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When Little Stories Become Big Concerns:

Helping Young Children Learn the Difference Between Imagination and the Truth

Parents expect young children to have wonderful imaginations. A cardboard box becomes a rocket. A stuffed animal talks. A child can turn the backyard into an entire kingdom before lunchtime.

That imagination is a healthy part of childhood. But imagination can become much more complicated when a kindergarten-age child begins telling stories about real people and real events.

A child might tell a teacher: “My daddy is mean to me.”

Another might say: “Mommy hit me.”

Or:

“My uncle got mad and broke my Xbox.”

Perhaps the parent knows that nothing resembling the child’s version of events happened. That can leave parents embarrassed, frightened, angry, or wondering, Why would my child lie about something like that?

Before assuming that a 5-year-old is intentionally trying to deceive someone, parents need to understand what is happening developmentally.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics’ HealthyChildren.org, children younger than 6 can still have difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy. The boundary between something imagined and something that actually happened may not be as clear to a young child as it is to an adult. [healthychildren.org]

Similarly, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry explains that children around ages 4 and 5 commonly make up stories and “tall tales.” This can be a normal developmental behavior because children enjoy storytelling while still learning to separate fantasy from reality. [aacap.org]

So the goal should not simply be“Stop lying.”

The better goal is: Teach the child how to recognize, describe, and communicate what really happened.

Why Would a Young Child Make Up a Story?

There isn’t one answer.

Two children can tell almost identical untrue stories for completely different reasons. Understanding the reason behind the behavior is often more helpful than focusing only on the inaccurate statement.

1. Imagination and reality are still developing

A kindergartener’s imagination can be incredibly vivid.

Suppose Dad turns off the television because it is bedtime. The child becomes angry and later tells the teacher: “My dad was really mean. He screamed at me all night.”

Perhaps Dad did not scream at all. The child’s statement may be less of a calculated accusation and more of an emotional version of events: “I was really mad at Dad.”

The American Psychological Association describes lying as a normal part of childhood development and notes that children’s ability to deceive is connected with developing self-control and understanding another person’s perspective. [apa.org]

Parents therefore have to teach an important distinction: Feelings are always real. Stories about what happened are not always accurate.

A child can truthfully say: “I was really mad at Daddy.”

That is different from saying: “Daddy hit me,” if no hitting occurred.

2. The child may be trying to explain an emotion

Young children do not always have the vocabulary to communicate complicated emotions.

“Mom is mean” might actually mean:

  • “Mom wouldn’t let me stay up.”
  • “Mom made me clean my room.”
  • “Mom took my tablet away.”
  • “Mom said no.”
  • “I was angry with Mom.”

Instead of immediately correcting:

“Your mother is NOT mean!”

try: “It sounds like you were angry with Mom. Tell me what happened.”

Then help the child replace the broad statement with accurate language: “Mom told me I couldn’t play Xbox because it was bedtime, and that made me mad.”

Now the child is learning something much more valuable than simply being told not to lie. The child is learning how to communicate accurately.

3. The story may get attention

Children quickly learn which stories produce reactions. Consider these two statements:

“I played with blocks yesterday.”

and

“My uncle got mad and smashed my Xbox!”

Which statement gets more attention? The second one probably produces questions, surprise, concern, and conversations between adults. Child Mind Institute notes that children can lie for several reasons, including getting attention, testing a new behavior, improving how others see them, avoiding consequences, dealing with anxiety, or responding impulsively. [childmind.org]

If dramatic stories repeatedly create large amounts of adult attention, the child’s storytelling can accidentally be reinforced. That doesn’t mean adults should ignore concerning statements. It means they should respond calmly rather than dramatically.

Always Take Safety Statements Seriously

There is an extremely important distinction parents, teachers, and caregivers must make.

If a child says: “Mommy hit me.”

do not simply answer: “You’re lying.”

Statements involving abuse, inappropriate touching, threats, violence, fear, neglect, or someone hurting the child should be taken seriously and handled using appropriate school, clinical, or child-safety procedures. At the same time, adults should avoid interrogating or repeatedly questioning a young child. A better initial response may be: “Thank you for telling me. Tell me what happened.”

Allow the child to describe the event rather than supplying possibilities. This distinction matters because teaching honesty must never teach children that adults won’t believe them when something genuinely happens.

Other Reasons Children May Tell Untrue Stories

Avoiding consequences

A child knocks over a lamp.

“Who did this?”

“The dog knocked it over.”

Fear of punishment can make denial attractive. The American Academy of Pediatrics specifically identifies fear of disappointing parents or being punished as reasons children may lie. It also warns that extreme parental reactions can make children more likely to use lying as protection. [healthychildren.org]

Wishful thinking

Sometimes children tell the world the way they wish it were.

“We’re getting a puppy tomorrow!”

Nobody is getting a puppy.

The child may simply desperately want one.

