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When Anger Meets Puberty: Understanding the preteen and young teenage – Boy

One of the most challenging periods for many families occurs when a boy enters puberty. Parents often describe feeling as though their once cheerful, affectionate child has become easily frustrated, argumentative, explosive, or emotionally distant seemingly overnight. While anger is not an inevitable part of adolescence, increased irritability and emotional intensity are common during the transition from childhood to adolescence. Understanding why this happens can help parents respond effectively and preserve a healthy relationship with their son.

Understanding What Is Happening

Around age 11 to 13, boys experience significant biological, emotional, and social changes. Testosterone levels increase, physical changes begin to emerge, and the brain undergoes substantial restructuring. During this period, the emotional centers of the brain develop more rapidly than the areas responsible for judgment, impulse control, and emotional regulation (Steinberg, 2014; National Institute of Mental Health, 2023).

As a result, a 12-year-old boy may experience emotions much more intensely than he did as a child while simultaneously lacking the skills needed to manage those emotions effectively. What appears to be defiance or disrespect may actually be emotional overwhelm.

Puberty can also create feelings of confusion and insecurity. Boys may worry about their appearance, athletic abilities, academic performance, friendships, or fitting in socially. Many boys have difficulty expressing vulnerable emotions such as embarrassment, fear, disappointment, sadness, or anxiety. Instead, these emotions are often expressed through irritability or anger (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024).

Why Anger Often Becomes the “Go-To” Emotion

Anger is frequently referred to as a “secondary emotion.” This means it often covers more vulnerable feelings underneath.

For example:

  • A boy who feels embarrassed may become angry.
  • A boy who feels rejected may become angry.
  • A boy who feels anxious may become angry.
  • A boy who feels powerless may become angry.

Many boys grow up receiving social messages that it is acceptable to show anger but not acceptable to show sadness, fear, or emotional pain. Consequently, anger becomes the emotion they know how to display most readily (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).

When parents focus only on stopping the angry behavior without exploring the feelings underneath, opportunities for connection and growth may be missed.

Signs That Anger May Be Related to Puberty

Normal developmental anger may include:

  • Increased irritability
  • Mood swings
  • Arguing more frequently
  • Frustration with rules
  • Emotional overreactions
  • Needing more privacy
  • Greater sensitivity to criticism

However, parents should seek professional support if anger is accompanied by:

  • Physical aggression
  • Threats of harm to self or others
  • Property destruction
  • Significant changes in sleep or appetite
  • Persistent depression
  • School refusal
  • Substance use
  • Social withdrawal
  • Self-harming behaviors

These signs may indicate underlying mental health concerns requiring assessment and intervention (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2024).

What Parents Can Do to Help

1. Stay Calm During Emotional Storms

One of the most powerful tools a parent possesses is emotional regulation. When parents become angry in response to a child’s anger, the situation often escalates.

Instead of saying:

“Calm down right now!”

Try saying:

“I can see you’re really upset. Let’s talk when you’re ready.”

A calm response helps the adolescent nervous system begin to settle. Children often borrow emotional regulation from the adults around them before they develop it themselves (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).

2. Look Beyond the Behavior

When a child becomes angry, ask yourself:

  • What happened before this?
  • Is he hurt?
  • Is he embarrassed?
  • Is he feeling left out?
  • Is he worried about something?

Understanding the underlying emotion does not excuse inappropriate behavior, but it does help address the true problem.

3. Teach Emotional Vocabulary

Many boys simply lack the language to describe their emotional experiences.

Help them identify feelings such as:

  • Frustrated
  • Disappointed
  • Nervous
  • Embarrassed
  • Lonely
  • Left out
  • Overwhelmed

Research demonstrates that helping children name emotions improves emotional regulation and self-awareness (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).

4. Maintain Consistent Boundaries

Empathy and accountability should exist together.

Parents can communicate:

“It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to yell at people.”

Or:

“It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s not okay to punch a wall.”

Children need to know that emotions are always acceptable, but certain behaviors are not.

5. Prioritize Physical Activity

Physical activity has consistently been shown to reduce stress, improve mood regulation, and decrease emotional reactivity among adolescents (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2024).

Encourage activities such as:

  • Basketball
  • Football
  • Hiking
  • Martial arts
  • Strength training
  • Biking
  • Running

Many boys process stress more effectively through movement than through conversation alone.

6. Protect Sleep

Sleep deprivation can significantly worsen irritability, impulsivity, and emotional regulation difficulties.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends that children aged 6 to 12 receive 9 to 12 hours of sleep per night (Paruthi et al., 2016).

