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Healthy Forms of Validation: Recognizing and Seeking Supportive Affirmation

Validation is the process of understanding, affirming, and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences. Receiving healthy validation plays an essential role in building self-esteem, enhancing relationships, and promoting emotional resilience. However, it’s essential to recognize and seek out validation that is healthy and constructive. Here’s an overview of different types of validation and strategies for recognizing and pursuing them effectively.

Why Validation Matters

Validation from others reassures us that our feelings and experiences are understood and accepted. Research shows that receiving consistent, positive validation from supportive people can lead to improved mental health, stronger relationships, and a more secure sense of self (Linehan, 1993). According to self-determination theory, validation can also foster autonomy, competence, and relatedness, which are essential for psychological well-being (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

However, relying solely on external validation can be harmful, leading to dependency and reduced self-esteem. Instead, it’s beneficial to balance seeking validation from others with developing self-validation practices.

1. Types of Healthy Validation

  • Emotional Validation: Emotional validation involves acknowledging and accepting someone’s feelings without judgment. This can be as simple as listening attentively, empathizing, and affirming that the other person’s feelings are understandable. Emotional validation reinforces that feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel what one feels (Linehan, 1993).
  • Validation of Effort and Progress: Praising effort rather than outcomes is a powerful form of validation that can reinforce persistence, self-compassion, and growth. Validating someone’s efforts, even if they fall short of success, promotes a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities to learn rather than sources of failure (Dweck, 2006).
  • Authentic Affirmations: Authentic affirmations recognize specific qualities, skills, or positive contributions that a person has shown. This validation should be specific rather than generic to reinforce self-worth in an honest, meaningful way (Wood et al., 2008).

2. Recognizing Healthy Validation

Healthy validation has distinct characteristics that make it different from unhealthy or superficial validation. Here’s how to identify it:

  • Respectful and Non-Judgmental: Healthy validation acknowledges your experiences without judgment or dismissal. Research shows that people who validate respectfully build stronger, more trusting relationships (Kross et al., 2014).
  • Specific and Genuine: Unlike generic praise, specific and genuine validation is grounded in real examples. For example, instead of saying “You’re smart,” healthy validation might sound like “I noticed how thoughtful you were when you solved that problem.” This specificity makes the affirmation more meaningful and believable (Wood et al., 2008).
  • Supportive but Not Enabling: Healthy validation encourages personal growth and resilience. It acknowledges your feelings and experiences without enabling unhelpful behaviors, promoting personal accountability and independence (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

3. How to Seek Out Healthy Validation

While it can be challenging to seek validation directly, there are strategies to create environments and relationships where it naturally occurs:

  • Communicate Openly: Sharing how you feel and what kind of support you need can help others understand your perspective and respond in validating ways. Research suggests that people who openly communicate their feelings are more likely to receive affirming responses, as clear communication reduces misunderstandings (Gottman, 2011).
  • Seek Supportive Relationships: Prioritize connections with people who genuinely care about your well-being and listen to you. Friendships and relationships that emphasize empathy, understanding, and honest feedback are more likely to offer healthy validation (Reis & Shaver, 1988).
  • Set Boundaries Around Validation-Seeking: Being mindful of how and when you seek validation can help prevent over-dependence on others. Seeking validation when genuinely needed, rather than as a habit, can help you distinguish between healthy support and dependency (Neff, 2003).

4. Building Self-Validation Skills

Relying on oneself for validation is a healthy, empowering practice that can lead to greater self-confidence and resilience:

  • Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is a form of self-validation that involves treating yourself kindly, especially during challenging times. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, practicing self-compassion can help you become your own source of validation, reducing dependency on external sources (Neff, 2003).
  • Acknowledge Your Own Efforts: Celebrating your progress, no matter how small, reinforces self-validation. This practice helps you recognize your own efforts, fostering a positive self-image and reducing the need for constant external approval (Dweck, 2006).
  • Mindfulness and Journaling: Reflecting on your experiences, thoughts, and emotions through mindfulness or journaling can help you recognize your feelings and validate them internally. This process strengthens self-awareness and helps you rely less on external feedback (Kabat-Zinn, 2003).

