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Love Them Because They Are Worth Loving

Why Building Love Primarily on How Someone Makes You Feel Can Be Dangerous

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There is a phrase we hear often when people talk about falling in love:

“I love the way you make me feel.”

It sounds beautiful.

And there is nothing wrong with feeling good around the person you love. We should hope our relationships bring happiness, comfort, affection, peace, laughter, attraction, safety, and belonging.

But there is a danger hidden inside those words when they become the reason we love someone.

Because feelings change.

People change.

Life changes.

And if I love you primarily because of what loving you does for me, what happens when you can no longer make me feel that way?

Maybe real love has to begin somewhere deeper.

Maybe I should not love you simply because you make me feel loved.

Maybe I should love you because you are worth loving.

Because you deserve to be loved.

And because, when the feelings rise and fall as feelings inevitably do, I still choose to love you.

“Love that depends entirely upon a feeling is in danger whenever the feeling changes.”

Feelings Are Powerful, but They Are Not Permanent

Our feelings are real, but they are also remarkably fluid.

A single conversation can change our mood. Stress can change it. Exhaustion can change it. Grief can change it. Financial pressure, parenting problems, illness, work, disappointment, aging, anxiety, and depression can all influence what we feel.

Romantic love itself has biological and psychological components. Research discussed by the American Psychological Association describes how early romantic love engages reward and motivational systems within the brain. That helps explain something many of us already know from experience.

Falling in love can feel incredible.

But a lifelong relationship cannot depend upon continually recreating the emotional intensity of falling in love.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s well-known triangular theory describes love through three components: intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. Notice that last word:

Commitment.

There is emotion in love.

There is attraction in love.

There is intimacy in love.

But there is also decision.

That distinction matters.

The Problem With “I Love How You Make Me Feel”

There is a subtle difference between saying:

“I love you, and being loved by you makes me happy.”

and saying:

“I love you because you make me happy.”

Those statements may sound almost identical, but they can represent very different foundations.

In the first, happiness is a fruit of the relationship.

In the second, happiness can become a condition of the relationship.

If your primary value to me is your ability to make me feel good about myself, secure, wanted, important, admired, attractive, understood, or happy, I may gradually stop seeing you and begin seeing what you provide for me.

Without realizing it, love can become transactional:

You give me this feeling, and in return, I give you my love.

That is a dangerous bargain because neither person can maintain it forever.

No Person Can Carry the Responsibility for Your Happiness

There will be seasons when the person you love simply does not have much left to give.

They may be grieving.

They may become sick.

They may lose a parent.

They may struggle emotionally.

They may have problems at work.

They may become overwhelmed by raising children.

They may become frightened, tired, discouraged, irritable, or quiet.

They may need you far more than they are capable of giving to you.

And there is an important question hidden inside those difficult seasons:

Can I continue loving you when you are temporarily unable to make me feel the way you once did?

That may be one of the tests separating love as an emotion from love as a commitment.

If my love depends on what you supply emotionally, then your difficult season becomes my relationship crisis.

Instead of asking,

“What does the person I love need from me?”

I begin asking,

“Why aren’t you making me happy anymore?”

Those are completely different questions.

When Love Becomes About Me

There is a paradox here.

We can become very focused on another person while actually being preoccupied with ourselves.

I need your attention.

I need your reassurance.

I need you to respond a certain way.

I need you to make me feel important.

I need you to make me feel secure.

I need you to demonstrate that you love me.

There is nothing wrong with having relational needs. Healthy relationships require reciprocity, communication, respect, affection, trust, and appropriate boundaries.

The danger comes when another human being becomes responsible for constantly regulating our sense of worth.

At that point, we may not be asking:

“Who are you?”

We may really be asking:

“Who am I when I am reflected in your eyes?”

And those questions are worlds apart.

Love the Person, Not Just the Experience of the Person

There is something I think we should ask ourselves occasionally:

If this person stopped making me feel extraordinary, would I still believe they were extraordinary?

That question can be uncomfortable.

But it gets to the heart of mature love.

The person you love is more than an experience you are having.

They are a whole human being.

They have hopes you did not create.

Fears you did not cause.

Dreams that existed before you.

Wounds you may never completely understand.

Weaknesses.

Strengths.

Insecurities.

Failures.

Convictions.

Responsibilities.

And a life that possesses value apart from what it contributes to yours.

Research on motivations for romantic relationships also suggests that people enter relationships for different reasons, including love and care, family and children, status and resources, and other motivations. Those motivations are associated with people’s broader values and the qualities they seek in partners. So it is worth examining not simply whom we love, but why we love them.

“You Make Me Happy” Is a Gift, Not a Job Description

I hope the person you love makes you happy.

But happiness should be received as a gift rather than imposed as a job description.

Think about the difference.

Gift:

“Your presence brings happiness into my life, and I am grateful for it.”

Demand:

“Your responsibility is to keep me happy, and something is wrong with you whenever you don’t.”

The first produces gratitude.

The second can produce resentment.

