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Archives October 2024

What to Do When Your Teenager Feels They Aren’t Treated Fairly

It’s common for teenagers to feel misunderstood or unfairly treated at home. Whether it’s about rules, responsibilities, or privileges, teens are at an age when they’re figuring out who they are and are especially sensitive to fairness. If your teenager tells you they don’t feel treated fairly, this can be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and help them develop resilience and perspective.

 Understanding the Teenage Perspective on Fairness

During adolescence, children experience significant cognitive and emotional growth, which affects their view of fairness. According to Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a developmental psychologist, teens are increasingly aware of social justice and equality, which extends to how they view their place in the family. They’re also developing their own identity, which can lead to greater sensitivity when they feel they’re being treated unfairly compared to siblings or friends .

Fairness, however, doesn’t always mean treating everyone exactly the same. Psychologist Dr. Michael Thompson explains that fairness is about meeting each child’s individual needs. Parents often make decisions based on a teen’s maturity, needs, or abilities, which can sometimes lead teens to feel that others are getting special treatment .

 Responding Supportively When Your Teen Expresses Feelings of Unfairness

When your teen says they feel unfairly treated, responding in a supportive and constructive way can help them feel valued and understood. Here are some strategies:

 1. Listen Without Judgment

  • When your teen tells you they feel unfairly treated, listen calmly and let them explain their feelings without interruption. According to Dr. John Gottman, an expert in family relationships, active listening can make children feel respected and valued, which helps foster a trusting and open relationship .
  • Try to validate their feelings by saying things like, “I understand that you feel this way,” even if you don’t agree. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing, but it lets your teen know their emotions are acknowledged.

 2. Explain Fairness Versus Equality

  • Fairness in parenting often means giving each child what they need, which may look different depending on age, maturity, and individual needs. For example, a younger sibling might have a different bedtime or a different set of responsibilities. Explaining the difference between fairness and equality can help your teen see why each family member might be treated differently.
  • Family therapist Dr. Jane Nelsen explains that explaining this distinction can reduce resentment and help children understand that they are not being “punished” or unfairly limited, but rather given what’s appropriate for their stage of development .

 3. Ask Questions to Understand Their Perspective

  • To fully understand why your teen feels unfairly treated, ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?” or “What would make this situation feel fairer to you?” Open-ended questions help you see things from their perspective and show your teen that you’re genuinely interested in understanding their feelings .
  • Research shows that when teens feel heard and understood by their parents, they’re more likely to accept decisions, even if they don’t fully agree .

 4. Acknowledge Your Own Mistakes

  • If there are times when you realize you may have been unfair without realizing it, don’t be afraid to admit it. Admitting mistakes can strengthen trust between you and your teen and show them that fairness matters to you as well.
  • Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and family relationships, argues that admitting mistakes as a parent models accountability and teaches teens that it’s okay to acknowledge imperfections .

 Setting Clear Expectations and Boundaries

While understanding their feelings is important, consistency is key. Clear boundaries help teenagers feel secure and understand why rules are in place. Setting expectations and explaining the reasons behind rules can make them seem fairer to your teen.

 1. Discuss Expectations Openly

  • Have conversations with your teen about what is expected of them and why. When parents and teens discuss expectations together, it helps clarify boundaries and can prevent feelings of unfairness. For instance, explaining why curfews differ based on age or responsibility level can make the rules seem more reasonable .
  • Psychologist Dr. Wendy Mogel suggests involving teens in discussions about rules, which makes them feel more invested and responsible for their own actions .

 2. Be Consistent with Consequences

  • Consistency helps teens understand that rules apply to everyone in the family. If consequences are only enforced sometimes, teens may feel that rules are unfairly applied.
  • Consistent consequences, when applied in a fair and non-emotional way, reinforce the idea that rules are about safety and responsibility, not favoritism.

 Helping Your Teen Build Resilience and Perspective

Feelings of unfairness can be an opportunity for growth. Learning to handle situations that feel unfair helps teenagers develop resilience and prepares them for situations outside the family.

 1. Encourage Problem-Solving Skills

  • If your teen feels that a situation is unfair, work with them to brainstorm ways to improve it. For example, if they feel they have too many chores compared to a sibling, you might discuss a more balanced approach or find ways to rotate tasks. This teaches them to address perceived unfairness in constructive ways .
  • Studies show that encouraging teens to engage in problem-solving fosters independence and resilience, helping them deal with challenges throughout life .

 2. Model Empathy and Perspective-Taking

  • Encourage your teen to consider others’ perspectives as well. Ask questions like, “Why do you think your sibling might have different responsibilities?” or “How do you think we try to balance everyone’s needs?” This teaches empathy and helps your teen see family dynamics in a broader context.
  • Research by developmental psychologist Dr. Nancy Eisenberg suggests that teaching empathy and perspective-taking can enhance social skills and emotional intelligence in adolescents .

 Wrapping It Up: Fairness, Understanding, and Family Growth

Feeling unfairly treated is a common experience for teens, and how parents respond can shape their future interactions with others. By listening, validating feelings, explaining fairness versus equality, and involving them in discussions about expectations, you can build a more open and trusting relationship with your teen. And when misunderstandings occur, remember that these moments are opportunities to strengthen family bonds, build resilience, and help your teenager feel valued.

Every family dynamic is unique, and while it may not always be possible to avoid feelings of unfairness, responding with empathy, consistency, and open communication can help your teenager feel respected and understood.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

 References

1. Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

2. Thompson, M. (2009). It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18. Ballantine Books.

3. Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. Simon & Schuster.

4. Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teens and Yourself Through Kind and Firm Parenting. Ballantine Books.

5. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Books.

6. Mogel, W. (2008). The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers. Scribner.

7. Eisenberg, N., & Spinrad, T. L. (2004). “Emotion-Related Regulation: Its Role in the Development of Empathy and Prosocial Behavior.” Annual Review of Psychology, 55, 535–570.

