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Getting Triggered: Taking Responsibility for Your Reactions

Your Trigger Is Your Responsibility

The phrase“I got triggered” has become increasingly common in modern conversations. People use it to describe intense emotional reactions to something another person said, did, or failed to do. While emotional triggers are real and deserve attention, there is an important truth that is often overlooked: your emotional trigger is your responsibility, not someone else’s.

This does not mean other people are always right, kind, or considerate. It does not mean hurtful behavior should be excused. Rather, it means that while external events may activate an emotional response, you remain responsible for how you interpret, manage, and respond to that reaction.

Emotional triggers are often connected to unresolved experiences, personal beliefs, fears, insecurities, past trauma, or deeply held expectations. According to the Cleveland Clinic, emotional triggers are situations, events, thoughts, or interactions that provoke intense emotional reactions that may be disproportionate to the present event because they are connected to past experiences. [health.cle…clinic.org]

A trigger is not proof that someone else caused your emotions. Instead, it is often evidence that something within you requires examination, healing, or growth.

Understanding the Difference Between Cause and Responsibility

A useful distinction exists between cause and responsibility.

Someone may say something rude. That statement may act as a catalyst for anger. However, the emotional reaction that follows belongs to the individual experiencing it.

Many people spend years blaming family members, coworkers, former partners, friends, or society for their emotional pain. While others may influence our experiences, remaining trapped in blame often prevents healing.

When responsibility is surrendered, personal power is surrendered as well.

Consider these examples:

  • Someone criticizes your work, and you become enraged.
  • A friend does not text back quickly, and you become anxious.
  • A spouse disagrees with you, and you immediately become defensive.
  • A coworker receives recognition, and you become resentful.

The external event occurred. However, the intensity of the emotional response often reflects an internal issue that deserves attention.

As psychologist Susan Albers notes, emotional triggers often function as “knee-jerk reactions” connected to prior emotional wounds, pain, or stressful experiences rather than the present situation alone. [health.cle…clinic.org]

Why Blaming Others Keeps You Stuck

Blame can feel empowering in the moment because it removes responsibility from ourselves. Unfortunately, it also removes our ability to create lasting change.

When your happiness depends on other people changing, you remain powerless. When your peace depends on others behaving perfectly, you remain trapped. When your emotional well-being depends upon controlling the behavior of everyone around you, you are fighting a battle you cannot win. Personal accountability allows you to move from:

  • Victimhood to ownership
  • Reactivity to intentionality
  • Resentment to growth
  • Helplessness to empowerment

Self-awareness is a foundational component of emotional intelligence. Research and psychological theory indicate that self-awareness helps individuals recognize emotions, understand behavioral patterns, and make more intentional choices. [positiveps…hology.com], [dictionary.apa.org]

Signs That You May Be Operating From a Trigger

You may be reacting from a trigger when:

  • Your emotional response feels much larger than the event itself.
  • You repeatedly experience the same conflicts.
  • You immediately become defensive.
  • You struggle to calm yourself after an interaction.
  • You replay conversations repeatedly in your mind.
  • You frequently blame others for how you feel.
  • You find yourself saying things you later regret.

Recognizing these signs is not a reason for shame. It is an opportunity for growth.

Eight Steps to Take Ownership of Your Triggers

1. Pause Before Reacting

Strong emotions create urgency. Triggers often convince us that immediate action is necessary.

Instead:

  • Stop.
  • Take several deep breaths.
  • Create distance between feeling and action.

Even a brief pause allows the thinking parts of the brain to engage before impulsive behavior occurs. Naming and observing emotions can strengthen emotional regulation and reduce reactivity. [apa.org], [scienceinsights.org]

2. Identify What You Are Feeling

Many people only recognize anger.

However, underneath anger may be:

  • Fear
  • Shame
  • Rejection
  • Insecurity
  • Embarrassment
  • Loneliness
  • Disappointment

Ask yourself:

“What am I actually feeling right now?”

Awareness creates choice.

3. Ask, “Why Does This Affect Me So Strongly?”

Instead of focusing on the other person’s behavior, focus inward.

Questions to consider:

  • What belief was activated?
  • What fear was touched?
  • What memory does this remind me of?
  • Why does this matter so much to me?