Conclusion

Validation is a powerful element of healthy relationships and self-esteem, but it’s essential to seek out healthy, constructive forms of affirmation. By recognizing the qualities of healthy validation, seeking it from supportive people, and building self-validation skills, individuals can enhance their emotional resilience and improve their overall well-being.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  • Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
  • Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W.W. Norton & Company.
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). American Psychological Association.
  • Kross, E., et al. (2014). Social rejection and the brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 18(1), 15-21.
  • Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
  • Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
  • Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In Handbook of Personal Relationships, 367-389.
  • Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
  • Wood, A. M., et al. (2008). The role of gratitude in the development of social support, stress, and depression: Two longitudinal studies. Journal of Research in Personality, 42(4), 854-871.

This article provides a guide to recognizing and seeking healthy forms of validation based on research and psychological theories. Let me know if there’s any area you’d like to explore in more depth.

Do I Act “Entitled”? A Teenager’s Perspective

In today’s world, the concept of “entitlement” is often associated with young people. But what does it really mean to be “entitled”? At its core, entitlement is a sense of deserving special treatment or privileges without necessarily earning them (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). While entitlement isn’t inherently bad, when unchecked, it can lead to negative behaviors and strained relationships. This article aims to help you, as a teenager, understand entitlement from your perspective and how it might impact your life.

 What is Entitlement?

Entitlement is a mindset where people believe they deserve certain rights or privileges without putting in effort or showing gratitude. It’s like expecting a reward without doing the work or expecting things to go your way just because you want them to. Psychologists Dr. Jean Twenge and Dr. W. Keith Campbell define it as “a stable and pervasive sense that one deserves more and is entitled to more than others” (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). This can sometimes show up as expecting praise for things that should be standard or demanding special treatment in different situations.

 Signs of Entitlement in Teenagers

According to psychologists, entitlement can sometimes develop naturally during teenage years as you seek more independence and explore self-identity (APA, 2013). Here are some common signs of entitlement to reflect on:

  1. Expecting Praise for Basic Responsibilities  If you often expect praise for everyday responsibilities, like finishing your homework or chores, this might be a sign of entitlement. While appreciation is important, basic responsibilities are usually expected without special recognition.
  2. Demanding Special Treatment  Entitlement can show up when you believe you should be treated differently just because of who you are. For instance, if you often feel frustrated when others don’t give you special privileges, it may be worth reflecting on why you feel that way.
  3. Ignoring Others’ Needs  Entitlement can lead to a focus on one’s own needs while overlooking others. If you frequently expect your family or friends to go out of their way for you, without offering support in return, it might be a sign of an entitled attitude.
  4. 4. Struggling with Criticism or Rejection  Those with entitled mindsets often have a hard time handling criticism or rejection. If you find yourself getting overly defensive or hurt when people offer constructive feedback, it could be a sign of entitlement.

 Why Does Entitlement Happen?

Entitlement can sometimes be a byproduct of wanting to feel special or unique. During adolescence, as you figure out who you are, it’s normal to crave validation. However, the rise of social media can add pressure to appear “successful” or “popular,” which sometimes fuels entitled thinking (Kross & Verduyn, 2018). Additionally, cultural factors, like messages in media, often promote self-focus and immediate gratification, which can also impact how entitled we feel.

Family environment and upbringing also play a role. For example, when parents give constant praise without boundaries or shield children from any failure, it can lead to entitlement (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). This isn’t to say praise is harmful, but balance is key.

 The Downsides of Entitlement

While a small amount of entitlement can build confidence, too much can create challenges. Research shows that entitled attitudes are linked to difficulty in relationships, dissatisfaction with life, and even increased mental health struggles, like depression and anxiety (Grubbs & Exline, 2016). When we expect too much from others, we risk pushing people away and experiencing disappointment when things don’t go our way.

