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All posts by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW

How to Stop Being Roommates and Start Being Lovers Again:  Part 2 Prioritizing Intimacy

In long-term relationships, it’s common for couples to fall into a routine where they feel more like roommates than lovers. The pressures of daily life, such as work, children, and household responsibilities, can erode intimacy over time. As passion fades, couples may find themselves living parallel lives, disconnected emotionally and physically. However, reigniting the flame is possible. By prioritizing intimacy, couples can reconnect and move from being mere roommates back to lovers.

 Understanding the “Roommate Syndrome”

The “roommate syndrome” occurs when partners cohabit but feel emotionally distant, interact primarily out of necessity, and rarely engage in activities that foster closeness. This phenomenon can result in feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment. According to psychologist John Gottman, emotional neglect is one of the primary reasons couples drift apart. In Gottman’s research, happy couples maintain emotional intimacy by continually turning toward each other for connection rather than turning away or ignoring one another .

 Why Intimacy Matters

Intimacy is essential to a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship. It involves emotional connection, physical affection, and mutual vulnerability. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that intimacy creates a sense of security and belonging in relationships . Without intimacy, partners may feel unloved and unimportant, which can eventually erode the foundation of the relationship. Prioritizing intimacy can help rebuild emotional bonds and create an environment where romance can flourish again.

Strategies to Rebuild Intimacy

  1. Make Time for Each Other

One of the most effective ways to reconnect is to intentionally carve out time for your partner. According to a study by the National Marriage Project, couples who spend quality time together at least once a week are more likely to experience higher levels of marital satisfaction . Date nights, shared hobbies, or simply taking a walk together can create opportunities for meaningful conversation and emotional connection.

  • Communicate Openly and Honestly

Open communication is crucial for intimacy. Partners need to express their desires, fears, and frustrations without fear of judgment. Regular check-ins where each partner shares their thoughts and feelings can help ensure that both are on the same page. In Dr. Harville Hendrix’s “Imago Relationship Therapy,” couples are encouraged to use conscious dialogue, which involves listening without interrupting and validating the other person’s emotions . This type of communication fosters emotional intimacy and reduces conflict.

  • Reignite Physical Affection

Physical intimacy is a key component of romantic relationships. While emotional closeness is crucial, physical affection also plays a significant role in reigniting passion. Studies show that physical touch, such as holding hands, hugging, or cuddling, releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which enhances bonding and emotional closeness . Making time for non-sexual physical affection can strengthen the relationship, leading to a more fulfilling sexual connection as well.

  • Prioritize Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy often diminishes in long-term relationships due to stress, fatigue, or routine. However, a healthy sexual relationship is important for many couples to feel close and connected. To rekindle the sexual spark, couples may need to approach intimacy with intention. Sex therapist Esther Perel suggests that desire requires distance, novelty, and excitement . Couples can reignite passion by trying new experiences, exploring fantasies, or simply setting aside uninterrupted time to be intimate.

  • Practice Gratitude and Affirmation

It’s easy to take each other for granted after years of partnership, but practicing gratitude can help reignite feelings of appreciation and love. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, an expert in gratitude research, expressing gratitude helps partners feel valued and strengthens the emotional bond between them . Couples can incorporate gratitude into their daily lives by acknowledging and thanking each other for small gestures, thereby fostering a more positive and loving atmosphere.

  • Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes, the emotional and physical distance between partners requires professional guidance to bridge. Couples therapy can provide tools to rebuild intimacy, improve communication, and address unresolved conflicts. Therapies such as Gottman Method Couples Therapy or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been shown to be effective in helping couples reconnect and repair their relationship  .

 The Power of Small Gestures

Small daily gestures of love and affection can make a significant difference in rebuilding intimacy. Even seemingly insignificant acts, like making your partner coffee in the morning, leaving a kind note, or complimenting them, can show that you care. These moments of connection can accumulate over time, creating a foundation for deeper emotional and physical intimacy.

Revitalizing a relationship and moving from roommates to lovers again requires effort and commitment from both partners. By prioritizing intimacy—through communication, physical affection, shared experiences, and practicing gratitude—couples can restore their emotional and physical connection. Ultimately, rebuilding intimacy strengthens the relationship, making it more resilient to the challenges of life and deepening the bond between partners.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

 References

  1. Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.
  2. Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.
  3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
  4. National Marriage Project. (2011). “The Date Night Opportunity: What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Quality of Relationships?” University of Virginia.
  5. Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  6. Uvnas-Moberg, K. (2003). The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing. Da Capo Press.
  7. Emmons, R. A. (2013). Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity. Jossey-Bass.

Halloween Safety: Home Safety for Trick-or-Treaters

If you’re handing out candy or decorating your home, ensure it’s safe for trick-or-treaters:

  1. Clear Walkways: Make sure your front yard, driveway, and sidewalks are free of obstacles like hoses, decorations, or loose branches that could cause someone to trip.
  2. Light Up Your Home: Keep the outside of your home well-lit to prevent falls and signal to trick-or-treaters that you’re participating in the holiday.
  3. Use Battery-Powered Candles: Instead of real candles, opt for battery-powered LED candles in pumpkins or luminaries to reduce fire hazards.
Men, Are You a Husband Worth Submitting To?