This shift transforms the experience from blame to self-discovery.

4. Separate Facts From Stories

The event and the story you tell yourself about the event are not the same thing.

Example:

Fact: Someone interrupted you.

Story: They do not respect me.

The emotional reaction usually attaches itself to the story, not merely the event. Challenge assumptions and consider alternative explanations before reacting.

5. Own Your Emotional Experience

Practice saying:

  • “I feel hurt.”
  • “I feel anxious.”
  • “I feel angry.”
  • “I am responsible for how I respond.”

Avoid statements such as:

  • “You made me angry.”
  • “You ruined my day.”
  • “You caused my anxiety.”

Others influence us, but they do not control our responses.

6. Develop Healthy Coping Skills

The National Institutes of Health recommends evidence-based wellness practices that help individuals manage emotional stress and build resilience, including mindfulness, physical activity, social support, adequate sleep, gratitude practices, and healthy self-care routines. [nih.gov], [nimh.nih.gov]

Helpful coping strategies include:

MindfulnessLearn to observe emotions without immediately reacting.
Deep BreathingSlow breathing helps calm the body’s stress response.
JournalingWriting allows emotions to be processed instead of suppressed.
ExercisePhysical activity helps regulate mood and reduce stress.
MeditationMeditation increases emotional awareness and self-control.
TherapyProfessional support can help uncover deeper emotional patterns.
Social SupportHealthy relationships provide perspective and encouragement. [apa.org], [nih.gov]

7. Reframe the Trigger as a Teacher

Instead of asking: “Why did they do this to me?”

Ask: “What is this reaction teaching me about myself?”

Every trigger contains information. It may point toward:

  • An insecurity
  • An unmet need
  • A fear
  • A limiting belief
  • An unresolved wound

Growth begins when curiosity replaces blame.

8. Practice Accountability Daily

Accountability is a skill. Each day ask yourself:

  • What triggered me today?
  • How did I respond?
  • What could I have done differently?
  • What lesson did I learn?

Over time these reflections strengthen emotional resilience and self-awareness.

Conclusion

Being triggered is part of the human experience. Everyone encounters situations that evoke strong emotions. The presence of a trigger is not a character flaw, nor is it proof that someone else is responsible for your emotional state. Healing begins when we stop viewing triggers as evidence of other people’s failures and start viewing them as opportunities for self-examination and growth.

You may not be responsible for every experience that shaped you, but you are responsible for how you manage your reactions today. The moment you stop blaming others for your triggers is the moment you begin reclaiming your power. You are not responsible for what happened to you in the past. You are responsible for what you do with it now. Growth occurs when accountability becomes stronger than blame, and self-awareness becomes stronger than reactivity.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S Executive Director | Clinical Social Worker | Community Advocate For more than two decades, John S. Collier has dedicated his career to strengthening individuals, families, and communities through compassionate behavioral healthcare, leadership, and advocacy. As the founder and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, he has played a significant role in expanding access to mental health, case management, and community-based support services throughout Eastern Kentucky. A graduate of the University of Kentucky College of Social Work, Mr. Collier earned his Master of Social Work degree in 2004 and subsequently became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Throughout his career, he has remained committed to serving individuals across the lifespan, including children, adolescents, adults, older adults, couples, and families. Professional Leadership As Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, Mr. Collier oversees a growing multidisciplinary behavioral health organization providing outpatient therapy, targeted case management, positive behavior support services, and community-based supports. He also maintains clinical and supervisory responsibilities, serving in multiple leadership and professional capacities within the organization, including clinical supervision, positive behavior support, staff development, program development, and community outreach. His professional work includes: Clinical psychotherapy and behavioral health treatment Positive Behavior Support planning and consultation Clinical supervision and staff development Community mental health advocacy Program development and organizational leadership Behavioral assessment and intervention planning Service coordination for individuals with complex behavioral and developmental needs Clinical Philosophy Mr. Collier’s clinical philosophy centers on treating the whole person rather than merely addressing symptoms. He utilizes evidence-based approaches while emphasizing dignity, respect, empowerment, and individualized treatment planning. His work incorporates cognitive-behavioral principles, trauma-informed care, person-centered planning, family involvement, and strengths-based interventions designed to help individuals reach their fullest potential. He is particularly passionate about increasing access to behavioral healthcare in rural communities and ensuring individuals receive services that are practical, meaningful, and tailored to their unique strengths and needs. Community Involvement Beyond his clinical work, Mr. Collier has demonstrated a strong commitment to community engagement throughout his career. His efforts have included public education, outreach initiatives, advocacy for mental health awareness, and collaboration with schools, healthcare providers, and community organizations. He believes strong communities are built when mental health services are accessible, stigma is reduced, and individuals are empowered to succeed. Author, Educator, and Advocate In addition to his clinical and leadership roles, Mr. Collier has contributed to professional and community discussions through writing and education. Publicly available information indicates that he has been a published author in areas related to mental health, Freemasonry, and poetry. His work reflects a commitment to personal growth, community service, and the advancement of behavioral health knowledge. Personal Values Throughout his professional journey, Mr. Collier has remained grounded in the core values of social work: service, integrity, competence, dignity and worth of every person, the importance of human relationships, and social justice. Colleagues, clients, and community partners know him for his commitment to helping others achieve meaningful and lasting change while fostering an environment of compassion, respect, and accountability. This dedication continues to guide both his leadership and clinical practice today. Contact Information Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC 202 West 7th Street Suite 200 London, Kentucky 40741 Phone: (606) 657-0532 Ext. 101

