Welcome to SOUTHEAST KENTUCKY BEHAVIORAL HEALTH

Tag resilience

From Victim to Survivor: Reclaiming the Life That Was Never Theirs to Take

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

There is a difference between being a victim and living permanently from the frame of mind of a victim.

If someone abused you, betrayed you, abandoned you, assaulted you, neglected you, manipulated you, or harmed you, you may have truly been a victim.

That is a fact.

Calling yourself a survivor does not change the facts. It does not make what happened smaller. It does not excuse the person who hurt you.

It changes something else.

It changes who gets to write the next chapter.

A victim asks:

“Look what they did to me.”

A survivor eventually learns to ask:

“What am I going to do with my life now?”

That may sound like a small difference.

It isn’t.

It may be one of the most important changes that happens during healing.

First, There Is No Shame in Being a Victim

Before talking about a “victim mindset,” we need to be extraordinarily careful with our words.

A person who has experienced trauma may feel afraid, angry, powerless, suspicious, overwhelmed, or emotionally numb. These responses should not automatically be interpreted as weakness or a character problem.

SAMHSA describes trauma as experiences that can have lasting effects on a person’s mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It also emphasizes that people respond to traumatic experiences differently. Strong support and resilient qualities can influence how someone responds. Likewise, the American Psychological Association recognizes that trauma can have long-lasting psychological and physical consequences, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, sleep problems, dissociation, and other difficulties. So when someone has been badly hurt, telling them to “stop acting like a victim” can be cruel and clinically misguided.

There are times when surviving is enough.

Getting through the day is enough.

Staying safe is enough.

Getting out of bed is enough.

But there may eventually come a point when survival asks something more of us.

The question changes from:

“What happened to me?”

to:

“What happens next?”

The Victim Frame of Mind

The victim frame of mind is not simply sadness about something painful.

It occurs when the injury becomes the lens through which a person begins interpreting much of life.

Something terrible happened to me.

Therefore:

  • I am powerless.
  • People cannot be trusted.
  • My life will always be this way.
  • There is nothing I can do.
  • Someone else must change before I can heal.
  • My past determines my future.
  • What was taken from me can never be rebuilt.
  • Because I was hurt, I will always be broken.

These beliefs are understandable after trauma.

But understandable does not necessarily mean helpful forever.

One particularly important example is avoidance. VA National Center for PTSD explains that wanting to avoid reminders of trauma is common, but relying heavily on avoidance can worsen PTSD symptoms and make moving forward more difficult. A coping strategy that once helped you survive can eventually become the wall preventing you from living.

That is one of trauma’s cruel contradictions.

The Survivor Frame of Mind

The survivor does not pretend the wound never happened.

The survivor learns to carry the scar without allowing the scar to become an identity.

The survivor can say:

Yes, that happened.

Yes, it hurt me.

Yes, I have wounds from it.

No, it was not fair.

No, I did not deserve it.

And yes, I still have a life to live.

Research on resilience after trauma examines precisely this question: how people adapt following profoundly difficult experiences and how resilience can be fostered after trauma. Survival is therefore not denial.

It is not saying:

“It didn’t hurt.”

It is saying:

“It hurt, and I am still here.”

Victim Thinking Says, “They Have the Power.”

Survivor thinking says:

“I have choices.”

Perhaps you could not choose what happened.

You can choose what you do today.

You can choose whether to ask for help.

You can choose your boundaries.

You can choose whom you allow close to you.

You can choose whether to continue treatment.

You can choose whether the people who wounded your past are permitted to control your future.

Trauma-informed care itself recognizes the importance of safety, trust, collaboration, empowerment, voice, and choice in recovery. SAMHSA identifies these ideas among the central principles of trauma-informed approaches. That word matters:

Choice.

Trauma frequently involves losing control.

Recovery often involves discovering where control still exists.

“Why Did This Happen to Me?”

Nearly everyone who has suffered deeply has asked some version of this question.

Why me?

Why did they do it?

Why didn’t someone protect me?

Why didn’t I see it?

Why didn’t I leave sooner?

Why didn’t anyone believe me?

Those questions deserve compassion.

But there is another question that can eventually become more useful:

“Given that this happened, who do I want to become now?”

That question cannot rewrite yesterday.

It can begin changing tomorrow.

Survivors Learn the Difference Between Responsibility and Blame

This may be the hardest concept in the entire journey.

You are not necessarily responsible for what happened to you.

But you eventually become responsible for what you do with what happened to you.

Those are completely different statements.

If someone injured you, responsibility for that action belongs to that person.

Healing belongs to you.

That may feel terribly unfair.

It often is.