Parents can help by:

  • Limiting electronics before bed
  • Establishing consistent bedtime routines
  • Keeping devices out of bedrooms overnight
  • Maintaining regular sleep schedules

7. Keep Communication Open

Many parents become discouraged when their son gives one-word answers.

Don’t give up.

Instead of asking:

“How was school?”

Try:

“What was the best part of your day?”

Or:

“What was the most annoying thing that happened today?”

Questions that invite discussion often receive better responses.

8. Model Healthy Anger Management

Children learn more from what parents do than from what parents say.

Demonstrate healthy coping strategies:

  • Taking a walk
  • Deep breathing
  • Talking through problems
  • Taking a break before responding
  • Using respectful communication

Your child is constantly learning how to handle big emotions by watching you.

The Importance of Connection

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is assuming that angry behavior means their child no longer needs them. In reality, adolescence is a time of increased independence and increased need for parental support.

A 12-year-old boy may push a parent away verbally while desperately needing reassurance, structure, understanding, and connection.

The goal is not to eliminate anger. Anger is a normal human emotion. The goal is to help children develop the skills necessary to express anger safely, understand its causes, and respond constructively.

With patience, consistency, and support, most boys learn to navigate these difficult years successfully. Parents who remain calm, connected, and emotionally available provide one of the strongest protective factors against future behavioral and emotional difficulties.

Final Thoughts for Parents

If your son is struggling with anger during puberty, remember this: his behavior is communication. Behind the slammed door, the argumentative tone, or the emotional outburst is often a young person trying to make sense of a rapidly changing body, brain, and world.

Meet the emotion before correcting the behavior. Listen before lecturing. Stay connected even when it feels difficult.

The relationship you build during these years can become the foundation that guides your son safely into adulthood.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. With extensive experience in behavioral health, trauma-informed care, child and adolescent mental health, family systems, and organizational leadership, Mr. Collier has dedicated his career to helping children, adolescents, adults, and families navigate life’s challenges while building healthier and more resilient communities.

Throughout his clinical career, Mr. Collier has worked with children and adolescents experiencing emotional and behavioral difficulties, including anxiety, depression, trauma-related disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), oppositional behaviors, anger management concerns, and family relationship challenges. His approach emphasizes understanding the underlying causes of behavior rather than focusing solely on symptoms, helping families develop practical strategies that strengthen communication, emotional regulation, and healthy relationships.

As a clinical supervisor, educator, and advocate for quality behavioral healthcare, Mr. Collier is committed to translating complex psychological and developmental concepts into practical guidance that parents and caregivers can readily understand and implement. His work reflects a belief that informed, supported, and empowered families play a critical role in promoting positive outcomes for children and adolescents.

In addition to his clinical practice and leadership responsibilities, Mr. Collier is the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he regularly writes about mental health, personal growth, resilience, grief, family relationships, child development, and behavioral health topics. His writing combines evidence-based research with real-world clinical experience to provide readers with meaningful insights and actionable strategies.

Through his work, Mr. Collier continues to advocate for compassionate, person-centered care while helping individuals and families build the skills necessary to thrive through life’s challenges and transitions.

“Every behavior tells a story. When we seek to understand the story behind the behavior, we create opportunities for healing, growth, and connection.”
— John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

References

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2024). Anger and children. Retrieved from https://www.aacap.org

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2024). HealthyChildren.org: Understanding puberty and adolescent development. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Physical activity guidelines for children and adolescents. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov

National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). The teen brain: Still under construction. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov

Paruthi, S., Brooks, L. J., D’Ambrosio, C., Hall, W. A., Kotagal, S., Lloyd, R. M., … Wise, M. S. (2016). Recommended amount of sleep for pediatric populations: A consensus statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785-786.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of opportunity: Lessons from the new science of adolescence. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

🇺🇸 In Honor and Remembrance of September 11 🇺🇸

Sabrina Henson and Kellyjo Falkowski, two members of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health team in London, Kentucky, had the honor of visiting several local first responder offices on this important day of remembrance.

September 11 is a day to remember the innocent lives lost, honor the heroes who made the ultimate sacrifice, and recognize the courage and selflessness of first responders everywhere. We wanted to personally thank some of the brave men and women who serve and protect our local community each day.

Although we wish we could do more to express our appreciation, we were honored to provide them with fresh donuts as a small token of our gratitude.