Feeling Like You’re Not Treated Fairly in Your Family: A Guide for Teens

It’s not unusual to feel like you’re being treated unfairly in your family. Maybe it seems like your siblings get more freedom, or perhaps you feel like your parents don’t listen to you as much as they should. Whatever the case, feeling overlooked or misunderstood can be frustrating. Learning how to handle these feelings can make a big difference in your family relationships and help you feel more understood and respected at home.

 Understanding Why You Might Feel This Way

Feeling like you’re not treated fairly can come from a lot of places. Sometimes it’s about comparing yourself to siblings, while other times it might be about feeling that your parents don’t understand your perspective. According to Dr. Karen Bogenschneider, a family relationship expert, teens often struggle with perceived inequality, especially if parents treat siblings differently. It’s natural to want fairness, but every family member may need different things at different times, which can sometimes look like favoritism .

 Fairness Doesn’t Always Mean Equality

One important thing to understand is that fairness and equality aren’t the same thing. Fairness is about getting what you need, while equality is about getting exactly the same thing as others. For example, if one of your siblings is younger, your parents might give them more help with schoolwork, while they trust you to work independently. This isn’t unfair; it’s just that your parents recognize you might not need as much guidance.

Dr. Michael Thompson, a psychologist who specializes in family dynamics, points out that parents make decisions based on each child’s unique needs and maturity level . So while it may look like your parents are treating you differently, it’s often because they’re considering what they think will work best for you individually.

 Communicating Your Feelings

When you feel like you’re not being treated fairly, it’s important to express those feelings constructively. Here’s how to have a calm and effective conversation with your family:

 1. Pick the Right Time

– Try to bring up your feelings during a calm moment when everyone is relaxed, rather than during an argument or right after something has upset you. According to the American Psychological Association, timing matters when it comes to discussing emotional issues; waiting until everyone is calm can make for a more positive conversation .

 2. Use “I Statements”

– Rather than saying, “You’re always unfair!” try saying, “I feel frustrated when I see my siblings getting different rules than I do.” “I statements” focus on your feelings and are less likely to make others defensive. Psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg suggests that using “I statements” helps people express their needs in a way that promotes understanding and reduces conflict .

 3. Ask Questions to Understand Your Parents’ Perspective

– You might say, “Can you help me understand why I have a different curfew than my sibling?” Asking questions can help you see things from your parents’ point of view, and it also shows them that you’re willing to listen.

Focusing on Your Strengths

Feeling like you’re not being treated fairly can sometimes make you feel less valued. During these times, it’s helpful to remember what makes you unique and focus on your strengths. Studies show that when teens focus on their own strengths, they tend to feel more confident and less affected by comparisons to others .

If you’re feeling overlooked, remind yourself of the things you’re good at and the positive qualities you bring to your family. Whether it’s your sense of humor, your creativity, or your ability to listen, every family member has unique strengths.

 Building Healthy Family Relationships

Maintaining a positive relationship with your family can be challenging, especially if you’re feeling misunderstood. However, working on those relationships can be rewarding and help you feel more connected to your family. Here are some tips for building healthy relationships at home:

 1. Show Appreciation

– Recognize the good things your family members do, even if it’s something small like making dinner or helping with homework. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude, expressing appreciation can improve relationships by making people feel valued and respected .

 2. Set Boundaries Respectfully

– It’s okay to let your family know when you need some space. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, politely let them know you need a little time alone to recharge.

 3. Be Open to Compromise

– Family relationships often require compromise. For example, if you want more freedom, consider negotiating with your parents—maybe you get a later curfew on weekends if you show responsibility during the week.

Seeking Support Outside Your Family

If you’re struggling with family dynamics, it can help to talk to someone outside your family, like a friend, teacher, counselor, or mentor. According to a study published in Journal of Youth and Adolescence, teens who have strong support systems outside their family tend to have better coping skills and feel more understood . Talking to someone else can give you a fresh perspective and help you find new ways to deal with your feelings.

 Remember: Family Relationships Take Time

Family dynamics aren’t always easy, and feeling misunderstood or overlooked is a common experience for teens. But remember that family relationships are long-term. As you grow and change, so will your relationships with your family. In the meantime, learning to communicate calmly, focus on your strengths, and find support outside your family can help you handle these challenges in a positive way.

Feeling like you’re not treated fairly in your family doesn’t have to lead to conflict or resentment. By expressing your feelings constructively, focusing on what makes you unique, and building positive family relationships, you can navigate these challenges and build a stronger connection with your family over time.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  1. Bogenschneider, K. (2004). Family Policy Matters: How Policymaking Affects Families and What Professionals Can Do. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  2. Thompson, M. (2001). The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life. Ballantine Books.
  3. American Psychological Association. (2021). “Discussing Tough Topics with Family.” APA. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/.
  4. Rosenberg, M. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
  5. Waters, L., & Sun, J. (2017). “The Impact of Strength-Based Parenting on Life Satisfaction and Subjective Wellbeing of Adolescents.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 46(4), 848-861.
  6. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.
  7. Dubow, E. F., & Ullman, D. G. (1989). “Support, Stress, and Psychological Symptoms Among Early Adolescents.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 18(3), 191–204.
Be Intentional with the Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It creates emotional, physical, and mental bonds that bring couples closer and strengthen their connection. However, as relationships evolve, life’s pressures can lead to intimacy taking a back seat, often resulting in emotional distance. To maintain a vibrant and loving relationship, it’s crucial to be intentional with intimacy—whether it’s emotional, physical, or sexual. By being purposeful and mindful about nurturing closeness, couples can prevent drift and reignite the spark.

 The Importance of Intentional Intimacy

Intentional intimacy refers to the conscious effort to foster closeness and connection in a relationship. Unlike the spontaneous passion that may occur in the early stages of romance, intentional intimacy requires ongoing dedication, particularly in long-term relationships. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship dynamics, asserts that couples who consistently prioritize emotional and physical connection are more likely to maintain a happy and fulfilling relationship over time. According to Gottman, small, intentional gestures of intimacy build emotional “love maps,” strengthening the bond between partners.

 Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of Connection

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires with your partner in a way that promotes vulnerability and trust. However, this level of connection doesn’t happen automatically; it requires effort and communication.

