Tag boundaries

Do I Manipulate My Parents?

Have you ever convinced your parents to change their minds by making them feel guilty, throwing a tantrum, or promising something you didn’t intend to follow through on? If so, you might be using manipulation. Don’t worry—you’re not alone, and this doesn’t make you a bad person. Understanding why you might manipulate and how to communicate better with your parents can make your relationships stronger and healthier.

What is Manipulation?

Manipulation means influencing someone to do what you want, often by using guilt, emotions, or other tactics. For example:

  • Complaining about how unfair rules are until your parents give in.
  • Saying, “You never let me do anything,” to make them feel bad.
  • Pitting your parents against each other to get a “yes” when one says “no.”

Sometimes manipulation happens without you even realizing it!

Why Do Teens Manipulate Their Parents?

It’s normal to want freedom, and you might think manipulating is the best way to get it. Here are some common reasons:

  1. Independence: You’re growing up and want to make your own decisions, but you might not know how to ask for it directly.
  2. Avoiding Conflict: Manipulation can feel easier than talking about what you really need or want.
  3. Testing Boundaries: You might be figuring out how far you can push the rules.
  4. Emotional Needs: If you feel misunderstood or ignored, manipulation might seem like the only way to get attention.

According to psychologist Dr. Laurence Steinberg, teens are still developing their ability to think long-term. This can make quick fixes like manipulation more appealing (Steinberg, 2014).

How to Tell If You’re Manipulating

Here are some signs to look for:

  • You often feel guilty after conversations with your parents.
  • You make promises you don’t plan to keep, like saying, “I’ll clean my room later,” but never do.
  • You use your emotions (anger, crying, etc.) to get what you want instead of calmly explaining why you need it.

If these behaviors sound familiar, it’s a good idea to try a different approach.

How to Communicate Instead of Manipulate

Healthy communication can help you get what you want without hurting your relationship with your parents. Here’s how to start:

  1. Be Honest
    Instead of twisting the truth, explain how you feel and what you need. For example, “I feel left out when my friends are allowed to go out, and I’m not. Can we talk about it?”
  2. Listen to Their Side
    Parents have reasons for their decisions, even if they seem unfair. Listening can help you understand their perspective.
  3. Compromise
    Negotiating, like agreeing to finish homework before hanging out with friends, shows responsibility.
  4. Stay Calm
    Even if you’re upset, try to speak calmly instead of yelling or crying. It helps them take you seriously.

Why It’s Important to Stop Manipulation

When you manipulate your parents, it might work temporarily, but it can hurt your relationship in the long run. Manipulation can make your parents feel disrespected or tricked, which can lead to mistrust. Learning to communicate honestly helps you build a relationship based on trust and mutual respect.

Figuring out how to get what you want without manipulation is a part of growing up. It might take practice, but learning to be open, honest, and calm with your parents will help them see you as mature and responsible. And remember, everyone makes mistakes—what matters is trying to do better.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the Executive Director and Outpatient Behavioral Health Therapist through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC based out of London Kentucky. He may be reached by phone (606) 657-0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.

References:

  1. Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012).The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
    • Explores how understanding brain development can improve parent-teen communication.
  2. Ginsburg, K. R. (2011).Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings. American Academy of Pediatrics.
    • Provides insights into fostering resilience and healthy relationships in teens.
  3. American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018).Parenting Your Teenager: Strategies for Building Trust and Respect.
    • Offers guidance on managing common challenges in adolescence and fostering mutual respect.
  4. Berk, L. E. (2020).Development Through the Lifespan (7th ed.). Pearson.
    • A comprehensive textbook on human development, including insights into the teenage years.
  5. Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). “Socialization in the Context of the Family: Parent-Child Interaction.” Handbook of Child Psychology.
    • Discusses how family dynamics influence adolescent behavior.
  6. Arnett, J. J. (2014).Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens Through the Twenties. Oxford University Press.
    • Explores the transition from adolescence to adulthood and its effects on behavior and relationships.
  7. American Psychological Association. (2020).
    • Articles and resources on adolescent development and communication strategies. Visit www.apa.org.
  8. Santrock, J. W. (2021).Adolescence (17th ed.). McGraw Hill.
    • Covers the psychological and social changes teens experience and their implications for family relationships.

