There are few responsibilities in life more important than raising a child. Parents are entrusted with more than providing food, shelter, and safety. They are shaping hearts, building confidence, and helping young people discover who they are. The words we speak, the standards we set, and the way we respond to mistakes all leave lasting impressions.
Many parents begin with good intentions. They want their children to succeed, make good decisions, and develop strong character. Yet sometimes, in the pursuit of these goals, parents unintentionally wound the very people they are trying to help. Constant criticism, unreasonable expectations, harsh discipline, and emotional distance can discourage a child and leave lasting scars.
Children need guidance, but they also need grace. They need correction, but they also need compassion. They need structure, but they also need understanding.
When Correction Becomes Discouragement
Every child will make mistakes. Learning, growing, and maturing all involve failure. A healthy parent understands that mistakes are opportunities for teaching rather than occasions for humiliation.
Unfortunately, some parents unknowingly create an environment where children feel they can never measure up. Nothing is good enough. Every success is overshadowed by a failure. Every effort is met with criticism. Instead of feeling encouraged to grow, children begin to feel defeated.
When children repeatedly hear messages such as:
“Why can’t you do anything right?”
“Your brother never has this problem.”
“If you would just try harder.”
“You’re always messing things up.”
They may begin to believe these statements about themselves.
Discouragement does not always come from yelling. Sometimes it comes from unrealistic expectations. A child who constantly feels like they are failing an impossible standard eventually stops trying. They lose confidence, motivation, and hope.
Children need to know they are loved even when they struggle.
Common Ways Parents Provoke Their Children
Most parents would never intentionally harm their children emotionally. Yet certain behaviors can slowly damage trust and self-esteem.
Being Unreasonable
Children need rules, but rules should be fair, understandable, and age-appropriate.
When expectations are impossible to meet, children become frustrated and discouraged. A parent who expects perfection sets their child up for failure.
Healthy discipline asks:
Is this reasonable?
Is this expectation appropriate for their age?
Am I teaching or simply demanding?
Rules should help children develop responsibility, not create constant fear of failure.
Showing Favoritism
Few things hurt a child more deeply than feeling less valued than a sibling.
Favoritism sends the message that love must be earned. Whether intentional or not, repeatedly praising one child while criticizing another creates resentment and insecurity.
Every child is unique. One may excel academically while another shines socially or creatively. Parents should celebrate each child’s strengths rather than comparing them to one another.
Comparison steals confidence.
Acceptance builds it.
Belittling and Mocking
Children are learning how to view themselves. Parents often become the mirror through which a child develops their identity.
When a parent mocks a child’s fears, appearance, efforts, or emotions, the child learns to doubt their worth.
Statements such as:
“That’s a stupid idea.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Stop crying.”
“You’ll never be good at that.”
may seem small in the moment, but they can echo for years.
A child’s feelings may not always be logical, but they are always real.
Listening with empathy teaches children that their emotions matter and that they can trust their parents with their struggles.
Over-Correcting Out of Frustration
Discipline should be about teaching, not venting.
Parents are human. Stress accumulates. Work becomes overwhelming. Financial pressures mount. Relationships strain under life’s demands.
However, children should never become the target of a parent’s frustration.
Correction motivated by anger often focuses on punishment rather than growth. The goal shifts from teaching a lesson to expressing irritation.
Before responding to a child’s mistake, it can be helpful to ask:
“Am I correcting my child, or am I releasing my frustration?”
The answer can make all the difference.
The Power of Active Listening
Children desperately want to feel heard.
Many conflicts between parents and children are not caused by disobedience alone. They stem from feeling misunderstood.
Active listening means giving children your attention without immediately judging, correcting, or dismissing their perspective.
Listening does not mean agreeing with everything they say. It means communicating that their thoughts and feelings matter.
When children feel heard, they become more open to guidance.
When they feel ignored, they often become defensive or withdrawn.
A child who trusts their parent will seek advice. A child who feels constantly criticized may hide their struggles.
Choosing Calm Communication
Words have extraordinary power.
A raised voice may gain temporary compliance, but calm communication builds lasting respect.
Children are always learning from what they see. Parents who respond with patience teach emotional regulation. Parents who communicate respectfully model healthy relationships.
When emotions run high, consider:
Taking a brief pause.
Lowering your voice instead of raising it.
Asking questions before making assumptions.
Focusing on the behavior rather than attacking character.
Instead of saying:
“You’re lazy.”
Try saying:
“I know you’re capable of more effort.”
One attacks identity.
The other encourages growth.
Balancing Discipline with Love
Discipline is necessary. Children need boundaries. They need guidance and accountability.
But effective discipline is rooted in love rather than control.
Healthy discipline:
Explains the reason behind rules.
Focuses on learning rather than shame.
Remains consistent and fair.
Gives children opportunities to improve.
Reinforces that mistakes do not diminish their worth.
