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When Parents Pull in Different Directions: How Conflict Affects Marriage and Children

Every family has disagreements. That is normal. But when parents constantly clash about important things—like rules, discipline, values, or how to raise the children—the stress can grow quickly. A phrase like “Let’s just agree to disagree” may sound peaceful. However, when it becomes a pattern in major parenting decisions, it can create confusion, tension, and hurt feelings within the family.

This article looks at how ongoing parental conflict and mixed messages can affect both the marriage and the children.

Why a United Parenting Approach Matters

Children feel safest when their parents work as a team. When parents support each other’s decisions, kids know what to expect. This helps them feel secure and builds trust.

Research shows that a strong coparenting relationship is linked to:

Better emotional health for children More consistent behavior and discipline Greater satisfaction in the marriage (Feinberg, 2003; McHale & Lindahl, 2011)

When parents regularly disagree or contradict each other, the family may feel unstable.

The Hidden Risks of “Agreeing to Disagree”

There is nothing wrong with having different opinions. Problems arise when parents “agree to disagree” about core parenting issues and then act in opposite ways.

This can lead to:

1. Confusing Rules

If one parent says “yes” and the other says “no,” children may not know which rules to follow.

2. Testing Limits

Kids may learn to play one parent against the other to get what they want.

3. Emotional Stress

Children can feel anxious when they sense tension between parents, even if no one is yelling.

(Cummings & Davies, 2010)

When One Parent Undermines the Other

Undermining happens when one parent dismisses or weakens the other parent’s authority. Examples include:

Ignoring agreed-upon rules Criticizing the other parent in front of the child Encouraging the child to side with one parent

Studies show that this pattern is associated with:

Increased behavior problems Higher anxiety in children Strained parent–child relationships (Davies et al., 2002; Feinberg et al., 2012)

Children often feel stuck in the middle, unsure who to listen to.

Effects on the Marriage

Ongoing parenting conflict can damage the couple’s bond. Partners may feel:

Disrespected Unheard Frustrated or resentful

Over time, this can lead to emotional distance or more frequent arguments (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Leadership vs. Control

In healthy relationships, guidance and decision-making are shared. Problems occur when one partner feels controlled or when the other feels ignored.

Healthy family leadership usually includes:

Listening to each other Respecting different viewpoints Making decisions together

Mutual respect and teamwork are key factors in strong marriages (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Steps Toward Greater Unity

Families can improve these patterns. Helpful strategies include:

✔ Talk About Shared Goals

Focus on what both parents want for the children’s well-being.

✔ Create Clear Agreements

Set consistent rules and consequences together.

✔ Avoid Conflict in Front of Children

Discuss disagreements privately when possible.

✔ Practice Calm Communication

Use respectful language, even during disagreements.

✔ Seek Professional Help

Couples or family therapy can help rebuild cooperation and understanding (Johnson, 2008).

Disagreements are a normal part of family life. But when parents consistently pull in different directions—especially in parenting—the effects can ripple through the marriage and the children’s emotional health. The greatest harm comes not from having different opinions, but from ongoing conflict, inconsistency, and lack of mutual support.

When parents work toward unity, respect, and shared decision-making, children benefit from greater stability and security, and the marriage often grows stronger as well.

This article was written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years in a social work field. He currently serves as the executive Director in outpatient behavioral health therapist at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral health based out of London Kentucky.

References

Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.

Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2010). Marital Conflict and Children.

Davies, P. T., et al. (2002). Child emotional security and conflict. Child Development.

Feinberg, M. E. (2003). Coparenting theory. Parenting: Science and Practice.

Feinberg, M. E., et al. (2012). Coparenting and child adjustment. Developmental Psychology.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight.

McHale, J. P., & Lindahl, K. M. (2011). Coparenting.

Listening to Understand, Not to Win

Many couples argue because they are trying to win, not because they don’t care. When people listen just to prove their point, conversations turn into fights. When people listen to understand, conversations turn into chances to grow closer.

Listening to understand means you are trying to truly hear what your partner feels and needs—even if you do not fully agree. This kind of listening builds trust, safety, and connection in marriage.