Healthy Forms of Validation: Recognizing and Seeking Supportive Affirmation

Validation is the process of understanding, affirming, and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences. Receiving healthy validation plays an essential role in building self-esteem, enhancing relationships, and promoting emotional resilience. However, it’s essential to recognize and seek out validation that is healthy and constructive. Here’s an overview of different types of validation and strategies for recognizing and pursuing them effectively.

Why Validation Matters

Validation from others reassures us that our feelings and experiences are understood and accepted. Research shows that receiving consistent, positive validation from supportive people can lead to improved mental health, stronger relationships, and a more secure sense of self (Linehan, 1993). According to self-determination theory, validation can also foster autonomy, competence, and relatedness, which are essential for psychological well-being (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

However, relying solely on external validation can be harmful, leading to dependency and reduced self-esteem. Instead, it’s beneficial to balance seeking validation from others with developing self-validation practices.

1. Types of Healthy Validation

  • Emotional Validation: Emotional validation involves acknowledging and accepting someone’s feelings without judgment. This can be as simple as listening attentively, empathizing, and affirming that the other person’s feelings are understandable. Emotional validation reinforces that feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel what one feels (Linehan, 1993).
  • Validation of Effort and Progress: Praising effort rather than outcomes is a powerful form of validation that can reinforce persistence, self-compassion, and growth. Validating someone’s efforts, even if they fall short of success, promotes a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities to learn rather than sources of failure (Dweck, 2006).
  • Authentic Affirmations: Authentic affirmations recognize specific qualities, skills, or positive contributions that a person has shown. This validation should be specific rather than generic to reinforce self-worth in an honest, meaningful way (Wood et al., 2008).

2. Recognizing Healthy Validation

Healthy validation has distinct characteristics that make it different from unhealthy or superficial validation. Here’s how to identify it:

  • Respectful and Non-Judgmental: Healthy validation acknowledges your experiences without judgment or dismissal. Research shows that people who validate respectfully build stronger, more trusting relationships (Kross et al., 2014).
  • Specific and Genuine: Unlike generic praise, specific and genuine validation is grounded in real examples. For example, instead of saying “You’re smart,” healthy validation might sound like “I noticed how thoughtful you were when you solved that problem.” This specificity makes the affirmation more meaningful and believable (Wood et al., 2008).
  • Supportive but Not Enabling: Healthy validation encourages personal growth and resilience. It acknowledges your feelings and experiences without enabling unhelpful behaviors, promoting personal accountability and independence (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

3. How to Seek Out Healthy Validation

While it can be challenging to seek validation directly, there are strategies to create environments and relationships where it naturally occurs:

  • Communicate Openly: Sharing how you feel and what kind of support you need can help others understand your perspective and respond in validating ways. Research suggests that people who openly communicate their feelings are more likely to receive affirming responses, as clear communication reduces misunderstandings (Gottman, 2011).
  • Seek Supportive Relationships: Prioritize connections with people who genuinely care about your well-being and listen to you. Friendships and relationships that emphasize empathy, understanding, and honest feedback are more likely to offer healthy validation (Reis & Shaver, 1988).
  • Set Boundaries Around Validation-Seeking: Being mindful of how and when you seek validation can help prevent over-dependence on others. Seeking validation when genuinely needed, rather than as a habit, can help you distinguish between healthy support and dependency (Neff, 2003).

4. Building Self-Validation Skills

Relying on oneself for validation is a healthy, empowering practice that can lead to greater self-confidence and resilience:

  • Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is a form of self-validation that involves treating yourself kindly, especially during challenging times. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, practicing self-compassion can help you become your own source of validation, reducing dependency on external sources (Neff, 2003).
  • Acknowledge Your Own Efforts: Celebrating your progress, no matter how small, reinforces self-validation. This practice helps you recognize your own efforts, fostering a positive self-image and reducing the need for constant external approval (Dweck, 2006).
  • Mindfulness and Journaling: Reflecting on your experiences, thoughts, and emotions through mindfulness or journaling can help you recognize your feelings and validate them internally. This process strengthens self-awareness and helps you rely less on external feedback (Kabat-Zinn, 2003).

