Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC

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Too Clingy in a Relationship? Understanding Causes, Effects, and Solutions

Clinginess in a relationship often stems from deep-seated emotional needs, past experiences, or attachment styles. While emotional closeness is essential in a relationship, excessive clinginess can create stress and imbalance between partners. This article explores the psychological roots of clingy behavior, its impact on relationships, and strategies to foster healthier attachment patterns.

Understanding Clinginess in Relationships

Being “too clingy” typically refers to an excessive need for reassurance, constant communication, or an overdependence on a partner for emotional stability. Psychologists often link clinginess to attachment styles, particularly anxious attachment, which is characterized by fear of abandonment, high sensitivity to rejection, and a strong desire for closeness (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

Causes of Clingy Behavior

  1. Attachment Styles
    • According to attachment theory, individuals develop attachment patterns based on their early interactions with caregivers. Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to exhibit clingy behavior in romantic relationships, fearing that their partner will leave them (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth et al., 1978).
  2. Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity
    • Individuals with low self-esteem often seek validation from their partners to feel worthy and secure. A study by Murray et al. (2000) found that people with lower self-esteem tend to be more dependent on their partners’ approval, leading to clingy behaviors.
  3. Past Relationship Trauma
    • Individuals who have experienced abandonment, infidelity, or emotional neglect in past relationships may develop clingy tendencies as a defense mechanism against future loss (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2007).
  4. Fear of Abandonment
    • Fear of abandonment can be deeply rooted in childhood experiences or previous relationships. Studies suggest that unresolved childhood trauma, such as parental divorce or inconsistent caregiving, can lead to anxious behaviors in adulthood (Cassidy & Shaver, 2008).
  5. Codependency
    • Codependency refers to excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, often to the detriment of personal well-being (Beattie, 1987). Clingy individuals may struggle with personal identity outside of their romantic relationship.

Signs of Being Too Clingy

Clinginess manifests in different ways, including:

  • Constant need for reassurance: Frequently seeking affirmation of love and commitment.
  • Over-dependence: Relying on a partner for emotional stability or decision-making.
  • Jealousy and possessiveness: Feeling threatened by a partner’s friendships or activities.
  • Excessive communication: Sending frequent texts or calls and feeling anxious without immediate responses.
  • Lack of personal boundaries: Feeling uncomfortable when apart from the partner for extended periods.

Effects of Clingy Behavior on Relationships

  1. Increased Relationship Strain
    • Overdependence on a partner can create emotional exhaustion and frustration, leading to resentment and conflict (Simpson et al., 1992).
  2. Loss of Personal Identity
    • Individuals who prioritize their relationship over personal growth may struggle with self-identity, leading to decreased self-confidence and autonomy (Feeney, 1999).
  3. Push-Pull Dynamic
    • Clinginess may lead to a push-pull effect, where the partner withdraws due to feeling overwhelmed, which in turn causes the clingy partner to seek even more reassurance (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
  4. Reduced Attraction and Intimacy
    • Research suggests that excessive neediness can lead to a loss of attraction and intimacy over time, as partners may feel suffocated rather than excited about the relationship (Fraley & Davis, 1997).

How to Overcome Clingy Behavior

1. Develop Secure Attachment Patterns

  • Engaging in self-awareness practices and therapy can help individuals shift from anxious attachment to secure attachment (Johnson, 2004).

2. Build Self-Esteem and Independence

  • Strengthening self-worth through hobbies, friendships, and career goals can reduce dependence on a partner for validation (Neff & Vonk, 2009).

3. Improve Communication and Boundaries

  • Establishing healthy boundaries and practicing open communication about needs and expectations helps create a balanced relationship (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

4. Address Past Trauma

  • Therapy, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Attachment-Based Therapy, can help individuals process past relationship traumas and develop healthier emotional responses (Levy et al., 2006).

5. Learn to Self-Soothe

  • Developing coping mechanisms such as mindfulness, journaling, and relaxation techniques can reduce anxiety and promote self-regulation (Siegel, 2012).