References

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Emotion-Focused Coping. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from APA Dictionary of Psychology. [dictionary.apa.org]

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Emotions. Retrieved from the American Psychological Association. [apa.org]

American Psychological Association. (2018). Emotional Intelligence. APA Dictionary of Psychology. [dictionary.apa.org]

American Psychological Association. (2024). Healthy Ways to Handle Life’s Stressors. American Psychological Association. [apa.org]

Cleveland Clinic. (2024). Can You Identify Your Emotional Triggers? Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials. [health.cle…clinic.org]

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Managing Difficult Emotions. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. [cdc.gov]

National Institute of Mental Health. (2025). Caring for Your Mental Health. National Institutes of Health. [nimh.nih.gov]

National Institutes of Health. (2026). Emotional Wellness Toolkit. National Institutes of Health. [nih.gov]

Positive Psychology. (2025). Using Self-Awareness Theory and Skills in Psychology. PositivePsychology.com. [positiveps…hology.com]

The Mercy of Open Hands: Book 3 of 5 in the Expressions Behind His Silence series released.

From author and licensed clinical social worker John S. Collier comes a powerful new series of books exploring love, loss, faith, emotional healing, and personal growth. With honesty shaped by both professional experience and a life marked by hardship, perseverance, and grace, Collier invites readers to examine the hidden places of the heart. Each book blends practical wisdom with vivid metaphor, offering encouragement to those learning to release the past, rebuild their identity, establish healthier relationships, and trust God through uncertain seasons. This is more than a collection of books—it is a journey from merely surviving life’s storms to discovering the strength, purpose, and peace needed to live fully again.

https://a.co/d/0gTmck1t

Expressions from Behind His Silence: Valume 3: Thwe Mercy of Open Hands

Some endings do not arrive with anger. They arrive with open hands.

The Mercy of Open Hands, Volume Three of the Expressions from Behind His Silence series, follows a man through heartbreak, acceptance, forgiveness, and the difficult grace of release.

Through intimate, reflective poetry, John S. Collier explores what it means to love someone without possessing them, to carry grief without becoming bitter, and to let go without denying that the love was real.

These poems speak to the moment when holding on begins to wound more than losing—and to the quiet courage required to choose peace.

This collection is for anyone learning that surrender is not weakness, forgiveness does not erase the past, and sometimes the most loving thing the heart can do is open its hands.

The Need to Know Why: Understanding Our Desire for Explanations and Learning to Accept What We Cannot Change

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

Introduction

Human beings possess a remarkable ability to think, reason, and seek understanding. One of the most common responses to unexpected, unpleasant, or confusing situations is the question, “Why?” Whether faced with disappointing news, organizational changes, personal loss, conflict, or circumstances beyond our control, many people experience a strong desire to understand the reasoning behind events. While seeking understanding is often beneficial, the persistent need for explanations can sometimes prevent us from accepting reality and moving forward.

