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From Victim to Survivor: Reclaiming the Life That Was Never Theirs to Take

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There is a difference between being a victim and living permanently from the frame of mind of a victim.

If someone abused you, betrayed you, abandoned you, assaulted you, neglected you, manipulated you, or harmed you, you may have truly been a victim.

That is a fact.

Calling yourself a survivor does not change the facts. It does not make what happened smaller. It does not excuse the person who hurt you.

It changes something else.

It changes who gets to write the next chapter.

A victim asks:

“Look what they did to me.”

A survivor eventually learns to ask:

“What am I going to do with my life now?”

That may sound like a small difference.

It isn’t.

It may be one of the most important changes that happens during healing.

First, There Is No Shame in Being a Victim

Before talking about a “victim mindset,” we need to be extraordinarily careful with our words.

A person who has experienced trauma may feel afraid, angry, powerless, suspicious, overwhelmed, or emotionally numb. These responses should not automatically be interpreted as weakness or a character problem.

SAMHSA describes trauma as experiences that can have lasting effects on a person’s mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It also emphasizes that people respond to traumatic experiences differently. Strong support and resilient qualities can influence how someone responds. Likewise, the American Psychological Association recognizes that trauma can have long-lasting psychological and physical consequences, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, dissociation, and other difficulties. So when someone has been badly hurt, telling them to “stop acting like a victim” can be cruel and clinically misguided.

There are times when surviving is enough.

Getting through the day is enough.

Staying safe is enough.

Getting out of bed is enough.

But there may eventually come a point when survival asks something more of us.

The question changes from:

“What happened to me?”

to:

“What happens next?”

The Victim Frame of Mind

The victim frame of mind is not simply sadness about something painful.

It occurs when the injury becomes the lens through which a person begins interpreting much of life.

Something terrible happened to me.

Therefore:

  • I am powerless.
  • People cannot be trusted.
  • My life will always be this way.
  • There is nothing I can do.
  • Someone else must change before I can heal.
  • My past determines my future.
  • What was taken from me can never be rebuilt.
  • Because I was hurt, I will always be broken.

These beliefs are understandable after trauma.

But understandable does not necessarily mean helpful forever.

One particularly important example is avoidance. VA National Center for PTSD explains that wanting to avoid reminders of trauma is common, but relying heavily on avoidance can worsen PTSD symptoms and make moving forward more difficult. A coping strategy that once helped you survive can eventually become the wall preventing you from living.

That is one of trauma’s cruel contradictions.

The Survivor Frame of Mind

The survivor does not pretend the wound never happened.

The survivor learns to carry the scar without allowing the scar to become an identity.

The survivor can say:

Yes, that happened.

Yes, it hurt me.

Yes, I have wounds from it.

No, it was not fair.

No, I did not deserve it.

And yes, I still have a life to live.

Research on resilience after trauma examines precisely this question: how people adapt following profoundly difficult experiences and how resilience can be fostered after trauma. Survival is therefore not denial.

It is not saying:

“It didn’t hurt.”

It is saying:

“It hurt, and I am still here.”

Victim Thinking Says, “They Have the Power.”

Survivor thinking says:

“I have choices.”

Perhaps you could not choose what happened.

You can choose what you do today.

You can choose whether to ask for help.

You can choose your boundaries.

You can choose whom you allow close to you.

You can choose whether to continue treatment.

You can choose whether the people who wounded your past are permitted to control your future.

Trauma-informed care itself recognizes the importance of safety, trust, collaboration, empowerment, voice, and choice in recovery. SAMHSA identifies these ideas among the central principles of trauma-informed approaches. That word matters:

Choice.

Trauma frequently involves losing control.

Recovery often involves discovering where control still exists.

“Why Did This Happen to Me?”

Nearly everyone who has suffered deeply has asked some version of this question.

Why me?

Why did they do it?

Why didn’t someone protect me?

Why didn’t I see it?

Why didn’t I leave sooner?

Why didn’t anyone believe me?

Those questions deserve compassion.

But there is another question that can eventually become more useful:

“Given that this happened, who do I want to become now?”

That question cannot rewrite yesterday.

It can begin changing tomorrow.

