to stay quiet so they don’t say something that could be used against them (Miranda v. Arizona, 1966). Lawyers suggest staying silent until you have legal help (Dressler, 2019).

4. When You Don’t Know the Facts

If you don’t know much about a topic, it’s better to listen and learn instead of guessing. Studies show that people who think they know everything often make mistakes (Dunning & Kruger, 1999). Staying quiet until you know the facts makes you look smarter and helps avoid spreading wrong information.

5. When You Need to Think

Silence is good for your mind. Meditation and quiet time can help reduce stress and make you feel better (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). Taking time to think and reflect can help you make better decisions and understand your feelings.

6. When Silence Can Prevent a Fight

Sometimes, saying nothing is the best way to stop a fight from getting worse. Studies show that people who stay calm and quiet can help prevent arguments from getting out of control (Bushman, 2002). This works well in school, at home, and in public places.

7. When Words Could Hurt Someone

If your words might hurt someone’s feelings, it may be better to stay quiet. When people are sad or going through a hard time, they may not need advice—they just need someone to listen (Neimeyer, 2001). Sometimes, silence is the best way to show kindness.

Silence isn’t just the absence of words—it’s a powerful way to think, listen, and stay out of trouble. Whether you’re in an argument, learning something new, or dealing with a tough situation, knowing when to stay quiet can make life better.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Brownell, J. (2012). Listening: Attitudes, Principles, and Skills (5th ed.). Pearson.
  • Bushman, B. J. (2002). “Reducing Aggression: The Benefits of Delaying Retaliatory Responses.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(5), 867-877.
  • Dressler, J. (2019). Understanding Criminal Law (8th ed.). Carolina Academic Press.
  • Dunning, D., & Kruger, J. (1999). “Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One’s Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(6), 1121-1134.
  • Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.
  • Gross, J. J. (2002). “Emotion Regulation: Affective, Cognitive, and Social Consequences.” Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291.
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. Hyperion.
  • Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning Reconstruction and the Experience of Loss. American Psychological Association.
Essential Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Marriage: A Guide to Building a Strong Foundation

Marriage is a significant life commitment that requires deep understanding, mutual respect, and shared values between partners. Before embarking on this lifelong journey, it is crucial to have open and honest conversations about key aspects of life to ensure compatibility and alignment. The questions listed in the image above provide a structured approach to addressing critical topics before marriage. This article explores each question in depth, supported by research and expert opinions on relationship success.

1. What Are Your Financial Goals, and How Can We Try to Reach Them?

Financial compatibility is one of the strongest predictors of marital success (Dew, Britt, & Huston, 2012). Studies show that financial disagreements are among the top reasons couples divorce (Stanley & Markman, 2020). Discussing financial goals, budgeting, and spending habits early on can help prevent conflicts. Couples should be transparent about income, debt, savings, and financial planning to create a joint strategy for financial stability.

2. Do You Want Children, and What Would We Do If We Struggle to Get Pregnant?

Discussions about parenthood are essential, as differing opinions on having children can create long-term dissatisfaction in relationships (Guzzo, 2014). This question also touches on fertility challenges, a topic that affects many couples. According to the CDC (2021), about 10% of women experience infertility issues. Exploring alternative options such as adoption, IVF, or living child-free ensures alignment in expectations.

3. What’s Your Communication Style?

Effective communication is the backbone of a healthy relationship. Couples who practice active listening and open dialogue report higher levels of satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Understanding whether a partner is direct, passive, or conflict-avoidant can help navigate future disagreements constructively.

4. What’s Your Biggest Fear?

Being vulnerable about fears fosters emotional intimacy and trust (Brown, 2012). Knowing a partner’s fears—whether they are related to failure, abandonment, or health—allows for better emotional support and reassurance in the relationship.

5. What Does Marriage Mean to You?

Marriage can symbolize different things to different people—companionship, religious commitment, partnership, or security. Research by Finkel et al. (2014) suggests that couples with a shared understanding of marriage’s purpose experience greater relationship fulfillment.

6. How Much Alone Time Do You Need?

While togetherness is important, personal space also plays a crucial role in maintaining a healthy relationship. Research indicates that individuals who maintain independence and personal hobbies report higher marital satisfaction (Perel, 2017). Understanding each partner’s need for solitude can help prevent resentment and misunderstandings.

7. What Are Your Relationship Deal-Breakers?

Every individual has personal boundaries and non-negotiables. Common deal-breakers include infidelity, substance abuse, or lack of ambition (Joel, MacDonald, & Page-Gould, 2017). Open discussions about limits and expectations prevent future conflicts and ensure compatibility.

8. How Can I Help You When You’re Stressed?

Stress management is a critical aspect of marital life. According to research, partners who provide emotional support during stressful times strengthen their relationship bonds (Neff & Karney, 2009). Discussing coping mechanisms and preferred support methods can enhance emotional connection.

9. How Do We Deal with Our In-Laws?

In-law relationships can be a source of tension in marriage. Studies indicate that maintaining healthy boundaries while fostering respectful relationships with extended family contributes to marital happiness (Fingerman et al., 2012). Setting clear expectations on involvement, visits, and decision-making helps prevent conflicts.

10. What Are Your Expectations on Sex?

Sexual intimacy plays a fundamental role in marital satisfaction. Research by McCarthy & McCarthy (2016) highlights that couples who openly discuss their sexual preferences, boundaries, and expectations experience greater sexual satisfaction and relationship stability. Open conversations about frequency, desires, and comfort levels ensure that both partners feel valued and fulfilled.

Discussing these questions before marriage can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen a couple’s foundation. Open communication, shared values, and mutual respect are key to long-term relationship success. Couples who take the time to explore these topics proactively are more likely to build a strong, fulfilling partnership.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
  • CDC. (2021). Infertility. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from www.cdc.gov
  • Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61(4), 615-628.
  • Fingerman, K. L., Sechrist, J., & Birditt, K. (2012). Changing views on intergenerational ties. The Gerontologist, 52(2), 272-282.
  • Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The suffocation of marriage. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(6), 459-464.
  • Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
  • Guzzo, K. B. (2014). Childbearing desires and stability of cohabiting unions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 418-430.
  • Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Page-Gould, E. (2017). Romantic relationship deal breakers. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(3), 295-311.
  • McCarthy, B. W., & McCarthy, E. J. (2016). Rekindling desire: A step-by-step program to help low-sex and no-sex marriages. Routledge.
  • Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2009). Stress and reactivity to daily relationship experiences. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97(3), 435-450.
  • Perel, E. (2017). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.
  • Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2020). Assessing commitment in personal relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(4), 515-526.