Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC

Category Marriage

How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce? A 2–3 Year Recovery Timeline

Divorce is more than the legal dissolution of a marriage—it is an emotional unraveling of a life built with another person. The aftermath can feel like grieving a death, as individuals often mourn not only the loss of the relationship but also the future they once envisioned. While recovery is highly individual, mental health professionals and research suggest it typically takes two to three years to emotionally recover from a divorce (Sbarra et al., 2015; Anderson, 2020).

Divorce as a Grief Process

The emotional journey after divorce mirrors the classic grief process, first identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, which includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are not always linear, and individuals may move back and forth through them multiple times:

  • Denial: “This can’t be happening.” A person may struggle to accept the end of the relationship, often clinging to hope for reconciliation.
  • Anger: Anger at the ex-partner, the situation, or even oneself is common. This can manifest as blame, resentment, or emotional outbursts.
  • Bargaining: One might dwell on “what ifs” and attempt to reverse or reframe the situation mentally.
  • Depression: Feelings of deep sadness, isolation, and hopelessness are frequent in this phase. This is often the most painful and longest-lasting stage.
  • Acceptance: With time, individuals begin to accept the reality of the divorce, make peace with it, and start moving forward.

Grieving a marriage is complex because it involves the loss of a partner, a routine, a shared identity, and sometimes a social circle. It also often requires adjusting to co-parenting, financial shifts, and living alone—each with its own emotional weight.

Year-by-Year Breakdown: What Recovery Often Looks Like

While timelines can vary, many divorced individuals follow a general pattern of recovery over the course of two to three years.

Year 1: Survival and Emotional Overload

  • Focus: Immediate adjustment
  • Emotions: Shock, sadness, anger, anxiety
  • Tasks: Coping with the legal process, adjusting to new routines, managing finances, navigating co-parenting
  • Support needs: Therapy, legal guidance, emotional support

This first year is about survival. Many experience emotional swings and feel as though they’re constantly reacting to stress. It is not unusual for individuals to question their worth, experience sleep or appetite changes, and feel overwhelmed by daily tasks.

Year 2: Processing and Restructuring

  • Focus: Emotional healing and reflection
  • Emotions: Sadness may remain but is often less intense; occasional nostalgia, emerging clarity
  • Tasks: Grieving what was lost, exploring independence, testing new routines or relationships
  • Support needs: Continued counseling, support groups, rebuilding social circles

This year often marks the transition from raw pain to reflection. Individuals start reclaiming their identity outside of the marriage. Many begin asking deeper questions: “Who am I now?” or “What do I want going forward?” It’s a year of inner work and growth.

Year 3: Acceptance and Rebuilding

  • Focus: Growth and reinvention
  • Emotions: Increased stability, hope, confidence
  • Tasks: Setting new life goals, forming deeper relationships, solidifying new routines
  • Support needs: Life coaching, career development, future planning

By the third year, many report feeling more like themselves again—or even better versions of themselves. There may still be emotional flare-ups, especially around anniversaries or when co-parenting challenges arise, but these moments are typically less intense and more manageable. Individuals often begin to thrive rather than just survive.

Factors That Influence the Timeline

Several variables can affect how long it takes to recover from divorce:

  • Who initiated the divorce: Initiators may begin grieving earlier and move on faster (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002).
  • Length and intensity of the marriage: Longer and more emotionally enmeshed relationships may take longer to mourn.
  • Presence of children: Co-parenting can extend emotional entanglement and complicate healing.
  • Support network: Emotional support from friends, family, or therapists can significantly reduce the length of suffering.
  • Mental health history: Individuals with anxiety, depression, or trauma history may take longer to recover.

Divorce is a deeply painful process that takes time to heal. The emotional recovery typically spans two to three years, with each year serving a unique role in helping individuals grieve, rebuild, and eventually embrace a new chapter. Understanding the grief process and the phases of recovery can help normalize the experience and empower individuals to move through it with hope and resilience.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Anderson, R. (2020). Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. Da Capo Press.
  • Holmes, T. H., & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The social readjustment rating scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2), 213–218.
  • Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company.
  • Sbarra, D. A., Hasselmo, K., & Bourassa, K. J. (2015). Divorce and health: Beyond individual differences. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(2), 109–113.
  • Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.

