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Have You Ever Thought You Forgave Someone Only to Find Out You Hadn’t? Understanding Forgiveness and Its Complex Layers

Forgiveness is often considered a vital step toward emotional healing, allowing individuals to release resentment and move forward. However, many people experience situations where they believe they have forgiven someone, only to later realize that the lingering feelings of hurt and resentment suggest otherwise. This phenomenon highlights the complexity of forgiveness, revealing that it may not be as straightforward as it initially seems. The purpose of this article is to explore the nature of forgiveness, the reasons why individuals might struggle with genuine forgiveness, and the implications of unfinished forgiveness on mental health and well-being.

Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness is typically defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it (American Psychological Association, 2023). Research on forgiveness indicates that it involves both cognitive and emotional processes, meaning it isn’t just about letting go mentally; it also involves genuine emotional healing (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015).

Forgiveness can be separated into two main types: decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness (Worthington, 2006). Decisional forgiveness is the conscious decision to forgive someone and act as if the hurt no longer impacts the relationship. Emotional forgiveness, however, involves truly letting go of the negative feelings and emotional responses associated with the hurt. It is possible for an individual to experience decisional forgiveness without achieving emotional forgiveness, which can explain why some people believe they have forgiven someone only to later realize that they haven’t fully done so.

Why Forgiveness Can Be Difficult to Fully Achieve

There are several reasons why genuine forgiveness may be challenging to accomplish. Some of the most common factors include the following:

1. Residual Resentment: Even after making a decision to forgive, individuals may still hold on to lingering negative feelings. Research by McCullough et al. (2003) suggests that emotional forgiveness is a gradual process that unfolds over time, rather than an instant event. Unresolved anger, sadness, or betrayal can resurface, especially when triggered by related events or memories.

2. Self-Protection Mechanisms: For some individuals, holding onto resentment serves as a psychological defense mechanism to prevent future harm. By not fully forgiving, individuals may feel they are protecting themselves from further hurt (Wade, Hoyt, & Worthington, 2014). In this sense, forgiveness might feel like vulnerability, as it involves letting go of a protective barrier against potential future pain.

3. Mistrust and Lack of Reconciliation: Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. When the person who caused harm has not taken responsibility, offered an apology, or changed their behavior, individuals may find it difficult to move toward true emotional forgiveness (Exline & Baumeister, 2000). The absence of reconciliation can lead to doubts about forgiveness, as it feels unfinished or insincere without mutual effort.

4. Reliving Past Trauma: Certain offenses may be tied to deeper emotional wounds or traumas. If the original hurt triggered past trauma, forgiving can be even more difficult because it involves working through multiple layers of pain. Research indicates that people who have experienced significant trauma often struggle with forgiveness, as unresolved trauma complicates the healing process (Toussaint, Worthington, & Williams, 2015).

5. Expectations and Idealized Forgiveness: Cultural and religious beliefs often encourage forgiveness as a moral or spiritual obligation, creating pressure to forgive quickly or completely (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015). However, when individuals try to “force” forgiveness due to external expectations rather than genuine emotional readiness, they may mistake the decision for actual healing. Over time, this dissonance between expectation and reality can become evident, revealing incomplete forgiveness.

Signs of Unfinished Forgiveness

Realizing that one has not truly forgiven can manifest in various ways. Some common signs include:

• Ruminating on the Hurt: When individuals continue to think about the offense or replay events in their minds, it may be a sign that forgiveness has not been fully achieved. Persistent rumination indicates unresolved emotional processing, suggesting that genuine forgiveness has not yet been reached (Toussaint et al., 2015).

• Negative Emotional Triggers: Experiencing anger, sadness, or resentment when thinking about the person or event can indicate unfinished forgiveness. Emotional triggers often reveal hidden feelings that were not addressed in the initial forgiveness decision (McCullough et al., 2003).

• Difficulty in Maintaining Positive Interactions: Struggling to feel positively toward the person involved or finding it challenging to engage in meaningful interactions can indicate that forgiveness remains incomplete (Wade et al., 2014). True forgiveness often includes an element of goodwill or empathy toward the other person, even if reconciliation is not achieved.