Psychological research suggests that individuals naturally seek certainty because uncertainty creates discomfort. Our minds are wired to search for patterns, causes, and explanations that help us make sense of our experiences. However, there are situations where no explanation will fully satisfy us, and our continued search for answers can become an obstacle to healing, growth, and resilience (Kruglanski & Webster, 1996; American Psychological Association, 2018).

The Human Need for Closure

Social psychologist Arie Kruglanski introduced the concept of the Need for Cognitive Closure, which refers to an individual’s desire for a firm answer and an aversion to ambiguity and uncertainty. People with a high need for closure often feel uncomfortable when questions remain unanswered and may seek explanations even when those explanations do not change the outcome (Kruglanski & Webster, 1996).

The American Psychological Association defines the need for closure as the motivation to achieve finality and certainty in decisions, judgments, and life events. Individuals with a strong need for closure often struggle to tolerate situations where information is incomplete or unavailable (APA Dictionary of Psychology, 2018).

From an evolutionary perspective, this tendency makes sense. Early humans benefited from quickly identifying threats and predicting outcomes. The ability to understand cause and effect increased survival. Today, however, our brains often apply the same instincts to complex social and emotional situations where certainty may not be possible.

Why We Resist Accepting What We Do Not Understand

When we hear information that challenges our beliefs, expectations, or desires, accepting it without explanation can feel emotionally threatening. Several psychological processes contribute to this reaction.

Cognitive Dissonance

Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance suggests that individuals experience psychological discomfort when they hold conflicting beliefs or when reality contradicts their expectations. Seeking an explanation allows a person to reduce that discomfort by creating a coherent narrative (Festinger, 1957).

For example, if an employee is informed that a policy has changed, they may immediately ask why. While the explanation may provide useful context, the deeper motivation is often the desire to reduce the tension created by the unexpected change.

Intolerance of Uncertainty

Research indicates that uncertainty itself can trigger anxiety and emotional distress. When individuals do not understand the reasons behind an event, they may imagine alternative explanations, repeatedly analyze the situation, or engage in rumination. Ironically, this often increases emotional suffering rather than reducing it (Anderson et al., 2019).

The Illusion of Control

People frequently believe that understanding “why” gives them greater control over circumstances. While knowledge can certainly enhance decision-making, many life events remain beyond our influence regardless of how thoroughly we understand them. In these circumstances, seeking more information may create the illusion of control while delaying acceptance.

When Understanding Is Helpful

This article is not suggesting that people should never ask questions or seek clarification. Understanding is often essential.

Knowing why can:

  • Improve decision-making.
  • Promote learning and growth.
  • Strengthen communication.
  • Prevent misunderstandings.
  • Increase trust and transparency.
  • Reduce unnecessary anxiety.

In healthcare, counseling, leadership, and education, providing a rationale often increases cooperation and engagement. Individuals are more likely to embrace change when they understand its purpose.

Therefore, the goal is not to eliminate the question “why,” but to recognize when seeking additional explanations ceases to be productive.

The Cost of Excessive Explanation-Seeking

Problems arise when individuals become emotionally dependent on obtaining explanations before they can move forward.

Common signs include:

  • Repeatedly revisiting the same issue.
  • Obsessing over unanswered questions.
  • Refusing to accept decisions without complete agreement.
  • Delaying action until every detail is understood.
  • Seeking reassurance from multiple sources without relief.

In counseling, many clients discover that even after receiving explanations, they continue searching for more answers. What they truly desire is not information but emotional comfort.

Unfortunately, explanations cannot always provide peace. Peace often comes from acceptance.

The Power of Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean approval, agreement, or surrender. Acceptance simply means acknowledging reality as it exists.

Psychological approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) emphasize that emotional well-being improves when individuals stop fighting reality and begin focusing on actions aligned with their values (Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 1999).

Acceptance allows us to shift from questions such as:

  • “Why did this happen?”
  • “Why did they do that?”
  • “Why wasn’t this fair?”

to more productive questions such as:

  • “What can I learn from this?”
  • “How should I respond?”
  • “What is within my control?”

