Welcome to SOUTHEAST KENTUCKY BEHAVIORAL HEALTH

All posts by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

What Is True Narcissism? Understanding a Term That Society Uses Too Freely

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

Few psychological terms have become as overused in modern society as the word narcissist. Spend a few minutes scrolling through social media, and you are likely to encounter countless videos, articles, and self-proclaimed experts explaining how to identify the narcissists in your life. An ex-spouse is labeled a narcissist. A demanding boss is called a narcissist. A parent who disappointed their child is suddenly a narcissist. Even someone who posts too many selfies may find themselves carrying the label.

The question that deserves attention is simple: What is true narcissism? More importantly, why are we so quick to apply the label to people whose behavior we dislike, misunderstand, or disagree with?

The answer is more complex than most people realize.

The Difference Between Narcissistic Traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The first thing we must understand is that narcissism exists on a spectrum. Most people possess at least some narcissistic traits. Healthy self-esteem involves recognizing our strengths, taking pride in our accomplishments, and believing that we are worthy of love and respect. In fact, without a certain degree of self-focus, people would struggle to advocate for themselves, pursue goals, or maintain personal boundaries.

Having confidence does not make someone a narcissist.

Wanting recognition for hard work does not make someone a narcissist.

Feeling hurt when criticized does not make someone a narcissist.

True narcissism becomes problematic when an individual’s need for admiration, validation, and control consistently outweighs their ability to empathize with others. Narcissistic traits become a disorder only when they are rigid, deeply ingrained, and cause significant impairment in relationships, work, and daily functioning.

Many people demonstrate narcissistic behaviors occasionally. Very few meet the clinical criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a recognized mental health condition described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Individuals with NPD typically exhibit a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood and is present across many areas of life.

Some common characteristics include:

An exaggerated sense of self-importance

Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty

A belief that they are special or unique

A need for excessive admiration

A sense of entitlement

Exploitative behavior toward others

Difficulty recognizing or caring about others’ feelings

Envy of others or belief that others envy them

Arrogant or haughty attitudes and behaviors

What is important to understand is that these characteristics are not occasional. They are persistent patterns that influence nearly every significant relationship and interaction.

A person may act selfishly during a stressful period. Another person may struggle to apologize when they feel threatened. Those behaviors alone do not indicate a personality disorder.

Why We Are Labeling Everyone a Narcissist

Human beings naturally search for explanations when relationships become painful. When someone hurts us, disappoints us, or behaves in a way we cannot understand, assigning a label can provide a sense of closure.

The term narcissist often becomes a convenient explanation for complex human behavior.

Instead of saying:

“My partner struggles with accountability.”

“My coworker has poor interpersonal skills.”

“My parent was emotionally unavailable.”

“My friend tends to make everything about themselves.”

We simply say:

“They’re a narcissist.”

The label offers certainty. Unfortunately, certainty is not always accuracy.

The reality is that people can be selfish without being narcissistic. They can be immature without having a personality disorder. They can make harmful decisions without being clinically narcissistic.

Sometimes people act from fear, insecurity, trauma, poor emotional intelligence, or unresolved pain. These explanations may not excuse harmful behavior, but they often provide a more accurate understanding of what is occurring.

The Hidden Insecurity Behind Narcissism

One of the greatest misconceptions about narcissism is that narcissists have extremely high self-esteem. In reality, many individuals with significant narcissistic traits possess surprisingly fragile self-esteem beneath the surface.

The confidence they display is often more like armor than genuine self-worth.

Because their self-image is so vulnerable, they become highly sensitive to criticism, rejection, or perceived disrespect. They may respond with anger, defensiveness, blame, or attempts to regain control.

The grandiosity frequently seen in narcissism is not always evidence of strength. Sometimes it represents an effort to protect deep feelings of inadequacy.

This does not excuse harmful behavior. However, it helps us understand that narcissism is often rooted in emotional wounds rather than genuine superiority.

The Danger of Misusing Mental Health Labels

As mental health awareness has increased, so has the misuse of mental health terminology.

People now casually use terms such as:

Narcissist

Bipolar

OCD

Trauma

Gaslighting

Triggered

While increased awareness can be positive, there is also a danger in reducing complex conditions to everyday insults or buzzwords.

When we inaccurately label others, several problems emerge:

First, we may overlook the true causes of their behavior.

Second, we can contribute to stigma surrounding legitimate mental health conditions.

Third, we may avoid examining our own role in difficult relationships.

Sometimes the healthiest question is not, “Is this person a narcissist?” but rather, “Is this relationship healthy for me?”

The answer to the second question is often far more useful.

Moving Toward Understanding Instead of Labeling

The desire to understand human behavior is natural. However, understanding requires curiosity rather than assumptions.

Instead of immediately diagnosing people from a distance, we might ask:

What motivates this behavior?

What insecurities could be influencing this person?

Is this an ongoing pattern or an isolated incident?