Conclusion

Validation is a powerful element of healthy relationships and self-esteem, but it’s essential to seek out healthy, constructive forms of affirmation. By recognizing the qualities of healthy validation, seeking it from supportive people, and building self-validation skills, individuals can enhance their emotional resilience and improve their overall well-being.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
  • Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W.W. Norton & Company.
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). American Psychological Association.
  • Kross, E., et al. (2014). Social rejection and the brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 18(1), 15-21.
  • Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
  • Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
  • Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In Handbook of Personal Relationships, 367-389.
  • Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
  • Wood, A. M., et al. (2008). The role of gratitude in the development of social support, stress, and depression: Two longitudinal studies. Journal of Research in Personality, 42(4), 854-871.

This article provides a guide to recognizing and seeking healthy forms of validation based on research and psychological theories. Let me know if there’s any area you’d like to explore in more depth.

What is Love Bombing and How to Avoid It
May be an image of 2 people and heart

In relationships, the initial stages are often filled with excitement, attention, and affection. However, there’s a line between genuine affection and manipulative behavior. One tactic that has become increasingly recognized and discussed is “love bombing.” This seemingly harmless form of intense affection can lead to harmful consequences for the individual on the receiving end. Let’s explore what love bombing is, the signs to watch for, and how to avoid falling into its trap.

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic where an individual overwhelms someone with excessive attention, compliments, and gifts to gain control over them. While the attention can feel flattering and genuine at first, it’s often a strategic ploy to create dependency and quickly escalate the relationship. The person performing the love bombing might shower their target with affection, constant communication, and seemingly sincere gestures, only to later use this bond for control and even emotional abuse.

The term “love bombing” is often associated with narcissistic personalities, as it serves their need for control, admiration, and validation. However, anyone can exhibit love bombing behavior, whether intentionally manipulative or subconsciously driven by their own insecurities.

Signs of Love Bombing

Recognizing love bombing can be challenging, as the behavior can easily be mistaken for genuine interest and passion. However, there are certain red flags that can help you identify it:

  • 1. Overwhelming Affection Too Quickly: In the early stages of a relationship, love bombers often express intense feelings of love and commitment. They may talk about your future together, use words like “soulmate,” or declare love within a few days or weeks.
  • 2. Constant Attention and Contact: While frequent communication is normal in budding relationships, love bombers will often take it to an extreme. They may bombard you with texts, calls, and social media messages, making it difficult for you to have personal space.
  • 3. Excessive Gift-Giving: Love bombers often shower their targets with expensive gifts or lavish gestures. While gifts can be a normal part of relationships, this behavior is typically marked by an extreme level of generosity meant to create a sense of obligation and guilt.
  • 4. Isolating You from Others: In an effort to create dependency, a love bomber may attempt to isolate you from friends and family. They might criticize your loved ones, make you feel guilty for spending time away, or frame others as obstacles to your relationship.
  • 5. Quick Escalation of Commitment: A love bomber may push for immediate commitment, such as moving in together or getting married. This is often a tactic to secure control over the relationship before you have time to question or evaluate it.

Why Love Bombing is Harmful

Love bombing can have serious emotional consequences. It often leads to confusion, dependency, and a cycle of highs and lows, as love bombers might suddenly withdraw their affection or exhibit controlling behaviors. This emotional rollercoaster can erode self-esteem and leave individuals feeling trapped and manipulated. Over time, the cycle can lead to more severe emotional or even physical abuse.

How to Avoid Love Bombing

  • 1. Take Your Time: Healthy relationships take time to build. Be cautious of relationships that move too quickly or seem “too good to be true.” If someone is pressuring you to commit or express deep feelings early on, it’s a sign to take a step back.
  • 2. Set Boundaries: Establish and maintain clear boundaries, even if the other person protests. Boundaries are essential for maintaining autonomy and ensuring that both parties are comfortable.
  • 3. Listen to Your Intuition: If something feels off, trust your gut. Love bombing can be intoxicating, but if you sense a lack of authenticity, don’t ignore it. Take note of any discomfort or hesitation, as these feelings often indicate a need to reassess the relationship.
  • 4. Maintain Your Support System: Keep in touch with friends and family and involve them in your relationship decisions. Love bombers often isolate their targets, so maintaining a strong support system can provide you with perspective and objective feedback.
  • 5. Observe Actions Over Time: Genuine affection is consistent and not overwhelming. Pay attention to how the person behaves over time, particularly if they continue to respect your boundaries and support your autonomy as the relationship progresses.
  • 6. Educate Yourself: Understanding manipulative behaviors like love bombing can help you recognize them in the future. By becoming aware of these tactics, you’re less likely to fall into their trap.

