The Dynamics of Reciprocal Behavior in Relationships: Why Men Treat Women the Way They Want to Be Treated, Then Mirror Their Behavior
In many romantic relationships, there is often a natural desire for mutual respect, affection, and kindness. This dynamic is frequently guided by an unspoken principle: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” While this golden rule serves as a foundation for healthy interactions, a common pattern emerges over time where men—initially demonstrating care and consideration—begin to shift their behavior in response to how they feel their partner is treating them. This can create a cycle of reciprocity where both parties mirror each other’s actions, for better or for worse. This article explores the psychological and social dynamics behind why men may begin by treating their partners with kindness but eventually start reflecting their partner’s behavior back at them.
The Initial Stage: Treating Her the Way He Wants to Be Treated
When a man enters a relationship, especially in the early stages, he often treats his partner with respect, kindness, and patience, reflecting the way he desires to be treated in return. This behavior can stem from a combination of personal values, societal norms, and the pursuit of a harmonious relationship. Psychological theories suggest that during this phase, men are more likely to engage in behaviors that reflect their ideal expectations of a relationship. According to social exchange theory, individuals enter relationships with the expectation of gaining positive emotional rewards, such as love, companionship, and respect, while also investing these same qualities in their partner (Blau, 1964).
Furthermore, attachment theory posits that individuals with secure attachment styles are more likely to display positive, nurturing behaviors, especially in the early stages of a relationship. They express their needs through affection and hope to cultivate a bond built on mutual care and understanding (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).
The Shift: Reflecting Her Behavior
As the relationship progresses, men may begin to perceive a shift in their partner’s behavior, whether it is real or perceived. This shift could be in the form of neglect, criticism, or a lack of affection. When faced with this, men may gradually adjust their own behavior to reflect what they are receiving, creating a cycle of mirrored actions. Psychologists refer to this as behavioral reciprocity, where one partner begins to match the emotional tone and actions of the other (Lakin, Jefferis, Cheng, & Chartrand, 2003).
This phenomenon can also be explained through equity theory, which posits that people strive to maintain balanced and fair exchanges in their relationships. When a man feels that he is putting in more effort than his partner, he may reduce his own efforts to restore balance (Walster, Walster, & Berscheid, 1978). Essentially, when a man perceives that his partner is treating him poorly or not reciprocating his kindness, he may unconsciously begin to treat her in the same way, responding with the same indifference or frustration that he feels he is receiving.
Emotional and Psychological Impacts
Reciprocal behavior can be positive when it fosters mutual respect, but it can also be detrimental when negative behaviors are mirrored. For men, this shift from treating a partner with ideal care to reflecting negative behaviors can lead to emotional strain, confusion, and even resentment. Men may feel unappreciated or taken for granted, and this can trigger a defensive mechanism where they no longer feel the need to uphold their initial standards of care.
This cycle is particularly common in relationships where communication is lacking. Without clear conversations about needs, frustrations, and expectations, partners may resort to passive-aggressive behaviors or emotional withdrawal, which only exacerbates the problem. According to Gottman’s theory of relationship success, one of the key predictors of a relationship’s decline is the presence of negative reciprocity, where partners respond to criticism or negativity with more of the same (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).
Breaking the Cycle
To break this cycle, it’s crucial for both partners to engage in open, honest communication and address any underlying issues before they manifest into reciprocal negative behaviors. Men (and women) need to express their feelings and concerns early on to prevent misunderstandings from escalating into ongoing patterns of negative behavior. Active listening and empathy are essential tools for partners to understand each other’s perspectives and realign their behaviors toward mutual support and respect (Rogers, 1957).
Furthermore, research shows that practicing positive reciprocity—where one partner responds to kindness with more kindness—can improve relationship satisfaction. Couples who consciously choose to respond to negative situations with understanding and patience, rather than mirroring the negativity, are more likely to create a stable and healthy bond (Algoe, Fredrickson, & Gable, 2013).
In many relationships, men initially treat women the way they hope to be treated, offering affection, respect, and understanding. However, when they begin to perceive an imbalance in how they are being treated, they often adjust their behavior to mirror what they receive. This dynamic, rooted in behavioral reciprocity and equity theory, can either strengthen or weaken a relationship, depending on how both partners respond. Breaking the cycle of negative reciprocity requires open communication, empathy, and a conscious effort to foster positive interactions that reinforce mutual respect and love.
This article was written by John S. Collier MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has had over 25 years in the social work field. He currently serves as the executive Director and outpatient provider for Southeast Kentucky Behavioral health based out of London Kentucky may be reached at 606-657-0532 extension 101 or by email at john @SEkybh.com..
References
• Algoe, S. B., Fredrickson, B. L., & Gable, S. L. (2013). The social functions of the emotion gratitude via expression. Emotion, 13(4), 605-609.
• Blau, P. M. (1964). Exchange and power in social life. Wiley.
• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233.
• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
• Lakin, J. L., Jefferis, V. E., Cheng, C. M., & Chartrand, T. L. (2003). The Chameleon Effect as social glue: Evidence for the evolutionary significance of nonconscious mimicry. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 27(3), 145-162.
• Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95-103.
• Walster, E., Walster, G. W., & Berscheid, E. (1978). Equity: Theory and research. Allyn and Bacon.