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When Your Heart Wants Them Back but Your Mind Knows Better:

Understanding the Battle Between Emotion and Logic After Heartbreak

Article Three: Part of the Healing After Heartbreak Series

Your Phone Lights Up

Your phone vibrates. For just a second, your heart races.

“Maybe it’s them.”

You reach for your phone almost before your mind has time to think. But it isn’t. It’s a weather alert. Or a friend. Or an advertisement. Your heart sinks just as quickly as it leaped. Then, almost immediately, another thought appears.

  • “Maybe I should text them.”
  • “Maybe enough time has passed.”
  • “Maybe they’ve changed.”

Your mind quietly reminds you why the relationship ended. Your heart answers, “Yes…but I still miss them.” If you’ve ever felt like your heart and your mind were arguing with each other, you’re not alone. This internal battle is one of the most common experiences after the end of a meaningful relationship.

Why Do I Feel This Way?

Many people believe that if they know a relationship was unhealthy, they shouldn’t miss the other person. Unfortunately, emotions don’t work that way. Love is more than a decision. It is also a collection of memories, routines, hopes, dreams, habits, and emotional bonds that were built over time.

When a relationship ends, those bonds do not disappear overnight. Your logical mind may understand that the relationship needed to end. Your emotional brain is still adjusting to the loss. That isn’t weakness. It’s part of being human.

Research has shown that romantic attachment shares many characteristics with other forms of attachment. When those attachments are broken, the brain often continues seeking closeness even after the relationship has ended (Fisher, Brown, Aron, Strong, & Mashek, 2010).

Your Brain Loves Familiar

Imagine you’ve driven the same road to work every morning for five years. One day, the road closes. Even though you know it is closed, you may still find yourself turning toward it out of habit. Relationships create similar emotional pathways. You became used to hearing their voice. Sharing good news. Sending funny memes. Talking before bed. Planning weekends. Your brain became familiar with that routine.

Now the routine is gone. The longing you feel is not always a sign that the relationship was right. Sometimes it is simply a sign that the relationship was familiar.

Missing Someone Doesn’t Always Mean You Should Go Back

This is one of the hardest truths to accept. You can deeply miss someone……and still know they were not good for you. Both things can be true. Consider these examples:

  • A person may miss someone who constantly criticized them.
  • Someone may long for an ex who repeatedly broke their trust.
  • A person may miss the companionship of a relationship even though they were unhappy most of the time.

Missing someone is evidence that you loved. It is not evidence that returning is the healthiest choice.

A Real-Life Example

Imagine a woman named Sarah who spent eight years with someone she loved deeply. Over time, the relationship became filled with broken promises, constant arguments, and emotional distance. When they finally separated, Sarah knew it was the right decision.

Yet every evening around six o’clock she reached for her phone. Not because anything had changed. Because for eight years, six o’clock was when they talked about their day. Her heart missed the routine. Her mind remembered the reality.

Healing required learning to create a new evening routine rather than returning to an unhealthy relationship simply because the old one felt familiar.

Love Can Leave an Echo

Think about walking through a canyon. You shout once. The sound continues long after you’ve stopped speaking. Relationships can leave emotional echoes. You may hear a song. Drive past a favorite restaurant. See someone wearing their favorite color. Smell a familiar perfume or cologne. Suddenly, your heart feels as if the breakup happened yesterday. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means memories are connected to your senses. Over time, those echoes become quieter.

Signs Your Heart and Mind Are Disagreeing

You might notice thoughts like these:

Your Heart Says:

  • “I miss them.”
  • “I just want one more conversation.”
  • “Maybe this time will be different.”
  • “I still love them.”

Your Mind Says:

  • “Remember why it ended.”
  • “You deserve consistency.”
  • “Love should not require constant suffering.”
  • “Missing someone isn’t the same as needing them.”

Learning to listen to both—and letting wisdom guide your decisions—is part of emotional maturity.

Therapist’s Note

One of the greatest acts of self-respect is refusing to confuse loneliness with compatibility. There are moments when your heart will ask you to go back simply because moving forward feels unfamiliar. Give your heart compassion. But let your values steer your life.