These questions move us from passive reflection to active growth.

Learning to Move Forward Without All the Answers

Maturity often involves developing the ability to tolerate uncertainty.

Life presents many situations where explanations are incomplete, unavailable, or unsatisfying:

  • Organizational decisions.
  • Relationship endings.
  • Loss and grief.
  • Medical diagnoses.
  • Economic hardships.
  • Personal disappointments.

Waiting for perfect understanding before moving forward can leave a person emotionally stuck.

Instead, emotional resilience develops when individuals recognize that acceptance does not require full understanding.

Some of life’s greatest growth occurs when we choose to move forward despite unanswered questions.

Conclusion

The desire to know “why” is a normal and deeply human response. It reflects our need for certainty, predictability, and understanding. In many situations, seeking explanations is valuable and necessary. However, there comes a point when the endless pursuit of answers becomes more harmful than helpful.

The healthiest individuals are not necessarily those who always find explanations. They are often those who have learned to distinguish between what can be understood and what must simply be accepted.

Sometimes the most powerful words we can say are:

“I may never fully understand this, but I can still move forward.”

That mindset transforms uncertainty from an obstacle into an opportunity for growth.

—

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a licensed clinical social worker supervisor, behavioral health executive, and mental health professional with extensive experience in psychotherapy, community mental health, behavioral support services, and organizational leadership. He serves as Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, where he oversees multidisciplinary behavioral health programs serving individuals and families throughout Kentucky.

Mr. Collier specializes in clinical assessment, treatment planning, behavioral intervention, cognitive-behavioral approaches, acceptance-based interventions, and leadership development within behavioral healthcare organizations. His writing focuses on the intersection of psychology, human behavior, resilience, personal growth, and practical applications of evidence-based mental health principles.

Drawing from both clinical practice and organizational leadership, John seeks to translate complex psychological concepts into meaningful insights that help individuals, families, and professionals navigate life’s challenges with greater understanding and purpose.

—

References

American Psychological Association. (2018). Need for closure. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/need-for-closure

Anderson, E. C., Carleton, R. N., Diefenbach, M., & Han, P. K. J. (2019). The relationship between uncertainty and affect. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 2504.

Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change. Guilford Press.

Kruglanski, A. W., & Webster, D. M. (1996). Motivated closing of the mind: Seizing and freezing. Psychological Review, 103(2), 263-283.

Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2000). The Case for Marriage. Doubleday.

Be Content With What You Have, But Never With Who You Are Becoming

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There comes a point in life when we should be able to look around and say, “I have enough.”

Enough clothes.

Enough things.

A good enough vehicle.

A comfortable enough home.

Enough possessions to live our lives without constantly chasing the next purchase.

That does not mean we stop working, dreaming, planning, or enjoying nice things. There is nothing inherently wrong with financial success or material comfort. The problem begins when we believe the next possession, promotion, house, vehicle, or dollar will somehow complete us.

Research has repeatedly found an important difference between pursuing material goals and pursuing goals involving personal growth, relationships, and contribution to others. Psychologist Tim Kasser describes materialistic values as those centered on wealth, possessions, image, and status. When these become a person’s highest priorities, they tend to conflict with goals involving relationships and personal or spiritual growth. (Annual Reviews⁠)

There is, however, another kind of contentment that can become dangerous.

We can become too content with ourselves.

We can decide that because we have reached a certain age, earned a certain degree, achieved professional success, raised children, accumulated possessions, or survived difficult seasons of life, we no longer need to change.

That is where contentment becomes complacency.

We should learn to say:

“I have enough.”

But we should be very cautious about ever saying:

“I am good enough that I no longer need to grow.”

Contentment and Complacency Are Not the Same Thing

Contentment is gratitude.

Complacency is stagnation.

Contentment says, “I appreciate what I have.”

Complacency says, “I don’t need to become better.”

Those are very different statements.

You can appreciate your home without needing a larger one and still recognize that you need to become more patient.

You can be satisfied with your income while recognizing that you need to become more generous.

You can enjoy your accomplishments while realizing that you need to become more humble.

You can be grateful for your relationships while recognizing that you need to become a better listener.

You can appreciate who you are without pretending there is nothing left to change.