Making a boring story exciting

“My uncle accidentally moved my Xbox.”

may become:

“My uncle got mad and threw my Xbox across the room!”

The child’s storytelling ability has developed faster than their understanding of when creative embellishment is appropriate.

Avoiding embarrassment

A child falls at recess and tells classmates:

“Someone pushed me.”

The real problem may be embarrassment rather than dishonesty for personal gain.

Testing cause and effect

Children experiment.

“What happens if I say this?”

Child Mind Institute specifically identifies testing out a new behavior as one reason children lie. [childmind.org]

Don’t Give a Kindergarten Child a Permanent Label

One of the most important things parents can do is separate the child from the behavior.

Avoid: “You’re a liar.”

Instead say: “That story wasn’t what really happened.”

There is an enormous psychological difference. One defines the child’s identity. The other identifies a behavior that can be corrected.

Parents want the child thinking: “I told something that wasn’t true, and I can fix it.”

Not: “I’m a bad kid.”

Child Mind Institute similarly recommends avoiding labels such as “liar” and instead helping children practice truth-telling and giving them opportunities to correct what they said. [childmind.org]

Teach Three Categories: Real, Pretend and Mistake

One simple activity can work particularly well with kindergarten-age children.

Create three categories:

REAL

Something that actually happened. “We went to Grandma’s house Saturday.”

PRETEND

Something imagined for fun. “A dinosaur lives in Grandma’s basement.”

MISTAKE

Something you thought happened but later discovered wasn’t right. “I thought Dad took my toy, but it was under my bed.”

This third category is important. Children need to know that being wrong doesn’t automatically make them dishonest.

Activity: The Truth Detective

Turn learning into a game.

Tell the child several statements:

  • “We ate breakfast this morning.”
  • “An elephant drove me to work.”
  • “You have three hundred brothers.”
  • “We went to the store yesterday.”
  • “A dragon sleeps in our garage.”

Ask:

“Truth, pretend, or mistake?”

Then reverse roles. Let the child create statements and make the adult figure them out. The important rule is: Pretending is wonderful when everybody knows we’re pretending. This allows parents to encourage imagination without confusing imagination with factual communication.

Activity: Let’s Try That Story Again

When a child gives an obviously inaccurate account, avoid immediately launching into a lecture. Give the child an opportunity to correct it.

Child:

“Uncle broke my Xbox.”

Parent:

“Let’s stop and think. Did Uncle really break the Xbox, or are we making up a story?”

If the child admits making it up: “Good job fixing your story. Now tell me what really happened.”

When the child tells the truth: “Thank you. Telling the truth helps me trust what you tell me.”

The correction itself becomes practice.

Give Children Better Words for Their Feelings

Some “lying” problems are really communication problems. Teach replacement phrases.

Instead of: “Daddy is mean!” teach: “I’m mad at Daddy.”

Instead of: “Mommy hates me!” teach: “I’m sad because Mommy told me no.”

Instead of: “My teacher is horrible!” teach: “I didn’t like what my teacher told me to do.”

Instead of: “My brother always beats me up!” teach: “My brother pushed me when we were playing.”

The goal isn’t to tell children what they are allowed to feel. It is teaching them: Say what you feel, and describe what happened accurately.

Create a Family Rule About Honesty

Keep the rule simple enough that a 5-year-old can remember it:

“In our family, it is always safe to tell the truth. We may still have to fix what happened, but telling the truth helps us solve the problem.”

That final part is important. If admitting the truth guarantees an explosive reaction, children have another reason to hide it. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends making clear that truthfulness matters while avoiding harsh punishment. Parents’ own honesty is also an important model for their children. [healthychildren.org]

Praise Truth-Telling, Especially When It Is Difficult

Imagine the child spills juice on the carpet. The child says: “I did it.” The parent might immediately want to talk about the carpet. First recognize honesty: “Thank you for telling me the truth.”

Then address responsibility: “Now let’s clean it up.”

This teaches two different lessons:

  • Honesty earns recognition.
  • Honesty doesn’t erase responsibility.

The child still cleans the mess.

Try a “Truth Reset”

Give a child a brief opportunity to reconsider. “I’m going to give you one minute to think about what really happened. Then we’ll start again.”

Afterward: “Okay. Let’s start over. Tell me what actually happened.”

A reset removes some of the pressure associated with being caught. It also provides practice using self-control before speaking.

Use Books and Stories

Children understand abstract concepts better through concrete examples.

Read a story involving honesty and pause occasionally:

“Was that something that really happened?”

“Why do you think the character said that?”

“How could the character fix it?”

“What could the character say instead?”

You can even make your child the hero of a homemade story:

Once there was a little boy who sometimes had stories pop into his head so quickly that they came out of his mouth before he stopped to decide whether they were real or pretend…

Let the child decide what the character should do next. That turns an uncomfortable behavioral issue into a skill-building exercise.

