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When Little Stories Become Big Concerns:

Helping Young Children Learn the Difference Between Imagination and the Truth

Parents expect young children to have wonderful imaginations. A cardboard box becomes a rocket. A stuffed animal talks. A child can turn the backyard into an entire kingdom before lunchtime.

That imagination is a healthy part of childhood. But imagination can become much more complicated when a kindergarten-age child begins telling stories about real people and real events.

A child might tell a teacher: “My daddy is mean to me.”

Another might say: “Mommy hit me.”

Or:

“My uncle got mad and broke my Xbox.”

Perhaps the parent knows that nothing resembling the child’s version of events happened. That can leave parents embarrassed, frightened, angry, or wondering, Why would my child lie about something like that?

Before assuming that a 5-year-old is intentionally trying to deceive someone, parents need to understand what is happening developmentally.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics’ HealthyChildren.org, children younger than 6 can still have difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy. The boundary between something imagined and something that actually happened may not be as clear to a young child as it is to an adult. [healthychildren.org]

Similarly, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry explains that children around ages 4 and 5 commonly make up stories and “tall tales.” This can be a normal developmental behavior because children enjoy storytelling while still learning to separate fantasy from reality. [aacap.org]

So the goal should not simply be“Stop lying.”

The better goal is: Teach the child how to recognize, describe, and communicate what really happened.

Why Would a Young Child Make Up a Story?

There isn’t one answer.

Two children can tell almost identical untrue stories for completely different reasons. Understanding the reason behind the behavior is often more helpful than focusing only on the inaccurate statement.

1. Imagination and reality are still developing

A kindergartener’s imagination can be incredibly vivid.

Suppose Dad turns off the television because it is bedtime. The child becomes angry and later tells the teacher: “My dad was really mean. He screamed at me all night.”

Perhaps Dad did not scream at all. The child’s statement may be less of a calculated accusation and more of an emotional version of events: “I was really mad at Dad.”

The American Psychological Association describes lying as a normal part of childhood development and notes that children’s ability to deceive is connected with developing self-control and understanding another person’s perspective. [apa.org]

Parents therefore have to teach an important distinction: Feelings are always real. Stories about what happened are not always accurate.

A child can truthfully say: “I was really mad at Daddy.”

That is different from saying: “Daddy hit me,” if no hitting occurred.

2. The child may be trying to explain an emotion

Young children do not always have the vocabulary to communicate complicated emotions.

“Mom is mean” might actually mean:

  • “Mom wouldn’t let me stay up.”
  • “Mom made me clean my room.”
  • “Mom took my tablet away.”
  • “Mom said no.”
  • “I was angry with Mom.”

Instead of immediately correcting:

“Your mother is NOT mean!”

try: “It sounds like you were angry with Mom. Tell me what happened.”

Then help the child replace the broad statement with accurate language: “Mom told me I couldn’t play Xbox because it was bedtime, and that made me mad.”

Now the child is learning something much more valuable than simply being told not to lie. The child is learning how to communicate accurately.

3. The story may get attention

Children quickly learn which stories produce reactions. Consider these two statements:

“I played with blocks yesterday.”

and

“My uncle got mad and smashed my Xbox!”

Which statement gets more attention? The second one probably produces questions, surprise, concern, and conversations between adults. Child Mind Institute notes that children can lie for several reasons, including getting attention, testing a new behavior, improving how others see them, avoiding consequences, dealing with anxiety, or responding impulsively. [childmind.org]

If dramatic stories repeatedly create large amounts of adult attention, the child’s storytelling can accidentally be reinforced. That doesn’t mean adults should ignore concerning statements. It means they should respond calmly rather than dramatically.

Always Take Safety Statements Seriously

There is an extremely important distinction parents, teachers, and caregivers must make.

If a child says: “Mommy hit me.”

do not simply answer: “You’re lying.”

Statements involving abuse, inappropriate touching, threats, violence, fear, neglect, or someone hurting the child should be taken seriously and handled using appropriate school, clinical, or child-safety procedures. At the same time, adults should avoid interrogating or repeatedly questioning a young child. A better initial response may be: “Thank you for telling me. Tell me what happened.”

Allow the child to describe the event rather than supplying possibilities. This distinction matters because teaching honesty must never teach children that adults won’t believe them when something genuinely happens.

Other Reasons Children May Tell Untrue Stories

Avoiding consequences

A child knocks over a lamp.

“Who did this?”

“The dog knocked it over.”

Fear of punishment can make denial attractive. The American Academy of Pediatrics specifically identifies fear of disappointing parents or being punished as reasons children may lie. It also warns that extreme parental reactions can make children more likely to use lying as protection. [healthychildren.org]

Wishful thinking

Sometimes children tell the world the way they wish it were.

“We’re getting a puppy tomorrow!”

Nobody is getting a puppy.

The child may simply desperately want one.

Making a boring story exciting

“My uncle accidentally moved my Xbox.”

may become:

“My uncle got mad and threw my Xbox across the room!”

The child’s storytelling ability has developed faster than their understanding of when creative embellishment is appropriate.

Avoiding embarrassment

A child falls at recess and tells classmates:

“Someone pushed me.”

The real problem may be embarrassment rather than dishonesty for personal gain.

Testing cause and effect

Children experiment.

“What happens if I say this?”

Child Mind Institute specifically identifies testing out a new behavior as one reason children lie. [childmind.org]

Don’t Give a Kindergarten Child a Permanent Label

One of the most important things parents can do is separate the child from the behavior.

Avoid: “You’re a liar.”

Instead say: “That story wasn’t what really happened.”

There is an enormous psychological difference. One defines the child’s identity. The other identifies a behavior that can be corrected.

Parents want the child thinking: “I told something that wasn’t true, and I can fix it.”

Not: “I’m a bad kid.”