Survivors Learn the Difference Between Responsibility and Blame

This may be the hardest concept in the entire journey.

You are not necessarily responsible for what happened to you.

But you eventually become responsible for what you do with what happened to you.

Those are completely different statements.

If someone injured you, responsibility for that action belongs to that person.

Healing belongs to you.

That may feel terribly unfair.

It often is.

Sometimes another person creates the wound while you are left doing the work of repairing it.

But refusing to heal until the person who hurt you makes everything right can leave your future tied to the very person who harmed your past.

Your healing does not need their permission.

Your recovery does not require their understanding.

Your future does not require their apology.

Accountability matters. Justice matters. Acknowledgment matters. In fact, the American Psychological Association recognizes the potential importance of acknowledgment, apology, redress, and restitution in trauma recovery. But your life cannot always remain suspended while waiting for those things.

How Do You Become the Survivor?

There is no switch that suddenly changes someone from victim to survivor.

Healing tends to be a process.

Some days you may feel strong.

The next day, something may trigger an old wound and make you feel as though you have gone backward.

You haven’t necessarily failed.

Here are several places to begin.

1. Tell the Truth About What Happened

Survivorship doesn’t begin by minimizing the past.

It begins with truth.

It happened.

It hurt.

It affected me.

You do not have to defend the person who hurt you.

You do not have to rewrite history to make other people comfortable.

Healing requires honesty.

And sometimes that honesty needs to happen with a qualified mental health professional rather than alone.

2. Stop Making the Wound Your Identity

Notice the enormous difference between these statements:

“I experienced abuse.”

and

“I am damaged.”

Or:

“Someone betrayed me.”

and

“I am unlovable.”

An event is not an identity.

Trauma can influence identity development, and researchers continue to study the relationship between trauma exposure and identity. What happened may always be part of your story.

It does not have to become your entire definition.

You are more than the worst thing someone ever did to you.

3. Identify What You Still Control

Take a sheet of paper and make two columns.

I Cannot Control

  • What happened yesterday
  • What another person thinks
  • Whether someone admits wrongdoing
  • Whether someone apologizes
  • Whether everyone understands my story
  • Another person’s choices

I Can Influence or Control

  • What I do today
  • Whether I ask for help
  • My boundaries
  • Many of my daily choices
  • Whose advice I seek
  • Whether I participate in treatment
  • How I respond when old patterns appear
  • What kind of person I am trying to become

Spend less energy fighting the first list.

Invest more energy in the second.

That is where your power lives.

4. Recognize Avoidance

Avoidance can feel like safety.

Sometimes it is appropriate to avoid genuine danger. But avoiding every thought, emotion, place, relationship, or reminder associated with what happened is different.

The VA National Center for PTSD notes that emotional and behavioral avoidance can interfere with recovery and that effective PTSD treatments can help people learn to cope with trauma-related thoughts and feelings. The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs has similarly developed recovery materials specifically focused on identifying problematic avoidance behaviors and gradually changing behaviors that keep people stuck in trauma recovery. Courage does not mean never being afraid.

Sometimes courage is simply deciding:

“Fear is present, but fear is no longer making every decision.”

5. Build Boundaries Instead of Walls

Trauma may teach:

Never trust anybody again.

Healing teaches something more sophisticated:

Learn who has earned your trust.

A wall keeps everyone outside.

A boundary has a gate.

A survivor learns when to open it, when to close it, and who receives a key.

6. Allow Yourself to Receive Help

Being a survivor does not mean doing everything alone.

Actually, refusing every form of help can sometimes keep people isolated.

SAMHSA emphasizes safety, peer support, trust, collaboration, and empowerment as important elements within trauma-informed approaches. Help may include professional counseling, trusted friends and family, support groups, medical care, community resources, or spiritual support according to your beliefs and circumstances.

Strength isn’t proving that you need nobody.

Sometimes strength is finally admitting:

“I don’t have to carry all of this by myself.”

7. Give Yourself Permission to Have a Future

Trauma keeps pulling the mind backward.

Healing gradually teaches it to look forward again.

Make plans.

Set a goal.

Learn something.

Build something.

Reconnect carefully.

Create new routines.

