Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC

Category Personal Growth

Healthy Forms of Validation: Recognizing and Seeking Supportive Affirmation

Validation is the process of understanding, affirming, and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences. Receiving healthy validation plays an essential role in building self-esteem, enhancing relationships, and promoting emotional resilience. However, it’s essential to recognize and seek out validation that is healthy and constructive. Here’s an overview of different types of validation and strategies for recognizing and pursuing them effectively.

Why Validation Matters

Validation from others reassures us that our feelings and experiences are understood and accepted. Research shows that receiving consistent, positive validation from supportive people can lead to improved mental health, stronger relationships, and a more secure sense of self (Linehan, 1993). According to self-determination theory, validation can also foster autonomy, competence, and relatedness, which are essential for psychological well-being (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

However, relying solely on external validation can be harmful, leading to dependency and reduced self-esteem. Instead, it’s beneficial to balance seeking validation from others with developing self-validation practices.

1. Types of Healthy Validation

  • Emotional Validation: Emotional validation involves acknowledging and accepting someone’s feelings without judgment. This can be as simple as listening attentively, empathizing, and affirming that the other person’s feelings are understandable. Emotional validation reinforces that feelings are valid and that it’s okay to feel what one feels (Linehan, 1993).
  • Validation of Effort and Progress: Praising effort rather than outcomes is a powerful form of validation that can reinforce persistence, self-compassion, and growth. Validating someone’s efforts, even if they fall short of success, promotes a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities to learn rather than sources of failure (Dweck, 2006).
  • Authentic Affirmations: Authentic affirmations recognize specific qualities, skills, or positive contributions that a person has shown. This validation should be specific rather than generic to reinforce self-worth in an honest, meaningful way (Wood et al., 2008).

2. Recognizing Healthy Validation

Healthy validation has distinct characteristics that make it different from unhealthy or superficial validation. Here’s how to identify it:

  • Respectful and Non-Judgmental: Healthy validation acknowledges your experiences without judgment or dismissal. Research shows that people who validate respectfully build stronger, more trusting relationships (Kross et al., 2014).
  • Specific and Genuine: Unlike generic praise, specific and genuine validation is grounded in real examples. For example, instead of saying “You’re smart,” healthy validation might sound like “I noticed how thoughtful you were when you solved that problem.” This specificity makes the affirmation more meaningful and believable (Wood et al., 2008).
  • Supportive but Not Enabling: Healthy validation encourages personal growth and resilience. It acknowledges your feelings and experiences without enabling unhelpful behaviors, promoting personal accountability and independence (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

3. How to Seek Out Healthy Validation

While it can be challenging to seek validation directly, there are strategies to create environments and relationships where it naturally occurs:

  • Communicate Openly: Sharing how you feel and what kind of support you need can help others understand your perspective and respond in validating ways. Research suggests that people who openly communicate their feelings are more likely to receive affirming responses, as clear communication reduces misunderstandings (Gottman, 2011).
  • Seek Supportive Relationships: Prioritize connections with people who genuinely care about your well-being and listen to you. Friendships and relationships that emphasize empathy, understanding, and honest feedback are more likely to offer healthy validation (Reis & Shaver, 1988).
  • Set Boundaries Around Validation-Seeking: Being mindful of how and when you seek validation can help prevent over-dependence on others. Seeking validation when genuinely needed, rather than as a habit, can help you distinguish between healthy support and dependency (Neff, 2003).

4. Building Self-Validation Skills

Relying on oneself for validation is a healthy, empowering practice that can lead to greater self-confidence and resilience:

  • Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is a form of self-validation that involves treating yourself kindly, especially during challenging times. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, practicing self-compassion can help you become your own source of validation, reducing dependency on external sources (Neff, 2003).
  • Acknowledge Your Own Efforts: Celebrating your progress, no matter how small, reinforces self-validation. This practice helps you recognize your own efforts, fostering a positive self-image and reducing the need for constant external approval (Dweck, 2006).
  • Mindfulness and Journaling: Reflecting on your experiences, thoughts, and emotions through mindfulness or journaling can help you recognize your feelings and validate them internally. This process strengthens self-awareness and helps you rely less on external feedback (Kabat-Zinn, 2003).

Conclusion

Validation is a powerful element of healthy relationships and self-esteem, but it’s essential to seek out healthy, constructive forms of affirmation. By recognizing the qualities of healthy validation, seeking it from supportive people, and building self-validation skills, individuals can enhance their emotional resilience and improve their overall well-being.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  • Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
  • Gottman, J. M. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W.W. Norton & Company.
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). American Psychological Association.
  • Kross, E., et al. (2014). Social rejection and the brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 18(1), 15-21.
  • Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
  • Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
  • Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In Handbook of Personal Relationships, 367-389.
  • Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
  • Wood, A. M., et al. (2008). The role of gratitude in the development of social support, stress, and depression: Two longitudinal studies. Journal of Research in Personality, 42(4), 854-871.

This article provides a guide to recognizing and seeking healthy forms of validation based on research and psychological theories. Let me know if there’s any area you’d like to explore in more depth.

Do I Act “Entitled”? A Teenager’s Perspective

In today’s world, the concept of “entitlement” is often associated with young people. But what does it really mean to be “entitled”? At its core, entitlement is a sense of deserving special treatment or privileges without necessarily earning them (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). While entitlement isn’t inherently bad, when unchecked, it can lead to negative behaviors and strained relationships. This article aims to help you, as a teenager, understand entitlement from your perspective and how it might impact your life.

 What is Entitlement?

Entitlement is a mindset where people believe they deserve certain rights or privileges without putting in effort or showing gratitude. It’s like expecting a reward without doing the work or expecting things to go your way just because you want them to. Psychologists Dr. Jean Twenge and Dr. W. Keith Campbell define it as “a stable and pervasive sense that one deserves more and is entitled to more than others” (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). This can sometimes show up as expecting praise for things that should be standard or demanding special treatment in different situations.

 Signs of Entitlement in Teenagers

According to psychologists, entitlement can sometimes develop naturally during teenage years as you seek more independence and explore self-identity (APA, 2013). Here are some common signs of entitlement to reflect on:

  1. Expecting Praise for Basic Responsibilities  If you often expect praise for everyday responsibilities, like finishing your homework or chores, this might be a sign of entitlement. While appreciation is important, basic responsibilities are usually expected without special recognition.
  2. Demanding Special Treatment  Entitlement can show up when you believe you should be treated differently just because of who you are. For instance, if you often feel frustrated when others don’t give you special privileges, it may be worth reflecting on why you feel that way.
  3. Ignoring Others’ Needs  Entitlement can lead to a focus on one’s own needs while overlooking others. If you frequently expect your family or friends to go out of their way for you, without offering support in return, it might be a sign of an entitled attitude.
  4. 4. Struggling with Criticism or Rejection  Those with entitled mindsets often have a hard time handling criticism or rejection. If you find yourself getting overly defensive or hurt when people offer constructive feedback, it could be a sign of entitlement.