To all first responders: Thank you for answering the call, running toward danger, and faithfully serving others. We see you, we appreciate you, and we are forever grateful for your service—not only today, but every day. A big Thank You to our amazing boss and supportive leader John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW S for making this day possible.

We will never forget. ❤️🤍💙

September11 #NeverForget #HonorTheFallen #FirstResponderAppreciation #CommunityStrong #SEKYBH

The Mercy of Open Hands: Book 3 of 5 in the Expressions Behind His Silence series released.

From author and licensed clinical social worker John S. Collier comes a powerful new series of books exploring love, loss, faith, emotional healing, and personal growth. With honesty shaped by both professional experience and a life marked by hardship, perseverance, and grace, Collier invites readers to examine the hidden places of the heart. Each book blends practical wisdom with vivid metaphor, offering encouragement to those learning to release the past, rebuild their identity, establish healthier relationships, and trust God through uncertain seasons. This is more than a collection of books—it is a journey from merely surviving life’s storms to discovering the strength, purpose, and peace needed to live fully again.

https://a.co/d/0gTmck1t

Expressions from Behind His Silence: Valume 3: Thwe Mercy of Open Hands

Some endings do not arrive with anger. They arrive with open hands.

The Mercy of Open Hands, Volume Three of the Expressions from Behind His Silence series, follows a man through heartbreak, acceptance, forgiveness, and the difficult grace of release.

Through intimate, reflective poetry, John S. Collier explores what it means to love someone without possessing them, to carry grief without becoming bitter, and to let go without denying that the love was real.

These poems speak to the moment when holding on begins to wound more than losing—and to the quiet courage required to choose peace.

This collection is for anyone learning that surrender is not weakness, forgiveness does not erase the past, and sometimes the most loving thing the heart can do is open its hands.

What Is True Narcissism? Understanding a Term That Society Uses Too Freely

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

Few psychological terms have become as overused in modern society as the word narcissist. Spend a few minutes scrolling through social media, and you are likely to encounter countless videos, articles, and self-proclaimed experts explaining how to identify the narcissists in your life. An ex-spouse is labeled a narcissist. A demanding boss is called a narcissist. A parent who disappointed their child is suddenly a narcissist. Even someone who posts too many selfies may find themselves carrying the label.

The question that deserves attention is simple: What is true narcissism? More importantly, why are we so quick to apply the label to people whose behavior we dislike, misunderstand, or disagree with?

The answer is more complex than most people realize.

The Difference Between Narcissistic Traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The first thing we must understand is that narcissism exists on a spectrum. Most people possess at least some narcissistic traits. Healthy self-esteem involves recognizing our strengths, taking pride in our accomplishments, and believing that we are worthy of love and respect. In fact, without a certain degree of self-focus, people would struggle to advocate for themselves, pursue goals, or maintain personal boundaries.

Having confidence does not make someone a narcissist.

Wanting recognition for hard work does not make someone a narcissist.

Feeling hurt when criticized does not make someone a narcissist.

True narcissism becomes problematic when an individual’s need for admiration, validation, and control consistently outweighs their ability to empathize with others. Narcissistic traits become a disorder only when they are rigid, deeply ingrained, and cause significant impairment in relationships, work, and daily functioning.

Many people demonstrate narcissistic behaviors occasionally. Very few meet the clinical criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a recognized mental health condition described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Individuals with NPD typically exhibit a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins in early adulthood and is present across many areas of life.

Some common characteristics include:

An exaggerated sense of self-importance

Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty

A belief that they are special or unique

A need for excessive admiration

A sense of entitlement

Exploitative behavior toward others

Difficulty recognizing or caring about others’ feelings

Envy of others or belief that others envy them

Arrogant or haughty attitudes and behaviors

What is important to understand is that these characteristics are not occasional. They are persistent patterns that influence nearly every significant relationship and interaction.

A person may act selfishly during a stressful period. Another person may struggle to apologize when they feel threatened. Those behaviors alone do not indicate a personality disorder.

Why We Are Labeling Everyone a Narcissist

Human beings naturally search for explanations when relationships become painful. When someone hurts us, disappoints us, or behaves in a way we cannot understand, assigning a label can provide a sense of closure.

The term narcissist often becomes a convenient explanation for complex human behavior.

Instead of saying:

“My partner struggles with accountability.”

“My coworker has poor interpersonal skills.”

“My parent was emotionally unavailable.”

“My friend tends to make everything about themselves.”

We simply say:

“They’re a narcissist.”

The label offers certainty. Unfortunately, certainty is not always accuracy.

