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Be Intentional with the Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It creates emotional, physical, and mental bonds that bring couples closer and strengthen their connection. However, as relationships evolve, life’s pressures can lead to intimacy taking a back seat, often resulting in emotional distance. To maintain a vibrant and loving relationship, it’s crucial to be intentional with intimacy—whether it’s emotional, physical, or sexual. By being purposeful and mindful about nurturing closeness, couples can prevent drift and reignite the spark.

 The Importance of Intentional Intimacy

Intentional intimacy refers to the conscious effort to foster closeness and connection in a relationship. Unlike the spontaneous passion that may occur in the early stages of romance, intentional intimacy requires ongoing dedication, particularly in long-term relationships. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship dynamics, asserts that couples who consistently prioritize emotional and physical connection are more likely to maintain a happy and fulfilling relationship over time. According to Gottman, small, intentional gestures of intimacy build emotional “love maps,” strengthening the bond between partners.

 Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of Connection

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires with your partner in a way that promotes vulnerability and trust. However, this level of connection doesn’t happen automatically; it requires effort and communication.

To be intentional about emotional intimacy, couples must create spaces for deep conversations. This could involve setting aside time for regular check-ins, where both partners can share their feelings openly. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that “secure attachment” is critical to emotional intimacy, as it allows partners to feel safe and supported by one another. This sense of security leads to greater emotional closeness and satisfaction in the relationship .

 Tips to Cultivate Emotional Intimacy:

  • Schedule regular “talk time”: Dedicate time each week for uninterrupted conversation where you both share thoughts, worries, and dreams.
  • Practice active listening: Show genuine interest in your partner’s experiences and validate their emotions. This strengthens emotional trust.
  • Share appreciations daily: Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s qualities and actions nurtures a positive emotional climate.

 Physical Intimacy: Small Gestures with Big Impact

Physical intimacy is not limited to sexual activity; it also includes everyday gestures like holding hands, hugging, and cuddling. Research shows that physical touch can significantly impact relationship satisfaction by boosting oxytocin levels, also known as the “bonding hormone,” which fosters feelings of connection and security.

Being intentional with physical intimacy involves incorporating these gestures into your daily routine. Small acts, such as a hug before leaving for work or holding hands during a walk, can be powerful ways to maintain closeness. Physical affection communicates love, care, and comfort, helping partners feel valued and connected even during stressful times.

 Ways to Enhance Physical Intimacy:

  • Increase non-sexual touch: Hugs, kisses, holding hands, and gentle touches are important ways to stay physically connected.
  • Create physical routines: For example, commit to greeting each other with a hug after a long day or cuddling for a few minutes before bed.
  • Make space for sexual intimacy: While everyday touch is important, carving out time for sexual connection helps keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive.

 Sexual Intimacy: Rediscovering Passion with Purpose

Sexual intimacy is an essential part of most romantic relationships, and over time, it can become less frequent or less satisfying if not intentionally prioritized. Many couples assume that sexual connection will naturally occur, but as relationships progress and life becomes busier, this often isn’t the case.

Sex therapist Esther Perel argues that to sustain passion in a long-term relationship, couples must balance intimacy with desire. Intentionality in the sexual relationship might involve scheduling time for intimacy, exploring new ways to connect, or discussing each partner’s desires and boundaries . This level of communication fosters trust and helps partners feel safe expressing their needs.

 Strategies for Reigniting Sexual Intimacy:

  • Schedule time for intimacy: While it may seem unromantic, planning for intimacy ensures that it remains a priority amidst busy schedules.
  • Explore together: Be open to trying new activities, discussing fantasies, or changing the environment to rediscover desire.
  • Communicate openly about desires: Honest conversations about sexual needs and boundaries help ensure both partners feel satisfied and respected.

 The Power of Intentional Acts of Love

In a fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in work, parenting, or other responsibilities, leaving little time for nurturing intimacy. However, small, intentional acts of love can be transformative. Whether it’s a simple “I love you” text during the day, a thoughtful compliment, or spending five minutes hugging, these gestures remind your partner that they are cherished and loved.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the “Five Love Languages” offers insight into how couples can be intentional in expressing love in ways that are meaningful to their partner. By learning whether your partner values words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, you can engage in targeted acts of love that resonate deeply .

 Building a Culture of Intentional Intimacy

Being intentional about intimacy doesn’t mean grand gestures or elaborate plans—it means consistently showing up for your partner and nurturing the connection. As author Brene Brown explains, vulnerability is key to fostering true intimacy. When couples intentionally create space for vulnerability, they build a deeper emotional and physical connection that sustains their relationship over time .