Research on human motivation supports the value of this distinction. Self-Determination Theory distinguishes extrinsic aspirations—such as money, fame, appearance, and recognition—from intrinsic aspirations such as personal growth, meaningful relationships, community involvement, and health. Intrinsic goals are more closely connected to basic psychological needs and well-being. (Self Determination Theory⁠)

In studies by Kasser and Ryan, people who placed greater relative importance on intrinsic aspirations such as self-acceptance, relationships, and community reported better indicators of well-being than people whose priorities centered more heavily on financial success, appearance, and recognition. (Sage Journals⁠)

Perhaps one of the healthiest things we can learn is this:

Stop trying to constantly upgrade everything you own and begin intentionally upgrading the person who owns it.

There Is Nothing Wrong With Having Nice Things

Material possessions themselves are not the enemy. Money can feed a family. A house can provide safety. A dependable vehicle can get us to work. Savings can provide security.

A successful business can employ people and support a community. Money can be given generously to someone in need. Material resources can accomplish tremendous good. The question is not simply what we possess. The deeper question is what possesses us.

Research does not suggest that merely owning things makes someone unhappy. Rather, concerns arise when wealth, image, possessions, and status become central measures of identity and success. Kasser’s review of the literature found that giving materialistic values relatively high priority is associated with lower personal well-being and poorer interpersonal outcomes. (Annual Reviews⁠)

There is freedom in reaching the place where we can look at what someone else owns without suddenly becoming dissatisfied with what we have.

Their new vehicle does not make ours less dependable.

Their larger house does not make ours less of a home.

Their salary does not determine our worth.

Their success does not make us unsuccessful.

Someone else’s abundance does not automatically mean we are lacking.

That is contentment.

But Never Become Content With Your Character

There is a completely different standard when we turn our attention inward.

Our possessions can reach enough.

Our character should always remain under construction.

We should never reach a point where we decide:

I am patient enough.

I am compassionate enough.

I am disciplined enough.

I am forgiving enough.

I am wise enough.

I am humble enough.

I am honest enough.

I am loving enough.

I am spiritually mature enough.

There is always another lesson.There is always another rough edge that can be polished. There is always another weakness that can become stronger. There is always another opportunity to become better.

That does not mean living with constant self-criticism. Healthy personal development is not about waking every morning and deciding something is wrong with you. It is about recognizing that being a worthwhile human being today does not prevent you from becoming a better human being tomorrow.

Self-acceptance and self-improvement can exist at the same time.

The House May Be Finished, But You Are Not

Think about building a house.

Eventually the foundation is complete. The walls are finished. The roof is installed. The rooms are painted. Furniture is moved inside.

At some point, we can reasonably say:

“It is finished.”

Human character does not work that way.There is no final nail. There is no last coat of paint. There is no day when we should hang a sign on our hearts reading:

CONSTRUCTION COMPLETE.

Life keeps remodeling us.

Marriage reveals things about us.

Parenthood reveals things about us.

Divorce can reveal things about us.

Friendship reveals things about us.

Leadership reveals things about us.

Failure reveals things about us.

Success reveals things about us.

Grief reveals things about us.

Conflict reveals things about us.

Getting older reveals things about us.

Even the people who irritate us sometimes reveal something about us.

Every season gives us another opportunity to examine the structure.

Sometimes we discover a crack.

Sometimes we discover something that needs reinforcing.

Sometimes we discover something that needs torn out and rebuilt.

The wise person does not become ashamed because something needs work.

The wise person does the work.

Ask Hard Questions About Yourself

Growth requires self-examination.

It is easy to identify what everybody else needs to change.

It is much harder to ask:

What do I need to change?

Where am I difficult to live with?

Do I listen, or am I simply waiting for my opportunity to speak?

Can I accept correction without becoming defensive?

Do I apologize without adding an excuse?

Do I treat people differently depending upon what they can do for me?

Do I carry grudges?

Do I speak respectfully when I am angry?

Am I dependable?

Do the people closest to me experience the same person that strangers see?

Do I practice privately what I claim to value publicly?

Those questions can be uncomfortable.

They are supposed to be.

Growth usually begins somewhere beyond our comfort.