Parents and Teachers Need the Same Strategy

A kindergarten child spends much of the day away from parents. Consistency among the important adults in the child’s life can therefore make a major difference. Parents can talk privately with the teacher and say:

“We’re working on helping him distinguish between something that really happened, something he imagined, and something he wishes happened. If he tells an unusual story, please take any safety concern seriously, but when appropriate, you can also ask him whether he is telling you something real or telling an imagination story.”

Parents and teachers can use common phrases:

“Is this real, pretend, or something you’re not sure about?”

“Let’s slow down and tell what happened from the beginning.”

“How were you feeling when that happened?”

“Thank you for fixing the story.”

Consistency makes the lesson much easier for the child to learn.

Bring Grandparents, Babysitters and Family into the Plan

Children can become confused when different adults respond dramatically differently.

  • A grandmother may laugh at an exaggerated story.
  • A parent may become angry.
  • A teacher may ask repeated questions.
  • An uncle may say: “Don’t tell lies!”

Everyone has good intentions, but the child receives several different lessons. Instead, create a simple support plan.

The family’s response can be:

1. Stay calm.

2. Listen.

3. Take safety statements seriously.

4. Ask the child to distinguish real from pretend when appropriate.

5. Help the child restate what actually happened.

6. Praise the correction and honesty.

7. Avoid calling the child a liar.

Repeatedly hearing the same message helps the child learn the skill across settings.

Keep a Simple Parent-Teacher Pattern Log

If the behavior happens frequently, parents and teachers can collect information for two or three weeks.

Record:

  • What the child said
  • Where it happened
  • Who was present
  • What happened immediately before it
  • How adults responded
  • What the child appeared to gain or avoid
  • Whether the child corrected the story afterward

Patterns may emerge. For example:

Mostly after correction?
The child may be escaping consequences.

Mostly around peers?
Attention or social approval may be important.

Mostly fantastic stories?
Imagination may be playing a large role.

Mostly during difficult tasks?
Frustration, anxiety, attention or learning concerns could be contributing.

This turns the question from“Why is my child lying?” into the more useful question:

“What problem is this behavior helping my child solve?”

When the Story Is Serious, Don’t Conduct Your Own Investigation

Stories such as:

“Mom hit me.”

“Someone touched me.”

“Daddy said he would hurt me.”

are different from:

“We have twelve puppies at home.”

When potential abuse or safety issues are involved, adults should take the statement seriously and follow appropriate safeguarding procedures. Parents understandably want to determine immediately what happened. But repeated, leading questions can create additional confusion.

A teacher or caregiver can remain calm and listen without suggesting answers. That protects two important principles simultaneously:

Children must know adults will listen when they report something unsafe.

And:

Adults should not turn every unusual kindergarten story into an interrogation.

When Should Parents Seek Professional Help?

Occasional invented stories at kindergarten age are usually very different from a persistent behavioral pattern. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that frequent or elaborate lying can sometimes accompany other emotional or behavioral difficulties and may warrant professional evaluation. [aacap.org]

Child Mind Institute similarly explains that habitual lying becomes more concerning when it causes significant distress or problems in the child’s functioning. [childmind.org]

Consider discussing the behavior with the child’s pediatrician or a licensed child mental-health professional when:

  • false stories become extremely frequent;
  • the behavior is damaging friendships or school functioning;
  • stories consistently involve serious allegations;
  • the child seems unable to distinguish fantasy from reality well beyond what is developmentally expected;
  • lying appears connected with significant anxiety, impulsivity, aggression or learning difficulties;
  • the behavior suddenly changes dramatically;
  • the child experiences significant distress; or
  • parents and teachers are unable to improve the pattern despite consistent intervention.

Professional assessment is not about giving the child the label of “liar.” It is about determining what need the behavior may be communicating.

A Two-Week Honesty Challenge

Families can turn this into a positive exercise. For 14 days, create one daily opportunity to practice honesty.

Day-to-day goals can include:

Days 1-3: Practice “real or pretend?”

Days 4-5: Practice naming feelings accurately.

Days 6-7: Practice telling what happened in the correct order.

Days 8-9: Read stories about honesty.

Days 10-11: Role-play mistakes and telling the truth.

Day 12: Practice a “truth reset.”

Day 13: Have the child teach someone else what honesty means.

Day 14: Celebrate the child’s progress.

Celebrate the skill, not perfection.

“I’m proud that you’re learning how to tell people exactly what happened.”

What Parents Should Remember Most

Kindergarten-age children are still learning something adults take for granted: our words tell other people what happened in the world.

A 5-year-old saying something untrue does not automatically mean that the child is manipulative, dishonest, or developing poor character.

The American Psychological Association describes lying as a normal developmental phenomenon and emphasizes teaching children honesty rather than viewing childhood lying only as misconduct. [apa.org]

Children need adults to teach the difference among:

what happened,

what they felt,

what they imagined,

and

what they wished had happened.