Sometimes another person creates the wound while you are left doing the work of repairing it.

But refusing to heal until the person who hurt you makes everything right can leave your future tied to the very person who harmed your past.

Your healing does not need their permission.

Your recovery does not require their understanding.

Your future does not require their apology.

Accountability matters. Justice matters. Acknowledgment matters. In fact, the American Psychological Association recognizes the potential importance of acknowledgment, apology, redress, and restitution in trauma recovery. But your life cannot always remain suspended while waiting for those things.

How Do You Become the Survivor?

There is no switch that suddenly changes someone from victim to survivor.

Healing tends to be a process.

Some days you may feel strong.

The next day, something may trigger an old wound and make you feel as though you have gone backward.

You haven’t necessarily failed.

Here are several places to begin.

1. Tell the Truth About What Happened

Survivorship doesn’t begin by minimizing the past.

It begins with truth.

It happened.

It hurt.

It affected me.

You do not have to defend the person who hurt you.

You do not have to rewrite history to make other people comfortable.

Healing requires honesty.

And sometimes that honesty needs to happen with a qualified mental health professional rather than alone.

2. Stop Making the Wound Your Identity

Notice the enormous difference between these statements:

“I experienced abuse.”

and

“I am damaged.”

Or:

“Someone betrayed me.”

and

“I am unlovable.”

An event is not an identity.

Trauma can influence identity development, and researchers continue to study the relationship between trauma exposure and identity. What happened may always be part of your story.

It does not have to become your entire definition.

You are more than the worst thing someone ever did to you.

3. Identify What You Still Control

Take a sheet of paper and make two columns.

I Cannot Control

  • What happened yesterday
  • What another person thinks
  • Whether someone admits wrongdoing
  • Whether someone apologizes
  • Whether everyone understands my story
  • Another person’s choices

I Can Influence or Control

  • What I do today
  • Whether I ask for help
  • My boundaries
  • Many of my daily choices
  • Whose advice I seek
  • Whether I participate in treatment
  • How I respond when old patterns appear
  • What kind of person I am trying to become

Spend less energy fighting the first list.

Invest more energy in the second.

That is where your power lives.

4. Recognize Avoidance

Avoidance can feel like safety.

Sometimes it is appropriate to avoid genuine danger. But avoiding every thought, emotion, place, relationship, or reminder associated with what happened is different.

The VA National Center for PTSD notes that emotional and behavioral avoidance can interfere with recovery and that effective PTSD treatments can help people learn to cope with trauma-related thoughts and feelings. The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs has similarly developed recovery materials specifically focused on identifying problematic avoidance behaviors and gradually changing behaviors that keep people stuck in trauma recovery. Courage does not mean never being afraid.

Sometimes courage is simply deciding:

“Fear is present, but fear is no longer making every decision.”

5. Build Boundaries Instead of Walls

Trauma may teach:

Never trust anybody again.

Healing teaches something more sophisticated:

Learn who has earned your trust.

A wall keeps everyone outside.

A boundary has a gate.

A survivor learns when to open it, when to close it, and who receives a key.

6. Allow Yourself to Receive Help

Being a survivor does not mean doing everything alone.

Actually, refusing every form of help can sometimes keep people isolated.

SAMHSA emphasizes safety, peer support, trust, collaboration, and empowerment as important elements within trauma-informed approaches. Help may include professional counseling, trusted friends and family, support groups, medical care, community resources, or spiritual support according to your beliefs and circumstances.

Strength isn’t proving that you need nobody.

Sometimes strength is finally admitting:

“I don’t have to carry all of this by myself.”

7. Give Yourself Permission to Have a Future

Trauma keeps pulling the mind backward.

Healing gradually teaches it to look forward again.

Make plans.

Set a goal.

Learn something.

Build something.

Reconnect carefully.

Create new routines.

Find something meaningful enough that tomorrow becomes more than another day spent thinking about yesterday.

This does not dishonor what happened.

It demonstrates that what happened did not win.

Forgiveness Is Not the Price of Admission

People are sometimes told that they cannot heal unless they forgive the person who hurt them.

I would be careful with that message.

Forgiveness may be deeply meaningful for some people, especially within their spiritual beliefs. But forgiveness should not be confused with denying harm, restoring an unsafe relationship, abandoning boundaries, or removing accountability.

You can heal while still saying:

“What you did was wrong.”

You can move forward without pretending it never happened.

You can have compassion and boundaries at the same time.

Survival Is Not Becoming Who You Were Before

Perhaps this is where we sometimes misunderstand recovery.

After something profound happens, you may never become exactly the person you were before.

That doesn’t automatically mean something has been lost forever.