Children should leave a correction feeling guided, not crushed.
They should understand that their behavior may need to change, but their value never does.
The Legacy Parents Leave
Long after childhood ends, many adults still hear the voices of their parents in their minds.
Some hear encouragement:
“I believe in you.”
“You can do hard things.”
“I’m proud of your effort.”
“You are loved.”
Others hear criticism, comparison, and disappointment.
Every parent leaves a legacy through their words.
Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are willing to learn, apologize when necessary, and lead with love.
The goal of parenting is not creating perfect children. The goal is helping children become healthy, confident, compassionate adults who know they are valued.
When correction is balanced with kindness, expectations are balanced with understanding, and discipline is balanced with love, children flourish.
And perhaps the greatest gift a parent can give is not a life free from mistakes, but a home where mistakes become opportunities for growth rather than reasons for shame.
Pull Quote
“Children should leave a correction feeling guided, not crushed. Their behavior may need to change, but their value never does.”
About the Author
John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Through his writing and clinical work, he explores relationships, emotional health, personal growth, resilience, and the challenges individuals and families face in everyday life. He is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he examines the connections between thoughts, emotions, behavior, and human flourishing.
One of the most challenging periods for many families occurs when a boy enters puberty. Parents often describe feeling as though their once cheerful, affectionate child has become easily frustrated, argumentative, explosive, or emotionally distant seemingly overnight. While anger is not an inevitable part of adolescence, increased irritability and emotional intensity are common during the transition from childhood to adolescence. Understanding why this happens can help parents respond effectively and preserve a healthy relationship with their son.
Understanding What Is Happening
Around age 11 to 13, boys experience significant biological, emotional, and social changes. Testosterone levels increase, physical changes begin to emerge, and the brain undergoes substantial restructuring. During this period, the emotional centers of the brain develop more rapidly than the areas responsible for judgment, impulse control, and emotional regulation (Steinberg, 2014; National Institute of Mental Health, 2023).
As a result, a 12-year-old boy may experience emotions much more intensely than he did as a child while simultaneously lacking the skills needed to manage those emotions effectively. What appears to be defiance or disrespect may actually be emotional overwhelm.
Puberty can also create feelings of confusion and insecurity. Boys may worry about their appearance, athletic abilities, academic performance, friendships, or fitting in socially. Many boys have difficulty expressing vulnerable emotions such as embarrassment, fear, disappointment, sadness, or anxiety. Instead, these emotions are often expressed through irritability or anger (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024).
Why Anger Often Becomes the “Go-To” Emotion
Anger is frequently referred to as a “secondary emotion.” This means it often covers more vulnerable feelings underneath.
For example:
A boy who feels embarrassed may become angry.
A boy who feels rejected may become angry.
A boy who feels anxious may become angry.
A boy who feels powerless may become angry.
Many boys grow up receiving social messages that it is acceptable to show anger but not acceptable to show sadness, fear, or emotional pain. Consequently, anger becomes the emotion they know how to display most readily (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).
When parents focus only on stopping the angry behavior without exploring the feelings underneath, opportunities for connection and growth may be missed.
Signs That Anger May Be Related to Puberty
Normal developmental anger may include:
Increased irritability
Mood swings
Arguing more frequently
Frustration with rules
Emotional overreactions
Needing more privacy
Greater sensitivity to criticism
However, parents should seek professional support if anger is accompanied by:
Physical aggression
Threats of harm to self or others
Property destruction
Significant changes in sleep or appetite
Persistent depression
School refusal
Substance use
Social withdrawal
Self-harming behaviors
These signs may indicate underlying mental health concerns requiring assessment and intervention (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2024).
What Parents Can Do to Help
1. Stay Calm During Emotional Storms
One of the most powerful tools a parent possesses is emotional regulation. When parents become angry in response to a child’s anger, the situation often escalates.
Instead of saying:
“Calm down right now!”
Try saying:
“I can see you’re really upset. Let’s talk when you’re ready.”
A calm response helps the adolescent nervous system begin to settle. Children often borrow emotional regulation from the adults around them before they develop it themselves (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).
2. Look Beyond the Behavior
When a child becomes angry, ask yourself:
What happened before this?
Is he hurt?
Is he embarrassed?
Is he feeling left out?
Is he worried about something?
Understanding the underlying emotion does not excuse inappropriate behavior, but it does help address the true problem.
3. Teach Emotional Vocabulary
Many boys simply lack the language to describe their emotional experiences.
Help them identify feelings such as:
Frustrated
Disappointed
Nervous
Embarrassed
Lonely
Left out
Overwhelmed
Research demonstrates that helping children name emotions improves emotional regulation and self-awareness (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).
4. Maintain Consistent Boundaries
Empathy and accountability should exist together.
Parents can communicate:
“It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to yell at people.”
Or:
“It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s not okay to punch a wall.”