How does this relationship affect my well-being?

What boundaries do I need to establish?

These questions encourage reflection rather than judgment.

The goal should never be to excuse harmful behavior. Rather, it should be to understand it accurately.

Final Thoughts

True narcissism is much more than selfishness, arrogance, confidence, or a difficult personality. It is a complex pattern of thinking, feeling, and relating to others that extends far beyond the occasional flaws that all human beings possess.

In a world increasingly focused on labels, perhaps we should spend less time trying to diagnose the people around us and more time seeking to understand them.

Not everyone who hurts us is a narcissist.

Not everyone who disagrees with us is toxic.

Not everyone who struggles with empathy has a personality disorder.

Sometimes people are simply imperfect human beings doing the best they can with the emotional tools they have developed throughout their lives.

The challenge for all of us is learning the difference.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, behavioral health executive, and advocate for mental health awareness and community well-being. As the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, he has dedicated his career to helping individuals, families, and communities navigate life’s challenges through evidence-based mental health services, compassionate care, and practical solutions.

With extensive experience in clinical social work, behavioral health administration, crisis intervention, community mental health, and leadership development, Mr. Collier brings a unique perspective that bridges both clinical knowledge and real-world application. His work has focused on empowering individuals to improve their emotional health, strengthen relationships, develop resilience, and achieve meaningful personal growth.

In addition to his clinical and administrative roles, Mr. Collier is passionate about educating the public on mental health topics, reducing stigma, and helping people better understand the complexities of human behavior. Through his writing, he seeks to translate psychological concepts into practical, accessible information that readers can apply in their everyday lives.

His articles explore a wide range of subjects, including mental health, human behavior, grief and loss, relationships, emotional wellness, resilience, trauma, personal development, and the impact of social and cultural trends on psychological well-being.

Mr. Collier believes that greater understanding leads to greater compassion and that meaningful change begins when individuals are willing to look beyond labels, assumptions, and judgment to better understand themselves and others.

“The goal is not simply to explain behavior, but to promote understanding, encourage growth, and inspire healthier relationships with ourselves and those around us.”
– John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., text rev.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Cain, N. M., Pincus, A. L., & Ansell, E. B. (2008). Narcissism at the crossroads: Phenotypic description of pathological narcissism across clinical theory, social/personality psychology, and psychiatric diagnosis. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(4), 638-656.

Miller, J. D., Campbell, W. K., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2007). Narcissistic personality disorder: Relations with distress and functional impairment. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 48(2), 170-177.

Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421-446.

The Need to Know Why: Understanding Our Desire for Explanations and Learning to Accept What We Cannot Change

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

Introduction

Human beings possess a remarkable ability to think, reason, and seek understanding. One of the most common responses to unexpected, unpleasant, or confusing situations is the question, “Why?” Whether faced with disappointing news, organizational changes, personal loss, conflict, or circumstances beyond our control, many people experience a strong desire to understand the reasoning behind events. While seeking understanding is often beneficial, the persistent need for explanations can sometimes prevent us from accepting reality and moving forward.

Psychological research suggests that individuals naturally seek certainty because uncertainty creates discomfort. Our minds are wired to search for patterns, causes, and explanations that help us make sense of our experiences. However, there are situations where no explanation will fully satisfy us, and our continued search for answers can become an obstacle to healing, growth, and resilience (Kruglanski & Webster, 1996; American Psychological Association, 2018).

The Human Need for Closure

Social psychologist Arie Kruglanski introduced the concept of the Need for Cognitive Closure, which refers to an individual’s desire for a firm answer and an aversion to ambiguity and uncertainty. People with a high need for closure often feel uncomfortable when questions remain unanswered and may seek explanations even when those explanations do not change the outcome (Kruglanski & Webster, 1996).

The American Psychological Association defines the need for closure as the motivation to achieve finality and certainty in decisions, judgments, and life events. Individuals with a strong need for closure often struggle to tolerate situations where information is incomplete or unavailable (APA Dictionary of Psychology, 2018).

From an evolutionary perspective, this tendency makes sense. Early humans benefited from quickly identifying threats and predicting outcomes. The ability to understand cause and effect increased survival. Today, however, our brains often apply the same instincts to complex social and emotional situations where certainty may not be possible.

Why We Resist Accepting What We Do Not Understand

When we hear information that challenges our beliefs, expectations, or desires, accepting it without explanation can feel emotionally threatening. Several psychological processes contribute to this reaction.

Cognitive Dissonance

Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance suggests that individuals experience psychological discomfort when they hold conflicting beliefs or when reality contradicts their expectations. Seeking an explanation allows a person to reduce that discomfort by creating a coherent narrative (Festinger, 1957).

For example, if an employee is informed that a policy has changed, they may immediately ask why. While the explanation may provide useful context, the deeper motivation is often the desire to reduce the tension created by the unexpected change.

