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When Helping Becomes Enabling

If You Don’t Let People Suffer the Consequences of Their Actions, You Will Always Be a Safe Space for Their Worst Behavior

“Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop protecting someone from the consequences of the choices they keep making.”

There is a hard lesson that many good-hearted people eventually have to learn:

Helping someone and protecting someone from accountability are not the same thing.

We want to believe love means staying. Forgiving. Helping. Giving another chance. Paying the bill. Making the excuse. Cleaning up the mess. Answering the late-night call. Fixing the problem one more time.

Sometimes that is love.

But sometimes what we call love slowly turns into enabling.

Psychology Today describes enabling as behavior that shields someone from the natural negative consequences of their actions. Cleveland Clinic similarly explains that repeatedly rescuing someone can keep that person from learning to make better choices and becoming more independent.

Eventually, we have to ask ourselves a difficult question:

Am I helping this person become better, or have I simply become a comfortable place for their worst behavior to land?

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When Grace Loses Accountability

Grace is important.

People make mistakes. People struggle. People relapse. People fail. People sometimes hurt those they love.

Everyone deserves opportunities to learn and change.

But grace without accountability can become permission.

There is an enormous difference between saying:

“You made a mistake, but I believe you can do better.”

and saying:

“You can keep making the same choice, and I will keep protecting you from what happens afterward.”

The second message may never be spoken aloud.

But behavior communicates it.

If someone repeatedly creates financial problems and another person always pays the bill, what incentive exists to change?

If someone repeatedly speaks disrespectfully but knows everyone will eventually pretend nothing happened, what has that person learned?

If someone continually fails to meet responsibilities and someone else quietly picks them up, the consequences never reach the person responsible.

What began as compassion can slowly become participation in the problem.

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Consequences Are Not the Same as Punishment

This distinction matters.

A consequence does not necessarily mean punishment.

A natural consequence is simply what happens because of a choice.

If I spend money irresponsibly, I may not have enough money later.

If I continually break promises, people may stop trusting me.

If I repeatedly disrespect someone, that person may decide to limit contact with me.

If I fail to fulfill a responsibility, I may lose an opportunity.

Cause and effect are among life’s greatest teachers.

Research and clinical guidance on natural and logical consequences emphasize that predictable responses to behavior help people understand the relationship between choices and outcomes.

When we constantly interrupt that process, we may also interrupt the lesson.

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The Rescue Cycle

Enabling rarely begins with someone saying, “I want this person to continue behaving badly.”

It usually starts with love.

Something happens.

We rescue them.

They promise it will not happen again.

Things improve temporarily.

Then it happens again.

We rescue them again.

Eventually, something important changes.

The rescue becomes expected.

Cleveland Clinic notes that enabling often comes from love and a desire to help, yet repeatedly assuming the role of problem solver can prevent a loved one from learning to make healthier choices.

The person stops wondering:

“What will happen if I make this choice?”

and begins assuming:

“Who will fix this when it goes wrong?”

That is when helping becomes dangerous.

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You Can Become a Safe Place for Bad Behavior

There is something beautiful about being someone’s safe place.

A healthy safe place says:

“You can tell me the truth.”

“You can admit you failed.”

“You can cry here.”

“You can ask for help.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be perfect.”

But an unhealthy safe place says something entirely different:

“You can mistreat me and I will remain available.”

“You can ignore your responsibilities and I will handle them.”

“You can break my trust repeatedly and I will keep resetting the clock.”

“You don’t have to change because I will absorb the consequences.”

That isn’t emotional safety.

It is insulation from accountability.

And there’s a difference.

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Boundaries Change the Message

The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines a boundary as a psychological demarcation that protects a person’s integrity or helps establish realistic limits in a relationship or activity.

A boundary therefore isn’t primarily about controlling another person.

It is about deciding what you will participate in.

That’s an important distinction.

Instead of:

“You aren’t allowed to yell anymore.”

A boundary might be:

“If you begin yelling at me, I will end the conversation until we can speak respectfully.”

Instead of:

“You have to become responsible with money.”

It might become:

“I love you, but I will no longer pay debts created by choices I didn’t make.”

Instead of:

“You have to stop lying.”

It might be:

“I cannot maintain the same level of trust when I continue discovering dishonesty.”

APA guidance on professional boundaries makes a similar point in another context: limits can protect both people and support healthier relationships rather than serving as rejection.

A boundary doesn’t require the other person’s cooperation.

That’s what makes it a boundary.

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“But What If They Suffer?”

Perhaps they will.

Watching someone you love experience consequences can be painful.