Listening to Win vs. Listening to Understand

Listening to Win

When someone listens to win, they are:

  • planning what to say next
  • defending themselves
  • trying to prove they are right
  • pointing out mistakes

This makes the other person feel unheard and unsafe. When people feel unsafe, they shut down or fight back.

Listening to Understand

When someone listens to understand, they are:

  • focused on the other person
  • trying to understand feelings
  • asking questions instead of accusing
  • showing care and respect

Research shows that feeling understood lowers anger and helps couples solve problems together (Gottman Institute, n.d.).

Why Feeling Heard Matters So Much

When your partner feels heard, their body and brain calm down. They are more open to problem-solving. Studies on active listening show that people communicate better when they feel emotionally understood, not judged (Rogers & Farson, 1957).

You do not have to agree to show understanding. You only have to show that you are trying to understand.

A Helpful Rule: Understand First, Respond Later

A simple rule for couples is this:

Do not argue with something you do not fully understand yet.

Before responding, try to explain your partner’s point in your own words. This shows effort and care.

Example:

  • “What I hear you saying is that you felt ignored when I didn’t respond.”
  • “It sounds like that really hurt you.”

This approach reduces defensiveness and keeps conversations respectful (Gottman Institute, n.d.).

5 Simple Skills for Listening to Understand

1. Give Full Attention

Put down your phone. Look at your partner. Show that they matter.

2. Don’t Interrupt

Let your partner finish speaking. Interrupting sends the message that their feelings don’t matter.

3. Repeat What You Heard

Say:

  • “So you’re saying…”
    This helps prevent misunderstandings.

4. Name the Feeling

Try:

  • “It sounds like you felt frustrated.”
    This helps your partner feel seen.

5. Ask If You Got It Right

End with:

  • “Did I understand that correctly?”
    This turns the conversation into teamwork.

These steps are core parts of active listening and emotional connection (StatPearls, 2023).

A Simple Script Couples Can Use

Partner A:
“I feel hurt when this happens.”

Partner B:
“What I hear is that you felt hurt because ____. Did I get that right?”

Partner A:
“Yes” or “Almost—here’s what I mean…”

Partner B:
“Thank you for explaining. Tell me more.”

This small change can completely shift the tone of a conversation.

Common Mistakes to Avoid

  • Trying to fix the problem too fast
  • Saying “yes, but…”
  • Correcting small details instead of focusing on feelings
  • Getting defensive right away

When emotions are high, understanding must come before solutions.

Conclusion

Listening to understand, not to win, changes marriages. It creates safety. It builds trust. It helps couples feel like partners instead of opponents.

When both people feel heard, even hard conversations become moments of connection.

Reframes for Couples

Use these simple reframes during conflict:

  • ❌ “You’re wrong.”
    ✅ “Help me understand your point.”
  • ❌ “You’re overreacting.”
    ✅ “I see this really matters to you.”
  • ❌ “Here’s why I did that.”
    ✅ “I want to understand how that affected you.”
  • ❌ “You always…”
    ✅ “When this happens, it feels…”
  • ❌ “I need to defend myself.”
    ✅ “I need to listen first.”

Strong marriages are not built on being right.
They are built on being present, patient, and willing to understand.

This article was written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and behavioral health professional with extensive experience working with individuals, couples, and families. He specializes in relationship dynamics, emotional regulation, trauma-informed care, and communication patterns that impact long-term connection. John is known for blending clinical insight with practical, real-life guidance that helps couples move from conflict toward understanding, safety, and emotional growth. His work focuses on helping people build healthier relationships through empathy, accountability, and intentional communication.

Reflective Questions

  1. Do I listen to understand or to respond?
  2. What helps me feel heard by my partner?
  3. What habits do I have that shut conversations down?
  4. How do I react when I feel misunderstood?
  5. What would change if I focused more on understanding than winning?

References

The Best Times to Stay Silent: A Simple Guide

Sometimes, staying quiet is the best thing you can do. Knowing when to talk and when to listen can help you avoid trouble, show respect, and even help you feel calmer. This article explains the best times to stay silent and why it matters.