Conclusion

While seeking emotional connection is natural in relationships, excessive clinginess can create challenges for both partners. By understanding the underlying causes, recognizing unhealthy patterns, and fostering self-growth, individuals can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships based on security, trust, and mutual independence.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  • Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Publishing.
  • Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. Basic Books.
  • Cassidy, J., &
Breaking Free: Effective Strategies to Cut Down Screen Time on Phones and Tablets

In today’s digital age, smartphones and tablets have become indispensable tools for communication, work, entertainment, and learning. However, with their constant presence, it’s easy to lose track of time and fall into unhealthy usage patterns. Excessive screen time has been linked to a variety of health issues, including eye strain, poor posture, disrupted sleep patterns, and even mental health problems like anxiety and depression (Firth et al., 2019). Fortunately, there are several strategies to help limit screen time and promote a healthier balance between digital and offline activities.

1. Set Time Limits on Apps

Most smartphones and tablets now offer built-in tools to help users monitor and control their screen time. Both Android and iOS devices have settings where you can set daily time limits for individual apps (Google, 2022). For example, Apple’s “Screen Time” feature allows users to set app limits, and Android users can use “Digital Wellbeing” for similar controls. These features provide reminders when you approach or exceed your preset time limits, helping you stay aware of your usage habits.

Setting limits not only helps you reduce unnecessary app use but also encourages you to be more intentional about how you spend your time. Studies have shown that structured restrictions can effectively help people cut down on screen time and reduce distractions (Lepp et al., 2014).

2. Turn Off Notifications

Constant notifications from apps, social media platforms, and messaging services can significantly increase your screen time. These interruptions prompt you to check your phone repeatedly throughout the day, often leading to extended periods of time spent on devices. A 2016 study found that people check their smartphones on average 150 times a day, largely driven by notifications (Svetlana et al., 2016).

To limit distractions, consider turning off non-essential notifications or using “Do Not Disturb” modes during certain times of the day, such as during work or before bed. This simple step helps reduce the urge to check your phone constantly.

3. Establish Screen-Free Zones

Creating screen-free zones in your home or workspace is another effective strategy to limit phone and tablet use. Designating certain areas, such as the dining room, bedroom, or living room, as “no-phone zones” can help reduce mindless scrolling and promote more face-to-face interactions. Additionally, making your bedroom a screen-free area can help improve sleep quality by preventing blue light exposure before bedtime (Harvard Health Publishing, 2020).

These zones can be particularly helpful in fostering healthier habits by encouraging more in-person communication and mindfulness.

4. Use Digital Detoxes or Screen-Free Days

Another highly effective method is to commit to periodic digital detoxes or screen-free days. This could mean turning off your phone for a set period, such as during weekends or evenings, or even dedicating a full day once a month to disconnecting from all digital devices. Studies have shown that digital detoxes can improve mental health and reduce feelings of stress and anxiety (Przybylski & Weinstein, 2017).

While the idea of a complete digital detox may feel daunting at first, many individuals find that taking breaks from their phones or tablets allows them to reconnect with their surroundings, hobbies, and personal relationships, ultimately leading to improved well-being.

5. Engage in Offline Activities

One of the most effective ways to reduce phone usage is by engaging in offline activities that are enjoyable and fulfilling. Exercise, reading, cooking, or pursuing hobbies like painting or gardening can be great alternatives to spending time on screens. Research suggests that outdoor activities and physical exercise are particularly beneficial for reducing screen time and boosting overall mental and physical health (Biddle & Asare, 2011).

By prioritizing these activities, you naturally reduce the temptation to spend excessive time on your devices.

6. Track Your Screen Time Regularly

Another valuable strategy is tracking your screen time regularly. By reviewing how much time you spend on your phone or tablet each day, you become more aware of your usage patterns. Both iOS and Android devices have built-in tracking features that provide insights into your daily and weekly screen time usage (Google, 2022). You can break it down further by showing which apps you spend the most time on, helping you identify areas where you could make improvements.

Tracking your usage can serve as a reminder to stay conscious of your screen time and make small adjustments, such as reducing the time spent on social media or checking email.

7. Practice Mindfulness and Digital Wellbeing

Finally, adopting mindfulness practices can help you become more aware of your screen usage. Mindfulness involves being fully present in the moment and paying attention to your thoughts, emotions, and surroundings. When it comes to screen time, mindfulness can help you recognize when you’re using your phone or tablet out of habit or boredom rather than necessity.

Apps like “Forest” or “Focus@Will” promote mindfulness by encouraging you to stay off your phone and focus on the task at hand. These apps can help improve concentration and productivity, making it easier to manage time on digital devices (Nielsen et al., 2019).