Strategies for Genuine Forgiveness

For those who realize they have not fully forgiven, several approaches can help facilitate emotional forgiveness:

1. Self-Compassion and Patience: Allowing oneself to feel and process emotions without judgment is essential. Genuine forgiveness is not a quick process; it requires patience and self-compassion (Worthington, 2006).

2. Therapeutic Support: Therapy can provide a safe space to explore lingering emotions, especially for those dealing with trauma-related forgiveness struggles. Techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy and forgiveness therapy can aid in processing and releasing negative emotions (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015).

3. Practicing Empathy and Perspective-Taking: Research shows that empathy can promote forgiveness by helping individuals understand the other person’s motivations and perspectives (McCullough et al., 2003). This does not excuse harmful behavior but can foster emotional release.

4. Journaling and Reflective Exercises: Writing about feelings, thoughts, and experiences related to the offense can help bring clarity to unfinished forgiveness. This process can encourage emotional expression and insight, paving the way for genuine forgiveness (Toussaint et al., 2015).

Conclusion

The journey toward forgiveness is complex and personal. Many people believe they have forgiven, only to later discover that deeper emotions remain unresolved. Recognizing this experience is an important step in the healing process. Genuine forgiveness requires emotional processing, self-compassion, and, at times, professional support. While decisional forgiveness may happen quickly, emotional forgiveness is often a gradual, layered experience that unfolds over time. By acknowledging the intricacies of forgiveness, individuals can work toward authentic emotional healing and peace.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the executive director and provider for outpatient services at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral health based out of London Kentucky. He may be reached at 606-657-0532 extension 10 one or by email at [email protected]

References

American Psychological Association. (2023). Forgiveness. Retrieved from APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness Therapy: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. American Psychological Association.

Exline, J. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). Expressing forgiveness and repentance: Benefits and barriers. In M. E. McCullough, K. I. Pargament, & C. E. Thoresen (Eds.), Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 133–155). Guilford Press.

McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L., & Rachal, K. C. (2003). Interpersonal forgiveness in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 321–336.

Toussaint, L., Worthington, E. L., & Williams, D. R. (2015). Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health. Springer.

Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., & Worthington, E. L. (2014). Forgiveness interventions: A meta-analytic review of individual and group applications. Counseling Psychology Quarterly, 27(4), 431–452.

Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. InterVarsity Press.

How to Cope with Seasonal Depression During the Holidays

For many, the holiday season is synonymous with joy, family gatherings, and celebration. However, for those affected by seasonal depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), this time of year can bring heightened feelings of sadness, anxiety, and fatigue. While the holidays can trigger or exacerbate symptoms, there are strategies for coping effectively. Understanding the underlying causes of holiday-related seasonal depression and implementing research-based approaches can empower individuals to manage their mental health during this season.

1. Understanding Seasonal Depression and the Holiday Season

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that typically occurs during the fall and winter months when daylight hours are shorter (Melrose, 2015). Symptoms of SAD include low energy, loss of interest in daily activities, changes in sleep and appetite, and feelings of sadness or hopelessness (Roecklein & Rohan, 2005). For some, these symptoms may intensify around the holiday season due to various triggers, such as financial stress, family dynamics, and the expectation to “feel joyful.”

Social pressures during the holidays can amplify feelings of isolation and inadequacy, while disrupted routines and financial obligations may also contribute to stress and anxiety (Boyce & Parker, 1989). Understanding these dynamics is essential in developing effective coping strategies.