Children need to know that emotions are always acceptable, but certain behaviors are not.
5. Prioritize Physical Activity
Physical activity has consistently been shown to reduce stress, improve mood regulation, and decrease emotional reactivity among adolescents (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2024).
Encourage activities such as:
Basketball
Football
Hiking
Martial arts
Strength training
Biking
Running
Many boys process stress more effectively through movement than through conversation alone.
6. Protect Sleep
Sleep deprivation can significantly worsen irritability, impulsivity, and emotional regulation difficulties.
The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends that children aged 6 to 12 receive 9 to 12 hours of sleep per night (Paruthi et al., 2016).
Parents can help by:
Limiting electronics before bed
Establishing consistent bedtime routines
Keeping devices out of bedrooms overnight
Maintaining regular sleep schedules
7. Keep Communication Open
Many parents become discouraged when their son gives one-word answers.
Don’t give up.
Instead of asking:
“How was school?”
Try:
“What was the best part of your day?”
Or:
“What was the most annoying thing that happened today?”
Questions that invite discussion often receive better responses.
8. Model Healthy Anger Management
Children learn more from what parents do than from what parents say.
Demonstrate healthy coping strategies:
Taking a walk
Deep breathing
Talking through problems
Taking a break before responding
Using respectful communication
Your child is constantly learning how to handle big emotions by watching you.
The Importance of Connection
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is assuming that angry behavior means their child no longer needs them. In reality, adolescence is a time of increased independence and increased need for parental support.
A 12-year-old boy may push a parent away verbally while desperately needing reassurance, structure, understanding, and connection.
The goal is not to eliminate anger. Anger is a normal human emotion. The goal is to help children develop the skills necessary to express anger safely, understand its causes, and respond constructively.
With patience, consistency, and support, most boys learn to navigate these difficult years successfully. Parents who remain calm, connected, and emotionally available provide one of the strongest protective factors against future behavioral and emotional difficulties.
Final Thoughts for Parents
If your son is struggling with anger during puberty, remember this: his behavior is communication. Behind the slammed door, the argumentative tone, or the emotional outburst is often a young person trying to make sense of a rapidly changing body, brain, and world.
Meet the emotion before correcting the behavior. Listen before lecturing. Stay connected even when it feels difficult.
The relationship you build during these years can become the foundation that guides your son safely into adulthood.
About the Author
John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. With extensive experience in behavioral health, trauma-informed care, child and adolescent mental health, family systems, and organizational leadership, Mr. Collier has dedicated his career to helping children, adolescents, adults, and families navigate life’s challenges while building healthier and more resilient communities.
Throughout his clinical career, Mr. Collier has worked with children and adolescents experiencing emotional and behavioral difficulties, including anxiety, depression, trauma-related disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), oppositional behaviors, anger management concerns, and family relationship challenges. His approach emphasizes understanding the underlying causes of behavior rather than focusing solely on symptoms, helping families develop practical strategies that strengthen communication, emotional regulation, and healthy relationships.
As a clinical supervisor, educator, and advocate for quality behavioral healthcare, Mr. Collier is committed to translating complex psychological and developmental concepts into practical guidance that parents and caregivers can readily understand and implement. His work reflects a belief that informed, supported, and empowered families play a critical role in promoting positive outcomes for children and adolescents.
In addition to his clinical practice and leadership responsibilities, Mr. Collier is the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he regularly writes about mental health, personal growth, resilience, grief, family relationships, child development, and behavioral health topics. His writing combines evidence-based research with real-world clinical experience to provide readers with meaningful insights and actionable strategies.
Through his work, Mr. Collier continues to advocate for compassionate, person-centered care while helping individuals and families build the skills necessary to thrive through life’s challenges and transitions.
“Every behavior tells a story. When we seek to understand the story behind the behavior, we create opportunities for healing, growth, and connection.” — John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S
References
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2024). Anger and children. Retrieved from https://www.aacap.org
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2024). HealthyChildren.org: Understanding puberty and adolescent development. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Physical activity guidelines for children and adolescents. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov
National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). The teen brain: Still under construction. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov
Paruthi, S., Brooks, L. J., D’Ambrosio, C., Hall, W. A., Kotagal, S., Lloyd, R. M., … Wise, M. S. (2016). Recommended amount of sleep for pediatric populations: A consensus statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785-786.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of opportunity: Lessons from the new science of adolescence. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
There comes a point in life when we should be able to look around and say, “I have enough.”
Enough clothes.
Enough things.
A good enough vehicle.
A comfortable enough home.
Enough possessions to live our lives without constantly chasing the next purchase.
That does not mean we stop working, dreaming, planning, or enjoying nice things. There is nothing inherently wrong with financial success or material comfort. The problem begins when we believe the next possession, promotion, house, vehicle, or dollar will somehow complete us.