1. During an Argument

When people are angry, they often say things they don’t mean. Studies show that when emotions are high, people don’t think as clearly (Gross, 2002). If you stay silent, you give yourself time to calm down and think before speaking. Experts say that good relationships work better when people take a moment to reflect before responding (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

2. When Someone Else is Talking

Listening is an important skill. People who listen well build stronger relationships (Brownell, 2012). If you interrupt or talk over someone, they may feel like you don’t care about what they are saying. Staying quiet while they speak shows respect and helps you understand them better.

3. When Dealing with the Law

If you ever talk to the police, staying silent until you have a lawyer is a smart choice. In the U.S., the Fifth Amendment allows people to stay quiet so they don’t say something that could be used against them (Miranda v. Arizona, 1966). Lawyers suggest staying silent until you have legal help (Dressler, 2019).

4. When You Don’t Know the Facts

If you don’t know much about a topic, it’s better to listen and learn instead of guessing. Studies show that people who think they know everything often make mistakes (Dunning & Kruger, 1999). Staying quiet until you know the facts makes you look smarter and helps avoid spreading wrong information.

5. When You Need to Think

Silence is good for your mind. Meditation and quiet time can help reduce stress and make you feel better (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). Taking time to think and reflect can help you make better decisions and understand your feelings.

6. When Silence Can Prevent a Fight

Sometimes, saying nothing is the best way to stop a fight from getting worse. Studies show that people who stay calm and quiet can help prevent arguments from getting out of control (Bushman, 2002). This works well in school, at home, and in public places.

7. When Words Could Hurt Someone

If your words might hurt someone’s feelings, it may be better to stay quiet. When people are sad or going through a hard time, they may not need advice—they just need someone to listen (Neimeyer, 2001). Sometimes, silence is the best way to show kindness.

Silence isn’t just the absence of words—it’s a powerful way to think, listen, and stay out of trouble. Whether you’re in an argument, learning something new, or dealing with a tough situation, knowing when to stay quiet can make life better.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S Executive Director | Clinical Social Worker | Community Advocate For more than two decades, John S. Collier has dedicated his career to strengthening individuals, families, and communities through compassionate behavioral healthcare, leadership, and advocacy. As the founder and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, he has played a significant role in expanding access to mental health, case management, and community-based support services throughout Eastern Kentucky. A graduate of the University of Kentucky College of Social Work, Mr. Collier earned his Master of Social Work degree in 2004 and subsequently became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Throughout his career, he has remained committed to serving individuals across the lifespan, including children, adolescents, adults, older adults, couples, and families. Professional Leadership As Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, Mr. Collier oversees a growing multidisciplinary behavioral health organization providing outpatient therapy, targeted case management, positive behavior support services, and community-based supports. He also maintains clinical and supervisory responsibilities, serving in multiple leadership and professional capacities within the organization, including clinical supervision, positive behavior support, staff development, program development, and community outreach. His professional work includes: Clinical psychotherapy and behavioral health treatment Positive Behavior Support planning and consultation Clinical supervision and staff development Community mental health advocacy Program development and organizational leadership Behavioral assessment and intervention planning Service coordination for individuals with complex behavioral and developmental needs Clinical Philosophy Mr. Collier’s clinical philosophy centers on treating the whole person rather than merely addressing symptoms. He utilizes evidence-based approaches while emphasizing dignity, respect, empowerment, and individualized treatment planning. His work incorporates cognitive-behavioral principles, trauma-informed care, person-centered planning, family involvement, and strengths-based interventions designed to help individuals reach their fullest potential. He is particularly passionate about increasing access to behavioral healthcare in rural communities and ensuring individuals receive services that are practical, meaningful, and tailored to their unique strengths and needs. Community Involvement Beyond his clinical work, Mr. Collier has demonstrated a strong commitment to community engagement throughout his career. His efforts have included public education, outreach initiatives, advocacy for mental health awareness, and collaboration with schools, healthcare providers, and community organizations. He believes strong communities are built when mental health services are accessible, stigma is reduced, and individuals are empowered to succeed. Author, Educator, and Advocate In addition to his clinical and leadership roles, Mr. Collier has contributed to professional and community discussions through writing and education. Publicly available information indicates that he has been a published author in areas related to mental health, Freemasonry, and poetry. His work reflects a commitment to personal growth, community service, and the advancement of behavioral health knowledge. Personal Values Throughout his professional journey, Mr. Collier has remained grounded in the core values of social work: service, integrity, competence, dignity and worth of every person, the importance of human relationships, and social justice. Colleagues, clients, and community partners know him for his commitment to helping others achieve meaningful and lasting change while fostering an environment of compassion, respect, and accountability. This dedication continues to guide both his leadership and clinical practice today. Contact Information Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC 202 West 7th Street Suite 200 London, Kentucky 40741 Phone: (606) 657-0532 Ext. 101

