Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC

Tag problem-solving

Marriage and Happiness

Marriage is often idealized as the pinnacle of love and fulfillment—a fairy-tale ending where happiness is guaranteed. The idea that marriage is a ticket to perpetual joy, however, is a misguided notion that sets couples up for disappointment. While happiness is an important component of a healthy marriage, entering into matrimony with the sole purpose of achieving personal happiness is a fundamentally flawed premise. True marital satisfaction comes from commitment, mutual growth, and shared purpose rather than the fleeting emotion of happiness.

Happiness is Not a Constant State

One of the greatest misconceptions about marriage is that it will sustain perpetual happiness. However, research in psychology suggests that happiness is a fluctuating emotional state influenced by numerous factors, including individual well-being, life circumstances, and external stressors (Lyubomirsky, 2007). Expecting a spouse to provide continual happiness places undue pressure on the relationship, often leading to dissatisfaction when reality does not match expectations.

Studies indicate that while marriage can contribute to overall well-being, the “honeymoon phase” of heightened happiness typically fades within the first two years (Lucas et al., 2003). Once the initial excitement subsides, couples who entered marriage seeking continuous joy may feel disillusioned, mistaking normal relationship challenges as signs of incompatibility or failure.

Marriage Requires Effort, Not Just Emotion

Sustainable, long-term marriages are not built on transient feelings but on mutual effort and resilience. The work of Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, emphasizes that successful relationships depend on factors such as emotional attunement, conflict resolution skills, and shared meaning (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Couples who focus solely on personal happiness often neglect the foundational aspects of a relationship, such as communication, compromise, and commitment.

Instead of seeing marriage as a source of happiness, couples should approach it as a partnership where both individuals strive to build a fulfilling life together. This perspective aligns with findings that marital satisfaction is linked to a shared sense of purpose and emotional support rather than just romantic bliss (Finkel et al., 2014).

Marriage is About Giving, Not Just Receiving

A marriage centered on individual happiness can quickly devolve into a transactional relationship, where each partner evaluates whether they are getting enough personal satisfaction. This mindset undermines the essence of marriage, which thrives on giving rather than just receiving. Research shows that acts of generosity and selflessness within a marriage contribute to deeper satisfaction and long-term stability (Algoe et al., 2010).

When individuals enter marriage with a self-focused mindset, they may struggle with the inevitable sacrifices and compromises that come with a shared life. True marital fulfillment arises when partners prioritize mutual growth, emotional intimacy, and a shared vision rather than individual gratification.

Happiness is a Byproduct, Not the Goal

When marriage is approached with the understanding that happiness is a byproduct of commitment rather than the primary objective, couples are more likely to build enduring relationships. Happiness in marriage stems from deep connection, shared experiences, and the ability to navigate life’s challenges together. Expecting marriage to provide happiness without effort is like expecting a garden to flourish without watering and tending to it.

Instead of asking, “Will marriage make me happy?” a more constructive question is, “Am I ready to commit, grow, and build a life with this person?” When happiness is viewed as a natural consequence of a healthy relationship rather than the sole reason for getting married, couples are better prepared for the realities of a lifelong partnership.

If the primary reason for getting married is to be happy, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Happiness is not a permanent state but a byproduct of commitment, mutual support, and shared purpose. A fulfilling marriage requires effort, resilience, and a willingness to grow together, rather than expecting one’s partner to be a constant source of joy. Those who enter marriage with the right mindset—one of dedication and mutual enrichment—are far more likely to experience lasting satisfaction and a deeper, more meaningful connection.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a seasoned clinical social worker with over 25 years of experience, serving the London, Kentucky area through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Known for his compassionate approach and commitment to quality care, Mr. Collier supports individuals and families with a focus on mental health and well-being. He is available for professional inquiries at (606) 657–0532, extension 101, or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It’s the Little Things: Everyday Gratitude as a Booster Shot for Romantic Relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217–233.
  • Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The Suffocation of Marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow Without Enough Oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 1–41.
  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  • Lucas, R. E., Clark, A. E., Georgellis, Y., & Diener, E. (2003). Reexamining Adaptation and the Set Point Model of Happiness: Reactions to Changes in Marital Status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(3), 527–539.
  • Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Penguin.
Telling Your Child “No” Without a Good Explanation