Character Is Wealth Too

We spend enormous amounts of energy building financial wealth while sometimes overlooking another form of wealth.

Patience is wealth.

Integrity is wealth.

Wisdom is wealth.

A peaceful conscience is wealth.

Self-control is wealth.

A trustworthy reputation is wealth.

A strong marriage is wealth.

Children who know they are loved are wealth.

Friendships built over decades are wealth.

The ability to admit you were wrong is wealth.

Forgiveness is wealth.

Compassion is wealth.

Faith is wealth.

A life that made someone else’s life better is wealth.

None of those appear on a bank statement.

Yet they may ultimately become the most valuable things we possess.

Research following young adults after college found something especially interesting: achieving intrinsic aspirations involving growth, relationships, community, and health was associated with better psychological health. Achieving extrinsic aspirations, however, did not produce the same benefit and was associated in that study with indicators of ill-being. (ScienceDirect⁠)

In other words, getting what we want is not always the same thing as getting what we need.

Success Is Also a Character Test

We often think adversity tests character.

It does. But success tests character too. What happens when you have money? What happens when people know your name?What happens when you become the person making decisions?What happens when people begin calling you sir, ma’am, doctor, boss, director, president, or leader?What happens when you finally occupy the room you once dreamed of entering?

Do you remember the people who helped you get there?Do you still treat the person cleaning the room with the same dignity as the person leading the meeting?

Success can improve our circumstances without necessarily improving our character.That improvement remains our responsibility.The goal should be to climb higher without believing the climb makes us higher than other people.

Compare Yourself Differently

Materialism encourages horizontal comparison.

We look sideways.

What does he drive?

Where does she live?

How much do they earn?

Where did they vacation?

What are they wearing?

What position do they hold?

Growth asks us to make a different comparison.

Look backward.

Compare yourself with yourself.

Who were you five years ago?

Who were you last year?

Who were you yesterday?

Are you more patient?

Are you more forgiving?

Do you handle disappointment better?

Are you more dependable?

Are you less judgmental?

Can you admit when you are wrong?

Do you communicate better?

Do you love people better?

Have you learned anything from your failures?

Are you becoming wiser rather than merely older?

That is a much more meaningful measurement of success.

Never Become Too Old to Grow

One of the saddest sentences a person can say is:

“That’s just the way I am.”

Sometimes those words are presented as self-acceptance.

Often they are simply permission not to change.

Perhaps you have always had a temper.

Work on it.

Perhaps you have always struggled to communicate.

Learn.

Perhaps apologizing is difficult.

Practice.

Perhaps you interrupt people.

Listen.

Perhaps you hold grudges.

Learn forgiveness.

Perhaps you have spent years blaming everyone else.

Examine yourself.

Your past may explain something about your character.

It does not necessarily have to determine your future character.

As long as we are living, there is an opportunity to learn.

The Biblical Balance: Contentment and Growth

Scripture provides a remarkable balance between contentment and continued growth.

Paul wrote:

“But godliness with contentment is great gain.”
— 1 Timothy 6:6

Biblical contentment is not a command to abandon growth. Paul himself rejected the idea that he had spiritually arrived. In Philippians 3:12–14, he explained that he had not already reached perfection but continued pressing forward toward what lay ahead.

That gives us two important biblical ideas that belong together:

Be content with what God has provided.

Keep growing into who God is calling you to become.

We can be grateful without becoming stagnant.

We can appreciate today without believing yesterday’s growth is sufficient for tomorrow.

Conclusion: Have Enough, But Keep Becoming

There may eventually come a time when you look around your home and realize you really do not need much more.

That is a blessing.

Enjoy it.

Sit on the porch.

Drink the coffee.

Drive the vehicle you already own.

Wear the clothes already hanging in your closet.

Enjoy the people sitting around your table.

Stop believing happiness is waiting inside the next box delivered to your front door.

Say:

“Thank You, God. I have enough.”

But when you look into the mirror, maintain enough humility to say something different.

“There is still work to do.”

Not because you are worthless.

Because you are unfinished.

Become kinder.

Become wiser.

Become more patient.

Become more disciplined.

Become more forgiving.

Become more dependable.

Become more compassionate.

Become more courageous.

Become more generous.