 Why Does Entitlement Happen?

Entitlement can sometimes be a byproduct of wanting to feel special or unique. During adolescence, as you figure out who you are, it’s normal to crave validation. However, the rise of social media can add pressure to appear “successful” or “popular,” which sometimes fuels entitled thinking (Kross & Verduyn, 2018). Additionally, cultural factors, like messages in media, often promote self-focus and immediate gratification, which can also impact how entitled we feel.

Family environment and upbringing also play a role. For example, when parents give constant praise without boundaries or shield children from any failure, it can lead to entitlement (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). This isn’t to say praise is harmful, but balance is key.

 The Downsides of Entitlement

While a small amount of entitlement can build confidence, too much can create challenges. Research shows that entitled attitudes are linked to difficulty in relationships, dissatisfaction with life, and even increased mental health struggles, like depression and anxiety (Grubbs & Exline, 2016). When we expect too much from others, we risk pushing people away and experiencing disappointment when things don’t go our way.

Entitlement can also hinder personal growth. By always expecting others to meet your needs, you may miss out on learning resilience, empathy, and problem-solving skills, which are essential for navigating adulthood.

 How to Recognize and Reduce Entitlement

1. Practice Gratitude  One of the simplest ways to combat entitlement is to cultivate gratitude. Instead of focusing on what you lack or what you deserve, take time each day to recognize things you’re grateful for. Research shows that practicing gratitude can increase happiness and reduce feelings of entitlement (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

2. Work on Self-Awareness     Reflect on your actions and motives. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I feel I deserve special treatment, or am I genuinely interested in contributing?” By becoming more aware of your thoughts and actions, you can shift toward a more balanced perspective.

3. Learn to Accept Criticism  Learning to accept constructive criticism is a valuable skill that helps build resilience. Instead of feeling hurt or defensive, try to see criticism as an opportunity to grow and improve.

4. Build Empathy     Practice thinking about others’ perspectives and needs. Ask yourself how your actions impact others. Empathy helps build meaningful relationships and reduces entitlement by reminding you that others have their own needs and challenges.

5. Develop a Growth Mindset  Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset suggests that people who focus on growth over fixed achievements are more likely to be successful and satisfied in life (Dweck, 2006). By focusing on effort and improvement rather than expecting outcomes, you can shift away from entitlement.

Recognizing entitlement can be challenging, especially when society often reinforces a “me-first” mentality. However, by practicing gratitude, empathy, and self-awareness, you can avoid the pitfalls of entitlement and develop stronger, healthier relationships with those around you. Remember, the path to true confidence and self-worth doesn’t come from expecting special treatment but from treating others and yourself with respect and understanding.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

 References

  • American Psychological Association. (2013). Developing Adolescents: A Reference for Professionals. American Psychological Association.
  • Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
  • Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.
  • Grubbs, J. B., & Exline, J. J. (2016). Trait entitlement as an emotion regulation strategy: A longitudinal study of its effects on perceived stress, depressive symptoms, and self-esteem. Journal of Research in Personality, 61, 27-34.
  • Kross, E., & Verduyn, P. (2018). Social media and well-being: Pitfalls, progress, and next steps. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 22(7), 558-560.
  • Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.
 Why Do We Follow What We Think Is Popular?

Imagine you’re sitting at lunch, and everyone around you is talking about the latest song, the coolest clothes, or the newest app. Suddenly, you feel a strong pull to check it out, too. But why do we feel this way? Why do we often follow what we think is popular, even if it’s not something we’re really into? In this article, we’ll explore why following trends and popular things is so tempting, especially for young people.

 1. The Power of Social Influence

Humans are social creatures, which means we often look to others to guide our behavior. This is known as social influence. Psychologists explain that we tend to follow others to fit in, especially when we’re in situations where we feel uncertain or uncomfortable. When we see many people liking something or talking about it, we assume it must be good or interesting. For pre-teens and teens, this desire to fit in is even stronger as you’re discovering your identity and forming social groups (Cialdini, 2007).

Social influence works in two main ways:

  • Normative Influence: This is when we follow others because we want to be accepted. We wear what’s “in style” or talk about the same things so we don’t feel left out.
  • Informational Influence: This is when we believe that others know something we don’t. If everyone in your class starts listening to a new band, you might assume that it’s worth listening to because so many people like it.

 2. The Role of the Brain

Did you know your brain also has a role in why we follow what’s popular? The prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and understanding social situations, is still developing during your pre-teen years. Because of this, young people are more likely to be influenced by what they see around them (Steinberg, 2013).

In fact, studies show that when people experience social acceptance or positive feedback from others, the brain releases a chemical called dopamine (Sherman et al., 2016). Dopamine is often called the “feel-good” hormone because it makes us feel happy and rewarded. This can make following trends or doing what others do even more appealing, as we get that rewarding feeling from being included.

 3. Social Media and Trends

Social media plays a big role in what we think is popular today. Platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat constantly show us the latest trends in fashion, music, and even behaviors. Algorithms on these platforms are designed to keep us engaged by showing us what’s popular or “viral.” Because we see so many people doing the same challenges, wearing similar outfits, or using the same slang, we might feel pressured to follow along.

Researchers have found that people tend to feel more confident in their choices when they believe others are making the same choices (Bond & Smith, 1996). This is called the bandwagon effect. On social media, when we see thousands of people liking, sharing, or commenting on something, we assume it’s worth paying attention to and are more likely to join in, even if we might not actually like it ourselves.

 4. Identity and Self-Expression

As pre-teens, you’re discovering who you are and how you want to be seen by others. Trying out trends is one way of exploring your identity. When we dress a certain way or listen to certain music, we’re also expressing our values and interests. Following popular trends can sometimes make it easier to connect with others who share similar interests, helping us feel like we belong to a group (Erikson, 1968).

However, there’s also a downside to this. If we focus too much on what others think is cool or popular, we might end up doing things just to fit in rather than because we truly enjoy them. Remember that it’s okay to be different and to like things that aren’t popular, too.

 5. Finding a Balance

While it’s natural to be influenced by what’s popular, it’s also important to find a balance. Here are some tips to help you stay true to yourself while navigating trends:

  • Ask yourself why: Before following a trend, ask yourself if it’s something you really like or if you’re just following it to fit in.
  • Experiment with different styles: It’s okay to try out different things and figure out what you like. You might find that you enjoy some trends and dislike others.
  • Stay open-minded: Being aware of trends can be fun, but remember that you don’t have to follow every trend to feel accepted or confident.

