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Marriage, Needs, and Growing Together

A Look at Traditional and Modern Views of Marriage

Marriage has changed over time, but one thing has stayed the same: people want to feel loved, valued, and important to one another. The handout shown above teaches a traditional Christian view of marriage. It explains that a wife wants to feel special to her husband and wants to know that she plays an important role in his life. It also says that husbands should share their needs and be humble in how they treat their wives.

Many Christians believe these ideas come from the Bible. In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone,” and created a helper for Adam. In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are told to love their wives “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” These verses teach love, service, sacrifice, and care in marriage.

The handout says that wives often want to feel needed and important. In many relationships, this can be true. Research shows that people in healthy marriages want to feel appreciated and emotionally safe. Marriage experts have found that couples who show admiration and kindness toward one another often have stronger relationships (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

The handout also talks about jealousy and says that women may fear being replaced. While jealousy can sometimes come from insecurity, many relationship experts explain that it often comes from fear of losing connection or trust. Healthy couples work through these feelings by talking openly and honestly rather than blaming one another (Johnson, 2019).

Another important idea in the handout is humility. It says husbands should share their failures and real needs instead of trying to appear perfect. Modern research supports this idea. Emotional openness helps people feel closer in relationships. When couples are honest about struggles, fears, and needs, trust often grows stronger (Brown, 2012).

At the same time, some people may see parts of the handout differently today. Modern marriage counselors often believe that both husbands and wives should meet each other’s emotional, spiritual, and practical needs. Many people now see marriage as a partnership where both people support one another equally. Healthy marriages often work best when both people feel heard, respected, and valued.

Still, the main message in both traditional and modern views is very similar: marriage works best when two people care for each other, communicate openly, and put effort into the relationship. Whether someone follows a traditional Christian marriage model or a more modern partnership model, kindness, honesty, trust, and love matter most.

No marriage is perfect. Every couple will struggle at times. But strong marriages are built over time through patience, forgiveness, good communication, and the willingness to grow together.

Biblical Support

  • Genesis 2:18 – God created a helper and companion.
  • Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands are called to love sacrificially.
  • 1 Peter 3:7 – Husbands should honor and understand their wives.
  • Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 – Two are stronger than one.
  • Proverbs 31:10–12 – A good spouse is valuable and trustworthy.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a licensed therapist, Master Mason, and founder of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. With over 25 years of experience in behavioral health, John has helped individuals, couples, and families work through life’s struggles with compassion and understanding. His writing combines faith, psychology, and everyday life lessons to help people build healthier relationships and stronger lives. John lives in London, Kentucky, where he continues to serve his community through counseling, teaching, and writing.

References

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. Gotham Books.

The Holy Bible, New International Version. (2011). Zondervan.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.

When a Man Just Needs Peace

For many men, the world outside the home can feel like a battlefield. Responsibilities pile up—work, financial pressures, expectations to provide, protect, and persevere. Society often tells men they must be strong, stoic, and unshakeable. When the day ends and the door closes behind them, many men carry the invisible weight of those expectations with them.

In the quiet moments, what some men long for most is not applause, advice, or another task. What they want is something far simpler and far more human: peace. They want a place where they can sit down, lay their head on the chest or lap of the woman they love, and simply breathe. A place where the noise of the world fades away and they can feel safe enough to just exist for a moment.

Yet in modern relationships, many men report that this sense of emotional refuge is becoming harder to find.

The Hidden Exhaustion Men Carry

Research consistently shows that men are less likely to openly express emotional distress than women due to social expectations around masculinity. Psychologist Ronald Levant, known for his work on male emotional socialization, describes how boys are often taught early in life to suppress vulnerability and emotional needs (Levant & Richmond, 2007).

By adulthood, many men have internalized the belief that their role is to endure stress silently.

They work long hours.

They carry financial burdens.

They solve problems without complaint.

They try to be the steady pillar everyone else leans on.

But even pillars crack under enough pressure.

Behind the quiet exterior, many men feel emotionally exhausted. When they come home, they are not necessarily looking for solutions—they have spent all day solving problems. What they crave instead is emotional safety.

The Comfort of Quiet Presence

Attachment theory suggests that healthy relationships provide a secure base—a place where individuals feel safe, accepted, and emotionally supported (Bowlby, 1988). While this principle is often discussed in relation to children, it applies equally to adults.

For a man, that secure base may look like something very simple:

Sitting beside the woman he loves.

Feeling her hand on his shoulder.

Resting his head in her lap after a long day.

