Be Intentional with the Intimacy in Your Relationship
Intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It creates emotional, physical, and mental bonds that bring couples closer and strengthen their connection. However, as relationships evolve, life’s pressures can lead to intimacy taking a back seat, often resulting in emotional distance. To maintain a vibrant and loving relationship, it’s crucial to be intentional with intimacy—whether it’s emotional, physical, or sexual. By being purposeful and mindful about nurturing closeness, couples can prevent drift and reignite the spark.
The Importance of Intentional Intimacy
Intentional intimacy refers to the conscious effort to foster closeness and connection in a relationship. Unlike the spontaneous passion that may occur in the early stages of romance, intentional intimacy requires ongoing dedication, particularly in long-term relationships. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship dynamics, asserts that couples who consistently prioritize emotional and physical connection are more likely to maintain a happy and fulfilling relationship over time. According to Gottman, small, intentional gestures of intimacy build emotional “love maps,” strengthening the bond between partners.
Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of Connection
Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires with your partner in a way that promotes vulnerability and trust. However, this level of connection doesn’t happen automatically; it requires effort and communication.
To be intentional about emotional intimacy, couples must create spaces for deep conversations. This could involve setting aside time for regular check-ins, where both partners can share their feelings openly. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that “secure attachment” is critical to emotional intimacy, as it allows partners to feel safe and supported by one another. This sense of security leads to greater emotional closeness and satisfaction in the relationship .
Tips to Cultivate Emotional Intimacy:
- Schedule regular “talk time”: Dedicate time each week for uninterrupted conversation where you both share thoughts, worries, and dreams.
- Practice active listening: Show genuine interest in your partner’s experiences and validate their emotions. This strengthens emotional trust.
- Share appreciations daily: Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s qualities and actions nurtures a positive emotional climate.
Physical Intimacy: Small Gestures with Big Impact
Physical intimacy is not limited to sexual activity; it also includes everyday gestures like holding hands, hugging, and cuddling. Research shows that physical touch can significantly impact relationship satisfaction by boosting oxytocin levels, also known as the “bonding hormone,” which fosters feelings of connection and security.
Being intentional with physical intimacy involves incorporating these gestures into your daily routine. Small acts, such as a hug before leaving for work or holding hands during a walk, can be powerful ways to maintain closeness. Physical affection communicates love, care, and comfort, helping partners feel valued and connected even during stressful times.
Ways to Enhance Physical Intimacy:
- Increase non-sexual touch: Hugs, kisses, holding hands, and gentle touches are important ways to stay physically connected.
- Create physical routines: For example, commit to greeting each other with a hug after a long day or cuddling for a few minutes before bed.
- Make space for sexual intimacy: While everyday touch is important, carving out time for sexual connection helps keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive.
Sexual Intimacy: Rediscovering Passion with Purpose
Sexual intimacy is an essential part of most romantic relationships, and over time, it can become less frequent or less satisfying if not intentionally prioritized. Many couples assume that sexual connection will naturally occur, but as relationships progress and life becomes busier, this often isn’t the case.
Sex therapist Esther Perel argues that to sustain passion in a long-term relationship, couples must balance intimacy with desire. Intentionality in the sexual relationship might involve scheduling time for intimacy, exploring new ways to connect, or discussing each partner’s desires and boundaries . This level of communication fosters trust and helps partners feel safe expressing their needs.
Strategies for Reigniting Sexual Intimacy:
- Schedule time for intimacy: While it may seem unromantic, planning for intimacy ensures that it remains a priority amidst busy schedules.
- Explore together: Be open to trying new activities, discussing fantasies, or changing the environment to rediscover desire.
- Communicate openly about desires: Honest conversations about sexual needs and boundaries help ensure both partners feel satisfied and respected.
The Power of Intentional Acts of Love
In a fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in work, parenting, or other responsibilities, leaving little time for nurturing intimacy. However, small, intentional acts of love can be transformative. Whether it’s a simple “I love you” text during the day, a thoughtful compliment, or spending five minutes hugging, these gestures remind your partner that they are cherished and loved.
Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the “Five Love Languages” offers insight into how couples can be intentional in expressing love in ways that are meaningful to their partner. By learning whether your partner values words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, you can engage in targeted acts of love that resonate deeply .
Building a Culture of Intentional Intimacy
Being intentional about intimacy doesn’t mean grand gestures or elaborate plans—it means consistently showing up for your partner and nurturing the connection. As author Brene Brown explains, vulnerability is key to fostering true intimacy. When couples intentionally create space for vulnerability, they build a deeper emotional and physical connection that sustains their relationship over time .
Practical Steps for Building Intentional Intimacy:
- Schedule regular date nights: Make time for each other away from the stresses of daily life to focus on the relationship.
- Check-in daily: Even a brief conversation about your day can keep you emotionally connected.
- Celebrate small moments: Intimacy grows through appreciating the small, everyday moments of life together.
- Express affection frequently: Whether through words or touch, let your partner know they are loved.
Conclusion
Intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. Being intentional about emotional, physical, and sexual closeness fosters deeper connections, strengthens trust, and rekindles passion. By making small but meaningful efforts to prioritize intimacy, couples can move beyond autopilot and rediscover the love and connection that brought them together in the first place.
This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.
References
- Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
- Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
- Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
- Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
- Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.