In many faith-based contexts, the idea of a wife “submitting” to her husband is often cited from biblical passages, notably Ephesians 5:22, which states, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” However, this concept has been a subject of much discussion and, at times, controversy. The key question that arises from this teaching is not just about whether women should submit, but also, what kind of husband a woman is being asked to submit to. This shifts the focus to men: are you a husband worthy of submission?

Submission as Partnership, Not Dominance

First and foremost, it’s important to dispel any misunderstanding that submission equates to servitude or a power hierarchy where the husband has unilateral control over the wife. In fact, many Christian theologians emphasize that biblical submission is a call to mutual respect and partnership, not oppression. Ephesians 5:25 offers a counterbalance to the call for wives to submit, stating, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Christ’s love was sacrificial and servant-hearted. A husband worthy of submission is one who leads not with an iron fist but with humility, service, and selflessness. As scholar Craig Keener notes, “The husband is called to a standard of love that is sacrificial to the point of laying down his life if necessary, which suggests that submission, in turn, would never be a demand made in self-interest.” The question then becomes, are you, as a husband, showing the same sacrificial love toward your wife?

Leadership Rooted in Love and Sacrifice

A husband who is worth submitting to is one who takes his role as a leader seriously, but that leadership is modeled after Christ’s example of loving service. In this context, leadership is not about being in charge but rather about taking responsibility for the well-being of the household. Biblical commentator John Piper emphasizes that “submission is a divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” This means that leadership in the home should create an environment where the wife feels valued, respected, and cherished.

Leadership rooted in love means that a husband listens, values his wife’s opinions, and seeks her good above his own. It means being present, both physically and emotionally, and taking active steps to build her up. A husband who neglects these duties, or worse, abuses his role, cannot expect his wife to follow willingly. Respect is earned through actions, not demanded by title alone.

Accountability and Growth in Marriage

Another key aspect of being a husband worthy of submission is a willingness to grow and be accountable. No one enters marriage with perfect knowledge or understanding of how to be an ideal partner. The journey of marriage is about continuous improvement and mutual growth. A husband must be open to feedback from his wife and willing to adjust his behavior when necessary.

As noted by Christian counselor Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage, “Marriage is a process that God uses to shape our character and make us more Christ-like.” A husband who is open to personal growth, who seeks to improve and work through challenges together with his wife, is one who demonstrates the humility necessary for true leadership.

Emotional and Spiritual Support

Lastly, a husband worth submitting to provides both emotional and spiritual support. A wife should feel secure in her relationship, knowing that her husband is a source of strength, love, and guidance. This includes praying together, making joint decisions based on faith, and encouraging spiritual growth within the family.

The writer and speaker Timothy Keller, in his book The Meaning of Marriage, stresses the importance of spiritual intimacy, stating that “marriage is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us.” This spiritual journey is one where both partners play crucial roles, and the husband, as a spiritual leader, should be proactive in fostering an environment where both can grow closer to God.

Conclusion: Worthy of Submission?

Being a husband worth submitting to is about more than just fulfilling a traditional role. It’s about embodying Christ-like love, servant leadership, emotional support, and a commitment to growth. Submission in marriage, when practiced correctly, is not about hierarchy but about mutual respect and love.

Husbands, the real question to ask yourself is this: are you leading with love, humility, and service in a way that reflects Christ? Only then can submission be seen not as an obligation but as a joyful partnership between two people seeking to honor God in their relationship.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  1. The Holy Bible, New International Version, Ephesians 5:22-25.
  2. Keener, Craig. Paul, Women, and Wives: Marriage and Women’s Ministry in the Letters of Paul. Baker Academic, 1992.
  3. Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence. Crossway, 2009.
  4. Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? Zondervan, 2000.
  5. Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. Penguin Books, 2011.

Using “I” Statements to Manage Anger: A Guide for Teens

Teens often experience intense emotions as they navigate the challenges of adolescence. One of the most common emotions that can be difficult to manage is anger. Whether it’s due to conflicts with friends, family, or school pressures, anger can quickly escalate if not handled in a healthy way. One effective communication tool that can help manage anger is the use of “I” statements. In this article, we will explore how teens can use “I” statements to express their feelings more constructively and reduce the likelihood of conflicts.

What Are “I” Statements?

“I” statements are a way of expressing your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing others. They allow you to take ownership of your emotions and communicate them assertively. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” (a “you” statement), you would say, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard” (an “I” statement). This shift in communication style can help diffuse tension and encourage more productive conversations (American Psychological Association [APA], 2021).

Why “I” Statements Work

When teens use “you” statements, it can come across as blaming or criticizing, which often leads to defensiveness and escalates conflict. “I” statements, on the other hand, focus on the speaker’s feelings and the impact of a situation rather than accusing the other person. This approach makes it easier for others to understand and respond to your needs without feeling attacked (Child Mind Institute, 2020).

