All posts by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW

Moving On After Divorce: A Guide to Healing and New Beginnings

Divorce marks a significant life transition and can be a profoundly challenging experience. Whether the separation was amicable or contentious, moving on from a divorce requires time, self-care, and practical strategies to rebuild your life. This article offers a comprehensive guide to navigating this emotional journey and finding a path toward healing and renewal.

Understanding the Emotional Landscape

The end of a marriage often brings a whirlwind of emotions, from sadness and anger to relief and confusion. Recognizing and validating these feelings is crucial for healing. Here are some common emotional stages people experience after a divorce:

1. Shock and Denial: Initially, you may struggle to accept the reality of the divorce. It’s normal to feel disoriented and question the validity of your decision.

2. Anger and Resentment: Anger towards your ex-spouse, yourself, or the situation is common. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings without letting them dominate your life.

3. Bargaining and Guilt: You might find yourself wishing you had acted differently or trying to reconcile. Guilt and regret are natural but should be managed constructively.

4. Depression and Sadness: Feelings of sadness and loss can be overwhelming. It’s crucial to address these feelings rather than suppress them.

5. Acceptance and Moving Forward: Over time, you’ll reach a point of acceptance. This phase involves embracing the reality of your new life and starting to plan for the future.

Practical Steps to Move On

Moving on from a divorce involves both emotional and practical adjustments. Here are some steps to help guide you through the process:

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve: Give yourself permission to grieve the end of your marriage. This process can be cathartic and is a necessary step in moving forward. Consider journaling, talking to a therapist, or joining a support group to express your emotions.

2. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your physical and emotional well-being. Exercise regularly, eat healthily, and get enough sleep. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as hobbies or spending time with loved ones.

3. Rebuild Your Identity: Divorce often challenges your sense of self. Reconnect with activities and interests that define you outside of the relationship. Explore new hobbies, pursue personal goals, and rediscover what makes you unique.

4. Establish New Routines: Creating new routines can help provide structure and stability. Whether it’s a new exercise regimen, a different work schedule, or social activities, these routines can offer a sense of normalcy and purpose.

5. Seek Professional Support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor to work through complex emotions and gain perspective. Professional support can be invaluable in helping you navigate the transition and develop coping strategies.

6. Set Boundaries with Your Ex: If you have ongoing interactions with your ex-spouse, especially if you share children, setting clear boundaries can help reduce emotional stress. Establishing respectful and functional communication channels is essential for co-parenting and maintaining personal peace.

7. Plan for the Future: Start setting personal and professional goals. Whether it’s advancing your career, pursuing further education, or planning a move, having goals can provide motivation and a sense of direction.

8. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Social connections can provide emotional support, practical assistance, and opportunities for social engagement.

9. Embrace Change: Understand that change is a natural part of life. While it can be uncomfortable, embracing change allows you to adapt and grow. View this period as an opportunity for personal development and new beginnings.

10. Practice Patience and Compassion: Healing takes time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Recognize that setbacks are part of the process and approach yourself with kindness and understanding.

Finding Joy and Fulfillment

As you move forward, focus on creating a fulfilling and joyful life. Engage in activities that bring you happiness and connect with others who uplift and support you. Rediscovering your passions and interests can help you build a new, satisfying chapter in your life.

Moving on after a divorce is a complex and deeply personal journey. By acknowledging your emotions, taking practical steps, and focusing on self-care and personal growth, you can navigate this transition with resilience and optimism. Remember that healing is a gradual process, and each step you take brings you closer to a renewed sense of purpose and fulfillment. Embrace this new chapter with hope and confidence, knowing that a brighter future awaits.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

Sources

Recognizing Gaslighting: A Guide to Understanding and Addressing Manipulative Behavior

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic designed to make someone doubt their own reality, memory, or perceptions. The term originates from the 1938 play “Gas Light,” in which a husband uses subtle tricks to make his wife question her sanity. In modern contexts, gaslighting can occur in various relationships—personal, professional, or even through media. Recognizing gaslighting is crucial for maintaining your mental well-being and safeguarding your sense of reality. Here’s how to identify gaslighting and what steps you can take to address it.