Intolerance of Uncertainty

Research indicates that uncertainty itself can trigger anxiety and emotional distress. When individuals do not understand the reasons behind an event, they may imagine alternative explanations, repeatedly analyze the situation, or engage in rumination. Ironically, this often increases emotional suffering rather than reducing it (Anderson et al., 2019).

The Illusion of Control

People frequently believe that understanding “why” gives them greater control over circumstances. While knowledge can certainly enhance decision-making, many life events remain beyond our influence regardless of how thoroughly we understand them. In these circumstances, seeking more information may create the illusion of control while delaying acceptance.

When Understanding Is Helpful

This article is not suggesting that people should never ask questions or seek clarification. Understanding is often essential.

Knowing why can:

  • Improve decision-making.
  • Promote learning and growth.
  • Strengthen communication.
  • Prevent misunderstandings.
  • Increase trust and transparency.
  • Reduce unnecessary anxiety.

In healthcare, counseling, leadership, and education, providing a rationale often increases cooperation and engagement. Individuals are more likely to embrace change when they understand its purpose.

Therefore, the goal is not to eliminate the question “why,” but to recognize when seeking additional explanations ceases to be productive.

The Cost of Excessive Explanation-Seeking

Problems arise when individuals become emotionally dependent on obtaining explanations before they can move forward.

Common signs include:

  • Repeatedly revisiting the same issue.
  • Obsessing over unanswered questions.
  • Refusing to accept decisions without complete agreement.
  • Delaying action until every detail is understood.
  • Seeking reassurance from multiple sources without relief.

In counseling, many clients discover that even after receiving explanations, they continue searching for more answers. What they truly desire is not information but emotional comfort.

Unfortunately, explanations cannot always provide peace. Peace often comes from acceptance.

The Power of Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean approval, agreement, or surrender. Acceptance simply means acknowledging reality as it exists.

Psychological approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) emphasize that emotional well-being improves when individuals stop fighting reality and begin focusing on actions aligned with their values (Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 1999).

Acceptance allows us to shift from questions such as:

  • “Why did this happen?”
  • “Why did they do that?”
  • “Why wasn’t this fair?”

to more productive questions such as:

  • “What can I learn from this?”
  • “How should I respond?”
  • “What is within my control?”

These questions move us from passive reflection to active growth.

Learning to Move Forward Without All the Answers

Maturity often involves developing the ability to tolerate uncertainty.

Life presents many situations where explanations are incomplete, unavailable, or unsatisfying:

  • Organizational decisions.
  • Relationship endings.
  • Loss and grief.
  • Medical diagnoses.
  • Economic hardships.
  • Personal disappointments.

Waiting for perfect understanding before moving forward can leave a person emotionally stuck.

Instead, emotional resilience develops when individuals recognize that acceptance does not require full understanding.

Some of life’s greatest growth occurs when we choose to move forward despite unanswered questions.

Conclusion

The desire to know “why” is a normal and deeply human response. It reflects our need for certainty, predictability, and understanding. In many situations, seeking explanations is valuable and necessary. However, there comes a point when the endless pursuit of answers becomes more harmful than helpful.

The healthiest individuals are not necessarily those who always find explanations. They are often those who have learned to distinguish between what can be understood and what must simply be accepted.

Sometimes the most powerful words we can say are:

“I may never fully understand this, but I can still move forward.”

That mindset transforms uncertainty from an obstacle into an opportunity for growth.

—

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a licensed clinical social worker supervisor, behavioral health executive, and mental health professional with extensive experience in psychotherapy, community mental health, behavioral support services, and organizational leadership. He serves as Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, where he oversees multidisciplinary behavioral health programs serving individuals and families throughout Kentucky.

Mr. Collier specializes in clinical assessment, treatment planning, behavioral intervention, cognitive-behavioral approaches, acceptance-based interventions, and leadership development within behavioral healthcare organizations. His writing focuses on the intersection of psychology, human behavior, resilience, personal growth, and practical applications of evidence-based mental health principles.

Drawing from both clinical practice and organizational leadership, John seeks to translate complex psychological concepts into meaningful insights that help individuals, families, and professionals navigate life’s challenges with greater understanding and purpose.

—

References

American Psychological Association. (2018). Need for closure. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/need-for-closure

Anderson, E. C., Carleton, R. N., Diefenbach, M., & Han, P. K. J. (2019). The relationship between uncertainty and affect. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 2504.

Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change. Guilford Press.

Kruglanski, A. W., & Webster, D. M. (1996). Motivated closing of the mind: Seizing and freezing. Psychological Review, 103(2), 263-283.

Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2000). The Case for Marriage. Doubleday.

Be Content With What You Have, But Never With Who You Are Becoming

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There comes a point in life when we should be able to look around and say, “I have enough.”

Enough clothes.

Enough things.

A good enough vehicle.

A comfortable enough home.

Enough possessions to live our lives without constantly chasing the next purchase.