By using “I” statements, teens can:

  • Express their feelings without escalating anger.
  • Take responsibility for their emotions.
  • Encourage open and honest communication.
  • Reduce misunderstandings and conflict.

How to Use “I” Statements When Angry

  1. Start with “I feel”
  • The first part of an “I” statement is to identify your emotion. For example, “I feel upset,” “I feel frustrated,” or “I feel hurt.” This focuses the conversation on your emotional experience rather than blaming the other person (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Describe the Situation
  • The second part of the statement explains what situation or behavior caused you to feel this way. For example, “I feel upset when you interrupt me,” or “I feel frustrated when I’m not included in decisions.” This provides context without sounding accusatory (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. State the Impact
  • Next, describe how the situation impacts you or why it matters. For example, “I feel left out when I’m not part of the conversation,” or “I feel stressed when plans change suddenly.” This part helps others understand why the issue is important to you (APA, 2021).
  1. Suggest a Solution or Request
  • Finally, suggest a way to resolve the issue or express what you need moving forward. For example, “I need to be included in decisions that affect me,” or “I would appreciate it if you could give me a heads-up when plans change.” This helps the other person understand how they can help meet your needs (Friedman, 2020).

Examples of “I” Statements

Here are some common situations where teens might feel angry, along with examples of how to use “I” statements:

  • Situation: Your friend cancels plans at the last minute.
  • You Statement: “You always cancel on me!”
  • I Statement: “I feel disappointed when plans get canceled at the last minute because I was really looking forward to hanging out.”
  • Situation: Your sibling goes into your room without permission.
  • You Statement: “You never respect my space!”
  • I Statement: “I feel upset when you go into my room without asking because I value my privacy.”
  • Situation: A classmate interrupts you during a group discussion.
  • You Statement: “You’re always interrupting me!”
  • I Statement: “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted during discussions because it makes it harder for me to share my ideas.”

Benefits of Using “I” Statements

  1. Promotes Emotional Awareness
  • When teens use “I” statements, they become more aware of their own emotions and how specific situations affect them. This emotional awareness is a crucial part of anger management because it helps teens pause, reflect, and express their feelings more thoughtfully (Torrente, 2019).
  1. Encourages Positive Communication
  • Using “I” statements fosters more open, respectful conversations. By focusing on your own feelings rather than accusing others, you reduce the likelihood of defensiveness and create a space for positive dialogue (APA, 2021).
  1. Reduces Conflict and Builds Relationships
  • Since “I” statements are less likely to trigger defensiveness, they help prevent conflicts from escalating. Teens who use this communication style are more likely to build stronger, healthier relationships with friends, family, and peers (LeCroy & Daley, 2020).
  1. Promotes Problem-Solving
  • “I” statements shift the focus from blaming to finding solutions. By expressing what you need and how you feel, you make it easier for others to work with you to resolve the issue and meet your needs (Child Mind Institute, 2020).

Overcoming Challenges in Using “I” Statements

While “I” statements can be effective, it may take time and practice to use them consistently, especially in moments of anger. Here are some tips to help teens get comfortable with this communication style:

  1. Practice When Calm
  • The best time to practice “I” statements is when you’re not already upset. Try role-playing with a friend or family member so you can get used to the structure before using it in real-life situations (Friedman, 2020).
  1. Take a Break if Needed
  • If you feel too angry to communicate effectively, it’s okay to step away and cool down. After you’ve calmed down, you can return to the conversation and use an “I” statement to express your feelings (Sukhodolsky et al., 2017).
  1. Be Patient with Yourself
  • It’s normal for teens to struggle with new communication techniques, especially when emotions are running high. Be patient with yourself and remember that it’s okay to make mistakes as you learn how to use “I” statements more effectively (Torrente, 2019).

Conclusion

Using “I” statements is a powerful tool that helps teens manage anger, express their emotions constructively, and reduce conflicts in relationships. By focusing on their own feelings and needs rather than blaming others, teens can create more open, respectful conversations. Practicing “I” statements regularly can lead to better emotional regulation, healthier relationships, and a more peaceful way of handling anger. Over time, this skill becomes an essential part of managing emotions and improving communication.

This article has been written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field and is based in London Kentucky through Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Mr. Collier may be reached by phone at (606) 657–0532 extension 101 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

American Psychological Association. (2021). Controlling Anger Before It Controls You. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Child Mind Institute. (2020). How to Help Kids Manage Anger. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-kids-manage-anger

Friedman, H. S. (2020). The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study. Penguin Books.

LeCroy, C. W., & Daley, J. (2020). Building Your Ideal Private Practice: A Guide for Therapists and Other Mental Health Professionals. Wiley.

Sukhodolsky, D. G., et al. (2017). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anger and aggression in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 25(4), 623–634.

Torrente, R. (2019). Mindfulness for Teens: Proven Techniques to Reduce Stress, Manage Emotions, and Improve Focus. Rockridge Press.