References

  • Brownell, J. (2012). Listening: Attitudes, Principles, and Skills (5th ed.). Pearson.
  • Bushman, B. J. (2002). “Reducing Aggression: The Benefits of Delaying Retaliatory Responses.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(5), 867-877.
  • Dressler, J. (2019). Understanding Criminal Law (8th ed.). Carolina Academic Press.
  • Dunning, D., & Kruger, J. (1999). “Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One’s Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(6), 1121-1134.
  • Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.
  • Gross, J. J. (2002). “Emotion Regulation: Affective, Cognitive, and Social Consequences.” Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291.
  • Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. Hyperion.
  • Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning Reconstruction and the Experience of Loss. American Psychological Association.
Marriage and Happiness

Marriage is often idealized as the pinnacle of love and fulfillment—a fairy-tale ending where happiness is guaranteed. The idea that marriage is a ticket to perpetual joy, however, is a misguided notion that sets couples up for disappointment. While happiness is an important component of a healthy marriage, entering into matrimony with the sole purpose of achieving personal happiness is a fundamentally flawed premise. True marital satisfaction comes from commitment, mutual growth, and shared purpose rather than the fleeting emotion of happiness.

Happiness is Not a Constant State

One of the greatest misconceptions about marriage is that it will sustain perpetual happiness. However, research in psychology suggests that happiness is a fluctuating emotional state influenced by numerous factors, including individual well-being, life circumstances, and external stressors (Lyubomirsky, 2007). Expecting a spouse to provide continual happiness places undue pressure on the relationship, often leading to dissatisfaction when reality does not match expectations.

Studies indicate that while marriage can contribute to overall well-being, the “honeymoon phase” of heightened happiness typically fades within the first two years (Lucas et al., 2003). Once the initial excitement subsides, couples who entered marriage seeking continuous joy may feel disillusioned, mistaking normal relationship challenges as signs of incompatibility or failure.

Marriage Requires Effort, Not Just Emotion

Sustainable, long-term marriages are not built on transient feelings but on mutual effort and resilience. The work of Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher, emphasizes that successful relationships depend on factors such as emotional attunement, conflict resolution skills, and shared meaning (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Couples who focus solely on personal happiness often neglect the foundational aspects of a relationship, such as communication, compromise, and commitment.

Instead of seeing marriage as a source of happiness, couples should approach it as a partnership where both individuals strive to build a fulfilling life together. This perspective aligns with findings that marital satisfaction is linked to a shared sense of purpose and emotional support rather than just romantic bliss (Finkel et al., 2014).

Marriage is About Giving, Not Just Receiving

A marriage centered on individual happiness can quickly devolve into a transactional relationship, where each partner evaluates whether they are getting enough personal satisfaction. This mindset undermines the essence of marriage, which thrives on giving rather than just receiving. Research shows that acts of generosity and selflessness within a marriage contribute to deeper satisfaction and long-term stability (Algoe et al., 2010).

When individuals enter marriage with a self-focused mindset, they may struggle with the inevitable sacrifices and compromises that come with a shared life. True marital fulfillment arises when partners prioritize mutual growth, emotional intimacy, and a shared vision rather than individual gratification.

Happiness is a Byproduct, Not the Goal

When marriage is approached with the understanding that happiness is a byproduct of commitment rather than the primary objective, couples are more likely to build enduring relationships. Happiness in marriage stems from deep connection, shared experiences, and the ability to navigate life’s challenges together. Expecting marriage to provide happiness without effort is like expecting a garden to flourish without watering and tending to it.