Being able to close his eyes without having to defend himself, explain himself, or fix something else.

It is not weakness.

It is regulation.

Research on physical touch shows that comforting contact—such as hugging or resting close to a partner—can reduce cortisol (stress hormones) and increase oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding and calmness (Field, 2010).

In other words, that quiet moment in her arms can literally help a man’s nervous system reset.

When Peace Turns Into Pressure

Unfortunately, some men describe the opposite experience. Instead of peace, they encounter another layer of pressure when they come home.

The conversation immediately becomes about:

More problems to solve

More expectations to meet

More criticisms about what hasn’t been done

More reminders that something is still lacking

Over time, this can create emotional fatigue inside the relationship itself.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, known for decades of relationship research, found that constant criticism and negative interaction patterns are among the strongest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

When a man feels that nothing he does is ever enough, he may stop sharing altogether. Instead of seeking comfort, he withdraws emotionally.

Not because he does not care.

But because he no longer feels safe being vulnerable.

The Shame Around Male Vulnerability

One of the most damaging messages men often receive is the idea that wanting comfort somehow makes them weak.

Phrases like:

“Man up.”

“Get over it.”

“Stop being soft.”

send a powerful message that emotional needs are unacceptable.

Yet modern psychological research strongly contradicts this narrative. Emotional intimacy is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction for both partners (Reis & Shaver, 1988).

Men need connection just as deeply as women do.

They simply tend to express that need differently.

For many men, connection is not always about long conversations or emotional processing. Sometimes it is about shared silence, physical closeness, and emotional reassurance.

A quiet moment together can say more than a thousand words.

Why Some Men Choose Solitude Instead

Because of these experiences, some men become reluctant to pursue relationships at all.

If the relationship becomes another place where they feel criticized, judged, or emotionally unsafe, many men begin to ask themselves a difficult question:

Is it easier to struggle alone than to carry the stress of a relationship that offers no peace?

This does not mean men do not desire companionship.

In fact, studies consistently show that men benefit greatly from committed relationships in terms of mental health and longevity (Umberson & Montez, 2010).

But the key factor is relationship quality.

A relationship should not feel like another battlefield.

It should feel like home.

Becoming Each Other’s Peace

Healthy relationships work best when both partners become a source of calm for one another.

Women often want emotional reassurance, listening, and validation.

Men often want physical closeness, acceptance, and a place to rest emotionally.

Neither need is wrong.

Both are human.

When couples learn to recognize and honor each other’s emotional languages, something powerful happens. The relationship stops being a place of pressure and becomes a place of restoration.

The strongest couples are not those who never struggle.

They are the ones who can look at each other after a long day and silently say:

“You’re safe here.”

Conclusion

A man who comes home and lays his head in the lap of the woman he loves is not weak.

He is not less masculine.

He is simply human.

In a world that constantly demands strength, productivity, and resilience from men, the quiet comfort of a loving partner can become one of the most powerful forms of healing.

Sometimes the greatest gift a woman can give the man she loves is not advice, correction, or another expectation.

Sometimes the greatest gift is simply peace.

A quiet moment.

A gentle touch.

And the unspoken assurance that for a little while, the weight of the world can rest somewhere else.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a behavioral health therapist and writer from Kentucky who focuses on relationships, emotional healing, and personal growth. Through his clinical experience and writing, he explores the complex emotional dynamics between men and women and seeks to help individuals develop healthier, more compassionate relationships.

References

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

Field, T. (2010). Touch for socioemotional and physical well-being: A review. Developmental Review, 30(4), 367–383.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Levant, R. F., & Richmond, K. (2007). A review of research on masculinity ideologies using the Male Role Norms Inventory. Journal of Men’s Studies, 15(2), 130–146.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In Handbook of Personal Relationships. Wiley.

Umberson, D., & Montez, J. K. (2010). Social relationships and health: A flashpoint for health policy. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 51(Suppl), S54–S66.

What Does It Mean to Submit to Your Husband?

The concept of a wife “submitting” to her husband has often been misunderstood, misrepresented, and even misused throughout history. In modern discussions, the word submit can evoke images of control, inequality, or oppression. However, within its original biblical and relational context, submission is intended to reflect mutual respect, love, partnership, and spiritual unity within marriage. Understanding what submission truly means requires examining the broader biblical teaching on marriage and the responsibilities placed on both husbands and wives.