But discomfort is not always damage.

Sometimes discomfort is information.

It says:

Something isn’t working.

Something needs to change.

This choice costs more than I thought it would.

When we immediately remove every uncomfortable consequence, we may unintentionally remove the motivation to do something differently.

Psychology Today specifically identifies cleaning up or shielding someone from the natural negative consequences of problematic behavior as a form of enabling.

This doesn’t mean we abandon people in danger.

It doesn’t mean refusing medical care.

It doesn’t mean allowing a child or vulnerable adult to experience preventable harm.

And it certainly does not mean retaliating against somebody.

It means understanding an important truth:

There is a difference between protecting someone from danger and protecting someone from responsibility.

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Stop Carrying What Belongs to Someone Else

Many people become exhausted because they are carrying responsibilities that were never theirs.

Another adult’s finances.

Another adult’s honesty.

Another adult’s employment.

Another adult’s temper.

Another adult’s relationships.

Another adult’s choices.

Another adult’s responsibilities.

We convince ourselves:

“If I don’t do it, nobody will.”

That may be true.

But occasionally, nobody doing it is exactly what allows reality to finally become visible.

If you always catch someone before they fall, that person may never realize how close to the edge they have been living.

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Love Them Enough to Let Them Own It

Accountability does not require cruelty.

You don’t have to humiliate someone.

You don’t need to say, “I told you so.”

You don’t have to enjoy seeing another person struggle.

You can remain compassionate while refusing to rescue.

You can say:

“I love you, but I can’t fix this for you.”

“I believe you can handle this.”

“I’ll support you while you work through it, but I won’t take responsibility for something that belongs to you.”

“I forgive you, but forgiveness doesn’t erase the need for change.”

“I am here when you’re ready to do something different.”

That isn’t abandonment.

Sometimes it is the most honest kind of support we can give.

Cleveland Clinic makes this distinction directly: healthy help supports improvement, while enabling prevents someone from learning better choices and becoming more capable of standing independently.

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Boundaries Will Reveal Relationships

There is another uncomfortable reality about setting boundaries.

Some people will not like them.

A person who benefited from your lack of boundaries may experience your new boundary as unfair.

Someone accustomed to unlimited access to your time may call you selfish when you begin saying no.

Someone accustomed to having you fix every problem may tell you that you’ve changed.

They may be right.

You have changed.

You stopped confusing love with unlimited tolerance.

You stopped confusing forgiveness with permission.

You stopped confusing compassion with rescuing.

And you stopped measuring the health of the relationship by how much mistreatment you could endure.

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The Goal Isn’t to Make Them Suffer

This deserves emphasis.

The purpose of consequences is not suffering for suffering’s sake.

Healthy accountability shouldn’t be revenge.

The goal isn’t:

“I’m going to teach you a lesson.”

The healthier position is:

“I’m no longer going to prevent life from teaching the lesson.”

That is an enormous difference.

One is punishment.

The other is stepping out of the cycle.

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Conclusion: Stop Being a Safe Place for the Worst Version of Someone

We should all strive to be safe people.

Safe enough that someone can be honest.

Safe enough that someone can acknowledge a mistake.

Safe enough that someone can ask for help.

Safe enough that someone can admit failure and try again.

But being emotionally safe does not mean becoming a consequence-free environment.

Sometimes love comforts.

Sometimes love forgives.

Sometimes love gives another chance.

And sometimes love quietly steps aside and says:

“This belongs to you.”

Because if you repeatedly protect someone from the consequences created by their own choices, eventually you may stop being a safe place for their healing and become a safe place for their worst behavior.

Perhaps one of the greatest expressions of respect is believing another adult is capable of facing reality, taking responsibility and changing.

You can love someone without rescuing them.

You can forgive someone without trusting them immediately.

You can care without carrying.

You can support without enabling.

And you can say no without becoming cruel.

Sometimes the boundary isn’t where love ends. The boundary is where unhealthy love ends and healthy love finally begins.

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About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His professional work focuses on behavioral health, counseling, leadership, personal growth, relationships and helping individuals build healthier and more meaningful lives.

Collier is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he explores the intersection of psychology, relationships, responsibility, faith, morality, leadership and personal development. His writing often challenges readers to examine not only the behavior of others, but also their own choices, boundaries and responsibilities.

Through his clinical experience and reflective writing, Collier encourages a simple principle: meaningful change requires honesty, personal responsibility and the willingness to do the difficult work of becoming better.

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References

American Psychological Association. (2018). Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Stringer, H. (2025). The benefits of better boundaries in clinical practice. American Psychological Association.

