Archives October 2024

What to Do When Your Teenager Feels They Aren’t Treated Fairly

It’s common for teenagers to feel misunderstood or unfairly treated at home. Whether it’s about rules, responsibilities, or privileges, teens are at an age when they’re figuring out who they are and are especially sensitive to fairness. If your teenager tells you they don’t feel treated fairly, this can be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and help them develop resilience and perspective.

 Understanding the Teenage Perspective on Fairness

During adolescence, children experience significant cognitive and emotional growth, which affects their view of fairness. According to Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a developmental psychologist, teens are increasingly aware of social justice and equality, which extends to how they view their place in the family. They’re also developing their own identity, which can lead to greater sensitivity when they feel they’re being treated unfairly compared to siblings or friends .

Fairness, however, doesn’t always mean treating everyone exactly the same. Psychologist Dr. Michael Thompson explains that fairness is about meeting each child’s individual needs. Parents often make decisions based on a teen’s maturity, needs, or abilities, which can sometimes lead teens to feel that others are getting special treatment .

 Responding Supportively When Your Teen Expresses Feelings of Unfairness

When your teen says they feel unfairly treated, responding in a supportive and constructive way can help them feel valued and understood. Here are some strategies:

 1. Listen Without Judgment

  • When your teen tells you they feel unfairly treated, listen calmly and let them explain their feelings without interruption. According to Dr. John Gottman, an expert in family relationships, active listening can make children feel respected and valued, which helps foster a trusting and open relationship .
  • Try to validate their feelings by saying things like, “I understand that you feel this way,” even if you don’t agree. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing, but it lets your teen know their emotions are acknowledged.

 2. Explain Fairness Versus Equality

  • Fairness in parenting often means giving each child what they need, which may look different depending on age, maturity, and individual needs. For example, a younger sibling might have a different bedtime or a different set of responsibilities. Explaining the difference between fairness and equality can help your teen see why each family member might be treated differently.
  • Family therapist Dr. Jane Nelsen explains that explaining this distinction can reduce resentment and help children understand that they are not being “punished” or unfairly limited, but rather given what’s appropriate for their stage of development .

 3. Ask Questions to Understand Their Perspective

  • To fully understand why your teen feels unfairly treated, ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?” or “What would make this situation feel fairer to you?” Open-ended questions help you see things from their perspective and show your teen that you’re genuinely interested in understanding their feelings .
  • Research shows that when teens feel heard and understood by their parents, they’re more likely to accept decisions, even if they don’t fully agree .

 4. Acknowledge Your Own Mistakes

  • If there are times when you realize you may have been unfair without realizing it, don’t be afraid to admit it. Admitting mistakes can strengthen trust between you and your teen and show them that fairness matters to you as well.
  • Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and family relationships, argues that admitting mistakes as a parent models accountability and teaches teens that it’s okay to acknowledge imperfections .

 Setting Clear Expectations and Boundaries

While understanding their feelings is important, consistency is key. Clear boundaries help teenagers feel secure and understand why rules are in place. Setting expectations and explaining the reasons behind rules can make them seem fairer to your teen.

 1. Discuss Expectations Openly

  • Have conversations with your teen about what is expected of them and why. When parents and teens discuss expectations together, it helps clarify boundaries and can prevent feelings of unfairness. For instance, explaining why curfews differ based on age or responsibility level can make the rules seem more reasonable .
  • Psychologist Dr. Wendy Mogel suggests involving teens in discussions about rules, which makes them feel more invested and responsible for their own actions .

 2. Be Consistent with Consequences

  • Consistency helps teens understand that rules apply to everyone in the family. If consequences are only enforced sometimes, teens may feel that rules are unfairly applied.
  • Consistent consequences, when applied in a fair and non-emotional way, reinforce the idea that rules are about safety and responsibility, not favoritism.

 Helping Your Teen Build Resilience and Perspective

Feelings of unfairness can be an opportunity for growth. Learning to handle situations that feel unfair helps teenagers develop resilience and prepares them for situations outside the family.