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Essential Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Marriage: A Guide to Building a Strong Foundation

Marriage is a significant life commitment that requires deep understanding, mutual respect, and shared values between partners. Before embarking on this lifelong journey, it is crucial to have open and honest conversations about key aspects of life to ensure compatibility and alignment. The questions listed in the image above provide a structured approach to addressing critical topics before marriage. This article explores each question in depth, supported by research and expert opinions on relationship success.

1. What Are Your Financial Goals, and How Can We Try to Reach Them?

Financial compatibility is one of the strongest predictors of marital success (Dew, Britt, & Huston, 2012). Studies show that financial disagreements are among the top reasons couples divorce (Stanley & Markman, 2020). Discussing financial goals, budgeting, and spending habits early on can help prevent conflicts. Couples should be transparent about income, debt, savings, and financial planning to create a joint strategy for financial stability.

2. Do You Want Children, and What Would We Do If We Struggle to Get Pregnant?

Discussions about parenthood are essential, as differing opinions on having children can create long-term dissatisfaction in relationships (Guzzo, 2014). This question also touches on fertility challenges, a topic that affects many couples. According to the CDC (2021), about 10% of women experience infertility issues. Exploring alternative options such as adoption, IVF, or living child-free ensures alignment in expectations.

3. What’s Your Communication Style?

Effective communication is the backbone of a healthy relationship. Couples who practice active listening and open dialogue report higher levels of satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Understanding whether a partner is direct, passive, or conflict-avoidant can help navigate future disagreements constructively.

4. What’s Your Biggest Fear?

Being vulnerable about fears fosters emotional intimacy and trust (Brown, 2012). Knowing a partner’s fears—whether they are related to failure, abandonment, or health—allows for better emotional support and reassurance in the relationship.

5. What Does Marriage Mean to You?

Marriage can symbolize different things to different people—companionship, religious commitment, partnership, or security. Research by Finkel et al. (2014) suggests that couples with a shared understanding of marriage’s purpose experience greater relationship fulfillment.

6. How Much Alone Time Do You Need?

While togetherness is important, personal space also plays a crucial role in maintaining a healthy relationship. Research indicates that individuals who maintain independence and personal hobbies report higher marital satisfaction (Perel, 2017). Understanding each partner’s need for solitude can help prevent resentment and misunderstandings.

7. What Are Your Relationship Deal-Breakers?

Every individual has personal boundaries and non-negotiables. Common deal-breakers include infidelity, substance abuse, or lack of ambition (Joel, MacDonald, & Page-Gould, 2017). Open discussions about limits and expectations prevent future conflicts and ensure compatibility.

8. How Can I Help You When You’re Stressed?

Stress management is a critical aspect of marital life. According to research, partners who provide emotional support during stressful times strengthen their relationship bonds (Neff & Karney, 2009). Discussing coping mechanisms and preferred support methods can enhance emotional connection.

9. How Do We Deal with Our In-Laws?

In-law relationships can be a source of tension in marriage. Studies indicate that maintaining healthy boundaries while fostering respectful relationships with extended family contributes to marital happiness (Fingerman et al., 2012). Setting clear expectations on involvement, visits, and decision-making helps prevent conflicts.

10. What Are Your Expectations on Sex?

Sexual intimacy plays a fundamental role in marital satisfaction. Research by McCarthy & McCarthy (2016) highlights that couples who openly discuss their sexual preferences, boundaries, and expectations experience greater sexual satisfaction and relationship stability. Open conversations about frequency, desires, and comfort levels ensure that both partners feel valued and fulfilled.

Discussing these questions before marriage can prevent misunderstandings and strengthen a couple’s foundation. Open communication, shared values, and mutual respect are key to long-term relationship success. Couples who take the time to explore these topics proactively are more likely to build a strong, fulfilling partnership.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
  • CDC. (2021). Infertility. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from www.cdc.gov
  • Dew, J., Britt, S., & Huston, S. (2012). Examining the relationship between financial issues and divorce. Family Relations, 61(4), 615-628.
  • Fingerman, K. L., Sechrist, J., & Birditt, K. (2012). Changing views on intergenerational ties. The Gerontologist, 52(2), 272-282.
  • Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The suffocation of marriage. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(6), 459-464.
  • Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
  • Guzzo, K. B. (2014). Childbearing desires and stability of cohabiting unions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 418-430.
  • Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Page-Gould, E. (2017). Romantic relationship deal breakers. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(3), 295-311.
  • McCarthy, B. W., & McCarthy, E. J. (2016). Rekindling desire: A step-by-step program to help low-sex and no-sex marriages. Routledge.
  • Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2009). Stress and reactivity to daily relationship experiences. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97(3), 435-450.
  • Perel, E. (2017). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.
  • Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2020). Assessing commitment in personal relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(4), 515-526.