Entitlement can also hinder personal growth. By always expecting others to meet your needs, you may miss out on learning resilience, empathy, and problem-solving skills, which are essential for navigating adulthood.

 How to Recognize and Reduce Entitlement

1. Practice Gratitude  One of the simplest ways to combat entitlement is to cultivate gratitude. Instead of focusing on what you lack or what you deserve, take time each day to recognize things you’re grateful for. Research shows that practicing gratitude can increase happiness and reduce feelings of entitlement (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

2. Work on Self-Awareness     Reflect on your actions and motives. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I feel I deserve special treatment, or am I genuinely interested in contributing?” By becoming more aware of your thoughts and actions, you can shift toward a more balanced perspective.

3. Learn to Accept Criticism  Learning to accept constructive criticism is a valuable skill that helps build resilience. Instead of feeling hurt or defensive, try to see criticism as an opportunity to grow and improve.

4. Build Empathy     Practice thinking about others’ perspectives and needs. Ask yourself how your actions impact others. Empathy helps build meaningful relationships and reduces entitlement by reminding you that others have their own needs and challenges.

5. Develop a Growth Mindset  Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset suggests that people who focus on growth over fixed achievements are more likely to be successful and satisfied in life (Dweck, 2006). By focusing on effort and improvement rather than expecting outcomes, you can shift away from entitlement.

Recognizing entitlement can be challenging, especially when society often reinforces a “me-first” mentality. However, by practicing gratitude, empathy, and self-awareness, you can avoid the pitfalls of entitlement and develop stronger, healthier relationships with those around you. Remember, the path to true confidence and self-worth doesn’t come from expecting special treatment but from treating others and yourself with respect and understanding.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

 References

  • American Psychological Association. (2013). Developing Adolescents: A Reference for Professionals. American Psychological Association.
  • Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
  • Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.
  • Grubbs, J. B., & Exline, J. J. (2016). Trait entitlement as an emotion regulation strategy: A longitudinal study of its effects on perceived stress, depressive symptoms, and self-esteem. Journal of Research in Personality, 61, 27-34.
  • Kross, E., & Verduyn, P. (2018). Social media and well-being: Pitfalls, progress, and next steps. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 22(7), 558-560.
  • Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.
Does my teenager act “Entitled”? Understanding and Addressing Entitlement

Parents often encounter behavior in their teenagers that feels entitled—expecting special treatment, assuming privileges without effort, or displaying frustration when things don’t go their way. These behaviors can be confusing and frustrating, especially when parents aim to raise respectful, independent, and resilient young adults. Understanding what “entitlement” truly means, why it arises during adolescence, and how to address it can help parents navigate this challenging aspect of development.

1. Defining Entitlement in Teenagers

Entitlement is generally defined as an expectation of special treatment or privileges without reciprocal effort, responsibility, or appreciation. An “entitled” teenager may assume that their needs should come first, express frustration when they don’t get what they want, or expect rewards for minimal effort. This mindset can lead to struggles in relationships, academic settings, and future work environments if not addressed (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).

However, it’s important to distinguish normal adolescent self-focus from true entitlement. Adolescence is a time when teens are naturally centered on themselves as they explore their identities and seek independence. This phase of self-centeredness doesn’t always equal entitlement but can appear that way if certain behaviors aren’t balanced with empathy, responsibility, and appreciation.

2. Why Does Entitlement Develop in Teenagers?

Several factors contribute to the development of entitlement in teenagers, including societal influences, parenting styles, and the natural developmental processes of adolescence. Recognizing these influences can help parents understand the root causes and address entitlement more effectively.

A. Brain Development and the Adolescent Mindset

During the teenage years, the brain undergoes significant changes, particularly in areas responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. This makes teens more focused on their immediate needs and desires, which can amplify entitled behaviors (Blakemore, 2018). Teens’ developing brains make it harder for them to weigh long-term consequences, so they may seek instant gratification and resist responsibility or hard work (Siegel, 2013).

