Category Relationships

Be Intentional with the Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It creates emotional, physical, and mental bonds that bring couples closer and strengthen their connection. However, as relationships evolve, life’s pressures can lead to intimacy taking a back seat, often resulting in emotional distance. To maintain a vibrant and loving relationship, it’s crucial to be intentional with intimacy—whether it’s emotional, physical, or sexual. By being purposeful and mindful about nurturing closeness, couples can prevent drift and reignite the spark.

 The Importance of Intentional Intimacy

Intentional intimacy refers to the conscious effort to foster closeness and connection in a relationship. Unlike the spontaneous passion that may occur in the early stages of romance, intentional intimacy requires ongoing dedication, particularly in long-term relationships. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship dynamics, asserts that couples who consistently prioritize emotional and physical connection are more likely to maintain a happy and fulfilling relationship over time. According to Gottman, small, intentional gestures of intimacy build emotional “love maps,” strengthening the bond between partners.

 Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of Connection

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires with your partner in a way that promotes vulnerability and trust. However, this level of connection doesn’t happen automatically; it requires effort and communication.

To be intentional about emotional intimacy, couples must create spaces for deep conversations. This could involve setting aside time for regular check-ins, where both partners can share their feelings openly. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that “secure attachment” is critical to emotional intimacy, as it allows partners to feel safe and supported by one another. This sense of security leads to greater emotional closeness and satisfaction in the relationship .

 Tips to Cultivate Emotional Intimacy:

  • Schedule regular “talk time”: Dedicate time each week for uninterrupted conversation where you both share thoughts, worries, and dreams.
  • Practice active listening: Show genuine interest in your partner’s experiences and validate their emotions. This strengthens emotional trust.
  • Share appreciations daily: Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s qualities and actions nurtures a positive emotional climate.

 Physical Intimacy: Small Gestures with Big Impact

Physical intimacy is not limited to sexual activity; it also includes everyday gestures like holding hands, hugging, and cuddling. Research shows that physical touch can significantly impact relationship satisfaction by boosting oxytocin levels, also known as the “bonding hormone,” which fosters feelings of connection and security.

Being intentional with physical intimacy involves incorporating these gestures into your daily routine. Small acts, such as a hug before leaving for work or holding hands during a walk, can be powerful ways to maintain closeness. Physical affection communicates love, care, and comfort, helping partners feel valued and connected even during stressful times.

 Ways to Enhance Physical Intimacy:

  • Increase non-sexual touch: Hugs, kisses, holding hands, and gentle touches are important ways to stay physically connected.
  • Create physical routines: For example, commit to greeting each other with a hug after a long day or cuddling for a few minutes before bed.
  • Make space for sexual intimacy: While everyday touch is important, carving out time for sexual connection helps keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive.

 Sexual Intimacy: Rediscovering Passion with Purpose

Sexual intimacy is an essential part of most romantic relationships, and over time, it can become less frequent or less satisfying if not intentionally prioritized. Many couples assume that sexual connection will naturally occur, but as relationships progress and life becomes busier, this often isn’t the case.

Sex therapist Esther Perel argues that to sustain passion in a long-term relationship, couples must balance intimacy with desire. Intentionality in the sexual relationship might involve scheduling time for intimacy, exploring new ways to connect, or discussing each partner’s desires and boundaries . This level of communication fosters trust and helps partners feel safe expressing their needs.

 Strategies for Reigniting Sexual Intimacy:

  • Schedule time for intimacy: While it may seem unromantic, planning for intimacy ensures that it remains a priority amidst busy schedules.
  • Explore together: Be open to trying new activities, discussing fantasies, or changing the environment to rediscover desire.
  • Communicate openly about desires: Honest conversations about sexual needs and boundaries help ensure both partners feel satisfied and respected.

 The Power of Intentional Acts of Love

In a fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in work, parenting, or other responsibilities, leaving little time for nurturing intimacy. However, small, intentional acts of love can be transformative. Whether it’s a simple “I love you” text during the day, a thoughtful compliment, or spending five minutes hugging, these gestures remind your partner that they are cherished and loved.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the “Five Love Languages” offers insight into how couples can be intentional in expressing love in ways that are meaningful to their partner. By learning whether your partner values words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, you can engage in targeted acts of love that resonate deeply .

