Welcome to SOUTHEAST KENTUCKY BEHAVIORAL HEALTH

Tag Self-worth

From Victim to Survivor: Reclaiming the Life That Was Never Theirs to Take

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There is a difference between being a victim and living permanently from the frame of mind of a victim.

If someone abused you, betrayed you, abandoned you, assaulted you, neglected you, manipulated you, or harmed you, you may have truly been a victim.

That is a fact.

Calling yourself a survivor does not change the facts. It does not make what happened smaller. It does not excuse the person who hurt you.

It changes something else.

It changes who gets to write the next chapter.

A victim asks:

“Look what they did to me.”

A survivor eventually learns to ask:

“What am I going to do with my life now?”

That may sound like a small difference.

It isn’t.

It may be one of the most important changes that happens during healing.

First, There Is No Shame in Being a Victim

Before talking about a “victim mindset,” we need to be extraordinarily careful with our words.

A person who has experienced trauma may feel afraid, angry, powerless, suspicious, overwhelmed, or emotionally numb. These responses should not automatically be interpreted as weakness or a character problem.

SAMHSA describes trauma as experiences that can have lasting effects on a person’s mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It also emphasizes that people respond to traumatic experiences differently. Strong support and resilient qualities can influence how someone responds. Likewise, the American Psychological Association recognizes that trauma can have long-lasting psychological and physical consequences, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, dissociation, and other difficulties. So when someone has been badly hurt, telling them to “stop acting like a victim” can be cruel and clinically misguided.

There are times when surviving is enough.

Getting through the day is enough.

Staying safe is enough.

Getting out of bed is enough.

But there may eventually come a point when survival asks something more of us.

The question changes from:

“What happened to me?”

to:

“What happens next?”

The Victim Frame of Mind

The victim frame of mind is not simply sadness about something painful.

It occurs when the injury becomes the lens through which a person begins interpreting much of life.

Something terrible happened to me.

Therefore:

  • I am powerless.
  • People cannot be trusted.
  • My life will always be this way.
  • There is nothing I can do.
  • Someone else must change before I can heal.
  • My past determines my future.
  • What was taken from me can never be rebuilt.
  • Because I was hurt, I will always be broken.

These beliefs are understandable after trauma.

But understandable does not necessarily mean helpful forever.

One particularly important example is avoidance. VA National Center for PTSD explains that wanting to avoid reminders of trauma is common, but relying heavily on avoidance can worsen PTSD symptoms and make moving forward more difficult. A coping strategy that once helped you survive can eventually become the wall preventing you from living.

That is one of trauma’s cruel contradictions.

The Survivor Frame of Mind

The survivor does not pretend the wound never happened.

The survivor learns to carry the scar without allowing the scar to become an identity.

The survivor can say:

Yes, that happened.

Yes, it hurt me.

Yes, I have wounds from it.

No, it was not fair.

No, I did not deserve it.

And yes, I still have a life to live.

Research on resilience after trauma examines precisely this question: how people adapt following profoundly difficult experiences and how resilience can be fostered after trauma. Survival is therefore not denial.

It is not saying:

“It didn’t hurt.”

It is saying:

“It hurt, and I am still here.”

Victim Thinking Says, “They Have the Power.”

Survivor thinking says:

“I have choices.”

Perhaps you could not choose what happened.

You can choose what you do today.

You can choose whether to ask for help.

You can choose your boundaries.

You can choose whom you allow close to you.

You can choose whether to continue treatment.

You can choose whether the people who wounded your past are permitted to control your future.

Trauma-informed care itself recognizes the importance of safety, trust, collaboration, empowerment, voice, and choice in recovery. SAMHSA identifies these ideas among the central principles of trauma-informed approaches. That word matters:

Choice.

Trauma frequently involves losing control.

Recovery often involves discovering where control still exists.

“Why Did This Happen to Me?”

Nearly everyone who has suffered deeply has asked some version of this question.

Why me?

Why did they do it?

Why didn’t someone protect me?

Why didn’t I see it?

Why didn’t I leave sooner?

Why didn’t anyone believe me?

Those questions deserve compassion.

But there is another question that can eventually become more useful:

“Given that this happened, who do I want to become now?”

That question cannot rewrite yesterday.

It can begin changing tomorrow.

Survivors Learn the Difference Between Responsibility and Blame

This may be the hardest concept in the entire journey.

You are not necessarily responsible for what happened to you.

But you eventually become responsible for what you do with what happened to you.

Those are completely different statements.

If someone injured you, responsibility for that action belongs to that person.

Healing belongs to you.

That may feel terribly unfair.

It often is.

Sometimes another person creates the wound while you are left doing the work of repairing it.

But refusing to heal until the person who hurt you makes everything right can leave your future tied to the very person who harmed your past.

Your healing does not need their permission.