Signs of Gaslighting

1. Doubt About Your Reality

Gaslighting often begins with making you question your own perceptions and memories. The gaslighter may insist that events happened differently than you remember or deny things they’ve said or done, even when you’re confident about your version of events.

• Frequent Denial

A gaslighter might regularly deny their previous statements or actions. For example, they might argue that they never said something hurtful, despite your clear recollection. This denial can leave you feeling uncertain about your own memories and judgments.

• Shifting Blame

In a gaslighting scenario, the manipulator may blame you for their own mistakes or shortcomings. For instance, if they’re late or forgetful, they might accuse you of not reminding them properly, shifting responsibility away from themselves.

• Minimizing Your Feelings

Gaslighters often downplay or invalidate your emotions, suggesting that you’re overreacting or too sensitive. This can make you question whether your feelings are justified and can lead you to doubt your emotional responses.

• Isolation

Gaslighting can involve efforts to isolate you from friends, family, or other sources of support. The gaslighter might undermine your relationships or create conflict to make you more dependent on them.

• Inconsistent Behavior

The gaslighter’s erratic or inconsistent behavior can create confusion and insecurity. You might feel as though you’re walking on eggshells, not knowing what to expect or how to respond.

• Contradicting Facts

Gaslighters may present information in a way that contradicts your knowledge or experience, creating confusion. They might alter facts or provide misleading information to make you doubt your understanding of situations.

• Rewriting History

Over time, a gaslighter may frequently revise past events to fit their narrative. This historical revisionism can make it challenging for you to remember events as they occurred and can erode your sense of reality.

• Undermining Confidence

Repeated gaslighting can erode your self-esteem and make you more reliant on the gaslighter for validation. Their manipulative behavior can cause you to question your own worth and judgment.

1. Excessive Justifications

Gaslighters often provide elaborate justifications for their behavior, making their actions seem reasonable or excusable. This can make you doubt whether their behavior is truly problematic or if you’re misinterpreting their actions.

Steps to Address Gaslighting

1. Document Your Experiences

Keeping a journal of incidents and conversations can help you maintain a clear record of events and interactions. This documentation can be useful in validating your experiences and countering attempts to distort reality.

• Seek External Validation

Share your experiences with trusted friends, family members, or a mental health professional. External perspectives can help you gain clarity and affirm your reality.

• Establish Boundaries

Clearly communicate your boundaries with the gaslighter and assert your need for respectful and honest interactions. If the gaslighter refuses to respect your boundaries, consider distancing yourself from them.

• Prioritize Self-Care

Take care of your emotional and mental well-being through activities that promote relaxation and self-awareness. Engage in practices such as mindfulness, therapy, or journaling to reinforce your sense of self.

• Educate Yourself

Understanding gaslighting and its effects can empower you to recognize and address manipulative behavior. Knowledge is a powerful tool in maintaining your sense of reality and well-being.

• Seek Professional Help

Therapy or counseling can be invaluable for processing the effects of gaslighting and rebuilding your self-esteem. A mental health professional can provide strategies for coping and recovering from manipulative behavior.

Recognizing and addressing gaslighting is essential for maintaining your mental health and sense of reality. By understanding the signs of gaslighting and taking proactive steps to address it, you can protect yourself from manipulation and reaffirm your own perceptions and experiences. Remember, your reality is valid, and you deserve to be treated with respect and honesty.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

Sources

Gabbard, G. O., & Holmes, D. S. (2008). Textbook of Psychotherapeutic Treatments. American Psychiatric Publishing.

Karpman, S. (1968). “Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis.” Transaction Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39-43.

Lependorf, J. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—And Break Free. Wiley.

Mason, M. (2018). Gaslighting: The Psychology of Manipulation. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

Sullivan, H. S. (1953). The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry. W.W. Norton & Company.

Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts. Harcourt.

Walker, L. E. (2017). The Battered Woman Syndrome. Springer Publishing Company.

Wilson, C., & Pence, E. (2014). The Impact of Gaslighting on Mental Health. Journal of Psychological Research, 12(4), 67-82.

Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. Hogarth Press.

Young, K. (2020). Gaslighting: Recognize and Stop Emotional Abuse and Manipulation. Independently Published.

How to Not Take Yourself So Seriously: A Guide to Lightening Up

In a fast-paced, achievement-driven world, it’s easy to get caught up in taking life—and ourselves—too seriously. Whether it’s at work, in relationships, or during personal challenges, an overly serious attitude can lead to stress, anxiety, and even hinder personal growth. Learning how to lighten up, laugh at yourself, and maintain perspective can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Why Do We Take Ourselves So Seriously?

Several psychological and social factors contribute to the tendency to take ourselves too seriously. These include perfectionism, societal expectations, fear of judgment, and a desire to control outcomes. Psychologist Albert Ellis, known for his Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), emphasized that people often create unnecessary stress by setting rigid expectations for themselves and others, leading to feelings of frustration and disappointment (Ellis, 1997).

Cultural pressure also plays a role. In societies where productivity, success, and personal achievement are highly valued, the stakes can feel incredibly high. Individuals often feel the need to maintain a “perfect” image, fearing that any sign of failure or imperfection will be judged harshly by others.

Benefits of Not Taking Yourself Too Seriously

Letting go of self-seriousness offers numerous psychological and emotional benefits. According to research published in the journal *Personality and Individual Differences*, individuals who exhibit higher levels of self-compassion and humor tend to have lower levels of anxiety and depression, and are better able to cope with challenges (Stieger, Wellinger, & Roberts, 2019).

By allowing yourself to laugh at your mistakes and imperfections, you gain resilience. Instead of seeing failures as personal shortcomings, you can view them as opportunities for growth. Humor, in particular, serves as a powerful coping mechanism in difficult situations, reducing stress and enhancing well-being.

Practical Strategies to Stop Taking Yourself Too Seriously

Here are some evidence-based strategies to help you lighten up:

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, emphasizes the importance of treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Instead of berating yourself for mistakes or perceived failures, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that imperfection is part of being human (Neff, 2011).

2. Develop a Growth Mindset

Psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on mindset shows that individuals who adopt a “growth mindset” (believing that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort) are more likely to embrace challenges and view failures as learning experiences. This approach fosters resilience and reduces the pressure to appear flawless (Dweck, 2006).

3. Laugh at Yourself

Humor is a powerful tool for diffusing stress and putting things into perspective. Laughter can help you step outside of a situation, view it objectively, and reduce its emotional impact. Embracing humor also helps break down social barriers, making you more relatable and less self-conscious (Martin, 2007).

4. Challenge Perfectionistic Thinking

   Perfectionism is a major driver of self-seriousness. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques can help individuals recognize and challenge perfectionistic thinking patterns. Instead of striving for unrealistic standards, set achievable goals and learn to accept good-enough outcomes (Flett & Hewitt, 2014).

5. Focus on the Bigger Picture

A common reason people take themselves too seriously is getting lost in the minutiae of daily life. Step back and ask yourself: Will this matter in a year? In five years? This practice of reframing helps you gain perspective and reduces the immediate intensity of situations.

6. Surround Yourself with Positive, Humorous People

The people you surround yourself with have a big impact on your attitude. If you spend time with people who can laugh at themselves and take life in stride, their lighthearted approach is likely to rub off on you. Social support is a key factor in maintaining mental and emotional well-being (Cohen & Wills, 1985).

7. Mindfulness and Meditation

Mindfulness practices help cultivate awareness of the present moment without judgment. This helps reduce over-identification with negative thoughts and fosters a more relaxed approach to life’s challenges. Studies show that mindfulness can significantly lower stress and improve overall mental health (Kabat-Zinn, 1990).