Child Mind Institute similarly recommends avoiding labels such as “liar” and instead helping children practice truth-telling and giving them opportunities to correct what they said. [childmind.org]

Teach Three Categories: Real, Pretend and Mistake

One simple activity can work particularly well with kindergarten-age children.

Create three categories:

REAL

Something that actually happened. “We went to Grandma’s house Saturday.”

PRETEND

Something imagined for fun. “A dinosaur lives in Grandma’s basement.”

MISTAKE

Something you thought happened but later discovered wasn’t right. “I thought Dad took my toy, but it was under my bed.”

This third category is important. Children need to know that being wrong doesn’t automatically make them dishonest.

Activity: The Truth Detective

Turn learning into a game.

Tell the child several statements:

  • “We ate breakfast this morning.”
  • “An elephant drove me to work.”
  • “You have three hundred brothers.”
  • “We went to the store yesterday.”
  • “A dragon sleeps in our garage.”

Ask:

“Truth, pretend, or mistake?”

Then reverse roles. Let the child create statements and make the adult figure them out. The important rule is: Pretending is wonderful when everybody knows we’re pretending. This allows parents to encourage imagination without confusing imagination with factual communication.

Activity: Let’s Try That Story Again

When a child gives an obviously inaccurate account, avoid immediately launching into a lecture. Give the child an opportunity to correct it.

Child:

“Uncle broke my Xbox.”

Parent:

“Let’s stop and think. Did Uncle really break the Xbox, or are we making up a story?”

If the child admits making it up: “Good job fixing your story. Now tell me what really happened.”

When the child tells the truth: “Thank you. Telling the truth helps me trust what you tell me.”

The correction itself becomes practice.

Give Children Better Words for Their Feelings

Some “lying” problems are really communication problems. Teach replacement phrases.

Instead of: “Daddy is mean!” teach: “I’m mad at Daddy.”

Instead of: “Mommy hates me!” teach: “I’m sad because Mommy told me no.”

Instead of: “My teacher is horrible!” teach: “I didn’t like what my teacher told me to do.”

Instead of: “My brother always beats me up!” teach: “My brother pushed me when we were playing.”

The goal isn’t to tell children what they are allowed to feel. It is teaching them: Say what you feel, and describe what happened accurately.

Create a Family Rule About Honesty

Keep the rule simple enough that a 5-year-old can remember it:

“In our family, it is always safe to tell the truth. We may still have to fix what happened, but telling the truth helps us solve the problem.”

That final part is important. If admitting the truth guarantees an explosive reaction, children have another reason to hide it. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends making clear that truthfulness matters while avoiding harsh punishment. Parents’ own honesty is also an important model for their children. [healthychildren.org]

Praise Truth-Telling, Especially When It Is Difficult

Imagine the child spills juice on the carpet. The child says: “I did it.” The parent might immediately want to talk about the carpet. First recognize honesty: “Thank you for telling me the truth.”

Then address responsibility: “Now let’s clean it up.”

This teaches two different lessons:

  • Honesty earns recognition.
  • Honesty doesn’t erase responsibility.

The child still cleans the mess.

Try a “Truth Reset”

Give a child a brief opportunity to reconsider. “I’m going to give you one minute to think about what really happened. Then we’ll start again.”

Afterward: “Okay. Let’s start over. Tell me what actually happened.”

A reset removes some of the pressure associated with being caught. It also provides practice using self-control before speaking.

Use Books and Stories

Children understand abstract concepts better through concrete examples.

Read a story involving honesty and pause occasionally:

“Was that something that really happened?”

“Why do you think the character said that?”

“How could the character fix it?”

“What could the character say instead?”

You can even make your child the hero of a homemade story:

Once there was a little boy who sometimes had stories pop into his head so quickly that they came out of his mouth before he stopped to decide whether they were real or pretend…

Let the child decide what the character should do next. That turns an uncomfortable behavioral issue into a skill-building exercise.

Parents and Teachers Need the Same Strategy

A kindergarten child spends much of the day away from parents. Consistency among the important adults in the child’s life can therefore make a major difference. Parents can talk privately with the teacher and say:

“We’re working on helping him distinguish between something that really happened, something he imagined, and something he wishes happened. If he tells an unusual story, please take any safety concern seriously, but when appropriate, you can also ask him whether he is telling you something real or telling an imagination story.”

Parents and teachers can use common phrases:

“Is this real, pretend, or something you’re not sure about?”

“Let’s slow down and tell what happened from the beginning.”

“How were you feeling when that happened?”

“Thank you for fixing the story.”

Consistency makes the lesson much easier for the child to learn.

Bring Grandparents, Babysitters and Family into the Plan

Children can become confused when different adults respond dramatically differently.

  • A grandmother may laugh at an exaggerated story.
  • A parent may become angry.
  • A teacher may ask repeated questions.
  • An uncle may say: “Don’t tell lies!”

Everyone has good intentions, but the child receives several different lessons. Instead, create a simple support plan.

The family’s response can be:

1. Stay calm.

2. Listen.

3. Take safety statements seriously.

4. Ask the child to distinguish real from pretend when appropriate.

5. Help the child restate what actually happened.

6. Praise the correction and honesty.

7. Avoid calling the child a liar.

Repeatedly hearing the same message helps the child learn the skill across settings.

Keep a Simple Parent-Teacher Pattern Log

If the behavior happens frequently, parents and teachers can collect information for two or three weeks.

Record:

  • What the child said
  • Where it happened
  • Who was present
  • What happened immediately before it
  • How adults responded
  • What the child appeared to gain or avoid
  • Whether the child corrected the story afterward

Patterns may emerge. For example:

Mostly after correction?
The child may be escaping consequences.

Mostly around peers?
Attention or social approval may be important.

Mostly fantastic stories?
Imagination may be playing a large role.

Mostly during difficult tasks?
Frustration, anxiety, attention or learning concerns could be contributing.

This turns the question from“Why is my child lying?” into the more useful question:

“What problem is this behavior helping my child solve?”