Following popular trends is something we all do at times, especially as we’re figuring out who we are. But by learning to think about why we’re drawn to certain trends, we can make more confident choices about what we really like. Trends come and go, but your unique personality and interests are what make you truly stand out.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

 References

  • Bond, R., & Smith, P. B. (1996). Culture and conformity: A meta-analysis of studies using Asch’s (1952b, 1956) line judgment task. Psychological Bulletin, 119(1), 111–137.
  • Cialdini, R. B. (2007). Influence: The psychology of persuasion. Harper Business.
  • Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. W. W. Norton & Company.
  • Sherman, L. E., Payton, A. A., Hernandez, L. M., Greenfield, P. M., & Dapretto, M. (2016). The Power of the Like in Adolescence: Effects of Peer Influence on Neural and Behavioral Responses to Social Media. Psychological Science, 27(7), 1027-1035.
  • Steinberg, L. (2013). Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence. Houghton Mifflin
Have You Ever Thought You Forgave Someone Only to Find Out You Hadn’t? Understanding Forgiveness and Its Complex Layers

Forgiveness is often considered a vital step toward emotional healing, allowing individuals to release resentment and move forward. However, many people experience situations where they believe they have forgiven someone, only to later realize that the lingering feelings of hurt and resentment suggest otherwise. This phenomenon highlights the complexity of forgiveness, revealing that it may not be as straightforward as it initially seems. The purpose of this article is to explore the nature of forgiveness, the reasons why individuals might struggle with genuine forgiveness, and the implications of unfinished forgiveness on mental health and well-being.

Understanding Forgiveness

Forgiveness is typically defined as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve it (American Psychological Association, 2023). Research on forgiveness indicates that it involves both cognitive and emotional processes, meaning it isn’t just about letting go mentally; it also involves genuine emotional healing (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015).

Forgiveness can be separated into two main types: decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness (Worthington, 2006). Decisional forgiveness is the conscious decision to forgive someone and act as if the hurt no longer impacts the relationship. Emotional forgiveness, however, involves truly letting go of the negative feelings and emotional responses associated with the hurt. It is possible for an individual to experience decisional forgiveness without achieving emotional forgiveness, which can explain why some people believe they have forgiven someone only to later realize that they haven’t fully done so.

Why Forgiveness Can Be Difficult to Fully Achieve

There are several reasons why genuine forgiveness may be challenging to accomplish. Some of the most common factors include the following:

1. Residual Resentment: Even after making a decision to forgive, individuals may still hold on to lingering negative feelings. Research by McCullough et al. (2003) suggests that emotional forgiveness is a gradual process that unfolds over time, rather than an instant event. Unresolved anger, sadness, or betrayal can resurface, especially when triggered by related events or memories.

2. Self-Protection Mechanisms: For some individuals, holding onto resentment serves as a psychological defense mechanism to prevent future harm. By not fully forgiving, individuals may feel they are protecting themselves from further hurt (Wade, Hoyt, & Worthington, 2014). In this sense, forgiveness might feel like vulnerability, as it involves letting go of a protective barrier against potential future pain.

3. Mistrust and Lack of Reconciliation: Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. When the person who caused harm has not taken responsibility, offered an apology, or changed their behavior, individuals may find it difficult to move toward true emotional forgiveness (Exline & Baumeister, 2000). The absence of reconciliation can lead to doubts about forgiveness, as it feels unfinished or insincere without mutual effort.

4. Reliving Past Trauma: Certain offenses may be tied to deeper emotional wounds or traumas. If the original hurt triggered past trauma, forgiving can be even more difficult because it involves working through multiple layers of pain. Research indicates that people who have experienced significant trauma often struggle with forgiveness, as unresolved trauma complicates the healing process (Toussaint, Worthington, & Williams, 2015).

5. Expectations and Idealized Forgiveness: Cultural and religious beliefs often encourage forgiveness as a moral or spiritual obligation, creating pressure to forgive quickly or completely (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015). However, when individuals try to “force” forgiveness due to external expectations rather than genuine emotional readiness, they may mistake the decision for actual healing. Over time, this dissonance between expectation and reality can become evident, revealing incomplete forgiveness.

Signs of Unfinished Forgiveness

Realizing that one has not truly forgiven can manifest in various ways. Some common signs include:

• Ruminating on the Hurt: When individuals continue to think about the offense or replay events in their minds, it may be a sign that forgiveness has not been fully achieved. Persistent rumination indicates unresolved emotional processing, suggesting that genuine forgiveness has not yet been reached (Toussaint et al., 2015).

• Negative Emotional Triggers: Experiencing anger, sadness, or resentment when thinking about the person or event can indicate unfinished forgiveness. Emotional triggers often reveal hidden feelings that were not addressed in the initial forgiveness decision (McCullough et al., 2003).

• Difficulty in Maintaining Positive Interactions: Struggling to feel positively toward the person involved or finding it challenging to engage in meaningful interactions can indicate that forgiveness remains incomplete (Wade et al., 2014). True forgiveness often includes an element of goodwill or empathy toward the other person, even if reconciliation is not achieved.

Strategies for Genuine Forgiveness

For those who realize they have not fully forgiven, several approaches can help facilitate emotional forgiveness:

1. Self-Compassion and Patience: Allowing oneself to feel and process emotions without judgment is essential. Genuine forgiveness is not a quick process; it requires patience and self-compassion (Worthington, 2006).

2. Therapeutic Support: Therapy can provide a safe space to explore lingering emotions, especially for those dealing with trauma-related forgiveness struggles. Techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy and forgiveness therapy can aid in processing and releasing negative emotions (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015).

3. Practicing Empathy and Perspective-Taking: Research shows that empathy can promote forgiveness by helping individuals understand the other person’s motivations and perspectives (McCullough et al., 2003). This does not excuse harmful behavior but can foster emotional release.

4. Journaling and Reflective Exercises: Writing about feelings, thoughts, and experiences related to the offense can help bring clarity to unfinished forgiveness. This process can encourage emotional expression and insight, paving the way for genuine forgiveness (Toussaint et al., 2015).

Conclusion

The journey toward forgiveness is complex and personal. Many people believe they have forgiven, only to later discover that deeper emotions remain unresolved. Recognizing this experience is an important step in the healing process. Genuine forgiveness requires emotional processing, self-compassion, and, at times, professional support. While decisional forgiveness may happen quickly, emotional forgiveness is often a gradual, layered experience that unfolds over time. By acknowledging the intricacies of forgiveness, individuals can work toward authentic emotional healing and peace.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the executive director and provider for outpatient services at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral health based out of London Kentucky. He may be reached at 606-657-0532 extension 10 one or by email at john@sekybh.com

References

American Psychological Association. (2023). Forgiveness. Retrieved from APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness Therapy: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. American Psychological Association.

Exline, J. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). Expressing forgiveness and repentance: Benefits and barriers. In M. E. McCullough, K. I. Pargament, & C. E. Thoresen (Eds.), Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 133–155). Guilford Press.

McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L., & Rachal, K. C. (2003). Interpersonal forgiveness in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(2), 321–336.