The Role of Humor in Letting Go

Humor has long been recognized as a powerful psychological tool. Sigmund Freud believed that humor allowed the conscious mind to release tension and cope with stress. Modern research supports this idea, suggesting that humor promotes psychological flexibility, which is the ability to adapt to different situations with ease (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).

Humor also creates social bonds. When you’re able to laugh at your own quirks and mishaps, it shows humility and relatability, making it easier for others to connect with you. This not only improves your relationships but also boosts your own sense of well-being.

Not taking yourself too seriously is a skill that can be developed over time. By practicing self-compassion, adopting a growth mindset, using humor, and focusing on the bigger picture, you can reduce stress and cultivate a more joyful, resilient approach to life. Embrace imperfection, laugh at your mistakes, and remember that life is too short to be taken too seriously.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

• Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. *Psychological Bulletin*, 98(2), 310-357.
• Dweck, C. S. (2006). *Mindset: The new psychology of success*. Random House.
• Ellis, A. (1997). *How to Control Your Anxiety Before It Controls You*. Citadel Press.
• Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2014). *Perfectionism in Personality and Psychopathology: A Vulnerability Perspective*. American Psychological Association.
• Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). *Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness*. Delacorte Press.
• Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. *Clinical Psychology Review*, 30(7), 865-878.
• Martin, R. A. (2007). *The Psychology of Humor: An Integrative Approach*. Academic Press.
• Neff, K. (2011). *Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself*. HarperCollins.
• Stieger, S., Wellinger, S., & Roberts, B. W. (2019). Humor as a stress coping strategy. *Personality and Individual Differences*, 147, 35-40.

Coping with Insomnia: Strategies for Better Sleep

Insomnia, characterized by difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, affects millions of people worldwide. This condition can have profound effects on both physical and mental health, leading to fatigue, irritability, impaired cognitive function, and a decreased quality of life. Coping with insomnia involves a multifaceted approach that combines lifestyle changes, behavioral techniques, and sometimes medical intervention. Here’s a comprehensive guide to managing insomnia effectively.

Understanding Insomnia

Insomnia can be classified into several types:

• Acute Insomnia: Short-term sleep problems often triggered by stress, travel, or temporary disruptions.
• Chronic Insomnia: Long-term sleep difficulties lasting for at least three months and occurring at least three times per week.
• Secondary Insomnia: Sleep issues resulting from another condition, such as depression, anxiety, or chronic pain.

Identifying the underlying cause of insomnia is crucial for effective management. Common causes include stress, poor sleep hygiene, medical conditions, medications, and lifestyle factors.

Strategies for Coping with Insomnia

1. Adopt a Consistent Sleep Schedule

Maintaining a regular sleep schedule helps regulate the body’s internal clock. Aim to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends. This consistency reinforces your body’s natural sleep-wake cycle and improves overall sleep quality.

• Create a Relaxing Bedtime Routine

Establishing a calming pre-sleep routine can signal your body that it’s time to wind down. Consider activities such as reading, taking a warm bath, practicing relaxation exercises, or listening to soothing music. Avoid stimulating activities and screens (phones, tablets, computers) before bedtime, as blue light can interfere with melatonin production, a hormone that regulates sleep.

• Optimize Your Sleep Environment

Your sleep environment plays a significant role in sleep quality. Ensure your bedroom is conducive to rest by:

1. Keeping it cool, dark, and quiet.
   1. Using comfortable bedding and a supportive mattress.
   1. Minimizing noise and light disturbances (e.g., using blackout curtains and white noise machines).

• Monitor Your Diet and Caffeine Intake

What you eat and drink can impact your sleep. Avoid large meals, caffeine, and alcohol close to bedtime. Caffeine, found in coffee, tea, and some sodas, can stay in your system for hours and disrupt sleep. Similarly, alcohol may initially make you drowsy but can lead to fragmented sleep later in the night.