2. Evidence-Based Strategies for Coping with Seasonal Depression During the Holidays

  • a) Increase Exposure to Natural Light or Consider Light Therapy: One of the most well-researched treatments for SAD is light therapy, which involves exposure to a light box that mimics natural sunlight. Studies have shown that daily use of a 10,000-lux light box for 20-30 minutes can reduce symptoms for many people with SAD (Golden et al., 2005). Additionally, making a conscious effort to spend time outdoors during daylight hours can increase natural sunlight exposure, which helps regulate melatonin and serotonin levels that influence mood (Roecklein & Rohan, 2005).
  • b) Establish and Maintain Routines: The holiday season often disrupts daily routines, which can make it difficult for individuals with SAD to manage their symptoms. Establishing and sticking to a daily schedule for sleep, exercise, and nutrition can provide a sense of structure and stability. Research suggests that regular physical activity can alleviate symptoms of depression by releasing endorphins and promoting overall well-being (Craft & Perna, 2004). Even light to moderate exercise, such as a daily walk, can have significant mood-boosting effects.
  • c) Limit Alcohol Intake and Maintain a Balanced Diet: Alcohol is a depressant, and excessive consumption can worsen feelings of sadness and anxiety. Studies indicate that people with depressive symptoms are more susceptible to the mood-altering effects of alcohol, especially when trying to cope with stressors (Schuckit et al., 1998). To help regulate mood, limit alcohol intake and prioritize a balanced diet rich in whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, which can support stable energy levels and mental health (O’Neil et al., 2014).
  • d) Practice Mindfulness and Gratitude: Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation, deep breathing, and grounding exercises, have been shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression (Hofmann et al., 2010). During the holiday season, setting aside even a few minutes daily to practice mindfulness can help individuals feel more grounded and focused. In addition, practicing gratitude has been shown to improve mental well-being by fostering positive thinking patterns (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Writing down a few things to be thankful for each day can create a positive shift in outlook and mood.
  • e) Prioritize Self-Care and Set Boundaries: Holiday obligations can feel overwhelming, especially for those with seasonal depression. It’s important to prioritize self-care by setting boundaries around social commitments. Communicate your needs with family and friends, and don’t be afraid to decline invitations if they feel burdensome. Research shows that setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing self-care can reduce stress and enhance emotional well-being (Cook et al., 2009). Taking breaks, engaging in relaxing activities, or even simply spending time alone can help manage stress and prevent burnout.
  • f) Seek Social Support and Professional Help When Needed: Social support plays a crucial role in managing symptoms of SAD. Reaching out to trusted friends, family, or support groups can provide emotional relief, especially during times of isolation. If symptoms become severe or unmanageable, seeking professional help is a wise option. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) has been proven effective in treating SAD, helping individuals challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms (Rohan et al., 2004).

3. Recognizing and Managing Holiday Triggers

Many people with SAD find that certain holiday-related stressors, such as family conflict, financial worries, or high expectations, exacerbate their symptoms. Being mindful of these triggers can help with preemptive coping. For example, establishing a holiday budget can reduce financial stress, while openly communicating boundaries with family members can prevent feelings of overwhelm. Developing a holiday plan that focuses on activities you genuinely enjoy rather than on societal expectations can also provide relief.

Conclusion

The holiday season can be challenging for those affected by seasonal depression, but understanding its causes and utilizing evidence-based coping strategies can help manage symptoms effectively. By increasing exposure to natural light, maintaining routines, limiting alcohol intake, practicing mindfulness, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support, individuals can foster resilience and find moments of joy and connection during the holidays. Seasonal depression is a difficult journey, but with the right strategies and support, it is possible to navigate this season more comfortably.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  • Boyce, P., & Parker, G. (1989). Seasonal affective disorder. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 155(4), 394-398.
  • Cook, P., Casale, M., & Faulkner, L. (2009). Practicing self-care for mental health: Strategies and impacts. Social Work in Mental Health, 7(3), 303-315.
  • Craft, L. L., & Perna, F. M. (2004). The benefits of exercise for the clinically depressed. Primary Care Companion to The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 6(3), 104–111.
  • Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.
  • Golden, R. N., Gaynes, B. N., Ekstrom, R. D., et al. (2005). The efficacy of light therapy in the treatment of mood disorders: A review and meta-analysis of the evidence. American Journal of Psychiatry, 162(4), 656–662.
  • Hofmann, S. G., Sawyer, A. T., Witt, A. A., & Oh, D. (2010). The effect of mindfulness-based therapy on anxiety and depression: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 169–183.
  • Melrose, S. (2015). Seasonal affective disorder: An overview of assessment and treatment approaches. Depression Research and Treatment, 2015, 1-6.
  • O’Neil, A., Quirk, S. E., Housden, S., et al. (2014). Relationship between diet and mental health in children and adolescents: A systematic review. American Journal of Public Health, 104(10), e31-e42.
  • Roecklein, K. A., & Rohan, K. J. (2005). Seasonal affective disorder: An overview and update. Psychiatric Services, 56(8), 1161-1170.
  • Rohan, K. J., Roecklein, K. A., Lacy, T. J., & Vacek, P. M. (2004). Winter depression recurrence: A comparison of cognitive-behavioral therapy, light therapy, and combination treatment. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(3), 523-532.
  • Schuckit, M. A., Tipp, J. E., Smith, T. L., et al. (1998). An evaluation of type A and type B alcoholics. Addiction, 93(8), 1149–1164.
What to Do When Your Teenager Feels They Aren’t Treated Fairly

