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Being Intentional and Productive During Divorce Recovery

Divorce is not merely a legal process; it is a profound psychological, emotional, and identity-based transition. Research consistently shows that divorce ranks among the most stressful life events, often comparable to bereavement or serious illness (Holmes & Rahe, 1967). While the pain of divorce is unavoidable, prolonged suffering is not inevitable. Recovery becomes more adaptive—and ultimately more healing—when individuals approach this season with intentionality and purpose rather than avoidance or emotional paralysis.

Understanding Divorce as a Transition, Not a Failure

One of the most significant barriers to recovery is the tendency to frame divorce solely as a personal failure. This narrative fuels shame, rumination, and identity collapse. Contemporary psychological models instead conceptualize divorce as a life transition that disrupts routines, roles, and attachment bonds (Amato, 2010). When individuals reframe divorce as a transition requiring adjustment—not a verdict on their worth—they are better positioned to engage in productive healing behaviors.

Intentional recovery begins with acknowledging loss while resisting the urge to remain psychologically anchored in the past. This balance allows grief to be processed without becoming one’s permanent emotional residence.

The Role of Intentionality in Emotional Healing

Intentionality refers to making deliberate, values-driven choices rather than reacting solely to emotional distress. Following divorce, emotions often fluctuate rapidly—anger, sadness, relief, fear, and loneliness may coexist. Without intentional structure, individuals may default to maladaptive coping strategies such as isolation, substance use, rebound relationships, or excessive rumination (Sbarra & Emery, 2005).

Intentional recovery involves:

  • Setting boundaries with the former spouse
  • Creating predictable daily routines
  • Choosing behaviors aligned with long-term well-being rather than short-term relief

Research on self-regulation and coping demonstrates that purposeful goal-setting during periods of stress improves emotional stability and resilience (Baumeister & Vohs, 2007).

Productivity as a Stabilizing Force

Productivity during divorce recovery does not mean relentless busyness or emotional suppression. Instead, it involves engaging in meaningful activities that restore a sense of competence, agency, and identity. Studies indicate that mastery-oriented activities—such as learning new skills, maintaining employment, or pursuing health goals—can counteract the helplessness often experienced after relational loss (Bandura, 1997).

Productive behaviors that support recovery include:

  • Rebuilding physical health through exercise and sleep hygiene
  • Establishing financial literacy and independence
  • Engaging in purposeful work or service
  • Developing new personal or professional goals

These actions help regulate mood, rebuild confidence, and create forward momentum during a time that often feels stagnant.

Reconstructing Identity After Divorce

Divorce frequently dismantles shared identity—roles such as spouse, partner, or co-parent may change abruptly. Identity reconstruction is a central task of recovery (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002). Intentional individuals actively explore who they are becoming rather than clinging to who they were.

This process may involve reassessing values, redefining boundaries, and clarifying personal beliefs about relationships, trust, and commitment. Therapeutic research shows that individuals who engage in reflective meaning-making following divorce experience greater long-term psychological growth (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003).

Avoiding the Trap of Emotional Avoidance

Productivity must not become a mechanism for emotional avoidance. Suppressing grief or anger often prolongs distress rather than resolving it. Healthy recovery requires alternating between action and reflection—doing the work of daily life while allowing space for emotional processing.

Mindfulness-based and acceptance-oriented approaches emphasize acknowledging pain without allowing it to dictate behavior (Hayes et al., 2006). This balance enables individuals to move forward without denying the emotional reality of their experience.

Being intentional and productive during divorce recovery is not about rushing healing or minimizing loss. It is about choosing to engage with life in ways that foster stability, growth, and self-respect while grief runs its natural course. Divorce changes a person’s life, but it does not have to define the rest of it. Through deliberate choices, meaningful action, and reflective growth, recovery can become not just an ending—but a turning point.

This article was written by John S, Collier, MSW, LCSW-S. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the Social Work field. He currently serves as the Executive Director and Outpatient Behavioral Health Therapist for Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health in London Kentucky. He may be reached by phone at (606) 657-0532 and by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00723.x

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. New York, NY: Freeman.

Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2007). Self-regulation, ego depletion, and motivation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 1(1), 115–128. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2007.00001.x

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes, and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006

Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.