When the Story Is Serious, Don’t Conduct Your Own Investigation

Stories such as:

“Mom hit me.”

“Someone touched me.”

“Daddy said he would hurt me.”

are different from:

“We have twelve puppies at home.”

When potential abuse or safety issues are involved, adults should take the statement seriously and follow appropriate safeguarding procedures. Parents understandably want to determine immediately what happened. But repeated, leading questions can create additional confusion.

A teacher or caregiver can remain calm and listen without suggesting answers. That protects two important principles simultaneously:

Children must know adults will listen when they report something unsafe.

And:

Adults should not turn every unusual kindergarten story into an interrogation.

When Should Parents Seek Professional Help?

Occasional invented stories at kindergarten age are usually very different from a persistent behavioral pattern. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that frequent or elaborate lying can sometimes accompany other emotional or behavioral difficulties and may warrant professional evaluation. [aacap.org]

Child Mind Institute similarly explains that habitual lying becomes more concerning when it causes significant distress or problems in the child’s functioning. [childmind.org]

Consider discussing the behavior with the child’s pediatrician or a licensed child mental-health professional when:

  • false stories become extremely frequent;
  • the behavior is damaging friendships or school functioning;
  • stories consistently involve serious allegations;
  • the child seems unable to distinguish fantasy from reality well beyond what is developmentally expected;
  • lying appears connected with significant anxiety, impulsivity, aggression or learning difficulties;
  • the behavior suddenly changes dramatically;
  • the child experiences significant distress; or
  • parents and teachers are unable to improve the pattern despite consistent intervention.

Professional assessment is not about giving the child the label of “liar.” It is about determining what need the behavior may be communicating.

A Two-Week Honesty Challenge

Families can turn this into a positive exercise. For 14 days, create one daily opportunity to practice honesty.

Day-to-day goals can include:

Days 1-3: Practice “real or pretend?”

Days 4-5: Practice naming feelings accurately.

Days 6-7: Practice telling what happened in the correct order.

Days 8-9: Read stories about honesty.

Days 10-11: Role-play mistakes and telling the truth.

Day 12: Practice a “truth reset.”

Day 13: Have the child teach someone else what honesty means.

Day 14: Celebrate the child’s progress.

Celebrate the skill, not perfection.

“I’m proud that you’re learning how to tell people exactly what happened.”

What Parents Should Remember Most

Kindergarten-age children are still learning something adults take for granted: our words tell other people what happened in the world.

A 5-year-old saying something untrue does not automatically mean that the child is manipulative, dishonest, or developing poor character.

The American Psychological Association describes lying as a normal developmental phenomenon and emphasizes teaching children honesty rather than viewing childhood lying only as misconduct. [apa.org]

Children need adults to teach the difference among:

what happened,

what they felt,

what they imagined,

and

what they wished had happened.

Those are remarkably complicated distinctions for a young mind.

Conclusion

When parents hear that their kindergarten-age child told a teacher, “Dad is mean,” “Mom hit me,” or “Uncle broke my Xbox,” the first reaction may be embarrassment, fear or anger.

Slow down.

Listen.

Take potentially serious disclosures seriously.

Then start teaching.

Don’t merely tell a child,“Don’t lie.”

Teach them how to tell the truth.

Teach the child to describe events accurately. Give them words for difficult feelings. Help them separate imagination from reality. Allow them to correct inaccurate statements. Praise honesty while still requiring accountability. Ask teachers and family members to reinforce the same skills.

Most importantly, create a home in which telling the truth is expected but also emotionally safe. A child’s imagination is something parents should protect. The lesson isn’t to stop children from telling stories.

It is to teach them when a story belongs in the world of imagination and when their words need to describe what actually happened.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has given him the opportunity to work with individuals and families facing trauma, mental health challenges, relationship difficulties, major life transitions, and the everyday struggles that shape human growth.

John writes The Mind’s Trestle Board as a place to explore the intersection of mental health, relationships, personal responsibility, faith, morality, fatherhood, emotional development, and the lifelong work of becoming a better human being.

His writing is grounded in the belief that growth does not require perfection. It requires honesty, humility, reflection, responsibility, and a willingness to keep working on ourselves. Through both his professional experience and personal reflections, he encourages readers to look beneath their immediate emotions and consider the values, choices, commitments, and relationships upon which a meaningful life is built.

References

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2017). Lying and children: Facts for families, No. 44. [aacap.org]

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2025). When children lie: What parents can do. HealthyChildren.org. The guidance notes that children younger than approximately age 6 can have difficulty separating reality and fantasy and recommends calm responses and modeling honesty rather than harsh punishment. [healthychildren.org]

Arky, B. Child Mind Institute. Why kids lie and what parents can do about it. Clinical expert Matthew H. Rouse, PhD. [childmind.org]

Koplewicz, H. S., MD. Child Mind Institute. (2025). When should you get help for a child who’s a pathological liar? [childmind.org]

Talwar, V., PhD. American Psychological Association. The truth about why kids lie. Speaking of Psychology, Episode 200. [apa.org]

Talwar, V. The Truth About Lying: Teaching Honesty to Children at Every Age and Stage. American Psychological Association. The book emphasizes staying calm, addressing motivation, using positive discipline, recognizing honesty, modeling truthfulness and encouraging open communication. [apa.org]

When Helping Becomes Enabling

If You Don’t Let People Suffer the Consequences of Their Actions, You Will Always Be a Safe Space for Their Worst Behavior

“Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop protecting someone from the consequences of the choices they keep making.”

There is a hard lesson that many good-hearted people eventually have to learn:

Helping someone and protecting someone from accountability are not the same thing.

We want to believe love means staying. Forgiving. Helping. Giving another chance. Paying the bill. Making the excuse. Cleaning up the mess. Answering the late-night call. Fixing the problem one more time.

Sometimes that is love.