It’s common for teenagers to feel misunderstood or unfairly treated at home. Whether it’s about rules, responsibilities, or privileges, teens are at an age when they’re figuring out who they are and are especially sensitive to fairness. If your teenager tells you they don’t feel treated fairly, this can be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and help them develop resilience and perspective.

 Understanding the Teenage Perspective on Fairness

During adolescence, children experience significant cognitive and emotional growth, which affects their view of fairness. According to Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a developmental psychologist, teens are increasingly aware of social justice and equality, which extends to how they view their place in the family. They’re also developing their own identity, which can lead to greater sensitivity when they feel they’re being treated unfairly compared to siblings or friends .

Fairness, however, doesn’t always mean treating everyone exactly the same. Psychologist Dr. Michael Thompson explains that fairness is about meeting each child’s individual needs. Parents often make decisions based on a teen’s maturity, needs, or abilities, which can sometimes lead teens to feel that others are getting special treatment .

 Responding Supportively When Your Teen Expresses Feelings of Unfairness

When your teen says they feel unfairly treated, responding in a supportive and constructive way can help them feel valued and understood. Here are some strategies:

 1. Listen Without Judgment

  • When your teen tells you they feel unfairly treated, listen calmly and let them explain their feelings without interruption. According to Dr. John Gottman, an expert in family relationships, active listening can make children feel respected and valued, which helps foster a trusting and open relationship .
  • Try to validate their feelings by saying things like, “I understand that you feel this way,” even if you don’t agree. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing, but it lets your teen know their emotions are acknowledged.

 2. Explain Fairness Versus Equality

  • Fairness in parenting often means giving each child what they need, which may look different depending on age, maturity, and individual needs. For example, a younger sibling might have a different bedtime or a different set of responsibilities. Explaining the difference between fairness and equality can help your teen see why each family member might be treated differently.
  • Family therapist Dr. Jane Nelsen explains that explaining this distinction can reduce resentment and help children understand that they are not being “punished” or unfairly limited, but rather given what’s appropriate for their stage of development .

 3. Ask Questions to Understand Their Perspective

  • To fully understand why your teen feels unfairly treated, ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?” or “What would make this situation feel fairer to you?” Open-ended questions help you see things from their perspective and show your teen that you’re genuinely interested in understanding their feelings .
  • Research shows that when teens feel heard and understood by their parents, they’re more likely to accept decisions, even if they don’t fully agree .

 4. Acknowledge Your Own Mistakes

  • If there are times when you realize you may have been unfair without realizing it, don’t be afraid to admit it. Admitting mistakes can strengthen trust between you and your teen and show them that fairness matters to you as well.
  • Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher on vulnerability and family relationships, argues that admitting mistakes as a parent models accountability and teaches teens that it’s okay to acknowledge imperfections .

 Setting Clear Expectations and Boundaries

While understanding their feelings is important, consistency is key. Clear boundaries help teenagers feel secure and understand why rules are in place. Setting expectations and explaining the reasons behind rules can make them seem fairer to your teen.