Reducing time spent on phones and tablets is essential for maintaining both mental and physical health. By implementing strategies such as setting time limits, turning off notifications, creating screen-free zones, engaging in offline activities, and practicing mindfulness, individuals can regain control over their screen time and foster healthier habits. The key to success lies in being intentional with technology use and recognizing when digital interactions start to negatively impact well-being.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S. Mr. Collier has over 25 years experience in the social work field. He currently serves and the executive Director and outpatient provider through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC based out of London Kentucky. John may be reached by phone (606) 657-0532 or by email at [email protected].

References

Biddle, S. J. H., & Asare, M. (2011). Physical activity and mental health in children and adolescents: A review of reviews. British Journal of Sports Medicine, 45(11), 883-890. https://doi.org/10.1136/bjsports-2011-090185

Firth, J., et al. (2019). The effects of online social networking on mental health: A systematic review. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 22(1), 17-25. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2018.0177

Google. (2022). Digital wellbeing. https://wellbeing.google

Harvard Health Publishing. (2020). Blue light and sleep. Harvard Medical School. https://www.health.harvard.edu

Lepp, A., et al. (2014). The relationship between cell phone use and academic performance. Computers in Human Behavior, 31, 87-92. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2013.10.050

Nielsen, M. F., et al. (2019). Exploring digital mindfulness: A scoping review of digital interventions promoting mindfulness. Journal of Medical Internet Research, 21(3), e11993. https://doi.org/10.2196/11993

Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2017). Can you connect with me now? How the presence of mobile communication technology influences face-to-face conversation quality. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(6), 741-758. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407516637612

Svetlana, G., et al. (2016). Mobile phone dependency and the development of social media addiction. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 5(4), 706-715. https://doi.org/10.1556/2006.5.2016.084

Effective Strategies to Calm the Mind and Improve Sleep Quality

Struggling to fall asleep because your mind is racing? Relaxing at night can be a challenge, but there are practical steps you can take to help your brain wind down and get better sleep. Let’s dive into the specifics for each method.

1. Set a Sleep Schedule

Steps:

  1. Pick consistent times: Choose a bedtime and wake-up time that you can stick to daily, even on weekends.
  2. Gradually adjust: If your current schedule is off, shift your bedtime or wake-up time by 15–30 minutes each day until you reach your goal.
  3. Wake up at the same time every day: Even if you had a rough night, getting up at the same time helps set your internal clock.
  4. Avoid long naps: Keep naps under 30 minutes and avoid them after 3 PM to avoid disrupting your nighttime sleep.

2. Unwind with Relaxation Techniques

Steps:

  • Deep Breathing:
    1. Sit or lie in a comfortable position.
    2. Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 seconds.
    3. Hold your breath for 4 seconds.
    4. Exhale through your mouth for 4 seconds.
    5. Repeat this cycle 5–10 times, focusing on the sensation of your breath.
  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation:
    1. Lie down in bed or sit in a quiet space.
    2. Start with your feet. Tighten the muscles for 5 seconds, then relax them.
    3. Move up to your calves, thighs, stomach, arms, shoulders, and neck, tightening and releasing each muscle group.
    4. Focus on the feeling of relaxation spreading through your body.

3. Cut Back on Screen Time Before Bed

Steps:

  1. Set a timer: Use your phone to remind yourself to stop screen time 30–60 minutes before bed.
  2. Create an alternative activity: Replace screen time with reading, journaling, or listening to a podcast.
  3. Use night mode: If you need to use your phone, turn on night mode to reduce blue light.
  4. Charge your phone outside your bedroom: If possible, leave your phone in another room to avoid late-night scrolling.

4. Build a Relaxing Bedtime Routine

Steps:

  1. Set a schedule: Pick 2–3 calming activities to do in the same order every night.
    • Example: Take a shower, read for 15 minutes, and listen to soothing music.
  2. Limit stimulating activities: Avoid anything that gets your heart racing, like intense exercise or watching suspenseful shows.
  3. Try journaling:
    • Write down three things you’re grateful for.
    • Make a to-do list for tomorrow to clear your mind.
  4. Experiment with aromatherapy: Use lavender-scented candles or essential oils to create a calming atmosphere.