Perhaps the goal isn’t to go backward.

Perhaps it is to move forward.

Wiser.

More discerning.

More compassionate.

Better acquainted with your boundaries.

More aware of your strength.

More intentional about the life you build.

Resilience research has increasingly examined not merely whether people endure trauma, but how resilience may be fostered following it. The goal isn’t to become untouched.

It is to become unowned by what touched you.

The Day You Become a Survivor

There may never be a ceremony.

Nobody hands you a certificate.

You probably won’t wake up one morning completely free from every painful memory.

Instead, the transformation may happen quietly.

One day you realize you haven’t thought about it for several hours.

Then perhaps an entire day.

You recognize a trigger and choose a different response.

You establish a boundary you once believed you couldn’t establish.

You stop explaining yourself to somebody committed to misunderstanding you.

You ask for help.

You laugh again without feeling guilty.

You make plans.

You love again.

You hope again.

And somewhere along the way, your vocabulary changes.

You stop saying:

“This is who I am because of what they did.”

And begin saying:

“This is who I am becoming despite what happened.”

That is the difference.

The victim’s story is centered around what was done.

The survivor’s story acknowledges what was done but slowly turns toward what comes next.

Conclusion: Take Back the Pen

You cannot erase pages that have already been written.

Some pages may contain things you wish had never happened.

Some contain loss.

Others contain betrayal, fear, grief, humiliation, abandonment, or pain.

There is no wisdom in pretending those pages aren’t there.

Read them when you need to.

Grieve them.

Talk about them.

Learn from them.

Get professional help working through them when necessary.

But eventually, remember something extraordinarily important:

There are blank pages after them.

And those pages still belong to you.

Being a survivor does not mean saying, “It didn’t hurt me.”

It means being able to say:

“It hurt me. It changed me. There were days when I didn’t know whether I could carry it anymore. But I am still here, and what happened to me will not be given the authority to decide everything that happens next.”

You didn’t choose every chapter.

But you can still take back the pen.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S

John S. Collier is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. His career in social work and behavioral health has included years of work with individuals and families experiencing mental health concerns, trauma, behavioral challenges, relationship difficulties, developmental disabilities, and complicated life transitions.

He earned his bachelor’s degree and became a Certified Social Worker in 2004 before continuing his education and professional development in clinical social work. He became a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in 2010 and later earned the credential of Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor.

As Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, Collier works in behavioral health leadership, clinical services, organizational development, community-based behavioral supports, and advocacy for individuals and families throughout southeastern Kentucky.

He is also the author of The Mind’s Trestle Board, where he writes about mental health, relationships, masculinity, family, morality, personal responsibility, faith, emotional growth, and the difficult process of becoming a better version of ourselves. His writing often draws from the intersection of clinical experience, human behavior, personal reflection, and the belief that people should never be reduced to the worst moment of their lives.

References

American Psychological Association. (2024). Individual, collective, and intergenerational trauma recovery: Considering the restorative roles of restitution and reparations.

American Psychological Association. Nugent, N. R., Sumner, J. A., & Amstadter, A. B. (2014). Resilience after trauma: From surviving to thriving. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 5.

PubMed Central. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2026). Trauma and violence: What is trauma and its effects? SAMHSA.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2023). Practical guide for implementing a trauma-informed approach. SAMHSA.

Truskauskaite-Kuneviciene, I., Brailovskaia, J., Kamite, Y., Petrauskaite, G., Margraf, J., & Kazlauskas, E. (2020). Does trauma shape identity? Exploring the links between lifetime trauma exposure and identity status in emerging adulthood. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 570644.

PubMed Central. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD. (2026). Avoidance. National Center for PTSD. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, South Central MIRECC. (2022). An active approach to recovering from trauma: Breaking the cycle of safety aids and avoidance. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.

Becoming Better: The Daily Work of a Good Man

“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
— Albert Pine (often attributed to Albert Pike)

As I’ve gotten older, I have found myself thinking more about what kind of man I am and what kind of man I want to become.

Not because I think I have everything figured out.

Actually, it is the opposite.

The more I learn, the more I realize how much I still need to grow.

Every day, I try to be a better man than I was yesterday. And if I’m honest, that can be hard. Some days I do well. Other days I fall short. I lose my patience. I become frustrated. I make mistakes. I say things I wish I could take back.

But then I wake up the next morning and try again.

For me, that is what being a moral man looks like.

It is not being perfect.

It is being committed to growing.

The Man in the Mirror

Every morning, the first person I have to answer to is the man in the mirror.

I can fool other people. I can make excuses. I can blame circumstances.

But deep down, I know when I could have done better.

I know when I should have listened more.