Research has repeatedly found an important difference between pursuing material goals and pursuing goals involving personal growth, relationships, and contribution to others. Psychologist Tim Kasser describes materialistic values as those centered on wealth, possessions, image, and status. When these become a person’s highest priorities, they tend to conflict with goals involving relationships and personal or spiritual growth. (Annual Reviews)
There is, however, another kind of contentment that can become dangerous.
We can become too content with ourselves.
We can decide that because we have reached a certain age, earned a certain degree, achieved professional success, raised children, accumulated possessions, or survived difficult seasons of life, we no longer need to change.
That is where contentment becomes complacency.
We should learn to say:
“I have enough.”
But we should be very cautious about ever saying:
“I am good enough that I no longer need to grow.”
Contentment and Complacency Are Not the Same Thing
Contentment is gratitude.
Complacency is stagnation.
Contentment says, “I appreciate what I have.”
Complacency says, “I don’t need to become better.”
Those are very different statements.
You can appreciate your home without needing a larger one and still recognize that you need to become more patient.
You can be satisfied with your income while recognizing that you need to become more generous.
You can enjoy your accomplishments while realizing that you need to become more humble.
You can be grateful for your relationships while recognizing that you need to become a better listener.
You can appreciate who you are without pretending there is nothing left to change.
Research on human motivation supports the value of this distinction. Self-Determination Theory distinguishes extrinsic aspirations—such as money, fame, appearance, and recognition—from intrinsic aspirations such as personal growth, meaningful relationships, community involvement, and health. Intrinsic goals are more closely connected to basic psychological needs and well-being. (Self Determination Theory)
In studies by Kasser and Ryan, people who placed greater relative importance on intrinsic aspirations such as self-acceptance, relationships, and community reported better indicators of well-being than people whose priorities centered more heavily on financial success, appearance, and recognition. (Sage Journals)
Perhaps one of the healthiest things we can learn is this:
Stop trying to constantly upgrade everything you own and begin intentionally upgrading the person who owns it.
There Is Nothing Wrong With Having Nice Things
Material possessions themselves are not the enemy. Money can feed a family. A house can provide safety. A dependable vehicle can get us to work. Savings can provide security.
A successful business can employ people and support a community. Money can be given generously to someone in need. Material resources can accomplish tremendous good. The question is not simply what we possess. The deeper question is what possesses us.
Research does not suggest that merely owning things makes someone unhappy. Rather, concerns arise when wealth, image, possessions, and status become central measures of identity and success. Kasser’s review of the literature found that giving materialistic values relatively high priority is associated with lower personal well-being and poorer interpersonal outcomes. (Annual Reviews)
There is freedom in reaching the place where we can look at what someone else owns without suddenly becoming dissatisfied with what we have.
Their new vehicle does not make ours less dependable.
Their larger house does not make ours less of a home.
Their salary does not determine our worth.
Their success does not make us unsuccessful.
Someone else’s abundance does not automatically mean we are lacking.
That is contentment.
But Never Become Content With Your Character
There is a completely different standard when we turn our attention inward.
Our possessions can reach enough.
Our character should always remain under construction.
We should never reach a point where we decide:
I am patient enough.
I am compassionate enough.
I am disciplined enough.
I am forgiving enough.
I am wise enough.
I am humble enough.
I am honest enough.
I am loving enough.
I am spiritually mature enough.
There is always another lesson.There is always another rough edge that can be polished. There is always another weakness that can become stronger. There is always another opportunity to become better.
That does not mean living with constant self-criticism. Healthy personal development is not about waking every morning and deciding something is wrong with you. It is about recognizing that being a worthwhile human being today does not prevent you from becoming a better human being tomorrow.
Self-acceptance and self-improvement can exist at the same time.
The House May Be Finished, But You Are Not
Think about building a house.
Eventually the foundation is complete. The walls are finished. The roof is installed. The rooms are painted. Furniture is moved inside.
At some point, we can reasonably say:
“It is finished.”
Human character does not work that way.There is no final nail. There is no last coat of paint. There is no day when we should hang a sign on our hearts reading:
CONSTRUCTION COMPLETE.
Life keeps remodeling us.
Marriage reveals things about us.
Parenthood reveals things about us.
Divorce can reveal things about us.
Friendship reveals things about us.
Leadership reveals things about us.
Failure reveals things about us.
Success reveals things about us.
Grief reveals things about us.
Conflict reveals things about us.
Getting older reveals things about us.
Even the people who irritate us sometimes reveal something about us.
Every season gives us another opportunity to examine the structure.
Sometimes we discover a crack.
Sometimes we discover something that needs reinforcing.
Sometimes we discover something that needs torn out and rebuilt.
The wise person does not become ashamed because something needs work.
The wise person does the work.
Ask Hard Questions About Yourself
Growth requires self-examination.
It is easy to identify what everybody else needs to change.