The Biblical Foundation of Submission

The most commonly cited passage about submission in marriage appears in Ephesians 5:22–25:

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church… Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” (New King James Version)

In this passage, submission is presented within the context of mutual devotion to God and sacrificial love. The instruction for wives to submit is immediately followed by a far more demanding command for husbands: they must love their wives the way Christ loved the church—selflessly, sacrificially, and with complete devotion.

This means biblical submission does not imply inferiority or blind obedience. Instead, it reflects a willingness to support, respect, and cooperate with the leadership of a husband who is himself called to lead through humility and love.

Submission Is Not About Control

A major misconception about submission is that it gives husbands absolute authority over their wives. Healthy biblical submission is not about domination or control. The Bible never endorses abuse, manipulation, or authoritarian rule within marriage.

In fact, Ephesians 5:21 sets the tone for the entire passage:

“Submitting to one another in the fear of God.”

This verse shows that mutual submission—a willingness to honor, respect, and serve one another—is foundational to Christian relationships.

Submission, therefore, should never be used as justification for:

Emotional abuse Manipulation Controlling behavior Silencing a spouse’s voice

A husband who demands submission without demonstrating love, humility, and responsibility is misusing the biblical teaching.

Submission as Respect and Partnership

In practice, submission in marriage often means respecting your husband’s role while working together as a team. Marriage is not meant to be a dictatorship but rather a partnership where both individuals bring their strengths, wisdom, and perspectives to the relationship.

A wife who practices healthy submission may:

Respect her husband’s efforts to lead the family Support decisions that benefit the household Offer wisdom, insight, and perspective Communicate honestly while maintaining respect Encourage and strengthen her husband

Similarly, a loving husband values his wife’s thoughts, listens to her input, and recognizes that her perspective is essential to the success of the family.

Research on marital satisfaction consistently shows that mutual respect and shared decision-making are key components of healthy relationships (Gottman & Silver, 2015). When spouses view themselves as allies rather than competitors, marriages tend to experience higher levels of stability and emotional security.

The Balance of Leadership and Love

Biblical teaching places a heavy responsibility on husbands. The model for a husband’s leadership is Christ’s sacrificial love. Christ did not lead through force or domination; He led through service, humility, and sacrifice.

In this framework:

The husband leads with love and responsibility. The wife responds with respect and support. Both partners serve each other with humility.

When practiced correctly, submission is not about one person being above the other. Instead, it reflects an ordered partnership built on love, trust, and shared purpose.

Submission Does Not Mean Losing Your Identity

Another misunderstanding is that submission requires a wife to lose her voice, personality, or independence. Healthy marriage encourages individual growth alongside relational unity.

A wife can submit while still:

Expressing her opinions Pursuing her goals and interests Providing leadership in areas where she excels Challenging her husband respectfully when needed

Proverbs 31 provides a powerful example of a strong woman who is entrepreneurial, wise, capable, and respected by her husband and community.

When Submission Becomes Harmful

It is important to acknowledge that submission has sometimes been used in unhealthy or abusive contexts. No biblical teaching supports tolerating abuse or harm.

Submission should never require someone to endure physical violence, emotional abuse, or manipulation. In situations where safety or well-being is threatened, seeking help from trusted professionals, counselors, or spiritual leaders is essential.

Healthy submission flourishes only in relationships built on trust, love, and mutual care.

Conclusion

Biblical submission is often misunderstood because the word carries cultural baggage that differs from its original meaning. In a healthy marriage, submission reflects respect, partnership, and a shared commitment to honoring God through the relationship.

A husband is called to lead with sacrificial love and humility. A wife is called to support and respect that leadership. Together, both partners submit to one another through service, kindness, and devotion.

When practiced in its true spirit, submission is not about power—it is about unity, love, and the strength that comes from two people working together with a shared purpose.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW is a behavioral health therapist, writer, and community leader in Kentucky. With years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families, he focuses on helping people understand the emotional and relational dynamics that influence healthy relationships. Through his writing and clinical work, Collier seeks to provide insight that blends psychological understanding with practical life wisdom.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Stanley, S., Markman, H., & Blumberg, S. (2006). Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass.

Tripp, P. D. (2010). What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. Crossway.

The Holy Bible, New King James Version. (1982). Thomas Nelson.

Filing for Divorce When You Don’t Want To

The Quiet Grief of Letting Go

Divorce is often portrayed as the decision of someone who has grown tired of a relationship or someone who has stopped loving their spouse. Yet in many cases, the person who files for divorce is not the one who wanted the marriage to end. Sometimes filing for divorce becomes the painful responsibility of the partner who still hoped things could work.

