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What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Available to Your Partner?

Emotional availability is a crucial component of healthy, intimate relationships. It refers to the ability to engage deeply, authentically, and compassionately with your partner’s emotional needs while being open to sharing your own feelings. Emotional availability provides a sense of security and intimacy, laying the groundwork for a resilient, supportive partnership. This article explores what it means to be emotionally available, why it’s important, and how you can cultivate emotional availability in your relationships.

1. Understanding Emotional Availability

Emotional availability is the capacity to be present, empathetic, and open to emotional intimacy with another person (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2007). It requires self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and a willingness to connect beyond surface-level exchanges. According to Johnson (2004), emotional availability involves being responsive to your partner’s needs and showing consistent interest in understanding their feelings. It’s the foundation of a secure attachment, where both partners feel safe to express vulnerability and engage in emotional reciprocity.

2. Key Characteristics of an Emotionally Available Partner

An emotionally available partner demonstrates certain key behaviors and attitudes that foster emotional closeness and trust. These include:

• Active Listening: Listening attentively without interrupting or rushing to give advice. Active listening validates your partner’s feelings, making them feel valued (Rogers, 1951).

• Empathy: Trying to understand your partner’s perspective and emotions without judgment (Decety & Jackson, 2004). Empathy allows you to emotionally connect and validate your partner’s experience.

• Open Communication: Willingness to discuss emotions, even when they are difficult or uncomfortable. Open communication helps build trust and prevents misunderstandings (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

• Consistency: Being reliable and responsive, showing that your partner can count on you during both good and challenging times (Bowlby, 1988).

• Vulnerability: Sharing your own thoughts and emotions openly, which fosters intimacy and encourages your partner to do the same (Brown, 2012).

These behaviors show a commitment to understanding and responding to your partner’s emotional needs, which builds a foundation of trust and security in the relationship.

3. Why Emotional Availability Is Important in Relationships

Research shows that emotional availability is linked to relationship satisfaction and stability. A study by Feeney and Collins (2001) found that partners who felt emotionally supported were more satisfied in their relationships. Emotional availability fosters a secure attachment style, which helps couples better navigate conflicts and maintain a strong bond (Simpson & Rholes, 1998).

When both partners are emotionally available, they can openly express their needs, work through challenges, and grow together. This openness helps prevent resentment, miscommunication, and emotional distance, which are common sources of conflict in relationships (Gottman, 1994). Furthermore, emotionally available partners provide each other with a sense of validation and acceptance, reinforcing a positive sense of self-worth (Rogers, 1959).

4. Obstacles to Emotional Availability

Emotional availability doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Several factors can hinder a person’s ability to be emotionally available, including:

• Fear of Vulnerability: Some people may fear that sharing their emotions will make them seem weak or lead to rejection (Brown, 2012). This fear can prevent them from opening up.

• Past Trauma or Attachment Issues: Unresolved trauma or insecure attachment styles developed in childhood can impact a person’s capacity for emotional availability (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

• Poor Emotional Regulation Skills: Difficulty managing emotions can make it challenging to engage in open, supportive communication with a partner (Gross, 2002).

• Stress and Mental Health Issues: High stress levels, anxiety, and depression can make it difficult for individuals to be emotionally available, as they may be overwhelmed by their own emotional struggles (Larsen & Prizmic, 2008).

Recognizing these barriers is essential for understanding and addressing emotional unavailability in relationships.

5. Cultivating Emotional Availability in Your Relationship

Developing emotional availability is a process that requires self-awareness, commitment, and sometimes professional support. Here are some strategies to help cultivate emotional availability:

• Practice Mindfulness: Being present in the moment helps you tune into your own emotions and those of your partner, enhancing emotional connection (Kabat-Zinn, 2003).

• Work on Emotional Intelligence: Emotional intelligence involves recognizing, understanding, and managing emotions effectively. Improving emotional intelligence can make it easier to connect emotionally with your partner (Goleman, 1995).