That does not mean we stop working, dreaming, planning, or enjoying nice things. There is nothing inherently wrong with financial success or material comfort. The problem begins when we believe the next possession, promotion, house, vehicle, or dollar will somehow complete us.

Research has repeatedly found an important difference between pursuing material goals and pursuing goals involving personal growth, relationships, and contribution to others. Psychologist Tim Kasser describes materialistic values as those centered on wealth, possessions, image, and status. When these become a person’s highest priorities, they tend to conflict with goals involving relationships and personal or spiritual growth. (Annual Reviews⁠)

There is, however, another kind of contentment that can become dangerous.

We can become too content with ourselves.

We can decide that because we have reached a certain age, earned a certain degree, achieved professional success, raised children, accumulated possessions, or survived difficult seasons of life, we no longer need to change.

That is where contentment becomes complacency.

We should learn to say:

“I have enough.”

But we should be very cautious about ever saying:

“I am good enough that I no longer need to grow.”

Contentment and Complacency Are Not the Same Thing

Contentment is gratitude.

Complacency is stagnation.

Contentment says, “I appreciate what I have.”

Complacency says, “I don’t need to become better.”

Those are very different statements.

You can appreciate your home without needing a larger one and still recognize that you need to become more patient.

You can be satisfied with your income while recognizing that you need to become more generous.

You can enjoy your accomplishments while realizing that you need to become more humble.

You can be grateful for your relationships while recognizing that you need to become a better listener.

You can appreciate who you are without pretending there is nothing left to change.

Research on human motivation supports the value of this distinction. Self-Determination Theory distinguishes extrinsic aspirations—such as money, fame, appearance, and recognition—from intrinsic aspirations such as personal growth, meaningful relationships, community involvement, and health. Intrinsic goals are more closely connected to basic psychological needs and well-being. (Self Determination Theory⁠)

In studies by Kasser and Ryan, people who placed greater relative importance on intrinsic aspirations such as self-acceptance, relationships, and community reported better indicators of well-being than people whose priorities centered more heavily on financial success, appearance, and recognition. (Sage Journals⁠)

Perhaps one of the healthiest things we can learn is this:

Stop trying to constantly upgrade everything you own and begin intentionally upgrading the person who owns it.

There Is Nothing Wrong With Having Nice Things

Material possessions themselves are not the enemy. Money can feed a family. A house can provide safety. A dependable vehicle can get us to work. Savings can provide security.

A successful business can employ people and support a community. Money can be given generously to someone in need. Material resources can accomplish tremendous good. The question is not simply what we possess. The deeper question is what possesses us.

Research does not suggest that merely owning things makes someone unhappy. Rather, concerns arise when wealth, image, possessions, and status become central measures of identity and success. Kasser’s review of the literature found that giving materialistic values relatively high priority is associated with lower personal well-being and poorer interpersonal outcomes. (Annual Reviews⁠)

There is freedom in reaching the place where we can look at what someone else owns without suddenly becoming dissatisfied with what we have.

Their new vehicle does not make ours less dependable.

Their larger house does not make ours less of a home.

Their salary does not determine our worth.

Their success does not make us unsuccessful.

Someone else’s abundance does not automatically mean we are lacking.

That is contentment.

But Never Become Content With Your Character

There is a completely different standard when we turn our attention inward.

Our possessions can reach enough.

Our character should always remain under construction.

We should never reach a point where we decide:

I am patient enough.

I am compassionate enough.

I am disciplined enough.

I am forgiving enough.

I am wise enough.

I am humble enough.

I am honest enough.

I am loving enough.

I am spiritually mature enough.

There is always another lesson.There is always another rough edge that can be polished. There is always another weakness that can become stronger. There is always another opportunity to become better.

That does not mean living with constant self-criticism. Healthy personal development is not about waking every morning and deciding something is wrong with you. It is about recognizing that being a worthwhile human being today does not prevent you from becoming a better human being tomorrow.

Self-acceptance and self-improvement can exist at the same time.

The House May Be Finished, But You Are Not

Think about building a house.

Eventually the foundation is complete. The walls are finished. The roof is installed. The rooms are painted. Furniture is moved inside.

At some point, we can reasonably say:

“It is finished.”

Human character does not work that way.There is no final nail. There is no last coat of paint. There is no day when we should hang a sign on our hearts reading:

CONSTRUCTION COMPLETE.

Life keeps remodeling us.

Marriage reveals things about us.

Parenthood reveals things about us.

Divorce can reveal things about us.

Friendship reveals things about us.

Leadership reveals things about us.

Failure reveals things about us.

Success reveals things about us.

Grief reveals things about us.

Conflict reveals things about us.

Getting older reveals things about us.

Even the people who irritate us sometimes reveal something about us.

Every season gives us another opportunity to examine the structure.

Sometimes we discover a crack.

Sometimes we discover something that needs reinforcing.

Sometimes we discover something that needs torn out and rebuilt.

The wise person does not become ashamed because something needs work.

The wise person does the work.