Holmes, T. H., & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The social readjustment rating scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2), 213–218. https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-3999(67)90010-4

Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213–232. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00112.x

Tashiro, T., & Frazier, P. (2003). “I’ll never be in a relationship like that again”: Personal growth following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 113–128. https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.00039

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What Is Overparenting?

Overparenting is a pattern of parenting in which a caregiver provides developmentally inappropriate levels of control, monitoring, problem-solving, and “help” that limits a child’s chances to build autonomy and coping skills. Researchers often describe it as excessive directiveness and involvement that goes beyond what the child needs at their age or stage. (guilfordjournals.com)

You’ll also hear overparenting discussed as “helicopter parenting” (hovering and intervening quickly) and sometimes “lawnmower/snowplow parenting” (removing obstacles before the child encounters them). In research, these terms commonly point to the same general issue: too much parental management, too little child agency. (PMC)

What Overparenting Looks Like in Real Life

Overparenting isn’t the same as being warm, involved, or protective. It’s more about how involvement is delivered—especially when it replaces a child’s learning opportunities.

Common signs include:

  • Solving problems the child could reasonably solve (calling teachers/coaches/bosses to fix issues, negotiating consequences, managing conflicts for them) (apa.org)
  • Over-monitoring and micromanaging daily routines, schoolwork, friendships, or activities beyond what’s age-appropriate (Wiley Online Library)
  • Overprotecting from normal risk and discomfort (not allowing failure, discomfort, or independent decision-making) (PMC)
  • Excessive tangible help (doing tasks for the child—executive functioning “scaffolding” that never fades) (guilfordjournals.com)

Why Overparenting Happens

Overparenting is usually driven by good intentions and real pressure, not selfishness. Common contributors include:

  • Parent anxiety and fear (about safety, achievement, social standing, or future stability) (guilfordjournals.com)
  • Cultural and economic pressures that frame childhood as high-stakes and competitive (sometimes called “intensive parenting”) (OUP Academic)
  • A mismatch between a child’s needs and the parent’s support level (support doesn’t gradually step back as skills grow) (guilfordjournals.com)

What the Research Says About Potential Impacts

Research findings are nuanced (and many studies are correlational), but the overall pattern is consistent: higher overparenting/helicopter parenting is often associated with weaker adjustment and well-being, especially in adolescence and emerging adulthood.

Mental health and distress

A systematic review of helicopter parenting studies found that most included studies reported relationships with higher anxiety and/or depression symptoms (noting that many studies are cross-sectional and can’t prove direction of cause). (PMC)

Autonomy, self-efficacy, and adjustment

The APA summarized research suggesting that overcontrolling parenting can interfere with children’s ability to adjust in school and social settings and may be linked with poorer functioning when kids must manage independently. (apa.org)

Family communication and satisfaction

Research has also linked overparenting with lower-quality parent–child communication and indirect effects on family satisfaction. (Wiley Online Library)

Emerging adulthood outcomes

Classic work in this area has reported associations between helicopter parenting and poorer psychological well-being in college-aged samples. (Taylor & Francis Online)

Important nuance: Some parental involvement is healthy and protective. The risk tends to increase when support becomes controlling, intrusive, or prevents normal independence-building. (PMC)

Overparenting vs. Healthy Support: A Simple Rule

A practical way to distinguish healthy involvement from overparenting:

  • Healthy support: “I’ll help you think this through, then you try.”
  • Overparenting: “I’ll handle this so you don’t struggle.”

The goal isn’t to step back emotionally—it’s to step back operationally as the child’s capacity grows. (guilfordjournals.com)

How to Reduce Overparenting Without Becoming Hands-Off

Evidence-informed strategies that align with what researchers emphasize about autonomy and development:

  1. Shift from rescuing to coaching
    Ask: “What’s your plan?” “What are two options?” “What’s the next small step?”
  2. Use “fade-out” support
    Provide structure early, then gradually remove it as competence increases.
  3. Normalize safe failure
    Let children experience manageable consequences and discomfort—this is how coping grows. (OUP Academic)
  4. Check your anxiety channel
    If your urge to intervene spikes, pause and ask: “Is this about my fear or their need?” (Parent anxiety is commonly discussed as a driver.) (guilfordjournals.com)
  5. Keep warmth high, control appropriate
    Connection protects; overcontrol can backfire. Aim for support + autonomy, not one or the other. (PMC)