Find something meaningful enough that tomorrow becomes more than another day spent thinking about yesterday.

This does not dishonor what happened.

It demonstrates that what happened did not win.

Forgiveness Is Not the Price of Admission

People are sometimes told that they cannot heal unless they forgive the person who hurt them.

I would be careful with that message.

Forgiveness may be deeply meaningful for some people, especially within their spiritual beliefs. But forgiveness should not be confused with denying harm, restoring an unsafe relationship, abandoning boundaries, or removing accountability.

You can heal while still saying:

“What you did was wrong.”

You can move forward without pretending it never happened.

You can have compassion and boundaries at the same time.

Survival Is Not Becoming Who You Were Before

Perhaps this is where we sometimes misunderstand recovery.

After something profound happens, you may never become exactly the person you were before.

That doesn’t automatically mean something has been lost forever.

Perhaps the goal isn’t to go backward.

Perhaps it is to move forward.

Wiser.

More discerning.

More compassionate.

Better acquainted with your boundaries.

More aware of your strength.

More intentional about the life you build.

Resilience research has increasingly examined not merely whether people endure trauma, but how resilience may be fostered following it. The goal isn’t to become untouched.

It is to become unowned by what touched you.

The Day You Become a Survivor

There may never be a ceremony.

Nobody hands you a certificate.

You probably won’t wake up one morning completely free from every painful memory.

Instead, the transformation may happen quietly.

One day you realize you haven’t thought about it for several hours.

Then perhaps an entire day.

You recognize a trigger and choose a different response.

You establish a boundary you once believed you couldn’t establish.

You stop explaining yourself to somebody committed to misunderstanding you.

You ask for help.

You laugh again without feeling guilty.

You make plans.

You love again.

You hope again.

And somewhere along the way, your vocabulary changes.

You stop saying:

“This is who I am because of what they did.”

And begin saying:

“This is who I am becoming despite what happened.”

That is the difference.

The victim’s story is centered around what was done.

The survivor’s story acknowledges what was done but slowly turns toward what comes next.

Conclusion: Take Back the Pen

You cannot erase pages that have already been written.

Some pages may contain things you wish had never happened.

Some contain loss.

Others contain betrayal, fear, grief, humiliation, abandonment, or pain.

There is no wisdom in pretending those pages aren’t there.

Read them when you need to.

Grieve them.

Talk about them.

Learn from them.

Get professional help working through them when necessary.

But eventually, remember something extraordinarily important:

There are blank pages after them.

And those pages still belong to you.

Being a survivor does not mean saying, “It didn’t hurt me.”

It means being able to say:

“It hurt me. It changed me. There were days when I didn’t know whether I could carry it anymore. But I am still here, and what happened to me will not be given the authority to decide everything that happens next.”

You didn’t choose every chapter.

But you can still take back the pen.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has included years of work with individuals and families experiencing mental health concerns, trauma, behavioral challenges, relationship difficulties, developmental disabilities, and complicated life transitions.

He earned his bachelor’s degree and became a Certified Social Worker in 2004 before continuing his education and professional development in clinical social work. He became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in 2010 and later earned the credential of Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor.

As Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, Collier works in behavioral health leadership, clinical services, organizational development, community-based behavioral supports, and advocacy for individuals and families throughout southeastern Kentucky.

He is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he writes about mental health, relationships, masculinity, family, morality, personal responsibility, faith, emotional growth, and the difficult process of becoming a better version of ourselves. His writing often draws from the intersection of clinical experience, human behavior, personal reflection, and the belief that people should never be reduced to the worst moment of their lives.

References

American Psychological Association. (2024). Individual, collective, and intergenerational trauma recovery: Considering the restorative roles of restitution and reparations.

American Psychological Association. Nugent, N. R., Sumner, J. A., & Amstadter, A. B. (2014). Resilience after trauma: From surviving to thriving. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 5.

PubMed Central. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2026). Trauma and violence: What is trauma and its effects? SAMHSA.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2023). Practical guide for implementing a trauma-informed approach. SAMHSA.

Truskauskaite-Kuneviciene, I., Brailovskaia, J., Kamite, Y., Petrauskaite, G., Margraf, J., & Kazlauskas, E. (2020). Does trauma shape identity? Exploring the links between lifetime trauma exposure and identity status in emerging adulthood. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 570644.