To be intentional about emotional intimacy, couples must create spaces for deep conversations. This could involve setting aside time for regular check-ins, where both partners can share their feelings openly. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that “secure attachment” is critical to emotional intimacy, as it allows partners to feel safe and supported by one another. This sense of security leads to greater emotional closeness and satisfaction in the relationship .

 Tips to Cultivate Emotional Intimacy:

  • Schedule regular “talk time”: Dedicate time each week for uninterrupted conversation where you both share thoughts, worries, and dreams.
  • Practice active listening: Show genuine interest in your partner’s experiences and validate their emotions. This strengthens emotional trust.
  • Share appreciations daily: Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s qualities and actions nurtures a positive emotional climate.

 Physical Intimacy: Small Gestures with Big Impact

Physical intimacy is not limited to sexual activity; it also includes everyday gestures like holding hands, hugging, and cuddling. Research shows that physical touch can significantly impact relationship satisfaction by boosting oxytocin levels, also known as the “bonding hormone,” which fosters feelings of connection and security.

Being intentional with physical intimacy involves incorporating these gestures into your daily routine. Small acts, such as a hug before leaving for work or holding hands during a walk, can be powerful ways to maintain closeness. Physical affection communicates love, care, and comfort, helping partners feel valued and connected even during stressful times.

 Ways to Enhance Physical Intimacy:

  • Increase non-sexual touch: Hugs, kisses, holding hands, and gentle touches are important ways to stay physically connected.
  • Create physical routines: For example, commit to greeting each other with a hug after a long day or cuddling for a few minutes before bed.
  • Make space for sexual intimacy: While everyday touch is important, carving out time for sexual connection helps keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive.

 Sexual Intimacy: Rediscovering Passion with Purpose

Sexual intimacy is an essential part of most romantic relationships, and over time, it can become less frequent or less satisfying if not intentionally prioritized. Many couples assume that sexual connection will naturally occur, but as relationships progress and life becomes busier, this often isn’t the case.

Sex therapist Esther Perel argues that to sustain passion in a long-term relationship, couples must balance intimacy with desire. Intentionality in the sexual relationship might involve scheduling time for intimacy, exploring new ways to connect, or discussing each partner’s desires and boundaries . This level of communication fosters trust and helps partners feel safe expressing their needs.

 Strategies for Reigniting Sexual Intimacy:

  • Schedule time for intimacy: While it may seem unromantic, planning for intimacy ensures that it remains a priority amidst busy schedules.
  • Explore together: Be open to trying new activities, discussing fantasies, or changing the environment to rediscover desire.
  • Communicate openly about desires: Honest conversations about sexual needs and boundaries help ensure both partners feel satisfied and respected.

 The Power of Intentional Acts of Love

In a fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in work, parenting, or other responsibilities, leaving little time for nurturing intimacy. However, small, intentional acts of love can be transformative. Whether it’s a simple “I love you” text during the day, a thoughtful compliment, or spending five minutes hugging, these gestures remind your partner that they are cherished and loved.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the “Five Love Languages” offers insight into how couples can be intentional in expressing love in ways that are meaningful to their partner. By learning whether your partner values words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, you can engage in targeted acts of love that resonate deeply .

 Building a Culture of Intentional Intimacy

Being intentional about intimacy doesn’t mean grand gestures or elaborate plans—it means consistently showing up for your partner and nurturing the connection. As author Brene Brown explains, vulnerability is key to fostering true intimacy. When couples intentionally create space for vulnerability, they build a deeper emotional and physical connection that sustains their relationship over time .

 Practical Steps for Building Intentional Intimacy:

  1. Schedule regular date nights: Make time for each other away from the stresses of daily life to focus on the relationship.
  2. Check-in daily: Even a brief conversation about your day can keep you emotionally connected.
  3. Celebrate small moments: Intimacy grows through appreciating the small, everyday moments of life together.
  4. Express affection frequently: Whether through words or touch, let your partner know they are loved.

 Conclusion

Intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. Being intentional about emotional, physical, and sexual closeness fosters deeper connections, strengthens trust, and rekindles passion. By making small but meaningful efforts to prioritize intimacy, couples can move beyond autopilot and rediscover the love and connection that brought them together in the first place.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

How to Stop Being Roommates and Start Being Lovers Again:  Part 2 Prioritizing Intimacy

In long-term relationships, it’s common for couples to fall into a routine where they feel more like roommates than lovers. The pressures of daily life, such as work, children, and household responsibilities, can erode intimacy over time. As passion fades, couples may find themselves living parallel lives, disconnected emotionally and physically. However, reigniting the flame is possible. By prioritizing intimacy, couples can reconnect and move from being mere roommates back to lovers.

 Understanding the “Roommate Syndrome”

The “roommate syndrome” occurs when partners cohabit but feel emotionally distant, interact primarily out of necessity, and rarely engage in activities that foster closeness. This phenomenon can result in feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment. According to psychologist John Gottman, emotional neglect is one of the primary reasons couples drift apart. In Gottman’s research, happy couples maintain emotional intimacy by continually turning toward each other for connection rather than turning away or ignoring one another .

 Why Intimacy Matters

Intimacy is essential to a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship. It involves emotional connection, physical affection, and mutual vulnerability. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that intimacy creates a sense of security and belonging in relationships . Without intimacy, partners may feel unloved and unimportant, which can eventually erode the foundation of the relationship. Prioritizing intimacy can help rebuild emotional bonds and create an environment where romance can flourish again.

Strategies to Rebuild Intimacy

  1. Make Time for Each Other

One of the most effective ways to reconnect is to intentionally carve out time for your partner. According to a study by the National Marriage Project, couples who spend quality time together at least once a week are more likely to experience higher levels of marital satisfaction . Date nights, shared hobbies, or simply taking a walk together can create opportunities for meaningful conversation and emotional connection.