B. Influence of Consumer Culture and Social Media

Teenagers are constantly exposed to social media and advertising that promotes instant gratification, materialism, and a “have-it-all” mentality. These messages can reinforce a sense of entitlement by suggesting that everyone deserves the latest trend, special treatment, or success without much effort (APA, 2019). Social media can also create unrealistic comparisons, making teens feel entitled to lifestyles or privileges similar to those they see online (Pew Research Center, 2018).

C. Parenting Styles and Overprotection

Overly permissive or “helicopter” parenting can unintentionally foster entitlement. When parents shield teens from responsibility or clear obstacles in their path, teens may begin to assume that life should always go smoothly and that they deserve special accommodations (Lythcott-Haims, 2015). While parental support is vital, balancing it with appropriate expectations and responsibilities is key to avoiding entitled attitudes.

3. Signs of Entitlement in Teenagers

Recognizing entitlement in teens can sometimes be tricky, as it may overlap with normal adolescent behaviors. However, certain patterns can indicate entitlement:

  • Lack of Appreciation: They rarely express gratitude or acknowledge the efforts others make on their behalf.
  • Avoiding Responsibilities: They expect privileges without putting in the required effort or fulfilling responsibilities, like household chores or academic work.
  • Resistance to “No”: They struggle to handle denial, setbacks, or limitations, often reacting with frustration or defiance.
  • Sense of Deserving Special Treatment: They expect special accommodations or assume they should receive rewards for minimal effort (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).

These behaviors can often lead to frustration and conflict within the family, as well as difficulties in other social settings, if left unchecked.

4. Addressing and Reducing Entitlement in Teens

Addressing entitlement doesn’t mean stripping teens of their independence or denying them privileges. Instead, it involves setting healthy boundaries, encouraging gratitude, and fostering resilience. Here are some practical strategies:

A. Teach Responsibility Through Consequences

It’s essential to allow teens to experience the natural consequences of their actions. When they make a mistake or avoid responsibilities, allow them to feel the results rather than rescuing them. This helps them understand that privileges and rewards are earned, not automatically granted (Kobliner, 2017).

B. Encourage Empathy and Perspective-Taking

Help your teen understand how their actions impact others by encouraging empathy. Discuss scenarios where they consider others’ perspectives, whether it’s the effort parents put into providing for them or the responsibilities their peers manage. Empathy-building exercises can shift their focus from self-centered expectations to a more balanced view of relationships and responsibilities (Gottman & DeClaire, 1998).

C. Model and Encourage Gratitude

Practicing gratitude has been shown to reduce entitlement and promote well-being. Encourage your teen to regularly acknowledge things they’re thankful for, whether through a gratitude journal or family discussions. When teens recognize what they have, they’re less likely to expect special treatment (Emmons, 2007).

D. Promote a “Growth Mindset”

Carol Dweck’s concept of a “growth mindset” encourages teens to value effort, learning, and resilience rather than expecting instant success or rewards. Emphasize the importance of persistence and improvement rather than immediate outcomes. This helps teens shift their focus from entitlement to personal growth and responsibility (Dweck, 2006).

E. Set Boundaries Around Privileges

Provide structure around privileges by connecting them to responsibilities. For instance, allow certain privileges only when chores, schoolwork, or other tasks are completed. Explain that privileges are not guaranteed but are earned through responsible behavior. This creates a sense of accountability and helps teens see the link between effort and reward (Kobliner, 2017).

5. Understanding Entitlement as a Phase, Not a Personality

It’s important to remember that entitlement in teens is often a temporary phase rather than a permanent personality trait. As teens grow and gain real-world experiences, many naturally outgrow entitlement, developing a greater sense of empathy, gratitude, and responsibility. With consistent guidance, you can support this growth and help them develop into resilient, respectful adults (Siegel, 2013).

