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Do I Manipulate My Parents?

Have you ever convinced your parents to change their minds by making them feel guilty, throwing a tantrum, or promising something you didn’t intend to follow through on? If so, you might be using manipulation. Don’t worry—you’re not alone, and this doesn’t make you a bad person. Understanding why you might manipulate and how to communicate better with your parents can make your relationships stronger and healthier.

What is Manipulation?

Manipulation means influencing someone to do what you want, often by using guilt, emotions, or other tactics. For example:

  • Complaining about how unfair rules are until your parents give in.
  • Saying, “You never let me do anything,” to make them feel bad.
  • Pitting your parents against each other to get a “yes” when one says “no.”

Sometimes manipulation happens without you even realizing it!

Why Do Teens Manipulate Their Parents?

It’s normal to want freedom, and you might think manipulating is the best way to get it. Here are some common reasons:

  1. Independence: You’re growing up and want to make your own decisions, but you might not know how to ask for it directly.
  2. Avoiding Conflict: Manipulation can feel easier than talking about what you really need or want.
  3. Testing Boundaries: You might be figuring out how far you can push the rules.
  4. Emotional Needs: If you feel misunderstood or ignored, manipulation might seem like the only way to get attention.

According to psychologist Dr. Laurence Steinberg, teens are still developing their ability to think long-term. This can make quick fixes like manipulation more appealing (Steinberg, 2014).

How to Tell If You’re Manipulating

Here are some signs to look for:

  • You often feel guilty after conversations with your parents.
  • You make promises you don’t plan to keep, like saying, “I’ll clean my room later,” but never do.
  • You use your emotions (anger, crying, etc.) to get what you want instead of calmly explaining why you need it.

If these behaviors sound familiar, it’s a good idea to try a different approach.

How to Communicate Instead of Manipulate

Healthy communication can help you get what you want without hurting your relationship with your parents. Here’s how to start:

  1. Be Honest
    Instead of twisting the truth, explain how you feel and what you need. For example, “I feel left out when my friends are allowed to go out, and I’m not. Can we talk about it?”
  2. Listen to Their Side
    Parents have reasons for their decisions, even if they seem unfair. Listening can help you understand their perspective.
  3. Compromise
    Negotiating, like agreeing to finish homework before hanging out with friends, shows responsibility.
  4. Stay Calm
    Even if you’re upset, try to speak calmly instead of yelling or crying. It helps them take you seriously.

Why It’s Important to Stop Manipulation

When you manipulate your parents, it might work temporarily, but it can hurt your relationship in the long run. Manipulation can make your parents feel disrespected or tricked, which can lead to mistrust. Learning to communicate honestly helps you build a relationship based on trust and mutual respect.

Figuring out how to get what you want without manipulation is a part of growing up. It might take practice, but learning to be open, honest, and calm with your parents will help them see you as mature and responsible. And remember, everyone makes mistakes—what matters is trying to do better.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the Executive Director and Outpatient Behavioral Health Therapist through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC based out of London Kentucky. He may be reached by phone (606) 657-0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.

References:

  1. Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012).The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
    • Explores how understanding brain development can improve parent-teen communication.
  2. Ginsburg, K. R. (2011).Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings. American Academy of Pediatrics.
    • Provides insights into fostering resilience and healthy relationships in teens.
  3. American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018).Parenting Your Teenager: Strategies for Building Trust and Respect.
    • Offers guidance on managing common challenges in adolescence and fostering mutual respect.
  4. Berk, L. E. (2020).Development Through the Lifespan (7th ed.). Pearson.
    • A comprehensive textbook on human development, including insights into the teenage years.
  5. Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). “Socialization in the Context of the Family: Parent-Child Interaction.” Handbook of Child Psychology.
    • Discusses how family dynamics influence adolescent behavior.
  6. Arnett, J. J. (2014).Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens Through the Twenties. Oxford University Press.
    • Explores the transition from adolescence to adulthood and its effects on behavior and relationships.
  7. American Psychological Association. (2020).
    • Articles and resources on adolescent development and communication strategies. Visit www.apa.org.
  8. Santrock, J. W. (2021).Adolescence (17th ed.). McGraw Hill.
    • Covers the psychological and social changes teens experience and their implications for family relationships.