Those are remarkably complicated distinctions for a young mind.

Conclusion

When parents hear that their kindergarten-age child told a teacher, “Dad is mean,” “Mom hit me,” or “Uncle broke my Xbox,” the first reaction may be embarrassment, fear or anger.

Slow down.

Listen.

Take potentially serious disclosures seriously.

Then start teaching.

Don’t merely tell a child,“Don’t lie.”

Teach them how to tell the truth.

Teach the child to describe events accurately. Give them words for difficult feelings. Help them separate imagination from reality. Allow them to correct inaccurate statements. Praise honesty while still requiring accountability. Ask teachers and family members to reinforce the same skills.

Most importantly, create a home in which telling the truth is expected but also emotionally safe. A child’s imagination is something parents should protect. The lesson isn’t to stop children from telling stories.

It is to teach them when a story belongs in the world of imagination and when their words need to describe what actually happened.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has given him the opportunity to work with individuals and families facing trauma, mental health challenges, relationship difficulties, major life transitions, and the everyday struggles that shape human growth.

John writes The Mind’s Trestle Board as a place to explore the intersection of mental health, relationships, personal responsibility, faith, morality, fatherhood, emotional development, and the lifelong work of becoming a better human being.

His writing is grounded in the belief that growth does not require perfection. It requires honesty, humility, reflection, responsibility, and a willingness to keep working on ourselves. Through both his professional experience and personal reflections, he encourages readers to look beneath their immediate emotions and consider the values, choices, commitments, and relationships upon which a meaningful life is built.

References

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2017). Lying and children: Facts for families, No. 44. [aacap.org]

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2025). When children lie: What parents can do. HealthyChildren.org. The guidance notes that children younger than approximately age 6 can have difficulty separating reality and fantasy and recommends calm responses and modeling honesty rather than harsh punishment. [healthychildren.org]

Arky, B. Child Mind Institute. Why kids lie and what parents can do about it. Clinical expert Matthew H. Rouse, PhD. [childmind.org]

Koplewicz, H. S., MD. Child Mind Institute. (2025). When should you get help for a child who’s a pathological liar? [childmind.org]

Talwar, V., PhD. American Psychological Association. The truth about why kids lie. Speaking of Psychology, Episode 200. [apa.org]

Talwar, V. The Truth About Lying: Teaching Honesty to Children at Every Age and Stage. American Psychological Association. The book emphasizes staying calm, addressing motivation, using positive discipline, recognizing honesty, modeling truthfulness and encouraging open communication. [apa.org]

Standing Between Childhood and Adulthood: Understanding One of Life’s Most Important Life Stages

There comes a time in life when a young person is no longer a child but not yet an adult. It is a season filled with change, growth, questions, and self-discovery. This stage, known as adolescence, is one of the most important periods of human development.

During this time, young people begin to ask questions that will help shape the rest of their lives:

  • Who am I?
  • Where do I belong?
  • What do I believe?
  • What kind of person do I want to become?

Psychologists and developmental researchers have spent decades studying this stage of life. Although they approach it from different perspectives, most agree that adolescence is a critical period for developing identity, values, relationships, and independence.

A Bridge Between Two Worlds

Adolescence can be compared to standing on a bridge.

On one side is childhood, where parents make most decisions and provide protection and guidance. On the other side is adulthood, where people are expected to take responsibility for their choices and actions.

Young people spend years crossing that bridge.

As they do, they experience major changes in their bodies, emotions, relationships, and thinking. These changes can feel exciting one moment and overwhelming the next. Many adolescents want more freedom while still needing support and guidance from trusted adults.

This tension is normal. In fact, it is part of healthy development.

Erikson: The Search for Identity

Psychologist Erik Erikson believed the most important task during adolescence is developing a clear sense of identity. He called this stage Identity vs. Role Confusion. According to Erikson, young people begin exploring who they are and who they want to become. They may try new activities, develop different interests, form new friendships, or question beliefs they have always accepted.

This process is not rebellion for the sake of rebellion. It is often a search for identity.

When adolescents successfully develop a sense of who they are, they gain confidence and direction. When they struggle to find that identity, they may experience confusion about their place in the world.

Piaget: Learning to Think in New Ways

Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget focused on how thinking changes throughout life.

According to Piaget, adolescence marks the beginning of the Formal Operational Stage, where individuals become capable of abstract thought. This means they begin thinking about ideas rather than just facts. They can consider:

  • Justice and fairness
  • Morality
  • Politics
  • Faith and spirituality
  • Future careers
  • Life goals

A child may ask, “What happened?”

An adolescent is more likely to ask, “Why did it happen?” or “What should have happened instead?”

This new ability to think deeply helps adolescents understand the world, but it can also create stress as they become more aware of life’s challenges and uncertainties.