It is much harder to ask:
What do I need to change?
Where am I difficult to live with?
Do I listen, or am I simply waiting for my opportunity to speak?
Can I accept correction without becoming defensive?
Do I apologize without adding an excuse?
Do I treat people differently depending upon what they can do for me?
Do I carry grudges?
Do I speak respectfully when I am angry?
Am I dependable?
Do the people closest to me experience the same person that strangers see?
Do I practice privately what I claim to value publicly?
Those questions can be uncomfortable.
They are supposed to be.
Growth usually begins somewhere beyond our comfort.
Character Is Wealth Too
We spend enormous amounts of energy building financial wealth while sometimes overlooking another form of wealth.
Patience is wealth.
Integrity is wealth.
Wisdom is wealth.
A peaceful conscience is wealth.
Self-control is wealth.
A trustworthy reputation is wealth.
A strong marriage is wealth.
Children who know they are loved are wealth.
Friendships built over decades are wealth.
The ability to admit you were wrong is wealth.
Forgiveness is wealth.
Compassion is wealth.
Faith is wealth.
A life that made someone else’s life better is wealth.
None of those appear on a bank statement.
Yet they may ultimately become the most valuable things we possess.
Research following young adults after college found something especially interesting: achieving intrinsic aspirations involving growth, relationships, community, and health was associated with better psychological health. Achieving extrinsic aspirations, however, did not produce the same benefit and was associated in that study with indicators of ill-being. (ScienceDirect)
In other words, getting what we want is not always the same thing as getting what we need.
Success Is Also a Character Test
We often think adversity tests character.
It does. But success tests character too. What happens when you have money? What happens when people know your name?What happens when you become the person making decisions?What happens when people begin calling you sir, ma’am, doctor, boss, director, president, or leader?What happens when you finally occupy the room you once dreamed of entering?
Do you remember the people who helped you get there?Do you still treat the person cleaning the room with the same dignity as the person leading the meeting?
Success can improve our circumstances without necessarily improving our character.That improvement remains our responsibility.The goal should be to climb higher without believing the climb makes us higher than other people.
Compare Yourself Differently
Materialism encourages horizontal comparison.
We look sideways.
What does he drive?
Where does she live?
How much do they earn?
Where did they vacation?
What are they wearing?
What position do they hold?
Growth asks us to make a different comparison.
Look backward.
Compare yourself with yourself.
Who were you five years ago?
Who were you last year?
Who were you yesterday?
Are you more patient?
Are you more forgiving?
Do you handle disappointment better?
Are you more dependable?
Are you less judgmental?
Can you admit when you are wrong?
Do you communicate better?
Do you love people better?
Have you learned anything from your failures?
Are you becoming wiser rather than merely older?
That is a much more meaningful measurement of success.
Never Become Too Old to Grow
One of the saddest sentences a person can say is:
“That’s just the way I am.”
Sometimes those words are presented as self-acceptance.
Often they are simply permission not to change.
Perhaps you have always had a temper.
Work on it.
Perhaps you have always struggled to communicate.
Learn.
Perhaps apologizing is difficult.
Practice.
Perhaps you interrupt people.
Listen.
Perhaps you hold grudges.
Learn forgiveness.
Perhaps you have spent years blaming everyone else.
Examine yourself.
Your past may explain something about your character.
It does not necessarily have to determine your future character.
As long as we are living, there is an opportunity to learn.
The Biblical Balance: Contentment and Growth
Scripture provides a remarkable balance between contentment and continued growth.
Paul wrote:
“But godliness with contentment is great gain.” — 1 Timothy 6:6
Biblical contentment is not a command to abandon growth. Paul himself rejected the idea that he had spiritually arrived. In Philippians 3:12–14, he explained that he had not already reached perfection but continued pressing forward toward what lay ahead.
That gives us two important biblical ideas that belong together:
Be content with what God has provided.
Keep growing into who God is calling you to become.
We can be grateful without becoming stagnant.
We can appreciate today without believing yesterday’s growth is sufficient for tomorrow.
Conclusion: Have Enough, But Keep Becoming
There may eventually come a time when you look around your home and realize you really do not need much more.
That is a blessing.
Enjoy it.
Sit on the porch.
Drink the coffee.
Drive the vehicle you already own.
Wear the clothes already hanging in your closet.
Enjoy the people sitting around your table.
Stop believing happiness is waiting inside the next box delivered to your front door.
Say:
“Thank You, God. I have enough.”
But when you look into the mirror, maintain enough humility to say something different.
“There is still work to do.”
Not because you are worthless.
Because you are unfinished.
Become kinder.
Become wiser.
Become more patient.
Become more disciplined.
Become more forgiving.
Become more dependable.
Become more compassionate.
Become more courageous.
Become more generous.
Become more humble.
Become more loving.
Become more like Christ.
One day, you may have enough possessions.