The person you love should not have to wake every morning wondering whether they are successfully maintaining your emotional state.

That burden eventually becomes exhausting.

Feelings Are Weather. Commitment Is the House.

Feelings remind me of weather.

Some mornings are warm and clear.

Some evenings bring storms.

Occasionally the wind howls against the windows.

Sometimes rain seems to last for days.

But we don’t tear down the house every time the weather changes.

We build something capable of standing through changing weather.

Relationships need that kind of architecture.

Attraction may help bring two people together.

Emotion may deepen their connection.

Shared experiences may strengthen their bond.

But eventually love has to become something capable of surviving a rainy season.

Feelings are weather. Commitment is the house we build so love has somewhere to live when the storm comes.

Love Is Not Blind

Choosing love does not mean tolerating cruelty, abuse, manipulation, chronic betrayal, coercion, or dangerous behavior.

Commitment should never be used as justification for remaining unsafe.

Healthy love includes boundaries.

Healthy love can say no.

Healthy love can confront harmful behavior.

Healthy love can require change.

And sometimes loving someone does not mean continuing a particular relationship.

The idea that love involves choice should never become an excuse for mistreatment.

Choosing love means recognizing another person’s humanity and worth. It does not require abandoning your own.

There Will Be Days When Love Feels Different

Long relationships inevitably have ordinary days.

Nobody writes songs about Tuesday evening when both people are exhausted, the kitchen needs cleaning, someone forgot to pay a bill, and neither person has much interesting to say.

But those moments matter.

Because much of love is lived there.

Not on anniversaries.

Not during vacations.

Not inside perfect photographs.

But in kitchens.

Hospital rooms.

Cars.

Waiting rooms.

Grocery stores.

School parking lots.

Funerals.

Bad mornings.

Long nights.

And thousands of completely ordinary Tuesdays.

The intensity of emotion may change over time. Sternberg’s framework is useful precisely because love is not reduced to passion alone. Intimacy and commitment are distinct parts of the larger relationship. Sometimes love feels like fireworks.

Sometimes love feels like sitting beside someone who has nothing left to say and quietly letting them know:

You don’t have to entertain me.

You don’t have to impress me.

You don’t have to make me feel anything right now.

I’m still here.

The Question Changes

Immature love often asks:

“What am I getting from you?”

Mature love increasingly learns to ask:

“What can I give to this relationship without losing myself in the process?”

That doesn’t mean becoming a martyr.

It means learning reciprocity rather than keeping score.

There will be times when I carry more.

There will be times when you carry more.

And perhaps there will be moments when neither of us feels particularly strong, so we simply carry what we can together.

Love Is Also a Choice

This may be one of the least romantic sounding things we can say about love, yet I believe it is one of the most beautiful:

Sometimes love is a decision.

Sternberg’s theory explicitly incorporates decision and commitment as part of love. That does not make love cold.

It makes love dependable.

“I choose you” may ultimately mean more than “I feel something for you.”

Because feelings happen to us.

Choices require something from us.

There are mornings when you wake up feeling deeply connected to the person beside you.

There may be other mornings when frustration or hurt is sitting between you.

The question then becomes:

What will I do with the love I promised when love doesn’t feel effortless?

Love Someone Because They Are Worth Loving

Perhaps we need to change some of our language.

Instead of:

“I love you because you make me feel special.”

Try:

“I love you, and I am grateful that you make me feel special.”

Instead of:

“I love you because you make me happy.”

Try:

“I love you, and sharing my life with you brings me happiness.”

Instead of:

“I love you because of what you do for me.”

Try:

“I love who you are, not merely what you provide for me.”

Then perhaps arrive at something even deeper:

“I love you because I have come to know you. I see something worthy in you. I respect the human being you are. And I choose to participate in loving you.”

That kind of love has roots.

Love Them When They Cannot Perform for You

One day the person you love may not look the way they once did.

Neither will you.

Their body may change.

Their health may change.

Their career may change.

Their confidence may disappear for a while.

Perhaps their laughter will become harder to find.

Perhaps life will humble them.

And you might be given the extraordinary responsibility of loving someone during a season when they do not even feel very lovable themselves.

That is when love may become less glamorous but more meaningful.

Because then you are no longer saying:

“I love what I experience when I am with you.”

You are saying:

“I love you.”

Period.

And Let Them Love You the Same Way

There is another side to this.

You deserve a love that does not require you to perform happiness for someone else.

You should be able to have a bad day.

To grieve.

To struggle.

To get something wrong.

To need reassurance.

To grow.

To age.

To change.

To become tired.

To occasionally have very little to give.

Healthy relationships still require responsibility, repair, communication, and mutual effort. Love is not permission to stop caring for the relationship.

But you should not have to constantly prove your value by producing a particular emotional experience for somebody else.

You are not an emotional vending machine.

Neither is the person you love.

Conclusion: I Choose to Love You

Maybe love begins with a feeling.

A glance.

A conversation.

A smile.

Something inexplicable that draws two lives toward one another.

There is nothing wrong with that.

