How to Stop Being Roommates and Start Being Lovers Again: Part 2 Prioritizing Intimacy
In long-term relationships, it’s common for couples to fall into a routine where they feel more like roommates than lovers. The pressures of daily life, such as work, children, and household responsibilities, can erode intimacy over time. As passion fades, couples may find themselves living parallel lives, disconnected emotionally and physically. However, reigniting the flame is possible. By prioritizing intimacy, couples can reconnect and move from being mere roommates back to lovers.
Understanding the “Roommate Syndrome”
The “roommate syndrome” occurs when partners cohabit but feel emotionally distant, interact primarily out of necessity, and rarely engage in activities that foster closeness. This phenomenon can result in feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment. According to psychologist John Gottman, emotional neglect is one of the primary reasons couples drift apart. In Gottman’s research, happy couples maintain emotional intimacy by continually turning toward each other for connection rather than turning away or ignoring one another .
Why Intimacy Matters
Intimacy is essential to a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship. It involves emotional connection, physical affection, and mutual vulnerability. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that intimacy creates a sense of security and belonging in relationships . Without intimacy, partners may feel unloved and unimportant, which can eventually erode the foundation of the relationship. Prioritizing intimacy can help rebuild emotional bonds and create an environment where romance can flourish again.
Strategies to Rebuild Intimacy
- Make Time for Each Other
One of the most effective ways to reconnect is to intentionally carve out time for your partner. According to a study by the National Marriage Project, couples who spend quality time together at least once a week are more likely to experience higher levels of marital satisfaction . Date nights, shared hobbies, or simply taking a walk together can create opportunities for meaningful conversation and emotional connection.
- Communicate Openly and Honestly
Open communication is crucial for intimacy. Partners need to express their desires, fears, and frustrations without fear of judgment. Regular check-ins where each partner shares their thoughts and feelings can help ensure that both are on the same page. In Dr. Harville Hendrix’s “Imago Relationship Therapy,” couples are encouraged to use conscious dialogue, which involves listening without interrupting and validating the other person’s emotions . This type of communication fosters emotional intimacy and reduces conflict.
- Reignite Physical Affection
Physical intimacy is a key component of romantic relationships. While emotional closeness is crucial, physical affection also plays a significant role in reigniting passion. Studies show that physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or cuddling, releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which enhances bonding and emotional closeness . Making time for non-sexual physical affection can strengthen the relationship, leading to a more fulfilling sexual connection as well.
- Prioritize Sexual Intimacy
Sexual intimacy often diminishes in long-term relationships due to stress, fatigue, or routine. However, a healthy sexual relationship is important for many couples to feel close and connected. To rekindle the sexual spark, couples may need to approach intimacy with intention. Sex therapist Esther Perel suggests that desire requires distance, novelty, and excitement . Couples can reignite passion by trying new experiences, exploring fantasies, or simply setting aside uninterrupted time to be intimate.
- Practice Gratitude and Affirmation
It’s easy to take each other for granted after years of partnership, but practicing gratitude can help reignite feelings of appreciation and love. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude research, expressing gratitude helps partners feel valued and strengthens the emotional bond between them . Couples can incorporate gratitude into their daily lives by acknowledging and thanking each other for small gestures, thereby fostering a more positive and loving atmosphere.
- Seek Professional Help if Needed
Sometimes, the emotional and physical distance between partners requires professional guidance to bridge. Couples therapy can provide tools to rebuild intimacy, improve communication, and address unresolved conflicts. Therapies such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been shown to be effective in helping couples reconnect and repair their relationship .
The Power of Small Gestures
Small daily gestures of love and affection can make a significant difference in rebuilding intimacy. Even seemingly insignificant acts, like making your partner coffee in the morning, leaving a kind note, or complimenting them, can show that you care. These moments of connection can accumulate over time, creating a foundation for deeper emotional and physical intimacy.
Revitalizing a relationship and moving from roommates to lovers again requires effort and commitment from both partners. By prioritizing intimacy—through communication, physical affection, shared experiences, and practicing gratitude—couples can restore their emotional and physical connection. Ultimately, rebuilding intimacy strengthens the relationship, making it more resilient to the challenges of life and deepening the bond between partners.
This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.
References
- Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
- Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.
- Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
- National Marriage Project. (2011). “The Date Night Opportunity: What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Quality of Relationships?” University of Virginia.
- Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
- Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
- Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.