The word “no” is an essential part of parenting, helping children understand boundaries, safety, and appropriate behavior. However, simply saying “no” without offering an explanation can lead to frustration, confusion, and resistance from children. Research in developmental psychology and child behavior suggests that explaining the reasoning behind a “no” can foster better communication, cognitive development, and emotional regulation in children (Grolnick et al., 2007).

This article explores the importance of providing explanations when setting boundaries for children and how this approach can benefit their emotional and cognitive growth.

The Psychology Behind “No”

Children are naturally curious and seek to understand the world around them. When a parent tells a child “no” without an explanation, the child may not grasp the reasoning behind the restriction. This lack of understanding can lead to:

  • Increased frustration and defiance (Baumrind, 1991)
  • Reduced trust in parental guidance (Grusec & Goodnow, 1994)
  • Impaired problem-solving and decision-making skills (Deci & Ryan, 1985)

On the other hand, when parents provide an explanation, it allows the child to process the logic behind the rule, making them more likely to accept and internalize it (Smetana, 2011).

The Benefits of Explaining “No”

1. Encourages Critical Thinking and Decision-Making

Explaining “no” helps children develop reasoning skills. For example, if a child asks to eat candy before dinner, simply saying “no” may lead to frustration. Instead, saying, “We need to eat healthy food first so that your body gets the right nutrients. After dinner, you can have a small treat,” teaches the child about nutrition and decision-making (Piaget, 1952).

2. Reduces Defiance and Power Struggles

Children are more likely to comply when they understand the logic behind a rule. Research on authoritative parenting shows that children raised with explanations and open discussions are less likely to exhibit defiant behaviors than those raised with authoritarian approaches (Baumrind, 1991).

3. Strengthens Parent-Child Relationships

A child who receives explanations for parental decisions feels respected and valued. This approach fosters a stronger, more trusting relationship between parent and child, encouraging open communication and cooperation (Grolnick et al., 2007).

4. Teaches Emotional Regulation and Empathy

When parents explain the reasons behind restrictions, children learn to regulate their emotions and consider others’ perspectives. For example, saying, “You can’t grab that toy from your friend because it will make them sad,” helps a child understand social dynamics and empathy (Hoffman, 2000).

How to Effectively Explain “No”

  1. Be Clear and Age-Appropriate – Tailor explanations to the child’s level of understanding. A toddler may need a simple reason, while an older child can handle more complex explanations.
  2. Keep It Brief and Direct – Avoid over-explaining or lecturing, as young children have short attention spans.
  3. Use Positive Language – Instead of focusing on what the child cannot do, offer alternatives. For example, “You can’t run inside, but you can run outside,” maintains the boundary while redirecting the behavior.
  4. Encourage Questions – Allow children to ask questions about rules, which can further reinforce their understanding.
  5. Be Consistent – Ensure that explanations align with family values and remain consistent across situations.

Telling a child “no” without an explanation can lead to resistance, confusion, and frustration. By providing a rationale, parents help children develop cognitive, emotional, and social skills while fostering a respectful and cooperative relationship. Research supports that authoritative parenting—characterized by warmth, communication, and explanations—produces well-adjusted, independent, and empathetic children (Baumrind, 1991).

As parents, guiding children with reasoning and respect ensures they not only understand boundaries but also learn critical life skills that will benefit them in the long run.