 1. Discuss Expectations Openly

  • Have conversations with your teen about what is expected of them and why. When parents and teens discuss expectations together, it helps clarify boundaries and can prevent feelings of unfairness. For instance, explaining why curfews differ based on age or responsibility level can make the rules seem more reasonable .
  • Psychologist Dr. Wendy Mogel suggests involving teens in discussions about rules, which makes them feel more invested and responsible for their own actions .

 2. Be Consistent with Consequences

  • Consistency helps teens understand that rules apply to everyone in the family. If consequences are only enforced sometimes, teens may feel that rules are unfairly applied.
  • Consistent consequences, when applied in a fair and non-emotional way, reinforce the idea that rules are about safety and responsibility, not favoritism.

 Helping Your Teen Build Resilience and Perspective

Feelings of unfairness can be an opportunity for growth. Learning to handle situations that feel unfair helps teenagers develop resilience and prepares them for situations outside the family.

 1. Encourage Problem-Solving Skills

  • If your teen feels that a situation is unfair, work with them to brainstorm ways to improve it. For example, if they feel they have too many chores compared to a sibling, you might discuss a more balanced approach or find ways to rotate tasks. This teaches them to address perceived unfairness in constructive ways .
  • Studies show that encouraging teens to engage in problem-solving fosters independence and resilience, helping them deal with challenges throughout life .

 2. Model Empathy and Perspective-Taking

  • Encourage your teen to consider others’ perspectives as well. Ask questions like, “Why do you think your sibling might have different responsibilities?” or “How do you think we try to balance everyone’s needs?” This teaches empathy and helps your teen see family dynamics in a broader context.
  • Research by developmental psychologist Dr. Nancy Eisenberg suggests that teaching empathy and perspective-taking can enhance social skills and emotional intelligence in adolescents .

 Wrapping It Up: Fairness, Understanding, and Family Growth

Feeling unfairly treated is a common experience for teens, and how parents respond can shape their future interactions with others. By listening, validating feelings, explaining fairness versus equality, and involving them in discussions about expectations, you can build a more open and trusting relationship with your teen. And when misunderstandings occur, remember that these moments are opportunities to strengthen family bonds, build resilience, and help your teenager feel valued.

Every family dynamic is unique, and while it may not always be possible to avoid feelings of unfairness, responding with empathy, consistency, and open communication can help your teenager feel respected and understood.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

 References

1. Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

2. Thompson, M. (2009). It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Age 18. Ballantine Books.

3. Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. Simon & Schuster.

4. Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teens and Yourself Through Kind and Firm Parenting. Ballantine Books.

5. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Books.

6. Mogel, W. (2008). The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers. Scribner.

7. Eisenberg, N., & Spinrad, T. L. (2004). “Emotion-Related Regulation: Its Role in the Development of Empathy and Prosocial Behavior.” Annual Review of Psychology, 55, 535–570.

Feeling Like You’re Not Treated Fairly in Your Family: A Guide for Teens

It’s not unusual to feel like you’re being treated unfairly in your family. Maybe it seems like your siblings get more freedom, or perhaps you feel like your parents don’t listen to you as much as they should. Whatever the case, feeling overlooked or misunderstood can be frustrating. Learning how to handle these feelings can make a big difference in your family relationships and help you feel more understood and respected at home.

 Understanding Why You Might Feel This Way

Feeling like you’re not treated fairly can come from a lot of places. Sometimes it’s about comparing yourself to siblings, while other times it might be about feeling that your parents don’t understand your perspective. According to Dr. Karen Bogenschneider, a family relationship expert, teens often struggle with perceived inequality, especially if parents treat siblings differently. It’s natural to want fairness, but every family member may need different things at different times, which can sometimes look like favoritism .

 Fairness Doesn’t Always Mean Equality

One important thing to understand is that fairness and equality aren’t the same thing. Fairness is about getting what you need, while equality is about getting exactly the same thing as others. For example, if one of your siblings is younger, your parents might give them more help with schoolwork, while they trust you to work independently. This isn’t unfair; it’s just that your parents recognize you might not need as much guidance.