5. Make Your Room a Sleep Sanctuary

Steps:

  1. Control the temperature: Keep your room cool, ideally between 60–67°F (15–19°C).
  2. Block light: Use blackout curtains or wear an eye mask.
  3. Minimize noise: Use earplugs or a white noise machine if your environment is noisy.
  4. Declutter your space: A tidy room can help your mind feel more at ease.
  5. Invest in quality bedding: Choose a comfortable mattress, pillows, and breathable sheets.

6. Avoid Late-Night Caffeine and Heavy Meals

Steps:

  1. Limit caffeine: Avoid coffee, energy drinks, or soda after 2 PM.
  2. Eat light in the evening: Have a lighter dinner and avoid fatty or spicy foods close to bedtime.
  3. Try sleep-friendly snacks:
    • A banana with peanut butter.
    • A small bowl of oatmeal.
    • A glass of warm milk.
  4. Stay hydrated: Drink enough water during the day but limit fluids an hour before bed to avoid waking up at night.

7. Write Down Your Worries

Steps:

  1. Grab a notebook: Keep a journal or notebook near your bed.
  2. Dump your thoughts: Write down anything that’s bothering you or what you need to do tomorrow.
    • Example: “I’m stressed about the presentation tomorrow. I’ll review my notes at lunch.”
  3. Focus on positives: End with 1–3 things you’re grateful for, like a supportive friend or a good meal.
  4. Leave it behind: Once it’s on paper, tell yourself it’s out of your head until tomorrow.

8. Try Guided Meditation or Sleep Apps

Steps:

  1. Download an app: Popular options include Calm, Headspace, or Insight Timer.
  2. Choose a bedtime program: Look for meditations, sleep stories, or white noise.
  3. Use headphones if needed: If others in your house are noisy, headphones can help you focus.
  4. Stick with it: Meditation can take practice. Start with 5–10 minutes and increase as you get more comfortable.

Final Thoughts

These methods aren’t one-size-fits-all. Try out different strategies and stick with the ones that work for you. Creating a calming nighttime routine and a sleep-friendly environment can make a huge difference. Over time, these steps will train your brain to wind down more easily, helping you fall asleep faster and wake up feeling refreshed. Sleep is essential—make it a priority!

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the Executive Director and Outpatient Behavioral Health Therapist through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health in London Kentucky. John may be reached at (606) 657-0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Clark, I., & Landolt, H. P. (2016). Caffeine, sleep, and wakefulness: Implications of new understanding of adenosine receptor function and homeostatic sleep regulation. Advances in Nutrition, 7(5), 942-949.
  • Dickinson, D. L., & Drummond, S. P. (2018). The effect of gratitude journaling on sleep quality: A randomized controlled trial. Behavioral Sleep Medicine, 16(3), 199-207.
  • Gaines, J., Vgontzas, A. N., Fernandez-Mendoza, J., et al. (2017). Consistency of sleep patterns and chronic insomnia. Sleep Medicine, 37, 29-36.
  • Heath, M., Sutherland, C., Bartel, K., et al. (2020). The role of blue light in affecting sleep. Nature and Science of Sleep, 12, 123-133.
  • Rusch, H. L., Rosario, M., Levison, L. M., et al. (2018). The effect of mindfulness meditation on pre-sleep arousal and insomnia. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 74(7), 1207-1215.
  • Trauer, J. M., Qian, M. Y., Doyle, J. S., et al. (2015). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Chronic Insomnia: A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(8), 721-735.
  • Wheatley, C. M., & Smith, R. P. (2019). Pre-sleep routines and their impact on sleep outcomes. Journal of Sleep Research, 28(5), e12756.
  • National Sleep Foundation. (2021). Healthy sleep environment tips. Retrieved from sleepfoundation.org.

By implementing these methods, you can foster a sleep-conducive lifestyle and enjoy more restful nights.

Am I Able to Be Happy? Understanding the Science and Strategies of Happiness

The pursuit of happiness is a fundamental human aspiration. However, many wonder, “Am I able to be happy?” Understanding happiness, its contributing factors, and strategies to foster it can help answer this question and unlock a more fulfilling life.

What is Happiness?

Happiness is often defined as a state of well-being characterized by positive emotions and life satisfaction (Diener et al., 1985). It encompasses both momentary pleasures and long-term contentment. The “science of happiness” examines how biological, psychological, and social factors influence this emotional state.