Your recovery does not require their understanding.

Your future does not require their apology.

Accountability matters. Justice matters. Acknowledgment matters. In fact, the American Psychological Association recognizes the potential importance of acknowledgment, apology, redress, and restitution in trauma recovery. But your life cannot always remain suspended while waiting for those things.

How Do You Become the Survivor?

There is no switch that suddenly changes someone from victim to survivor.

Healing tends to be a process.

Some days you may feel strong.

The next day, something may trigger an old wound and make you feel as though you have gone backward.

You haven’t necessarily failed.

Here are several places to begin.

1. Tell the Truth About What Happened

Survivorship doesn’t begin by minimizing the past.

It begins with truth.

It happened.

It hurt.

It affected me.

You do not have to defend the person who hurt you.

You do not have to rewrite history to make other people comfortable.

Healing requires honesty.

And sometimes that honesty needs to happen with a qualified mental health professional rather than alone.

2. Stop Making the Wound Your Identity

Notice the enormous difference between these statements:

“I experienced abuse.”

and

“I am damaged.”

Or:

“Someone betrayed me.”

and

“I am unlovable.”

An event is not an identity.

Trauma can influence identity development, and researchers continue to study the relationship between trauma exposure and identity. What happened may always be part of your story.

It does not have to become your entire definition.

You are more than the worst thing someone ever did to you.

3. Identify What You Still Control

Take a sheet of paper and make two columns.

I Cannot Control

  • What happened yesterday
  • What another person thinks
  • Whether someone admits wrongdoing
  • Whether someone apologizes
  • Whether everyone understands my story
  • Another person’s choices

I Can Influence or Control

  • What I do today
  • Whether I ask for help
  • My boundaries
  • Many of my daily choices
  • Whose advice I seek
  • Whether I participate in treatment
  • How I respond when old patterns appear
  • What kind of person I am trying to become

Spend less energy fighting the first list.

Invest more energy in the second.

That is where your power lives.

4. Recognize Avoidance

Avoidance can feel like safety.

Sometimes it is appropriate to avoid genuine danger. But avoiding every thought, emotion, place, relationship, or reminder associated with what happened is different.

The VA National Center for PTSD notes that emotional and behavioral avoidance can interfere with recovery and that effective PTSD treatments can help people learn to cope with trauma-related thoughts and feelings. The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs has similarly developed recovery materials specifically focused on identifying problematic avoidance behaviors and gradually changing behaviors that keep people stuck in trauma recovery. Courage does not mean never being afraid.

Sometimes courage is simply deciding:

“Fear is present, but fear is no longer making every decision.”

5. Build Boundaries Instead of Walls

Trauma may teach:

Never trust anybody again.

Healing teaches something more sophisticated:

Learn who has earned your trust.

A wall keeps everyone outside.

A boundary has a gate.

A survivor learns when to open it, when to close it, and who receives a key.

6. Allow Yourself to Receive Help

Being a survivor does not mean doing everything alone.

Actually, refusing every form of help can sometimes keep people isolated.

SAMHSA emphasizes safety, peer support, trust, collaboration, and empowerment as important elements within trauma-informed approaches. Help may include professional counseling, trusted friends and family, support groups, medical care, community resources, or spiritual support according to your beliefs and circumstances.

Strength isn’t proving that you need nobody.

Sometimes strength is finally admitting:

“I don’t have to carry all of this by myself.”

7. Give Yourself Permission to Have a Future

Trauma keeps pulling the mind backward.

Healing gradually teaches it to look forward again.

Make plans.

Set a goal.

Learn something.

Build something.

Reconnect carefully.

Create new routines.

Find something meaningful enough that tomorrow becomes more than another day spent thinking about yesterday.

This does not dishonor what happened.

It demonstrates that what happened did not win.

Forgiveness Is Not the Price of Admission

People are sometimes told that they cannot heal unless they forgive the person who hurt them.

I would be careful with that message.

Forgiveness may be deeply meaningful for some people, especially within their spiritual beliefs. But forgiveness should not be confused with denying harm, restoring an unsafe relationship, abandoning boundaries, or removing accountability.

You can heal while still saying:

“What you did was wrong.”

You can move forward without pretending it never happened.

You can have compassion and boundaries at the same time.

Survival Is Not Becoming Who You Were Before

Perhaps this is where we sometimes misunderstand recovery.

After something profound happens, you may never become exactly the person you were before.

That doesn’t automatically mean something has been lost forever.

Perhaps the goal isn’t to go backward.

Perhaps it is to move forward.

Wiser.

More discerning.

More compassionate.

Better acquainted with your boundaries.

More aware of your strength.

More intentional about the life you build.

Resilience research has increasingly examined not merely whether people endure trauma, but how resilience may be fostered following it. The goal isn’t to become untouched.

It is to become unowned by what touched you.