Dr. Michael Thompson, a psychologist who specializes in family dynamics, points out that parents make decisions based on each child’s unique needs and maturity level . So while it may look like your parents are treating you differently, it’s often because they’re considering what they think will work best for you individually.

 Communicating Your Feelings

When you feel like you’re not being treated fairly, it’s important to express those feelings constructively. Here’s how to have a calm and effective conversation with your family:

 1. Pick the Right Time

– Try to bring up your feelings during a calm moment when everyone is relaxed, rather than during an argument or right after something has upset you. According to the American Psychological Association, timing matters when it comes to discussing emotional issues; waiting until everyone is calm can make for a more positive conversation .

 2. Use “I Statements”

– Rather than saying, “You’re always unfair!” try saying, “I feel frustrated when I see my siblings getting different rules than I do.” “I statements” focus on your feelings and are less likely to make others defensive. Psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg suggests that using “I statements” helps people express their needs in a way that promotes understanding and reduces conflict .

 3. Ask Questions to Understand Your Parents’ Perspective

– You might say, “Can you help me understand why I have a different curfew than my sibling?” Asking questions can help you see things from your parents’ point of view, and it also shows them that you’re willing to listen.

Focusing on Your Strengths

Feeling like you’re not being treated fairly can sometimes make you feel less valued. During these times, it’s helpful to remember what makes you unique and focus on your strengths. Studies show that when teens focus on their own strengths, they tend to feel more confident and less affected by comparisons to others .

If you’re feeling overlooked, remind yourself of the things you’re good at and the positive qualities you bring to your family. Whether it’s your sense of humor, your creativity, or your ability to listen, every family member has unique strengths.

 Building Healthy Family Relationships

Maintaining a positive relationship with your family can be challenging, especially if you’re feeling misunderstood. However, working on those relationships can be rewarding and help you feel more connected to your family. Here are some tips for building healthy relationships at home:

 1. Show Appreciation

– Recognize the good things your family members do, even if it’s something small like making dinner or helping with homework. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude, expressing appreciation can improve relationships by making people feel valued and respected .

 2. Set Boundaries Respectfully

– It’s okay to let your family know when you need some space. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, politely let them know you need a little time alone to recharge.

 3. Be Open to Compromise

– Family relationships often require compromise. For example, if you want more freedom, consider negotiating with your parents—maybe you get a later curfew on weekends if you show responsibility during the week.

Seeking Support Outside Your Family

If you’re struggling with family dynamics, it can help to talk to someone outside your family, like a friend, teacher, counselor, or mentor. According to a study published in Journal of Youth and Adolescence, teens who have strong support systems outside their family tend to have better coping skills and feel more understood . Talking to someone else can give you a fresh perspective and help you find new ways to deal with your feelings.

 Remember: Family Relationships Take Time

Family dynamics aren’t always easy, and feeling misunderstood or overlooked is a common experience for teens. But remember that family relationships are long-term. As you grow and change, so will your relationships with your family. In the meantime, learning to communicate calmly, focus on your strengths, and find support outside your family can help you handle these challenges in a positive way.

Feeling like you’re not treated fairly in your family doesn’t have to lead to conflict or resentment. By expressing your feelings constructively, focusing on what makes you unique, and building positive family relationships, you can navigate these challenges and build a stronger connection with your family over time.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at [email protected].

References

  1. Bogenschneider, K. (2004). Family Policy Matters: How Policymaking Affects Families and What Professionals Can Do. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  2. Thompson, M. (2001). The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life. Ballantine Books.
  3. American Psychological Association. (2021). “Discussing Tough Topics with Family.” APA. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/.
  4. Rosenberg, M. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
  5. Waters, L., & Sun, J. (2017). “The Impact of Strength-Based Parenting on Life Satisfaction and Subjective Wellbeing of Adolescents.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 46(4), 848-861.
  6. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.
  7. Dubow, E. F., & Ullman, D. G. (1989). “Support, Stress, and Psychological Symptoms Among Early Adolescents.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 18(3), 191–204.