But sometimes what we call love slowly turns into enabling.

Psychology Today describes enabling as behavior that shields someone from the natural negative consequences of their actions. Cleveland Clinic similarly explains that repeatedly rescuing someone can keep that person from learning to make better choices and becoming more independent.

Eventually, we have to ask ourselves a difficult question:

Am I helping this person become better, or have I simply become a comfortable place for their worst behavior to land?

—

When Grace Loses Accountability

Grace is important.

People make mistakes. People struggle. People relapse. People fail. People sometimes hurt those they love.

Everyone deserves opportunities to learn and change.

But grace without accountability can become permission.

There is an enormous difference between saying:

“You made a mistake, but I believe you can do better.”

and saying:

“You can keep making the same choice, and I will keep protecting you from what happens afterward.”

The second message may never be spoken aloud.

But behavior communicates it.

If someone repeatedly creates financial problems and another person always pays the bill, what incentive exists to change?

If someone repeatedly speaks disrespectfully but knows everyone will eventually pretend nothing happened, what has that person learned?

If someone continually fails to meet responsibilities and someone else quietly picks them up, the consequences never reach the person responsible.

What began as compassion can slowly become participation in the problem.

—

Consequences Are Not the Same as Punishment

This distinction matters.

A consequence does not necessarily mean punishment.

A natural consequence is simply what happens because of a choice.

If I spend money irresponsibly, I may not have enough money later.

If I continually break promises, people may stop trusting me.

If I repeatedly disrespect someone, that person may decide to limit contact with me.

If I fail to fulfill a responsibility, I may lose an opportunity.

Cause and effect are among life’s greatest teachers.

Research and clinical guidance on natural and logical consequences emphasize that predictable responses to behavior help people understand the relationship between choices and outcomes.

When we constantly interrupt that process, we may also interrupt the lesson.

—

The Rescue Cycle

Enabling rarely begins with someone saying, “I want this person to continue behaving badly.”

It usually starts with love.

Something happens.

We rescue them.

They promise it will not happen again.

Things improve temporarily.

Then it happens again.

We rescue them again.

Eventually, something important changes.

The rescue becomes expected.

Cleveland Clinic notes that enabling often comes from love and a desire to help, yet repeatedly assuming the role of problem solver can prevent a loved one from learning to make healthier choices.

The person stops wondering:

“What will happen if I make this choice?”

and begins assuming:

“Who will fix this when it goes wrong?”

That is when helping becomes dangerous.

—

You Can Become a Safe Place for Bad Behavior

There is something beautiful about being someone’s safe place.

A healthy safe place says:

“You can tell me the truth.”

“You can admit you failed.”

“You can cry here.”

“You can ask for help.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be perfect.”

But an unhealthy safe place says something entirely different:

“You can mistreat me and I will remain available.”

“You can ignore your responsibilities and I will handle them.”

“You can break my trust repeatedly and I will keep resetting the clock.”

“You don’t have to change because I will absorb the consequences.”

That isn’t emotional safety.

It is insulation from accountability.

And there’s a difference.

—

Boundaries Change the Message

The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines a boundary as a psychological demarcation that protects a person’s integrity or helps establish realistic limits in a relationship or activity.

A boundary therefore isn’t primarily about controlling another person.

It is about deciding what you will participate in.

That’s an important distinction.

Instead of:

“You aren’t allowed to yell anymore.”

A boundary might be:

“If you begin yelling at me, I will end the conversation until we can speak respectfully.”

Instead of:

“You have to become responsible with money.”

It might become:

“I love you, but I will no longer pay debts created by choices I didn’t make.”

Instead of:

“You have to stop lying.”

It might be:

“I cannot maintain the same level of trust when I continue discovering dishonesty.”

APA guidance on professional boundaries makes a similar point in another context: limits can protect both people and support healthier relationships rather than serving as rejection.

A boundary doesn’t require the other person’s cooperation.

That’s what makes it a boundary.

—

“But What If They Suffer?”

Perhaps they will.

Watching someone you love experience consequences can be painful.

But discomfort is not always damage.

Sometimes discomfort is information.

It says:

Something isn’t working.

Something needs to change.

This choice costs more than I thought it would.

When we immediately remove every uncomfortable consequence, we may unintentionally remove the motivation to do something differently.

Psychology Today specifically identifies cleaning up or shielding someone from the natural negative consequences of problematic behavior as a form of enabling.

This doesn’t mean we abandon people in danger.

It doesn’t mean refusing medical care.

It doesn’t mean allowing a child or vulnerable adult to experience preventable harm.

And it certainly does not mean retaliating against somebody.

It means understanding an important truth:

There is a difference between protecting someone from danger and protecting someone from responsibility.

—

Stop Carrying What Belongs to Someone Else

Many people become exhausted because they are carrying responsibilities that were never theirs.

Another adult’s finances.

Another adult’s honesty.

Another adult’s employment.

Another adult’s temper.

Another adult’s relationships.

Another adult’s choices.

Another adult’s responsibilities.

We convince ourselves:

“If I don’t do it, nobody will.”

That may be true.

But occasionally, nobody doing it is exactly what allows reality to finally become visible.

If you always catch someone before they fall, that person may never realize how close to the edge they have been living.

—

Love Them Enough to Let Them Own It

Accountability does not require cruelty.

You don’t have to humiliate someone.

You don’t need to say, “I told you so.”

You don’t have to enjoy seeing another person struggle.

You can remain compassionate while refusing to rescue.

You can say:

“I love you, but I can’t fix this for you.”

“I believe you can handle this.”

“I’ll support you while you work through it, but I won’t take responsibility for something that belongs to you.”

“I forgive you, but forgiveness doesn’t erase the need for change.”

“I am here when you’re ready to do something different.”

That isn’t abandonment.

Sometimes it is the most honest kind of support we can give.

Cleveland Clinic makes this distinction directly: healthy help supports improvement, while enabling prevents someone from learning better choices and becoming more capable of standing independently.

