Forgive Yourself: A Guide to Letting Go of Guilt
We all make mistakes. Maybe you said something hurtful to a friend, failed a test because you didn’t study, or made a choice you regret. Whatever it is, holding on to guilt can feel like carrying a heavy backpack everywhere you go. The good news is that you don’t have to carry that weight forever. Learning to forgive yourself is an important skill that can help you feel better, move forward, and grow as a person.
Why Is It So Hard to Forgive Ourselves?
When we hurt someone or mess up, it’s easy to get stuck in negative thoughts. You might think, “I should have known better” or “I don’t deserve to be happy after what I did.” These thoughts come from guilt and shame.
- Guilt happens when we realize we did something wrong. This feeling can actually be helpful because it encourages us to make things right (Tangney et al., 2007).
- Shame is different—it makes us feel like we are a bad person, not just that we did something wrong. Shame can be harmful because it makes us feel stuck and unworthy of forgiveness (Brown, 2012).
The truth is, nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and those mistakes don’t define who you are.
The Benefits of Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t hurt someone. It means recognizing your mistakes, learning from them, and moving forward in a healthier way.
Studies show that self-forgiveness can:
Reduce stress and anxiety (Wohl et al., 2008) Improve self-esteem (Hall & Fincham, 2005) Help you maintain better relationships (Thompson et al., 2005)
When you forgive yourself, you give yourself a second chance to grow and become a better person.
Steps to Forgiving Yourself
If you’re struggling to forgive yourself, here are some steps to help:
1. Admit What Happened
Be honest with yourself about what you did and how it affected others. Avoid making excuses, but also avoid being too hard on yourself.
2. Apologize and Make Things Right
If you hurt someone, a sincere apology can help. Sometimes, making up for a mistake can help you forgive yourself faster. If you can’t fix the situation directly, try doing something good for someone else.
3. Learn from Your Mistakes
Ask yourself:
What can I do differently next time? How can I grow from this experience?
Turning mistakes into lessons can make you stronger and wiser.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Would you tell a friend they are a terrible person because they made a mistake? Probably not. So why do it to yourself? Try speaking to yourself with kindness instead of criticism.
5. Let Go of the Past
Holding onto guilt won’t change what happened. The best thing you can do is focus on being the best version of yourself moving forward.
Conclusion
Forgiving yourself isn’t always easy, but it’s an important step toward happiness and personal growth. Nobody is perfect, and mistakes are part of being human. By practicing self-compassion, making things right, and learning from the past, you can free yourself from guilt and move forward with confidence.
This article was written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr/ Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC based out of London Kentucky. John may be reached at (606) 657-0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.
References
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
- Hall, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (2005). Self–forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621-637.
- Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 345-372.
- Thompson, L. Y., Snyder, C. R., Hoffman, L., Michael, S. T., Rasmussen, H. N., Billings, L. S., … & Roberts, D. E. (2005). Dispositional forgiveness of self, others, and situations. Journal of Personality, 73(2), 313-360.
- Wohl, M. J., DeShea, L., & Wahkinney, R. L. (2008). Looking within: Measuring state self-forgiveness and its relationship to psychological well-being. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 40(1), 1-10.