Kohlberg: Developing a Moral Compass

Psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg studied how people develop moral reasoning.

As children grow into adolescence, they often begin moving beyond simple ideas of right and wrong based on rewards and punishments. Instead, they begin considering values, fairness, and ethical principles.

For example, rather than asking, “Will I get in trouble?” an adolescent may ask:

  • Is this fair?
  • Is this the right thing to do?
  • How will this affect others?

This growing moral awareness helps young people form personal values that can guide them throughout adulthood.

Marcia: Exploring Different Identities

Psychologist James Marcia expanded on Erikson’s work by studying how people develop identity.

Marcia found that adolescents often move through different stages of exploration before settling on a stable identity.

Some follow beliefs and goals chosen by others. Some explore many possibilities before making decisions. Others struggle to decide who they want to be.

These periods of exploration are often necessary because identity is not something that appears overnight. It develops through experience, reflection, and personal growth.

Bronfenbrenner: The Power of Environment

Psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner believed development cannot be understood without looking at the environment around a person.

According to his ecological systems theory, adolescents are influenced by many different systems, including:

  • Family
  • Friends
  • School
  • Community
  • Culture
  • Society

Each of these environments shapes development in important ways.

A supportive family can provide stability during difficult times. Positive friendships can strengthen confidence and self-esteem. Good schools and mentors can help adolescents discover talents and future goals.

Bronfenbrenner’s theory reminds us that young people do not grow alone. They grow within relationships and communities.

Attachment Theory: The Need for Secure Relationships

Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed Attachment Theory, which emphasizes the importance of secure relationships.

Many people assume adolescents stop needing their parents as they get older. In reality, research shows that strong, supportive relationships continue to play a vital role in healthy development.

Even when adolescents seek independence, they still benefit from trusted adults who provide:

  • Encouragement
  • Stability
  • Guidance
  • Emotional support

Healthy attachment helps young people develop confidence, resilience, and healthy relationships later in life.

The Adolescent Brain

Modern neuroscience has added another important piece to our understanding of adolescence.

Research shows that the brain continues developing well beyond the teenage years. The areas of the brain responsible for judgment, planning, and impulse control mature more slowly than areas responsible for emotions and rewards.

This helps explain why adolescents can sometimes make decisions that seem irrational to adults.

It is not because they lack intelligence.

It is because their brains are still developing.

Understanding this can help parents, teachers, and mentors respond with patience rather than frustration.

Preparing for Adulthood

Developmental psychologist Jeffrey Arnett proposed that the process of becoming an adult often continues into the twenties. He called this stage Emerging Adulthood.

According to Arnett, many young people continue exploring:

  • Careers
  • Education
  • Relationships
  • Personal values
  • Life goals

The identity questions that begin during adolescence often continue well into early adulthood as individuals work toward becoming the people they hope to be.

More Than Growing Older

All of these developmental theories point to the same conclusion:

Adolescence is far more than a stage of physical growth.

It is a time when identity is formed, values are developed, beliefs are tested, and character begins to take shape.

Young people are learning how to think for themselves, make decisions, build relationships, and understand their place in the world.

They are not simply getting older.

They are becoming the adults they will one day be.

For parents, teachers, mentors, and communities, this stage provides a unique opportunity to offer guidance, encouragement, and positive examples. The lessons learned during these years often remain with people for the rest of their lives.

The bridge between childhood and adulthood can sometimes feel uncertain, but it is also filled with possibility. Every question explored, every challenge faced, and every lesson learned helps build the foundation for the future.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, behavioral health executive, writer, and advocate for individuals, families, and communities facing life’s challenges. He serves as the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, where he oversees behavioral health, substance use, developmental disability, and community support services throughout Kentucky.

John began his career in human services with a bachelor’s degree while serving in multiple roles within Kentucky’s public and community-based systems. In 2004, he became a Certified Social Worker and continued expanding his clinical expertise, eventually earning his Licensed Clinical Social Worker credential and Supervisor designation. Throughout more than two decades of service, he has worked with children, adolescents, adults, and families affected by trauma, mental illness, addiction, disability, grief, poverty, and systemic barriers to care.

His professional experience includes outpatient behavioral health, case management, crisis intervention, child welfare, developmental disabilities, substance use treatment, and organizational leadership. These experiences have provided him with a unique perspective on human growth and development across the lifespan.

As a clinician and leader, John has developed a special interest in understanding how people grow, adapt, and overcome adversity. Much of his writing explores the intersection of psychology, personal growth, faith, character development, relationships, and resilience. Through both clinical practice and leadership, he has witnessed how childhood experiences, family relationships, community influences, and life transitions shape the adults people eventually become.

John is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, a collection of articles and reflections that examine life’s challenges through the lenses of psychology, personal experience, and timeless principles of growth and wisdom. His writing seeks to make complex psychological concepts understandable and relevant to everyday life while encouraging readers to pursue self-awareness, purpose, and healthy relationships.