The Day You Become a Survivor

There may never be a ceremony.

Nobody hands you a certificate.

You probably won’t wake up one morning completely free from every painful memory.

Instead, the transformation may happen quietly.

One day you realize you haven’t thought about it for several hours.

Then perhaps an entire day.

You recognize a trigger and choose a different response.

You establish a boundary you once believed you couldn’t establish.

You stop explaining yourself to somebody committed to misunderstanding you.

You ask for help.

You laugh again without feeling guilty.

You make plans.

You love again.

You hope again.

And somewhere along the way, your vocabulary changes.

You stop saying:

“This is who I am because of what they did.”

And begin saying:

“This is who I am becoming despite what happened.”

That is the difference.

The victim’s story is centered around what was done.

The survivor’s story acknowledges what was done but slowly turns toward what comes next.

Conclusion: Take Back the Pen

You cannot erase pages that have already been written.

Some pages may contain things you wish had never happened.

Some contain loss.

Others contain betrayal, fear, grief, humiliation, abandonment, or pain.

There is no wisdom in pretending those pages aren’t there.

Read them when you need to.

Grieve them.

Talk about them.

Learn from them.

Get professional help working through them when necessary.

But eventually, remember something extraordinarily important:

There are blank pages after them.

And those pages still belong to you.

Being a survivor does not mean saying, “It didn’t hurt me.”

It means being able to say:

“It hurt me. It changed me. There were days when I didn’t know whether I could carry it anymore. But I am still here, and what happened to me will not be given the authority to decide everything that happens next.”

You didn’t choose every chapter.

But you can still take back the pen.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has included years of work with individuals and families experiencing mental health concerns, trauma, behavioral challenges, relationship difficulties, developmental disabilities, and complicated life transitions.

He earned his bachelor’s degree and became a Certified Social Worker in 2004 before continuing his education and professional development in clinical social work. He became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in 2010 and later earned the credential of Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor.

As Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, Collier works in behavioral health leadership, clinical services, organizational development, community-based behavioral supports, and advocacy for individuals and families throughout southeastern Kentucky.

He is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he writes about mental health, relationships, masculinity, family, morality, personal responsibility, faith, emotional growth, and the difficult process of becoming a better version of ourselves. His writing often draws from the intersection of clinical experience, human behavior, personal reflection, and the belief that people should never be reduced to the worst moment of their lives.

References

American Psychological Association. (2024). Individual, collective, and intergenerational trauma recovery: Considering the restorative roles of restitution and reparations.

American Psychological Association. Nugent, N. R., Sumner, J. A., & Amstadter, A. B. (2014). Resilience after trauma: From surviving to thriving. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 5.

PubMed Central. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2026). Trauma and violence: What is trauma and its effects? SAMHSA.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2023). Practical guide for implementing a trauma-informed approach. SAMHSA.

Truskauskaite-Kuneviciene, I., Brailovskaia, J., Kamite, Y., Petrauskaite, G., Margraf, J., & Kazlauskas, E. (2020). Does trauma shape identity? Exploring the links between lifetime trauma exposure and identity status in emerging adulthood. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 570644.

PubMed Central. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. (2026). Avoidance. National Center for PTSD. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, South Central MIRECC. (2022). An active approach to recovering from trauma: Breaking the cycle of safety aids and avoidance. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.

When Love Becomes Too Much: Understanding Euripides’ Warning About Excessive Love

“When love is in excess it brings a man no honor or worthiness.”
— Euripides

Love is often described as the greatest of all human experiences. Songs celebrate it. Poems worship it. Movies portray it as something worth sacrificing everything for. Yet more than 2,400 years ago, the Greek playwright Euripides offered a caution that remains surprisingly relevant today:

“When love is in excess it brings a man no honor or worthiness.”

At first glance, this statement may seem cynical. How can there be too much love? Isn’t love supposed to be limitless?

The wisdom of Euripides is not that love itself is dangerous. Rather, he reminds us that anything taken to excess can become destructive, even something as noble as love. Like fire, love can warm and illuminate, but when unchecked, it can consume everything in its path.

The Difference Between Love and Excessive Love

Healthy love enriches life. It encourages growth, respect, trust, and mutual understanding. Healthy love allows individuals to remain whole people while sharing their lives with another.

Excessive love, however, often shifts from affection to attachment, from devotion to dependence.

Psychologist John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory suggests that humans are biologically wired to form deep emotional bonds, but insecure attachment styles can lead individuals to become overly dependent upon those relationships for their sense of safety and identity (Bowlby, 1988).

When love becomes excessive, it may begin to look like:

  • Constant fear of abandonment
  • Obsessive thinking about another person
  • Needing continuous reassurance
  • Neglecting personal goals and responsibilities
  • Losing one’s identity within a relationship
  • Accepting unhealthy or abusive behavior to avoid loss

At that point, a person is no longer merely loving another person. They are relying on the relationship to provide emotional stability, self-worth, or meaning that must ultimately come from within.