But if love becomes mature, eventually it must become more than what I feel when you walk into the room.

Because feelings rise.

Feelings fall.

Bodies change.

Circumstances change.

People disappoint each other.

Life interrupts our plans.

Storms arrive.

And eventually every relationship encounters a moment when feelings alone are not enough.

That is when love gets the opportunity to become something deeper.

I don’t want to love you merely because you make me feel important.

I want to recognize that you are important.

I don’t want to love you only because you make me feel worthy.

I want to remember that you have worth of your own.

I don’t want my love to disappear simply because life becomes difficult and the emotional reward feels smaller for a season.

I want to love you because I have looked carefully at the human being standing before me and decided:

You are worth loving.

You deserve love.

And today, I choose to love you.

Tomorrow, I want to make that choice again.

And the next day, again.

Perhaps that is one of the quiet secrets of lasting love.

It isn’t one enormous choice made at an altar, on an anniversary, or during some perfect moment.

It is thousands of ordinary choices.

I see you.

I value you.

I respect you.

I will not make you responsible for every emotion inside me.

And even when love feels different than it did yesterday, I will remember why I chose to love you in the first place.

The deepest love may not be, “I love you because of how you make me feel.” It may be, “I know who you are, I believe you are worth loving, and I choose to love you.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has given him the opportunity to work with individuals and families facing trauma, mental health challenges, relationship difficulties, major life transitions, and the everyday struggles that shape human growth.

John writes The Mind’s Trestle Board as a place to explore the intersection of mental health, relationships, personal responsibility, faith, morality, fatherhood, emotional development, and the lifelong work of becoming a better human being.

His writing is grounded in the belief that growth does not require perfection. It requires honesty, humility, reflection, responsibility, and a willingness to keep working on ourselves. Through both his professional experience and personal reflections, he encourages readers to look beneath their immediate emotions and consider the values, choices, commitments, and relationships upon which a meaningful life is built.

References

American Psychological Association. (2023). What happens in your brain when you’re in love? The article discusses neuroscience research concerning romantic love, motivation, and the brain’s reward systems. Myers, E. /
Simply Psychology. (2026). Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. Overview of Robert Sternberg’s model of intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment.
Psych Central. The psychology of love: Theories and facts. Overview of psychological perspectives on love, attachment, and Sternberg’s triangular theory.
Tartakovsky, E. (2023). The psychology of romantic relationships: motivations and mate preferences. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1273607. The study examined romantic motivations, personal values, and partner preferences among 1,121 young adults.
PsyPost. (2024). The psychology of love: 10 groundbreaking insights into the science of relationships. Discussion of research concerning relationship quality and psychological well-being.

There Should Be No One You Side With Against Your Spouse

Marriage, Loyalty, Boundaries, and the Difference Between Protecting Your Spouse and Blindly Defending Them

Marriage does not require you to believe your spouse is always right. It does require something deeper: your spouse should never have to wonder whether you and someone outside the marriage have formed an alliance against them.

Parents matter. Children matter. Brothers and sisters matter. Friends matter.

But marriage creates a relationship that is different from all of them.

When two people choose marriage, they are saying, in effect, We are going to build a life together. When trouble comes, we will face it from the same side of the table.

That does not mean covering up wrongdoing. It does not mean tolerating abuse. It does not mean agreeing with every decision your spouse makes.

It means that disagreements should be handled within the marriage rather than by recruiting outsiders to fight against the person you married.

You may disagree with your spouse without becoming their enemy.

That distinction can determine whether a marriage becomes stronger through conflict or slowly fractures beneath it.

Your Spouse Is Supposed to Be Your Teammate

One of the most important shifts in marriage is moving from an individual mindset toward a shared identity.

Before marriage, your parents, siblings, or close friends may have been the people you automatically turned toward when something went wrong. Marriage changes that structure.

The field of family psychology recognizes that intimate relationships exist within larger family and social systems. Couple relationships are affected by family influences, individual differences, developmental changes, and broader social relationships. This means healthy marriage does not require abandoning the people you love.

It requires establishing appropriate boundaries around the marriage.

The Gottman Institute explains that healthy boundaries identify what we will and will not tolerate and help protect well-being within relationships. Boundaries are not primarily about controlling someone else’s behavior. They involve deciding how we ourselves will respond. That distinction is important.

Marriage should not say:

“Nobody else matters anymore.”

It should say:

“Other people matter, but they do not get to divide us.”

The Dangerous Triangle

Imagine a husband and wife have an argument.

The husband calls his mother.

He tells her everything his wife said, perhaps emphasizing her worst words and minimizing his own.

His mother becomes angry with his wife.

He feels validated.

Later, the husband and wife reconcile.

There is only one problem.

His mother didn’t reconcile with his wife.

She remembers everything.

Or reverse the roles.

A wife becomes angry with her husband and immediately begins texting a friend.

“You won’t believe what he did.”

The friend confirms what the wife already believes.

“He’s wrong.”

“I wouldn’t tolerate that.”

“You deserve better.”