Love bombing is a deceptive tactic that may initially appear as passionate love but can ultimately lead to emotional harm. By being aware of the signs, trusting your intuition, and setting boundaries, you can protect yourself from manipulative relationships. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and a balanced exchange of affection. If someone’s behavior feels overwhelming or controlling, it’s okay to step back and re-evaluate the relationship. Remember, real love grows over time and doesn’t need to be forced.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Braiker, H. B. (2001). Who’s Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life. McGraw Hill.
  • Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2002). Narcissism and Commitment in Romantic Relationships: An Investment Model Analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(4), 484-495.
  • Freeman, L. (2018). Manipulative Behavior in Relationships: How to Spot It and Protect Yourself. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com
  • Hammond, C. (2018). The Dangers of Love Bombing: Recognize the Signs. Journal of Personal Relationships and Social Psychology, 75(2), 231-243.
  • Lancer, D. (2017). Dealing with Narcissists: How to Break Free from the Cycle of Manipulation and Abuse. Hazelden Publishing.
  • Stosny, S. (2019). Emotional Abuse in Intimate Relationships. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com
Does my teenager act “Entitled”? Understanding and Addressing Entitlement

Parents often encounter behavior in their teenagers that feels entitled—expecting special treatment, assuming privileges without effort, or displaying frustration when things don’t go their way. These behaviors can be confusing and frustrating, especially when parents aim to raise respectful, independent, and resilient young adults. Understanding what “entitlement” truly means, why it arises during adolescence, and how to address it can help parents navigate this challenging aspect of development.

1. Defining Entitlement in Teenagers

Entitlement is generally defined as an expectation of special treatment or privileges without reciprocal effort, responsibility, or appreciation. An “entitled” teenager may assume that their needs should come first, express frustration when they don’t get what they want, or expect rewards for minimal effort. This mindset can lead to struggles in relationships, academic settings, and future work environments if not addressed (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).

However, it’s important to distinguish normal adolescent self-focus from true entitlement. Adolescence is a time when teens are naturally centered on themselves as they explore their identities and seek independence. This phase of self-centeredness doesn’t always equal entitlement but can appear that way if certain behaviors aren’t balanced with empathy, responsibility, and appreciation.

2. Why Does Entitlement Develop in Teenagers?

Several factors contribute to the development of entitlement in teenagers, including societal influences, parenting styles, and the natural developmental processes of adolescence. Recognizing these influences can help parents understand the root causes and address entitlement more effectively.

A. Brain Development and the Adolescent Mindset

During the teenage years, the brain undergoes significant changes, particularly in areas responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. This makes teens more focused on their immediate needs and desires, which can amplify entitled behaviors (Blakemore, 2018). Teens’ developing brains make it harder for them to weigh long-term consequences, so they may seek instant gratification and resist responsibility or hard work (Siegel, 2013).

B. Influence of Consumer Culture and Social Media

Teenagers are constantly exposed to social media and advertising that promotes instant gratification, materialism, and a “have-it-all” mentality. These messages can reinforce a sense of entitlement by suggesting that everyone deserves the latest trend, special treatment, or success without much effort (APA, 2019). Social media can also create unrealistic comparisons, making teens feel entitled to lifestyles or privileges similar to those they see online (Pew Research Center, 2018).

C. Parenting Styles and Overprotection

Overly permissive or “helicopter” parenting can unintentionally foster entitlement. When parents shield teens from responsibility or clear obstacles in their path, teens may begin to assume that life should always go smoothly and that they deserve special accommodations (Lythcott-Haims, 2015). While parental support is vital, balancing it with appropriate expectations and responsibilities is key to avoiding entitled attitudes.