Toussaint, L., Worthington, E. L., & Williams, D. R. (2015). Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health. Springer.

Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., & Worthington, E. L. (2014). Forgiveness interventions: A meta-analytic review of individual and group applications. Counseling Psychology Quarterly, 27(4), 431–452.

Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. InterVarsity Press.

Feeling Like You’re Not Treated Fairly in Your Family: A Guide for Teens

It’s not unusual to feel like you’re being treated unfairly in your family. Maybe it seems like your siblings get more freedom, or perhaps you feel like your parents don’t listen to you as much as they should. Whatever the case, feeling overlooked or misunderstood can be frustrating. Learning how to handle these feelings can make a big difference in your family relationships and help you feel more understood and respected at home.

 Understanding Why You Might Feel This Way

Feeling like you’re not treated fairly can come from a lot of places. Sometimes it’s about comparing yourself to siblings, while other times it might be about feeling that your parents don’t understand your perspective. According to Dr. Karen Bogenschneider, a family relationship expert, teens often struggle with perceived inequality, especially if parents treat siblings differently. It’s natural to want fairness, but every family member may need different things at different times, which can sometimes look like favoritism .

 Fairness Doesn’t Always Mean Equality

One important thing to understand is that fairness and equality aren’t the same thing. Fairness is about getting what you need, while equality is about getting exactly the same thing as others. For example, if one of your siblings is younger, your parents might give them more help with schoolwork, while they trust you to work independently. This isn’t unfair; it’s just that your parents recognize you might not need as much guidance.

Dr. Michael Thompson, a psychologist who specializes in family dynamics, points out that parents make decisions based on each child’s unique needs and maturity level . So while it may look like your parents are treating you differently, it’s often because they’re considering what they think will work best for you individually.

 Communicating Your Feelings

When you feel like you’re not being treated fairly, it’s important to express those feelings constructively. Here’s how to have a calm and effective conversation with your family:

 1. Pick the Right Time

– Try to bring up your feelings during a calm moment when everyone is relaxed, rather than during an argument or right after something has upset you. According to the American Psychological Association, timing matters when it comes to discussing emotional issues; waiting until everyone is calm can make for a more positive conversation .

 2. Use “I Statements”

– Rather than saying, “You’re always unfair!” try saying, “I feel frustrated when I see my siblings getting different rules than I do.” “I statements” focus on your feelings and are less likely to make others defensive. Psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg suggests that using “I statements” helps people express their needs in a way that promotes understanding and reduces conflict .

 3. Ask Questions to Understand Your Parents’ Perspective

– You might say, “Can you help me understand why I have a different curfew than my sibling?” Asking questions can help you see things from your parents’ point of view, and it also shows them that you’re willing to listen.

Focusing on Your Strengths

Feeling like you’re not being treated fairly can sometimes make you feel less valued. During these times, it’s helpful to remember what makes you unique and focus on your strengths. Studies show that when teens focus on their own strengths, they tend to feel more confident and less affected by comparisons to others .

If you’re feeling overlooked, remind yourself of the things you’re good at and the positive qualities you bring to your family. Whether it’s your sense of humor, your creativity, or your ability to listen, every family member has unique strengths.

 Building Healthy Family Relationships

Maintaining a positive relationship with your family can be challenging, especially if you’re feeling misunderstood. However, working on those relationships can be rewarding and help you feel more connected to your family. Here are some tips for building healthy relationships at home:

 1. Show Appreciation

– Recognize the good things your family members do, even if it’s something small like making dinner or helping with homework. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude, expressing appreciation can improve relationships by making people feel valued and respected .

 2. Set Boundaries Respectfully

– It’s okay to let your family know when you need some space. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, politely let them know you need a little time alone to recharge.

 3. Be Open to Compromise

– Family relationships often require compromise. For example, if you want more freedom, consider negotiating with your parents—maybe you get a later curfew on weekends if you show responsibility during the week.

Seeking Support Outside Your Family

If you’re struggling with family dynamics, it can help to talk to someone outside your family, like a friend, teacher, counselor, or mentor. According to a study published in Journal of Youth and Adolescence, teens who have strong support systems outside their family tend to have better coping skills and feel more understood . Talking to someone else can give you a fresh perspective and help you find new ways to deal with your feelings.

 Remember: Family Relationships Take Time

Family dynamics aren’t always easy, and feeling misunderstood or overlooked is a common experience for teens. But remember that family relationships are long-term. As you grow and change, so will your relationships with your family. In the meantime, learning to communicate calmly, focus on your strengths, and find support outside your family can help you handle these challenges in a positive way.

Feeling like you’re not treated fairly in your family doesn’t have to lead to conflict or resentment. By expressing your feelings constructively, focusing on what makes you unique, and building positive family relationships, you can navigate these challenges and build a stronger connection with your family over time.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  1. Bogenschneider, K. (2004). Family Policy Matters: How Policymaking Affects Families and What Professionals Can Do. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  2. Thompson, M. (2001). The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life. Ballantine Books.
  3. American Psychological Association. (2021). “Discussing Tough Topics with Family.” APA. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/.
  4. Rosenberg, M. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
  5. Waters, L., & Sun, J. (2017). “The Impact of Strength-Based Parenting on Life Satisfaction and Subjective Wellbeing of Adolescents.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 46(4), 848-861.
  6. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.
  7. Dubow, E. F., & Ullman, D. G. (1989). “Support, Stress, and Psychological Symptoms Among Early Adolescents.” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 18(3), 191–204.
Be Intentional with the Intimacy in Your Relationship

Intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It creates emotional, physical, and mental bonds that bring couples closer and strengthen their connection. However, as relationships evolve, life’s pressures can lead to intimacy taking a back seat, often resulting in emotional distance. To maintain a vibrant and loving relationship, it’s crucial to be intentional with intimacy—whether it’s emotional, physical, or sexual. By being purposeful and mindful about nurturing closeness, couples can prevent drift and reignite the spark.

 The Importance of Intentional Intimacy

Intentional intimacy refers to the conscious effort to foster closeness and connection in a relationship. Unlike the spontaneous passion that may occur in the early stages of romance, intentional intimacy requires ongoing dedication, particularly in long-term relationships. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert in relationship dynamics, asserts that couples who consistently prioritize emotional and physical connection are more likely to maintain a happy and fulfilling relationship over time. According to Gottman, small, intentional gestures of intimacy build emotional “love maps,” strengthening the bond between partners.

 Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of Connection

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires with your partner in a way that promotes vulnerability and trust. However, this level of connection doesn’t happen automatically; it requires effort and communication.

To be intentional about emotional intimacy, couples must create spaces for deep conversations. This could involve setting aside time for regular check-ins, where both partners can share their feelings openly. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that “secure attachment” is critical to emotional intimacy, as it allows partners to feel safe and supported by one another. This sense of security leads to greater emotional closeness and satisfaction in the relationship .