Now the original marital problem has changed.

It is no longer simply:

Husband and wife versus a problem.

It has become:

Husband versus wife and friend.

Or:

Wife versus husband and family.

That difference matters.

When “Getting Advice” Becomes Building an Alliance

Seeking wise counsel is not wrong.

Sometimes it is necessary.

A trusted minister, therapist, mentor, family member, or mature friend may help us recognize something we cannot see ourselves.

The question is not simply:

“Did I talk to someone?”

The better question is:

“Why did I talk to them?”

Was I seeking wisdom?

Or was I gathering ammunition?

Was I genuinely asking:

“Help me understand my spouse’s perspective.”

Or was I really asking:

“Tell me I’m right and my spouse is wrong.”

Those are completely different conversations.

Healthy counsel should move us toward honesty, accountability, safety, and constructive communication, not deeper into resentment.

What Loyalty Does Not Mean

This deserves emphasis.

Loyalty is not blindness.

Your spouse can be wrong.

You can tell them so.

You can establish boundaries.

You can refuse to participate in destructive behavior.

You can seek professional guidance.

And situations involving abuse, threats, coercion, serious addiction, criminal behavior, or immediate danger require a different response. Protecting yourself or another person from harm is not betraying a marriage.

Healthy boundaries help people identify what is acceptable and respond when those limits are crossed. The Gottman Institute specifically distinguishes boundaries from attempts to control another person’s behavior and describes boundaries as important to healthy relationships and personal well-being. So saying:

“Never side against your spouse”

should not mean:

“Defend your spouse no matter what they do.”

I believe a healthier principle is:

Never allow another person to turn you and your spouse into opposing teams.

You can tell your spouse:

“I love you, but I believe you were wrong.”

That is different from telling someone else:

“You’re right about my spouse. Let’s confront them together.”

One is accountability inside a relationship.

The other can become an alliance against it.

Parents Should Not Be Placed Above the Marriage

This can be one of the hardest transitions for married adults.

A person can deeply love and honor their parents while recognizing that marriage establishes a new primary partnership.

Problems arise when a parent continues to carry veto power over marital decisions.

Maybe your mother thinks your spouse spends money incorrectly.

Maybe your father thinks your spouse is raising the children incorrectly.

Maybe your family criticizes where you live, how you spend holidays, whose family you visit, or how you handle your household.

You can listen respectfully.

But eventually you must be capable of saying:

“I love you, but this is something my spouse and I must decide together.”

Healthy boundaries do not require hostility toward family. In fact, boundaries can preserve relationships by making expectations clearer. The Gottman Institute describes boundaries as limits that help people protect what works for them while recognizing that they cannot control what other people say or do. Sometimes loving your parents means having the courage to disappoint them.

Your Friends Should Not Become a Jury

Friendship can be invaluable during difficult times.

But friends hear the version of your marriage you give them.

If every time you become angry you tell your friends everything your spouse has done wrong, you may unknowingly create a jury that hears only the prosecution.

Then months later you forgive your spouse.

Your friends may not.

You remember the apology.

They remember the story.

You remember the reconciliation.

They remember watching you cry.

You remember your spouse’s growth.

They remember your description of your spouse at their worst.

Be careful about giving people permanent pictures of the person you love based on temporary moments in your marriage.

There is a difference between seeking support and building a case.

Do Not Embarrass Your Spouse to Win an Argument

There is another form of siding against your spouse that happens publicly.

You are with friends or family.

Your spouse says something.

Someone criticizes them.

And you join in.

Everyone laughs.

Perhaps you say:

“I’ve been telling her that forever.”

Or:

“You should try living with him.”

Everyone laughs again.

Except your spouse.

Sometimes these comments are dismissed as jokes.

But repeated public humiliation can communicate something painful:

“When other people are here, I am willing to sacrifice your dignity for their approval.”

Marriage should be one of the places where people’s vulnerabilities are safest.

A spouse should not constantly fear becoming the punchline when friends or relatives arrive.

Correct Privately Whenever Possible

There will be times when your spouse is wrong in front of other people.

You do not have to pretend otherwise.

But unless immediate intervention is necessary, many disagreements can wait.

You can say:

“Let’s talk about this when we get home.”

Then actually talk about it.

Privately you may say:

“I love you, but I think you handled that badly.”

That is not betrayal.

That is honest marriage.

Loyalty and accountability can live in the same house.

In fact, they should.

The Goal Is Not “You Versus Me”

Healthy marital conflict should eventually become:

Us versus the problem.

Not:

Me versus you.

And certainly not:

Me and my mother versus you.

Me and my best friend versus you.

Me and the children versus you.

Me and your family versus you.

When outsiders become soldiers in marital disagreements, everybody can lose.

The marriage becomes a battlefield instead of a partnership.

Children Should Not Be Recruited Either

This principle becomes even more important when children are involved.

A child should not become a messenger, spy, referee, counselor, or emotional ally in an adult marital dispute.

Statements such as:

“You know how your mother is.”

or

“Your father only thinks about himself.”

invite children into adult conflict.