PubMed Central. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. (2026). Avoidance. National Center for PTSD. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, South Central MIRECC. (2022). An active approach to recovering from trauma: Breaking the cycle of safety aids and avoidance. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.

Getting Triggered: Taking Responsibility for Your Reactions

Your Trigger Is Your Responsibility

The phrase“I got triggered” has become increasingly common in modern conversations. People use it to describe intense emotional reactions to something another person said, did, or failed to do. While emotional triggers are real and deserve attention, there is an important truth that is often overlooked: your emotional trigger is your responsibility, not someone else’s.

This does not mean other people are always right, kind, or considerate. It does not mean hurtful behavior should be excused. Rather, it means that while external events may activate an emotional response, you remain responsible for how you interpret, manage, and respond to that reaction.

Emotional triggers are often connected to unresolved experiences, personal beliefs, fears, insecurities, past trauma, or deeply held expectations. According to the Cleveland Clinic, emotional triggers are situations, events, thoughts, or interactions that provoke intense emotional reactions that may be disproportionate to the present event because they are connected to past experiences. [health.cle…clinic.org]

A trigger is not proof that someone else caused your emotions. Instead, it is often evidence that something within you requires examination, healing, or growth.

Understanding the Difference Between Cause and Responsibility

A useful distinction exists between cause and responsibility.

Someone may say something rude. That statement may act as a catalyst for anger. However, the emotional reaction that follows belongs to the individual experiencing it.

Many people spend years blaming family members, coworkers, former partners, friends, or society for their emotional pain. While others may influence our experiences, remaining trapped in blame often prevents healing.

When responsibility is surrendered, personal power is surrendered as well.

Consider these examples:

  • Someone criticizes your work, and you become enraged.
  • A friend does not text back quickly, and you become anxious.
  • A spouse disagrees with you, and you immediately become defensive.
  • A coworker receives recognition, and you become resentful.

The external event occurred. However, the intensity of the emotional response often reflects an internal issue that deserves attention.

As psychologist Susan Albers notes, emotional triggers often function as “knee-jerk reactions” connected to prior emotional wounds, pain, or stressful experiences rather than the present situation alone. [health.cle…clinic.org]

Why Blaming Others Keeps You Stuck

Blame can feel empowering in the moment because it removes responsibility from ourselves. Unfortunately, it also removes our ability to create lasting change.

When your happiness depends on other people changing, you remain powerless. When your peace depends on others behaving perfectly, you remain trapped. When your emotional well-being depends upon controlling the behavior of everyone around you, you are fighting a battle you cannot win. Personal accountability allows you to move from:

  • Victimhood to ownership
  • Reactivity to intentionality
  • Resentment to growth
  • Helplessness to empowerment

Self-awareness is a foundational component of emotional intelligence. Research and psychological theory indicate that self-awareness helps individuals recognize emotions, understand behavioral patterns, and make more intentional choices. [positiveps…hology.com], [dictionary.apa.org]

Signs That You May Be Operating From a Trigger

You may be reacting from a trigger when:

  • Your emotional response feels much larger than the event itself.
  • You repeatedly experience the same conflicts.
  • You immediately become defensive.
  • You struggle to calm yourself after an interaction.
  • You replay conversations repeatedly in your mind.
  • You frequently blame others for how you feel.
  • You find yourself saying things you later regret.

Recognizing these signs is not a reason for shame. It is an opportunity for growth.

Eight Steps to Take Ownership of Your Triggers

1. Pause Before Reacting

Strong emotions create urgency. Triggers often convince us that immediate action is necessary.

Instead:

  • Stop.
  • Take several deep breaths.
  • Create distance between feeling and action.

Even a brief pause allows the thinking parts of the brain to engage before impulsive behavior occurs. Naming and observing emotions can strengthen emotional regulation and reduce reactivity. [apa.org], [scienceinsights.org]

2. Identify What You Are Feeling

Many people only recognize anger.

However, underneath anger may be:

  • Fear
  • Shame
  • Rejection
  • Insecurity
  • Embarrassment
  • Loneliness
  • Disappointment

Ask yourself:

“What am I actually feeling right now?”