I know when I should have shown more patience.

I know when I should have chosen courage instead of comfort.

The struggle is not with other people nearly as much as it is with myself.

The person I am competing with today is the person I was yesterday.

What Really Matters

As the Executive Director of a growing behavioral health organization, I spend much of my life helping people. I work with individuals who are struggling, families who are hurting, children who need support, and staff members who are trying to make a difference.

The longer I do this work, the more I realize something important.

People will not remember most of our titles.

They will not remember how many meetings we attended.

They will not remember how much money we made.

But they will remember how we treated them.

They will remember whether we showed up when they needed us.

They will remember whether we cared.

That is why Albert Pine’s quote speaks so deeply to me.

Everything I do for myself will eventually be gone.

But the people I help, the encouragement I give, the kindness I show, and the lives I touch may continue long after I am gone.

A Good Man Is Never Finished

One lesson life has taught me is that becoming a good man is never a completed project.

There is always room to improve.

I can become a better father.

A better leader.

A better friend.

A better partner.

A better listener.

A better example.

There is always another lesson to learn and another weakness to overcome.

For many men, that can feel discouraging.

I see it differently.

I believe it is a gift.

If I still have room to grow, then I still have purpose.

The Quiet Things Matter Most

Many people think a legacy is built by doing something famous.

I do not believe that.

I believe most legacies are built in ordinary moments.

A father staying up late to help his child.

A husband keeping his promises.

A friend answering the phone when someone is hurting.

A man doing the right thing when nobody is watching.

These moments may never make headlines.

But they shape lives.

In my work, I have met many people who can clearly remember a teacher, coach, parent, counselor, or mentor who changed their life with a few simple words or actions.

That is the power of doing good for others.

Small acts often leave the biggest footprints.

Why We Keep Trying

The world can be difficult.

There are days when being kind feels harder than being angry.

There are days when honesty costs us something.

There are days when doing the right thing seems unnoticed.

Yet good men keep trying.

We keep trying because character matters.

We keep trying because our children are watching.

We keep trying because the people around us deserve our best.

We keep trying because we know the world becomes a little better every time someone chooses integrity over selfishness.

A moral man does not always succeed.

But he refuses to quit trying.

The Immortal Part of a Man

One day, every one of us will leave this world.

Our jobs will be filled by someone else.

Our belongings will belong to someone else.

Our accomplishments will slowly fade into history.

But something remains.

The love we gave.

The lives we helped.

The wisdom we shared.

The people we encouraged.

The sacrifices we made for others.

That is the immortal part of a man.

Not the things he owned.

The lives he touched.

Conclusion

When I think about Albert Pine’s quote, I am reminded that the goal is not simply to have a successful life.

The goal is to have a meaningful one.

I do not want to be remembered for what I accumulated.

I want to be remembered for what I contributed.

Like many men, I am still a work in progress. I still stumble. I still learn. I still have days when I am not the man I want to be.

But every morning, I get another chance.

Another chance to be a little wiser.

A little kinder.

A little stronger.

A little better than I was yesterday.

And if I can help someone else along the way, then perhaps a small part of my life will continue living in the lives of others.

That is the kind of immortality worth striving for.

“The goal is not to become a perfect man. The goal is to become a better man today than you were yesterday and a better man tomorrow than you are today.”

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC, and author of The Mind’s Trestle Board. Through his work in behavioral health, leadership, and writing, he explores personal growth, resilience, character development, and the daily pursuit of becoming the person we were created to be.

References

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.

Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Free Press.

Aristotle. Nicomachean Ethics.

Pine, A. (attributed). “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”

Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health proudly supports Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

The Modern Man’s Burden

Ten Struggles Good Men Face in Today’s World

“The burden of a good man is rarely visible. It is carried in early mornings, late nights, silent worries, and decisions made for the benefit of others.”

Introduction

Despite what social media, movies, and modern culture often portray, most men are not trying to become rich, famous, powerful, or admired. Most men are simply trying to do right by the people they love.

They are showing up for work. They are paying bills. They are trying to be faithful husbands, present fathers, dependable friends, ethical leaders, and responsible citizens. They are doing their best to keep promises, carry responsibility, and maintain their integrity in a world that often feels increasingly complicated.

Yet many good men find themselves silently struggling.

Not because they lack character.

Not because they lack motivation.

But because the challenges facing men today are often invisible.

The good man frequently carries burdens that others rarely see.

This article serves as the introduction to a ten-part series exploring some of the most common struggles morally grounded men face in today’s society. While every man’s experience is unique, these challenges often appear repeatedly in counseling offices, conversations among friends, and quiet moments of self-reflection.