Whatever frustration exists between spouses should, whenever safely possible, remain an adult responsibility.

Children should be free to love both parents without feeling that loving one means betraying the other.

Family Systems Matter

Family psychology does not view marriages in isolation. Couple relationships exist inside broader systems involving parents, children, extended relatives, culture, developmental history, and social relationships. American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology specifically describes family psychology as incorporating systems, developmental, cultural, and relationship perspectives. Research has also examined Bowen’s concepts of differentiation and individuation in married couples, including emotional reactivity involving parents. That helps explain why these conflicts can feel so powerful.

You can be 45 years old and suddenly feel 15 again when your parent disapproves of you.

You can love your spouse while still desperately wanting your family’s approval.

Maturity does not require cutting your family off.

It requires learning how to remain connected to people without allowing those relationships to control your marriage.

Before You Tell Someone About Your Spouse, Ask Yourself Five Questions

1. Am I seeking wisdom or validation?

Do I genuinely want guidance, or do I want someone to tell me I’m right?

2. Would I say this if my spouse were sitting beside me?

If not, consider why.

3. Will telling this person help repair my marriage?

Or will it simply make another person dislike my spouse?

4. Am I telling the whole story?

Have I included my own mistakes?

5. Is this person for our marriage?

Good advisers do not automatically take your side.

Sometimes the best friend says:

“I understand you’re angry, but you need to go home and talk to your spouse.”

That is friendship.

A Good Friend Protects the Marriage Too

Perhaps we also need to rethink what friendship looks like when someone comes to us complaining about their spouse.

Instead of immediately agreeing with them, perhaps we should ask:

“Have you talked to your spouse about this?”

“What do you think your spouse would say happened?”

“Is there something you could have done differently?”

“Do you want me to listen, or do you honestly want my opinion?”

Sometimes loyalty to a friend means refusing to help them destroy something important in a moment of anger.

Your Spouse Should Not Have to Compete for Your Loyalty

There are few feelings more painful in marriage than believing everyone else’s voice carries more weight than yours.

Your spouse should not have to defeat your mother, father, brother, sister, best friend, adult child, coworker, or social circle just to feel heard by you.

That does not mean your spouse always wins.

It means the marriage gets its own room to work things out.

When there is disagreement, talk.

When there is hurt, address it.

When there is confusion, ask questions.

When there is resentment, speak before the resentment becomes contempt.

When you need help, seek wise and trustworthy counsel.

But do not turn the people around you into an army against the person beside you.

Marriage Is Choosing “Us” Again and Again

The deepest promises of marriage are rarely lived out during weddings.

They are lived out afterward.

They happen around kitchen tables.

In hospital rooms.

During arguments.

During financial trouble.

When families disagree.

When children are struggling.

When somebody hurts somebody.

When pride whispers:

“Make them pay.”

When your friend says:

“You’re completely right.”

When your family says:

“We told you so.”

Those are the moments when marriage asks a harder question:

Are we still a team?

Sometimes the answer sounds like:

“I think you’re wrong, but I’m going to talk to you about it, not everybody else.”

Sometimes it sounds like:

“Mom, I love you, but this is between my spouse and me.”

Sometimes:

“Please don’t speak about my husband that way.”

Or:

“Please don’t disrespect my wife.”

And sometimes it is simply:

“Let’s go home and figure this out together.”

The strongest marriages are not marriages without disagreement. They are marriages where disagreement does not automatically destroy loyalty.

Conclusion

Your spouse does not need you to believe they are perfect.

They need to know you are committed.

There should not be a family member, friend, coworker, or acquaintance with whom you regularly form an alliance against your spouse.

That does not prevent accountability.

It makes healthy accountability possible.

Love says:

“I will tell you the truth.”

Loyalty says:

“I will protect what we have.”

Maturity says:

“I can disagree with you without humiliating you.”

Wisdom says:

“We may need help, but I will seek help that moves us toward health rather than deeper division.”

And marriage says:

“When problems come, I want us standing shoulder to shoulder looking at the problem, rather than standing across the room looking at each other as the enemy.”

Family will have opinions.

Friends will have opinions.

The world will have opinions.

Listen when wisdom is present.

Accept correction when correction is deserved.

Protect yourself when safety requires it.

But never forget the person with whom you decided to build your life.

You do not have to agree on everything to remain on the same team.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His professional career in social work and behavioral health has included years of working with individuals and families navigating trauma, relationships, emotional struggles, behavioral challenges, personal growth, and major life transitions.

John is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he writes about mental health, relationships, marriage, family, morality, faith, personal responsibility, and the difficult work of becoming a better version of ourselves. His writing often explores the place where professional understanding meets the realities of everyday life.

At the center of his work is a simple belief: growth does not require perfection. It requires honesty, humility, accountability, compassion, and the willingness to keep working on ourselves.

References

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Journal of Family Psychology. American Psychological Association.

Gottman Institute. (2022). The truth about boundaries. The Gottman Institute.