 Building a Culture of Intentional Intimacy

Being intentional about intimacy doesn’t mean grand gestures or elaborate plans—it means consistently showing up for your partner and nurturing the connection. As author Brene Brown explains, vulnerability is key to fostering true intimacy. When couples intentionally create space for vulnerability, they build a deeper emotional and physical connection that sustains their relationship over time .

 Practical Steps for Building Intentional Intimacy:

  1. Schedule regular date nights: Make time for each other away from the stresses of daily life to focus on the relationship.
  2. Check-in daily: Even a brief conversation about your day can keep you emotionally connected.
  3. Celebrate small moments: Intimacy grows through appreciating the small, everyday moments of life together.
  4. Express affection frequently: Whether through words or touch, let your partner know they are loved.

 Conclusion

Intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. Being intentional about emotional, physical, and sexual closeness fosters deeper connections, strengthens trust, and rekindles passion. By making small but meaningful efforts to prioritize intimacy, couples can move beyond autopilot and rediscover the love and connection that brought them together in the first place.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

How to Stop Being Roommates and Start Being Lovers Again:  Part 2 Prioritizing Intimacy

In long-term relationships, it’s common for couples to fall into a routine where they feel more like roommates than lovers. The pressures of daily life, such as work, children, and household responsibilities, can erode intimacy over time. As passion fades, couples may find themselves living parallel lives, disconnected emotionally and physically. However, reigniting the flame is possible. By prioritizing intimacy, couples can reconnect and move from being mere roommates back to lovers.

 Understanding the “Roommate Syndrome”

The “roommate syndrome” occurs when partners cohabit but feel emotionally distant, interact primarily out of necessity, and rarely engage in activities that foster closeness. This phenomenon can result in feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment. According to psychologist John Gottman, emotional neglect is one of the primary reasons couples drift apart. In Gottman’s research, happy couples maintain emotional intimacy by continually turning toward each other for connection rather than turning away or ignoring one another .

 Why Intimacy Matters

Intimacy is essential to a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship. It involves emotional connection, physical affection, and mutual vulnerability. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that intimacy creates a sense of security and belonging in relationships . Without intimacy, partners may feel unloved and unimportant, which can eventually erode the foundation of the relationship. Prioritizing intimacy can help rebuild emotional bonds and create an environment where romance can flourish again.

Strategies to Rebuild Intimacy

  1. Make Time for Each Other

One of the most effective ways to reconnect is to intentionally carve out time for your partner. According to a study by the National Marriage Project, couples who spend quality time together at least once a week are more likely to experience higher levels of marital satisfaction . Date nights, shared hobbies, or simply taking a walk together can create opportunities for meaningful conversation and emotional connection.

  • Communicate Openly and Honestly

Open communication is crucial for intimacy. Partners need to express their desires, fears, and frustrations without fear of judgment. Regular check-ins where each partner shares their thoughts and feelings can help ensure that both are on the same page. In Dr. Harville Hendrix’s “Imago Relationship Therapy,” couples are encouraged to use conscious dialogue, which involves listening without interrupting and validating the other person’s emotions . This type of communication fosters emotional intimacy and reduces conflict.

  • Reignite Physical Affection

Physical intimacy is a key component of romantic relationships. While emotional closeness is crucial, physical affection also plays a significant role in reigniting passion. Studies show that physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or cuddling, releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which enhances bonding and emotional closeness . Making time for non-sexual physical affection can strengthen the relationship, leading to a more fulfilling sexual connection as well.

  • Prioritize Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy often diminishes in long-term relationships due to stress, fatigue, or routine. However, a healthy sexual relationship is important for many couples to feel close and connected. To rekindle the sexual spark, couples may need to approach intimacy with intention. Sex therapist Esther Perel suggests that desire requires distance, novelty, and excitement . Couples can reignite passion by trying new experiences, exploring fantasies, or simply setting aside uninterrupted time to be intimate.

  • Practice Gratitude and Affirmation

It’s easy to take each other for granted after years of partnership, but practicing gratitude can help reignite feelings of appreciation and love. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude research, expressing gratitude helps partners feel valued and strengthens the emotional bond between them . Couples can incorporate gratitude into their daily lives by acknowledging and thanking each other for small gestures, thereby fostering a more positive and loving atmosphere.

  • Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes, the emotional and physical distance between partners requires professional guidance to bridge. Couples therapy can provide tools to rebuild intimacy, improve communication, and address unresolved conflicts. Therapies such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been shown to be effective in helping couples reconnect and repair their relationship  .