 Practical Steps for Building Intentional Intimacy:

  1. Schedule regular date nights: Make time for each other away from the stresses of daily life to focus on the relationship.
  2. Check-in daily: Even a brief conversation about your day can keep you emotionally connected.
  3. Celebrate small moments: Intimacy grows through appreciating the small, everyday moments of life together.
  4. Express affection frequently: Whether through words or touch, let your partner know they are loved.

 Conclusion

Intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. Being intentional about emotional, physical, and sexual closeness fosters deeper connections, strengthens trust, and rekindles passion. By making small but meaningful efforts to prioritize intimacy, couples can move beyond autopilot and rediscover the love and connection that brought them together in the first place.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

How to Stop Being Roommates and Start Being Lovers Again:  Part 2 Prioritizing Intimacy

In long-term relationships, it’s common for couples to fall into a routine where they feel more like roommates than lovers. The pressures of daily life, such as work, children, and household responsibilities, can erode intimacy over time. As passion fades, couples may find themselves living parallel lives, disconnected emotionally and physically. However, reigniting the flame is possible. By prioritizing intimacy, couples can reconnect and move from being mere roommates back to lovers.

 Understanding the “Roommate Syndrome”

The “roommate syndrome” occurs when partners cohabit but feel emotionally distant, interact primarily out of necessity, and rarely engage in activities that foster closeness. This phenomenon can result in feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment. According to psychologist John Gottman, emotional neglect is one of the primary reasons couples drift apart. In Gottman’s research, happy couples maintain emotional intimacy by continually turning toward each other for connection rather than turning away or ignoring one another .

 Why Intimacy Matters

Intimacy is essential to a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship. It involves emotional connection, physical affection, and mutual vulnerability. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that intimacy creates a sense of security and belonging in relationships . Without intimacy, partners may feel unloved and unimportant, which can eventually erode the foundation of the relationship. Prioritizing intimacy can help rebuild emotional bonds and create an environment where romance can flourish again.

Strategies to Rebuild Intimacy

  1. Make Time for Each Other

One of the most effective ways to reconnect is to intentionally carve out time for your partner. According to a study by the National Marriage Project, couples who spend quality time together at least once a week are more likely to experience higher levels of marital satisfaction . Date nights, shared hobbies, or simply taking a walk together can create opportunities for meaningful conversation and emotional connection.

  • Communicate Openly and Honestly

Open communication is crucial for intimacy. Partners need to express their desires, fears, and frustrations without fear of judgment. Regular check-ins where each partner shares their thoughts and feelings can help ensure that both are on the same page. In Dr. Harville Hendrix’s “Imago Relationship Therapy,” couples are encouraged to use conscious dialogue, which involves listening without interrupting and validating the other person’s emotions . This type of communication fosters emotional intimacy and reduces conflict.

  • Reignite Physical Affection

Physical intimacy is a key component of romantic relationships. While emotional closeness is crucial, physical affection also plays a significant role in reigniting passion. Studies show that physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or cuddling, releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which enhances bonding and emotional closeness . Making time for non-sexual physical affection can strengthen the relationship, leading to a more fulfilling sexual connection as well.

  • Prioritize Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy often diminishes in long-term relationships due to stress, fatigue, or routine. However, a healthy sexual relationship is important for many couples to feel close and connected. To rekindle the sexual spark, couples may need to approach intimacy with intention. Sex therapist Esther Perel suggests that desire requires distance, novelty, and excitement . Couples can reignite passion by trying new experiences, exploring fantasies, or simply setting aside uninterrupted time to be intimate.

  • Practice Gratitude and Affirmation

It’s easy to take each other for granted after years of partnership, but practicing gratitude can help reignite feelings of appreciation and love. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude research, expressing gratitude helps partners feel valued and strengthens the emotional bond between them . Couples can incorporate gratitude into their daily lives by acknowledging and thanking each other for small gestures, thereby fostering a more positive and loving atmosphere.

  • Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes, the emotional and physical distance between partners requires professional guidance to bridge. Couples therapy can provide tools to rebuild intimacy, improve communication, and address unresolved conflicts. Therapies such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been shown to be effective in helping couples reconnect and repair their relationship  .

 The Power of Small Gestures

Small daily gestures of love and affection can make a significant difference in rebuilding intimacy. Even seemingly insignificant acts, like making your partner coffee in the morning, leaving a kind note, or complimenting them, can show that you care. These moments of connection can accumulate over time, creating a foundation for deeper emotional and physical intimacy.