Gottman Institute. (2024). Setting boundaries with others. The Gottman Institute.

Gottman Institute. (2025). The Gottman guide to setting and enforcing boundaries.

Skowron, E. A., Stanley, K. L., & Shapiro, M. D. (2009). A longitudinal perspective on differentiation of self, interpersonal and psychological well-being in young adulthood. Contemporary Family Therapy, 31, 3–18.

Related research literature on differentiation and married couples is indexed through Springer.

Standing Between Childhood and Adulthood: Understanding One of Life’s Most Important Life Stages

There comes a time in life when a young person is no longer a child but not yet an adult. It is a season filled with change, growth, questions, and self-discovery. This stage, known as adolescence, is one of the most important periods of human development.

During this time, young people begin to ask questions that will help shape the rest of their lives:

  • Who am I?
  • Where do I belong?
  • What do I believe?
  • What kind of person do I want to become?

Psychologists and developmental researchers have spent decades studying this stage of life. Although they approach it from different perspectives, most agree that adolescence is a critical period for developing identity, values, relationships, and independence.

A Bridge Between Two Worlds

Adolescence can be compared to standing on a bridge.

On one side is childhood, where parents make most decisions and provide protection and guidance. On the other side is adulthood, where people are expected to take responsibility for their choices and actions.

Young people spend years crossing that bridge.

As they do, they experience major changes in their bodies, emotions, relationships, and thinking. These changes can feel exciting one moment and overwhelming the next. Many adolescents want more freedom while still needing support and guidance from trusted adults.

This tension is normal. In fact, it is part of healthy development.

Erikson: The Search for Identity

Psychologist Erik Erikson believed the most important task during adolescence is developing a clear sense of identity. He called this stage Identity vs. Role Confusion. According to Erikson, young people begin exploring who they are and who they want to become. They may try new activities, develop different interests, form new friendships, or question beliefs they have always accepted.

This process is not rebellion for the sake of rebellion. It is often a search for identity.

When adolescents successfully develop a sense of who they are, they gain confidence and direction. When they struggle to find that identity, they may experience confusion about their place in the world.

Piaget: Learning to Think in New Ways

Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget focused on how thinking changes throughout life.

According to Piaget, adolescence marks the beginning of the Formal Operational Stage, where individuals become capable of abstract thought. This means they begin thinking about ideas rather than just facts. They can consider:

  • Justice and fairness
  • Morality
  • Politics
  • Faith and spirituality
  • Future careers
  • Life goals

A child may ask, “What happened?”

An adolescent is more likely to ask, “Why did it happen?” or “What should have happened instead?”

This new ability to think deeply helps adolescents understand the world, but it can also create stress as they become more aware of life’s challenges and uncertainties.

Kohlberg: Developing a Moral Compass

Psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg studied how people develop moral reasoning.

As children grow into adolescence, they often begin moving beyond simple ideas of right and wrong based on rewards and punishments. Instead, they begin considering values, fairness, and ethical principles.

For example, rather than asking, “Will I get in trouble?” an adolescent may ask:

  • Is this fair?
  • Is this the right thing to do?
  • How will this affect others?

This growing moral awareness helps young people form personal values that can guide them throughout adulthood.

Marcia: Exploring Different Identities

Psychologist James Marcia expanded on Erikson’s work by studying how people develop identity.

Marcia found that adolescents often move through different stages of exploration before settling on a stable identity.

Some follow beliefs and goals chosen by others. Some explore many possibilities before making decisions. Others struggle to decide who they want to be.

These periods of exploration are often necessary because identity is not something that appears overnight. It develops through experience, reflection, and personal growth.

Bronfenbrenner: The Power of Environment

Psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner believed development cannot be understood without looking at the environment around a person.

According to his ecological systems theory, adolescents are influenced by many different systems, including:

  • Family
  • Friends
  • School
  • Community
  • Culture
  • Society

Each of these environments shapes development in important ways.

A supportive family can provide stability during difficult times. Positive friendships can strengthen confidence and self-esteem. Good schools and mentors can help adolescents discover talents and future goals.

Bronfenbrenner’s theory reminds us that young people do not grow alone. They grow within relationships and communities.

Attachment Theory: The Need for Secure Relationships

Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed Attachment Theory, which emphasizes the importance of secure relationships.

Many people assume adolescents stop needing their parents as they get older. In reality, research shows that strong, supportive relationships continue to play a vital role in healthy development.

Even when adolescents seek independence, they still benefit from trusted adults who provide:

  • Encouragement
  • Stability
  • Guidance
  • Emotional support

Healthy attachment helps young people develop confidence, resilience, and healthy relationships later in life.

The Adolescent Brain

Modern neuroscience has added another important piece to our understanding of adolescence.

Research shows that the brain continues developing well beyond the teenage years. The areas of the brain responsible for judgment, planning, and impulse control mature more slowly than areas responsible for emotions and rewards.

This helps explain why adolescents can sometimes make decisions that seem irrational to adults.

It is not because they lack intelligence.