  • Communicate Openly and Honestly

Open communication is crucial for intimacy. Partners need to express their desires, fears, and frustrations without fear of judgment. Regular check-ins where each partner shares their thoughts and feelings can help ensure that both are on the same page. In Dr. Harville Hendrix’s “Imago Relationship Therapy,” couples are encouraged to use conscious dialogue, which involves listening without interrupting and validating the other person’s emotions . This type of communication fosters emotional intimacy and reduces conflict.

  • Reignite Physical Affection

Physical intimacy is a key component of romantic relationships. While emotional closeness is crucial, physical affection also plays a significant role in reigniting passion. Studies show that physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or cuddling, releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which enhances bonding and emotional closeness . Making time for non-sexual physical affection can strengthen the relationship, leading to a more fulfilling sexual connection as well.

  • Prioritize Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy often diminishes in long-term relationships due to stress, fatigue, or routine. However, a healthy sexual relationship is important for many couples to feel close and connected. To rekindle the sexual spark, couples may need to approach intimacy with intention. Sex therapist Esther Perel suggests that desire requires distance, novelty, and excitement . Couples can reignite passion by trying new experiences, exploring fantasies, or simply setting aside uninterrupted time to be intimate.

  • Practice Gratitude and Affirmation

It’s easy to take each other for granted after years of partnership, but practicing gratitude can help reignite feelings of appreciation and love. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude research, expressing gratitude helps partners feel valued and strengthens the emotional bond between them . Couples can incorporate gratitude into their daily lives by acknowledging and thanking each other for small gestures, thereby fostering a more positive and loving atmosphere.

  • Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes, the emotional and physical distance between partners requires professional guidance to bridge. Couples therapy can provide tools to rebuild intimacy, improve communication, and address unresolved conflicts. Therapies such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been shown to be effective in helping couples reconnect and repair their relationship  .

 The Power of Small Gestures

Small daily gestures of love and affection can make a significant difference in rebuilding intimacy. Even seemingly insignificant acts, like making your partner coffee in the morning, leaving a kind note, or complimenting them, can show that you care. These moments of connection can accumulate over time, creating a foundation for deeper emotional and physical intimacy.

Revitalizing a relationship and moving from roommates to lovers again requires effort and commitment from both partners. By prioritizing intimacy—through communication, physical affection, shared experiences, and practicing gratitude—couples can restore their emotional and physical connection. Ultimately, rebuilding intimacy strengthens the relationship, making it more resilient to the challenges of life and deepening the bond between partners.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. National Marriage Project. (2011). “The Date Night Opportunity: What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Quality of Relationships?” University of Virginia.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  7. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.

Halloween Safety: Home Safety for Trick-or-Treaters

If you’re handing out candy or decorating your home, ensure it’s safe for trick-or-treaters:

  1. Clear Walkways: Make sure your front yard, driveway, and sidewalks are free of obstacles like hoses, decorations, or loose branches that could cause someone to trip.
  2. Light Up Your Home: Keep the outside of your home well-lit to prevent falls and signal to trick-or-treaters that you’re participating in the holiday.
  3. Use Battery-Powered Candles: Instead of real candles, opt for battery-powered LED candles in pumpkins or luminaries to reduce fire hazards.
Men, Are You a Husband Worth Submitting To?

In many faith-based contexts, the idea of a wife “submitting” to her husband is often cited from biblical passages, notably Ephesians 5:22, which states, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” However, this concept has been a subject of much discussion and, at times, controversy. The key question that arises from this teaching is not just about whether women should submit, but also, what kind of husband a woman is being asked to submit to. This shifts the focus to men: are you a husband worthy of submission?

Submission as Partnership, Not Dominance

First and foremost, it’s important to dispel any misunderstanding that submission equates to servitude or a power hierarchy where the husband has unilateral control over the wife. In fact, many Christian theologians emphasize that biblical submission is a call to mutual respect and partnership, not oppression. Ephesians 5:25 offers a counterbalance to the call for wives to submit, stating, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Christ’s love was sacrificial and servant-hearted. A husband worthy of submission is one who leads not with an iron fist but with humility, service, and selflessness. As scholar Craig Keener notes, “The husband is called to a standard of love that is sacrificial to the point of laying down his life if necessary, which suggests that submission, in turn, would never be a demand made in self-interest.” The question then becomes, are you, as a husband, showing the same sacrificial love toward your wife?

Leadership Rooted in Love and Sacrifice

A husband who is worth submitting to is one who takes his role as a leader seriously, but that leadership is modeled after Christ’s example of loving service. In this context, leadership is not about being in charge but rather about taking responsibility for the well-being of the household. Biblical commentator John Piper emphasizes that “submission is a divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” This means that leadership in the home should create an environment where the wife feels valued, respected, and cherished.

Leadership rooted in love means that a husband listens, values his wife’s opinions, and seeks her good above his own. It means being present, both physically and emotionally, and taking active steps to build her up. A husband who neglects these duties, or worse, abuses his role, cannot expect his wife to follow willingly. Respect is earned through actions, not demanded by title alone.

Accountability and Growth in Marriage

Another key aspect of being a husband worthy of submission is a willingness to grow and be accountable. No one enters marriage with perfect knowledge or understanding of how to be an ideal partner. The journey of marriage is about continuous improvement and mutual growth. A husband must be open to feedback from his wife and willing to adjust his behavior when necessary.

As noted by Christian counselor Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage, “Marriage is a process that God uses to shape our character and make us more Christ-like.” A husband who is open to personal growth, who seeks to improve and work through challenges together with his wife, is one who demonstrates the humility necessary for true leadership.

Emotional and Spiritual Support

Lastly, a husband worth submitting to provides both emotional and spiritual support. A wife should feel secure in her relationship, knowing that her husband is a source of strength, love, and guidance. This includes praying together, making joint decisions based on faith, and encouraging spiritual growth within the family.

The writer and speaker Timothy Keller, in his book The Meaning of Marriage, stresses the importance of spiritual intimacy, stating that “marriage is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us.” This spiritual journey is one where both partners play crucial roles, and the husband, as a spiritual leader, should be proactive in fostering an environment where both can grow closer to God.

Conclusion: Worthy of Submission?