Awareness creates choice.

3. Ask, “Why Does This Affect Me So Strongly?”

Instead of focusing on the other person’s behavior, focus inward.

Questions to consider:

  • What belief was activated?
  • What fear was touched?
  • What memory does this remind me of?
  • Why does this matter so much to me?

This shift transforms the experience from blame to self-discovery.

4. Separate Facts From Stories

The event and the story you tell yourself about the event are not the same thing.

Example:

Fact: Someone interrupted you.

Story: They do not respect me.

The emotional reaction usually attaches itself to the story, not merely the event. Challenge assumptions and consider alternative explanations before reacting.

5. Own Your Emotional Experience

Practice saying:

  • “I feel hurt.”
  • “I feel anxious.”
  • “I feel angry.”
  • “I am responsible for how I respond.”

Avoid statements such as:

  • “You made me angry.”
  • “You ruined my day.”
  • “You caused my anxiety.”

Others influence us, but they do not control our responses.

6. Develop Healthy Coping Skills

The National Institutes of Health recommends evidence-based wellness practices that help individuals manage emotional stress and build resilience, including mindfulness, physical activity, social support, adequate sleep, gratitude practices, and healthy self-care routines. [nih.gov], [nimh.nih.gov]

Helpful coping strategies include:

MindfulnessLearn to observe emotions without immediately reacting.
Deep BreathingSlow breathing helps calm the body’s stress response.
JournalingWriting allows emotions to be processed instead of suppressed.
ExercisePhysical activity helps regulate mood and reduce stress.
MeditationMeditation increases emotional awareness and self-control.
TherapyProfessional support can help uncover deeper emotional patterns.
Social SupportHealthy relationships provide perspective and encouragement. [apa.org], [nih.gov]

7. Reframe the Trigger as a Teacher

Instead of asking: “Why did they do this to me?”

Ask: “What is this reaction teaching me about myself?”

Every trigger contains information. It may point toward:

  • An insecurity
  • An unmet need
  • A fear
  • A limiting belief
  • An unresolved wound

Growth begins when curiosity replaces blame.

8. Practice Accountability Daily

Accountability is a skill. Each day ask yourself:

  • What triggered me today?
  • How did I respond?
  • What could I have done differently?
  • What lesson did I learn?

Over time these reflections strengthen emotional resilience and self-awareness.

Conclusion

Being triggered is part of the human experience. Everyone encounters situations that evoke strong emotions. The presence of a trigger is not a character flaw, nor is it proof that someone else is responsible for your emotional state. Healing begins when we stop viewing triggers as evidence of other people’s failures and start viewing them as opportunities for self-examination and growth.