 The Power of Small Gestures

Small daily gestures of love and affection can make a significant difference in rebuilding intimacy. Even seemingly insignificant acts, like making your partner coffee in the morning, leaving a kind note, or complimenting them, can show that you care. These moments of connection can accumulate over time, creating a foundation for deeper emotional and physical intimacy.

Revitalizing a relationship and moving from roommates to lovers again requires effort and commitment from both partners. By prioritizing intimacy—through communication, physical affection, shared experiences, and practicing gratitude—couples can restore their emotional and physical connection. Ultimately, rebuilding intimacy strengthens the relationship, making it more resilient to the challenges of life and deepening the bond between partners.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. National Marriage Project. (2011). “The Date Night Opportunity: What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Quality of Relationships?” University of Virginia.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  7. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.

Can Someone Change Their Love Language?

The concept of love languages was introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his 1992 book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.” Chapman’s theory posits that people express and experience love in one of five primary ways: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. These love languages help individuals and couples better understand each other’s emotional needs. A common question that arises is whether love languages are static or if they can change over time. In fact, research and anecdotal evidence suggest that a person’s love language can shift due to a variety of factors.

Understanding Love Languages

Chapman’s theory emphasizes that every individual has a primary love language—one that resonates the most in making them feel loved and appreciated. However, it’s important to recognize that love languages are not rigid personality traits but dynamic preferences that can evolve. According to Dr. Chapman, love languages are shaped by upbringing, cultural influences, and past experiences, but they are also adaptable as we navigate through life changes.

Can Love Languages Change?

Several factors can lead to shifts in a person’s love language over time:

  1. Life Transitions and Circumstances
    Major life events such as marriage, parenthood, career changes, or even personal crises can lead to a shift in how individuals prioritize love languages. For instance, someone whose primary love language used to be Words of Affirmation may find themselves valuing Acts of Service after becoming a parent. The practical help offered by a partner during stressful periods may feel like the most profound expression of love. Research suggests that significant life events and environmental contexts can shift what people value most in relationships (Neff & Karney, 2009).
  2. Changes in Relationship Dynamics
    As relationships evolve, partners may learn to express love in new ways or find new ways of feeling loved. A study by Horan & Booth-Butterfield (2013) found that partners in long-term relationships tend to adapt their communication styles and emotional expressions over time. In such cases, love languages can shift in response to changing relationship dynamics. For example, a person who previously valued Receiving Gifts may, over time, begin to prioritize Quality Time if the relationship has grown emotionally distant.
  3. Personal Growth and Emotional Maturity
    Emotional and psychological development can also influence a person’s love language. People evolve, and their emotional needs do too. An individual who has gone through therapy, for instance, may become more comfortable with Physical Touch after working through issues related to intimacy. Similarly, someone who has gained confidence or self-assurance might find that they now crave Words of Affirmation less than before. Research on emotional intelligence highlights that as people become more emotionally mature, their ways of connecting with others evolve (Schutte et al., 2001).

Adaptability and Communication in Relationships

It’s essential to note that just because a person’s love language may change doesn’t mean that love languages are irrelevant or overly fluid. The primary purpose of love languages is to enhance communication in relationships, and as such, being attuned to these shifts is crucial. When individuals notice their love language or their partner’s has changed, open communication is key to ensuring that both partners feel supported and loved.

According to Chapman (2010), couples should regularly check in with one another about their emotional needs, as this allows them to adapt and accommodate shifts in love languages. It’s not uncommon for couples to experience a shift in the ways they express love, especially as they mature and face new challenges together.

Conclusion

While a person’s love language may feel like an integral part of their identity, it’s clear that love languages can change over time. Whether influenced by life circumstances, relationship dynamics, or personal growth, individuals may find their emotional needs evolving. This is a natural part of human development. The key to sustaining healthy relationships lies in the ability to recognize and adapt to these changes through ongoing communication and mutual understanding.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. John has over 25 years experience in the Social Work Field. He currently serves as the Executive Director and Provider within Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health based out of London Kentucky. He may be reached at (606) 657-0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

Chapman, G. (1992). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing.
Chapman, G. (2010). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
Horan, S. M., & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2013). Understanding the Communicative Aspects of Love: Interpersonal Communication in Romantic Relationships. Communication Quarterly, 61(5), 552-567.
Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2009). Stress and Reappraisal of Marital Interactions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97(3), 561–576.
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., Simunek, M., McKenley, J., & Hollander, S. (2001). Characteristic Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Well-Being. Cognition & Emotion, 16(6), 769-785.