Why Excessive Love Can Cost Us Honor

Euripides specifically mentions “honor” and “worthiness.”

The Greeks considered honor more than reputation. Honor represented integrity, dignity, character, and self-respect.

When excessive love causes someone to compromise their values, they begin sacrificing pieces of themselves.

Consider the individual who:

  • Lies to keep a relationship intact
  • Accepts repeated betrayal
  • Forfeits personal dreams
  • Abandons friendships and family
  • Ignores personal boundaries
  • Allows their self-respect to erode

In these moments, love is no longer elevating the person. It is diminishing them.

Healthy love should add to a person’s character, not require its surrender.

As author and psychiatrist M. Scott Peck noted, genuine love involves extending oneself for another’s growth while still maintaining personal responsibility and psychological integrity (Peck, 1978).

The Fine Line Between Passion and Obsession

Modern culture often romanticizes obsession.

We hear phrases such as:

  • “I can’t live without you.”
  • “You are my everything.”
  • “You complete me.”

These expressions are frequently portrayed as profound declarations of love. Yet psychologically, they may reveal emotional dependence rather than emotional health.

Research on romantic obsession indicates that intense fixation can activate some of the same neurological pathways associated with addiction, producing cravings, intrusive thoughts, and emotional highs and lows (Fisher, Aron, & Brown, 2005).

While intense attraction is common during the early stages of love, long-term healthy relationships are built on much more than emotional intensity.

They require:

  • Commitment
  • Respect
  • Boundaries
  • Communication
  • Trust
  • Individual growth

Passion can ignite a relationship. Character sustains it.

Loving Without Losing Yourself

One of the greatest challenges in any relationship is learning to love deeply without losing yourself completely.

This means maintaining:

Your Identity

You are still an individual apart from the relationship.

Your Purpose

Your life should continue to have meaning beyond another person.

Your Values

Love should never require abandoning your principles.

Your Boundaries

Healthy love respects limits and individuality.

Individuals who cultivate strong self-awareness tend to experience more stable and satisfying relationships because their sense of worth does not depend entirely upon external validation (Neff, 2011).

Paradoxically, people often love more effectively when they are not desperately dependent upon being loved in return.

What Excessive Love Often Reveals

Many people assume excessive love reflects the depth of their affection.

Sometimes it reveals something else.

Sometimes it reveals:

  • Fear of loneliness
  • Fear of rejection
  • Childhood attachment wounds
  • Low self-esteem
  • Unresolved trauma
  • Anxiety about abandonment

The relationship becomes not simply a relationship but a solution to emotional pain.

The problem is that no partner, no matter how loving, can permanently heal wounds that require personal growth and self-understanding.

Relationships can support healing, but they cannot replace it.

The Wisdom of Balance

Ancient Greek philosophy consistently emphasized moderation. Aristotle later called this concept the “Golden Mean,” the balance between excess and deficiency.

Love is no exception.

Too little love produces isolation and indifference.

Too much attachment produces obsession and loss of self.

Between these extremes lies mature love:

  • Deep but not consuming
  • Passionate but not obsessive
  • Committed but not controlling
  • Intimate but not dependent

This balanced form of love allows both individuals to flourish.

It recognizes that genuine love is not ownership.

It is partnership.

Why Euripides Still Matters Today

In an era of social media, instant communication, and perpetual connection, Euripides’ warning may be more relevant than ever.

Many people confuse intensity with intimacy and obsession with devotion.

Yet the strongest relationships are rarely the loudest or most dramatic.

They are built upon mutual respect, healthy boundaries, emotional maturity, and individual wholeness.

True love does not require us to surrender our dignity.

It invites us to strengthen it.

When we retain our honor, values, and sense of self, love becomes a force that elevates both people. When we lose ourselves in pursuit of another, love ceases to be a source of worthiness and instead becomes the very thing that undermines it.

Perhaps that is what Euripides understood centuries ago:

Love is one of life’s greatest gifts.

But even the greatest gifts lose their beauty when taken to excess.

“Healthy love asks us to share ourselves with another. Excessive love asks us to surrender ourselves entirely.”

Callout Box: Questions for Reflection

Ask Yourself:

  • Am I loving this person, or am I depending on them?
  • Have I sacrificed important parts of myself to maintain this relationship?
  • Would I still know who I am if this relationship ended?
  • Does this relationship encourage growth or fear?
  • Am I acting from love or from anxiety?

The answers may reveal whether your love is healthy devotion or unhealthy excess.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. He is the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board and writes extensively on relationships, emotional wellness, personal growth, grief, communication, and behavioral health. Through both clinical practice and writing, he seeks to help individuals better understand themselves, their relationships, and the emotional experiences that shape their lives.