Being a husband worth submitting to is about more than just fulfilling a traditional role. It’s about embodying Christ-like love, servant leadership, emotional support, and a commitment to growth. Submission in marriage, when practiced correctly, is not about hierarchy but about mutual respect and love.

Husbands, the real question to ask yourself is this: are you leading with love, humility, and service in a way that reflects Christ? Only then can submission be seen not as an obligation but as a joyful partnership between two people seeking to honor God in their relationship.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  1. The Holy Bible, New International Version, Ephesians 5:22-25.
  2. Keener, Craig. Paul, Women, and Wives: Marriage and Women’s Ministry in the Letters of Paul. Baker Academic, 1992.
  3. Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence. Crossway, 2009.
  4. Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? Zondervan, 2000.
  5. Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. Penguin Books, 2011.

Using “I” Statements to Manage Anger: A Guide for Teens

Teens often experience intense emotions as they navigate the challenges of adolescence. One of the most common emotions that can be difficult to manage is anger. Whether it’s due to conflicts with friends, family, or school pressures, anger can quickly escalate if not handled in a healthy way. One effective communication tool that can help manage anger is the use of “I” statements. In this article, we will explore how teens can use “I” statements to express their feelings more constructively and reduce the likelihood of conflicts.

What Are “I” Statements?

“I” statements are a way of expressing your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing others. They allow you to take ownership of your emotions and communicate them assertively. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” (a “you” statement), you would say, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard” (an “I” statement). This shift in communication style can help diffuse tension and encourage more productive conversations (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021).

Why “I” Statements Work

When teens use “you” statements, it can come across as blaming or criticizing, which often leads to defensiveness and escalates conflict. “I” statements, on the other hand, focus on the speaker’s feelings and the impact of a situation rather than accusing the other person. This approach makes it easier for others to understand and respond to your needs without feeling attacked (Child Mind Institute, 2020).

By using “I” statements, teens can:

  • Express their feelings without escalating anger.
  • Take responsibility for their emotions.
  • Encourage open and honest communication.
  • Reduce misunderstandings and conflict.

How to Use “I” Statements When Angry

  1. Start with “I feel”
  • The first part of an “I” statement is to identify your emotion. For example, “I feel upset,” “I feel frustrated,” or “I feel hurt.” This focuses the conversation on your emotional experience rather than blaming the other person (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Describe the Situation
  • The second part of the statement explains what situation or behavior caused you to feel this way. For example, “I feel upset when you interrupt me,” or “I feel frustrated when I’m not included in decisions.” This provides context without sounding accusatory (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. State the Impact
  • Next, describe how the situation impacts you or why it matters. For example, “I feel left out when I’m not part of the conversation,” or “I feel stressed when plans change suddenly.” This part helps others understand why the issue is important to you (APA, 2021).
  1. Suggest a Solution or Request
  • Finally, suggest a way to resolve the issue or express what you need moving forward. For example, “I need to be included in decisions that affect me,” or “I would appreciate it if you could give me a heads-up when plans change.” This helps the other person understand how they can help meet your needs (Friedman, 2020).

Examples of “I” Statements

Here are some common situations where teens might feel angry, along with examples of how to use “I” statements:

  • Situation: Your friend cancels plans at the last minute.
  • You Statement: “You always cancel on me!”
  • I Statement: “I feel disappointed when plans get canceled at the last minute because I was really looking forward to hanging out.”
  • Situation: Your sibling goes into your room without permission.
  • You Statement: “You never respect my space!”
  • I Statement: “I feel upset when you go into my room without asking because I value my privacy.”
  • Situation: A classmate interrupts you during a group discussion.
  • You Statement: “You’re always interrupting me!”
  • I Statement: “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted during discussions because it makes it harder for me to share my ideas.”

Benefits of Using “I” Statements

  1. Promotes Emotional Awareness
  • When teens use “I” statements, they become more aware of their own emotions and how specific situations affect them. This emotional awareness is a crucial part of anger management because it helps teens pause, reflect, and express their feelings more thoughtfully (Torrente, 2019).
  1. Encourages Positive Communication
  • Using “I” statements fosters more open, respectful conversations. By focusing on your own feelings rather than accusing others, you reduce the likelihood of defensiveness and create a space for positive dialogue (APA, 2021).
  1. Reduces Conflict and Builds Relationships
  • Since “I” statements are less likely to trigger defensiveness, they help prevent conflicts from escalating. Teens who use this communication style are more likely to build stronger, healthier relationships with friends, family, and peers (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Promotes Problem-Solving
  • “I” statements shift the focus from blaming to finding solutions. By expressing what you need and how you feel, you make it easier for others to work with you to resolve the issue and meet your needs (Child Mind Institute, 2020).

Overcoming Challenges in Using “I” Statements

While “I” statements can be effective, it may take time and practice to use them consistently, especially in moments of anger. Here are some tips to help teens get comfortable with this communication style:

  1. Practice When Calm
  • The best time to practice “I” statements is when you’re not already upset. Try role-playing with a friend or family member so you can get used to the structure before using it in real-life situations (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Take a Break if Needed
  • If you feel too angry to communicate effectively, it’s okay to step away and cool down. After you’ve calmed down, you can return to the conversation and use an “I” statement to express your feelings (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Be Patient with Yourself
  • It’s normal for teens to struggle with new communication techniques, especially when emotions are running high. Be patient with yourself and remember that it’s okay to make mistakes as you learn how to use “I” statements more effectively (Torrente, 2019).

Conclusion

Using “I” statements is a powerful tool that helps teens manage anger, express their emotions constructively, and reduce conflicts in relationships. By focusing on their own feelings and needs rather than blaming others, teens can create more open, respectful conversations. Practicing “I” statements regularly can lead to better emotional regulation, healthier relationships, and a more peaceful way of handling anger. Over time, this skill becomes an essential part of managing emotions and improving communication.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Torrente, R. (2019). Mindfulness for Teens: Proven Techniques to Reduce Stress, Manage Emotions, and Improve Focus. Rockridge Press.