This article was written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S.  Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the Social Work field.  He currently service as the Executive Director and Outpatient Therapist at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health in London Kentucky.  He may be reached by phone at (606) 657-0532 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  • American Psychological Association (APA). (2018). Helicopter parenting may negatively affect children’s behavior and mental health, study suggests. (apa.org)
  • Lawson, D. W. (2025). Extended parental care and the evolution of overparenting. (OUP Academic)
  • LeMoyne, T., & Buchanan, T. (2011). Does “hovering” matter? Helicopter parenting and its effect on well-being. (Taylor & Francis Online)
  • Segrin, C., Woszidlo, A., Givertz, M., & Montgomery, N. (2012). The association between overparenting, parent–child communication, and family satisfaction. (Wiley Online Library)
  • Segrin, C., Woszidlo, A., Givertz, M., & Montgomery, N. (2013). Parent and child traits associated with overparenting. (guilfordjournals.com)
  • Vigdal, J. S., & Brønnick, K. (2022). A systematic review of “helicopter parenting” and its associations with mental health and adjustment. (PMC)
Five Good Ways to Relax

Relaxation is essential for maintaining mental, emotional, and physical well-being. In today’s fast-paced world, finding ways to unwind can be challenging, but it is crucial for stress reduction, mental clarity, and overall health. This article explores five effective ways to relax, supported by research and expert advice.

1. Mindful Meditation

Mindful meditation is one of the most powerful techniques for relaxation. It involves focusing your attention on the present moment, often through controlled breathing, and acknowledging thoughts or sensations without judgment. Research has shown that meditation reduces stress, improves concentration, and fosters a sense of calm.

A study published in Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging found that regular meditation can actually change the brain, increasing gray matter in areas associated with learning, memory, and emotional regulation (Hölzel et al., 2011). By taking just 10-20 minutes a day to practice mindfulness, individuals can experience significant reductions in anxiety and stress.

Mindfulness meditation can be practiced anywhere, whether it’s in a quiet room, at work, or even during a walk. Apps like Headspace and Calm have made it easier to get started with guided meditation sessions for beginners and experienced practitioners alike.

2. Exercise

Physical activity is a highly effective way to relax the body and mind. Whether it’s running, yoga, swimming, or even walking, exercise triggers the release of endorphins—natural chemicals in the brain that act as stress relievers. Exercise also reduces the body’s levels of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), regular physical activity can significantly improve mood, reduce anxiety, and combat the negative effects of stress (APA, 2013). For instance, yoga, a form of exercise that combines physical movement with breathing techniques, has been shown to reduce stress and enhance overall well-being. A study published in the Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine found that yoga reduces cortisol levels and can lead to a reduction in perceived stress (Ross et al., 2013).

Engaging in just 30 minutes of physical activity a few times a week can have profound effects on relaxation and overall mental health.

3. Reading

Reading for pleasure is an excellent way to relax, especially when you get absorbed in a good book. When reading a novel or engaging content, the mind gets a break from daily worries and stressors. Research has shown that reading can reduce stress levels significantly in a short period.

A study from the University of Sussex found that reading for just six minutes can lower stress levels by up to 68%, making it a more effective stress-relief activity than listening to music, drinking tea, or taking a walk (Lewis, 2009). Reading transports the brain into a different world, giving your mind an opportunity to rest and rejuvenate.

Fiction, self-help, and even poetry are good genres to consider when choosing reading material for relaxation. The key is to choose something that interests and engages you.

4. Deep Breathing Exercises

Deep breathing is one of the simplest yet most effective relaxation techniques. By focusing on slow, deep breaths, the body’s parasympathetic nervous system is activated, which helps counteract the “fight or flight” stress response.

Dr. Herbert Benson, a pioneer in the field of mind-body medicine, developed a technique called the “relaxation response,” which emphasizes deep breathing as a way to induce a state of calm and reduce stress (Benson, 1975). This response involves sitting quietly, closing your eyes, and breathing deeply while repeating a word or phrase to yourself, creating a peaceful, meditative state.