—

Boundaries Will Reveal Relationships

There is another uncomfortable reality about setting boundaries.

Some people will not like them.

A person who benefited from your lack of boundaries may experience your new boundary as unfair.

Someone accustomed to unlimited access to your time may call you selfish when you begin saying no.

Someone accustomed to having you fix every problem may tell you that you’ve changed.

They may be right.

You have changed.

You stopped confusing love with unlimited tolerance.

You stopped confusing forgiveness with permission.

You stopped confusing compassion with rescuing.

And you stopped measuring the health of the relationship by how much mistreatment you could endure.

—

The Goal Isn’t to Make Them Suffer

This deserves emphasis.

The purpose of consequences is not suffering for suffering’s sake.

Healthy accountability shouldn’t be revenge.

The goal isn’t:

“I’m going to teach you a lesson.”

The healthier position is:

“I’m no longer going to prevent life from teaching the lesson.”

That is an enormous difference.

One is punishment.

The other is stepping out of the cycle.

—

Conclusion: Stop Being a Safe Place for the Worst Version of Someone

We should all strive to be safe people.

Safe enough that someone can be honest.

Safe enough that someone can acknowledge a mistake.

Safe enough that someone can ask for help.

Safe enough that someone can admit failure and try again.

But being emotionally safe does not mean becoming a consequence-free environment.

Sometimes love comforts.

Sometimes love forgives.

Sometimes love gives another chance.

And sometimes love quietly steps aside and says:

“This belongs to you.”

Because if you repeatedly protect someone from the consequences created by their own choices, eventually you may stop being a safe place for their healing and become a safe place for their worst behavior.

Perhaps one of the greatest expressions of respect is believing another adult is capable of facing reality, taking responsibility and changing.

You can love someone without rescuing them.

You can forgive someone without trusting them immediately.

You can care without carrying.

You can support without enabling.

And you can say no without becoming cruel.

Sometimes the boundary isn’t where love ends. The boundary is where unhealthy love ends and healthy love finally begins.

—

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His professional work focuses on behavioral health, counseling, leadership, personal growth, relationships and helping individuals build healthier and more meaningful lives.

Collier is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he explores the intersection of psychology, relationships, responsibility, faith, morality, leadership and personal development. His writing often challenges readers to examine not only the behavior of others, but also their own choices, boundaries and responsibilities.

Through his clinical experience and reflective writing, Collier encourages a simple principle: meaningful change requires honesty, personal responsibility and the willingness to do the difficult work of becoming better.

—

References

American Psychological Association. (2018). Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Stringer, H. (2025). The benefits of better boundaries in clinical practice. American Psychological Association.

Wu, J. (2020). How to recognize (and correct) enabling behavior. Psychology Today.

Cleveland Clinic. (2023). 4 signs of enabling and how to stop. The article discusses the distinction between helping and repeatedly rescuing someone from the consequences of problematic choices.

Johnson, L. (2023). Helping children learn: The importance of natural and logical consequences when working with children who have experienced trauma. Outcomes First Group. The resource explains natural and logical consequences and their role in learning cause and effect.

From Victim to Survivor: Reclaiming the Life That Was Never Theirs to Take

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There is a difference between being a victim and living permanently from the frame of mind of a victim.

If someone abused you, betrayed you, abandoned you, assaulted you, neglected you, manipulated you, or harmed you, you may have truly been a victim.

That is a fact.

Calling yourself a survivor does not change the facts. It does not make what happened smaller. It does not excuse the person who hurt you.

It changes something else.

It changes who gets to write the next chapter.

A victim asks:

“Look what they did to me.”

A survivor eventually learns to ask:

“What am I going to do with my life now?”

That may sound like a small difference.

It isn’t.

It may be one of the most important changes that happens during healing.

First, There Is No Shame in Being a Victim

Before talking about a “victim mindset,” we need to be extraordinarily careful with our words.

A person who has experienced trauma may feel afraid, angry, powerless, suspicious, overwhelmed, or emotionally numb. These responses should not automatically be interpreted as weakness or a character problem.

SAMHSA describes trauma as experiences that can have lasting effects on a person’s mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It also emphasizes that people respond to traumatic experiences differently. Strong support and resilient qualities can influence how someone responds. Likewise, the American Psychological Association recognizes that trauma can have long-lasting psychological and physical consequences, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, dissociation, and other difficulties. So when someone has been badly hurt, telling them to “stop acting like a victim” can be cruel and clinically misguided.

There are times when surviving is enough.

Getting through the day is enough.

Staying safe is enough.

Getting out of bed is enough.

But there may eventually come a point when survival asks something more of us.

The question changes from:

“What happened to me?”

to:

“What happens next?”

The Victim Frame of Mind

The victim frame of mind is not simply sadness about something painful.

It occurs when the injury becomes the lens through which a person begins interpreting much of life.

Something terrible happened to me.

Therefore:

  • I am powerless.
  • People cannot be trusted.
  • My life will always be this way.
  • There is nothing I can do.
  • Someone else must change before I can heal.
  • My past determines my future.
  • What was taken from me can never be rebuilt.
  • Because I was hurt, I will always be broken.

These beliefs are understandable after trauma.

But understandable does not necessarily mean helpful forever.

One particularly important example is avoidance. VA National Center for PTSD explains that wanting to avoid reminders of trauma is common, but relying heavily on avoidance can worsen PTSD symptoms and make moving forward more difficult. A coping strategy that once helped you survive can eventually become the wall preventing you from living.

That is one of trauma’s cruel contradictions.

The Survivor Frame of Mind

The survivor does not pretend the wound never happened.

The survivor learns to carry the scar without allowing the scar to become an identity.

The survivor can say:

Yes, that happened.

Yes, it hurt me.

Yes, I have wounds from it.

No, it was not fair.

No, I did not deserve it.