• Seek Therapy or Counseling: Individual or couples therapy can help address past traumas, attachment issues, or mental health challenges that hinder emotional availability (Johnson, 2004).

• Communicate Openly and Regularly: Make it a habit to check in with each other about emotions, needs, and concerns, even outside of conflicts. Regular communication fosters trust and understanding (Gottman, 1994).

• Show Empathy and Compassion: Cultivate empathy by actively listening and showing compassion toward your partner’s experiences and feelings. Simple gestures of understanding can significantly deepen emotional intimacy (Decety & Jackson, 2004).

Conclusion

Emotional availability is a vital aspect of any healthy, fulfilling relationship. By being emotionally available, you create an environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves, fostering a deeper and more resilient connection. Emotional availability is not an innate trait but a skill that can be cultivated through self-awareness, empathy, and open communication. For those who find emotional availability challenging, seeking support and practicing mindfulness can help unlock the potential for genuine emotional intimacy. By prioritizing emotional availability, couples can build a strong foundation of trust, support, and love.

This article was written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the executive Director and outpatient provider for Southeast Kentucky Behavioral health based out of London Kentucky. He may be reached by phone at 606-657-0532 extension 101 or by email at John @sekybh.com.

References

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Penguin.

• Decety, J., & Jackson, P. L. (2004). The functional architecture of human empathy. Behavioral and Cognitive Neuroscience Reviews, 3(2), 71-100.

• Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2001). Predictors of caregiving in adult intimate relationships: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80(6), 972.

• Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam.

• Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Psychology Press.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.

• Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291.

• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511.

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144-156.

• Larsen, R. J., & Prizmic, Z. (2008). Regulation of emotional well-being: Overcoming the hedonic treadmill. In M. Eid & R. J. Larsen (Eds.), The science of subjective well-being (pp. 258-289). Guilford Press.

• Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin.

• Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2007). Adult attachment strategies and the regulation of emotion. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of emotion regulation (pp. 446-465). Guilford Press.

• Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (1998). Attachment theory and close relationships. Guilford Press.

How to Cope with Seasonal Depression During the Holidays

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For many, the holiday season is synonymous with joy, family gatherings, and celebration. However, for those affected by seasonal depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), this time of year can bring heightened feelings of sadness, anxiety, and fatigue. While the holidays can trigger or exacerbate symptoms, there are strategies for coping effectively. Understanding the underlying causes of holiday-related seasonal depression and implementing research-based approaches can empower individuals to manage their mental health during this season.

1. Understanding Seasonal Depression and the Holiday Season

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that typically occurs during the fall and winter months when daylight hours are shorter (Melrose, 2015). Symptoms of SAD include low energy, loss of interest in daily activities, changes in sleep and appetite, and feelings of sadness or hopelessness (Roecklein & Rohan, 2005). For some, these symptoms may intensify around the holiday season due to various triggers, such as financial stress, family dynamics, and the expectation to “feel joyful.”

Social pressures during the holidays can amplify feelings of isolation and inadequacy, while disrupted routines and financial obligations may also contribute to stress and anxiety (Boyce & Parker, 1989). Understanding these dynamics is essential in developing effective coping strategies.

2. Evidence-Based Strategies for Coping with Seasonal Depression During the Holidays

3. Recognizing and Managing Holiday Triggers

Many people with SAD find that certain holiday-related stressors, such as family conflict, financial worries, or high expectations, exacerbate their symptoms. Being mindful of these triggers can help with preemptive coping. For example, establishing a holiday budget can reduce financial stress, while openly communicating boundaries with family members can prevent feelings of overwhelm. Developing a holiday plan that focuses on activities you genuinely enjoy rather than on societal expectations can also provide relief.