Wu, J. (2020). How to recognize (and correct) enabling behavior. Psychology Today.

Cleveland Clinic. (2023). 4 signs of enabling and how to stop. The article discusses the distinction between helping and repeatedly rescuing someone from the consequences of problematic choices.

Johnson, L. (2023). Helping children learn: The importance of natural and logical consequences when working with children who have experienced trauma. Outcomes First Group. The resource explains natural and logical consequences and their role in learning cause and effect.

The Healing Power of a Kiss: How Kissing Your Partner Can Affect Your Health

A kiss can last only a few seconds, but the experience can communicate something much larger: I see you. I am here. You matter to me.

Between committed partners, kissing does not always have to lead somewhere else. Sometimes it is simply affection. A goodbye kiss before work, a kiss after a difficult day, or a quiet kiss before going to sleep can become part of the language through which two people maintain their connection.

Interestingly, research suggests that affectionate behaviors such as kissing may affect more than the relationship itself. They can also interact with the body’s stress response and may be associated with certain measures of physical health.

A Kiss and the Stress Response

One of the better-supported potential health effects of affectionate kissing involves stress.

Kissing and other forms of affectionate touch have been associated with changes in hormones involved in attachment and stress, including oxytocin and cortisol. Cortisol is an important part of the body’s stress-response system, while oxytocin is associated with social bonding and attachment. That does not mean a kiss magically removes the problems of the day.

The bills still have to be paid.
The children still need attention.
Work may still be stressful.
The disagreement may still need to be resolved.

But affection can communicate something powerful in the middle of those circumstances:

“Whatever is happening around us, we are still connected.”

That feeling of connection can matter.

Kissing May Affect More Than Emotions

Researchers have also examined whether kissing is associated with physical health markers.

In a study using data from 863 U.S. adults, researcher Kory Floyd examined relationships among kissing frequency, stress, and blood lipids. The study found significant indirect associations between kissing frequency and triglycerides and HDL cholesterol among participants reporting seven or more kisses during the previous month, with stress serving as a mediating factor. That’s fascinating, but it requires an important word of caution.

This does not mean kissing should be considered a treatment for high cholesterol or cardiovascular disease. The healthier interpretation is that affectionate relationships and reduced stress may interact with physical health in ways researchers are continuing to understand.

A kiss isn’t medicine. But affection may be one of the small ways our relationships interact with our physical well-being.

Your Brain Notices Affection

Affection is not merely an abstract emotional experience.

The brain and body respond to it.

Kissing has been associated with neurochemicals involved in reward, bonding, and mood, including dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, while affectionate contact has also been associated with reductions in cortisol. That helps explain something couples often understand intuitively.

Sometimes your partner doesn’t need you to solve anything.

They need you to stop.

Look at them.

Put down the phone.

Give them your attention.

Give them a kiss.

And remind them that they are not carrying everything alone.

The Relationship May Benefit Too

Perhaps one of the most meaningful effects of kissing has nothing to do with laboratory numbers.

It is communication.

A kiss can mean:

Good morning.

I missed you.

I’m proud of you.

Thank you.

I’m sorry.

I’m glad you’re here.

We’re okay.

Goodnight.

Physical affection can reinforce feelings of attachment and closeness between partners, and oxytocin is closely associated with bonding. Over years together, these little rituals may become especially meaningful.

Grand romantic gestures are memorable. Daily affection, however, is often what fills the enormous spaces between those moments.

But Let’s Not Turn Kissing Into a Miracle Cure

The internet is filled with dramatic claims about kissing.

Some articles claim it burns significant calories, prevents cavities, boosts immunity, eliminates allergies, cures headaches, or provides cardiovascular exercise.

Those claims deserve caution.

Current evidence is much stronger for stress reduction, emotional connection, bonding, and relationship-related benefits than for portraying kissing as a medical treatment. Even recent health-oriented reviews caution that many of its physical benefits are modest and that kissing should not substitute for medical treatment or exercise. That’s actually a more interesting conclusion.

Kissing doesn’t have to cure anything to matter.

It’s more nuanced:

Affectionate kissing between healthy, consenting partners can be part of emotional connection and stress regulation, but it isn’t risk-free or a replacement for healthcare.

Maybe the Small Things Aren’t So Small

We tend to look for complicated solutions to complicated lives.

Better diets.

Exercise programs.

Supplements.

Vacations.

Meditation.

Therapy.

All of those can have their place.

But somewhere in our pursuit of health, we shouldn’t overlook the human need for affection and meaningful connection.