3. Signs of Entitlement in Teenagers

Recognizing entitlement in teens can sometimes be tricky, as it may overlap with normal adolescent behaviors. However, certain patterns can indicate entitlement:

  • Lack of Appreciation: They rarely express gratitude or acknowledge the efforts others make on their behalf.
  • Avoiding Responsibilities: They expect privileges without putting in the required effort or fulfilling responsibilities, like household chores or academic work.
  • Resistance to “No”: They struggle to handle denial, setbacks, or limitations, often reacting with frustration or defiance.
  • Sense of Deserving Special Treatment: They expect special accommodations or assume they should receive rewards for minimal effort (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).

These behaviors can often lead to frustration and conflict within the family, as well as difficulties in other social settings, if left unchecked.

4. Addressing and Reducing Entitlement in Teens

Addressing entitlement doesn’t mean stripping teens of their independence or denying them privileges. Instead, it involves setting healthy boundaries, encouraging gratitude, and fostering resilience. Here are some practical strategies:

A. Teach Responsibility Through Consequences

It’s essential to allow teens to experience the natural consequences of their actions. When they make a mistake or avoid responsibilities, allow them to feel the results rather than rescuing them. This helps them understand that privileges and rewards are earned, not automatically granted (Kobliner, 2017).

B. Encourage Empathy and Perspective-Taking

Help your teen understand how their actions impact others by encouraging empathy. Discuss scenarios where they consider others’ perspectives, whether it’s the effort parents put into providing for them or the responsibilities their peers manage. Empathy-building exercises can shift their focus from self-centered expectations to a more balanced view of relationships and responsibilities (Gottman & DeClaire, 1998).

C. Model and Encourage Gratitude

Practicing gratitude has been shown to reduce entitlement and promote well-being. Encourage your teen to regularly acknowledge things they’re thankful for, whether through a gratitude journal or family discussions. When teens recognize what they have, they’re less likely to expect special treatment (Emmons, 2007).

D. Promote a “Growth Mindset”

Carol Dweck’s concept of a “growth mindset” encourages teens to value effort, learning, and resilience rather than expecting instant success or rewards. Emphasize the importance of persistence and improvement rather than immediate outcomes. This helps teens shift their focus from entitlement to personal growth and responsibility (Dweck, 2006).

E. Set Boundaries Around Privileges

Provide structure around privileges by connecting them to responsibilities. For instance, allow certain privileges only when chores, schoolwork, or other tasks are completed. Explain that privileges are not guaranteed but are earned through responsible behavior. This creates a sense of accountability and helps teens see the link between effort and reward (Kobliner, 2017).

5. Understanding Entitlement as a Phase, Not a Personality

It’s important to remember that entitlement in teens is often a temporary phase rather than a permanent personality trait. As teens grow and gain real-world experiences, many naturally outgrow entitlement, developing a greater sense of empathy, gratitude, and responsibility. With consistent guidance, you can support this growth and help them develop into resilient, respectful adults (Siegel, 2013).

Conclusion: Fostering Respect and Responsibility in Place of Entitlement

Navigating entitlement in teenagers can be challenging, but it’s possible to guide them toward a healthier outlook with understanding and the right strategies. By teaching responsibility, modeling gratitude, and promoting empathy, parents can help teens balance their needs with an appreciation for others. Recognizing that entitlement is often a developmental phase can help parents approach the issue with patience, knowing that with guidance, their teen can grow into a more self-aware and considerate young adult.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  • American Psychological Association. (2019). The Effects of Social Media on Children and Adolescents. APA.
  • Blakemore, S. J. (2018). Inventing Ourselves: The Secret Life of the Teenage Brain. PublicAffairs.
  • Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
  • Emmons, R. A. (2007). Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Houghton Mifflin.
  • Gottman, J., & DeClaire, J. (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.
  • Kobliner, B. (2017). Make Your Kid a Money Genius (Even If You’re Not). Simon & Schuster.
  • Lythcott-Haims, J. (2015). How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. Henry Holt and Company.
  • Pew Research Center. (2018). Teens, Social Media & Technology 2018. Pew Research Center.
  • Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. TarcherPerigee.
  • Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.