Seeking Help for Anger Management: A Guide for Teens

Anger is a natural human emotion, but when it becomes overwhelming or difficult to control, it can lead to problems in relationships, school, and personal well-being. For many teens, anger can feel like a powerful force that’s hard to manage. While it’s normal to feel angry at times, it’s essential to learn how to deal with this emotion in healthy and productive ways. Seeking help when struggling with anger is a sign of strength, not weakness. This article will explore why teens may struggle with anger, the importance of seeking help, and various ways to get the support they need.

Why Teens Struggle with Anger

Teens experience a variety of changes—physically, emotionally, and socially—that can make it hard to manage emotions like anger. Hormonal shifts during puberty, academic pressures, peer relationships, and conflicts with family can all contribute to frustration and anger. The part of the brain responsible for impulse control and decision-making, the prefrontal cortex, is still developing during adolescence, which can make emotional regulation more challenging (Giedd, 2015).

Additionally, some teens may feel that societal expectations encourage them to suppress emotions or “toughen up” instead of seeking help. This can lead to unhealthy expressions of anger, including aggression or internalizing negative feelings (Friedman, 2020).

Why Seeking Help Is Important

  1. Promotes Emotional Health
  • Seeking help for anger management is crucial for emotional health. Learning to understand and express anger in healthy ways can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, improving overall mental well-being (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Prevents Destructive Behavior
  • Uncontrolled anger can lead to destructive behaviors such as physical altercations, verbal outbursts, or damaging relationships. Seeking help provides teens with tools to manage their anger constructively, preventing these negative outcomes (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021).
  1. Builds Self-Awareness and Emotional Control
  • Working with a counselor, therapist, or trusted adult can help teens become more self-aware of their emotions and triggers. This increased awareness is the first step in developing emotional control, helping teens respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively when they’re angry (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Strengthens Relationships
  • Learning how to manage anger effectively improves relationships with friends, family, and teachers. When teens can communicate their feelings without becoming hostile, they foster healthier and more respectful connections (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).

Signs It’s Time to Seek Help for Anger

While everyone experiences anger, it’s important to recognize when it’s becoming a problem. Teens should consider seeking help if they:

  • Have frequent anger outbursts or aggressive behavior.
  • Feel constantly irritable, frustrated, or on edge.
  • Find it difficult to calm down once they get angry.
  • Experience physical symptoms of anger, such as headaches, rapid heartbeat, or tension.
  • Notice that anger is affecting their relationships with friends, family, or teachers.
  • Engage in risky or destructive behavior when angry (APA, 2021).

Where Teens Can Seek Help

  1. Talk to a Trusted Adult
  • The first step for many teens is talking to a trusted adult, such as a parent, teacher, or school counselor. These adults can offer guidance, help you understand your feelings, and suggest ways to cope with anger. They can also help connect you with additional resources if needed (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Work with a Therapist or Counselor
  • Therapy is one of the most effective ways to manage anger. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is commonly used to help teens recognize and change negative thought patterns that contribute to anger. A therapist can also teach relaxation techniques, problem-solving skills, and communication strategies to manage anger more effectively (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Join a Support Group
  • Support groups can be a great way to meet other teens dealing with similar struggles. These groups provide a safe space to talk about anger, share experiences, and learn coping strategies from peers. Many schools or community centers offer anger management groups for teens (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Use Mental Health Apps
  • There are several apps designed to help teens manage their emotions, including anger. Apps like Calm, Headspace, and MindShift offer guided meditations, breathing exercises, and mindfulness techniques that can help teens de-stress and calm down when anger arises (Torrente, 2019).

Strategies Teens Can Learn in Therapy for Anger Management

  1. Identifying Triggers
  • Therapy helps teens identify the situations, people, or events that trigger their anger. By understanding their triggers, teens can better anticipate and prepare for difficult situations (APA, 2021).
  1. Deep Breathing and Relaxation Techniques
  • Learning deep breathing exercises and relaxation techniques helps teens calm their bodies and minds when they start to feel angry. Techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness can reduce the intensity of anger and prevent outbursts (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Cognitive Restructuring
  • Cognitive restructuring involves changing the negative thoughts that fuel anger. Therapists teach teens to reframe their thinking and challenge assumptions that may be making them angrier than necessary. For example, instead of thinking, “This person is trying to embarrass me,” a more helpful thought might be, “Maybe they didn’t mean it that way” (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Assertive Communication
  • Teens learn how to express their feelings assertively, without becoming aggressive or shutting down. Assertive communication involves using “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated when…” rather than blaming others, which can prevent conflicts from escalating (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Problem-Solving Skills
  • Sometimes anger arises because of unresolved problems. Therapy can help teens develop problem-solving skills so that they can address the root causes of their frustration in healthy and constructive ways (Friedman, 2020).

Overcoming Stigma Around Seeking Help

Many teens may hesitate to seek help because of the stigma associated with mental health issues or anger management. However, it’s important to remember that seeking help is a sign of emotional strength, not weakness. Everyone needs support at times, and learning how to manage emotions like anger is a vital skill for overall well-being (Giedd, 2015). Overcoming stigma starts with understanding that mental health is just as important as physical health, and getting help is a proactive step toward a healthier and happier life.

Conclusion

Struggling with anger is common for many teens, but it’s essential to know that help is available. Whether it’s talking to a trusted adult, working with a therapist, or joining a support group, seeking help for anger management is a crucial step in improving emotional health and well-being. By learning healthy coping strategies and understanding the underlying causes of anger, teens can gain control over their emotions and build stronger relationships with those around them.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

Giedd, J. N. (2015). The Amazing Teen Brain: What Parents Need to Know. National Institute of Mental Health.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Torrente, R. (2019). Mindfulness for Teens: Proven Techniques to Reduce Stress, Manage Emotions, and Improve Focus. Rockridge Press.

Engaging in Physical Activity Can Help Control Anger

Anger is a natural emotional response that everyone experiences from time to time, but for some teens, managing anger can be especially challenging. During adolescence, intense emotions like anger may feel overwhelming due to hormonal changes, peer pressure, academic stress, and other factors. Learning how to manage anger is crucial for emotional well-being and maintaining healthy relationships. One of the most effective strategies for managing anger is engaging in physical activity. This article will explore how physical activity can help control anger, supported by psychological research and expert recommendations.

