Setting Boundaries and Walking Away: A Guide for Teens Managing Anger
Anger is a natural emotion, but for many teens, it can be challenging to manage. Between school, friendships, family, and the pressures of adolescence, situations can quickly escalate into anger. Learning to set boundaries and knowing when to walk away can be vital tools in managing anger healthily and effectively. In this article, we’ll explore how teens can set boundaries and practice walking away when emotions run high, along with the importance of these skills for personal well-being and relationships.
Understanding Anger and Boundaries
Anger is an emotional response to perceived threats, injustices, or frustrations. It’s not inherently bad, but how you respond to anger can determine whether it becomes a problem (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021). For teens, anger often comes from feeling misunderstood, overwhelmed, or disrespected. When unchecked, anger can lead to destructive behaviors, damaged relationships, or poor decision-making.
Boundaries are the limits you set for how others treat you and how you engage with situations. Establishing boundaries means defining what is acceptable and what isn’t, helping you maintain control over your emotions and actions (LeCroy & Daley, 2020). For teens, learning to set boundaries is key to managing anger, as it allows you to protect your emotional well-being while avoiding unnecessary conflicts.
Why Setting Boundaries Is Important
- Protects Your Emotional Health
- Boundaries act as a buffer between your emotions and external situations that might provoke anger. By setting clear limits, you reduce the chances of getting overwhelmed or pushed into conflict (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
- Builds Self-Respect and Confidence
- Setting boundaries helps you stand up for yourself in respectful and assertive ways. When you practice this regularly, you build self-esteem because you’re taking responsibility for your emotional well-being (Friedman, 2020).
- Improves Relationships
- Boundaries foster healthier relationships by promoting mutual respect. When you communicate your limits clearly, others know what behaviors are acceptable and what isn’t. This can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflicts (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
How to Set Boundaries When You’re Angry
Setting boundaries when you’re angry can be difficult, but it’s essential for preventing escalation and maintaining healthy relationships. Here are steps you can follow to set boundaries effectively:
- Identify Your Triggers
- Before you can set boundaries, it’s important to understand what situations or behaviors make you feel angry. Identifying your triggers—whether it’s disrespect, being ignored, or feeling overwhelmed—allows you to anticipate when you might need to set a boundary (APA, 2021).
- Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively
- When setting boundaries, it’s important to communicate in a calm and respectful manner, even if you feel angry. Using “I” statements can help express how you feel without blaming others (e.g., “I feel upset when…”). This approach helps the other person understand your emotions without feeling attacked (Groschwitz & Plener, 2012).
- Be Clear and Specific
- Vague boundaries often lead to misunderstandings. Instead, be specific about what you’re asking for. For example, if you need space to cool down, say, “I need to take a break right now. Let’s talk about this later when we’re both calmer” (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
- Stay Consistent
- Once you set a boundary, stick to it. If others see that you’re inconsistent, they may not take your boundaries seriously. By staying consistent, you reinforce your limits and reduce the chances of repeated conflicts (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
The Power of Walking Away
Sometimes, even after setting boundaries, a situation may still feel overwhelming or unmanageable. In these cases, walking away can be the best option for both your emotional well-being and for preventing further conflict. Walking away isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a powerful tool for maintaining control over your emotions and preventing the situation from escalating.
- Prevents Escalation
- When emotions are high, it’s easy for arguments to spiral out of control. Walking away gives you time to calm down and think rationally before reacting. This pause can prevent hurtful words or actions that you may regret later (Galla, 2016).
- Gives You Time to Cool Down
- Taking a break from a heated situation allows your body’s stress response to subside. When you walk away, your heart rate slows down, your breathing steadies, and you can regain control of your thoughts (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
- Creates Space for Reflection
- Walking away gives you time to reflect on the situation and your emotions. It helps you assess whether your anger is justified or if there’s a better way to approach the issue. You might realize that what you’re upset about isn’t worth the conflict, or you may gain clarity on how to address the situation more calmly (APA, 2021).
How to Walk Away When Angry
Walking away isn’t always easy, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment. Here are some tips to help you walk away effectively:
- Recognize When It’s Time to Leave
- Pay attention to your physical and emotional cues. If you notice that your heart is racing, your body is tense, or you feel like yelling, it may be a good time to walk away before things escalate (Groschwitz & Plener, 2012).
- Say Something Calm and Direct
- Let the other person know that you need space to cool down. You can say something like, “I need a break right now. Let’s talk about this later when we’ve both had time to calm down.” This communicates your intent without making the situation worse (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
- Find a Safe Space
- Once you walk away, go somewhere quiet where you can cool down. This could be your room, a park, or any space where you can feel calm and reflect. Use this time to practice deep breathing, mindfulness, or any other relaxation technique that helps you regain control (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
- Return When You’re Ready
- After you’ve had time to cool down, return to the conversation with a clearer mind. You’ll likely be more prepared to discuss the issue calmly and productively.
Long-Term Benefits of Setting Boundaries and Walking Away
Learning to set boundaries and walk away when necessary are essential life skills that promote emotional intelligence and resilience. By consistently practicing these skills, teens can experience long-term benefits, including:
- Improved Emotional Regulation
- Setting boundaries and walking away help you develop emotional self-control. You become more aware of your emotions and can respond to them in healthier ways (Galla, 2016).
- Stronger Relationships
- Boundaries foster mutual respect and understanding in relationships, while walking away prevents unnecessary conflicts. These practices lead to stronger, healthier connections with friends, family, and peers (Friedman, 2020).
- Greater Confidence and Self-Esteem
- Setting boundaries allows you to stand up for yourself, which builds confidence and self-respect. Walking away from unproductive situations shows emotional maturity and self-control (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
Conclusion
For teens, learning to set boundaries and walk away when angry is essential for managing emotions and maintaining healthy relationships. These skills help you stay in control of your reactions and reduce the chances of conflict or emotional outbursts. By consistently practicing these techniques, you can build stronger relationships, improve your emotional well-being, and approach life’s challenges with greater resilience and confidence.
This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.
References
American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control
Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger
Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.
Galla, B. M. (2016). Mindfulness, academic achievement, and positive behavior among adolescents: The role of executive function. Journal of Educational Psychology, 108(3), 427-441.
LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.
Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.
Groschwitz, R. C., & Plener, P. L. (2012). The neurobiological basis of nonsuicidal self-injury in adolescents: A review. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 21(2), 139–149.