Conclusion

The holiday season can be challenging for those affected by seasonal depression, but understanding its causes and utilizing evidence-based coping strategies can help manage symptoms effectively. By increasing exposure to natural light, maintaining routines, limiting alcohol intake, practicing mindfulness, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support, individuals can foster resilience and find moments of joy and connection during the holidays. Seasonal depression is a difficult journey, but with the right strategies and support, it is possible to navigate this season more comfortably.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

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References

• Boyce, P., & Parker, G. (1989). Seasonal affective disorder. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 155(4), 394-398.
• Cook, P., Casale, M., & Faulkner, L. (2009). Practicing self-care for mental health: Strategies and impacts. Social Work in Mental Health, 7(3), 303-315.
• Craft, L. L., & Perna, F. M. (2004). The benefits of exercise for the clinically depressed. Primary Care Companion to The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 6(3), 104–111.
• Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.
• Golden, R. N., Gaynes, B. N., Ekstrom, R. D., et al. (2005). The efficacy of light therapy in the treatment of mood disorders: A review and meta-analysis of the evidence. American Journal of Psychiatry, 162(4), 656–662.
• Hofmann, S. G., Sawyer, A. T., Witt, A. A., & Oh, D. (2010). The effect of mindfulness-based therapy on anxiety and depression: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 169–183.
• Melrose, S. (2015). Seasonal affective disorder: An overview of assessment and treatment approaches. Depression Research and Treatment, 2015, 1-6.
• O’Neil, A., Quirk, S. E., Housden, S., et al. (2014). Relationship between diet and mental health in children and adolescents: A systematic review. American Journal of Public Health, 104(10), e31-e42.
• Roecklein, K. A., & Rohan, K. J. (2005). Seasonal affective disorder: An overview and update. Psychiatric Services, 56(8), 1161-1170.
• Rohan, K. J., Roecklein, K. A., Lacy, T. J., & Vacek, P. M. (2004). Winter depression recurrence: A comparison of cognitive-behavioral therapy, light therapy, and combination treatment. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(3), 523-532.
• Schuckit, M. A., Tipp, J. E., Smith, T. L., et al. (1998). An evaluation of type A and type B alcoholics. Addiction, 93(8), 1149–1164.

What to Do When Your Teenager Feels They Aren’t Treated Fairly

It’s common for teenagers to feel misunderstood or unfairly treated at home. Whether it’s about rules, responsibilities, or privileges, teens are at an age when they’re figuring out who they are and are especially sensitive to fairness. If your teenager tells you they don’t feel treated fairly, this can be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and help them develop resilience and perspective.

 Understanding the Teenage Perspective on Fairness

During adolescence, children experience significant cognitive and emotional growth, which affects their view of fairness. According to Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a developmental psychologist, teens are increasingly aware of social justice and equality, which extends to how they view their place in the family. They’re also developing their own identity, which can lead to greater sensitivity when they feel they’re being treated unfairly compared to siblings or friends .

Fairness, however, doesn’t always mean treating everyone exactly the same. Psychologist Dr. Michael Thompson explains that fairness is about meeting each child’s individual needs. Parents often make decisions based on a teen’s maturity, needs, or abilities, which can sometimes lead teens to feel that others are getting special treatment .

 Responding Supportively When Your Teen Expresses Feelings of Unfairness

When your teen says they feel unfairly treated, responding in a supportive and constructive way can help them feel valued and understood. Here are some strategies:

 1. Listen Without Judgment

• When your teen tells you they feel unfairly treated, listen calmly and let them explain their feelings without interruption. According to Dr. John Gottman, an expert in family relationships, active listening can make children feel respected and valued, which helps foster a trusting and open relationship .
• Try to validate their feelings by saying things like, “I understand that you feel this way,” even if you don’t agree. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing, but it lets your teen know their emotions are acknowledged.

 2. Explain Fairness Versus Equality

• Fairness in parenting often means giving each child what they need, which may look different depending on age, maturity, and individual needs. For example, a younger sibling might have a different bedtime or a different set of responsibilities. Explaining the difference between fairness and equality can help your teen see why each family member might be treated differently.
• Family therapist Dr. Jane Nelsen explains that explaining this distinction can reduce resentment and help children understand that they are not being “punished” or unfairly limited, but rather given what’s appropriate for their stage of development .