One of the most common techniques is “4-7-8 breathing,” which involves inhaling for four seconds, holding the breath for seven seconds, and exhaling slowly for eight seconds. This method has been shown to slow heart rate and promote a sense of relaxation.

5. Spending Time in Nature

Spending time outdoors, whether walking in a park, hiking in the mountains, or simply sitting by a body of water, can have profound effects on relaxation and mental well-being. Nature exposure reduces stress, improves mood, and can even lower blood pressure.

A study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that spending as little as 20 minutes in a natural setting can significantly lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol (Hunter et al., 2019). The calming effect of nature, often referred to as “forest bathing” or “shinrin-yoku” in Japan, has been extensively studied for its ability to promote relaxation and improve mental health.

The sounds of nature, fresh air, and greenery provide a peaceful environment that helps reduce the mental and physical toll of stress. Even a short walk in a park or garden can be enough to reset your mind and reduce anxiety.

Conclusion

Relaxation is vital for maintaining a balanced and healthy lifestyle. By incorporating mindful meditation, regular exercise, reading, deep breathing exercises, and spending time in nature into your daily routine, you can significantly reduce stress and improve your overall well-being. Each of these methods is supported by scientific research and provides effective, accessible ways to unwind and recharge.

This article was written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the executive Director and practitioner at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral health based out of London, Kentucky. John may be reached at 606-657-0532 extension 101 or by email at John @SEKYBH.com.

References

• American Psychological Association (2013). Exercise Fuels Mental Health. Retrieved from APA.

• Benson, H. (1975). The Relaxation Response. William Morrow and Company.

• Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36-43.

• Hunter, M. R., Gillespie, B. W., & Chen, S. Y. P. (2019). Urban Nature Experiences Reduce Stress in the Context of Daily Life Based on Salivary Biomarkers. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 722.

• Lewis, D. (2009). Galaxy Stress Research. Mindlab International, University of Sussex.

• Ross, A., Thomas, S. (2013). The Health Benefits of Yoga and Exercise: A Review of Comparison Studies. Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 16(1), 3-12.

Do You Miss the Way It Was or Do You Miss the Way It Should Have Been?

Feelings of nostalgia and regret are common in life’s journey, especially when reflecting on relationships, past experiences, or significant life changes. Yet, a subtle but important question often arises when people reflect on their past: Do you miss the way it was, or do you miss the way it should have been? This question speaks to the tension between remembering actual past events and yearning for an idealized version of what those experiences could have been. Examining this distinction can help us understand ourselves better, find closure, and learn to move forward in healthier ways.

1. Nostalgia and the Idealization of the Past

Nostalgia is a complex emotion that involves a yearning for the past. While it can evoke warm, comforting feelings, it can also distort memories. Psychologists describe nostalgia as bittersweet because it often involves idealizing the past, focusing on positive memories while downplaying the negative ones (Wildschut et al., 2006). People often miss “the way it was” because nostalgia smooths over the rough edges of reality, leaving only memories of joy, comfort, or connection.

However, nostalgia doesn’t always provide an accurate reflection of past events. A study published in Memory found that nostalgic memories tend to be colored by emotion, leading people to remember the past as more positive than it may have been (Sedikides & Wildschut, 2018). This idealization can sometimes cause individuals to miss the way things “were” without fully acknowledging the challenges or flaws in those past experiences.

On the other hand, some people find themselves missing not what actually happened, but what could have happened. This feeling stems from regret and the recognition that certain situations didn’t unfold as hoped. In this case, they are mourning the loss of an imagined future—a version of events that, in their minds, should have been different or better.

2. Regret and the Longing for What Could Have Been

Regret is a powerful emotion that arises when people feel they have lost out on an opportunity or failed to achieve a desired outcome. Unlike nostalgia, which tends to idealize the past, regret focuses on the gap between reality and expectation. In relationships, careers, or personal decisions, people often feel regret when they realize that things didn’t turn out as they had envisioned.

Research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science indicates that people experience more intense regret over inactions than actions. In other words, people are more likely to regret the things they didn’t do, the words they didn’t say, or the opportunities they didn’t take (Gilovich & Medvec, 1995). This leads to a feeling of missing “the way it should have been”—an alternate reality where different choices led to better outcomes.