The Connection Between Physical Activity and Anger

Anger triggers the body’s “fight or flight” response, releasing stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones increase heart rate, elevate blood pressure, and prepare the body for immediate action (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021). While this response is natural, it can lead to aggressive behavior or poor decision-making if not managed appropriately.

Physical activity helps reduce the intensity of this stress response by providing an outlet for the energy generated by anger. Regular exercise not only helps release physical tension but also promotes the release of endorphins—brain chemicals that improve mood and reduce feelings of anger and frustration (Friedman, 2020).

Benefits of Physical Activity for Anger Management

  1. Reduces Physiological Arousal
  • Anger is often accompanied by physical symptoms such as muscle tension, rapid breathing, and a racing heart. Physical activity helps release this built-up energy and tension, leading to a calmer, more relaxed state. Activities like running, swimming, or cycling can lower physiological arousal and make it easier to manage anger before it escalates (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Increases Emotional Awareness
  • Exercise encourages a greater connection between the body and mind. Engaging in physical activity provides time and space to reflect on emotions, helping teens become more aware of their anger and its triggers. This awareness is the first step in managing emotional responses and finding healthy ways to cope (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Releases Endorphins and Enhances Mood
  • Physical activity boosts the production of endorphins, neurotransmitters that act as natural mood lifters. After a workout, many people report feeling calmer and more positive. This mood improvement can help teens manage their anger more effectively, as they are less likely to feel overwhelmed or frustrated after exercising (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Provides a Constructive Outlet for Anger
  • Instead of suppressing anger or letting it explode, physical activity offers a healthy and constructive outlet for intense emotions. Activities like boxing, weightlifting, or even hitting a punching bag allow teens to channel their anger into something productive, reducing the likelihood of aggressive or destructive behavior (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Improves Self-Control and Impulse Regulation
  • Regular physical activity improves executive functions like impulse control, emotional regulation, and decision-making. Exercise requires focus, discipline, and self-control, skills that carry over into other aspects of life, including emotional management. By consistently practicing these skills during workouts, teens can develop better control over their emotional responses, including anger (Galla, 2016).
  1. Reduces Stress and Anxiety
  • Chronic stress and anxiety are major contributors to anger. When stress levels are high, it becomes easier to lose patience and react impulsively. Physical activity helps reduce stress by lowering cortisol levels and promoting relaxation, making it easier to stay calm and composed in challenging situations (APA, 2021).

Types of Physical Activities That Help Manage Anger

  1. Aerobic Exercise
  • Activities like running, swimming, and cycling are excellent ways to release pent-up energy and reduce anger. Aerobic exercise increases heart rate and burns off the adrenaline and cortisol that build up during moments of frustration. It also promotes the release of endorphins, which elevate mood and improve emotional regulation.
  1. Strength Training
  • Weightlifting, resistance exercises, and bodyweight workouts require focus, discipline, and effort, making them great outlets for anger. These activities also build physical strength, which can contribute to a sense of personal control and confidence, reducing feelings of helplessness that may lead to anger (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Yoga and Pilates
  • While not as intense as aerobic or strength training exercises, yoga and Pilates are highly effective in calming the mind and body. These practices emphasize controlled breathing, mindfulness, and relaxation, which can help teens manage their anger by reducing stress and promoting a sense of inner peace (Torrente, 2019).
  1. Martial Arts
  • Martial arts such as karate, taekwondo, or jiu-jitsu can be powerful tools for anger management. These practices teach discipline, focus, and self-control while providing a controlled environment to release aggression. Learning martial arts also fosters respect for oneself and others, reducing the likelihood of outbursts (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Team Sports
  • Engaging in team sports like basketball, soccer, or volleyball allows teens to build social connections while working out their frustrations. The camaraderie and collaboration involved in team sports can improve mood and reduce feelings of isolation or frustration, which can contribute to anger (Child Mind Institute, 2020).

How to Incorporate Physical Activity into Your Routine

  1. Start Small and Gradual
  • If you’re new to exercise, start with short sessions of 15 to 20 minutes a few times a week and gradually increase the duration and intensity. This helps build consistency without feeling overwhelmed (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Find Activities You Enjoy
  • The best exercise routine is one that you enjoy and can stick to. Whether it’s dancing, hiking, playing basketball, or practicing yoga, choose activities that make you feel good and motivate you to keep going (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Use Exercise as a Coping Strategy
  • When you feel anger building, use exercise as a go-to strategy to cool off. Instead of reacting in the moment, take a break and go for a run, lift weights, or do a yoga session to calm your mind and body (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Combine Physical Activity with Mindfulness
  • Practices like yoga and mindful walking can combine physical activity with mindfulness techniques to promote relaxation and emotional regulation. This combination can be especially helpful for teens struggling with both anger and anxiety (Torrente, 2019).

Conclusion

Engaging in physical activity is one of the most effective ways to manage anger. Whether it’s running, yoga, strength training, or martial arts, regular exercise helps teens release pent-up energy, reduce stress, and improve emotional regulation. By incorporating physical activity into their daily routine, teens can develop healthier ways to cope with anger and build resilience for handling future challenges. Exercise not only improves physical health but also contributes to emotional well-being, making it a valuable tool for long-term anger management.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

Galla, B. M. (2016). Mindfulness, academic achievement, and positive behavior among adolescents: The role of executive function. Journal of Educational Psychology, 108(3), 427-441.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Torrente, R. (2019). Mindfulness for Teens: Proven Techniques to Reduce Stress, Manage Emotions, and Improve Focus. Rockridge Press.

Setting Boundaries and Walking Away: A Guide for Teens Managing Anger

Anger is a natural emotion, but for many teens, it can be challenging to manage. Between school, friendships, family, and the pressures of adolescence, situations can quickly escalate into anger. Learning to set boundaries and knowing when to walk away can be vital tools in managing anger healthily and effectively. In this article, we’ll explore how teens can set boundaries and practice walking away when emotions run high, along with the importance of these skills for personal well-being and relationships.