References

Aristotle. (2009). Nicomachean Ethics (W. D. Ross, Trans.). Oxford University Press. (Original work published c. 350 BCE).

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

Fisher, H., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2005). Romantic love: An fMRI study of a neural mechanism for mate choice. The Journal of Comparative Neurology, 493(1), 58-62.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

Peck, M. S. (1978). The Road Less Traveled. Simon & Schuster.

The Mercy of Open Hands: Book 3 of 5 in the Expressions Behind His Silence series released.

From author and licensed clinical social worker John S. Collier comes a powerful new series of books exploring love, loss, faith, emotional healing, and personal growth. With honesty shaped by both professional experience and a life marked by hardship, perseverance, and grace, Collier invites readers to examine the hidden places of the heart. Each book blends practical wisdom with vivid metaphor, offering encouragement to those learning to release the past, rebuild their identity, establish healthier relationships, and trust God through uncertain seasons. This is more than a collection of books—it is a journey from merely surviving life’s storms to discovering the strength, purpose, and peace needed to live fully again.

https://a.co/d/0gTmck1t

Expressions from Behind His Silence: Valume 3: Thwe Mercy of Open Hands

Some endings do not arrive with anger. They arrive with open hands.

The Mercy of Open Hands, Volume Three of the Expressions from Behind His Silence series, follows a man through heartbreak, acceptance, forgiveness, and the difficult grace of release.

Through intimate, reflective poetry, John S. Collier explores what it means to love someone without possessing them, to carry grief without becoming bitter, and to let go without denying that the love was real.

These poems speak to the moment when holding on begins to wound more than losing—and to the quiet courage required to choose peace.

This collection is for anyone learning that surrender is not weakness, forgiveness does not erase the past, and sometimes the most loving thing the heart can do is open its hands.

When All You Remember Are the Bad Things in a Relationship

Why Painful Memories Can Become Stronger Than the Good Ones

Have you ever looked back at a relationship and wondered why you can only remember the bad things? Maybe you were married for many years. Maybe you dated someone for a long time. Maybe the relationship ended recently, or maybe it ended years ago. You know there had to be some good times.

There were probably times when you laughed together. You may have taken trips, celebrated birthdays, watched movies, eaten dinner together, or stayed up late talking. There may have been hugs, kisses, jokes, holidays, and ordinary days when everything seemed okay. But now, when you think about the relationship, those memories seem far away. Instead, you remember the fights.

  • You remember the hurtful words.
  • You remember feeling ignored.
  • You remember the lies.
  • You remember being disappointed.
  • You remember the times you cried.
  • You remember feeling alone, even when the other person was sitting beside you.

And you may wonder: Why can I remember everything that hurt me, but hardly remember anything good? There are several possible reasons. It does not always mean that every part of the relationship was bad. It may mean that the painful parts had a stronger effect on you. Understanding why this happens can help you understand your feelings, your memories, and yourself.

Your Memory Is Not a Video Camera

We sometimes think our memory works like a video camera. We believe our brain records everything that happens and stores it exactly the way it happened. But memory does not work that way. Our brains choose what information to notice, store, and remember. Feelings can affect this process. Stress, sadness, fear, anger, and other strong emotions can also change what we remember.

Research has shown that emotional problems can affect the way people remember events from their own lives (Williams et al., 2007). This is important when thinking about an old relationship. Imagine that you were with someone for ten years. During those ten years, you probably shared thousands of normal moments.

  • You ate meals together.
  • You watched television.
  • You drove places.
  • You went shopping.
  • You talked about work.
  • You went to bed.
  • You woke up the next morning.

Most of these normal moments may not become strong memories. But imagine that during those ten years, your partner said something very cruel during an argument. That conversation may have lasted only five minutes. Yet you might remember those five minutes for the next twenty years.

Why?

Because those five minutes hurt. The brain may give more attention to something that feels important, dangerous, painful, or emotional. So a painful memory can become stronger than hundreds of normal memories.

Our Brains Pay Attention to Danger

The human brain is designed to notice danger. This helped human beings survive for thousands of years. Imagine a person walking through the woods long ago. They see beautiful flowers beside the trail. Later, they see a dangerous animal near the same trail. Which memory is more important for survival? The dangerous animal. Remembering the flowers would be nice. Remembering the danger could save their life. We are no longer living the same way our early ancestors did, but our brains still pay attention to things that feel dangerous.

In relationships, danger is not always physical. Sometimes it is emotional.

  • Being rejected can hurt.
  • Being cheated on can hurt.
  • Being lied to can hurt.
  • Being screamed at can hurt.
  • Being made fun of can hurt.
  • Feeling unwanted can hurt.
  • Being ignored by someone you love can hurt.

