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Becoming Better: The Daily Work of a Good Man

“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
— Albert Pine (often attributed to Albert Pike)

As I’ve gotten older, I have found myself thinking more about what kind of man I am and what kind of man I want to become.

Not because I think I have everything figured out.

Actually, it is the opposite.

The more I learn, the more I realize how much I still need to grow.

Every day, I try to be a better man than I was yesterday. And if I’m honest, that can be hard. Some days I do well. Other days I fall short. I lose my patience. I become frustrated. I make mistakes. I say things I wish I could take back.

But then I wake up the next morning and try again.

For me, that is what being a moral man looks like.

It is not being perfect.

It is being committed to growing.

The Man in the Mirror

Every morning, the first person I have to answer to is the man in the mirror.

I can fool other people. I can make excuses. I can blame circumstances.

But deep down, I know when I could have done better.

I know when I should have listened more.

I know when I should have shown more patience.

I know when I should have chosen courage instead of comfort.

The struggle is not with other people nearly as much as it is with myself.

The person I am competing with today is the person I was yesterday.

What Really Matters

As the Executive Director of a growing behavioral health organization, I spend much of my life helping people. I work with individuals who are struggling, families who are hurting, children who need support, and staff members who are trying to make a difference.

The longer I do this work, the more I realize something important.

People will not remember most of our titles.

They will not remember how many meetings we attended.

They will not remember how much money we made.

But they will remember how we treated them.

They will remember whether we showed up when they needed us.

They will remember whether we cared.

That is why Albert Pine’s quote speaks so deeply to me.

Everything I do for myself will eventually be gone.

But the people I help, the encouragement I give, the kindness I show, and the lives I touch may continue long after I am gone.

A Good Man Is Never Finished

One lesson life has taught me is that becoming a good man is never a completed project.

There is always room to improve.

I can become a better father.

A better leader.

A better friend.

A better partner.

A better listener.

A better example.

There is always another lesson to learn and another weakness to overcome.

For many men, that can feel discouraging.

I see it differently.

I believe it is a gift.

If I still have room to grow, then I still have purpose.

The Quiet Things Matter Most

Many people think a legacy is built by doing something famous.

I do not believe that.

I believe most legacies are built in ordinary moments.

A father staying up late to help his child.

A husband keeping his promises.

A friend answering the phone when someone is hurting.

A man doing the right thing when nobody is watching.

These moments may never make headlines.

But they shape lives.

In my work, I have met many people who can clearly remember a teacher, coach, parent, counselor, or mentor who changed their life with a few simple words or actions.

That is the power of doing good for others.

Small acts often leave the biggest footprints.

Why We Keep Trying

The world can be difficult.

There are days when being kind feels harder than being angry.

There are days when honesty costs us something.

There are days when doing the right thing seems unnoticed.

Yet good men keep trying.

We keep trying because character matters.

We keep trying because our children are watching.

We keep trying because the people around us deserve our best.

We keep trying because we know the world becomes a little better every time someone chooses integrity over selfishness.

A moral man does not always succeed.

But he refuses to quit trying.

The Immortal Part of a Man

One day, every one of us will leave this world.

Our jobs will be filled by someone else.

Our belongings will belong to someone else.

Our accomplishments will slowly fade into history.

But something remains.

The love we gave.

The lives we helped.

The wisdom we shared.

The people we encouraged.

The sacrifices we made for others.

That is the immortal part of a man.

Not the things he owned.

The lives he touched.

Conclusion

When I think about Albert Pine’s quote, I am reminded that the goal is not simply to have a successful life.

The goal is to have a meaningful one.

I do not want to be remembered for what I accumulated.

I want to be remembered for what I contributed.

Like many men, I am still a work in progress. I still stumble. I still learn. I still have days when I am not the man I want to be.

But every morning, I get another chance.

Another chance to be a little wiser.

A little kinder.

A little stronger.

A little better than I was yesterday.

And if I can help someone else along the way, then perhaps a small part of my life will continue living in the lives of others.

That is the kind of immortality worth striving for.