After years together, couples can gradually become very good business partners.

Who is picking up the kids?

Did you pay the electric bill?

What’s for dinner?

Who has the appointment tomorrow?

Did you call the insurance company?

We can become so busy managing a life together that we forget to experience one another.

A kiss interrupts that routine.

For a moment, there isn’t a mortgage, schedule, deadline, diagnosis, argument, or overflowing laundry basket.

There are simply two people acknowledging one another.

Perhaps that is the most important health lesson contained in something as ordinary as a kiss.

Sometimes a kiss doesn’t need to be passionate to be powerful. It only needs to remind two people that beneath everything they have to do, they still belong to one another.

Conclusion

Science should not be exaggerated. Kissing isn’t going to replace exercise, medication, good nutrition, sleep, or appropriate mental and physical healthcare.

But neither should we dismiss affection as insignificant.

Research gives us good reason to believe that kissing and other forms of affectionate communication can interact with stress, bonding, emotional well-being, and potentially some physiological measures. Maybe the lesson isn’t that everyone needs to kiss more because it will magically make them healthier.

Maybe it is simpler than that.

Human beings need connection.

And sometimes one of the simplest ways two partners say “I’m still here with you” doesn’t require words at all.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, behavioral health professional, writer, and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has given him the opportunity to work with individuals, families, professionals, and communities while developing a deeper understanding of the many factors that shape emotional health, relationships, personal growth, and human behavior.

John began his professional journey in social work after earning his bachelor’s degree and becoming a Certified Social Worker in 2004. He later advanced his education and clinical training, ultimately becoming a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in 2010 and earning the credentials to provide clinical supervision to other social workers.

Today, as Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, John works in the behavioral health field in southeastern Kentucky, with particular attention to improving access to quality mental health services in rural communities. His professional interests include clinical social work, mental health, Positive Behavior Support, family relationships, human development, organizational leadership, and the ways that relationships and life experiences influence emotional well-being.

John is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where his writing moves beyond the walls of the counseling office. He explores marriage, relationships, parenting, masculinity, faith, grief, trust, morality, personal responsibility, emotional growth, forgiveness, and the difficult process of becoming a better version of ourselves.

His writing is shaped not only by professional education and clinical experience, but also by the belief that some of life’s most important lessons are found in ordinary moments. A conversation between spouses, an argument with someone we love, a parent’s interaction with a child, a mistake we regret, an act of forgiveness, or even something as simple as a kiss goodbye can reveal something meaningful about attachment, connection, character, and the human need to belong.

Through The Mind’s Trestle Board, John encourages readers to slow down long enough to examine those moments rather than simply pass through them. Drawing upon behavioral science, social-work principles, life experience, and personal reflection, he seeks to translate complicated ideas about mental health and relationships into language that ordinary people can understand and apply to everyday life.

A recurring theme in his writing is that growth is not the same as perfection. People make mistakes. Relationships become strained. Families face difficult seasons. Individuals sometimes discover uncomfortable truths about themselves. What matters is whether we are willing to examine ourselves honestly, accept responsibility when responsibility belongs to us, learn from experience, seek wisdom, and continue becoming better people.

His work also reflects the importance of faith, family, commitment, compassion, accountability, and service to others. Rather than presenting himself as someone who has mastered those principles, John writes from the perspective of someone who continues to wrestle with what they mean in real life.

Ultimately, The Mind’s Trestle Board is built around a simple idea: our minds, relationships, choices, failures, successes, and experiences are constantly shaping the people we are becoming.

John’s hope is that his writing gives readers a reason to pause, think, talk with the people they love, question old assumptions, and perhaps look at an ordinary part of life from a different perspective.

Love Them Because They Are Worth Loving

Why Building Love Primarily on How Someone Makes You Feel Can Be Dangerous

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There is a phrase we hear often when people talk about falling in love:

“I love the way you make me feel.”

It sounds beautiful.

And there is nothing wrong with feeling good around the person you love. We should hope our relationships bring happiness, comfort, affection, peace, laughter, attraction, safety, and belonging.

But there is a danger hidden inside those words when they become the reason we love someone.

Because feelings change.

People change.

Life changes.

And if I love you primarily because of what loving you does for me, what happens when you can no longer make me feel that way?

Maybe real love has to begin somewhere deeper.

Maybe I should not love you simply because you make me feel loved.

Maybe I should love you because you are worth loving.

Because you deserve to be loved.

And because, when the feelings rise and fall as feelings inevitably do, I still choose to love you.