Ask Hard Questions About Yourself

Growth requires self-examination.

It is easy to identify what everybody else needs to change.

It is much harder to ask:

What do I need to change?

Where am I difficult to live with?

Do I listen, or am I simply waiting for my opportunity to speak?

Can I accept correction without becoming defensive?

Do I apologize without adding an excuse?

Do I treat people differently depending upon what they can do for me?

Do I carry grudges?

Do I speak respectfully when I am angry?

Am I dependable?

Do the people closest to me experience the same person that strangers see?

Do I practice privately what I claim to value publicly?

Those questions can be uncomfortable.

They are supposed to be.

Growth usually begins somewhere beyond our comfort.

Character Is Wealth Too

We spend enormous amounts of energy building financial wealth while sometimes overlooking another form of wealth.

Patience is wealth.

Integrity is wealth.

Wisdom is wealth.

A peaceful conscience is wealth.

Self-control is wealth.

A trustworthy reputation is wealth.

A strong marriage is wealth.

Children who know they are loved are wealth.

Friendships built over decades are wealth.

The ability to admit you were wrong is wealth.

Forgiveness is wealth.

Compassion is wealth.

Faith is wealth.

A life that made someone else’s life better is wealth.

None of those appear on a bank statement.

Yet they may ultimately become the most valuable things we possess.

Research following young adults after college found something especially interesting: achieving intrinsic aspirations involving growth, relationships, community, and health was associated with better psychological health. Achieving extrinsic aspirations, however, did not produce the same benefit and was associated in that study with indicators of ill-being. (ScienceDirect⁠)

In other words, getting what we want is not always the same thing as getting what we need.

Success Is Also a Character Test

We often think adversity tests character.

It does. But success tests character too. What happens when you have money? What happens when people know your name?What happens when you become the person making decisions?What happens when people begin calling you sir, ma’am, doctor, boss, director, president, or leader?What happens when you finally occupy the room you once dreamed of entering?

Do you remember the people who helped you get there?Do you still treat the person cleaning the room with the same dignity as the person leading the meeting?

Success can improve our circumstances without necessarily improving our character.That improvement remains our responsibility.The goal should be to climb higher without believing the climb makes us higher than other people.

Compare Yourself Differently

Materialism encourages horizontal comparison.

We look sideways.

What does he drive?

Where does she live?

How much do they earn?

Where did they vacation?

What are they wearing?

What position do they hold?

Growth asks us to make a different comparison.

Look backward.

Compare yourself with yourself.

Who were you five years ago?

Who were you last year?

Who were you yesterday?

Are you more patient?

Are you more forgiving?

Do you handle disappointment better?

Are you more dependable?

Are you less judgmental?

Can you admit when you are wrong?

Do you communicate better?

Do you love people better?

Have you learned anything from your failures?

Are you becoming wiser rather than merely older?

That is a much more meaningful measurement of success.

Never Become Too Old to Grow

One of the saddest sentences a person can say is:

“That’s just the way I am.”

Sometimes those words are presented as self-acceptance.

Often they are simply permission not to change.

Perhaps you have always had a temper.

Work on it.

Perhaps you have always struggled to communicate.

Learn.

Perhaps apologizing is difficult.

Practice.

Perhaps you interrupt people.

Listen.

Perhaps you hold grudges.

Learn forgiveness.

Perhaps you have spent years blaming everyone else.

Examine yourself.

Your past may explain something about your character.

It does not necessarily have to determine your future character.

As long as we are living, there is an opportunity to learn.

The Biblical Balance: Contentment and Growth

Scripture provides a remarkable balance between contentment and continued growth.

Paul wrote:

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.”
— 1 Timothy 6:6

Biblical contentment is not a command to abandon growth. Paul himself rejected the idea that he had spiritually arrived. In Philippians 3:12–14, he explained that he had not already reached perfection but continued pressing forward toward what lay ahead.

That gives us two important biblical ideas that belong together:

Be content with what God has provided.

Keep growing into who God is calling you to become.

We can be grateful without becoming stagnant.

We can appreciate today without believing yesterday’s growth is sufficient for tomorrow.

Conclusion: Have Enough, But Keep Becoming

There may eventually come a time when you look around your home and realize you really do not need much more.

That is a blessing.

Enjoy it.

Sit on the porch.

Drink the coffee.

Drive the vehicle you already own.

Wear the clothes already hanging in your closet.

Enjoy the people sitting around your table.

Stop believing happiness is waiting inside the next box delivered to your front door.

Say:

“Thank You, God. I have enough.”

But when you look into the mirror, maintain enough humility to say something different.

“There is still work to do.”

Not because you are worthless.

Because you are unfinished.

Become kinder.

Become wiser.

Become more patient.

Become more disciplined.

Become more forgiving.

Become more dependable.

Become more compassionate.

Become more courageous.

Become more generous.

Become more humble.

Become more loving.

Become more like Christ.

One day, you may have enough possessions.

But you should never have enough character.