 3. Ask Questions to Understand Their Perspective

• To fully understand why your teen feels unfairly treated, ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?” or “What would make this situation feel fairer to you?” Open-ended questions help you see things from their perspective and show your teen that you’re genuinely interested in understanding their feelings .
• Research shows that when teens feel heard and understood by their parents, they’re more likely to accept decisions, even if they don’t fully agree .

 4. Acknowledge Your Own Mistakes

• If there are times when you realize you may have been unfair without realizing it, don’t be afraid to admit it. Admitting mistakes can strengthen trust between you and your teen and show them that fairness matters to you as well.
• Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and family relationships, argues that admitting mistakes as a parent models accountability and teaches teens that it’s okay to acknowledge imperfections .

 Setting Clear Expectations and Boundaries

While understanding their feelings is important, consistency is key. Clear boundaries help teenagers feel secure and understand why rules are in place. Setting expectations and explaining the reasons behind rules can make them seem fairer to your teen.

 1. Discuss Expectations Openly

• Have conversations with your teen about what is expected of them and why. When parents and teens discuss expectations together, it helps clarify boundaries and can prevent feelings of unfairness. For instance, explaining why curfews differ based on age or responsibility level can make the rules seem more reasonable .
• Psychologist Dr. Wendy Mogel suggests involving teens in discussions about rules, which makes them feel more invested and responsible for their own actions .

 2. Be Consistent with Consequences

• Consistency helps teens understand that rules apply to everyone in the family. If consequences are only enforced sometimes, teens may feel that rules are unfairly applied.
• Consistent consequences, when applied in a fair and non-emotional way, reinforce the idea that rules are about safety and responsibility, not favoritism.

 Helping Your Teen Build Resilience and Perspective

Feelings of unfairness can be an opportunity for growth. Learning to handle situations that feel unfair helps teenagers develop resilience and prepares them for situations outside the family.

 1. Encourage Problem-Solving Skills

• If your teen feels that a situation is unfair, work with them to brainstorm ways to improve it. For example, if they feel they have too many chores compared to a sibling, you might discuss a more balanced approach or find ways to rotate tasks. This teaches them to address perceived unfairness in constructive ways .
• Studies show that encouraging teens to engage in problem-solving fosters independence and resilience, helping them deal with challenges throughout life .

 2. Model Empathy and Perspective-Taking

• Encourage your teen to consider others’ perspectives as well. Ask questions like, “Why do you think your sibling might have different responsibilities?” or “How do you think we try to balance everyone’s needs?” This teaches empathy and helps your teen see family dynamics in a broader context.
• Research by developmental psychologist Dr. Nancy Eisenberg suggests that teaching empathy and perspective-taking can enhance social skills and emotional intelligence in adolescents .

 Wrapping It Up: Fairness, Understanding, and Family Growth

Feeling unfairly treated is a common experience for teens, and how parents respond can shape their future interactions with others. By listening, validating feelings, explaining fairness versus equality, and involving them in discussions about expectations, you can build a more open and trusting relationship with your teen. And when misunderstandings occur, remember that these moments are opportunities to strengthen family bonds, build resilience, and help your teenager feel valued.

Every family dynamic is unique, and while it may not always be possible to avoid feelings of unfairness, responding with empathy, consistency, and open communication can help your teenager feel respected and understood.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

1. Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

2. Thompson, M. (2009). It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18. Ballantine Books.

3. Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. Simon & Schuster.

4. Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teens and Yourself Through Kind and Firm Parenting. Ballantine Books.

5. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Books.

6. Mogel, W. (2008). The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers. Scribner.

7. Eisenberg, N., & Spinrad, T. L. (2004). “Emotion-Related Regulation: Its Role in the Development of Empathy and Prosocial Behavior.” Annual Review of Psychology, 55, 535–570.