When writing about adolescence and human development, John draws upon both established developmental theories and his extensive experience working with young people and families. He believes that understanding the challenges of each life stage helps individuals, parents, educators, and communities better support one another during times of change and growth.

Through his clinical work, leadership, and writing, John remains committed to helping others build stronger foundations for mental health, meaningful relationships, and personal fulfillment.

References

American Psychological Association. Identity versus identity confusion. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

American Psychological Association. Erikson’s Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Arnett, J. J. (2015). Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens Through the Twenties.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.

Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). The Ecology of Human Development.

Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and Crisis.

Kohlberg, L. (1981). The Philosophy of Moral Development.

Marcia, J. E. (1966). Development and validation of ego-identity status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 3(5), 551-558.

Piaget, J. (1972). The Psychology of the Child.

Ragelienė, T. (2016). Links of adolescents’ identity development and relationship with peers: A systematic literature review. Journal of the Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 25(2), 97-105.

Core Competency #9, Developmental Perspectives Across the Life Span.

“The journey from childhood to adulthood is not merely a passage of time. It is the formation of identity, character, values, and purpose. The adults we become are often shaped by the questions we ask, the challenges we face, and the guidance we receive during these formative years.” – John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

Do Not Break Their Spirit: A Parent’s Call to Lead with Love

There are few responsibilities in life more important than raising a child. Parents are entrusted with more than providing food, shelter, and safety. They are shaping hearts, building confidence, and helping young people discover who they are. The words we speak, the standards we set, and the way we respond to mistakes all leave lasting impressions.

Many parents begin with good intentions. They want their children to succeed, make good decisions, and develop strong character. Yet sometimes, in the pursuit of these goals, parents unintentionally wound the very people they are trying to help. Constant criticism, unreasonable expectations, harsh discipline, and emotional distance can discourage a child and leave lasting scars.

Children need guidance, but they also need grace. They need correction, but they also need compassion. They need structure, but they also need understanding.

When Correction Becomes Discouragement

Every child will make mistakes. Learning, growing, and maturing all involve failure. A healthy parent understands that mistakes are opportunities for teaching rather than occasions for humiliation.

Unfortunately, some parents unknowingly create an environment where children feel they can never measure up. Nothing is good enough. Every success is overshadowed by a failure. Every effort is met with criticism. Instead of feeling encouraged to grow, children begin to feel defeated.

When children repeatedly hear messages such as:

  • “Why can’t you do anything right?”
  • “Your brother never has this problem.”
  • “If you would just try harder.”
  • “You’re always messing things up.”

They may begin to believe these statements about themselves.

Discouragement does not always come from yelling. Sometimes it comes from unrealistic expectations. A child who constantly feels like they are failing an impossible standard eventually stops trying. They lose confidence, motivation, and hope.

Children need to know they are loved even when they struggle.

Common Ways Parents Provoke Their Children

Most parents would never intentionally harm their children emotionally. Yet certain behaviors can slowly damage trust and self-esteem.

Being Unreasonable

Children need rules, but rules should be fair, understandable, and age-appropriate.

When expectations are impossible to meet, children become frustrated and discouraged. A parent who expects perfection sets their child up for failure.

Healthy discipline asks:

  • Is this reasonable?
  • Is this expectation appropriate for their age?
  • Am I teaching or simply demanding?

Rules should help children develop responsibility, not create constant fear of failure.

Showing Favoritism

Few things hurt a child more deeply than feeling less valued than a sibling.

Favoritism sends the message that love must be earned. Whether intentional or not, repeatedly praising one child while criticizing another creates resentment and insecurity.

Every child is unique. One may excel academically while another shines socially or creatively. Parents should celebrate each child’s strengths rather than comparing them to one another.

Comparison steals confidence.

Acceptance builds it.

Belittling and Mocking

Children are learning how to view themselves. Parents often become the mirror through which a child develops their identity.

When a parent mocks a child’s fears, appearance, efforts, or emotions, the child learns to doubt their worth.

Statements such as:

  • “That’s a stupid idea.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”
  • “Stop crying.”
  • “You’ll never be good at that.”

may seem small in the moment, but they can echo for years.

A child’s feelings may not always be logical, but they are always real.

Listening with empathy teaches children that their emotions matter and that they can trust their parents with their struggles.

Over-Correcting Out of Frustration

Discipline should be about teaching, not venting.

Parents are human. Stress accumulates. Work becomes overwhelming. Financial pressures mount. Relationships strain under life’s demands.

However, children should never become the target of a parent’s frustration.

Correction motivated by anger often focuses on punishment rather than growth. The goal shifts from teaching a lesson to expressing irritation.

Before responding to a child’s mistake, it can be helpful to ask:

“Am I correcting my child, or am I releasing my frustration?”

The answer can make all the difference.