 1. Encourage Problem-Solving Skills

  • If your teen feels that a situation is unfair, work with them to brainstorm ways to improve it. For example, if they feel they have too many chores compared to a sibling, you might discuss a more balanced approach or find ways to rotate tasks. This teaches them to address perceived unfairness in constructive ways .
  • Studies show that encouraging teens to engage in problem-solving fosters independence and resilience, helping them deal with challenges throughout life .

 2. Model Empathy and Perspective-Taking

  • Encourage your teen to consider others’ perspectives as well. Ask questions like, “Why do you think your sibling might have different responsibilities?” or “How do you think we try to balance everyone’s needs?” This teaches empathy and helps your teen see family dynamics in a broader context.
  • Research by developmental psychologist Dr. Nancy Eisenberg suggests that teaching empathy and perspective-taking can enhance social skills and emotional intelligence in adolescents .

 Wrapping It Up: Fairness, Understanding, and Family Growth

Feeling unfairly treated is a common experience for teens, and how parents respond can shape their future interactions with others. By listening, validating feelings, explaining fairness versus equality, and involving them in discussions about expectations, you can build a more open and trusting relationship with your teen. And when misunderstandings occur, remember that these moments are opportunities to strengthen family bonds, build resilience, and help your teenager feel valued.

Every family dynamic is unique, and while it may not always be possible to avoid feelings of unfairness, responding with empathy, consistency, and open communication can help your teenager feel respected and understood.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

1. Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

2. Thompson, M. (2009). It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18. Ballantine Books.

3. Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. Simon & Schuster.

4. Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teens and Yourself Through Kind and Firm Parenting. Ballantine Books.

5. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Books.

6. Mogel, W. (2008). The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers. Scribner.

7. Eisenberg, N., & Spinrad, T. L. (2004). “Emotion-Related Regulation: Its Role in the Development of Empathy and Prosocial Behavior.” Annual Review of Psychology, 55, 535–570.

Feeling Like You’re Not Treated Fairly in Your Family: A Guide for Teens

It’s not unusual to feel like you’re being treated unfairly in your family. Maybe it seems like your siblings get more freedom, or perhaps you feel like your parents don’t listen to you as much as they should. Whatever the case, feeling overlooked or misunderstood can be frustrating. Learning how to handle these feelings can make a big difference in your family relationships and help you feel more understood and respected at home.

 Understanding Why You Might Feel This Way

Feeling like you’re not treated fairly can come from a lot of places. Sometimes it’s about comparing yourself to siblings, while other times it might be about feeling that your parents don’t understand your perspective. According to Dr. Karen Bogenschneider, a family relationship expert, teens often struggle with perceived inequality, especially if parents treat siblings differently. It’s natural to want fairness, but every family member may need different things at different times, which can sometimes look like favoritism .

 Fairness Doesn’t Always Mean Equality

One important thing to understand is that fairness and equality aren’t the same thing. Fairness is about getting what you need, while equality is about getting exactly the same thing as others. For example, if one of your siblings is younger, your parents might give them more help with schoolwork, while they trust you to work independently. This isn’t unfair; it’s just that your parents recognize you might not need as much guidance.

Dr. Michael Thompson, a psychologist who specializes in family dynamics, points out that parents make decisions based on each child’s unique needs and maturity level . So while it may look like your parents are treating you differently, it’s often because they’re considering what they think will work best for you individually.

 Communicating Your Feelings

When you feel like you’re not being treated fairly, it’s important to express those feelings constructively. Here’s how to have a calm and effective conversation with your family:

 1. Pick the Right Time

– Try to bring up your feelings during a calm moment when everyone is relaxed, rather than during an argument or right after something has upset you. According to the American Psychological Association, timing matters when it comes to discussing emotional issues; waiting until everyone is calm can make for a more positive conversation .

 2. Use “I Statements”

– Rather than saying, “You’re always unfair!” try saying, “I feel frustrated when I see my siblings getting different rules than I do.” “I statements” focus on your feelings and are less likely to make others defensive. Psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg suggests that using “I statements” helps people express their needs in a way that promotes understanding and reduces conflict .

 3. Ask Questions to Understand Your Parents’ Perspective

– You might say, “Can you help me understand why I have a different curfew than my sibling?” Asking questions can help you see things from your parents’ point of view, and it also shows them that you’re willing to listen.