“The goal is not to become a perfect man. The goal is to become a better man today than you were yesterday and a better man tomorrow than you are today.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, and author of The Mind’s Trestle Board. Through his work in behavioral health, leadership, and writing, he explores personal growth, resilience, character development, and the daily pursuit of becoming the person we were created to be.

References

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.

Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Free Press.

Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics.

Pine, A. (attributed). “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”

Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health proudly supports Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Why Men Often Fall Asleep After Intimacy: The Science of Feeling Safe, Relaxed, and Connected

For many couples, it is a familiar scene: moments after intimacy, one partner is ready to talk while the other is drifting off to sleep. Although this stereotype is often portrayed in jokes and movies, there is actually a fascinating biological explanation behind it. The tendency for many men to become sleepy after intimacy is not usually a sign of disinterest or emotional withdrawal. Rather, it is often the result of several powerful brain chemicals working together to create feelings of relaxation, satisfaction, and safety.

More Than Just Physical Exhaustion

Many people assume that men fall asleep after intimacy simply because they are physically tired. While physical exertion can contribute, the explanation goes much deeper. During intimacy and emotional closeness, the brain releases a combination of hormones and neurotransmitters that encourage relaxation, reduce stress, and promote bonding.

Three of the most important chemicals involved are:

  1. Oxytocin
  2. Prolactin
  3. Dopamine (followed by a natural reduction after peak release)

Together, these chemicals create a biological environment that encourages calmness, emotional security, and sleep.

1. Oxytocin: The Bonding Hormone

Oxytocin is often called the “love hormone” or “bonding hormone.” It is released during moments of trust, affection, physical touch, and emotional connection.

When oxytocin levels rise, people often experience:

  • Increased feelings of trust
  • Greater emotional closeness
  • Reduced stress and anxiety
  • Lower blood pressure
  • A sense of calm and safety

For many men, oxytocin contributes to a feeling that they can finally let their guard down. The body’s stress-response system quiets, muscles relax, and the mind shifts away from vigilance and toward rest.

In a way, oxytocin tells the brain:

“You are safe. You are connected. You can relax now.”

2. Prolactin: The Relaxation Chemical

Prolactin is one of the least discussed but most important chemicals involved in post-intimacy sleepiness.

Following intimacy, prolactin levels naturally increase. Researchers believe prolactin contributes to feelings of:

  • Satisfaction
  • Fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Relaxation
  • Sleepiness

Interestingly, elevated prolactin levels are associated with the transition from arousal back to a resting state. Think of prolactin as the body’s way of helping someone move from high levels of excitement into a period of recovery and restoration.

Many scientists believe prolactin plays a significant role in why men often become drowsy afterward.

3. Dopamine: The Reward Chemical

Dopamine is often referred to as the brain’s “reward neurotransmitter.”

Before and during intimacy, dopamine levels increase substantially. This creates anticipation, motivation, pleasure, and excitement.

However, once the experience is complete, dopamine naturally declines toward baseline levels.

This shift can create a feeling similar to what happens after completing a major project, winning a competition, or achieving a long-sought goal.

The brain essentially says:

“Mission accomplished.”

As dopamine levels settle, relaxation often follows. Combined with the effects of oxytocin and prolactin, the body moves from energized engagement to peaceful rest.

The Forgotten Factor: Emotional Safety

While hormones and neurotransmitters are important, another element is often overlooked:

Feeling Safe

Many men carry significant stress throughout the day.

Responsibilities involving:

  • Work
  • Family
  • Finances
  • Relationships
  • Personal expectations

can keep the nervous system in a heightened state of alertness.

Moments of genuine emotional and physical connection can create a temporary space where those defenses are lowered. A man who feels accepted, loved, and emotionally secure may experience a profound reduction in stress.

When the body no longer feels the need to remain on guard, sleep can come quickly.

In clinical terms, the nervous system shifts away from the “fight-or-flight” response and toward the parasympathetic nervous system, often called the “rest-and-digest” system.