The Power of Active Listening

Children desperately want to feel heard.

Many conflicts between parents and children are not caused by disobedience alone. They stem from feeling misunderstood.

Active listening means giving children your attention without immediately judging, correcting, or dismissing their perspective.

Listening does not mean agreeing with everything they say. It means communicating that their thoughts and feelings matter.

When children feel heard, they become more open to guidance.

When they feel ignored, they often become defensive or withdrawn.

A child who trusts their parent will seek advice. A child who feels constantly criticized may hide their struggles.

Choosing Calm Communication

Words have extraordinary power.

A raised voice may gain temporary compliance, but calm communication builds lasting respect.

Children are always learning from what they see. Parents who respond with patience teach emotional regulation. Parents who communicate respectfully model healthy relationships.

When emotions run high, consider:

  • Taking a brief pause.
  • Lowering your voice instead of raising it.
  • Asking questions before making assumptions.
  • Focusing on the behavior rather than attacking character.

Instead of saying:

“You’re lazy.”

Try saying:

“I know you’re capable of more effort.”

One attacks identity.

The other encourages growth.

Balancing Discipline with Love

Discipline is necessary. Children need boundaries. They need guidance and accountability.

But effective discipline is rooted in love rather than control.

Healthy discipline:

  • Explains the reason behind rules.
  • Focuses on learning rather than shame.
  • Remains consistent and fair.
  • Gives children opportunities to improve.
  • Reinforces that mistakes do not diminish their worth.

Children should leave a correction feeling guided, not crushed.

They should understand that their behavior may need to change, but their value never does.

The Legacy Parents Leave

Long after childhood ends, many adults still hear the voices of their parents in their minds.

Some hear encouragement:

  • “I believe in you.”
  • “You can do hard things.”
  • “I’m proud of your effort.”
  • “You are loved.”

Others hear criticism, comparison, and disappointment.

Every parent leaves a legacy through their words.

Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are willing to learn, apologize when necessary, and lead with love.

The goal of parenting is not creating perfect children. The goal is helping children become healthy, confident, compassionate adults who know they are valued.

When correction is balanced with kindness, expectations are balanced with understanding, and discipline is balanced with love, children flourish.

And perhaps the greatest gift a parent can give is not a life free from mistakes, but a home where mistakes become opportunities for growth rather than reasons for shame.

Pull Quote

“Children should leave a correction feeling guided, not crushed. Their behavior may need to change, but their value never does.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. Through his writing and clinical work, he explores relationships, emotional health, personal growth, resilience, and the challenges individuals and families face in everyday life. He is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he examines the connections between thoughts, emotions, behavior, and human flourishing.

Couple laughing over wine at a restaurant beside sign reading “NEVER STOP DATING YOUR SPOUSE.”
Dating Your Spouse: Why the Best Marriages Never Stop Dating

Many couples spend months planning a wedding but very little time planning a marriage. At the beginning of a relationship, people work hard to connect. They make plans, have meaningful conversations, laugh together, and look forward to spending time with one another.

Then life happens.

Work becomes demanding. Children need attention. Bills need to be paid. Household responsibilities pile up. Without realizing it, many couples begin spending more time managing life than nurturing their relationship. The truth is simple:

A healthy marriage requires ongoing attention, not just a wedding day commitment.

Research suggests that couples who regularly spend intentional one-on-one time together report greater relationship satisfaction, stronger commitment, better communication, and increased marital happiness. [nationalma…roject.org], [wheatley.byu.edu], [nationalma…roject.org]

Why Dating Should Continue After Marriage

Many couples unknowingly stop doing the things that helped them fall in love. While dating, they often:

  • Prioritize time together
  • Ask questions
  • Share experiences
  • Laugh frequently
  • Show appreciation
  • Engage in meaningful conversations

After marriage, many people assume these things will naturally continue. Unfortunately, that rarely happens without intentional effort. Marriage does not automatically create connection. Connection is created through shared experiences and quality time.

The habits that helped you fall in love are often the same habits that help you stay in love.

📦 Key Takeaway

Your spouse should not receive the least intentional version of you simply because they received the most permanent commitment from you.

Date Nights Strengthen Marriages

Research from the National Marriage Project found that couples who regularly participate in date nights report significantly higher levels of marital happiness and commitment than couples who rarely spend dedicated time together. [nationalma…roject.org], [nationalma…roject.org]

The report found that spouses who regularly went on date nights were more likely to report:

Dating your spouse is not about spending money. It is about investing time. Sometimes the most meaningful date is simply sitting on a porch together, enjoying a cup of coffee, and having an uninterrupted conversation.

📦 Important Reminder

Connection grows where attention goes.

If a marriage consistently receives leftover time, it often produces leftover results.