What You Can Do

The next time you feel the urge to reach out to someone you know is unhealthy for you, pause before acting. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Do I miss this person, or do I miss having someone?
  • Am I remembering the whole relationship or only the good moments?
  • If nothing about this person changed, would I still choose this relationship?
  • Am I looking for healing or temporary relief?

Then write your answers down. Sometimes seeing your thoughts on paper helps your emotions catch up with what your mind already knows.

Build a New Routine

One of the healthiest ways to quiet emotional longing is to replace old routines with new ones. Instead of checking your phone every evening:

  • Go for a walk.
  • Read for twenty minutes.
  • Call a friend.
  • Learn a new hobby.
  • Spend time in prayer or meditation.
  • Exercise.
  • Journal about your progress.

You are not simply filling time. You are teaching your brain that life continues.

Final Thoughts

There may come a day when you think about them and smile instead of cry. Not because they came back. But because you finally came back to yourself. Healing is not forgetting someone who mattered. Healing is remembering yourself enough to stop chasing what continues to hurt you. Your heart may take longer than your mind. That’s okay. Walk at the pace of healing, not the pace of loneliness.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. With more than 25 years of experience in behavioral health, trauma, grief, and relationship counseling, he has helped individuals understand the connection between emotions, thoughts, and healthy decision-making. His goal is to make psychological concepts practical, hopeful, and accessible for people navigating life’s most difficult seasons.

References

Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., & Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51–60.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Love, Loss, and the Space Between: Stop Avoiding Pain and Start Living Your Life. Hay House.

Series Reminder

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means carrying yesterday without letting it steal tomorrow.

Being Intentional and Productive During Divorce Recovery

Divorce is not merely a legal process; it is a profound psychological, emotional, and identity-based transition. Research consistently shows that divorce ranks among the most stressful life events, often comparable to bereavement or serious illness (Holmes & Rahe, 1967). While the pain of divorce is unavoidable, prolonged suffering is not inevitable. Recovery becomes more adaptive—and ultimately more healing—when individuals approach this season with intentionality and purpose rather than avoidance or emotional paralysis.

Understanding Divorce as a Transition, Not a Failure

One of the most significant barriers to recovery is the tendency to frame divorce solely as a personal failure. This narrative fuels shame, rumination, and identity collapse. Contemporary psychological models instead conceptualize divorce as a life transition that disrupts routines, roles, and attachment bonds (Amato, 2010). When individuals reframe divorce as a transition requiring adjustment—not a verdict on their worth—they are better positioned to engage in productive healing behaviors.

Intentional recovery begins with acknowledging loss while resisting the urge to remain psychologically anchored in the past. This balance allows grief to be processed without becoming one’s permanent emotional residence.

The Role of Intentionality in Emotional Healing

Intentionality refers to making deliberate, values-driven choices rather than reacting solely to emotional distress. Following divorce, emotions often fluctuate rapidly—anger, sadness, relief, fear, and loneliness may coexist. Without intentional structure, individuals may default to maladaptive coping strategies such as isolation, substance use, rebound relationships, or excessive rumination (Sbarra & Emery, 2005).

Intentional recovery involves:

  • Setting boundaries with the former spouse
  • Creating predictable daily routines
  • Choosing behaviors aligned with long-term well-being rather than short-term relief

Research on self-regulation and coping demonstrates that purposeful goal-setting during periods of stress improves emotional stability and resilience (Baumeister & Vohs, 2007).

Productivity as a Stabilizing Force

Productivity during divorce recovery does not mean relentless busyness or emotional suppression. Instead, it involves engaging in meaningful activities that restore a sense of competence, agency, and identity. Studies indicate that mastery-oriented activities—such as learning new skills, maintaining employment, or pursuing health goals—can counteract the helplessness often experienced after relational loss (Bandura, 1997).

Productive behaviors that support recovery include:

  • Rebuilding physical health through exercise and sleep hygiene
  • Establishing financial literacy and independence
  • Engaging in purposeful work or service
  • Developing new personal or professional goals

These actions help regulate mood, rebuild confidence, and create forward momentum during a time that often feels stagnant.

