Do You Miss the Way It Was or Do You Miss the Way It Should Have Been?
Feelings of nostalgia and regret are common in life’s journey, especially when reflecting on relationships, past experiences, or significant life changes. Yet, a subtle but important question often arises when people reflect on their past: Do you miss the way it was, or do you miss the way it should have been? This question speaks to the tension between remembering actual past events and yearning for an idealized version of what those experiences could have been. Examining this distinction can help us understand ourselves better, find closure, and learn to move forward in healthier ways.
1. Nostalgia and the Idealization of the Past
Nostalgia is a complex emotion that involves a yearning for the past. While it can evoke warm, comforting feelings, it can also distort memories. Psychologists describe nostalgia as bittersweet because it often involves idealizing the past, focusing on positive memories while downplaying the negative ones (Wildschut et al., 2006). People often miss “the way it was” because nostalgia smooths over the rough edges of reality, leaving only memories of joy, comfort, or connection.
However, nostalgia doesn’t always provide an accurate reflection of past events. A study published in Memory found that nostalgic memories tend to be colored by emotion, leading people to remember the past as more positive than it may have been (Sedikides & Wildschut, 2018). This idealization can sometimes cause individuals to miss the way things “were” without fully acknowledging the challenges or flaws in those past experiences.
On the other hand, some people find themselves missing not what actually happened, but what could have happened. This feeling stems from regret and the recognition that certain situations didn’t unfold as hoped. In this case, they are mourning the loss of an imagined future—a version of events that, in their minds, should have been different or better.
2. Regret and the Longing for What Could Have Been
Regret is a powerful emotion that arises when people feel they have lost out on an opportunity or failed to achieve a desired outcome. Unlike nostalgia, which tends to idealize the past, regret focuses on the gap between reality and expectation. In relationships, careers, or personal decisions, people often feel regret when they realize that things didn’t turn out as they had envisioned.
Research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science indicates that people experience more intense regret over inactions than actions. In other words, people are more likely to regret the things they didn’t do, the words they didn’t say, or the opportunities they didn’t take (Gilovich & Medvec, 1995). This leads to a feeling of missing “the way it should have been”—an alternate reality where different choices led to better outcomes.
This type of regret can be particularly painful because it involves a sense of lost potential. When people think about missed opportunities or paths not taken, they often create a mental image of an idealized version of their lives—one where they made the right choices, found happiness, or achieved success. However, these idealized scenarios are often based on an assumption that everything would have worked out perfectly, which may not be a realistic view.
3. The Role of Expectations in Shaping Our Perceptions
Expectations play a central role in determining whether we miss “the way it was” or “the way it should have been.” When expectations are high, and reality falls short, regret is more likely to surface. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman’s prospect theory suggests that people are more sensitive to losses than to gains. As a result, when reality doesn’t meet our expectations, it feels like a loss, even if the outcome wasn’t inherently negative (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979).
For example, in relationships, people may mourn what “should have been” if they expected certain outcomes—such as lifelong commitment, emotional support, or mutual understanding—that were never realized. When these expectations go unmet, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, regret, and even bitterness. People may find themselves asking “what if?” and dwelling on the possibility that things could have been better if only certain events had played out differently.
Conversely, when expectations are low, people are more likely to look back on the past with nostalgia, finding comfort in the way things were. This is because their expectations were already aligned with reality, allowing them to accept the past as it was without feeling like something better was lost.
4. Grieving Unlived Lives
One of the most difficult aspects of missing “the way it should have been” is grieving the life or relationship that never existed. This concept is related to ambiguous loss, a term coined by psychologist Pauline Boss. Ambiguous loss refers to a type of grief where the object of loss is unclear or unresolved (Boss, 1999). In the context of regret, people may grieve not only for relationships or opportunities that ended but also for the potential that those situations held.
This type of grief can be complex because it involves mourning for something that was never real. People may find themselves dwelling on questions like, “What if I had married someone else?” or “What if I had pursued a different career?” These thoughts can prevent closure because they keep the individual tied to a hypothetical scenario rather than accepting reality.
In these cases, it’s essential to acknowledge the grief associated with unrealized potential, but also to recognize that these imagined lives are just that—imagined. Acceptance and self-compassion are critical in moving forward from this type of loss (Neff, 2003).
5. Moving Forward: Embracing Acceptance and Growth
Whether someone is missing “the way it was” or “the way it should have been,” learning to let go and embrace acceptance is key to moving forward. Acceptance doesn’t mean denying emotions like regret or nostalgia, but rather acknowledging them without letting them control one’s life.
Practicing self-compassion can help individuals cope with regret and missed opportunities. According to researcher Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, recognizing your common humanity, and being mindful of your feelings without judgment (Neff, 2003). By cultivating self-compassion, individuals can begin to release unrealistic expectations and move forward with a greater sense of peace.
Similarly, mindfulness can be a powerful tool in preventing the mind from becoming trapped in the past. A study published in Psychological Science found that mindfulness practices help individuals stay focused on the present moment, reducing rumination on past regrets or missed opportunities (Kabat-Zinn, 2003).
Conclusion
The question of whether we miss “the way it was” or “the way it should have been” speaks to the complexity of human emotions and memory. Nostalgia and regret are two sides of the same coin, each reflecting a different way of engaging with the past. While nostalgia often idealizes the past, regret fixates on the gap between expectations and reality. By understanding these emotional responses, we can gain insight into our inner world and learn to move forward with greater acceptance, self-compassion, and emotional resilience.
References
- Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Harvard University Press.
- Gilovich, T., & Medvec, V. H. (1995). The Experience of Regret: What, When, and Why. Psychological Review, 102(2), 379-395.
- Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect Theory: An Analysis of Decision under Risk. Econometrica, 47(2), 263-291.
- Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-Based Interventions in Context: Past, Present, and Future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144-156.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
- Sedikides, C., & Wildschut, T. (2018). Finding Meaning in Nostalgia. Review of General Psychology, 22(1), 48-61.
- Wildschut, T., Sedikides, C., Arndt, J., & Routledge, C. (2006). Nostalgia: Content, Triggers, Functions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 975-993.