 Tips to Cultivate Emotional Intimacy:

  • Schedule regular “talk time”: Dedicate time each week for uninterrupted conversation where you both share thoughts, worries, and dreams.
  • Practice active listening: Show genuine interest in your partner’s experiences and validate their emotions. This strengthens emotional trust.
  • Share appreciations daily: Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s qualities and actions nurtures a positive emotional climate.

 Physical Intimacy: Small Gestures with Big Impact

Physical intimacy is not limited to sexual activity; it also includes everyday gestures like holding hands, hugging, and cuddling. Research shows that physical touch can significantly impact relationship satisfaction by boosting oxytocin levels, also known as the “bonding hormone,” which fosters feelings of connection and security.

Being intentional with physical intimacy involves incorporating these gestures into your daily routine. Small acts, such as a hug before leaving for work or holding hands during a walk, can be powerful ways to maintain closeness. Physical affection communicates love, care, and comfort, helping partners feel valued and connected even during stressful times.

 Ways to Enhance Physical Intimacy:

  • Increase non-sexual touch: Hugs, kisses, holding hands, and gentle touches are important ways to stay physically connected.
  • Create physical routines: For example, commit to greeting each other with a hug after a long day or cuddling for a few minutes before bed.
  • Make space for sexual intimacy: While everyday touch is important, carving out time for sexual connection helps keep the physical aspect of your relationship alive.

 Sexual Intimacy: Rediscovering Passion with Purpose

Sexual intimacy is an essential part of most romantic relationships, and over time, it can become less frequent or less satisfying if not intentionally prioritized. Many couples assume that sexual connection will naturally occur, but as relationships progress and life becomes busier, this often isn’t the case.

Sex therapist Esther Perel argues that to sustain passion in a long-term relationship, couples must balance intimacy with desire. Intentionality in the sexual relationship might involve scheduling time for intimacy, exploring new ways to connect, or discussing each partner’s desires and boundaries . This level of communication fosters trust and helps partners feel safe expressing their needs.

 Strategies for Reigniting Sexual Intimacy:

  • Schedule time for intimacy: While it may seem unromantic, planning for intimacy ensures that it remains a priority amidst busy schedules.
  • Explore together: Be open to trying new activities, discussing fantasies, or changing the environment to rediscover desire.
  • Communicate openly about desires: Honest conversations about sexual needs and boundaries help ensure both partners feel satisfied and respected.

 The Power of Intentional Acts of Love

In a fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in work, parenting, or other responsibilities, leaving little time for nurturing intimacy. However, small, intentional acts of love can be transformative. Whether it’s a simple “I love you” text during the day, a thoughtful compliment, or spending five minutes hugging, these gestures remind your partner that they are cherished and loved.

Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the “Five Love Languages” offers insight into how couples can be intentional in expressing love in ways that are meaningful to their partner. By learning whether your partner values words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch, you can engage in targeted acts of love that resonate deeply .

 Building a Culture of Intentional Intimacy

Being intentional about intimacy doesn’t mean grand gestures or elaborate plans—it means consistently showing up for your partner and nurturing the connection. As author Brene Brown explains, vulnerability is key to fostering true intimacy. When couples intentionally create space for vulnerability, they build a deeper emotional and physical connection that sustains their relationship over time .

 Practical Steps for Building Intentional Intimacy:

  1. Schedule regular date nights: Make time for each other away from the stresses of daily life to focus on the relationship.
  2. Check-in daily: Even a brief conversation about your day can keep you emotionally connected.
  3. Celebrate small moments: Intimacy grows through appreciating the small, everyday moments of life together.
  4. Express affection frequently: Whether through words or touch, let your partner know they are loved.

 Conclusion

Intimacy is the heartbeat of a thriving relationship. Being intentional about emotional, physical, and sexual closeness fosters deeper connections, strengthens trust, and rekindles passion. By making small but meaningful efforts to prioritize intimacy, couples can move beyond autopilot and rediscover the love and connection that brought them together in the first place.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

Using “I” Statements to Manage Anger: A Guide for Teens

Teens often experience intense emotions as they navigate the challenges of adolescence. One of the most common emotions that can be difficult to manage is anger. Whether it’s due to conflicts with friends, family, or school pressures, anger can quickly escalate if not handled in a healthy way. One effective communication tool that can help manage anger is the use of “I” statements. In this article, we will explore how teens can use “I” statements to express their feelings more constructively and reduce the likelihood of conflicts.

What Are “I” Statements?

“I” statements are a way of expressing your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing others. They allow you to take ownership of your emotions and communicate them assertively. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” (a “you” statement), you would say, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard” (an “I” statement). This shift in communication style can help diffuse tension and encourage more productive conversations (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021).

Why “I” Statements Work

When teens use “you” statements, it can come across as blaming or criticizing, which often leads to defensiveness and escalates conflict. “I” statements, on the other hand, focus on the speaker’s feelings and the impact of a situation rather than accusing the other person. This approach makes it easier for others to understand and respond to your needs without feeling attacked (Child Mind Institute, 2020).

By using “I” statements, teens can:

  • Express their feelings without escalating anger.
  • Take responsibility for their emotions.
  • Encourage open and honest communication.
  • Reduce misunderstandings and conflict.

How to Use “I” Statements When Angry

  1. Start with “I feel”
  • The first part of an “I” statement is to identify your emotion. For example, “I feel upset,” “I feel frustrated,” or “I feel hurt.” This focuses the conversation on your emotional experience rather than blaming the other person (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Describe the Situation
  • The second part of the statement explains what situation or behavior caused you to feel this way. For example, “I feel upset when you interrupt me,” or “I feel frustrated when I’m not included in decisions.” This provides context without sounding accusatory (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. State the Impact
  • Next, describe how the situation impacts you or why it matters. For example, “I feel left out when I’m not part of the conversation,” or “I feel stressed when plans change suddenly.” This part helps others understand why the issue is important to you (APA, 2021).
  1. Suggest a Solution or Request
  • Finally, suggest a way to resolve the issue or express what you need moving forward. For example, “I need to be included in decisions that affect me,” or “I would appreciate it if you could give me a heads-up when plans change.” This helps the other person understand how they can help meet your needs (Friedman, 2020).

Examples of “I” Statements

Here are some common situations where teens might feel angry, along with examples of how to use “I” statements:

  • Situation: Your friend cancels plans at the last minute.
  • You Statement: “You always cancel on me!”
  • I Statement: “I feel disappointed when plans get canceled at the last minute because I was really looking forward to hanging out.”
  • Situation: Your sibling goes into your room without permission.
  • You Statement: “You never respect my space!”
  • I Statement: “I feel upset when you go into my room without asking because I value my privacy.”
  • Situation: A classmate interrupts you during a group discussion.
  • You Statement: “You’re always interrupting me!”
  • I Statement: “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted during discussions because it makes it harder for me to share my ideas.”