Too Clingy in a Relationship? Understanding Causes, Effects, and Solutions

Clinginess in a relationship often stems from deep-seated emotional needs, past experiences, or attachment styles. While emotional closeness is essential in a relationship, excessive clinginess can create stress and imbalance between partners. This article explores the psychological roots of clingy behavior, its impact on relationships, and strategies to foster healthier attachment patterns.

Understanding Clinginess in Relationships

Being “too clingy” typically refers to an excessive need for reassurance, constant communication, or an overdependence on a partner for emotional stability. Psychologists often link clinginess to attachment styles, particularly anxious attachment, which is characterized by fear of abandonment, high sensitivity to rejection, and a strong desire for closeness (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

Causes of Clingy Behavior

  1. Attachment Styles
    • According to attachment theory, individuals develop attachment patterns based on their early interactions with caregivers. Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to exhibit clingy behavior in romantic relationships, fearing that their partner will leave them (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth et al., 1978).
  2. Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity
    • Individuals with low self-esteem often seek validation from their partners to feel worthy and secure. A study by Murray et al. (2000) found that people with lower self-esteem tend to be more dependent on their partners’ approval, leading to clingy behaviors.
  3. Past Relationship Trauma
    • Individuals who have experienced abandonment, infidelity, or emotional neglect in past relationships may develop clingy tendencies as a defense mechanism against future loss (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2007).
  4. Fear of Abandonment
    • Fear of abandonment can be deeply rooted in childhood experiences or previous relationships. Studies suggest that unresolved childhood trauma, such as parental divorce or inconsistent caregiving, can lead to anxious behaviors in adulthood (Cassidy & Shaver, 2008).
  5. Codependency
    • Codependency refers to excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, often to the detriment of personal well-being (Beattie, 1987). Clingy individuals may struggle with personal identity outside of their romantic relationship.

Signs of Being Too Clingy

Clinginess manifests in different ways, including:

  • Constant need for reassurance: Frequently seeking affirmation of love and commitment.
  • Over-dependence: Relying on a partner for emotional stability or decision-making.
  • Jealousy and possessiveness: Feeling threatened by a partner’s friendships or activities.
  • Excessive communication: Sending frequent texts or calls and feeling anxious without immediate responses.
  • Lack of personal boundaries: Feeling uncomfortable when apart from the partner for extended periods.

Effects of Clingy Behavior on Relationships

  1. Increased Relationship Strain
    • Overdependence on a partner can create emotional exhaustion and frustration, leading to resentment and conflict (Simpson et al., 1992).
  2. Loss of Personal Identity
    • Individuals who prioritize their relationship over personal growth may struggle with self-identity, leading to decreased self-confidence and autonomy (Feeney, 1999).
  3. Push-Pull Dynamic
    • Clinginess may lead to a push-pull effect, where the partner withdraws due to feeling overwhelmed, which in turn causes the clingy partner to seek even more reassurance (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
  4. Reduced Attraction and Intimacy
    • Research suggests that excessive neediness can lead to a loss of attraction and intimacy over time, as partners may feel suffocated rather than excited about the relationship (Fraley & Davis, 1997).

How to Overcome Clingy Behavior

1. Develop Secure Attachment Patterns

  • Engaging in self-awareness practices and therapy can help individuals shift from anxious attachment to secure attachment (Johnson, 2004).

2. Build Self-Esteem and Independence

  • Strengthening self-worth through hobbies, friendships, and career goals can reduce dependence on a partner for validation (Neff & Vonk, 2009).

3. Improve Communication and Boundaries

  • Establishing healthy boundaries and practicing open communication about needs and expectations helps create a balanced relationship (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

4. Address Past Trauma

  • Therapy, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Attachment-Based Therapy, can help individuals process past relationship traumas and develop healthier emotional responses (Levy et al., 2006).

5. Learn to Self-Soothe

  • Developing coping mechanisms such as mindfulness, journaling, and relaxation techniques can reduce anxiety and promote self-regulation (Siegel, 2012).

