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When Your Partner Makes You Feel Guilty for Filing for Divorce: When Blame Replaces Accountability

Deciding to file for divorce can be one of the most emotionally complicated decisions a person ever makes. Even when the relationship has become unhealthy, chronically conflictual, emotionally exhausting, or destructive, leaving can produce grief, doubt, fear, and guilt. Research has specifically identified guilt toward a former spouse as a meaningful part of the divorce experience, associated with factors such as regret, compassion, perceived responsibility for the separation, and psychological functioning (Baum et al., 2012). (PubMed⁠)

But there is an important difference between feeling guilty because you care about another person’s pain and being made to feel guilty so that you will reconsider a decision made necessary by an ongoing pattern of harmful behavior.

Sometimes the partner who desperately wants to save the marriage focuses almost entirely on the divorce itself:

“How can you do this to me?”

“You’re destroying our family.”

“You’re giving up on us.”

“After everything I’ve done for you, you’re just walking away.”

“You’re the one choosing divorce, not me.”

Technically, one spouse may be the person who signs and files the paperwork. Psychologically and relationally, however, that does not necessarily mean that person single-handedly created the conditions that ended the marriage.

Sometimes filing for divorce is not the beginning of the problem.

It is the response to a problem that has existed for a very long time.

The Difference Between Filing for Divorce and Causing the Marriage to Fail

When someone says, “You’re the one who filed,” the statement may be factually accurate while leaving out most of the story.

The more important questions may be:

What happened before the filing?

What conversations took place?

What promises were repeatedly made and broken?

Were boundaries repeatedly violated?

Was there chronic dishonesty?

Was there infidelity?

Were there repeated episodes of yelling, humiliation, intimidation, manipulation, neglect, controlling behavior, substance-related chaos, financial irresponsibility, or emotional abandonment?

Did one spouse repeatedly communicate that something needed to change?

Were opportunities for counseling, reconciliation, or behavioral change offered?

And, perhaps most importantly:

Did the person who is now devastated by the divorce take the problems seriously before divorce became a reality?

A divorce petition does not tell the entire story of a marriage.

Imagine someone living in a house where the roof has leaked for years. They repeatedly point to the water damage and say, “We have to repair this.” Their partner minimizes the problem, promises to fix it later, becomes defensive whenever it is mentioned, or blames them for complaining.

Eventually the damage becomes unbearable, and the person moves out.

It would be strange to say:

“You destroyed our home because you moved.”

Moving did not create the leaking roof.

It was a response to living underneath it.

Relationships can work similarly.

“You’re Leaving Me” Can Distract From “Why Are You Leaving?”

A spouse facing divorce understandably experiences powerful emotions. They may feel abandoned, frightened, angry, embarrassed, rejected, or devastated. Those feelings deserve compassion.

But emotions and accountability are two different things.

A person can genuinely be heartbroken that you are leaving while simultaneously refusing to acknowledge the behavior that contributed to your decision.

That distinction matters.

Instead of asking:

“What did I do that brought our marriage to this point?”

they may ask:

“How could you do this to me?”

Instead of saying:

“I understand why you no longer trust me.”

they may say:

“You never gave me another chance.”

Instead of acknowledging:

“My behavior hurt you repeatedly.”

they may say:

“You’re throwing away everything we’ve built.”

The focus subtly shifts.

The conversation stops being about the pattern of behavior that damaged the relationship and becomes a trial concerning the person who finally decided they could no longer live with that pattern.

This type of blame reversal is particularly concerning when it occurs alongside manipulation, intimidation, gaslighting, coercive control, or other forms of emotional abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline identifies blaming a partner for one’s own unhealthy or abusive behavior as a warning sign of emotional abuse. It also identifies manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, excessive jealousy, monitoring, isolation, and gaslighting among behaviors that can constitute emotional abuse. (The Hotline⁠)

Not every spouse who says something unfair during a painful divorce is abusive. Divorce brings intense emotions, and people sometimes speak defensively out of grief. What matters is whether there is a persistent pattern of avoiding responsibility while pressuring the other person to assume it.

Guilt Can Become a Powerful Form of Control

Guilt itself is not unhealthy.

Healthy guilt can tell us that we violated our values or harmed another person. It can motivate us to apologize, repair damage, and behave differently.

Manipulated guilt operates differently.

It communicates:

“Your decision to protect yourself is proof that you are hurting me.”

Research examining abusive relationship dynamics has found that shame and guilt can sometimes be deliberately elicited as mechanisms of coercive control. A qualitative study by Culos-Reed and colleagues examined what the researchers called “shame-to-guilt” behaviors—manipulative strategies through which abusive partners trigger shame and guilt in their partners. The researchers identified tactics involving emotional manipulation, threats, parenting, health concerns, religious values, and other emotionally significant areas. (PubMed⁠)

This does not mean that every expression of sadness or guilt during divorce is manipulation.

A spouse is allowed to say:

“I don’t want this divorce.”

They are allowed to cry.

They are allowed to grieve.

They are allowed to wish you would reconsider.

They are even allowed to believe that divorce is the wrong decision.

What becomes problematic is when their emotional pain is repeatedly turned into evidence that you are morally obligated to remain in the relationship regardless of what the relationship has been doing to you.

Compassion does not require continued participation in an unhealthy relationship.

When Accountability Gets Replaced by Blame

Accountability sounds different from guilt-based pressure.

Accountability says:

“I hurt you.”