The reality is that people can be selfish without being narcissistic. They can be immature without having a personality disorder. They can make harmful decisions without being clinically narcissistic.

Sometimes people act from fear, insecurity, trauma, poor emotional intelligence, or unresolved pain. These explanations may not excuse harmful behavior, but they often provide a more accurate understanding of what is occurring.

The Hidden Insecurity Behind Narcissism

One of the greatest misconceptions about narcissism is that narcissists have extremely high self-esteem. In reality, many individuals with significant narcissistic traits possess surprisingly fragile self-esteem beneath the surface.

The confidence they display is often more like armor than genuine self-worth.

Because their self-image is so vulnerable, they become highly sensitive to criticism, rejection, or perceived disrespect. They may respond with anger, defensiveness, blame, or attempts to regain control.

The grandiosity frequently seen in narcissism is not always evidence of strength. Sometimes it represents an effort to protect deep feelings of inadequacy.

This does not excuse harmful behavior. However, it helps us understand that narcissism is often rooted in emotional wounds rather than genuine superiority.

The Danger of Misusing Mental Health Labels

As mental health awareness has increased, so has the misuse of mental health terminology.

People now casually use terms such as:

Narcissist

Bipolar

OCD

Trauma

Gaslighting

Triggered

While increased awareness can be positive, there is also a danger in reducing complex conditions to everyday insults or buzzwords.

When we inaccurately label others, several problems emerge:

First, we may overlook the true causes of their behavior.

Second, we can contribute to stigma surrounding legitimate mental health conditions.

Third, we may avoid examining our own role in difficult relationships.

Sometimes the healthiest question is not, “Is this person a narcissist?” but rather, “Is this relationship healthy for me?”

The answer to the second question is often far more useful.

Moving Toward Understanding Instead of Labeling

The desire to understand human behavior is natural. However, understanding requires curiosity rather than assumptions.

Instead of immediately diagnosing people from a distance, we might ask:

What motivates this behavior?

What insecurities could be influencing this person?

Is this an ongoing pattern or an isolated incident?

How does this relationship affect my well-being?

What boundaries do I need to establish?

These questions encourage reflection rather than judgment.

The goal should never be to excuse harmful behavior. Rather, it should be to understand it accurately.

Final Thoughts

True narcissism is much more than selfishness, arrogance, confidence, or a difficult personality. It is a complex pattern of thinking, feeling, and relating to others that extends far beyond the occasional flaws that all human beings possess.

In a world increasingly focused on labels, perhaps we should spend less time trying to diagnose the people around us and more time seeking to understand them.

Not everyone who hurts us is a narcissist.

Not everyone who disagrees with us is toxic.

Not everyone who struggles with empathy has a personality disorder.

Sometimes people are simply imperfect human beings doing the best they can with the emotional tools they have developed throughout their lives.

The challenge for all of us is learning the difference.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, behavioral health executive, and advocate for mental health awareness and community well-being. As the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, he has dedicated his career to helping individuals, families, and communities navigate life’s challenges through evidence-based mental health services, compassionate care, and practical solutions.

With extensive experience in clinical social work, behavioral health administration, crisis intervention, community mental health, and leadership development, Mr. Collier brings a unique perspective that bridges both clinical knowledge and real-world application. His work has focused on empowering individuals to improve their emotional health, strengthen relationships, develop resilience, and achieve meaningful personal growth.

In addition to his clinical and administrative roles, Mr. Collier is passionate about educating the public on mental health topics, reducing stigma, and helping people better understand the complexities of human behavior. Through his writing, he seeks to translate psychological concepts into practical, accessible information that readers can apply in their everyday lives.

His articles explore a wide range of subjects, including mental health, human behavior, grief and loss, relationships, emotional wellness, resilience, trauma, personal development, and the impact of social and cultural trends on psychological well-being.

Mr. Collier believes that greater understanding leads to greater compassion and that meaningful change begins when individuals are willing to look beyond labels, assumptions, and judgment to better understand themselves and others.

“The goal is not simply to explain behavior, but to promote understanding, encourage growth, and inspire healthier relationships with ourselves and those around us.”
– John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., text rev.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Cain, N. M., Pincus, A. L., & Ansell, E. B. (2008). Narcissism at the crossroads: Phenotypic description of pathological narcissism across clinical theory, social/personality psychology, and psychiatric diagnosis. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(4), 638-656.

Miller, J. D., Campbell, W. K., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2007). Narcissistic personality disorder: Relations with distress and functional impairment. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 48(2), 170-177.

Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421-446.