Reconstructing Identity After Divorce

Divorce frequently dismantles shared identity—roles such as spouse, partner, or co-parent may change abruptly. Identity reconstruction is a central task of recovery (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002). Intentional individuals actively explore who they are becoming rather than clinging to who they were.

This process may involve reassessing values, redefining boundaries, and clarifying personal beliefs about relationships, trust, and commitment. Therapeutic research shows that individuals who engage in reflective meaning-making following divorce experience greater long-term psychological growth (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003).

Avoiding the Trap of Emotional Avoidance

Productivity must not become a mechanism for emotional avoidance. Suppressing grief or anger often prolongs distress rather than resolving it. Healthy recovery requires alternating between action and reflection—doing the work of daily life while allowing space for emotional processing.

Mindfulness-based and acceptance-oriented approaches emphasize acknowledging pain without allowing it to dictate behavior (Hayes et al., 2006). This balance enables individuals to move forward without denying the emotional reality of their experience.

Being intentional and productive during divorce recovery is not about rushing healing or minimizing loss. It is about choosing to engage with life in ways that foster stability, growth, and self-respect while grief runs its natural course. Divorce changes a person’s life, but it does not have to define the rest of it. Through deliberate choices, meaningful action, and reflective growth, recovery can become not just an ending—but a turning point.

This article was written by John S, Collier, MSW, LCSW-S. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the Social Work field. He currently serves as the Executive Director and Outpatient Behavioral Health Therapist for Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health in London Kentucky. He may be reached by phone at (606) 657-0532 and by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 650–666. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00723.x

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. New York, NY: Freeman.

Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2007). Self-regulation, ego depletion, and motivation. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 1(1), 115–128. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2007.00001.x

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes, and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006

Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.

Holmes, T. H., & Rahe, R. H. (1967). The social readjustment rating scale. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 11(2), 213–218. https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-3999(67)90010-4

Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213–232. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00112.x

Tashiro, T., & Frazier, P. (2003). “I’ll never be in a relationship like that again”: Personal growth following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 113–128. https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.00039

I

What Is Overparenting?

Overparenting is a pattern of parenting in which a caregiver provides developmentally inappropriate levels of control, monitoring, problem-solving, and “help” that limits a child’s chances to build autonomy and coping skills. Researchers often describe it as excessive directiveness and involvement that goes beyond what the child needs at their age or stage. (guilfordjournals.com)

You’ll also hear overparenting discussed as “helicopter parenting” (hovering and intervening quickly) and sometimes “lawnmower/snowplow parenting” (removing obstacles before the child encounters them). In research, these terms commonly point to the same general issue: too much parental management, too little child agency. (PMC)

What Overparenting Looks Like in Real Life

Overparenting isn’t the same as being warm, involved, or protective. It’s more about how involvement is delivered—especially when it replaces a child’s learning opportunities.

Common signs include:

  • Solving problems the child could reasonably solve (calling teachers/coaches/bosses to fix issues, negotiating consequences, managing conflicts for them) (apa.org)
  • Over-monitoring and micromanaging daily routines, schoolwork, friendships, or activities beyond what’s age-appropriate (Wiley Online Library)
  • Overprotecting from normal risk and discomfort (not allowing failure, discomfort, or independent decision-making) (PMC)
  • Excessive tangible help (doing tasks for the child—executive functioning “scaffolding” that never fades) (guilfordjournals.com)

Why Overparenting Happens

Overparenting is usually driven by good intentions and real pressure, not selfishness. Common contributors include:

  • Parent anxiety and fear (about safety, achievement, social standing, or future stability) (guilfordjournals.com)
  • Cultural and economic pressures that frame childhood as high-stakes and competitive (sometimes called “intensive parenting”) (OUP Academic)
  • A mismatch between a child’s needs and the parent’s support level (support doesn’t gradually step back as skills grow) (guilfordjournals.com)

What the Research Says About Potential Impacts

Research findings are nuanced (and many studies are correlational), but the overall pattern is consistent: higher overparenting/helicopter parenting is often associated with weaker adjustment and well-being, especially in adolescence and emerging adulthood.