This type of regret can be particularly painful because it involves a sense of lost potential. When people think about missed opportunities or paths not taken, they often create a mental image of an idealized version of their lives—one where they made the right choices, found happiness, or achieved success. However, these idealized scenarios are often based on an assumption that everything would have worked out perfectly, which may not be a realistic view.

3. The Role of Expectations in Shaping Our Perceptions

Expectations play a central role in determining whether we miss “the way it was” or “the way it should have been.” When expectations are high, and reality falls short, regret is more likely to surface. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman’s prospect theory suggests that people are more sensitive to losses than to gains. As a result, when reality doesn’t meet our expectations, it feels like a loss, even if the outcome wasn’t inherently negative (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979).

For example, in relationships, people may mourn what “should have been” if they expected certain outcomes—such as lifelong commitment, emotional support, or mutual understanding—that were never realized. When these expectations go unmet, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, regret, and even bitterness. People may find themselves asking “what if?” and dwelling on the possibility that things could have been better if only certain events had played out differently.

Conversely, when expectations are low, people are more likely to look back on the past with nostalgia, finding comfort in the way things were. This is because their expectations were already aligned with reality, allowing them to accept the past as it was without feeling like something better was lost.

4. Grieving Unlived Lives

One of the most difficult aspects of missing “the way it should have been” is grieving the life or relationship that never existed. This concept is related to ambiguous loss, a term coined by psychologist Pauline Boss. Ambiguous loss refers to a type of grief where the object of loss is unclear or unresolved (Boss, 1999). In the context of regret, people may grieve not only for relationships or opportunities that ended but also for the potential that those situations held.

This type of grief can be complex because it involves mourning for something that was never real. People may find themselves dwelling on questions like, “What if I had married someone else?” or “What if I had pursued a different career?” These thoughts can prevent closure because they keep the individual tied to a hypothetical scenario rather than accepting reality.

In these cases, it’s essential to acknowledge the grief associated with unrealized potential, but also to recognize that these imagined lives are just that—imagined. Acceptance and self-compassion are critical in moving forward from this type of loss (Neff, 2003).

5. Moving Forward: Embracing Acceptance and Growth

Whether someone is missing “the way it was” or “the way it should have been,” learning to let go and embrace acceptance is key to moving forward. Acceptance doesn’t mean denying emotions like regret or nostalgia, but rather acknowledging them without letting them control one’s life.

Practicing self-compassion can help individuals cope with regret and missed opportunities. According to researcher Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, recognizing your common humanity, and being mindful of your feelings without judgment (Neff, 2003). By cultivating self-compassion, individuals can begin to release unrealistic expectations and move forward with a greater sense of peace.

Similarly, mindfulness can be a powerful tool in preventing the mind from becoming trapped in the past. A study published in Psychological Science found that mindfulness practices help individuals stay focused on the present moment, reducing rumination on past regrets or missed opportunities (Kabat-Zinn, 2003).

Conclusion

The question of whether we miss “the way it was” or “the way it should have been” speaks to the complexity of human emotions and memory. Nostalgia and regret are two sides of the same coin, each reflecting a different way of engaging with the past. While nostalgia often idealizes the past, regret fixates on the gap between expectations and reality. By understanding these emotional responses, we can gain insight into our inner world and learn to move forward with greater acceptance, self-compassion, and emotional resilience.

References

  • Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Harvard University Press.
  • Gilovich, T., & Medvec, V. H. (1995). The Experience of Regret: What, When, and Why. Psychological Review, 102(2), 379-395.
  • Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect Theory: An Analysis of Decision under Risk. Econometrica, 47(2), 263-291.
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-Based Interventions in Context: Past, Present, and Future. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10(2), 144-156.
  • Neff, K. D. (2003). The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
  • Sedikides, C., & Wildschut, T. (2018). Finding Meaning in Nostalgia. Review of General Psychology, 22(1), 48-61.
  • Wildschut, T., Sedikides, C., Arndt, J., & Routledge, C. (2006). Nostalgia: Content, Triggers, Functions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 975-993.