This state promotes:

  • Relaxation
  • Digestion
  • Recovery
  • Bonding
  • Sleep

What It Does Not Mean

One of the most common misunderstandings occurs when a partner interprets post-intimacy sleepiness as emotional distance.

In reality, a man falling asleep afterward does not necessarily mean:

  • He is bored.
  • He is emotionally detached.
  • He is not interested in conversation.
  • He is taking his partner for granted.

Often, it means exactly the opposite.

The combination of oxytocin, prolactin, and dopamine shifts can create a powerful sense of contentment and security. For many men, sleep is not a sign of withdrawal but a sign that the body feels safe enough to fully relax.

A Note About Individual Differences

Not every man experiences this response, and many women experience similar effects. Biology varies from person to person.

Factors such as:

  • Age
  • Health
  • Stress levels
  • Sleep deprivation
  • Hormonal differences
  • Relationship quality

can all influence how someone responds after intimacy.

The important takeaway is that these reactions are influenced by both biology and emotional connection.

Final Thoughts

The tendency for many men to fall asleep after intimacy is not merely a stereotype. It is rooted in a complex interaction of neurochemistry and human attachment. Oxytocin promotes bonding and safety, prolactin encourages relaxation and satisfaction, and dopamine gradually settles after the brain’s reward system has been activated.

When these biological processes occur within a trusting relationship, the result can be a profound sense of peace. The body relaxes, stress decreases, emotional walls come down, and sleep often follows.

Far from indicating disinterest, post-intimacy sleepiness may actually be one of the body’s ways of saying:

“I feel safe. I feel connected. I am finally able to rest.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. He is the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board and writes about mental health, relationships, human behavior, resilience, and personal growth. Through his work, he seeks to bridge clinical knowledge with everyday life experiences, helping readers better understand themselves and the people they love.

References

Brody, S., & Krüger, T. H. C. (2006). The post-orgasmic prolactin increase following intercourse is greater than following masturbation and suggests greater satiety. Biological Psychology, 71(3), 312-315.

Carter, C. S. (2014). Oxytocin pathways and the evolution of human behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 65, 17-39.

Diamond, L. M. (2004). Emerging perspectives on distinctions between romantic love and sexual desire. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 13(3), 116-119.

Levine, S. B. (2003). The nature of sexual desire: A clinician’s perspective. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32(3), 279-285.

Uvnäs-Moberg, K. (1998). Oxytocin may mediate the benefits of positive social interaction and emotions. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 23(8), 819-835.

The Modern Man’s Burden

Ten Struggles Good Men Face in Today’s World

“The burden of a good man is rarely visible. It is carried in early mornings, late nights, silent worries, and decisions made for the benefit of others.”

Introduction

Despite what social media, movies, and modern culture often portray, most men are not trying to become rich, famous, powerful, or admired. Most men are simply trying to do right by the people they love.

They are showing up for work. They are paying bills. They are trying to be faithful husbands, present fathers, dependable friends, ethical leaders, and responsible citizens. They are doing their best to keep promises, carry responsibility, and maintain their integrity in a world that often feels increasingly complicated.

Yet many good men find themselves silently struggling.

Not because they lack character.

Not because they lack motivation.

But because the challenges facing men today are often invisible.

The good man frequently carries burdens that others rarely see.

This article serves as the introduction to a ten-part series exploring some of the most common struggles morally grounded men face in today’s society. While every man’s experience is unique, these challenges often appear repeatedly in counseling offices, conversations among friends, and quiet moments of self-reflection.

The Changing Landscape of Manhood

For thousands of years, cultures generally provided men with a clear understanding of what was expected of them. While these expectations were not always healthy or fair, they were often straightforward.

Today, many men find themselves navigating conflicting messages.

They are told to be strong but vulnerable.

Confident but humble.

Providers but fully available.

Leaders but never authoritative.

Emotionally expressive but never overwhelming.

Ambitious but never too ambitious.

The result is often confusion.

Many men genuinely want to do the right thing but struggle to understand what “the right thing” looks like in a rapidly changing world.