The Biology of Happiness

Research indicates that happiness has a genetic component, with up to 50% of individual differences attributed to hereditary factors (Lyubomirsky et al., 2005). This does not mean happiness is predetermined; environmental factors and intentional actions play a significant role in shaping emotional well-being.

Brain chemistry also influences happiness. Neurotransmitters such as dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins are known as the “feel-good chemicals,” regulating mood and promoting positive feelings (Nestler & Malenka, 2004).

Can Everyone Be Happy?

While challenges such as mental health conditions or adverse life circumstances may hinder happiness, research shows that everyone has the potential to experience it. The “happiness set point” theory suggests that people tend to return to a baseline level of happiness after significant life events (Brickman et al., 1978). However, intentional practices can shift this baseline, fostering sustained happiness.

Strategies to Cultivate Happiness

1. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful tool for enhancing happiness. Expressing appreciation for the positive aspects of life increases well-being and reduces stress (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

2. Build Strong Relationships

Social connections are critical for happiness. A study from Harvard found that the quality of relationships is the strongest predictor of life satisfaction (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010). Cultivating meaningful relationships can create emotional support and joy.

3. Engage in Meaningful Activities

Purpose and meaning in life are strongly correlated with happiness (Ryff & Singer, 1998). Engaging in work, hobbies, or volunteerism that aligns with personal values fosters fulfillment and positivity.

4. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation, reduce stress and promote emotional well-being. By focusing on the present, individuals can cultivate a sense of calm and contentment (Kabat-Zinn, 1990).

5. Prioritize Physical Health

Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep improve mood and energy levels. Physical activity, in particular, releases endorphins, known as natural mood enhancers (Herring et al., 2010).

6. Set Realistic Goals

Setting and achieving goals, even small ones, can create a sense of accomplishment and increase happiness. Focusing on progress rather than perfection helps maintain motivation and optimism (Locke & Latham, 2002).

7. Limit Comparisons

Comparing oneself to others often leads to dissatisfaction. Practicing self-compassion and focusing on personal growth fosters a positive self-image and happiness (Neff, 2003).

Seeking Professional Help

For individuals facing chronic unhappiness or mental health challenges, seeking help from a therapist or counselor can provide valuable support and strategies. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, is effective in addressing negative thought patterns and enhancing well-being (Beck, 2011).

Conclusion

Happiness is a multifaceted experience influenced by genetic, psychological, and environmental factors. While challenges may arise, everyone has the capacity to cultivate happiness through intentional practices such as gratitude, mindfulness, and building meaningful connections. By prioritizing mental, emotional, and physical health, individuals can unlock their potential for joy and fulfillment.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Coller has over 25 years of experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the executive director and outpatient patient behavioral health therapist at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC based out of London Kentucky. He may be reached by phone at 606-657-0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond. Guilford Press.
  • Brickman, P., Coates, D., & Janoff-Bulman, R. (1978). Lottery winners and accident victims: Is happiness relative? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36(8), 917-927.
  • Diener, E., Emmons, R. A., Larsen, R. J., & Griffin, S. (1985). The satisfaction with life scale. Journal of Personality Assessment, 49(1), 71-75.
  • Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.
  • Herring, M. P., O’Connor, P. J., & Dishman, R. K. (2010). The effect of exercise training on anxiety symptoms: A meta-analysis. Psychosomatic Medicine, 72(6), 465-474.
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full catastrophe living: Using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. Delacorte.
  • Locke, E. A., & Latham, G. P. (2002). Building a practically useful theory of goal setting and task motivation: A 35-year odyssey. American Psychologist, 57(9), 705-717.
  • Lyubomirsky, S., Sheldon, K. M., & Schkade, D. (2005). Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change. Review of General Psychology, 9(2), 111-131.
  • Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
  • Nestler, E. J., & Malenka, R. C. (2004). The addicted brain. Scientific American, 290(3), 78-85.
  • Ryff, C. D., & Singer, B. H. (1998). The contours of positive human health. Psychological Inquiry, 9(1), 1-28.
  • Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2010). The long reach of nurturing family environments: Links with midlife emotion-regulatory styles and late-life security in intimate relationships. Psychological Science, 21(11), 1540-1548.