You may not be responsible for every experience that shaped you, but you are responsible for how you manage your reactions today. The moment you stop blaming others for your triggers is the moment you begin reclaiming your power. You are not responsible for what happened to you in the past. You are responsible for what you do with it now. Growth occurs when accountability becomes stronger than blame, and self-awareness becomes stronger than reactivity.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S Executive Director | Clinical Social Worker | Community Advocate For more than two decades, John S. Collier has dedicated his career to strengthening individuals, families, and communities through compassionate behavioral healthcare, leadership, and advocacy. As the founder and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, he has played a significant role in expanding access to mental health, case management, and community-based support services throughout Eastern Kentucky. A graduate of the University of Kentucky College of Social Work, Mr. Collier earned his Master of Social Work degree in 2004 and subsequently became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Throughout his career, he has remained committed to serving individuals across the lifespan, including children, adolescents, adults, older adults, couples, and families. Professional Leadership As Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, Mr. Collier oversees a growing multidisciplinary behavioral health organization providing outpatient therapy, targeted case management, positive behavior support services, and community-based supports. He also maintains clinical and supervisory responsibilities, serving in multiple leadership and professional capacities within the organization, including clinical supervision, positive behavior support, staff development, program development, and community outreach. His professional work includes: Clinical psychotherapy and behavioral health treatment Positive Behavior Support planning and consultation Clinical supervision and staff development Community mental health advocacy Program development and organizational leadership Behavioral assessment and intervention planning Service coordination for individuals with complex behavioral and developmental needs Clinical Philosophy Mr. Collier’s clinical philosophy centers on treating the whole person rather than merely addressing symptoms. He utilizes evidence-based approaches while emphasizing dignity, respect, empowerment, and individualized treatment planning. His work incorporates cognitive-behavioral principles, trauma-informed care, person-centered planning, family involvement, and strengths-based interventions designed to help individuals reach their fullest potential. He is particularly passionate about increasing access to behavioral healthcare in rural communities and ensuring individuals receive services that are practical, meaningful, and tailored to their unique strengths and needs. Community Involvement Beyond his clinical work, Mr. Collier has demonstrated a strong commitment to community engagement throughout his career. His efforts have included public education, outreach initiatives, advocacy for mental health awareness, and collaboration with schools, healthcare providers, and community organizations. He believes strong communities are built when mental health services are accessible, stigma is reduced, and individuals are empowered to succeed. Author, Educator, and Advocate In addition to his clinical and leadership roles, Mr. Collier has contributed to professional and community discussions through writing and education. Publicly available information indicates that he has been a published author in areas related to mental health, Freemasonry, and poetry. His work reflects a commitment to personal growth, community service, and the advancement of behavioral health knowledge. Personal Values Throughout his professional journey, Mr. Collier has remained grounded in the core values of social work: service, integrity, competence, dignity and worth of every person, the importance of human relationships, and social justice. Colleagues, clients, and community partners know him for his commitment to helping others achieve meaningful and lasting change while fostering an environment of compassion, respect, and accountability. This dedication continues to guide both his leadership and clinical practice today. Contact Information Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC 202 West 7th Street Suite 200 London, Kentucky 40741 Phone: (606) 657-0532 Ext. 101

References

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Emotion-Focused Coping. APA Dictionary of Psychology. Retrieved from APA Dictionary of Psychology. [dictionary.apa.org]

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Emotions. Retrieved from the American Psychological Association. [apa.org]

American Psychological Association. (2018). Emotional Intelligence. APA Dictionary of Psychology. [dictionary.apa.org]

American Psychological Association. (2024). Healthy Ways to Handle Life’s Stressors. American Psychological Association. [apa.org]

Cleveland Clinic. (2024). Can You Identify Your Emotional Triggers? Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials. [health.cle…clinic.org]

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Managing Difficult Emotions. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. [cdc.gov]

National Institute of Mental Health. (2025). Caring for Your Mental Health. National Institutes of Health. [nimh.nih.gov]

National Institutes of Health. (2026). Emotional Wellness Toolkit. National Institutes of Health. [nih.gov]

Positive Psychology. (2025). Using Self-Awareness Theory and Skills in Psychology. PositivePsychology.com. [positiveps…hology.com]

When Anger Meets Puberty: Understanding the preteen and young teenage – Boy

One of the most challenging periods for many families occurs when a boy enters puberty. Parents often describe feeling as though their once cheerful, affectionate child has become easily frustrated, argumentative, explosive, or emotionally distant seemingly overnight. While anger is not an inevitable part of adolescence, increased irritability and emotional intensity are common during the transition from childhood to adolescence. Understanding why this happens can help parents respond effectively and preserve a healthy relationship with their son.

Understanding What Is Happening

Around age 11 to 13, boys experience significant biological, emotional, and social changes. Testosterone levels increase, physical changes begin to emerge, and the brain undergoes substantial restructuring. During this period, the emotional centers of the brain develop more rapidly than the areas responsible for judgment, impulse control, and emotional regulation (Steinberg, 2014; National Institute of Mental Health, 2023).

As a result, a 12-year-old boy may experience emotions much more intensely than he did as a child while simultaneously lacking the skills needed to manage those emotions effectively. What appears to be defiance or disrespect may actually be emotional overwhelm.

Puberty can also create feelings of confusion and insecurity. Boys may worry about their appearance, athletic abilities, academic performance, friendships, or fitting in socially. Many boys have difficulty expressing vulnerable emotions such as embarrassment, fear, disappointment, sadness, or anxiety. Instead, these emotions are often expressed through irritability or anger (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2024).