Focusing on Your Strengths

Feeling like you’re not being treated fairly can sometimes make you feel less valued. During these times, it’s helpful to remember what makes you unique and focus on your strengths. Studies show that when teens focus on their own strengths, they tend to feel more confident and less affected by comparisons to others .

If you’re feeling overlooked, remind yourself of the things you’re good at and the positive qualities you bring to your family. Whether it’s your sense of humor, your creativity, or your ability to listen, every family member has unique strengths.

 Building Healthy Family Relationships

Maintaining a positive relationship with your family can be challenging, especially if you’re feeling misunderstood. However, working on those relationships can be rewarding and help you feel more connected to your family. Here are some tips for building healthy relationships at home:

 1. Show Appreciation

– Recognize the good things your family members do, even if it’s something small like making dinner or helping with homework. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude, expressing appreciation can improve relationships by making people feel valued and respected .

 2. Set Boundaries Respectfully

– It’s okay to let your family know when you need some space. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, politely let them know you need a little time alone to recharge.

 3. Be Open to Compromise

– Family relationships often require compromise. For example, if you want more freedom, consider negotiating with your parents—maybe you get a later curfew on weekends if you show responsibility during the week.

Seeking Support Outside Your Family

If you’re struggling with family dynamics, it can help to talk to someone outside your family, like a friend, teacher, counselor, or mentor. According to a study published in Journal of Youth and Adolescence, teens who have strong support systems outside their family tend to have better coping skills and feel more understood . Talking to someone else can give you a fresh perspective and help you find new ways to deal with your feelings.

 Remember: Family Relationships Take Time

Family dynamics aren’t always easy, and feeling misunderstood or overlooked is a common experience for teens. But remember that family relationships are long-term. As you grow and change, so will your relationships with your family. In the meantime, learning to communicate calmly, focus on your strengths, and find support outside your family can help you handle these challenges in a positive way.

Feeling like you’re not treated fairly in your family doesn’t have to lead to conflict or resentment. By expressing your feelings constructively, focusing on what makes you unique, and building positive family relationships, you can navigate these challenges and build a stronger connection with your family over time.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  1. Bogenschneider, K. (2004). Family Policy Matters: How Policymaking Affects Families and What Professionals Can Do. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  2. Thompson, M. (2001). The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life. Ballantine Books.
  3. American Psychological Association. (2021). “Discussing Tough Topics with Family.” APA. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/.
  4. Rosenberg, M. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
  5. Waters, L., & Sun, J. (2017). “The Impact of Strength-Based Parenting on Life Satisfaction and Subjective Wellbeing of Adolescents.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 46(4), 848-861.
  6. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.
  7. Dubow, E. F., & Ullman, D. G. (1989). “Support, Stress, and Psychological Symptoms Among Early Adolescents.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 18(3), 191–204.
Be Intentional with the Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It creates emotional, physical, and mental bonds that bring couples closer and strengthen their connection. However, as relationships evolve, life’s pressures can lead to intimacy taking a back seat, often resulting in emotional distance. To maintain a vibrant and loving relationship, it’s crucial to be intentional with intimacy—whether it’s emotional, physical, or sexual. By being purposeful and mindful about nurturing closeness, couples can prevent drift and reignite the spark.

 The Importance of Intentional Intimacy

Intentional intimacy refers to the conscious effort to foster closeness and connection in a relationship. Unlike the spontaneous passion that may occur in the early stages of romance, intentional intimacy requires ongoing dedication, particularly in long-term relationships. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship dynamics, asserts that couples who consistently prioritize emotional and physical connection are more likely to maintain a happy and fulfilling relationship over time. According to Gottman, small, intentional gestures of intimacy build emotional “love maps,” strengthening the bond between partners.

 Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of Connection

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires with your partner in a way that promotes vulnerability and trust. However, this level of connection doesn’t happen automatically; it requires effort and communication.

To be intentional about emotional intimacy, couples must create spaces for deep conversations. This could involve setting aside time for regular check-ins, where both partners can share their feelings openly. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that “secure attachment” is critical to emotional intimacy, as it allows partners to feel safe and supported by one another. This sense of security leads to greater emotional closeness and satisfaction in the relationship .