Become more humble.

Become more loving.

Become more like Christ.

One day, you may have enough possessions.

But you should never have enough character.

Be content with what is in your hands. Be grateful for what is under your roof. But never become complacent about what is being built within your heart.

Devotion: Lord, Keep Working on Me

Scripture

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on…”
— Philippians 3:12

There is something deeply humbling about Paul’s words.

This was a man who had devoted his life to Christ, endured tremendous suffering for his faith, taught others, established churches, and wrote letters that would become part of the New Testament.

Yet Paul did not say:

“I have arrived.”

He said, in essence:

“I am still pressing forward.”

That should tell us something.

Christian maturity is not reaching a place where God no longer needs to work on us.

Christian maturity may actually be becoming increasingly willing to let Him work.

We can thank God for what He has already changed without pretending there is nothing left to change.

Perhaps God has helped you become more patient.

There may still be more patience to learn.

Perhaps you have learned forgiveness.

There may still be someone difficult to forgive.

Perhaps you have grown in wisdom.

There are still things you do not understand.

Perhaps your faith is stronger than it was ten years ago.

It can become stronger still.

We are simultaneously grateful for the work God has completed and available for the work He has not.

Reflection

Today, instead of asking God for another possession, another opportunity, another achievement, or another blessing, consider asking Him something different:

“Lord, what needs to change in me?”

That prayer requires courage.

The answer may involve pride.

It may involve anger.

It may involve forgiveness.

It may involve how we speak to someone.

It may involve admitting we were wrong.

It may involve becoming more generous.

It may involve surrendering something we desperately want.

But perhaps one of God’s greatest blessings is not always changing what is around us.

Sometimes His greatest work is changing what is within us.

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for everything You have provided. Teach me to recognize when I have enough. Protect my heart from comparison, envy, greed, and the endless desire for more.

Help me enjoy the blessings already sitting around my table.

But Father, while teaching me contentment with material things, never allow me to become complacent about my character.

Show me where I need to grow.

Correct me when I am wrong.

Humble me when pride gets in the way.

Teach me patience when I become frustrated.

Teach me forgiveness when I have been hurt.

Teach me compassion when I am tempted to judge.

Teach me courage when doing what is right is difficult.

Teach me to listen more carefully, speak more wisely, love more deeply, and serve more willingly.

I do not ask You simply to give me more.

I ask You to make more of me.

Thank You for how far You have brought me.

And thank You that You are not finished with me yet.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S, is a licensed clinical social worker, behavioral health professional, author, and community leader whose career has centered on helping individuals and families navigate life’s difficult seasons. His writing draws from social work, human behavior, relationships, faith, personal reflection, and the lessons that can be discovered through both success and adversity.

Collier’s articles and poetry frequently explore personal responsibility, emotional wellness, relationships, faith, healing, resilience, leadership, and the continuing process of becoming a better person. Rather than presenting growth as the pursuit of perfection, his work emphasizes self-examination, accountability, grace, compassion, and the willingness to continue learning.

At the heart of his writing is a simple belief: our experiences may shape us, but we still have a responsibility to decide what kind of people those experiences will help us become.

References

Kasser, T. (2016). Materialistic values and goals. Annual Review of Psychology, 67, 489–514. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-122414-033344. (Annual Reviews⁠)

Kasser, T., & Ryan, R. M. (1996). Further examining the American dream: Differential correlates of intrinsic and extrinsic goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 22(3), 280–287. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167296223006. (Sage Journals⁠)

Niemiec, C. P., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2009). The path taken: Consequences of attaining intrinsic and extrinsic aspirations in post-college life. Journal of Research in Personality, 43(3), 291–306. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2008.09.001. (ScienceDirect⁠)

Schmuck, P., Kasser, T., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Intrinsic and extrinsic goals: Their structure and relationship to well-being in German and U.S. college students. Social Indicators Research, 50, 225–241. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1007084005278. (DOI⁠)

Self-Determination Theory. (n.d.). Goals, values and aspirations. Center for Self-Determination Theory. (Self Determination Theory⁠)

The Holy Bible. 1 Timothy 6:6–8; Philippians 3:12–14; Romans 12:2; 2 Peter 1:5–8.