Be content with what is in your hands. Be grateful for what is under your roof. But never become complacent about what is being built within your heart.

Devotion: Lord, Keep Working on Me

Scripture

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on…”
— Philippians 3:12

There is something deeply humbling about Paul’s words.

This was a man who had devoted his life to Christ, endured tremendous suffering for his faith, taught others, established churches, and wrote letters that would become part of the New Testament.

Yet Paul did not say:

“I have arrived.”

He said, in essence:

“I am still pressing forward.”

That should tell us something.

Christian maturity is not reaching a place where God no longer needs to work on us.

Christian maturity may actually be becoming increasingly willing to let Him work.

We can thank God for what He has already changed without pretending there is nothing left to change.

Perhaps God has helped you become more patient.

There may still be more patience to learn.

Perhaps you have learned forgiveness.

There may still be someone difficult to forgive.

Perhaps you have grown in wisdom.

There are still things you do not understand.

Perhaps your faith is stronger than it was ten years ago.

It can become stronger still.

We are simultaneously grateful for the work God has completed and available for the work He has not.

Reflection

Today, instead of asking God for another possession, another opportunity, another achievement, or another blessing, consider asking Him something different:

“Lord, what needs to change in me?”

That prayer requires courage.

The answer may involve pride.

It may involve anger.

It may involve forgiveness.

It may involve how we speak to someone.

It may involve admitting we were wrong.

It may involve becoming more generous.

It may involve surrendering something we desperately want.

But perhaps one of God’s greatest blessings is not always changing what is around us.

Sometimes His greatest work is changing what is within us.

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for everything You have provided. Teach me to recognize when I have enough. Protect my heart from comparison, envy, greed, and the endless desire for more.

Help me enjoy the blessings already sitting around my table.

But Father, while teaching me contentment with material things, never allow me to become complacent about my character.

Show me where I need to grow.

Correct me when I am wrong.

Humble me when pride gets in the way.

Teach me patience when I become frustrated.

Teach me forgiveness when I have been hurt.

Teach me compassion when I am tempted to judge.

Teach me courage when doing what is right is difficult.

Teach me to listen more carefully, speak more wisely, love more deeply, and serve more willingly.

I do not ask You simply to give me more.

I ask You to make more of me.

Thank You for how far You have brought me.

And thank You that You are not finished with me yet.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S, is a licensed clinical social worker, behavioral health professional, author, and community leader whose career has centered on helping individuals and families navigate life’s difficult seasons. His writing draws from social work, human behavior, relationships, faith, personal reflection, and the lessons that can be discovered through both success and adversity.

Collier’s articles and poetry frequently explore personal responsibility, emotional wellness, relationships, faith, healing, resilience, leadership, and the continuing process of becoming a better person. Rather than presenting growth as the pursuit of perfection, his work emphasizes self-examination, accountability, grace, compassion, and the willingness to continue learning.

At the heart of his writing is a simple belief: our experiences may shape us, but we still have a responsibility to decide what kind of people those experiences will help us become.

References

Kasser, T. (2016). Materialistic values and goals. Annual Review of Psychology, 67, 489–514. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-122414-033344. (Annual Reviews⁠)

Kasser, T., & Ryan, R. M. (1996). Further examining the American dream: Differential correlates of intrinsic and extrinsic goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 22(3), 280–287. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167296223006. (Sage Journals⁠)

Niemiec, C. P., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2009). The path taken: Consequences of attaining intrinsic and extrinsic aspirations in post-college life. Journal of Research in Personality, 43(3), 291–306. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2008.09.001. (ScienceDirect⁠)

Schmuck, P., Kasser, T., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Intrinsic and extrinsic goals: Their structure and relationship to well-being in German and U.S. college students. Social Indicators Research, 50, 225–241. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1007084005278. (DOI⁠)

Self-Determination Theory. (n.d.). Goals, values and aspirations. Center for Self-Determination Theory. (Self Determination Theory⁠)

The Holy Bible. 1 Timothy 6:6–8; Philippians 3:12–14; Romans 12:2; 2 Peter 1:5–8.

Judas Came from the Table: What Betrayal Can Teach Us About Love, Trust, and Healing

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There is a statement that has been shared across social media that says, “Judas didn’t come from the crowd. He came from the table. Be careful who you call ‘family.’” The words are simple, but they carry a painful truth. Sometimes the people who hurt us the most are not strangers. They are the people we trusted enough to let into our lives. They may be family members, close friends, coworkers, church members, or people we once believed would always stand beside us.

The story of Judas Iscariot is one of the clearest biblical examples of betrayal by someone close. Judas was not simply a stranger who appeared during the final days of Jesus’ life. He was one of the twelve disciples. He traveled with Jesus, listened to His teachings, witnessed His ministry, and shared meals with Him. Yet Matthew tells us that Judas went to the chief priests and asked what they would give him if he handed Jesus over to them. They agreed on thirty pieces of silver, and Judas began looking for an opportunity to betray Him (Matthew 26:14–16).