Benefits of Using “I” Statements

  1. Promotes Emotional Awareness
  • When teens use “I” statements, they become more aware of their own emotions and how specific situations affect them. This emotional awareness is a crucial part of anger management because it helps teens pause, reflect, and express their feelings more thoughtfully (Torrente, 2019).
  1. Encourages Positive Communication
  • Using “I” statements fosters more open, respectful conversations. By focusing on your own feelings rather than accusing others, you reduce the likelihood of defensiveness and create a space for positive dialogue (APA, 2021).
  1. Reduces Conflict and Builds Relationships
  • Since “I” statements are less likely to trigger defensiveness, they help prevent conflicts from escalating. Teens who use this communication style are more likely to build stronger, healthier relationships with friends, family, and peers (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Promotes Problem-Solving
  • “I” statements shift the focus from blaming to finding solutions. By expressing what you need and how you feel, you make it easier for others to work with you to resolve the issue and meet your needs (Child Mind Institute, 2020).

Overcoming Challenges in Using “I” Statements

While “I” statements can be effective, it may take time and practice to use them consistently, especially in moments of anger. Here are some tips to help teens get comfortable with this communication style:

  1. Practice When Calm
  • The best time to practice “I” statements is when you’re not already upset. Try role-playing with a friend or family member so you can get used to the structure before using it in real-life situations (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Take a Break if Needed
  • If you feel too angry to communicate effectively, it’s okay to step away and cool down. After you’ve calmed down, you can return to the conversation and use an “I” statement to express your feelings (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Be Patient with Yourself
  • It’s normal for teens to struggle with new communication techniques, especially when emotions are running high. Be patient with yourself and remember that it’s okay to make mistakes as you learn how to use “I” statements more effectively (Torrente, 2019).

Conclusion

Using “I” statements is a powerful tool that helps teens manage anger, express their emotions constructively, and reduce conflicts in relationships. By focusing on their own feelings and needs rather than blaming others, teens can create more open, respectful conversations. Practicing “I” statements regularly can lead to better emotional regulation, healthier relationships, and a more peaceful way of handling anger. Over time, this skill becomes an essential part of managing emotions and improving communication.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Torrente, R. (2019). Mindfulness for Teens: Proven Techniques to Reduce Stress, Manage Emotions, and Improve Focus. Rockridge Press.

Seeking Help for Anger Management: A Guide for Teens

Anger is a natural human emotion, but when it becomes overwhelming or difficult to control, it can lead to problems in relationships, school, and personal well-being. For many teens, anger can feel like a powerful force that’s hard to manage. While it’s normal to feel angry at times, it’s essential to learn how to deal with this emotion in healthy and productive ways. Seeking help when struggling with anger is a sign of strength, not weakness. This article will explore why teens may struggle with anger, the importance of seeking help, and various ways to get the support they need.

Why Teens Struggle with Anger

Teens experience a variety of changes—physically, emotionally, and socially—that can make it hard to manage emotions like anger. Hormonal shifts during puberty, academic pressures, peer relationships, and conflicts with family can all contribute to frustration and anger. The part of the brain responsible for impulse control and decision-making, the prefrontal cortex, is still developing during adolescence, which can make emotional regulation more challenging (Giedd, 2015).

Additionally, some teens may feel that societal expectations encourage them to suppress emotions or “toughen up” instead of seeking help. This can lead to unhealthy expressions of anger, including aggression or internalizing negative feelings (Friedman, 2020).

Why Seeking Help Is Important

  1. Promotes Emotional Health
  • Seeking help for anger management is crucial for emotional health. Learning to understand and express anger in healthy ways can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, improving overall mental well-being (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Prevents Destructive Behavior
  • Uncontrolled anger can lead to destructive behaviors such as physical altercations, verbal outbursts, or damaging relationships. Seeking help provides teens with tools to manage their anger constructively, preventing these negative outcomes (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021).
  1. Builds Self-Awareness and Emotional Control
  • Working with a counselor, therapist, or trusted adult can help teens become more self-aware of their emotions and triggers. This increased awareness is the first step in developing emotional control, helping teens respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively when they’re angry (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Strengthens Relationships
  • Learning how to manage anger effectively improves relationships with friends, family, and teachers. When teens can communicate their feelings without becoming hostile, they foster healthier and more respectful connections (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).

Signs It’s Time to Seek Help for Anger

While everyone experiences anger, it’s important to recognize when it’s becoming a problem. Teens should consider seeking help if they:

  • Have frequent anger outbursts or aggressive behavior.
  • Feel constantly irritable, frustrated, or on edge.
  • Find it difficult to calm down once they get angry.
  • Experience physical symptoms of anger, such as headaches, rapid heartbeat, or tension.
  • Notice that anger is affecting their relationships with friends, family, or teachers.
  • Engage in risky or destructive behavior when angry (APA, 2021).

Where Teens Can Seek Help

  1. Talk to a Trusted Adult
  • The first step for many teens is talking to a trusted adult, such as a parent, teacher, or school counselor. These adults can offer guidance, help you understand your feelings, and suggest ways to cope with anger. They can also help connect you with additional resources if needed (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Work with a Therapist or Counselor
  • Therapy is one of the most effective ways to manage anger. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is commonly used to help teens recognize and change negative thought patterns that contribute to anger. A therapist can also teach relaxation techniques, problem-solving skills, and communication strategies to manage anger more effectively (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Join a Support Group
  • Support groups can be a great way to meet other teens dealing with similar struggles. These groups provide a safe space to talk about anger, share experiences, and learn coping strategies from peers. Many schools or community centers offer anger management groups for teens (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Use Mental Health Apps
  • There are several apps designed to help teens manage their emotions, including anger. Apps like Calm, Headspace, and MindShift offer guided meditations, breathing exercises, and mindfulness techniques that can help teens de-stress and calm down when anger arises (Torrente, 2019).

Strategies Teens Can Learn in Therapy for Anger Management

  1. Identifying Triggers
  • Therapy helps teens identify the situations, people, or events that trigger their anger. By understanding their triggers, teens can better anticipate and prepare for difficult situations (APA, 2021).
  1. Deep Breathing and Relaxation Techniques
  • Learning deep breathing exercises and relaxation techniques helps teens calm their bodies and minds when they start to feel angry. Techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness can reduce the intensity of anger and prevent outbursts (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Cognitive Restructuring
  • Cognitive restructuring involves changing the negative thoughts that fuel anger. Therapists teach teens to reframe their thinking and challenge assumptions that may be making them angrier than necessary. For example, instead of thinking, “This person is trying to embarrass me,” a more helpful thought might be, “Maybe they didn’t mean it that way” (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Assertive Communication
  • Teens learn how to express their feelings assertively, without becoming aggressive or shutting down. Assertive communication involves using “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated when…” rather than blaming others, which can prevent conflicts from escalating (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Problem-Solving Skills
  • Sometimes anger arises because of unresolved problems. Therapy can help teens develop problem-solving skills so that they can address the root causes of their frustration in healthy and constructive ways (Friedman, 2020).