Conclusion

While seeking emotional connection is natural in relationships, excessive clinginess can create challenges for both partners. By understanding the underlying causes, recognizing unhealthy patterns, and fostering self-growth, individuals can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships based on security, trust, and mutual independence.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  • Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Publishing.
  • Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Basic Books.
  • Cassidy, J., &
Marriage and Happiness

Marriage is often idealized as the pinnacle of love and fulfillment—a fairy-tale ending where happiness is guaranteed. The idea that marriage is a ticket to perpetual joy, however, is a misguided notion that sets couples up for disappointment. While happiness is an important component of a healthy marriage, entering into matrimony with the sole purpose of achieving personal happiness is a fundamentally flawed premise. True marital satisfaction comes from commitment, mutual growth, and shared purpose rather than the fleeting emotion of happiness.

Happiness is Not a Constant State

One of the greatest misconceptions about marriage is that it will sustain perpetual happiness. However, research in psychology suggests that happiness is a fluctuating emotional state influenced by numerous factors, including individual well-being, life circumstances, and external stressors (Lyubomirsky, 2007). Expecting a spouse to provide continual happiness places undue pressure on the relationship, often leading to dissatisfaction when reality does not match expectations.

Studies indicate that while marriage can contribute to overall well-being, the “honeymoon phase” of heightened happiness typically fades within the first two years (Lucas et al., 2003). Once the initial excitement subsides, couples who entered marriage seeking continuous joy may feel disillusioned, mistaking normal relationship challenges as signs of incompatibility or failure.

Marriage Requires Effort, Not Just Emotion

Sustainable, long-term marriages are not built on transient feelings but on mutual effort and resilience. The work of Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, emphasizes that successful relationships depend on factors such as emotional attunement, conflict resolution skills, and shared meaning (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Couples who focus solely on personal happiness often neglect the foundational aspects of a relationship, such as communication, compromise, and commitment.

Instead of seeing marriage as a source of happiness, couples should approach it as a partnership where both individuals strive to build a fulfilling life together. This perspective aligns with findings that marital satisfaction is linked to a shared sense of purpose and emotional support rather than just romantic bliss (Finkel et al., 2014).

Marriage is About Giving, Not Just Receiving

A marriage centered on individual happiness can quickly devolve into a transactional relationship, where each partner evaluates whether they are getting enough personal satisfaction. This mindset undermines the essence of marriage, which thrives on giving rather than just receiving. Research shows that acts of generosity and selflessness within a marriage contribute to deeper satisfaction and long-term stability (Algoe et al., 2010).

When individuals enter marriage with a self-focused mindset, they may struggle with the inevitable sacrifices and compromises that come with a shared life. True marital fulfillment arises when partners prioritize mutual growth, emotional intimacy, and a shared vision rather than individual gratification.

Happiness is a Byproduct, Not the Goal

When marriage is approached with the understanding that happiness is a byproduct of commitment rather than the primary objective, couples are more likely to build enduring relationships. Happiness in marriage stems from deep connection, shared experiences, and the ability to navigate life’s challenges together. Expecting marriage to provide happiness without effort is like expecting a garden to flourish without watering and tending to it.

Instead of asking, “Will marriage make me happy?” a more constructive question is, “Am I ready to commit, grow, and build a life with this person?” When happiness is viewed as a natural consequence of a healthy relationship rather than the sole reason for getting married, couples are better prepared for the realities of a lifelong partnership.

If the primary reason for getting married is to be happy, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Happiness is not a permanent state but a byproduct of commitment, mutual support, and shared purpose. A fulfilling marriage requires effort, resilience, and a willingness to grow together, rather than expecting one’s partner to be a constant source of joy. Those who enter marriage with the right mindset—one of dedication and mutual enrichment—are far more likely to experience lasting satisfaction and a deeper, more meaningful connection.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It’s the Little Things: Everyday Gratitude as a Booster Shot for Romantic Relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217–233.
  • Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The Suffocation of Marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow Without Enough Oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 1–41.
  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  • Lucas, R. E., Clark, A. E., Georgellis, Y., & Diener, E. (2003). Reexamining Adaptation and the Set Point Model of Happiness: Reactions to Changes in Marital Status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(3), 527–539.
  • Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Penguin.