Why Anger Often Becomes the “Go-To” Emotion

Anger is frequently referred to as a “secondary emotion.” This means it often covers more vulnerable feelings underneath.

For example:

  • A boy who feels embarrassed may become angry.
  • A boy who feels rejected may become angry.
  • A boy who feels anxious may become angry.
  • A boy who feels powerless may become angry.

Many boys grow up receiving social messages that it is acceptable to show anger but not acceptable to show sadness, fear, or emotional pain. Consequently, anger becomes the emotion they know how to display most readily (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).

When parents focus only on stopping the angry behavior without exploring the feelings underneath, opportunities for connection and growth may be missed.

Signs That Anger May Be Related to Puberty

Normal developmental anger may include:

  • Increased irritability
  • Mood swings
  • Arguing more frequently
  • Frustration with rules
  • Emotional overreactions
  • Needing more privacy
  • Greater sensitivity to criticism

However, parents should seek professional support if anger is accompanied by:

  • Physical aggression
  • Threats of harm to self or others
  • Property destruction
  • Significant changes in sleep or appetite
  • Persistent depression
  • School refusal
  • Substance use
  • Social withdrawal
  • Self-harming behaviors

These signs may indicate underlying mental health concerns requiring assessment and intervention (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2024).

What Parents Can Do to Help

1. Stay Calm During Emotional Storms

One of the most powerful tools a parent possesses is emotional regulation. When parents become angry in response to a child’s anger, the situation often escalates.

Instead of saying:

“Calm down right now!”

Try saying:

“I can see you’re really upset. Let’s talk when you’re ready.”

A calm response helps the adolescent nervous system begin to settle. Children often borrow emotional regulation from the adults around them before they develop it themselves (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).

2. Look Beyond the Behavior

When a child becomes angry, ask yourself:

  • What happened before this?
  • Is he hurt?
  • Is he embarrassed?
  • Is he feeling left out?
  • Is he worried about something?

Understanding the underlying emotion does not excuse inappropriate behavior, but it does help address the true problem.

3. Teach Emotional Vocabulary

Many boys simply lack the language to describe their emotional experiences.

Help them identify feelings such as:

  • Frustrated
  • Disappointed
  • Nervous
  • Embarrassed
  • Lonely
  • Left out
  • Overwhelmed

Research demonstrates that helping children name emotions improves emotional regulation and self-awareness (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).

4. Maintain Consistent Boundaries

Empathy and accountability should exist together.

Parents can communicate:

“It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to yell at people.”

Or:

“It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s not okay to punch a wall.”

Children need to know that emotions are always acceptable, but certain behaviors are not.

5. Prioritize Physical Activity

Physical activity has consistently been shown to reduce stress, improve mood regulation, and decrease emotional reactivity among adolescents (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2024).

Encourage activities such as:

  • Basketball
  • Football
  • Hiking
  • Martial arts
  • Strength training
  • Biking
  • Running

Many boys process stress more effectively through movement than through conversation alone.

6. Protect Sleep

Sleep deprivation can significantly worsen irritability, impulsivity, and emotional regulation difficulties.

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine recommends that children aged 6 to 12 receive 9 to 12 hours of sleep per night (Paruthi et al., 2016).

Parents can help by:

  • Limiting electronics before bed
  • Establishing consistent bedtime routines
  • Keeping devices out of bedrooms overnight
  • Maintaining regular sleep schedules

7. Keep Communication Open

Many parents become discouraged when their son gives one-word answers.

Don’t give up.

Instead of asking:

“How was school?”

Try:

“What was the best part of your day?”

Or:

“What was the most annoying thing that happened today?”

Questions that invite discussion often receive better responses.

8. Model Healthy Anger Management

Children learn more from what parents do than from what parents say.

Demonstrate healthy coping strategies:

  • Taking a walk
  • Deep breathing
  • Talking through problems
  • Taking a break before responding
  • Using respectful communication

Your child is constantly learning how to handle big emotions by watching you.

The Importance of Connection

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is assuming that angry behavior means their child no longer needs them. In reality, adolescence is a time of increased independence and increased need for parental support.

A 12-year-old boy may push a parent away verbally while desperately needing reassurance, structure, understanding, and connection.