Women, Are You a Wife Worth Dying For?

The concept of sacrificial love in marriage is a deeply profound one, especially within the Christian tradition. Ephesians 5:25 commands, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This call for husbands to be willing to lay down their lives for their wives raises an important question: women, are you a wife worth dying for? This question invites reflection on what it means to be a wife who fosters a marriage worthy of such a selfless love.

The Mutual Nature of Sacrificial Love

Before exploring what makes a wife “worth dying for,” it’s important to understand the reciprocal nature of love within a biblical marriage. Ephesians 5:21 reminds us, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This mutual submission lays the foundation for how both husbands and wives are to treat each other—with love, respect, and selflessness.

While husbands are called to love their wives sacrificially, wives are likewise called to respect and support their husbands in ways that build up the marriage and the household. In this sense, both partners in the marriage are asked to give of themselves, though in different ways. As theologian R.C. Sproul notes, “The submission of the wife is a fitting response to the sacrificial love of the husband, which models the gospel message in its most basic form: giving oneself for the good of another.”

Cultivating a Relationship Worthy of Sacrifice

Being a wife worth dying for does not imply that a wife must achieve perfection or live up to an impossible standard. Instead, it refers to the qualities that contribute to a healthy, loving, and mutually fulfilling marriage. One key aspect is emotional and spiritual support. A wife who provides her husband with a sense of emotional security and encouragement creates an environment where love can thrive. She offers empathy, understanding, and compassion, making her husband feel valued and respected.

In Proverbs 31, we see a portrait of a virtuous wife whose actions benefit her entire household. “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value” (Proverbs 31:11). A wife who is trustworthy, hardworking, and loving creates a partnership where both husband and wife are lifted up. This is the kind of relationship that fosters deep, sacrificial love on both sides.

Christian marriage counselor and author Gary Thomas explains, “A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make, and you have to keep on making it.” Wives who actively invest in their marriages, who communicate well and build strong emotional connections, contribute to a relationship where sacrificial love can naturally flourish.

Building a Relationship of Mutual Growth

A wife worth dying for also understands that marriage is a journey of mutual growth. Both partners must be committed to growing together, learning from one another, and building a life that reflects their shared values and faith. This means cultivating a relationship based on forgiveness, grace, and patience.

Theologian Timothy Keller, in The Meaning of Marriage, speaks to the importance of grace in marital growth: “The reason marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is both painful and wonderful at once.” Just as Christ’s sacrificial love is transformative, so is the love that spouses share when they forgive, grow, and strive to be better partners.

Wives who are committed to personal and spiritual growth, both in themselves and in their marriage, are laying the groundwork for a love that is deep and abiding. A relationship built on mutual growth, where both partners continually seek to improve and support each other, is one worth cherishing and protecting at all costs.

The Power of Respect and Honor

Respect is often seen as one of the most important components in a successful marriage. For many men, feeling respected by their wives is central to feeling loved. In Ephesians 5:33, Paul writes, “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” A wife who respects her husband fosters an environment where he can lead with love and confidence.

This respect does not mean subservience or blind obedience, but rather recognizing the unique qualities and strengths that each partner brings to the marriage. Psychologist Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, explains that a man’s need for respect is deeply tied to his ability to love his wife well. When a wife shows respect for her husband, it encourages him to offer the kind of sacrificial love that Christ modeled for the church.

Conclusion: Are You Worth Dying For?

The idea of being a wife worth dying for is not about earning your husband’s love through perfection, but rather about fostering a marriage grounded in mutual love, respect, and growth. A wife who supports her husband emotionally, spiritually, and relationally creates an environment where sacrificial love can flourish.

Sacrificial love, at its core, is about giving of oneself for the benefit of the other. When both husband and wife embrace this mindset, the marriage becomes a reflection of Christ’s love for the church—a love so deep and abiding that it is worth laying down one’s life for.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  1. The Holy Bible, New International Version, Ephesians 5:21-33.
  2. Sproul, R.C. The Intimate Marriage: A Practical Guide to Building a Great Marriage. Reformation Trust Publishing, 2003.
  3. Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? Zondervan, 2000.
  4. Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. Penguin Books, 2011.
  5. Eggerichs, Emerson. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Thomas Nelson, 2004.
  6. The Holy Bible, New International Version, Proverbs 31:10-31.