Conclusion: Fostering Respect and Responsibility in Place of Entitlement

Navigating entitlement in teenagers can be challenging, but it’s possible to guide them toward a healthier outlook with understanding and the right strategies. By teaching responsibility, modeling gratitude, and promoting empathy, parents can help teens balance their needs with an appreciation for others. Recognizing that entitlement is often a developmental phase can help parents approach the issue with patience, knowing that with guidance, their teen can grow into a more self-aware and considerate young adult.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  • American Psychological Association. (2019). The Effects of Social Media on Children and Adolescents. APA.
  • Blakemore, S. J. (2018). Inventing Ourselves: The Secret Life of the Teenage Brain. PublicAffairs.
  • Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
  • Emmons, R. A. (2007). Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Houghton Mifflin.
  • Gottman, J., & DeClaire, J. (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.
  • Kobliner, B. (2017). Make Your Kid a Money Genius (Even If You’re Not). Simon & Schuster.
  • Lythcott-Haims, J. (2015). How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. Henry Holt and Company.
  • Pew Research Center. (2018). Teens, Social Media & Technology 2018. Pew Research Center.
  • Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. TarcherPerigee.
  • Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.

Navigating the Transition: How Men Can Use Ways to Cope with Adjusting to Life After Retirement

Retirement marks a significant milestone in a man’s life, signaling the end of a long and fulfilling career and the beginning of a new chapter filled with opportunities for leisure, personal growth, and exploration. While retirement can bring about a sense of freedom and relaxation, it can also present challenges as men adjust to a life without the structure and routine of work. Just as Ways helps drivers navigate unfamiliar roads, men can utilize strategies and tools to help them navigate the transition to retirement successfully. Each topic in this article will spark a new article each week in this series on men “Navigating the Transition”

1.  Set New Goals and Priorities: 

Similar to setting a destination in Waze, men should establish new goals and priorities for their retirement years. Whether it’s pursuing a long-held passion, traveling to new destinations, or spending more time with family and friends, having clear goals can provide a sense of direction and purpose in retirement.

2.  Create a Routine

Retirement can disrupt the daily routine that many men are accustomed to during their working years. Establishing a new routine can help create structure and stability in retirement. Setting aside time for exercise, hobbies, social activities, and relaxation can help men adjust to their new lifestyle and maintain a sense of balance.

3.  Stay Socially Connected:

Social connections play a crucial role in mental and emotional well-being. Just as Ways provides real-time updates and traffic information, staying connected with friends, family, and community groups can help men navigate the social landscape of retirement. Joining clubs, volunteering, or participating in group activities can provide opportunities for social interaction and support.

4.  Explore New Opportunities:

Retirement offers a unique opportunity for men to explore new interests and experiences. Just as Ways suggests alternative routes, men should be open to trying new things and stepping outside their comfort zone. Whether it’s learning a new skill, volunteering for a cause they are passionate about, or embarking on a new adventure, embracing new opportunities can enrich their retirement years.

5.  Manage Finances Wisely:

Financial planning is essential for a smooth transition into retirement. Men should review their financial situation, create a budget, and make informed decisions about their retirement savings and investments. Seeking guidance from a financial advisor can help men navigate the financial aspects of retirement and ensure their financial security in the years ahead.

6.  Prioritize Self-Care:

Taking care of one’s physical and mental health is crucial during the retirement years. Just as Ways helps drivers reach their destination safely, men should prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, proper nutrition, adequate sleep, and stress management. Engaging in activities that promote well-being can help men maintain their health and vitality in retirement.

Adjusting to life after retirement is a significant transition for men that requires careful planning, adaptability, and a willingness to embrace new experiences. By utilizing strategies and tools like Ways to navigate the challenges of retirement, men can successfully transition into this new phase of life with confidence and purpose. Retirement is not the end of the road but a new beginning—a time to explore, grow, and enjoy the journey ahead.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

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