But you should never have enough character.
Be content with what is in your hands. Be grateful for what is under your roof. But never become complacent about what is being built within your heart.
Devotion: Lord, Keep Working on Me
Scripture
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on…” — Philippians 3:12
There is something deeply humbling about Paul’s words.
This was a man who had devoted his life to Christ, endured tremendous suffering for his faith, taught others, established churches, and wrote letters that would become part of the New Testament.
Yet Paul did not say:
“I have arrived.”
He said, in essence:
“I am still pressing forward.”
That should tell us something.
Christian maturity is not reaching a place where God no longer needs to work on us.
Christian maturity may actually be becoming increasingly willing to let Him work.
We can thank God for what He has already changed without pretending there is nothing left to change.
Perhaps God has helped you become more patient.
There may still be more patience to learn.
Perhaps you have learned forgiveness.
There may still be someone difficult to forgive.
Perhaps you have grown in wisdom.
There are still things you do not understand.
Perhaps your faith is stronger than it was ten years ago.
It can become stronger still.
We are simultaneously grateful for the work God has completed and available for the work He has not.
Reflection
Today, instead of asking God for another possession, another opportunity, another achievement, or another blessing, consider asking Him something different:
“Lord, what needs to change in me?”
That prayer requires courage.
The answer may involve pride.
It may involve anger.
It may involve forgiveness.
It may involve how we speak to someone.
It may involve admitting we were wrong.
It may involve becoming more generous.
It may involve surrendering something we desperately want.
But perhaps one of God’s greatest blessings is not always changing what is around us.
Sometimes His greatest work is changing what is within us.
Prayer
Heavenly Father,
Thank You for everything You have provided. Teach me to recognize when I have enough. Protect my heart from comparison, envy, greed, and the endless desire for more.
Help me enjoy the blessings already sitting around my table.
But Father, while teaching me contentment with material things, never allow me to become complacent about my character.
Show me where I need to grow.
Correct me when I am wrong.
Humble me when pride gets in the way.
Teach me patience when I become frustrated.
Teach me forgiveness when I have been hurt.
Teach me compassion when I am tempted to judge.
Teach me courage when doing what is right is difficult.
Teach me to listen more carefully, speak more wisely, love more deeply, and serve more willingly.
I do not ask You simply to give me more.
I ask You to make more of me.
Thank You for how far You have brought me.
And thank You that You are not finished with me yet.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
About the Author
John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S
John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S, is a licensed clinical social worker, behavioral health professional, author, and community leader whose career has centered on helping individuals and families navigate life’s difficult seasons. His writing draws from social work, human behavior, relationships, faith, personal reflection, and the lessons that can be discovered through both success and adversity.
Collier’s articles and poetry frequently explore personal responsibility, emotional wellness, relationships, faith, healing, resilience, leadership, and the continuing process of becoming a better person. Rather than presenting growth as the pursuit of perfection, his work emphasizes self-examination, accountability, grace, compassion, and the willingness to continue learning.
At the heart of his writing is a simple belief: our experiences may shape us, but we still have a responsibility to decide what kind of people those experiences will help us become.
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Niemiec, C. P., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2009). The path taken: Consequences of attaining intrinsic and extrinsic aspirations in post-college life. Journal of Research in Personality, 43(3), 291–306. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2008.09.001. (ScienceDirect)
Schmuck, P., Kasser, T., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Intrinsic and extrinsic goals: Their structure and relationship to well-being in German and U.S. college students. Social Indicators Research, 50, 225–241. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1007084005278. (DOI)
Self-Determination Theory. (n.d.). Goals, values and aspirations. Center for Self-Determination Theory. (Self Determination Theory)
The Holy Bible. 1 Timothy 6:6–8; Philippians 3:12–14; Romans 12:2; 2 Peter 1:5–8.
There is a statement that has been shared across social media that says, “Judas didn’t come from the crowd. He came from the table. Be careful who you call ‘family.’” The words are simple, but they carry a painful truth. Sometimes the people who hurt us the most are not strangers. They are the people we trusted enough to let into our lives. They may be family members, close friends, coworkers, church members, or people we once believed would always stand beside us.
The story of Judas Iscariot is one of the clearest biblical examples of betrayal by someone close. Judas was not simply a stranger who appeared during the final days of Jesus’ life. He was one of the twelve disciples. He traveled with Jesus, listened to His teachings, witnessed His ministry, and shared meals with Him. Yet Matthew tells us that Judas went to the chief priests and asked what they would give him if he handed Jesus over to them. They agreed on thirty pieces of silver, and Judas began looking for an opportunity to betray Him (Matthew 26:14–16).
That makes the statement about Judas coming from the table especially powerful. Betrayal usually hurts because there was trust before there was pain. A stranger can insult us, reject us, or dislike us, but betrayal is different. To betray someone, there usually must first be some form of relationship. The person has been allowed close enough to know something about us. That is why betrayal by a spouse, relative, friend, or trusted companion can hurt much more deeply than criticism from someone we barely know.