Understanding Anger and Boundaries

Anger is an emotional response to perceived threats, injustices, or frustrations. It’s not inherently bad, but how you respond to anger can determine whether it becomes a problem (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021). For teens, anger often comes from feeling misunderstood, overwhelmed, or disrespected. When unchecked, anger can lead to destructive behaviors, damaged relationships, or poor decision-making.

Boundaries are the limits you set for how others treat you and how you engage with situations. Establishing boundaries means defining what is acceptable and what isn’t, helping you maintain control over your emotions and actions (LeCroy & Daley, 2020). For teens, learning to set boundaries is key to managing anger, as it allows you to protect your emotional well-being while avoiding unnecessary conflicts.

Why Setting Boundaries Is Important

  1. Protects Your Emotional Health
  • Boundaries act as a buffer between your emotions and external situations that might provoke anger. By setting clear limits, you reduce the chances of getting overwhelmed or pushed into conflict (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Builds Self-Respect and Confidence
  • Setting boundaries helps you stand up for yourself in respectful and assertive ways. When you practice this regularly, you build self-esteem because you’re taking responsibility for your emotional well-being (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Improves Relationships
  • Boundaries foster healthier relationships by promoting mutual respect. When you communicate your limits clearly, others know what behaviors are acceptable and what isn’t. This can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflicts (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).

How to Set Boundaries When You’re Angry

Setting boundaries when you’re angry can be difficult, but it’s essential for preventing escalation and maintaining healthy relationships. Here are steps you can follow to set boundaries effectively:

  1. Identify Your Triggers
  • Before you can set boundaries, it’s important to understand what situations or behaviors make you feel angry. Identifying your triggers—whether it’s disrespect, being ignored, or feeling overwhelmed—allows you to anticipate when you might need to set a boundary (APA, 2021).
  1. Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively
  • When setting boundaries, it’s important to communicate in a calm and respectful manner, even if you feel angry. Using “I” statements can help express how you feel without blaming others (e.g., “I feel upset when…”). This approach helps the other person understand your emotions without feeling attacked (Groschwitz & Plener, 2012).
  1. Be Clear and Specific
  • Vague boundaries often lead to misunderstandings. Instead, be specific about what you’re asking for. For example, if you need space to cool down, say, “I need to take a break right now. Let’s talk about this later when we’re both calmer” (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Stay Consistent
  • Once you set a boundary, stick to it. If others see that you’re inconsistent, they may not take your boundaries seriously. By staying consistent, you reinforce your limits and reduce the chances of repeated conflicts (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).

The Power of Walking Away

Sometimes, even after setting boundaries, a situation may still feel overwhelming or unmanageable. In these cases, walking away can be the best option for both your emotional well-being and for preventing further conflict. Walking away isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a powerful tool for maintaining control over your emotions and preventing the situation from escalating.

  1. Prevents Escalation
  • When emotions are high, it’s easy for arguments to spiral out of control. Walking away gives you time to calm down and think rationally before reacting. This pause can prevent hurtful words or actions that you may regret later (Galla, 2016).
  1. Gives You Time to Cool Down
  • Taking a break from a heated situation allows your body’s stress response to subside. When you walk away, your heart rate slows down, your breathing steadies, and you can regain control of your thoughts (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Creates Space for Reflection
  • Walking away gives you time to reflect on the situation and your emotions. It helps you assess whether your anger is justified or if there’s a better way to approach the issue. You might realize that what you’re upset about isn’t worth the conflict, or you may gain clarity on how to address the situation more calmly (APA, 2021).

How to Walk Away When Angry

Walking away isn’t always easy, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment. Here are some tips to help you walk away effectively:

  1. Recognize When It’s Time to Leave
  • Pay attention to your physical and emotional cues. If you notice that your heart is racing, your body is tense, or you feel like yelling, it may be a good time to walk away before things escalate (Groschwitz & Plener, 2012).
  1. Say Something Calm and Direct
  • Let the other person know that you need space to cool down. You can say something like, “I need a break right now. Let’s talk about this later when we’ve both had time to calm down.” This communicates your intent without making the situation worse (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Find a Safe Space
  • Once you walk away, go somewhere quiet where you can cool down. This could be your room, a park, or any space where you can feel calm and reflect. Use this time to practice deep breathing, mindfulness, or any other relaxation technique that helps you regain control (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Return When You’re Ready
  • After you’ve had time to cool down, return to the conversation with a clearer mind. You’ll likely be more prepared to discuss the issue calmly and productively.

Long-Term Benefits of Setting Boundaries and Walking Away

Learning to set boundaries and walk away when necessary are essential life skills that promote emotional intelligence and resilience. By consistently practicing these skills, teens can experience long-term benefits, including:

  1. Improved Emotional Regulation
  • Setting boundaries and walking away help you develop emotional self-control. You become more aware of your emotions and can respond to them in healthier ways (Galla, 2016).
  1. Stronger Relationships
  • Boundaries foster mutual respect and understanding in relationships, while walking away prevents unnecessary conflicts. These practices lead to stronger, healthier connections with friends, family, and peers (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Greater Confidence and Self-Esteem
  • Setting boundaries allows you to stand up for yourself, which builds confidence and self-respect. Walking away from unproductive situations shows emotional maturity and self-control (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).

Conclusion

For teens, learning to set boundaries and walk away when angry is essential for managing emotions and maintaining healthy relationships. These skills help you stay in control of your reactions and reduce the chances of conflict or emotional outbursts. By consistently practicing these techniques, you can build stronger relationships, improve your emotional well-being, and approach life’s challenges with greater resilience and confidence.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

Galla, B. M. (2016). Mindfulness, academic achievement, and positive behavior among adolescents: The role of executive function. Journal of Educational Psychology, 108(3), 427-441.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Groschwitz, R. C., & Plener, P. L. (2012). The neurobiological basis of nonsuicidal self-injury in adolescents: A review. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 21(2), 139–149.