Helping Your Child Learn to Focus with ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that can make it challenging for children to focus on tasks, complete assignments, or stay organized. While ADHD presents unique challenges, parents can adopt effective strategies to help their child build focus and self-regulation skills. Below are research-backed techniques to support children with ADHD in learning how to focus.

1. Establish a Routine

Children with ADHD thrive on structure and predictability. Creating a daily schedule helps reduce distractions and provides clear expectations.

• Why it works: Routines help children anticipate what comes next, reducing anxiety and impulsivity (Pfeiffer, 2022).

• How to implement: Use visual schedules, timers, and reminders to organize daily activities, including homework, chores, and free time.

2. Break Tasks into Smaller Steps

Long or complex tasks can feel overwhelming for children with ADHD. Breaking assignments into smaller, manageable steps can increase focus and reduce frustration.

• Why it works: Research shows that smaller tasks are less intimidating and allow for frequent moments of accomplishment, reinforcing motivation (Barkley, 2021).

• How to implement: Use checklists or break down projects into timed segments, focusing on one step at a time.

3. Create a Distraction-Free Environment

An organized and distraction-free workspace can significantly improve a child’s ability to concentrate.

• Why it works: Reducing visual and auditory distractions supports sustained attention and task completion (Zentall, 2015).

• How to implement: Set up a dedicated workspace away from televisions, phones, or other distractions. Use noise-canceling headphones if needed.

4. Incorporate Physical Activity

Physical activity can help children with ADHD release pent-up energy and improve cognitive function.

• Why it works: Exercise has been shown to enhance attention and executive functioning in children with ADHD (Halperin et al., 2020).

• How to implement: Incorporate regular breaks for movement, such as stretching, jumping jacks, or a quick walk.

5. Use Positive Reinforcement

Children with ADHD respond well to positive reinforcement when they demonstrate desired behaviors.

• Why it works: Praise and rewards can encourage focus by associating effort with positive outcomes (Millichap, 2021).

• How to implement: Provide specific praise for focused behavior, such as, “Great job working on your math problems for 10 minutes without getting distracted!”

6. Teach Self-Regulation Techniques

Teaching mindfulness and self-regulation strategies can help children recognize when they are losing focus and how to redirect their attention.

• Why it works: Mindfulness has been shown to improve emotional regulation and attention span in children with ADHD (Zelazo & Lyons, 2012).

• How to implement: Practice deep breathing exercises, guided meditation, or focus games like “Mindful Minute.”

7. Leverage Technology Wisely

While excessive screen time can worsen focus issues, using technology designed to aid organization and focus can be beneficial.

• Why it works: Tools such as time management apps or gamified educational programs can enhance engagement (Radesky et al., 2020).

• How to implement: Use apps like Forest or Todoist to encourage task management and accountability.

8. Communicate with Educators

Collaboration with teachers can ensure consistent strategies across home and school environments.

• Why it works: A team-based approach provides continuity in behavioral strategies and accommodations (DuPaul & Stoner, 2014).

• How to implement: Share strategies that work at home and ask teachers for regular updates about your child’s progress.

Supporting a child with ADHD requires patience, consistency, and tailored strategies. By implementing routines, breaking down tasks, creating distraction-free environments, and fostering self-regulation, parents can help their child develop the focus and skills necessary for success. Open communication with educators and professionals can further enhance these efforts, ensuring a supportive and cohesive approach.

This article is written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years experience in the social work field. He currently serves as executive Director and outpatient behavioral health therapist of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health based out of London Kentucky. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at 606-657-0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

• Barkley, R. A. (2021). Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents. Guilford Press.

• DuPaul, G. J., & Stoner, G. (2014). ADHD in the Schools: Assessment and Intervention Strategies. Guilford Publications.

• Halperin, J. M., et al. (2020). Physical activity intervention improves sustained attention and executive functioning in children with ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 24(10), 1408-1415.

• Millichap, J. G. (2021). Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Handbook: A Physician’s Guide to ADHD. Springer.

• Pfeiffer, S. (2022). Routines for children with ADHD: Why they matter and how to build them. Psychology Today.

• Radesky, J., et al. (2020). Digital technology and ADHD: Benefits and risks. Pediatrics, 145(S2), S157-S162.

• Zentall, S. S. (2015). Environmental support for children with ADHD. Behavioral Interventions, 30(3), 153-164.

• Zelazo, P. D., & Lyons, K. E. (2012). Mindfulness training in childhood. Developmental Psychology, 48(5), 1023-1031.