The goal is not to eliminate anger. Anger is a normal human emotion. The goal is to help children develop the skills necessary to express anger safely, understand its causes, and respond constructively.

With patience, consistency, and support, most boys learn to navigate these difficult years successfully. Parents who remain calm, connected, and emotionally available provide one of the strongest protective factors against future behavioral and emotional difficulties.

Final Thoughts for Parents

If your son is struggling with anger during puberty, remember this: his behavior is communication. Behind the slammed door, the argumentative tone, or the emotional outburst is often a young person trying to make sense of a rapidly changing body, brain, and world.

Meet the emotion before correcting the behavior. Listen before lecturing. Stay connected even when it feels difficult.

The relationship you build during these years can become the foundation that guides your son safely into adulthood.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. With extensive experience in behavioral health, trauma-informed care, child and adolescent mental health, family systems, and organizational leadership, Mr. Collier has dedicated his career to helping children, adolescents, adults, and families navigate life’s challenges while building healthier and more resilient communities.

Throughout his clinical career, Mr. Collier has worked with children and adolescents experiencing emotional and behavioral difficulties, including anxiety, depression, trauma-related disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), oppositional behaviors, anger management concerns, and family relationship challenges. His approach emphasizes understanding the underlying causes of behavior rather than focusing solely on symptoms, helping families develop practical strategies that strengthen communication, emotional regulation, and healthy relationships.

As a clinical supervisor, educator, and advocate for quality behavioral healthcare, Mr. Collier is committed to translating complex psychological and developmental concepts into practical guidance that parents and caregivers can readily understand and implement. His work reflects a belief that informed, supported, and empowered families play a critical role in promoting positive outcomes for children and adolescents.

In addition to his clinical practice and leadership responsibilities, Mr. Collier is the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he regularly writes about mental health, personal growth, resilience, grief, family relationships, child development, and behavioral health topics. His writing combines evidence-based research with real-world clinical experience to provide readers with meaningful insights and actionable strategies.

Through his work, Mr. Collier continues to advocate for compassionate, person-centered care while helping individuals and families build the skills necessary to thrive through life’s challenges and transitions.

“Every behavior tells a story. When we seek to understand the story behind the behavior, we create opportunities for healing, growth, and connection.”
— John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

References

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2024). Anger and children. Retrieved from https://www.aacap.org

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2024). HealthyChildren.org: Understanding puberty and adolescent development. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Physical activity guidelines for children and adolescents. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov

National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). The teen brain: Still under construction. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov

Paruthi, S., Brooks, L. J., D’Ambrosio, C., Hall, W. A., Kotagal, S., Lloyd, R. M., … Wise, M. S. (2016). Recommended amount of sleep for pediatric populations: A consensus statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785-786.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Steinberg, L. (2014). Age of opportunity: Lessons from the new science of adolescence. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

The Mercy of Open Hands: Book 3 of 5 in the Expressions Behind His Silence series released.

From author and licensed clinical social worker John S. Collier comes a powerful new series of books exploring love, loss, faith, emotional healing, and personal growth. With honesty shaped by both professional experience and a life marked by hardship, perseverance, and grace, Collier invites readers to examine the hidden places of the heart. Each book blends practical wisdom with vivid metaphor, offering encouragement to those learning to release the past, rebuild their identity, establish healthier relationships, and trust God through uncertain seasons. This is more than a collection of books—it is a journey from merely surviving life’s storms to discovering the strength, purpose, and peace needed to live fully again.

https://a.co/d/0gTmck1t

Expressions from Behind His Silence: Valume 3: Thwe Mercy of Open Hands

Some endings do not arrive with anger. They arrive with open hands.

The Mercy of Open Hands, Volume Three of the Expressions from Behind His Silence series, follows a man through heartbreak, acceptance, forgiveness, and the difficult grace of release.

Through intimate, reflective poetry, John S. Collier explores what it means to love someone without possessing them, to carry grief without becoming bitter, and to let go without denying that the love was real.

These poems speak to the moment when holding on begins to wound more than losing—and to the quiet courage required to choose peace.

This collection is for anyone learning that surrender is not weakness, forgiveness does not erase the past, and sometimes the most loving thing the heart can do is open its hands.