That makes the statement about Judas coming from the table especially powerful. Betrayal usually hurts because there was trust before there was pain. A stranger can insult us, reject us, or dislike us, but betrayal is different. To betray someone, there usually must first be some form of relationship. The person has been allowed close enough to know something about us. That is why betrayal by a spouse, relative, friend, or trusted companion can hurt much more deeply than criticism from someone we barely know.

However, there is another part of the story that deserves just as much attention. Underneath the social media post was my comment response, “Yet remember, Jesus knew exactly what Judas was going to do…. And He loved him anyway.” I felt as though my thought changed the direction of the entire message. The story is no longer only about being careful who sits at our table. It becomes a lesson about how we respond when someone at our table hurts us.

According to the Gospel of John, Jesus knew that betrayal was coming. During the meal with His disciples, Jesus told them that one of them would betray Him. He later identified Judas through the giving of a piece of bread. Judas eventually left the gathering to carry out what he had planned (John 13:21–30). Jesus was not simply caught off guard by someone He thought would remain loyal. The Gospel presents Him as knowing what was coming.

This makes Jesus’ response even more meaningful. He understood Judas’ actions, yet He did not allow Judas’ betrayal to turn Him into a hateful or revengeful person. Jesus remained true to His own character. That may be one of the greatest lessons we can take from the story.

When someone betrays us, our first reaction may be anger. We may want the person to hurt as badly as we have been hurt. We may want everyone to know what happened. We may replay conversations in our minds and wonder how we missed the warning signs. Those reactions are understandable. Betrayal can affect our ability to trust, and psychological research has shown that interpersonal betrayal can be connected with significant emotional distress, especially when the betrayal involves someone upon whom a person depended or deeply trusted (Freyd, 1996; DePrince et al., 2012).

The danger comes when another person’s betrayal begins changing who we are. One painful experience can slowly convince us that nobody can be trusted. A person who was once open and loving can become suspicious of everyone. Someone who was betrayed in one relationship may enter the next relationship expecting the new person to behave exactly like the old one. Before long, we may find ourselves making innocent people pay for wounds they did not create.

This does not mean we should ignore warning signs or continue allowing harmful people unlimited access to our lives. Christianity does not require us to abandon wisdom. Love does not mean blindness, and forgiveness does not mean pretending something never happened. There is an important difference between loving someone and trusting someone.

Jesus taught His followers to love their enemies and pray for those who persecuted them (Matthew 5:44). Notice that Jesus did not tell His followers to pretend that enemies were friends. He recognized that enemies existed. His teaching concerned how His followers should respond to them. Christian love does not require us to call harmful behavior acceptable. Instead, it challenges us not to allow hatred and revenge to control our response.

We can love someone and still establish boundaries. We can forgive someone and decide that the relationship cannot return to what it once was. We can pray for someone while also recognizing that having that person closely involved in our lives may not be healthy. Forgiveness and reconciliation are related, but they are not exactly the same thing. Rebuilding a relationship normally requires honesty, responsibility, changed behavior, and participation from both people.

Trust is also different from forgiveness. Trust is usually built over time through consistent behavior. When someone repeatedly demonstrates honesty, reliability, and respect, trust grows. When that trust is seriously violated, rebuilding it may take time. Forgiving someone does not automatically mean giving that person the same access to our life that he or she had before.

This is especially important when discussing family. We often hear people say, “But they’re family,” as though being related to someone means we must accept every behavior. Family relationships can provide some of the strongest love and support we ever experience, but family relationships can also contain conflict, manipulation, dishonesty, and betrayal. Being family does not remove the need for healthy boundaries.

At the same time, we should be careful not to turn the story of Judas into a reason to become suspicious of everyone around us. If we spend our lives searching for Judas at every table, we may eventually become unable to enjoy the people who genuinely love us. Not everyone who disagrees with us is betraying us. Not everyone who disappoints us is our enemy. People make mistakes. Friends sometimes fail us. Family members sometimes say hurtful things. Healthy relationships require enough wisdom to recognize the difference between ordinary human mistakes and continuing patterns of harmful behavior.

That difference is important because fear can easily disguise itself as wisdom. After being betrayed, we may tell ourselves that we are simply being careful when we are actually becoming emotionally closed. We may build walls and call them boundaries. A healthy boundary allows us to decide what behavior we will accept while still leaving room for healthy relationships. A wall can keep everyone out, including people who might have loved us well.

The table itself can therefore become an important symbol. A table represents closeness. It is where families eat, friends talk, stories are shared, and relationships grow. Judas came from the table, but Judas was not the only person sitting there. The other disciples were there too. If we remember only Judas, we miss much of the story.

Peter was at the table, and although Peter later denied knowing Jesus, his failure did not become the end of his story. John was there. The disciples were imperfect people who would experience fear, confusion, weakness, and failure. Yet God continued working through them. The lesson is not that everyone close to us will betray us. The lesson is that relationships involve vulnerability, and vulnerability always involves some risk.