“Love that depends entirely upon a feeling is in danger whenever the feeling changes.”

Feelings Are Powerful, but They Are Not Permanent

Our feelings are real, but they are also remarkably fluid.

A single conversation can change our mood. Stress can change it. Exhaustion can change it. Grief can change it. Financial pressure, parenting problems, illness, work, disappointment, aging, anxiety, and depression can all influence what we feel.

Romantic love itself has biological and psychological components. Research discussed by the American Psychological Association describes how early romantic love engages reward and motivational systems within the brain. That helps explain something many of us already know from experience.

Falling in love can feel incredible.

But a lifelong relationship cannot depend upon continually recreating the emotional intensity of falling in love.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg’s well-known triangular theory describes love through three components: intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. Notice that last word:

Commitment.

There is emotion in love.

There is attraction in love.

There is intimacy in love.

But there is also decision.

That distinction matters.

The Problem With “I Love How You Make Me Feel”

There is a subtle difference between saying:

“I love you, and being loved by you makes me happy.”

and saying:

“I love you because you make me happy.”

Those statements may sound almost identical, but they can represent very different foundations.

In the first, happiness is a fruit of the relationship.

In the second, happiness can become a condition of the relationship.

If your primary value to me is your ability to make me feel good about myself, secure, wanted, important, admired, attractive, understood, or happy, I may gradually stop seeing you and begin seeing what you provide for me.

Without realizing it, love can become transactional:

You give me this feeling, and in return, I give you my love.

That is a dangerous bargain because neither person can maintain it forever.

No Person Can Carry the Responsibility for Your Happiness

There will be seasons when the person you love simply does not have much left to give.

They may be grieving.

They may become sick.

They may lose a parent.

They may struggle emotionally.

They may have problems at work.

They may become overwhelmed by raising children.

They may become frightened, tired, discouraged, irritable, or quiet.

They may need you far more than they are capable of giving to you.

And there is an important question hidden inside those difficult seasons:

Can I continue loving you when you are temporarily unable to make me feel the way you once did?

That may be one of the tests separating love as an emotion from love as a commitment.

If my love depends on what you supply emotionally, then your difficult season becomes my relationship crisis.

Instead of asking,

“What does the person I love need from me?”

I begin asking,

“Why aren’t you making me happy anymore?”

Those are completely different questions.

When Love Becomes About Me

There is a paradox here.

We can become very focused on another person while actually being preoccupied with ourselves.

I need your attention.

I need your reassurance.

I need you to respond a certain way.

I need you to make me feel important.

I need you to make me feel secure.

I need you to demonstrate that you love me.

There is nothing wrong with having relational needs. Healthy relationships require reciprocity, communication, respect, affection, trust, and appropriate boundaries.

The danger comes when another human being becomes responsible for constantly regulating our sense of worth.

At that point, we may not be asking:

“Who are you?”

We may really be asking:

“Who am I when I am reflected in your eyes?”

And those questions are worlds apart.

Love the Person, Not Just the Experience of the Person

There is something I think we should ask ourselves occasionally:

If this person stopped making me feel extraordinary, would I still believe they were extraordinary?

That question can be uncomfortable.

But it gets to the heart of mature love.

The person you love is more than an experience you are having.

They are a whole human being.

They have hopes you did not create.

Fears you did not cause.

Dreams that existed before you.

Wounds you may never completely understand.

Weaknesses.

Strengths.

Insecurities.

Failures.

Convictions.

Responsibilities.

And a life that possesses value apart from what it contributes to yours.

Research on motivations for romantic relationships also suggests that people enter relationships for different reasons, including love and care, family and children, status and resources, and other motivations. Those motivations are associated with people’s broader values and the qualities they seek in partners. So it is worth examining not simply whom we love, but why we love them.

“You Make Me Happy” Is a Gift, Not a Job Description

I hope the person you love makes you happy.

But happiness should be received as a gift rather than imposed as a job description.

Think about the difference.

Gift:

“Your presence brings happiness into my life, and I am grateful for it.”

Demand:

“Your responsibility is to keep me happy, and something is wrong with you whenever you don’t.”

The first produces gratitude.

The second can produce resentment.

The person you love should not have to wake every morning wondering whether they are successfully maintaining your emotional state.

That burden eventually becomes exhausting.

Feelings Are Weather. Commitment Is the House.

Feelings remind me of weather.

Some mornings are warm and clear.

Some evenings bring storms.

Occasionally the wind howls against the windows.

Sometimes rain seems to last for days.

But we don’t tear down the house every time the weather changes.