It is because their brains are still developing.

Understanding this can help parents, teachers, and mentors respond with patience rather than frustration.

Preparing for Adulthood

Developmental psychologist Jeffrey Arnett proposed that the process of becoming an adult often continues into the twenties. He called this stage Emerging Adulthood.

According to Arnett, many young people continue exploring:

  • Careers
  • Education
  • Relationships
  • Personal values
  • Life goals

The identity questions that begin during adolescence often continue well into early adulthood as individuals work toward becoming the people they hope to be.

More Than Growing Older

All of these developmental theories point to the same conclusion:

Adolescence is far more than a stage of physical growth.

It is a time when identity is formed, values are developed, beliefs are tested, and character begins to take shape.

Young people are learning how to think for themselves, make decisions, build relationships, and understand their place in the world.

They are not simply getting older.

They are becoming the adults they will one day be.

For parents, teachers, mentors, and communities, this stage provides a unique opportunity to offer guidance, encouragement, and positive examples. The lessons learned during these years often remain with people for the rest of their lives.

The bridge between childhood and adulthood can sometimes feel uncertain, but it is also filled with possibility. Every question explored, every challenge faced, and every lesson learned helps build the foundation for the future.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, behavioral health executive, writer, and advocate for individuals, families, and communities facing life’s challenges. He serves as the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, where he oversees behavioral health, substance use, developmental disability, and community support services throughout Kentucky.

John began his career in human services with a bachelor’s degree while serving in multiple roles within Kentucky’s public and community-based systems. In 2004, he became a Certified Social Worker and continued expanding his clinical expertise, eventually earning his Licensed Clinical Social Worker credential and Supervisor designation. Throughout more than two decades of service, he has worked with children, adolescents, adults, and families affected by trauma, mental illness, addiction, disability, grief, poverty, and systemic barriers to care.

His professional experience includes outpatient behavioral health, case management, crisis intervention, child welfare, developmental disabilities, substance use treatment, and organizational leadership. These experiences have provided him with a unique perspective on human growth and development across the lifespan.

As a clinician and leader, John has developed a special interest in understanding how people grow, adapt, and overcome adversity. Much of his writing explores the intersection of psychology, personal growth, faith, character development, relationships, and resilience. Through both clinical practice and leadership, he has witnessed how childhood experiences, family relationships, community influences, and life transitions shape the adults people eventually become.

John is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, a collection of articles and reflections that examine life’s challenges through the lenses of psychology, personal experience, and timeless principles of growth and wisdom. His writing seeks to make complex psychological concepts understandable and relevant to everyday life while encouraging readers to pursue self-awareness, purpose, and healthy relationships.

When writing about adolescence and human development, John draws upon both established developmental theories and his extensive experience working with young people and families. He believes that understanding the challenges of each life stage helps individuals, parents, educators, and communities better support one another during times of change and growth.

Through his clinical work, leadership, and writing, John remains committed to helping others build stronger foundations for mental health, meaningful relationships, and personal fulfillment.

References

American Psychological Association. Identity versus identity confusion. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

American Psychological Association. Erikson’s Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Arnett, J. J. (2015). Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens Through the Twenties.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.

Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). The Ecology of Human Development.

Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and Crisis.

Kohlberg, L. (1981). The Philosophy of Moral Development.

Marcia, J. E. (1966). Development and validation of ego-identity status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 3(5), 551-558.

Piaget, J. (1972). The Psychology of the Child.

Ragelienė, T. (2016). Links of adolescents’ identity development and relationship with peers: A systematic literature review. Journal of the Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 25(2), 97-105.

Core Competency #9, Developmental Perspectives Across the Life Span.

“The journey from childhood to adulthood is not merely a passage of time. It is the formation of identity, character, values, and purpose. The adults we become are often shaped by the questions we ask, the challenges we face, and the guidance we receive during these formative years.” – John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

Do Not Break Their Spirit: A Parent’s Call to Lead with Love

There are few responsibilities in life more important than raising a child. Parents are entrusted with more than providing food, shelter, and safety. They are shaping hearts, building confidence, and helping young people discover who they are. The words we speak, the standards we set, and the way we respond to mistakes all leave lasting impressions.

Many parents begin with good intentions. They want their children to succeed, make good decisions, and develop strong character. Yet sometimes, in the pursuit of these goals, parents unintentionally wound the very people they are trying to help. Constant criticism, unreasonable expectations, harsh discipline, and emotional distance can discourage a child and leave lasting scars.

Children need guidance, but they also need grace. They need correction, but they also need compassion. They need structure, but they also need understanding.

When Correction Becomes Discouragement

Every child will make mistakes. Learning, growing, and maturing all involve failure. A healthy parent understands that mistakes are opportunities for teaching rather than occasions for humiliation.

Unfortunately, some parents unknowingly create an environment where children feel they can never measure up. Nothing is good enough. Every success is overshadowed by a failure. Every effort is met with criticism. Instead of feeling encouraged to grow, children begin to feel defeated.