And yes, I still have a life to live.

Research on resilience after trauma examines precisely this question: how people adapt following profoundly difficult experiences and how resilience can be fostered after trauma. Survival is therefore not denial.

It is not saying:

“It didn’t hurt.”

It is saying:

“It hurt, and I am still here.”

Victim Thinking Says, “They Have the Power.”

Survivor thinking says:

“I have choices.”

Perhaps you could not choose what happened.

You can choose what you do today.

You can choose whether to ask for help.

You can choose your boundaries.

You can choose whom you allow close to you.

You can choose whether to continue treatment.

You can choose whether the people who wounded your past are permitted to control your future.

Trauma-informed care itself recognizes the importance of safety, trust, collaboration, empowerment, voice, and choice in recovery. SAMHSA identifies these ideas among the central principles of trauma-informed approaches. That word matters:

Choice.

Trauma frequently involves losing control.

Recovery often involves discovering where control still exists.

“Why Did This Happen to Me?”

Nearly everyone who has suffered deeply has asked some version of this question.

Why me?

Why did they do it?

Why didn’t someone protect me?

Why didn’t I see it?

Why didn’t I leave sooner?

Why didn’t anyone believe me?

Those questions deserve compassion.

But there is another question that can eventually become more useful:

“Given that this happened, who do I want to become now?”

That question cannot rewrite yesterday.

It can begin changing tomorrow.

Survivors Learn the Difference Between Responsibility and Blame

This may be the hardest concept in the entire journey.

You are not necessarily responsible for what happened to you.

But you eventually become responsible for what you do with what happened to you.

Those are completely different statements.

If someone injured you, responsibility for that action belongs to that person.

Healing belongs to you.

That may feel terribly unfair.

It often is.

Sometimes another person creates the wound while you are left doing the work of repairing it.

But refusing to heal until the person who hurt you makes everything right can leave your future tied to the very person who harmed your past.

Your healing does not need their permission.

Your recovery does not require their understanding.

Your future does not require their apology.

Accountability matters. Justice matters. Acknowledgment matters. In fact, the American Psychological Association recognizes the potential importance of acknowledgment, apology, redress, and restitution in trauma recovery. But your life cannot always remain suspended while waiting for those things.

How Do You Become the Survivor?

There is no switch that suddenly changes someone from victim to survivor.

Healing tends to be a process.

Some days you may feel strong.

The next day, something may trigger an old wound and make you feel as though you have gone backward.

You haven’t necessarily failed.

Here are several places to begin.

1. Tell the Truth About What Happened

Survivorship doesn’t begin by minimizing the past.

It begins with truth.

It happened.

It hurt.

It affected me.

You do not have to defend the person who hurt you.

You do not have to rewrite history to make other people comfortable.

Healing requires honesty.

And sometimes that honesty needs to happen with a qualified mental health professional rather than alone.

2. Stop Making the Wound Your Identity

Notice the enormous difference between these statements:

“I experienced abuse.”

and

“I am damaged.”

Or:

“Someone betrayed me.”

and

“I am unlovable.”

An event is not an identity.

Trauma can influence identity development, and researchers continue to study the relationship between trauma exposure and identity. What happened may always be part of your story.

It does not have to become your entire definition.

You are more than the worst thing someone ever did to you.

3. Identify What You Still Control

Take a sheet of paper and make two columns.

I Cannot Control

  • What happened yesterday
  • What another person thinks
  • Whether someone admits wrongdoing
  • Whether someone apologizes
  • Whether everyone understands my story
  • Another person’s choices

I Can Influence or Control

  • What I do today
  • Whether I ask for help
  • My boundaries
  • Many of my daily choices
  • Whose advice I seek
  • Whether I participate in treatment
  • How I respond when old patterns appear
  • What kind of person I am trying to become

Spend less energy fighting the first list.

Invest more energy in the second.

That is where your power lives.

4. Recognize Avoidance

Avoidance can feel like safety.

Sometimes it is appropriate to avoid genuine danger. But avoiding every thought, emotion, place, relationship, or reminder associated with what happened is different.

The VA National Center for PTSD notes that emotional and behavioral avoidance can interfere with recovery and that effective PTSD treatments can help people learn to cope with trauma-related thoughts and feelings. The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs has similarly developed recovery materials specifically focused on identifying problematic avoidance behaviors and gradually changing behaviors that keep people stuck in trauma recovery. Courage does not mean never being afraid.

Sometimes courage is simply deciding:

“Fear is present, but fear is no longer making every decision.”

5. Build Boundaries Instead of Walls

Trauma may teach:

Never trust anybody again.

Healing teaches something more sophisticated:

Learn who has earned your trust.

A wall keeps everyone outside.

A boundary has a gate.

A survivor learns when to open it, when to close it, and who receives a key.

6. Allow Yourself to Receive Help

Being a survivor does not mean doing everything alone.

Actually, refusing every form of help can sometimes keep people isolated.

SAMHSA emphasizes safety, peer support, trust, collaboration, and empowerment as important elements within trauma-informed approaches. Help may include professional counseling, trusted friends and family, support groups, medical care, community resources, or spiritual support according to your beliefs and circumstances.

Strength isn’t proving that you need nobody.

Sometimes strength is finally admitting:

“I don’t have to carry all of this by myself.”

7. Give Yourself Permission to Have a Future

Trauma keeps pulling the mind backward.

Healing gradually teaches it to look forward again.

Make plans.

Set a goal.

Learn something.

Build something.

Reconnect carefully.

Create new routines.

Find something meaningful enough that tomorrow becomes more than another day spent thinking about yesterday.

This does not dishonor what happened.

It demonstrates that what happened did not win.

Forgiveness Is Not the Price of Admission

People are sometimes told that they cannot heal unless they forgive the person who hurt them.

I would be careful with that message.