• Engage in Regular Physical Activity

Regular exercise promotes better sleep and overall health. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise most days of the week. However, avoid vigorous exercise close to bedtime, as it may have a stimulating effect and interfere with sleep.

• Practice Relaxation Techniques

Relaxation techniques can help reduce stress and anxiety, which are common contributors to insomnia. Techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation can calm your mind and prepare your body for sleep. Apps and guided sessions can assist with practicing these techniques.

• Limit Naps

While napping can be beneficial, long or irregular napping during the day can negatively impact nighttime sleep. If you need to nap, aim for short naps (20-30 minutes) and avoid napping late in the afternoon.

• Address Underlying Health Issues

Sometimes insomnia is a symptom of an underlying health condition, such as depression, anxiety, or chronic pain. Addressing these issues with appropriate treatment can improve sleep. Consult with a healthcare provider for a comprehensive evaluation and management plan.

• Consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) is a structured program designed to address the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to insomnia. It includes components such as cognitive restructuring (changing negative thought patterns about sleep), behavioral techniques (like stimulus control and sleep restriction), and sleep education. CBT-I has been shown to be effective in treating chronic insomnia and is often recommended by sleep specialists.

1. Evaluate Medication Use

Some medications can contribute to sleep disturbances. Review any medications you are taking with your healthcare provider to determine if they might be affecting your sleep. In some cases, adjusting the dosage or switching medications may help improve sleep quality.

1. Stay Positive and Patient

Managing insomnia can be challenging, and improvements may take time. Stay patient and persistent with your strategies. Keeping a sleep diary to track your sleep patterns, habits, and any contributing factors can be helpful in identifying patterns and making necessary adjustments.

When to Seek Professional Help

If insomnia persists despite trying various strategies, or if it is significantly affecting your daily life and well-being, consider seeking professional help. A healthcare provider or sleep specialist can conduct a thorough evaluation, identify potential underlying causes, and recommend appropriate treatments or therapies. In some cases, medical interventions or sleep studies may be necessary to diagnose and address specific sleep disorders.

Coping with insomnia requires a comprehensive approach that combines lifestyle adjustments, behavioral techniques, and, if necessary, medical intervention. By adopting a consistent sleep schedule, creating a relaxing bedtime routine, optimizing your sleep environment, and addressing underlying health issues, you can improve your sleep quality and overall well-being. Persistence and patience are key, as effective management of insomnia often involves trial and error. With the right strategies and support, it is possible to achieve better sleep and enhance your quality of life.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

Sources:

American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM). (2020). Sleep Hygiene. Retrieved from https://www.sleepeducation.org/essentials-in-sleep/sleep-hygiene

American Psychological Association (APA). (2021). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/sleep/therapy

Hirshkowitz, M., Whiton, K., Albert, S. M., Alessi, C., Bruni, O., DonCarlos, L., … & Moul, D. E. (2015). National Sleep Foundation’s Sleep Time Duration Recommendations: Methodology and Results Summary. Sleep Health, 1(1), 40-43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleh.2014.12.010

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment—and Your Life. Sounds True.

National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS). (2022). Insomnia. Retrieved from https://www.ninds.nih.gov/Disorders/All-Disorders/Insomnia-Information-Page

Roth, T., & Roehrs, T. (2016). Insomnia: Epidemiology, Characteristics, and Consequences. Clinical Cornerstone, 14(1), 9-15. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ccell.2016.04.002

Walker, M. P. (2017). Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams. Scribner.

Wang, Y., Yang, C., & Liang, Y. (2020). Effects of Exercise on Sleep Quality: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 16(7), 1167-1177. https://doi.org/10.5664/jcsm.8552

World Sleep Society. (2019). World Sleep Day 2019: Sleep and Aging. Retrieved from https://www.worldsleepsociety.org/sleep-and-aging

Zafirluk, A., & Kothare, S. V. (2018). Pharmacological Treatment of Insomnia: A Review of Available Options. International Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 14(6), 1073-1083. https://doi.org/10.5664/jcsm.7348