 Tips to Cultivate Emotional Intimacy:

  • Schedule regular “talk time”: Dedicate time each week for uninterrupted conversation where you both share thoughts, worries, and dreams.
  • Practice active listening: Show genuine interest in your partner’s experiences and validate their emotions. This strengthens emotional trust.
  • Share appreciations daily: Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s qualities and actions nurtures a positive emotional climate.

 Physical Intimacy: Small Gestures with Big Impact

Physical intimacy is not limited to sexual activity; it also includes everyday gestures like holding hands, hugging, and cuddling. Research shows that physical touch can significantly impact relationship satisfaction by boosting oxytocin levels, also known as the “bonding hormone,” which fosters feelings of connection and security.

Being intentional with physical intimacy involves incorporating these gestures into your daily routine. Small acts, such as a hug before leaving for work or holding hands during a walk, can be powerful ways to maintain closeness. Physical affection communicates love, care, and comfort, helping partners feel valued and connected even during stressful times.

 Ways to Enhance Physical Intimacy:

  • Increase non-sexual touch: Hugs, kisses, holding hands, and gentle touches are important ways to stay physically connected.
  • Create physical routines: For example, commit to greeting each other with a hug after a long day or cuddling for a few minutes before bed.
  • Make space for sexual intimacy: While everyday touch is important, carving out time for sexual connection helps keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive.

 Sexual Intimacy: Rediscovering Passion with Purpose

Sexual intimacy is an essential part of most romantic relationships, and over time, it can become less frequent or less satisfying if not intentionally prioritized. Many couples assume that sexual connection will naturally occur, but as relationships progress and life becomes busier, this often isn’t the case.

Sex therapist Esther Perel argues that to sustain passion in a long-term relationship, couples must balance intimacy with desire. Intentionality in the sexual relationship might involve scheduling time for intimacy, exploring new ways to connect, or discussing each partner’s desires and boundaries . This level of communication fosters trust and helps partners feel safe expressing their needs.

 Strategies for Reigniting Sexual Intimacy:

  • Schedule time for intimacy: While it may seem unromantic, planning for intimacy ensures that it remains a priority amidst busy schedules.
  • Explore together: Be open to trying new activities, discussing fantasies, or changing the environment to rediscover desire.
  • Communicate openly about desires: Honest conversations about sexual needs and boundaries help ensure both partners feel satisfied and respected.

 The Power of Intentional Acts of Love

In a fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in work, parenting, or other responsibilities, leaving little time for nurturing intimacy. However, small, intentional acts of love can be transformative. Whether it’s a simple “I love you” text during the day, a thoughtful compliment, or spending five minutes hugging, these gestures remind your partner that they are cherished and loved.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the “Five Love Languages” offers insight into how couples can be intentional in expressing love in ways that are meaningful to their partner. By learning whether your partner values words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, you can engage in targeted acts of love that resonate deeply .

 Building a Culture of Intentional Intimacy

Being intentional about intimacy doesn’t mean grand gestures or elaborate plans—it means consistently showing up for your partner and nurturing the connection. As author Brene Brown explains, vulnerability is key to fostering true intimacy. When couples intentionally create space for vulnerability, they build a deeper emotional and physical connection that sustains their relationship over time .

 Practical Steps for Building Intentional Intimacy:

  1. Schedule regular date nights: Make time for each other away from the stresses of daily life to focus on the relationship.
  2. Check-in daily: Even a brief conversation about your day can keep you emotionally connected.
  3. Celebrate small moments: Intimacy grows through appreciating the small, everyday moments of life together.
  4. Express affection frequently: Whether through words or touch, let your partner know they are loved.

 Conclusion

Intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. Being intentional about emotional, physical, and sexual closeness fosters deeper connections, strengthens trust, and rekindles passion. By making small but meaningful efforts to prioritize intimacy, couples can move beyond autopilot and rediscover the love and connection that brought them together in the first place.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

How to Stop Being Roommates and Start Being Lovers Again:  Part 2 Prioritizing Intimacy

In long-term relationships, it’s common for couples to fall into a routine where they feel more like roommates than lovers. The pressures of daily life, such as work, children, and household responsibilities, can erode intimacy over time. As passion fades, couples may find themselves living parallel lives, disconnected emotionally and physically. However, reigniting the flame is possible. By prioritizing intimacy, couples can reconnect and move from being mere roommates back to lovers.