Dating Builds Emotional Intimacy

One of the biggest threats to marriage is not conflict. It is emotional distance. According to relationship researchers at the Gottman Institute, successful couples intentionally “turn toward” one another during everyday interactions, creating a stronger emotional connection over time. [gottman.com], [gottman.com]

Dating creates opportunities to:

  • Discuss goals
  • Share concerns
  • Celebrate successes
  • Talk about dreams
  • Strengthen trust
  • Maintain emotional closeness

Couples who regularly spend quality time together often feel more understood, appreciated, and connected.

“The strongest marriages are often built one conversation at a time.”

Dating Keeps Friendship Alive

Many relationship experts have observed that friendship forms the foundation of lasting marriages. [gottman.com], [gottman.com]

Your spouse is constantly growing and changing.

  • Their interests change.
  • Their goals change.
  • Their fears change.
  • Their dreams change.

Dating helps you continue learning about the person you married. Ask yourself:

  • What is my spouse currently excited about?
  • What challenge is my spouse facing?
  • What goal is my spouse working toward?
  • What would make my spouse feel supported this week?

The answers to these questions create connection.

📦 Marriage Challenge

Schedule one dedicated date with your spouse during the next seven days. Put it on the calendar and protect that time as seriously as any other important appointment.

Dating Demonstrates Value

Time is one of the most valuable gifts that exists. When you intentionally spend time with your spouse, you communicate several important messages:

  • You matter to me.
  • I enjoy being with you.
  • Our relationship is important.
  • I want us to stay connected.
  • You are a priority in my life.

People often feel most loved when they feel seen, heard, and valued. Dating provides opportunities to communicate all three.

Simple Date Ideas for Married Couples

Dating does not require expensive vacations or elaborate plans. Consider:

  • Taking a walk together
  • Going out for coffee
  • Watching a sunset
  • Cooking a meal together
  • Visiting a local bookstore
  • Having a picnic
  • Taking a scenic drive
  • Exploring a nearby town
  • Playing a board game
  • Attending a community event

The goal is not entertainment. The goal is connection.

The Example It Sets for Children

When children witness healthy affection, respect, communication, and quality time between parents, they learn important lessons about relationships. Parents who prioritize their marriage are not taking away from their children. Instead, they are demonstrating:

  • Healthy communication
  • Mutual respect
  • Commitment
  • Affection
  • Emotional support

Children benefit from seeing what a healthy relationship looks like.

Conclusion

Marriage was never meant to run on autopilot. It thrives when two people continue choosing one another over and over again. The wedding day is not the finish line. It is the starting line. Dating your spouse creates opportunities to maintain friendship, strengthen intimacy, improve communication, and build memories together. These moments do not have to be extravagant. They simply need to be intentional. The strongest marriages are often built through thousands of small moments where spouses say through their actions:

“I still choose you.”

Never stop pursuing the person you promised to love.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. With extensive experience in behavioral health, trauma-informed care, child and adolescent mental health, family systems, and organizational leadership, Mr. Collier has dedicated his career to helping children, adolescents, adults, and families navigate life’s challenges while building healthier and more resilient communities.

Throughout his clinical career, Mr. Collier has worked with children and adolescents experiencing emotional and behavioral difficulties, including anxiety, depression, trauma-related disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), oppositional behaviors, anger management concerns, and family relationship challenges. His approach emphasizes understanding the underlying causes of behavior rather than focusing solely on symptoms, helping families develop practical strategies that strengthen communication, emotional regulation, and healthy relationships.

As a clinical supervisor, educator, and advocate for quality behavioral healthcare, Mr. Collier is committed to translating complex psychological and developmental concepts into practical guidance that parents and caregivers can readily understand and implement. His work reflects a belief that informed, supported, and empowered families play a critical role in promoting positive outcomes for children and adolescents.

In addition to his clinical practice and leadership responsibilities, Mr. Collier is the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he regularly writes about mental health, personal growth, resilience, grief, family relationships, child development, and behavioral health topics. His writing combines evidence-based research with real-world clinical experience to provide readers with meaningful insights and actionable strategies.

Through his work, Mr. Collier continues to advocate for compassionate, person-centered care while helping individuals and families build the skills necessary to thrive through life.

References

Dew, J., & Wilcox, W. B. (2023). The Date Night Opportunity: What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Potential Value of Date Nights? National Marriage Project. [nationalma…roject.org], [nationalma…roject.org]

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). Relationship Resources for Couples. The Gottman Institute. [gottman.com], [gottman.com]

Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499-509.

Hawkins, A. J., Blanchard, V. L., Baldwin, S. A., & Fawcett, E. B. (2008). Does Marriage and Relationship Education Work? Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76(5), 723-734.

Nielsen, L. (2017). The Power of Us: The Path to Discovering the Best Relationship You. Tyndale House Publishers.

Wilcox, W. B., & Dew, J. (2023). The Date Night Opportunity Report. Wheatley Institute. [wheatley.byu.edu], [wheatley.byu.edu]