If these things happen often, your brain may begin paying close attention to them. Your mind may be trying to protect you. It may be saying: “Remember this so it does not happen again.”

Bad Memories Can Feel Bigger Than Good Memories

Suppose you and your partner had a wonderful vacation. You laughed. You ate good food. You walked on the beach. You took pictures. You had fun. Years later, you may remember that it was a nice vacation, but many of the small details may disappear. Now imagine that on the last night of the vacation, you had a terrible argument. Your partner said something that broke your heart. Years later, you may have trouble remembering what you ate or where you went during the vacation. But you remember exactly where you were standing when those painful words were spoken.

You may even remember the person’s face. You may remember the room. You may remember what you were wearing. You may remember how your stomach felt. That does not mean the entire vacation was terrible. It means the painful moment had a strong emotional effect on you. Research shows that emotions can affect what we pay attention to and what we later remember (Williams et al., 2007).

Your Feelings Today Can Affect What You Remember

How you feel today can sometimes affect what you remember about yesterday. For example, when you are angry with someone, it may be easier to remember other times that person made you angry. One memory can lead to another. You remember one lie. Then another. Then another. You remember one argument. Then you remember another argument from three years earlier. Soon your mind has created a long list of everything that person ever did wrong.

The positive memories may still exist. They may simply be harder to reach at that moment. Depression can also affect the way people remember their lives. Researchers have found a connection between depression and problems remembering clear, specific personal experiences (Sumner et al., 2010; Williams et al., 2007).

This does not mean painful memories are fake. It means our current emotions can affect which memories are easiest to find.

Thinking About the Same Hurt Over and Over Makes It Stronger

Sometimes we do something called rumination. Rumination means thinking about the same upsetting situation again and again. You might think:

  • “Why did she do that?”
  • “Why did he say that?”
  • “Why didn’t I leave?”
  • “Why didn’t I notice what was happening?”
  • “Was I not good enough?”
  • “Did this person ever really love me?”
  • “What should I have said?”
  • “What would have happened if I had done something differently?”

Thinking about these questions once may help us understand what happened. Thinking about them hundreds of times may keep us stuck. Research has connected rumination with certain problems in autobiographical memory, which means memory about our own lives (Sumner, 2012).

Think about it this way. A happy event may have happened once. But you may have replayed a painful event in your mind 500 times. Each time you replay it, you give it more attention. That can make the memory easier to find.

Some Memories Stay Because There Was Never Closure

Painful memories can also remain strong when something never felt finished.

Imagine that your partner hurt you.

You told them how you felt.

  • They listened.
  • They apologized.
  • They took responsibility.
  • They changed their behavior.

Over time, you began trusting them again. Now imagine something different. You may still remember what happened, but the memory now has an ending. Your partner hurt you. You tried talking about it. They denied it. They blamed you. They refused to talk about it. Nothing changed. Then the relationship ended. You may still be asking:

  • “Why did this happen?”
  • “Why didn’t they care?”
  • “Did they understand how much they hurt me?”
  • “Why wasn’t I enough?”
  • “Was the relationship ever real?”

Your brain may keep returning to the memory because you never received an answer. But there is an important lesson here:

Sometimes closure does not come from the other person.

Sometimes you have to create your own closure.

You may never understand why someone treated you a certain way. Healing may begin when you realize you do not need every answer before you can move forward.

A Bad Ending Can Change How You Remember the Beginning

The way a relationship ends can change the way you remember the whole relationship. This can happen after cheating or another serious betrayal. Imagine discovering that your partner had been lying to you. Suddenly, you begin thinking about old memories differently. You look at an old vacation picture and wonder:

  • “Was this person lying to me then?”
  • You remember a business trip and wonder:
  • “Was that really a business trip?”
  • You remember hearing, “I love you,” and wonder:
  • “Did they really mean it?”

The memory itself has not changed. What changed is what you now know. New information can change the meaning of old memories. That can make even happy memories painful.

Sometimes Anger Is Easier Than Sadness

This can be difficult to admit. Sometimes being angry at someone feels easier than missing them. Anger can make us feel strong. Grief can make us feel weak and exposed. It may feel easier to say: “She was terrible to me.” than: “I loved her, and losing her broke my heart.”

It may feel easier to say: “He never cared about me.” than: “There were wonderful parts of our relationship, and I miss those parts.”

Both feelings can exist. You can love someone and be angry with them. You can miss someone and know you should not be together. You can forgive someone and still choose not to have them in your life. You can remember beautiful moments while also remembering terrible ones. You can admit: “I loved this person.” And also say: “This relationship was not healthy for me.” Both statements can be true.

Remembering Mostly Bad Things Does Not Automatically Mean You Have Trauma

People sometimes use the word trauma for every painful experience. Trauma is more complicated than that. A painful relationship can have a deep emotional effect without automatically causing post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. Research has found that traumatic experiences, depression, avoidance, rumination, and memory can be connected in complicated ways (Moore & Zoellner, 2007; Sumner, 2012).