We build something capable of standing through changing weather.

Relationships need that kind of architecture.

Attraction may help bring two people together.

Emotion may deepen their connection.

Shared experiences may strengthen their bond.

But eventually love has to become something capable of surviving a rainy season.

Feelings are weather. Commitment is the house we build so love has somewhere to live when the storm comes.

Love Is Not Blind

Choosing love does not mean tolerating cruelty, abuse, manipulation, chronic betrayal, coercion, or dangerous behavior.

Commitment should never be used as justification for remaining unsafe.

Healthy love includes boundaries.

Healthy love can say no.

Healthy love can confront harmful behavior.

Healthy love can require change.

And sometimes loving someone does not mean continuing a particular relationship.

The idea that love involves choice should never become an excuse for mistreatment.

Choosing love means recognizing another person’s humanity and worth. It does not require abandoning your own.

There Will Be Days When Love Feels Different

Long relationships inevitably have ordinary days.

Nobody writes songs about Tuesday evening when both people are exhausted, the kitchen needs cleaning, someone forgot to pay a bill, and neither person has much interesting to say.

But those moments matter.

Because much of love is lived there.

Not on anniversaries.

Not during vacations.

Not inside perfect photographs.

But in kitchens.

Hospital rooms.

Cars.

Waiting rooms.

Grocery stores.

School parking lots.

Funerals.

Bad mornings.

Long nights.

And thousands of completely ordinary Tuesdays.

The intensity of emotion may change over time. Sternberg’s framework is useful precisely because love is not reduced to passion alone. Intimacy and commitment are distinct parts of the larger relationship. Sometimes love feels like fireworks.

Sometimes love feels like sitting beside someone who has nothing left to say and quietly letting them know:

You don’t have to entertain me.

You don’t have to impress me.

You don’t have to make me feel anything right now.

I’m still here.

The Question Changes

Immature love often asks:

“What am I getting from you?”

Mature love increasingly learns to ask:

“What can I give to this relationship without losing myself in the process?”

That doesn’t mean becoming a martyr.

It means learning reciprocity rather than keeping score.

There will be times when I carry more.

There will be times when you carry more.

And perhaps there will be moments when neither of us feels particularly strong, so we simply carry what we can together.

Love Is Also a Choice

This may be one of the least romantic sounding things we can say about love, yet I believe it is one of the most beautiful:

Sometimes love is a decision.

Sternberg’s theory explicitly incorporates decision and commitment as part of love. That does not make love cold.

It makes love dependable.

“I choose you” may ultimately mean more than “I feel something for you.”

Because feelings happen to us.

Choices require something from us.

There are mornings when you wake up feeling deeply connected to the person beside you.

There may be other mornings when frustration or hurt is sitting between you.

The question then becomes:

What will I do with the love I promised when love doesn’t feel effortless?

Love Someone Because They Are Worth Loving

Perhaps we need to change some of our language.

Instead of:

“I love you because you make me feel special.”

Try:

“I love you, and I am grateful that you make me feel special.”

Instead of:

“I love you because you make me happy.”

Try:

“I love you, and sharing my life with you brings me happiness.”

Instead of:

“I love you because of what you do for me.”

Try:

“I love who you are, not merely what you provide for me.”

Then perhaps arrive at something even deeper:

“I love you because I have come to know you. I see something worthy in you. I respect the human being you are. And I choose to participate in loving you.”

That kind of love has roots.

Love Them When They Cannot Perform for You

One day the person you love may not look the way they once did.

Neither will you.

Their body may change.

Their health may change.

Their career may change.

Their confidence may disappear for a while.

Perhaps their laughter will become harder to find.

Perhaps life will humble them.

And you might be given the extraordinary responsibility of loving someone during a season when they do not even feel very lovable themselves.

That is when love may become less glamorous but more meaningful.

Because then you are no longer saying:

“I love what I experience when I am with you.”

You are saying:

“I love you.”

Period.

And Let Them Love You the Same Way

There is another side to this.

You deserve a love that does not require you to perform happiness for someone else.

You should be able to have a bad day.

To grieve.

To struggle.

To get something wrong.

To need reassurance.

To grow.

To age.

To change.

To become tired.

To occasionally have very little to give.

Healthy relationships still require responsibility, repair, communication, and mutual effort. Love is not permission to stop caring for the relationship.

But you should not have to constantly prove your value by producing a particular emotional experience for somebody else.

You are not an emotional vending machine.

Neither is the person you love.

Conclusion: I Choose to Love You

Maybe love begins with a feeling.

A glance.