Forgiveness may be deeply meaningful for some people, especially within their spiritual beliefs. But forgiveness should not be confused with denying harm, restoring an unsafe relationship, abandoning boundaries, or removing accountability.

You can heal while still saying:

“What you did was wrong.”

You can move forward without pretending it never happened.

You can have compassion and boundaries at the same time.

Survival Is Not Becoming Who You Were Before

Perhaps this is where we sometimes misunderstand recovery.

After something profound happens, you may never become exactly the person you were before.

That doesn’t automatically mean something has been lost forever.

Perhaps the goal isn’t to go backward.

Perhaps it is to move forward.

Wiser.

More discerning.

More compassionate.

Better acquainted with your boundaries.

More aware of your strength.

More intentional about the life you build.

Resilience research has increasingly examined not merely whether people endure trauma, but how resilience may be fostered following it. The goal isn’t to become untouched.

It is to become unowned by what touched you.

The Day You Become a Survivor

There may never be a ceremony.

Nobody hands you a certificate.

You probably won’t wake up one morning completely free from every painful memory.

Instead, the transformation may happen quietly.

One day you realize you haven’t thought about it for several hours.

Then perhaps an entire day.

You recognize a trigger and choose a different response.

You establish a boundary you once believed you couldn’t establish.

You stop explaining yourself to somebody committed to misunderstanding you.

You ask for help.

You laugh again without feeling guilty.

You make plans.

You love again.

You hope again.

And somewhere along the way, your vocabulary changes.

You stop saying:

“This is who I am because of what they did.”

And begin saying:

“This is who I am becoming despite what happened.”

That is the difference.

The victim’s story is centered around what was done.

The survivor’s story acknowledges what was done but slowly turns toward what comes next.

Conclusion: Take Back the Pen

You cannot erase pages that have already been written.

Some pages may contain things you wish had never happened.

Some contain loss.

Others contain betrayal, fear, grief, humiliation, abandonment, or pain.

There is no wisdom in pretending those pages aren’t there.

Read them when you need to.

Grieve them.

Talk about them.

Learn from them.

Get professional help working through them when necessary.

But eventually, remember something extraordinarily important:

There are blank pages after them.

And those pages still belong to you.

Being a survivor does not mean saying, “It didn’t hurt me.”

It means being able to say:

“It hurt me. It changed me. There were days when I didn’t know whether I could carry it anymore. But I am still here, and what happened to me will not be given the authority to decide everything that happens next.”

You didn’t choose every chapter.

But you can still take back the pen.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has included years of work with individuals and families experiencing mental health concerns, trauma, behavioral challenges, relationship difficulties, developmental disabilities, and complicated life transitions.

He earned his bachelor’s degree and became a Certified Social Worker in 2004 before continuing his education and professional development in clinical social work. He became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in 2010 and later earned the credential of Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor.

As Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, Collier works in behavioral health leadership, clinical services, organizational development, community-based behavioral supports, and advocacy for individuals and families throughout southeastern Kentucky.

He is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he writes about mental health, relationships, masculinity, family, morality, personal responsibility, faith, emotional growth, and the difficult process of becoming a better version of ourselves. His writing often draws from the intersection of clinical experience, human behavior, personal reflection, and the belief that people should never be reduced to the worst moment of their lives.

References

American Psychological Association. (2024). Individual, collective, and intergenerational trauma recovery: Considering the restorative roles of restitution and reparations.

American Psychological Association. Nugent, N. R., Sumner, J. A., & Amstadter, A. B. (2014). Resilience after trauma: From surviving to thriving. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 5.

PubMed Central. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2026). Trauma and violence: What is trauma and its effects? SAMHSA.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2023). Practical guide for implementing a trauma-informed approach. SAMHSA.

Truskauskaite-Kuneviciene, I., Brailovskaia, J., Kamite, Y., Petrauskaite, G., Margraf, J., & Kazlauskas, E. (2020). Does trauma shape identity? Exploring the links between lifetime trauma exposure and identity status in emerging adulthood. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 570644.

PubMed Central. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. (2026). Avoidance. National Center for PTSD. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, South Central MIRECC. (2022). An active approach to recovering from trauma: Breaking the cycle of safety aids and avoidance. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.

The Healing Power of a Kiss: How Kissing Your Partner Can Affect Your Health

A kiss can last only a few seconds, but the experience can communicate something much larger: I see you. I am here. You matter to me.

Between committed partners, kissing does not always have to lead somewhere else. Sometimes it is simply affection. A goodbye kiss before work, a kiss after a difficult day, or a quiet kiss before going to sleep can become part of the language through which two people maintain their connection.

Interestingly, research suggests that affectionate behaviors such as kissing may affect more than the relationship itself. They can also interact with the body’s stress response and may be associated with certain measures of physical health.

A Kiss and the Stress Response

One of the better-supported potential health effects of affectionate kissing involves stress.

Kissing and other forms of affectionate touch have been associated with changes in hormones involved in attachment and stress, including oxytocin and cortisol. Cortisol is an important part of the body’s stress-response system, while oxytocin is associated with social bonding and attachment. That does not mean a kiss magically removes the problems of the day.

The bills still have to be paid.
The children still need attention.
Work may still be stressful.
The disagreement may still need to be resolved.

But affection can communicate something powerful in the middle of those circumstances:

“Whatever is happening around us, we are still connected.”

That feeling of connection can matter.

Kissing May Affect More Than Emotions

Researchers have also examined whether kissing is associated with physical health markers.

In a study using data from 863 U.S. adults, researcher Kory Floyd examined relationships among kissing frequency, stress, and blood lipids. The study found significant indirect associations between kissing frequency and triglycerides and HDL cholesterol among participants reporting seven or more kisses during the previous month, with stress serving as a mediating factor. That’s fascinating, but it requires an important word of caution.

This does not mean kissing should be considered a treatment for high cholesterol or cardiovascular disease. The healthier interpretation is that affectionate relationships and reduced stress may interact with physical health in ways researchers are continuing to understand.