Instead of asking, “Will marriage make me happy?” a more constructive question is, “Am I ready to commit, grow, and build a life with this person?” When happiness is viewed as a natural consequence of a healthy relationship rather than the sole reason for getting married, couples are better prepared for the realities of a lifelong partnership.

If the primary reason for getting married is to be happy, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Happiness is not a permanent state but a byproduct of commitment, mutual support, and shared purpose. A fulfilling marriage requires effort, resilience, and a willingness to grow together, rather than expecting one’s partner to be a constant source of joy. Those who enter marriage with the right mindset—one of dedication and mutual enrichment—are far more likely to experience lasting satisfaction and a deeper, more meaningful connection.

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S Executive Director | Clinical Social Worker | Community Advocate For more than two decades, John S. Collier has dedicated his career to strengthening individuals, families, and communities through compassionate behavioral healthcare, leadership, and advocacy. As the founder and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, he has played a significant role in expanding access to mental health, case management, and community-based support services throughout Eastern Kentucky. A graduate of the University of Kentucky College of Social Work, Mr. Collier earned his Master of Social Work degree in 2004 and subsequently became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Throughout his career, he has remained committed to serving individuals across the lifespan, including children, adolescents, adults, older adults, couples, and families. Professional Leadership As Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, Mr. Collier oversees a growing multidisciplinary behavioral health organization providing outpatient therapy, targeted case management, positive behavior support services, and community-based supports. He also maintains clinical and supervisory responsibilities, serving in multiple leadership and professional capacities within the organization, including clinical supervision, positive behavior support, staff development, program development, and community outreach. His professional work includes: Clinical psychotherapy and behavioral health treatment Positive Behavior Support planning and consultation Clinical supervision and staff development Community mental health advocacy Program development and organizational leadership Behavioral assessment and intervention planning Service coordination for individuals with complex behavioral and developmental needs Clinical Philosophy Mr. Collier’s clinical philosophy centers on treating the whole person rather than merely addressing symptoms. He utilizes evidence-based approaches while emphasizing dignity, respect, empowerment, and individualized treatment planning. His work incorporates cognitive-behavioral principles, trauma-informed care, person-centered planning, family involvement, and strengths-based interventions designed to help individuals reach their fullest potential. He is particularly passionate about increasing access to behavioral healthcare in rural communities and ensuring individuals receive services that are practical, meaningful, and tailored to their unique strengths and needs. Community Involvement Beyond his clinical work, Mr. Collier has demonstrated a strong commitment to community engagement throughout his career. His efforts have included public education, outreach initiatives, advocacy for mental health awareness, and collaboration with schools, healthcare providers, and community organizations. He believes strong communities are built when mental health services are accessible, stigma is reduced, and individuals are empowered to succeed. Author, Educator, and Advocate In addition to his clinical and leadership roles, Mr. Collier has contributed to professional and community discussions through writing and education. Publicly available information indicates that he has been a published author in areas related to mental health, Freemasonry, and poetry. His work reflects a commitment to personal growth, community service, and the advancement of behavioral health knowledge. Personal Values Throughout his professional journey, Mr. Collier has remained grounded in the core values of social work: service, integrity, competence, dignity and worth of every person, the importance of human relationships, and social justice. Colleagues, clients, and community partners know him for his commitment to helping others achieve meaningful and lasting change while fostering an environment of compassion, respect, and accountability. This dedication continues to guide both his leadership and clinical practice today. Contact Information Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC 202 West 7th Street Suite 200 London, Kentucky 40741 Phone: (606) 657-0532 Ext. 101

References

  • Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisel, N. C. (2010). It’s the Little Things: Everyday Gratitude as a Booster Shot for Romantic Relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217–233.
  • Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The Suffocation of Marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow Without Enough Oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 1–41.
  • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
  • Lucas, R. E., Clark, A. E., Georgellis, Y., & Diener, E. (2003). Reexamining Adaptation and the Set Point Model of Happiness: Reactions to Changes in Marital Status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(3), 527–539.
  • Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Penguin.