A conversation.

A smile.

Something inexplicable that draws two lives toward one another.

There is nothing wrong with that.

But if love becomes mature, eventually it must become more than what I feel when you walk into the room.

Because feelings rise.

Feelings fall.

Bodies change.

Circumstances change.

People disappoint each other.

Life interrupts our plans.

Storms arrive.

And eventually every relationship encounters a moment when feelings alone are not enough.

That is when love gets the opportunity to become something deeper.

I don’t want to love you merely because you make me feel important.

I want to recognize that you are important.

I don’t want to love you only because you make me feel worthy.

I want to remember that you have worth of your own.

I don’t want my love to disappear simply because life becomes difficult and the emotional reward feels smaller for a season.

I want to love you because I have looked carefully at the human being standing before me and decided:

You are worth loving.

You deserve love.

And today, I choose to love you.

Tomorrow, I want to make that choice again.

And the next day, again.

Perhaps that is one of the quiet secrets of lasting love.

It isn’t one enormous choice made at an altar, on an anniversary, or during some perfect moment.

It is thousands of ordinary choices.

I see you.

I value you.

I respect you.

I will not make you responsible for every emotion inside me.

And even when love feels different than it did yesterday, I will remember why I chose to love you in the first place.

The deepest love may not be, “I love you because of how you make me feel.” It may be, “I know who you are, I believe you are worth loving, and I choose to love you.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has given him the opportunity to work with individuals and families facing trauma, mental health challenges, relationship difficulties, major life transitions, and the everyday struggles that shape human growth.

John writes The Mind’s Trestle Board as a place to explore the intersection of mental health, relationships, personal responsibility, faith, morality, fatherhood, emotional development, and the lifelong work of becoming a better human being.

His writing is grounded in the belief that growth does not require perfection. It requires honesty, humility, reflection, responsibility, and a willingness to keep working on ourselves. Through both his professional experience and personal reflections, he encourages readers to look beneath their immediate emotions and consider the values, choices, commitments, and relationships upon which a meaningful life is built.

References

American Psychological Association. (2023). What happens in your brain when you’re in love? The article discusses neuroscience research concerning romantic love, motivation, and the brain’s reward systems. Myers, E. /
Simply Psychology. (2026). Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. Overview of Robert Sternberg’s model of intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment.
Psych Central. The psychology of love: Theories and facts. Overview of psychological perspectives on love, attachment, and Sternberg’s triangular theory.
Tartakovsky, E. (2023). The psychology of romantic relationships: motivations and mate preferences. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1273607. The study examined romantic motivations, personal values, and partner preferences among 1,121 young adults.
PsyPost. (2024). The psychology of love: 10 groundbreaking insights into the science of relationships. Discussion of research concerning relationship quality and psychological well-being.

The Rules of Fighting Fair: How Love Survives Disagreement

Every relationship has arguments. No matter how deeply two people love each other, there will be moments of frustration, misunderstanding, disappointment, and hurt. The difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy ones is not whether conflict exists. The difference is how conflict is handled.

The image above presents five simple but powerful rules for couples during arguments. At first glance, they seem obvious. Yet these principles address some of the most common mistakes that damage trust and intimacy. They remind us that being angry with someone is not a license to stop loving them.

Research consistently shows that conflict itself is not the greatest threat to a relationship. Rather, it is destructive communication patterns, contempt, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness that place relationships at risk (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Rule #1: Be Mad at Me, But Don’t Insult Me

“Anger is not a ticket to speak carelessly.”

When emotions run high, words often become weapons. People say things they never truly mean because they want the other person to feel the same pain they are feeling.

The problem is that arguments eventually end, but hurtful words often remain.

You may forget what the disagreement was about, but you rarely forget being called worthless, stupid, selfish, or unlovable. According to relationship researcher John Gottman, contempt and personal attacks are among the strongest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and eventual separation (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Healthy couples understand an important truth: attack the problem, not the person.

You can say:

  • “That hurt me.”
  • “I am disappointed.”
  • “I feel ignored.”

Without saying:

  • “You’re pathetic.”
  • “You never do anything right.”
  • “You’re just like your mother.”

Respect should not disappear simply because peace has.

Anger can be temporary. The damage caused by contempt can be permanent.

Rule #2: Be Mad at Me, But Tell Me Why

“Don’t assume I know.”

One of the greatest relationship myths is that people should automatically know what is wrong.

The truth is that nobody can read minds.

Many arguments grow larger because one partner believes the other should already understand the issue. Meanwhile, the other person is confused and becomes frustrated trying to guess.