A kiss isn’t medicine. But affection may be one of the small ways our relationships interact with our physical well-being.

Your Brain Notices Affection

Affection is not merely an abstract emotional experience.

The brain and body respond to it.

Kissing has been associated with neurochemicals involved in reward, bonding, and mood, including dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, while affectionate contact has also been associated with reductions in cortisol. That helps explain something couples often understand intuitively.

Sometimes your partner doesn’t need you to solve anything.

They need you to stop.

Look at them.

Put down the phone.

Give them your attention.

Give them a kiss.

And remind them that they are not carrying everything alone.

The Relationship May Benefit Too

Perhaps one of the most meaningful effects of kissing has nothing to do with laboratory numbers.

It is communication.

A kiss can mean:

Good morning.

I missed you.

I’m proud of you.

Thank you.

I’m sorry.

I’m glad you’re here.

We’re okay.

Goodnight.

Physical affection can reinforce feelings of attachment and closeness between partners, and oxytocin is closely associated with bonding. Over years together, these little rituals may become especially meaningful.

Grand romantic gestures are memorable. Daily affection, however, is often what fills the enormous spaces between those moments.

But Let’s Not Turn Kissing Into a Miracle Cure

The internet is filled with dramatic claims about kissing.

Some articles claim it burns significant calories, prevents cavities, boosts immunity, eliminates allergies, cures headaches, or provides cardiovascular exercise.

Those claims deserve caution.

Current evidence is much stronger for stress reduction, emotional connection, bonding, and relationship-related benefits than for portraying kissing as a medical treatment. Even recent health-oriented reviews caution that many of its physical benefits are modest and that kissing should not substitute for medical treatment or exercise. That’s actually a more interesting conclusion.

Kissing doesn’t have to cure anything to matter.

It’s more nuanced:

Affectionate kissing between healthy, consenting partners can be part of emotional connection and stress regulation, but it isn’t risk-free or a replacement for healthcare.

Maybe the Small Things Aren’t So Small

We tend to look for complicated solutions to complicated lives.

Better diets.

Exercise programs.

Supplements.

Vacations.

Meditation.

Therapy.

All of those can have their place.

But somewhere in our pursuit of health, we shouldn’t overlook the human need for affection and meaningful connection.

After years together, couples can gradually become very good business partners.

Who is picking up the kids?

Did you pay the electric bill?

What’s for dinner?

Who has the appointment tomorrow?

Did you call the insurance company?

We can become so busy managing a life together that we forget to experience one another.

A kiss interrupts that routine.

For a moment, there isn’t a mortgage, schedule, deadline, diagnosis, argument, or overflowing laundry basket.

There are simply two people acknowledging one another.

Perhaps that is the most important health lesson contained in something as ordinary as a kiss.

Sometimes a kiss doesn’t need to be passionate to be powerful. It only needs to remind two people that beneath everything they have to do, they still belong to one another.

Conclusion

Science should not be exaggerated. Kissing isn’t going to replace exercise, medication, good nutrition, sleep, or appropriate mental and physical healthcare.

But neither should we dismiss affection as insignificant.

Research gives us good reason to believe that kissing and other forms of affectionate communication can interact with stress, bonding, emotional well-being, and potentially some physiological measures. Maybe the lesson isn’t that everyone needs to kiss more because it will magically make them healthier.

Maybe it is simpler than that.

Human beings need connection.

And sometimes one of the simplest ways two partners say “I’m still here with you” doesn’t require words at all.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, behavioral health professional, writer, and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has given him the opportunity to work with individuals, families, professionals, and communities while developing a deeper understanding of the many factors that shape emotional health, relationships, personal growth, and human behavior.

John began his professional journey in social work after earning his bachelor’s degree and becoming a Certified Social Worker in 2004. He later advanced his education and clinical training, ultimately becoming a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in 2010 and earning the credentials to provide clinical supervision to other social workers.

Today, as Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, John works in the behavioral health field in southeastern Kentucky, with particular attention to improving access to quality mental health services in rural communities. His professional interests include clinical social work, mental health, Positive Behavior Support, family relationships, human development, organizational leadership, and the ways that relationships and life experiences influence emotional well-being.

John is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where his writing moves beyond the walls of the counseling office. He explores marriage, relationships, parenting, masculinity, faith, grief, trust, morality, personal responsibility, emotional growth, forgiveness, and the difficult process of becoming a better version of ourselves.

His writing is shaped not only by professional education and clinical experience, but also by the belief that some of life’s most important lessons are found in ordinary moments. A conversation between spouses, an argument with someone we love, a parent’s interaction with a child, a mistake we regret, an act of forgiveness, or even something as simple as a kiss goodbye can reveal something meaningful about attachment, connection, character, and the human need to belong.

Through The Mind’s Trestle Board, John encourages readers to slow down long enough to examine those moments rather than simply pass through them. Drawing upon behavioral science, social-work principles, life experience, and personal reflection, he seeks to translate complicated ideas about mental health and relationships into language that ordinary people can understand and apply to everyday life.

A recurring theme in his writing is that growth is not the same as perfection. People make mistakes. Relationships become strained. Families face difficult seasons. Individuals sometimes discover uncomfortable truths about themselves. What matters is whether we are willing to examine ourselves honestly, accept responsibility when responsibility belongs to us, learn from experience, seek wisdom, and continue becoming better people.

His work also reflects the importance of faith, family, commitment, compassion, accountability, and service to others. Rather than presenting himself as someone who has mastered those principles, John writes from the perspective of someone who continues to wrestle with what they mean in real life.

Ultimately, The Mind’s Trestle Board is built around a simple idea: our minds, relationships, choices, failures, successes, and experiences are constantly shaping the people we are becoming.

John’s hope is that his writing gives readers a reason to pause, think, talk with the people they love, question old assumptions, and perhaps look at an ordinary part of life from a different perspective.