Research consistently suggests that men experience significant challenges related to loneliness, mental health, social connection, and identity (American Psychological Association, 2018; U.S. Surgeon General, 2023).

The reality is that many good men are carrying far more than they reveal.

The Ten Struggles We Will Explore

1. The Lonely Burden of Being Strong

Many men feel responsible for carrying the emotional and financial weight of their families. They become everyone’s source of support while often lacking support themselves.

2. The Crisis of Male Friendship

As men age, meaningful friendships often become increasingly difficult to maintain. Many discover that they have people around them but very few people they can truly talk to.

3. Providing in a World Where Enough Is Never Enough

The pressure to earn more, achieve more, and provide more can leave even successful men feeling inadequate.

4. The Good Man’s Struggle With Anger

Anger is often one of the few emotions society permits men to express openly. Beneath that anger are frequently fear, grief, disappointment, shame, and exhaustion.

5. The Temptation of Escapism

When stress becomes overwhelming, many men retreat into work, technology, sports, entertainment, alcohol, or other distractions rather than confronting the pain they carry.

6. Leading a Family Without Losing Yourself

The responsibilities of husbandhood, fatherhood, and leadership can sometimes cause men to lose touch with their own needs, dreams, and identities.

7. The Fear of Failure

Many capable and accomplished men secretly believe they are one mistake away from disappointing those who depend on them.

8. What Society Tells Men Versus What Men Actually Need

Modern culture often gives conflicting messages about masculinity, leaving many men unsure of how to define themselves.

9. Why Good Men Stay in Toxic Situations

Loyalty is an admirable trait, but some men remain in unhealthy relationships, jobs, or circumstances long after they should have established boundaries.

10. The Quiet Search for Purpose

Even after achieving career success, financial stability, or family goals, many men continue searching for deeper meaning and significance.

What This Series Is Not

This series is not about blaming women.

It is not about politics.

It is not about culture wars.

It is not about claiming that men have it harder than anyone else.

Every group faces unique struggles.

Instead, this series seeks to acknowledge an often-overlooked reality: good men face challenges too.

Their struggles deserve compassion, understanding, and attention.

Recognizing those struggles does not diminish anyone else’s suffering. It simply creates room for honest conversations about what many men experience every day.

The Importance of Talking About Men’s Struggles

Many men are taught from an early age that expressing struggle is weakness.

As a result, problems often remain hidden until they become crises.

Depression is ignored.

Burnout is normalized.

Loneliness is dismissed.

Relationships deteriorate.

Purpose fades.

The burden grows heavier.

The strongest men are not necessarily those who carry everything alone. The strongest men are often those who possess the courage to acknowledge their struggles and seek support when necessary.

Authentic strength is not silence.

Authentic strength is honesty.

Conclusion

Behind many good men is a story few people fully understand.

A story of sacrifices made quietly. Responsibilities carried faithfully. Fears hidden carefully. And hopes held tightly despite uncertainty. The modern man’s burden is not weakness.

It is often evidence of love, duty, responsibility, and commitment.

But burdens become lighter when they are understood.

Over the coming weeks, we will take a closer look at each of these ten struggles, exploring not only the challenges themselves but practical paths toward resilience, connection, purpose, and emotional well-being.

Because good men should not have to carry life’s heaviest burdens alone.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC and author of The Mind’s Trestle Board. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, he has spent years helping individuals and families navigate mental health challenges, relationships, personal growth, resilience, and the search for meaning. His writing combines psychological insight, practical wisdom, and compassion to help readers better understand themselves and the people around them.

References

American Psychological Association. (2018). Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men. American Psychologist, 73(9), 1193-1207.

Murthy, V. H. (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. U.S. Surgeon General Advisory. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Pleck, J. H. (1995). The Gender Role Strain Paradigm: An Update. In R. F. Levant & W. S. Pollack (Eds.), A New Psychology of Men. Basic Books.

Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Random House.

Seidler, Z. E., Dawes, A. J., Rice, S. M., Oliffe, J. L., & Dhillon, H. M. (2016). The Role of Masculinity in Men’s Help-Seeking for Depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 106-118.