Clear communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship success. Research by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (2010) found that couples who communicate concerns directly and clearly are better able to resolve conflict and maintain emotional intimacy.

Instead of saying:

  • “You know exactly what you did.”

Try saying:

  • “When this happened, it made me feel unimportant.”

People cannot fix problems they do not understand.

Love requires communication, not telepathy.

As marriage and family therapist Virginia Satir observed, communication is to relationships what breathing is to life. Without it, connection slowly deteriorates (Satir, 1988).

Rule #3: Be Mad at Me, But Don’t Broadcast It

Conflict belongs between the people involved.

Too often people rush to social media, group texts, friends, family members, or coworkers to discuss relationship problems before discussing them with their partner.

While outside support can sometimes be helpful, publicly shaming a partner almost never improves the relationship.

Once private details become public, they cannot easily be taken back.

Strong relationships protect each other’s dignity, even during difficult moments. Maintaining emotional safety and mutual respect helps partners feel secure enough to resolve disagreements constructively (Tatkin, 2012).

This does not mean remaining silent about abuse, manipulation, or situations involving safety concerns. Those circumstances require outside support and intervention. However, ordinary relationship disagreements generally benefit from privacy, maturity, and direct communication.

A couple should be teammates solving a problem together, not opponents recruiting spectators.

Rule #4: Be Mad at Me, But Don’t Forget My Good Qualities

Conflict has a way of shrinking our perspective.

When we are hurt, our minds naturally focus on the thing causing the pain. Suddenly one mistake feels larger than a thousand acts of kindness.

Psychologists often describe this tendency as negative filtering, where attention becomes focused on a person’s flaws while overlooking their strengths.

A healthy relationship requires balance.

Remember:

  • The person who forgot an anniversary may also be the person who supported you through difficult times.
  • The person who made a mistake may also be the person who loves you deeply.
  • The person frustrating you today may be the person who has stood beside you for years.

Research from the Gottman Institute has found that successful couples maintain a strong ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions, even during periods of conflict (The Gottman Institute, 2024).

A moment of failure should not erase a history of goodness.

Rule #5: Be Mad at Me, But Remember Grace

“Remember all the times I’ve forgiven you.”

This final point may be the most powerful.

Every person who has been in a long-term relationship has needed forgiveness. No one is perfect. No one gets everything right.

Healthy couples recognize that relationships are not scoreboards.

Love is strengthened when both people remember that they have received grace as often as they have given it.

Research from the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley indicates that forgiveness is associated with stronger relationships, better emotional health, reduced stress, and greater overall well-being (Greater Good Science Center, 2023).

Forgiveness does not excuse harmful behavior or remove accountability. Instead, it acknowledges that human beings are flawed and that lasting relationships require compassion.

The question is not whether your partner will eventually disappoint you.

They will.

The question is whether there is enough humility, understanding, and forgiveness to move forward together.

The Real Secret Behind Healthy Arguments

Many people believe successful couples avoid conflict. The truth is quite the opposite.

Successful couples argue.

They disagree.

They become frustrated.

They occasionally hurt one another.

What separates them from struggling couples is that they continue fighting for the relationship while addressing the problem.

They remember that the person sitting across from them is not the enemy.

The problem is the enemy.

Relationship experts consistently emphasize that couples who approach conflict as a shared challenge rather than a battle to be won are more likely to experience long-term satisfaction and stability (Markman et al., 2010; Gottman & Silver, 2015).

The argument should never become a contest about who wins. It should become a conversation about how both people can heal, learn, and grow.

Because at the end of the day, the healthiest relationships are not those free from anger.

They are the relationships where love remains present even when anger arrives.

“Being angry with someone is not the opposite of loving them. Treating them without respect is.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC and author of The Mind’s Trestle Board. Through his writing, he explores relationships, personal growth, emotional wellness, morality, and the challenges people face as they seek meaningful connections with others. His work blends professional behavioral health experience with practical life lessons intended to encourage reflection, healing, and personal development.

References

Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised ed.). Harmony Books.

Greater Good Science Center. (2023). The Science of Forgiveness. University of California, Berkeley.

Harvard Health Publishing. (2022). Communication and Conflict Resolution in Relationships. Harvard Medical School.

Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage (3rd ed.). Jossey-Bass.

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2023). Healthy Communication and Relationship Wellness. Mayo Clinic.

Satir, V. (1988). The New Peoplemaking. Science and Behavior Books.

Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New Harbinger Publications.

The Gottman Institute. (2024). Managing Conflict in Relationships.