When children repeatedly hear messages such as:

  • “Why can’t you do anything right?”
  • “Your brother never has this problem.”
  • “If you would just try harder.”
  • “You’re always messing things up.”

They may begin to believe these statements about themselves.

Discouragement does not always come from yelling. Sometimes it comes from unrealistic expectations. A child who constantly feels like they are failing an impossible standard eventually stops trying. They lose confidence, motivation, and hope.

Children need to know they are loved even when they struggle.

Common Ways Parents Provoke Their Children

Most parents would never intentionally harm their children emotionally. Yet certain behaviors can slowly damage trust and self-esteem.

Being Unreasonable

Children need rules, but rules should be fair, understandable, and age-appropriate.

When expectations are impossible to meet, children become frustrated and discouraged. A parent who expects perfection sets their child up for failure.

Healthy discipline asks:

  • Is this reasonable?
  • Is this expectation appropriate for their age?
  • Am I teaching or simply demanding?

Rules should help children develop responsibility, not create constant fear of failure.

Showing Favoritism

Few things hurt a child more deeply than feeling less valued than a sibling.

Favoritism sends the message that love must be earned. Whether intentional or not, repeatedly praising one child while criticizing another creates resentment and insecurity.

Every child is unique. One may excel academically while another shines socially or creatively. Parents should celebrate each child’s strengths rather than comparing them to one another.

Comparison steals confidence.

Acceptance builds it.

Belittling and Mocking

Children are learning how to view themselves. Parents often become the mirror through which a child develops their identity.

When a parent mocks a child’s fears, appearance, efforts, or emotions, the child learns to doubt their worth.

Statements such as:

  • “That’s a stupid idea.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”
  • “Stop crying.”
  • “You’ll never be good at that.”

may seem small in the moment, but they can echo for years.

A child’s feelings may not always be logical, but they are always real.

Listening with empathy teaches children that their emotions matter and that they can trust their parents with their struggles.

Over-Correcting Out of Frustration

Discipline should be about teaching, not venting.

Parents are human. Stress accumulates. Work becomes overwhelming. Financial pressures mount. Relationships strain under life’s demands.

However, children should never become the target of a parent’s frustration.

Correction motivated by anger often focuses on punishment rather than growth. The goal shifts from teaching a lesson to expressing irritation.

Before responding to a child’s mistake, it can be helpful to ask:

“Am I correcting my child, or am I releasing my frustration?”

The answer can make all the difference.

The Power of Active Listening

Children desperately want to feel heard.

Many conflicts between parents and children are not caused by disobedience alone. They stem from feeling misunderstood.

Active listening means giving children your attention without immediately judging, correcting, or dismissing their perspective.

Listening does not mean agreeing with everything they say. It means communicating that their thoughts and feelings matter.

When children feel heard, they become more open to guidance.

When they feel ignored, they often become defensive or withdrawn.

A child who trusts their parent will seek advice. A child who feels constantly criticized may hide their struggles.

Choosing Calm Communication

Words have extraordinary power.

A raised voice may gain temporary compliance, but calm communication builds lasting respect.

Children are always learning from what they see. Parents who respond with patience teach emotional regulation. Parents who communicate respectfully model healthy relationships.

When emotions run high, consider:

  • Taking a brief pause.
  • Lowering your voice instead of raising it.
  • Asking questions before making assumptions.
  • Focusing on the behavior rather than attacking character.

Instead of saying:

“You’re lazy.”

Try saying:

“I know you’re capable of more effort.”

One attacks identity.

The other encourages growth.

Balancing Discipline with Love

Discipline is necessary. Children need boundaries. They need guidance and accountability.

But effective discipline is rooted in love rather than control.

Healthy discipline:

  • Explains the reason behind rules.
  • Focuses on learning rather than shame.
  • Remains consistent and fair.
  • Gives children opportunities to improve.
  • Reinforces that mistakes do not diminish their worth.

Children should leave a correction feeling guided, not crushed.

They should understand that their behavior may need to change, but their value never does.

The Legacy Parents Leave

Long after childhood ends, many adults still hear the voices of their parents in their minds.

Some hear encouragement:

  • “I believe in you.”
  • “You can do hard things.”
  • “I’m proud of your effort.”
  • “You are loved.”

Others hear criticism, comparison, and disappointment.

Every parent leaves a legacy through their words.

Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are willing to learn, apologize when necessary, and lead with love.

The goal of parenting is not creating perfect children. The goal is helping children become healthy, confident, compassionate adults who know they are valued.

When correction is balanced with kindness, expectations are balanced with understanding, and discipline is balanced with love, children flourish.

And perhaps the greatest gift a parent can give is not a life free from mistakes, but a home where mistakes become opportunities for growth rather than reasons for shame.

Pull Quote

“Children should leave a correction feeling guided, not crushed. Their behavior may need to change, but their value never does.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Through his writing and clinical work, he explores relationships, emotional health, personal growth, resilience, and the challenges individuals and families face in everyday life. He is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he examines the connections between thoughts, emotions, behavior, and human flourishing.