Mental health and distress

A systematic review of helicopter parenting studies found that most included studies reported relationships with higher anxiety and/or depression symptoms (noting that many studies are cross-sectional and can’t prove direction of cause). (PMC)

Autonomy, self-efficacy, and adjustment

The APA summarized research suggesting that overcontrolling parenting can interfere with children’s ability to adjust in school and social settings and may be linked with poorer functioning when kids must manage independently. (apa.org)

Family communication and satisfaction

Research has also linked overparenting with lower-quality parent–child communication and indirect effects on family satisfaction. (Wiley Online Library)

Emerging adulthood outcomes

Classic work in this area has reported associations between helicopter parenting and poorer psychological well-being in college-aged samples. (Taylor & Francis Online)

Important nuance: Some parental involvement is healthy and protective. The risk tends to increase when support becomes controlling, intrusive, or prevents normal independence-building. (PMC)

Overparenting vs. Healthy Support: A Simple Rule

A practical way to distinguish healthy involvement from overparenting:

  • Healthy support: “I’ll help you think this through, then you try.”
  • Overparenting: “I’ll handle this so you don’t struggle.”

The goal isn’t to step back emotionally—it’s to step back operationally as the child’s capacity grows. (guilfordjournals.com)

How to Reduce Overparenting Without Becoming Hands-Off

Evidence-informed strategies that align with what researchers emphasize about autonomy and development:

  1. Shift from rescuing to coaching
    Ask: “What’s your plan?” “What are two options?” “What’s the next small step?”
  2. Use “fade-out” support
    Provide structure early, then gradually remove it as competence increases.
  3. Normalize safe failure
    Let children experience manageable consequences and discomfort—this is how coping grows. (OUP Academic)
  4. Check your anxiety channel
    If your urge to intervene spikes, pause and ask: “Is this about my fear or their need?” (Parent anxiety is commonly discussed as a driver.) (guilfordjournals.com)
  5. Keep warmth high, control appropriate
    Connection protects; overcontrol can backfire. Aim for support + autonomy, not one or the other. (PMC)

This article was written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S.  Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the Social Work field.  He currently service as the Executive Director and Outpatient Therapist at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health in London Kentucky.  He may be reached by phone at (606) 657-0532 or by email at john@sekybh.com.

References

  • American Psychological Association (APA). (2018). Helicopter parenting may negatively affect children’s behavior and mental health, study suggests. (apa.org)
  • Lawson, D. W. (2025). Extended parental care and the evolution of overparenting. (OUP Academic)
  • LeMoyne, T., & Buchanan, T. (2011). Does “hovering” matter? Helicopter parenting and its effect on well-being. (Taylor & Francis Online)
  • Segrin, C., Woszidlo, A., Givertz, M., & Montgomery, N. (2012). The association between overparenting, parent–child communication, and family satisfaction. (Wiley Online Library)
  • Segrin, C., Woszidlo, A., Givertz, M., & Montgomery, N. (2013). Parent and child traits associated with overparenting. (guilfordjournals.com)
  • Vigdal, J. S., & Brønnick, K. (2022). A systematic review of “helicopter parenting” and its associations with mental health and adjustment. (PMC)
Five Good Ways to Relax

Relaxation is essential for maintaining mental, emotional, and physical well-being. In today’s fast-paced world, finding ways to unwind can be challenging, but it is crucial for stress reduction, mental clarity, and overall health. This article explores five effective ways to relax, supported by research and expert advice.

1. Mindful Meditation

Mindful meditation is one of the most powerful techniques for relaxation. It involves focusing your attention on the present moment, often through controlled breathing, and acknowledging thoughts or sensations without judgment. Research has shown that meditation reduces stress, improves concentration, and fosters a sense of calm.

A study published in Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging found that regular meditation can actually change the brain, increasing gray matter in areas associated with learning, memory, and emotional regulation (Hölzel et al., 2011). By taking just 10-20 minutes a day to practice mindfulness, individuals can experience significant reductions in anxiety and stress.

Mindfulness meditation can be practiced anywhere, whether it’s in a quiet room, at work, or even during a walk. Apps like Headspace and Calm have made it easier to get started with guided meditation sessions for beginners and experienced practitioners alike.