References

  • Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
  • Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human behavior. Springer.
  • Grolnick, W. S., Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2007). Autonomy support in parenting: The role of structure. Handbook of Parenting, 1, 97-118.
  • Grusec, J. E., & Goodnow, J. J. (1994). Impact of parental discipline methods on the child’s internalization of values: A reconceptualization of current points of view. Developmental Psychology, 30(1), 4-19.
  • Hoffman, M. L. (2000). Empathy and moral development: Implications for caring and justice. Cambridge University Press.
  • Piaget, J. (1952). The origins of intelligence in children. Norton.
  • Smetana, J. G. (2011). Adolescents, families, and social development: How teens construct their worlds. Wiley.
Respecting Your Relationship’s Privacy: A Guide to Building Trust and Intimacy

In today’s hyper-connected world, maintaining privacy in your romantic relationship can be challenging. However, respecting your relationship’s privacy is vital for fostering trust, intimacy, and a healthy emotional connection. By setting boundaries and managing external influences, you can protect the sanctity of your partnership. This article explores strategies to respect and uphold relationship privacy.

Why Relationship Privacy Matters

Privacy in a relationship refers to the boundaries and mutual understanding about what aspects of the partnership remain between the two individuals. It does not imply secrecy but emphasizes the need for discretion and protection of intimate details from outside interference. Research indicates that healthy boundaries around privacy contribute to relationship satisfaction and emotional security (Mark, 2019).

Strategies to Respect Relationship Privacy

1. Establish Mutual Boundaries

Communicating openly with your partner about what should remain private helps set expectations. For instance, details about arguments, financial matters, or personal insecurities are often best kept within the relationship.

Tip: Create a “privacy agreement” where both partners share their preferences and boundaries to avoid misunderstandings (Smith & Peterson, 2020).

2. Limit Oversharing on Social Media

Social media can blur the lines of privacy. While sharing joyful moments is natural, overexposing the relationship’s dynamics can lead to external judgment or unsolicited advice. Studies show that couples who maintain some level of privacy on social media report higher satisfaction and trust (Carroll et al., 2021).

Actionable Step: Avoid posting during conflicts or sharing sensitive details without your partner’s consent.

3. Protect Your Partner’s Vulnerabilities

In a relationship, you often become privy to your partner’s deepest fears and insecurities. Sharing such information with others can lead to feelings of betrayal. Trust is built on the assurance that vulnerabilities are safe within the relationship.

4. Handle Conflicts Privately

Disagreements are natural in any relationship, but discussing them publicly or with third parties can harm the bond. Research suggests that resolving conflicts within the relationship fosters intimacy and problem-solving skills (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Practice: Instead of venting to friends or family, address issues directly with your partner.

5. Be Discreet About Sexual Intimacy

Details about your sexual relationship should remain private unless both partners agree otherwise. This ensures that intimacy stays special and protected from external opinions.

6. Seek Outside Support Wisely

While maintaining privacy is important, there are situations, such as abuse or unresolved conflicts, where seeking external help is necessary. Counseling or therapy provides a confidential space to address issues without compromising the relationship’s privacy.

Common Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them

1. Unintentional Oversharing: It’s easy to overshare in casual conversations. Be mindful of what you disclose and always ask yourself if your partner would be comfortable with the information being shared.

2. Third-Party Interference: Relying too much on others for relationship advice can dilute the bond. Instead, prioritize open communication with your partner.

3. Technology Breaches: Sharing passwords or accessing your partner’s devices without permission undermines trust. Respect digital boundaries to ensure privacy (Thompson, 2020).

Conclusion

Respecting your relationship’s privacy is a cornerstone of a strong partnership. By establishing boundaries, limiting external interference, and prioritizing open communication, couples can create a secure and intimate connection. While seeking external support is necessary in some cases, the foundation of trust lies in safeguarding the relationship’s personal dynamics.

This article was written by John S Collier MSWLCSW. John has over 25 years experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the executive Director in outpatient behavioral health therapist in Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health in London Kentucky. He may be reached at 606-657-0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected]

References

• Carroll, J., Smith, R., & Brown, T. (2021). Social Media and Relationship Satisfaction: The Role of Privacy Management. Journal of Personal and Social Relationships, 38(3), 456-472.