However, there is another part of the story that deserves just as much attention. Underneath the social media post was my comment response, “Yet remember, Jesus knew exactly what Judas was going to do…. And He loved him anyway.” I felt as though my thought changed the direction of the entire message. The story is no longer only about being careful who sits at our table. It becomes a lesson about how we respond when someone at our table hurts us.
According to the Gospel of John, Jesus knew that betrayal was coming. During the meal with His disciples, Jesus told them that one of them would betray Him. He later identified Judas through the giving of a piece of bread. Judas eventually left the gathering to carry out what he had planned (John 13:21–30). Jesus was not simply caught off guard by someone He thought would remain loyal. The Gospel presents Him as knowing what was coming.
This makes Jesus’ response even more meaningful. He understood Judas’ actions, yet He did not allow Judas’ betrayal to turn Him into a hateful or revengeful person. Jesus remained true to His own character. That may be one of the greatest lessons we can take from the story.
When someone betrays us, our first reaction may be anger. We may want the person to hurt as badly as we have been hurt. We may want everyone to know what happened. We may replay conversations in our minds and wonder how we missed the warning signs. Those reactions are understandable. Betrayal can affect our ability to trust, and psychological research has shown that interpersonal betrayal can be connected with significant emotional distress, especially when the betrayal involves someone upon whom a person depended or deeply trusted (Freyd, 1996; DePrince et al., 2012).
The danger comes when another person’s betrayal begins changing who we are. One painful experience can slowly convince us that nobody can be trusted. A person who was once open and loving can become suspicious of everyone. Someone who was betrayed in one relationship may enter the next relationship expecting the new person to behave exactly like the old one. Before long, we may find ourselves making innocent people pay for wounds they did not create.
This does not mean we should ignore warning signs or continue allowing harmful people unlimited access to our lives. Christianity does not require us to abandon wisdom. Love does not mean blindness, and forgiveness does not mean pretending something never happened. There is an important difference between loving someone and trusting someone.
Jesus taught His followers to love their enemies and pray for those who persecuted them (Matthew 5:44). Notice that Jesus did not tell His followers to pretend that enemies were friends. He recognized that enemies existed. His teaching concerned how His followers should respond to them. Christian love does not require us to call harmful behavior acceptable. Instead, it challenges us not to allow hatred and revenge to control our response.
We can love someone and still establish boundaries. We can forgive someone and decide that the relationship cannot return to what it once was. We can pray for someone while also recognizing that having that person closely involved in our lives may not be healthy. Forgiveness and reconciliation are related, but they are not exactly the same thing. Rebuilding a relationship normally requires honesty, responsibility, changed behavior, and participation from both people.
Trust is also different from forgiveness. Trust is usually built over time through consistent behavior. When someone repeatedly demonstrates honesty, reliability, and respect, trust grows. When that trust is seriously violated, rebuilding it may take time. Forgiving someone does not automatically mean giving that person the same access to our life that he or she had before.
This is especially important when discussing family. We often hear people say, “But they’re family,” as though being related to someone means we must accept every behavior. Family relationships can provide some of the strongest love and support we ever experience, but family relationships can also contain conflict, manipulation, dishonesty, and betrayal. Being family does not remove the need for healthy boundaries.
At the same time, we should be careful not to turn the story of Judas into a reason to become suspicious of everyone around us. If we spend our lives searching for Judas at every table, we may eventually become unable to enjoy the people who genuinely love us. Not everyone who disagrees with us is betraying us. Not everyone who disappoints us is our enemy. People make mistakes. Friends sometimes fail us. Family members sometimes say hurtful things. Healthy relationships require enough wisdom to recognize the difference between ordinary human mistakes and continuing patterns of harmful behavior.
That difference is important because fear can easily disguise itself as wisdom. After being betrayed, we may tell ourselves that we are simply being careful when we are actually becoming emotionally closed. We may build walls and call them boundaries. A healthy boundary allows us to decide what behavior we will accept while still leaving room for healthy relationships. A wall can keep everyone out, including people who might have loved us well.
The table itself can therefore become an important symbol. A table represents closeness. It is where families eat, friends talk, stories are shared, and relationships grow. Judas came from the table, but Judas was not the only person sitting there. The other disciples were there too. If we remember only Judas, we miss much of the story.
Peter was at the table, and although Peter later denied knowing Jesus, his failure did not become the end of his story. John was there. The disciples were imperfect people who would experience fear, confusion, weakness, and failure. Yet God continued working through them. The lesson is not that everyone close to us will betray us. The lesson is that relationships involve vulnerability, and vulnerability always involves some risk.