2. Exercise

Physical activity is a highly effective way to relax the body and mind. Whether it’s running, yoga, swimming, or even walking, exercise triggers the release of endorphins—natural chemicals in the brain that act as stress relievers. Exercise also reduces the body’s levels of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), regular physical activity can significantly improve mood, reduce anxiety, and combat the negative effects of stress (APA, 2013). For instance, yoga, a form of exercise that combines physical movement with breathing techniques, has been shown to reduce stress and enhance overall well-being. A study published in the Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine found that yoga reduces cortisol levels and can lead to a reduction in perceived stress (Ross et al., 2013).

Engaging in just 30 minutes of physical activity a few times a week can have profound effects on relaxation and overall mental health.

3. Reading

Reading for pleasure is an excellent way to relax, especially when you get absorbed in a good book. When reading a novel or engaging content, the mind gets a break from daily worries and stressors. Research has shown that reading can reduce stress levels significantly in a short period.

A study from the University of Sussex found that reading for just six minutes can lower stress levels by up to 68%, making it a more effective stress-relief activity than listening to music, drinking tea, or taking a walk (Lewis, 2009). Reading transports the brain into a different world, giving your mind an opportunity to rest and rejuvenate.

Fiction, self-help, and even poetry are good genres to consider when choosing reading material for relaxation. The key is to choose something that interests and engages you.

4. Deep Breathing Exercises

Deep breathing is one of the simplest yet most effective relaxation techniques. By focusing on slow, deep breaths, the body’s parasympathetic nervous system is activated, which helps counteract the “fight or flight” stress response.

Dr. Herbert Benson, a pioneer in the field of mind-body medicine, developed a technique called the “relaxation response,” which emphasizes deep breathing as a way to induce a state of calm and reduce stress (Benson, 1975). This response involves sitting quietly, closing your eyes, and breathing deeply while repeating a word or phrase to yourself, creating a peaceful, meditative state.

One of the most common techniques is “4-7-8 breathing,” which involves inhaling for four seconds, holding the breath for seven seconds, and exhaling slowly for eight seconds. This method has been shown to slow heart rate and promote a sense of relaxation.

5. Spending Time in Nature

Spending time outdoors, whether walking in a park, hiking in the mountains, or simply sitting by a body of water, can have profound effects on relaxation and mental well-being. Nature exposure reduces stress, improves mood, and can even lower blood pressure.

A study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that spending as little as 20 minutes in a natural setting can significantly lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol (Hunter et al., 2019). The calming effect of nature, often referred to as “forest bathing” or “shinrin-yoku” in Japan, has been extensively studied for its ability to promote relaxation and improve mental health.

The sounds of nature, fresh air, and greenery provide a peaceful environment that helps reduce the mental and physical toll of stress. Even a short walk in a park or garden can be enough to reset your mind and reduce anxiety.

Conclusion

Relaxation is vital for maintaining a balanced and healthy lifestyle. By incorporating mindful meditation, regular exercise, reading, deep breathing exercises, and spending time in nature into your daily routine, you can significantly reduce stress and improve your overall well-being. Each of these methods is supported by scientific research and provides effective, accessible ways to unwind and recharge.

This article was written by John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW. Mr. Collier has over 25 years of experience in the social work field. He currently serves as the executive Director and practitioner at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral health based out of London, Kentucky. John may be reached at 606-657-0532 extension 101 or by email at John @SEKYBH.com.

References

• American Psychological Association (2013). Exercise Fuels Mental Health. Retrieved from APA.

• Benson, H. (1975). The Relaxation Response. William Morrow and Company.

• Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Vangel, M., Congleton, C., Yerramsetti, S. M., Gard, T., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36-43.

• Hunter, M. R., Gillespie, B. W., & Chen, S. Y. P. (2019). Urban Nature Experiences Reduce Stress in the Context of Daily Life Based on Salivary Biomarkers. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 722.

• Lewis, D. (2009). Galaxy Stress Research. Mindlab International, University of Sussex.

• Ross, A., Thomas, S. (2013). The Health Benefits of Yoga and Exercise: A Review of Comparison Studies. Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 16(1), 3-12.