Simply remembering bad things about an old relationship does not mean you have PTSD. However, professional help may be useful if memories are causing serious problems in your daily life. For example, you may want to talk with a qualified mental health professional if memories cause strong fear, nightmares, panic, major sleep problems, constant avoidance, or serious problems in current relationships.

Depression Can Make Good Memories Harder to Find

Depression can affect more than how we feel today. It can affect how we look at yesterday. Research has found that people experiencing depression may have difficulty remembering clear and specific events from their lives (Sumner et al., 2010; Williams et al., 2007). Someone might say: “My whole marriage was terrible.” Maybe that is true. But another possibility should also be considered. Perhaps the marriage contained both good and bad experiences, but the painful memories are easier to reach right now.This is why it can help to slow down before making statements such as:

  • “Nothing was ever good.”
  • “They never loved me.”
  • “I wasted every year.”
  • “Every memory was terrible.”

Those feelings deserve to be taken seriously. But feelings and memories should also be explored carefully.

Your Mind May Be Trying to Protect You

Sometimes your mind keeps painful memories close because it wants to protect you. Imagine touching a hot stove. The pain teaches you something: Do not touch that again. Emotional pain can sometimes work in a similar way. Your brain remembers betrayal because it does not want you to be betrayed again. It remembers rejection because it wants you to notice warning signs. It remembers being controlled because it wants you to protect your freedom. It remembers being ignored because it wants you to choose someone who listens. The memory may be trying to teach you something. But there is a difference between learning from pain and living inside pain. A lesson can protect your future. Constantly replaying the hurt can steal your present.

Be Careful About Turning the Whole Relationship Into One Story

After a painful breakup or divorce, people sometimes create one simple story about the relationship.

  • “I wasted ten years.”
  • “She never loved me.”
  • “He never cared.”
  • “Everything was fake.”
  • “I was miserable every day.”

Sometimes those statements may describe someone’s true experience. But sometimes they are attempts to make a complicated relationship easier to understand. Relationships are often more complicated than “good” or “bad.” A person may have loved you and still hurt you. A person may have had good qualities and still been unhealthy for you. You may have made wonderful memories together and still needed to leave. You may have made mistakes too. Recognizing those things does not excuse harmful behavior. It simply allows you to tell yourself a more complete story.

You Do Not Have to Hate Someone to Move On

This is one of the hardest lessons after a relationship ends: You do not have to turn someone into a terrible person before you are allowed to let them go. Maybe your former partner had good qualities. Maybe they loved you in the best way they knew how. Maybe you loved them. Maybe you shared wonderful years. And maybe the relationship still needed to end. Those ideas can exist together.

  • You can say: “There were good times.” And: “There were painful times.”
  • You can say: “I loved this person.” And: “I do not want the relationship back.”
  • You can say: “I forgive what happened.” And: “I will not allow it to happen again.”
  • You can say: “I miss parts of what we had.” And: “I am happier moving forward.”

Healing does not require hating someone. Sometimes healing means seeing the whole person and the whole relationship clearly.

A Simple Exercise: Tell the Whole Story

If you can only remember the bad things, try writing down the story of your relationship.

Do not decide whether it was good or bad.

Just tell the truth.

The Beginning

Ask yourself:

  • How did we meet?
  • What did I like about this person?
  • What made me happy?
  • Why did I choose this relationship?
  • What dreams did we have?
  • What are some good memories from that time?

The Middle

Ask yourself:

  • When did things begin changing?
  • What problems appeared?
  • What was still good?
  • What became difficult?
  • What did I need that I was not getting?
  • What did my partner need?
  • What mistakes did I make?
  • What mistakes did my partner make?
  • Did we try to fix the problems?

The Ending

Ask yourself:

  • When did I realize the relationship might not survive?
  • What happened?
  • What hurt me the most?
  • What did I try to change?
  • What did the other person try to change?
  • What finally caused the relationship to end?

What Do I Miss?

Be truthful. Maybe you miss their laugh. Maybe you miss Sunday mornings. Maybe you miss traveling together. Maybe you miss having someone beside you. Missing something does not mean you should go back. It simply means something mattered to you.

What Am I Glad Is Over?

Write this down too. Maybe you no longer have to worry about arguments. Maybe you no longer feel controlled. Maybe you no longer wonder whether someone is lying. Maybe your home feels peaceful again. Recognize that freedom.

What Did I Learn?

This may be the most important question. What did the relationship teach you about love? What did it teach you about communication? What did it teach you about trust? What did it teach you about boundaries? What did it teach you about yourself? What will you do differently in your next relationship?

Ask What the Memory Is Really About

When the same painful memory keeps coming back, ask yourself: “What does this memory mean to me?”