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

• Mark, C. (2019). Boundaries and Emotional Security in Romantic Relationships. Psychology Today. Retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com.

• Smith, K., & Peterson, L. (2020). Effective Communication in Intimate Relationships. Journal of Couple and Family Psychology, 9(4), 123-139.

• Thompson, A. (2020). Digital Privacy in Relationships: Navigating Trust and Boundaries. Cyberpsychology and Behavior, 23(2), 102-109.

Understanding Impulsivity: A Guide for Teens

Impulsivity is a term that you might have heard before, but what does it really mean, and how does it affect your life? For teenagers, understanding impulsivity is especially important because the teenage years are a time of significant brain development and decision-making. Let’s break it down.

What is Impulsivity?

Impulsivity refers to acting on a whim or without thinking about the consequences. It’s when you make a decision or take action quickly, without pausing to consider whether it’s a good idea or not. While everyone acts impulsively sometimes, for some people, impulsivity happens more often and can lead to challenges in school, relationships, and personal growth.

Why Are Teens More Impulsive?

During your teenage years, your brain is still developing, especially the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for decision-making, planning, and self-control. Meanwhile, the amygdala, which drives emotions and impulsive reactions, is highly active. This imbalance can make it harder to think through actions before you take them. It’s not your fault—it’s just how your brain works during this stage of life (Casey et al., 2008; Steinberg, 2013).

Examples of Impulsivity

Impulsivity can show up in different ways, such as:

  • Blurting out answers in class before the teacher finishes the question.
  • Interrupting conversations without waiting for your turn to speak.
  • Taking risks, like skipping homework to play video games or trying something dangerous without thinking about safety.
  • Spending money quickly on things you don’t need instead of saving for something important.

Positive and Negative Sides of Impulsivity

Impulsivity isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, being spontaneous can lead to exciting experiences, like trying a new hobby or making a new friend. However, when impulsivity leads to poor choices or harmful consequences, it becomes a problem.

For instance, acting on an impulse might result in:

  • Getting into arguments because you said something without thinking.
  • Losing trust with friends or family because of reckless decisions.
  • Struggling with schoolwork due to procrastination or distractions.

How to Manage Impulsivity

The good news is that you can learn to manage impulsivity with practice and support. Here are some strategies:

  1. Pause Before Acting: When you feel the urge to act quickly, count to ten or take a deep breath. This gives your brain time to catch up and think.
  2. Set Goals: Having clear goals can help you focus and avoid impulsive decisions that might derail your plans.
  3. Practice Self-Reflection: After making a decision, reflect on what went well and what you could improve next time.
  4. Ask for Help: Talk to a trusted adult, teacher, or counselor if impulsivity is causing problems in your life.

When to Seek Support

If impulsivity is making it hard for you to succeed in school, maintain friendships, or stay safe, it’s important to reach out for help. Conditions like ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) are often linked with impulsivity, and professionals can offer tools and treatments to help manage it (American Psychiatric Association, 2013; Barkley, 2015).

Conclusion

Impulsivity is a natural part of being a teenager, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding why it happens and using strategies to manage it, you can make smarter decisions and take control of your actions. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it—your future self will thank you.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the Social Work field. He currently serves as the Executive Director and Outpatient Behavioral Health Therapist at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC based out of London Kentucky. Me may be reached at (606) 657-0532 Ext 101 or by email [email protected].

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment (4th ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Casey, B. J., Jones, R. M., & Hare, T. A. (2008). The adolescent brain. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1124(1), 111–126. https://doi.org/10.1196/annals.1440.010

Diamond, A. (2013). Executive functions. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 135–168. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-113011-143750

Steinberg, L. (2013). The influence of neuroscience on US Supreme Court decisions about adolescents’ criminal culpability. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 14(7), 513–518. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn3509

Tamm, L., & Nakonezny, P. A. (2020). Executive function and impulsivity in adolescent decision making. Journal of Adolescence, 80, 64–70. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2020.02.003