Overcoming Stigma Around Seeking Help

Many teens may hesitate to seek help because of the stigma associated with mental health issues or anger management. However, it’s important to remember that seeking help is a sign of emotional strength, not weakness. Everyone needs support at times, and learning how to manage emotions like anger is a vital skill for overall well-being (Giedd, 2015). Overcoming stigma starts with understanding that mental health is just as important as physical health, and getting help is a proactive step toward a healthier and happier life.

Conclusion

Struggling with anger is common for many teens, but it’s essential to know that help is available. Whether it’s talking to a trusted adult, working with a therapist, or joining a support group, seeking help for anger management is a crucial step in improving emotional health and well-being. By learning healthy coping strategies and understanding the underlying causes of anger, teens can gain control over their emotions and build stronger relationships with those around them.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

Giedd, J. N. (2015). The Amazing Teen Brain: What Parents Need to Know. National Institute of Mental Health.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Torrente, R. (2019). Mindfulness for Teens: Proven Techniques to Reduce Stress, Manage Emotions, and Improve Focus. Rockridge Press.

Engaging in Physical Activity Can Help Control Anger

Anger is a natural emotional response that everyone experiences from time to time, but for some teens, managing anger can be especially challenging. During adolescence, intense emotions like anger may feel overwhelming due to hormonal changes, peer pressure, academic stress, and other factors. Learning how to manage anger is crucial for emotional well-being and maintaining healthy relationships. One of the most effective strategies for managing anger is engaging in physical activity. This article will explore how physical activity can help control anger, supported by psychological research and expert recommendations.

The Connection Between Physical Activity and Anger

Anger triggers the body’s “fight or flight” response, releasing stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones increase heart rate, elevate blood pressure, and prepare the body for immediate action (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021). While this response is natural, it can lead to aggressive behavior or poor decision-making if not managed appropriately.

Physical activity helps reduce the intensity of this stress response by providing an outlet for the energy generated by anger. Regular exercise not only helps release physical tension but also promotes the release of endorphins—brain chemicals that improve mood and reduce feelings of anger and frustration (Friedman, 2020).

Benefits of Physical Activity for Anger Management

  1. Reduces Physiological Arousal
  • Anger is often accompanied by physical symptoms such as muscle tension, rapid breathing, and a racing heart. Physical activity helps release this built-up energy and tension, leading to a calmer, more relaxed state. Activities like running, swimming, or cycling can lower physiological arousal and make it easier to manage anger before it escalates (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Increases Emotional Awareness
  • Exercise encourages a greater connection between the body and mind. Engaging in physical activity provides time and space to reflect on emotions, helping teens become more aware of their anger and its triggers. This awareness is the first step in managing emotional responses and finding healthy ways to cope (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Releases Endorphins and Enhances Mood
  • Physical activity boosts the production of endorphins, neurotransmitters that act as natural mood lifters. After a workout, many people report feeling calmer and more positive. This mood improvement can help teens manage their anger more effectively, as they are less likely to feel overwhelmed or frustrated after exercising (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Provides a Constructive Outlet for Anger
  • Instead of suppressing anger or letting it explode, physical activity offers a healthy and constructive outlet for intense emotions. Activities like boxing, weightlifting, or even hitting a punching bag allow teens to channel their anger into something productive, reducing the likelihood of aggressive or destructive behavior (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Improves Self-Control and Impulse Regulation
  • Regular physical activity improves executive functions like impulse control, emotional regulation, and decision-making. Exercise requires focus, discipline, and self-control, skills that carry over into other aspects of life, including emotional management. By consistently practicing these skills during workouts, teens can develop better control over their emotional responses, including anger (Galla, 2016).
  1. Reduces Stress and Anxiety
  • Chronic stress and anxiety are major contributors to anger. When stress levels are high, it becomes easier to lose patience and react impulsively. Physical activity helps reduce stress by lowering cortisol levels and promoting relaxation, making it easier to stay calm and composed in challenging situations (APA, 2021).

Types of Physical Activities That Help Manage Anger

  1. Aerobic Exercise
  • Activities like running, swimming, and cycling are excellent ways to release pent-up energy and reduce anger. Aerobic exercise increases heart rate and burns off the adrenaline and cortisol that build up during moments of frustration. It also promotes the release of endorphins, which elevate mood and improve emotional regulation.
  1. Strength Training
  • Weightlifting, resistance exercises, and bodyweight workouts require focus, discipline, and effort, making them great outlets for anger. These activities also build physical strength, which can contribute to a sense of personal control and confidence, reducing feelings of helplessness that may lead to anger (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Yoga and Pilates
  • While not as intense as aerobic or strength training exercises, yoga and Pilates are highly effective in calming the mind and body. These practices emphasize controlled breathing, mindfulness, and relaxation, which can help teens manage their anger by reducing stress and promoting a sense of inner peace (Torrente, 2019).
  1. Martial Arts
  • Martial arts such as karate, taekwondo, or jiu-jitsu can be powerful tools for anger management. These practices teach discipline, focus, and self-control while providing a controlled environment to release aggression. Learning martial arts also fosters respect for oneself and others, reducing the likelihood of outbursts (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Team Sports
  • Engaging in team sports like basketball, soccer, or volleyball allows teens to build social connections while working out their frustrations. The camaraderie and collaboration involved in team sports can improve mood and reduce feelings of isolation or frustration, which can contribute to anger (Child Mind Institute, 2020).

How to Incorporate Physical Activity into Your Routine

  1. Start Small and Gradual
  • If you’re new to exercise, start with short sessions of 15 to 20 minutes a few times a week and gradually increase the duration and intensity. This helps build consistency without feeling overwhelmed (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Find Activities You Enjoy
  • The best exercise routine is one that you enjoy and can stick to. Whether it’s dancing, hiking, playing basketball, or practicing yoga, choose activities that make you feel good and motivate you to keep going (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Use Exercise as a Coping Strategy
  • When you feel anger building, use exercise as a go-to strategy to cool off. Instead of reacting in the moment, take a break and go for a run, lift weights, or do a yoga session to calm your mind and body (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Combine Physical Activity with Mindfulness
  • Practices like yoga and mindful walking can combine physical activity with mindfulness techniques to promote relaxation and emotional regulation. This combination can be especially helpful for teens struggling with both anger and anxiety (Torrente, 2019).