For many individuals, filing for divorce when they do not want to is one of the most emotionally complex experiences they will ever face. It is a mixture of grief, responsibility, self-preservation, and reluctant acceptance.

When Love Is Still Present

One of the hardest parts of filing for divorce when you do not want to is that love often still exists. The person filing may still care deeply about their spouse and remember the reasons they fell in love in the first place.

Relationships rarely collapse overnight. Instead, they often deteriorate through repeated patterns of conflict, betrayal, neglect, addiction, emotional distance, or irreconcilable differences. Even when one partner wants to keep trying, the other partner may not be willing or capable of rebuilding the relationship.

In these situations, filing for divorce becomes less about abandoning love and more about recognizing that a relationship cannot survive if only one person is working to save it.

Research on marital stability shows that relationships require mutual effort and commitment. When one partner withdraws emotionally or refuses to address problems, the other partner may eventually be forced to make a difficult decision for their own emotional well-being (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

The Emotional Weight of Being the One Who Files

There is a unique emotional burden carried by the person who files for divorce when they did not want the marriage to end.

They may feel:

Guilt for initiating the legal process Fear of judgment from family and friends A sense of failure Grief over the life they imagined Confusion about whether they did enough

Even though filing for divorce may simply be a legal formality to acknowledge a relationship that has already ended emotionally, the act itself can feel like crossing a painful line.

Many people describe the moment they sign the paperwork as one of the heaviest moments of their lives. It can feel like formally acknowledging the death of a dream.

The Difference Between Giving Up and Letting Go

Filing for divorce when you do not want to is not necessarily the same as giving up. In many cases, it is the recognition that a marriage requires two people choosing each other.

Letting go often happens after months or years of trying:

Attempting counseling Initiating difficult conversations Trying to repair communication Offering forgiveness Working to rebuild trust

When those efforts are repeatedly rejected or ignored, a person may eventually realize they cannot force someone to participate in healing.

Psychologists often emphasize that healthy relationships require reciprocity. Without it, one partner may begin to experience emotional exhaustion, loneliness, and chronic stress (Amato, 2010).

Filing for divorce may then become an act of protecting one’s mental and emotional health rather than abandoning the relationship.

Grieving a Marriage That Is Not Yet Gone

One of the most confusing aspects of this experience is that grief begins long before the divorce is final.

The person filing may mourn:

The early years of the relationship Shared dreams and plans Family traditions Future milestones that will never happen The identity of being a married couple

This form of grief is sometimes called ambiguous loss, where the relationship is emotionally gone but still legally and physically present (Boss, 2007).

It can leave people feeling stuck between hope and acceptance.

The Strength It Takes to Make the Decision

Contrary to what some believe, filing for divorce when you do not want to often requires immense courage. It means acknowledging a painful truth and stepping into an uncertain future.

It requires strength to say:

“I cannot fix this alone.” “I deserve a relationship where both people are committed.” “Holding on is hurting me more than letting go.”

For many individuals, the decision to file for divorce is not about anger or revenge. It is about survival, dignity, and emotional health.

Moving Forward After the Decision

Even after filing, the healing process takes time. Individuals who reluctantly initiate divorce often experience waves of emotions including sadness, relief, doubt, anger, and nostalgia.

Healing often involves:

Allowing space to grieve Seeking counseling or support groups Rebuilding identity outside the marriage Focusing on personal growth Maintaining supportive relationships

Over time, many people discover that although they did not want the divorce, the process helped them rediscover their resilience and sense of self.

Conclusion

Filing for divorce when you do not want to is one of life’s most painful decisions. It represents the moment when hope collides with reality and when love alone is no longer enough to sustain a relationship.

Yet sometimes the bravest thing a person can do is acknowledge that a marriage cannot be carried by one person alone.

Letting go does not mean the love was not real. It simply means the relationship could no longer survive.

And sometimes, the most heartbreaking decisions are also the ones that eventually lead to healing.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker and behavioral health professional based in Kentucky. With years of experience working with individuals and families navigating trauma, relationship challenges, and major life transitions, he focuses on helping people understand the emotional complexities of human relationships. Through his writing and clinical work, Collier seeks to provide practical insight, compassion, and guidance for those facing difficult personal decisions.

References

Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666.

Boss, P. (2007). Ambiguous loss theory: Challenges for scholars and practitioners. Family Relations, 56(2), 105–111.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Cherlin, A. J. (2013). Demographic trends in the United States: A review of research in the 2000s. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 403–419.