 Understanding the “Roommate Syndrome”

The “roommate syndrome” occurs when partners cohabit but feel emotionally distant, interact primarily out of necessity, and rarely engage in activities that foster closeness. This phenomenon can result in feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment. According to psychologist John Gottman, emotional neglect is one of the primary reasons couples drift apart. In Gottman’s research, happy couples maintain emotional intimacy by continually turning toward each other for connection rather than turning away or ignoring one another .

 Why Intimacy Matters

Intimacy is essential to a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship. It involves emotional connection, physical affection, and mutual vulnerability. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that intimacy creates a sense of security and belonging in relationships . Without intimacy, partners may feel unloved and unimportant, which can eventually erode the foundation of the relationship. Prioritizing intimacy can help rebuild emotional bonds and create an environment where romance can flourish again.

Strategies to Rebuild Intimacy

  1. Make Time for Each Other

One of the most effective ways to reconnect is to intentionally carve out time for your partner. According to a study by the National Marriage Project, couples who spend quality time together at least once a week are more likely to experience higher levels of marital satisfaction . Date nights, shared hobbies, or simply taking a walk together can create opportunities for meaningful conversation and emotional connection.

  • Communicate Openly and Honestly

Open communication is crucial for intimacy. Partners need to express their desires, fears, and frustrations without fear of judgment. Regular check-ins where each partner shares their thoughts and feelings can help ensure that both are on the same page. In Dr. Harville Hendrix’s “Imago Relationship Therapy,” couples are encouraged to use conscious dialogue, which involves listening without interrupting and validating the other person’s emotions . This type of communication fosters emotional intimacy and reduces conflict.

  • Reignite Physical Affection

Physical intimacy is a key component of romantic relationships. While emotional closeness is crucial, physical affection also plays a significant role in reigniting passion. Studies show that physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or cuddling, releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which enhances bonding and emotional closeness . Making time for non-sexual physical affection can strengthen the relationship, leading to a more fulfilling sexual connection as well.

  • Prioritize Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy often diminishes in long-term relationships due to stress, fatigue, or routine. However, a healthy sexual relationship is important for many couples to feel close and connected. To rekindle the sexual spark, couples may need to approach intimacy with intention. Sex therapist Esther Perel suggests that desire requires distance, novelty, and excitement . Couples can reignite passion by trying new experiences, exploring fantasies, or simply setting aside uninterrupted time to be intimate.

  • Practice Gratitude and Affirmation

It’s easy to take each other for granted after years of partnership, but practicing gratitude can help reignite feelings of appreciation and love. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude research, expressing gratitude helps partners feel valued and strengthens the emotional bond between them . Couples can incorporate gratitude into their daily lives by acknowledging and thanking each other for small gestures, thereby fostering a more positive and loving atmosphere.

  • Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes, the emotional and physical distance between partners requires professional guidance to bridge. Couples therapy can provide tools to rebuild intimacy, improve communication, and address unresolved conflicts. Therapies such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been shown to be effective in helping couples reconnect and repair their relationship  .

 The Power of Small Gestures

Small daily gestures of love and affection can make a significant difference in rebuilding intimacy. Even seemingly insignificant acts, like making your partner coffee in the morning, leaving a kind note, or complimenting them, can show that you care. These moments of connection can accumulate over time, creating a foundation for deeper emotional and physical intimacy.

Revitalizing a relationship and moving from roommates to lovers again requires effort and commitment from both partners. By prioritizing intimacy—through communication, physical affection, shared experiences, and practicing gratitude—couples can restore their emotional and physical connection. Ultimately, rebuilding intimacy strengthens the relationship, making it more resilient to the challenges of life and deepening the bond between partners.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. National Marriage Project. (2011). “The Date Night Opportunity: What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Quality of Relationships?” University of Virginia.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  7. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.