That brings us back to my response written beneath the original quotation: Jesus knew what Judas was going to do, and He loved him anyway. There is tremendous strength in those words when they are understood correctly. Loving someone anyway does not mean trusting someone anyway. It does not mean remaining in an unsafe situation. It does not mean ignoring dishonesty. It means refusing to allow another person’s wrong choices to determine the kind of person we become.

If someone lies about us, we do not have to become liars. If someone acts cruelly toward us, we do not have to become cruel. If someone abandons us, we do not have to spend the rest of our lives abandoning people before they have the chance to leave us. If someone betrays us, we do not have to become consumed by revenge.

The Apostle Paul expressed a similar principle when he wrote, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21, NKJV). That verse does not deny that evil exists. It recognizes evil while warning us not to allow it to overcome us.

Perhaps that is one of the most important questions we can ask after experiencing betrayal: What is this experience turning me into?

We cannot always control what other people choose to do. We cannot force someone to be loyal. We cannot make another person tell the truth. We cannot control whether someone leaves, disappoints us, talks about us, or breaks a promise. We do have some control, however, over what we choose to do afterward.

We can learn from what happened without living inside what happened.

We can become wiser without becoming colder.

We can establish boundaries without becoming bitter.

We can remember the lesson without constantly reopening the wound.

We can forgive without pretending.

We can love without surrendering our judgment.

Research on forgiveness has suggested that forgiveness-based interventions can have positive psychological effects, including reductions in depression, anger, and stress in some populations (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015; Wade et al., 2014). Forgiveness should not be confused with excusing harmful behavior. Instead, it can involve gradually releasing the desire to remain emotionally controlled by the offense.

That process may take time. Some betrayals cannot simply be prayed away overnight. A person may need to grieve the relationship he or she thought existed. There may be sadness, anger, confusion, and disappointment. In serious situations, professional counseling may be helpful. Healing is not always a straight line.

There is also no shame in recognizing that some relationships have changed permanently. Sometimes reconciliation happens. Sometimes trust is rebuilt. Sometimes people accept responsibility, change their behavior, and repair what they damaged. Other times, the healthiest outcome may involve forgiveness from a distance.

Jesus’ example challenges us to consider something greater than whether the person who hurt us deserves forgiveness. It asks us to think about what carrying bitterness is doing to our own hearts.

Judas made his choice.

Jesus made His.

That distinction matters.

We may not be able to control the Judas who sits at our table, but we can decide whether his actions will control us after he leaves.

So yes, be careful who you call family. Pay attention to character. Notice patterns instead of simply listening to promises. Learn the difference between someone who makes an occasional mistake and someone who repeatedly causes harm without accepting responsibility. Establish boundaries when boundaries are needed.

But do not become so afraid of Judas that you stop inviting good people to the table.

Do not become so focused on betrayal that you stop recognizing loyalty.

Do not become so afraid of being hurt that you become unable to love.

And most importantly, do not allow what someone did to you to decide what eventually happens inside you.

The deepest lesson from Judas may not simply be that betrayal can come from someone close. Perhaps the deeper lesson is that betrayal does not have to have the final word.

Jesus knew betrayal was coming, yet He continued walking toward His purpose. Judas did not determine His identity. Judas did not change His mission. Judas did not cause Him to abandon love.

There is wisdom in being careful about who sits at your table.

There is even greater wisdom in refusing to let the person who betrays you take your peace with them when they leave.

You cannot always choose who betrays you. But you can choose what betrayal produces in you.

Choose wisdom instead of bitterness.

Choose boundaries instead of revenge.

Choose healing instead of hatred.

Choose discernment without losing compassion.

And when possible, choose the difficult freedom of loving as Christ taught us to love—not because everyone deserves unlimited access to our lives, but because no one deserves enough power over us to turn our hearts into something we were never meant to become.

References

DePrince, A. P., Chu, A. T., & Pineda, A. S. (2012). Links between specific posttrauma appraisals and three forms of trauma-related distress. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 4(4), 430–441.

Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association.

Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.

Holy Bible, New King James Version. (1982). Thomas Nelson. Matthew 5:44; Matthew 26:14–16; John 13:21–30; Romans 12:21.

Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., Kidwell, J. E. M., & Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2014). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(1), 154–170.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, behavioral health professional, author, and educator whose work focuses on mental health, relationships, faith, emotional healing, personal responsibility, and human behavior. His professional experience provides a practical perspective on issues such as betrayal, boundaries, forgiveness, trauma, grief, relationships, and emotional resilience.

Through his writing, Collier seeks to connect psychological understanding with everyday experiences and Christian principles in language that people can apply to their own lives. His work often emphasizes that healing does not require people to erase their past. Instead, healing involves learning from what happened while refusing to allow yesterday’s wounds to control tomorrow’s choices.