Revitalizing a relationship and moving from roommates to lovers again requires effort and commitment from both partners. By prioritizing intimacy—through communication, physical affection, shared experiences, and practicing gratitude—couples can restore their emotional and physical connection. Ultimately, rebuilding intimacy strengthens the relationship, making it more resilient to the challenges of life and deepening the bond between partners.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. National Marriage Project. (2011). “The Date Night Opportunity: What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Quality of Relationships?” University of Virginia.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  7. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.

Halloween Safety: Home Safety for Trick-or-Treaters

If you’re handing out candy or decorating your home, ensure it’s safe for trick-or-treaters:

  1. Clear Walkways: Make sure your front yard, driveway, and sidewalks are free of obstacles like hoses, decorations, or loose branches that could cause someone to trip.
  2. Light Up Your Home: Keep the outside of your home well-lit to prevent falls and signal to trick-or-treaters that you’re participating in the holiday.
  3. Use Battery-Powered Candles: Instead of real candles, opt for battery-powered LED candles in pumpkins or luminaries to reduce fire hazards.
Men, Are You a Husband Worth Submitting To?

In many faith-based contexts, the idea of a wife “submitting” to her husband is often cited from biblical passages, notably Ephesians 5:22, which states, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” However, this concept has been a subject of much discussion and, at times, controversy. The key question that arises from this teaching is not just about whether women should submit, but also, what kind of husband a woman is being asked to submit to. This shifts the focus to men: are you a husband worthy of submission?

Submission as Partnership, Not Dominance

First and foremost, it’s important to dispel any misunderstanding that submission equates to servitude or a power hierarchy where the husband has unilateral control over the wife. In fact, many Christian theologians emphasize that biblical submission is a call to mutual respect and partnership, not oppression. Ephesians 5:25 offers a counterbalance to the call for wives to submit, stating, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Christ’s love was sacrificial and servant-hearted. A husband worthy of submission is one who leads not with an iron fist but with humility, service, and selflessness. As scholar Craig Keener notes, “The husband is called to a standard of love that is sacrificial to the point of laying down his life if necessary, which suggests that submission, in turn, would never be a demand made in self-interest.” The question then becomes, are you, as a husband, showing the same sacrificial love toward your wife?

Leadership Rooted in Love and Sacrifice

A husband who is worth submitting to is one who takes his role as a leader seriously, but that leadership is modeled after Christ’s example of loving service. In this context, leadership is not about being in charge but rather about taking responsibility for the well-being of the household. Biblical commentator John Piper emphasizes that “submission is a divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” This means that leadership in the home should create an environment where the wife feels valued, respected, and cherished.

Leadership rooted in love means that a husband listens, values his wife’s opinions, and seeks her good above his own. It means being present, both physically and emotionally, and taking active steps to build her up. A husband who neglects these duties, or worse, abuses his role, cannot expect his wife to follow willingly. Respect is earned through actions, not demanded by title alone.

Accountability and Growth in Marriage

Another key aspect of being a husband worthy of submission is a willingness to grow and be accountable. No one enters marriage with perfect knowledge or understanding of how to be an ideal partner. The journey of marriage is about continuous improvement and mutual growth. A husband must be open to feedback from his wife and willing to adjust his behavior when necessary.

As noted by Christian counselor Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage, “Marriage is a process that God uses to shape our character and make us more Christ-like.” A husband who is open to personal growth, who seeks to improve and work through challenges together with his wife, is one who demonstrates the humility necessary for true leadership.

Emotional and Spiritual Support

Lastly, a husband worth submitting to provides both emotional and spiritual support. A wife should feel secure in her relationship, knowing that her husband is a source of strength, love, and guidance. This includes praying together, making joint decisions based on faith, and encouraging spiritual growth within the family.

The writer and speaker Timothy Keller, in his book The Meaning of Marriage, stresses the importance of spiritual intimacy, stating that “marriage is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us.” This spiritual journey is one where both partners play crucial roles, and the husband, as a spiritual leader, should be proactive in fostering an environment where both can grow closer to God.

Conclusion: Worthy of Submission?

Being a husband worth submitting to is about more than just fulfilling a traditional role. It’s about embodying Christ-like love, servant leadership, emotional support, and a commitment to growth. Submission in marriage, when practiced correctly, is not about hierarchy but about mutual respect and love.

Husbands, the real question to ask yourself is this: are you leading with love, humility, and service in a way that reflects Christ? Only then can submission be seen not as an obligation but as a joyful partnership between two people seeking to honor God in their relationship.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  1. The Holy Bible, New International Version, Ephesians 5:22-25.
  2. Keener, Craig. Paul, Women, and Wives: Marriage and Women’s Ministry in the Letters of Paul. Baker Academic, 1992.
  3. Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence. Crossway, 2009.
  4. Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? Zondervan, 2000.
  5. Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. Penguin Books, 2011.