Maybe the memory is really about rejection. Maybe it is about feeling unwanted. Maybe it is about embarrassment. Maybe it is about being abandoned. Maybe it is about feeling like you were not good enough. Maybe it is about losing trust. Sometimes the event is over, but the message you took from the event is still hurting you.

For example, your partner may have left you. That is what happened. But you may have told yourself: “They left because I am not worth loving.” That is an interpretation. Those are not the same thing. Someone leaving you does not prove that you are unlovable. Someone cheating does not prove that you were not good enough. Someone rejecting you does not decide your value. Understanding the difference between what happened and what you decided it meant about you can be an important part of healing.

Remembering the Good Does Not Mean You Want the Relationship Back

People sometimes become afraid of good memories. They think: “If I remember the good times, maybe I will want them back.” Not necessarily. Remembering is not returning. Forgiving is not forgetting. Understanding is not excusing. You can remember a wonderful Christmas together without wanting another Christmas together.

You can remember laughing on vacation without forgetting the pain that came later. You can remember being in love without believing the relationship should have lasted forever. The memory belongs to you. You do not have to destroy every good memory just because the relationship ended badly.

The Goal Is Not to Forget the Bad

Healing does not mean pretending bad things never happened. It also does not mean forcing yourself to think positively. The goal is to remember the whole story. You might eventually be able to say: “We had good times.” “We had bad times.” “I loved this person.”

  • “This person hurt me.”
  • “I hurt them sometimes too.”
  • “I made mistakes.”
  • “I learned.”
  • “I changed.”
  • “I survived the ending.”
  • “And I kept moving forward.”

That is a much stronger story than simply saying:

“Everything was terrible.”

Final Thoughts

If all you can remember about a relationship is the negative things, do not immediately assume something is wrong with you. Your memories may be showing you where you were hurt. They may be showing you what still needs attention. They may be reminding you of something you never understood. They may be connected to anger, sadness, grief, depression, rumination, or unresolved questions. Or your memories may simply be telling you that certain experiences affected you much more deeply than you realized at the time.

Do not force yourself to remember good things. Instead, become curious about the memories that remain.

Ask:

  • Why does this memory still hurt?
  • What did I lose?
  • What did I learn?
  • What am I still angry about?
  • What do I still wish had happened differently?
  • What am I afraid will happen in another relationship?
  • What do I need to forgive myself for?

And finally:

What do I want to carry forward, and what am I ready to leave behind?

Healing does not mean erasing your past. It means reaching a place where your past no longer controls your present. You can remember the hurt without living in it. You can remember the love without returning to it. You can remember the mistakes without allowing them to define you. And one day, instead of thinking only about everything that went wrong, you may be able to look back and say: “Some of it was beautiful. Some of it was painful. All of it taught me something. But it is no longer where I live.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with professional experience in behavioral health, counseling, mental health services, and helping individuals and families work through difficult life experiences.

His work focuses on helping people better understand the connection between thoughts, emotions, behaviors, relationships, and personal experiences. He has a particular interest in presenting mental health information in a way that ordinary people can understand and use in their daily lives.

Rather than treating emotional struggles as complicated ideas that can only be understood by professionals, John believes people can benefit from learning why they think, feel, and behave the way they do. Understanding does not remove every painful experience, but it can give people tools for responding to those experiences in healthier ways.

His writing often explores relationships, depression, anxiety, trauma, grief, personal growth, family relationships, communication, emotional healing, faith, and the challenges people face during major life changes.

John’s approach emphasizes an important idea: a person’s past can help explain where they are today without having to determine where they will be tomorrow.

Through education, reflection, and practical mental health tools, his goal is to help readers better understand themselves, recognize unhealthy patterns, build stronger relationships, develop healthy boundaries, and move toward greater emotional well-being.

References

Moore, S. A., & Zoellner, L. A. (2007). Overgeneral autobiographical memory and traumatic events: An evaluative review. Psychological Bulletin, 133(3), 419–437. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.133.3.419

Sumner, J. A. (2012). The mechanisms underlying overgeneral autobiographical memory: An evaluative review of evidence for the CaR-FA-X model. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(1), 34–48. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2011.10.003

Sumner, J. A., Griffith, J. W., & Mineka, S. (2010). Overgeneral autobiographical memory as a predictor of the course of depression: A meta-analysis. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(7), 614–625. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2010.03.013

Williams, J. M. G., Barnhofer, T., Crane, C., Hermans, D., Raes, F., Watkins, E., & Dalgleish, T. (2007). Autobiographical memory specificity and emotional disorder. Psychological Bulletin, 133(1), 122–148. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.133.1.122

Educational Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes and is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental health condition. People experiencing significant emotional distress or difficulty functioning should consider speaking with a qualified mental health professional.