The Changing Landscape of Manhood

For thousands of years, cultures generally provided men with a clear understanding of what was expected of them. While these expectations were not always healthy or fair, they were often straightforward.

Today, many men find themselves navigating conflicting messages.

They are told to be strong but vulnerable.

Confident but humble.

Providers but fully available.

Leaders but never authoritative.

Emotionally expressive but never overwhelming.

Ambitious but never too ambitious.

The result is often confusion.

Many men genuinely want to do the right thing but struggle to understand what “the right thing” looks like in a rapidly changing world.

Research consistently suggests that men experience significant challenges related to loneliness, mental health, social connection, and identity (American Psychological Association, 2018; U.S. Surgeon General, 2023).

The reality is that many good men are carrying far more than they reveal.

The Ten Struggles We Will Explore

1. The Lonely Burden of Being Strong

Many men feel responsible for carrying the emotional and financial weight of their families. They become everyone’s source of support while often lacking support themselves.

2. The Crisis of Male Friendship

As men age, meaningful friendships often become increasingly difficult to maintain. Many discover that they have people around them but very few people they can truly talk to.

3. Providing in a World Where Enough Is Never Enough

The pressure to earn more, achieve more, and provide more can leave even successful men feeling inadequate.

4. The Good Man’s Struggle With Anger

Anger is often one of the few emotions society permits men to express openly. Beneath that anger are frequently fear, grief, disappointment, shame, and exhaustion.

5. The Temptation of Escapism

When stress becomes overwhelming, many men retreat into work, technology, sports, entertainment, alcohol, or other distractions rather than confronting the pain they carry.

6. Leading a Family Without Losing Yourself

The responsibilities of husbandhood, fatherhood, and leadership can sometimes cause men to lose touch with their own needs, dreams, and identities.

7. The Fear of Failure

Many capable and accomplished men secretly believe they are one mistake away from disappointing those who depend on them.

8. What Society Tells Men Versus What Men Actually Need

Modern culture often gives conflicting messages about masculinity, leaving many men unsure of how to define themselves.

9. Why Good Men Stay in Toxic Situations

Loyalty is an admirable trait, but some men remain in unhealthy relationships, jobs, or circumstances long after they should have established boundaries.

10. The Quiet Search for Purpose

Even after achieving career success, financial stability, or family goals, many men continue searching for deeper meaning and significance.

What This Series Is Not

This series is not about blaming women.

It is not about politics.

It is not about culture wars.

It is not about claiming that men have it harder than anyone else.

Every group faces unique struggles.

Instead, this series seeks to acknowledge an often-overlooked reality: good men face challenges too.

Their struggles deserve compassion, understanding, and attention.

Recognizing those struggles does not diminish anyone else’s suffering. It simply creates room for honest conversations about what many men experience every day.

The Importance of Talking About Men’s Struggles

Many men are taught from an early age that expressing struggle is weakness.

As a result, problems often remain hidden until they become crises.

Depression is ignored.

Burnout is normalized.

Loneliness is dismissed.

Relationships deteriorate.

Purpose fades.

The burden grows heavier.

The strongest men are not necessarily those who carry everything alone. The strongest men are often those who possess the courage to acknowledge their struggles and seek support when necessary.

Authentic strength is not silence.

Authentic strength is honesty.

Conclusion

Behind many good men is a story few people fully understand.

A story of sacrifices made quietly. Responsibilities carried faithfully. Fears hidden carefully. And hopes held tightly despite uncertainty. The modern man’s burden is not weakness.

It is often evidence of love, duty, responsibility, and commitment.

But burdens become lighter when they are understood.

Over the coming weeks, we will take a closer look at each of these ten struggles, exploring not only the challenges themselves but practical paths toward resilience, connection, purpose, and emotional well-being.

Because good men should not have to carry life’s heaviest burdens alone.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC and author of The Mind’s Trestle Board. As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Supervisor, he has spent years helping individuals and families navigate mental health challenges, relationships, personal growth, resilience, and the search for meaning. His writing combines psychological insight, practical wisdom, and compassion to help readers better understand themselves and the people around them.

References

American Psychological Association. (2018). Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men. American Psychologist, 73(9), 1193-1207.

Murthy, V. H. (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. U.S. Surgeon General Advisory. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Pleck, J. H. (1995). The Gender Role Strain Paradigm: An Update. In R. F. Levant & W. S. Pollack (Eds.), A New Psychology of Men. Basic Books.

Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Random House.

Seidler, Z. E., Dawes, A. J., Rice, S. M., Oliffe, J. L., & Dhillon, H. M. (2016). The Role of Masculinity in Men’s Help-Seeking for Depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 106-118.