Conclusion

Engaging in physical activity is one of the most effective ways to manage anger. Whether it’s running, yoga, strength training, or martial arts, regular exercise helps teens release pent-up energy, reduce stress, and improve emotional regulation. By incorporating physical activity into their daily routine, teens can develop healthier ways to cope with anger and build resilience for handling future challenges. Exercise not only improves physical health but also contributes to emotional well-being, making it a valuable tool for long-term anger management.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

Galla, B. M. (2016). Mindfulness, academic achievement, and positive behavior among adolescents: The role of executive function. Journal of Educational Psychology, 108(3), 427-441.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Torrente, R. (2019). Mindfulness for Teens: Proven Techniques to Reduce Stress, Manage Emotions, and Improve Focus. Rockridge Press.

Setting Boundaries and Walking Away: A Guide for Teens Managing Anger

Anger is a natural emotion, but for many teens, it can be challenging to manage. Between school, friendships, family, and the pressures of adolescence, situations can quickly escalate into anger. Learning to set boundaries and knowing when to walk away can be vital tools in managing anger healthily and effectively. In this article, we’ll explore how teens can set boundaries and practice walking away when emotions run high, along with the importance of these skills for personal well-being and relationships.

Understanding Anger and Boundaries

Anger is an emotional response to perceived threats, injustices, or frustrations. It’s not inherently bad, but how you respond to anger can determine whether it becomes a problem (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021). For teens, anger often comes from feeling misunderstood, overwhelmed, or disrespected. When unchecked, anger can lead to destructive behaviors, damaged relationships, or poor decision-making.

Boundaries are the limits you set for how others treat you and how you engage with situations. Establishing boundaries means defining what is acceptable and what isn’t, helping you maintain control over your emotions and actions (LeCroy & Daley, 2020). For teens, learning to set boundaries is key to managing anger, as it allows you to protect your emotional well-being while avoiding unnecessary conflicts.

Why Setting Boundaries Is Important

  1. Protects Your Emotional Health
  • Boundaries act as a buffer between your emotions and external situations that might provoke anger. By setting clear limits, you reduce the chances of getting overwhelmed or pushed into conflict (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Builds Self-Respect and Confidence
  • Setting boundaries helps you stand up for yourself in respectful and assertive ways. When you practice this regularly, you build self-esteem because you’re taking responsibility for your emotional well-being (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Improves Relationships
  • Boundaries foster healthier relationships by promoting mutual respect. When you communicate your limits clearly, others know what behaviors are acceptable and what isn’t. This can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflicts (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).

How to Set Boundaries When You’re Angry

Setting boundaries when you’re angry can be difficult, but it’s essential for preventing escalation and maintaining healthy relationships. Here are steps you can follow to set boundaries effectively:

  1. Identify Your Triggers
  • Before you can set boundaries, it’s important to understand what situations or behaviors make you feel angry. Identifying your triggers—whether it’s disrespect, being ignored, or feeling overwhelmed—allows you to anticipate when you might need to set a boundary (APA, 2021).
  1. Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively
  • When setting boundaries, it’s important to communicate in a calm and respectful manner, even if you feel angry. Using “I” statements can help express how you feel without blaming others (e.g., “I feel upset when…”). This approach helps the other person understand your emotions without feeling attacked (Groschwitz & Plener, 2012).
  1. Be Clear and Specific
  • Vague boundaries often lead to misunderstandings. Instead, be specific about what you’re asking for. For example, if you need space to cool down, say, “I need to take a break right now. Let’s talk about this later when we’re both calmer” (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Stay Consistent
  • Once you set a boundary, stick to it. If others see that you’re inconsistent, they may not take your boundaries seriously. By staying consistent, you reinforce your limits and reduce the chances of repeated conflicts (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).

The Power of Walking Away

Sometimes, even after setting boundaries, a situation may still feel overwhelming or unmanageable. In these cases, walking away can be the best option for both your emotional well-being and for preventing further conflict. Walking away isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a powerful tool for maintaining control over your emotions and preventing the situation from escalating.

  1. Prevents Escalation
  • When emotions are high, it’s easy for arguments to spiral out of control. Walking away gives you time to calm down and think rationally before reacting. This pause can prevent hurtful words or actions that you may regret later (Galla, 2016).
  1. Gives You Time to Cool Down
  • Taking a break from a heated situation allows your body’s stress response to subside. When you walk away, your heart rate slows down, your breathing steadies, and you can regain control of your thoughts (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Creates Space for Reflection
  • Walking away gives you time to reflect on the situation and your emotions. It helps you assess whether your anger is justified or if there’s a better way to approach the issue. You might realize that what you’re upset about isn’t worth the conflict, or you may gain clarity on how to address the situation more calmly (APA, 2021).

How to Walk Away When Angry

Walking away isn’t always easy, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment. Here are some tips to help you walk away effectively:

  1. Recognize When It’s Time to Leave
  • Pay attention to your physical and emotional cues. If you notice that your heart is racing, your body is tense, or you feel like yelling, it may be a good time to walk away before things escalate (Groschwitz & Plener, 2012).
  1. Say Something Calm and Direct
  • Let the other person know that you need space to cool down. You can say something like, “I need a break right now. Let’s talk about this later when we’ve both had time to calm down.” This communicates your intent without making the situation worse (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Find a Safe Space
  • Once you walk away, go somewhere quiet where you can cool down. This could be your room, a park, or any space where you can feel calm and reflect. Use this time to practice deep breathing, mindfulness, or any other relaxation technique that helps you regain control (Child Mind Institute, 2020).
  1. Return When You’re Ready
  • After you’ve had time to cool down, return to the conversation with a clearer mind. You’ll likely be more prepared to discuss the issue calmly and productively.

Long-Term Benefits of Setting Boundaries and Walking Away

Learning to set boundaries and walk away when necessary are essential life skills that promote emotional intelligence and resilience. By consistently practicing these skills, teens can experience long-term benefits, including:

  1. Improved Emotional Regulation
  • Setting boundaries and walking away help you develop emotional self-control. You become more aware of your emotions and can respond to them in healthier ways (Galla, 2016).
  1. Stronger Relationships
  • Boundaries foster mutual respect and understanding in relationships, while walking away prevents unnecessary conflicts. These practices lead to stronger, healthier connections with friends, family, and peers (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Greater Confidence and Self-Esteem
  • Setting boundaries allows you to stand up for yourself, which builds confidence and self-respect. Walking away from unproductive situations shows emotional maturity and self-control (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).

Conclusion

For teens, learning to set boundaries and walk away when angry is essential for managing emotions and maintaining healthy relationships. These skills help you stay in control of your reactions and reduce the chances of conflict or emotional outbursts. By consistently practicing these techniques, you can build stronger relationships, improve your emotional well-being, and approach life’s challenges with greater resilience and confidence.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

Galla, B. M. (2016). Mindfulness, academic achievement, and positive behavior among adolescents: The role of executive function. Journal of Educational Psychology, 108(3), 427-441.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Groschwitz, R. C., & Plener, P. L. (2012). The neurobiological basis of nonsuicidal self-injury in adolescents: A review. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 21(2), 139–149.