That brings us back to my response written beneath the original quotation: Jesus knew what Judas was going to do, and He loved him anyway. There is tremendous strength in those words when they are understood correctly. Loving someone anyway does not mean trusting someone anyway. It does not mean remaining in an unsafe situation. It does not mean ignoring dishonesty. It means refusing to allow another person’s wrong choices to determine the kind of person we become.
If someone lies about us, we do not have to become liars. If someone acts cruelly toward us, we do not have to become cruel. If someone abandons us, we do not have to spend the rest of our lives abandoning people before they have the chance to leave us. If someone betrays us, we do not have to become consumed by revenge.
The Apostle Paul expressed a similar principle when he wrote, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21, NKJV). That verse does not deny that evil exists. It recognizes evil while warning us not to allow it to overcome us.
Perhaps that is one of the most important questions we can ask after experiencing betrayal: What is this experience turning me into?
We cannot always control what other people choose to do. We cannot force someone to be loyal. We cannot make another person tell the truth. We cannot control whether someone leaves, disappoints us, talks about us, or breaks a promise. We do have some control, however, over what we choose to do afterward.
We can learn from what happened without living inside what happened.
We can become wiser without becoming colder.
We can establish boundaries without becoming bitter.
We can remember the lesson without constantly reopening the wound.
We can forgive without pretending.
We can love without surrendering our judgment.
Research on forgiveness has suggested that forgiveness-based interventions can have positive psychological effects, including reductions in depression, anger, and stress in some populations (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015; Wade et al., 2014). Forgiveness should not be confused with excusing harmful behavior. Instead, it can involve gradually releasing the desire to remain emotionally controlled by the offense.
That process may take time. Some betrayals cannot simply be prayed away overnight. A person may need to grieve the relationship he or she thought existed. There may be sadness, anger, confusion, and disappointment. In serious situations, professional counseling may be helpful. Healing is not always a straight line.
There is also no shame in recognizing that some relationships have changed permanently. Sometimes reconciliation happens. Sometimes trust is rebuilt. Sometimes people accept responsibility, change their behavior, and repair what they damaged. Other times, the healthiest outcome may involve forgiveness from a distance.
Jesus’ example challenges us to consider something greater than whether the person who hurt us deserves forgiveness. It asks us to think about what carrying bitterness is doing to our own hearts.
Judas made his choice.
Jesus made His.
That distinction matters.
We may not be able to control the Judas who sits at our table, but we can decide whether his actions will control us after he leaves.
So yes, be careful who you call family. Pay attention to character. Notice patterns instead of simply listening to promises. Learn the difference between someone who makes an occasional mistake and someone who repeatedly causes harm without accepting responsibility. Establish boundaries when boundaries are needed.
But do not become so afraid of Judas that you stop inviting good people to the table.
Do not become so focused on betrayal that you stop recognizing loyalty.
Do not become so afraid of being hurt that you become unable to love.
And most importantly, do not allow what someone did to you to decide what eventually happens inside you.
The deepest lesson from Judas may not simply be that betrayal can come from someone close. Perhaps the deeper lesson is that betrayal does not have to have the final word.
Jesus knew betrayal was coming, yet He continued walking toward His purpose. Judas did not determine His identity. Judas did not change His mission. Judas did not cause Him to abandon love.
There is wisdom in being careful about who sits at your table.
There is even greater wisdom in refusing to let the person who betrays you take your peace with them when they leave.
You cannot always choose who betrays you. But you can choose what betrayal produces in you.
Choose wisdom instead of bitterness.
Choose boundaries instead of revenge.
Choose healing instead of hatred.
Choose discernment without losing compassion.
And when possible, choose the difficult freedom of loving as Christ taught us to love—not because everyone deserves unlimited access to our lives, but because no one deserves enough power over us to turn our hearts into something we were never meant to become.
References
DePrince, A. P., Chu, A. T., & Pineda, A. S. (2012). Links between specific posttrauma appraisals and three forms of trauma-related distress. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 4(4), 430–441.
Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association.
Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.
Holy Bible, New King James Version. (1982). Thomas Nelson. Matthew 5:44; Matthew 26:14–16; John 13:21–30; Romans 12:21.
Wade, N. G., Hoyt, W. T., Kidwell, J. E. M., & Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2014). Efficacy of psychotherapeutic interventions to promote forgiveness: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 82(1), 154–170.
About the Author
John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, behavioral health professional, author, and educator whose work focuses on mental health, relationships, faith, emotional healing, personal responsibility, and human behavior. His professional experience provides a practical perspective on issues such as betrayal, boundaries, forgiveness, trauma, grief, relationships, and emotional resilience.
Through his writing, Collier seeks to connect psychological understanding with everyday experiences and Christian principles in language that people can apply to their own lives. His work often emphasizes that healing does not require people to erase their past. Instead, healing involves learning from what happened while refusing to allow yesterday’s wounds to control tomorrow’s choices.