“I understand that my behavior had consequences.”

“I should have listened when you told me things needed to change.”

“I wish I had handled things differently.”

“I don’t want the marriage to end, but I understand that my actions contributed to where we are.”

“I’m going to work on myself whether you return or not.”

Blame sounds more like:

“Look what you’re doing to me.”

“You’re ruining everyone’s lives.”

“You’re selfish.”

“You’re breaking up the family.”

“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t leave.”

“You’re abandoning me when I need you most.”

The difference is significant.

Accountability examines one’s own behavior. Blame attempts to transfer responsibility for its consequences.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline makes a similar distinction when discussing apologies in abusive relationships. An apology that essentially says, “I’m sorry, but you made me do it,” shifts responsibility rather than accepting it. Genuine accountability requires recognizing one’s choices and taking meaningful steps to change future behavior. (The Hotline⁠)

“But They Say They’ll Change Now”

This can be one of the most emotionally difficult parts of leaving.

Perhaps you spent months—or years—asking for changes.

You asked for communication.

You asked for honesty.

You asked them to stop yelling.

You asked them to seek treatment.

You asked for counseling.

You asked for affection.

You asked them to respect boundaries.

You explained how badly you were hurting.

Nothing produced sustained change.

Then you filed for divorce.

Suddenly there are tears, apologies, promises, therapy appointments, flowers, long messages, declarations of love, and statements such as:

“I finally understand.”

The natural question becomes:

Why did it take losing me for my pain to matter?

That question does not have a simple answer.

Sometimes the threat of losing a marriage genuinely awakens someone to the seriousness of their behavior. People can change, and genuine transformation is possible.

But urgency is not the same thing as transformation.

Promises made when consequences finally arrive should be evaluated according to sustained behavior over time, not simply according to their emotional intensity.

Accountability is demonstrated rather than announced.

The Trap of Remembering Only the Good

Guilt often becomes stronger when separation begins because distance can change how we remember a relationship.

You remember vacations.

Christmas mornings.

Inside jokes.

Their smile.

The day you met.

Your wedding.

The children being born.

The dreams you once shared.

Those memories are real.

But so are the other memories.

A painful marriage does not have to have been painful every minute to have become unhealthy.

This is particularly important in relationships involving abuse or coercive control. Recent psychological research describes how targets of partner abuse can become psychologically entrapped partly through processes of minimizing, justifying, normalizing, or reframing harmful behavior. Such processes can make evaluating the relationship-versus-self-preservation decision extraordinarily difficult (Arriaga et al., 2026). (PubMed⁠)

Earlier qualitative research similarly found that self-blame can influence how people interpret intimate partner aggression, including situations in which partners effectively “turn the tables” and shift responsibility toward the person experiencing the harmful behavior. (PubMed Central (PMC)⁠)

You do not have to erase the good memories to acknowledge the bad ones.

Both can be true:

“We had beautiful moments.”

and

“I cannot continue living this way.”

You Can Love Someone and Still Leave

One of the most damaging misconceptions surrounding divorce is the idea that leaving proves you never loved the person.

Sometimes people leave precisely because they spent years trying not to.

They stayed through disappointment.

They forgave.

They hoped.

They rationalized.

They waited.

They believed promises.

They tried again.

Eventually they recognized that love was no longer enough to compensate for what was happening inside the relationship.

Love does not automatically create emotional safety.

Love does not create accountability.

Love does not cure addiction.

Love does not stop repeated infidelity.

Love does not make someone communicate.

Love does not eliminate controlling behavior.

Love does not force another person to seek help.

Love does not require accepting unlimited harm.

And loving someone does not obligate you to remain married to them.

You Can Feel Guilty Without Being Guilty

This may be the most important distinction.

Feeling guilty and actually being responsible for wrongdoing are not the same thing.

Research confirms that guilt toward a former spouse is common enough during divorce to be specifically measured as a psychological construct. (PubMed⁠)

You may feel guilty because your spouse is crying.

You may feel guilty because your children are upset.

You may feel guilty when you see the empty side of the closet.

You may feel guilty when your spouse tells you they cannot imagine life without you.

You may feel guilty because you made vows you genuinely intended to keep.

You may feel guilty because part of you still loves them.

None of those feelings automatically establishes that leaving is wrong.

Sometimes guilt is simply the emotional cost of making a painful decision that affects someone you care about.

A useful question is not simply:

“Do I feel guilty?”

Ask instead:

“What exactly am I guilty of?”

If the answer is, “I am guilty because they are hurting,” examine that belief carefully.

Causing disappointment is not automatically wrongdoing.

Setting a boundary is not automatically cruelty.

Ending a relationship you can no longer participate in is not automatically betrayal.

And another person’s distress does not automatically create an obligation for you to reverse your decision.

Do Not Confuse Their Consequences With Your Cruelty

When unhealthy behavior continues long enough, consequences eventually appear.

The consequence might be separation.

It might be loss of trust.

It might be emotional distance.

It might ultimately be divorce.

The person experiencing those consequences may sincerely dislike them. But disliking a consequence does not mean the consequence was created maliciously by the other spouse.

This distinction becomes especially important when psychological abuse has occurred. Research has associated psychological abuse with significant mental-health consequences, including symptoms of depression and posttraumatic stress, even after accounting for other forms of partner violence. (PubMed⁠)

More recent research on psychological abuse also emphasizes potential harms involving diminished agency, loss of self-belief, and feelings of entrapment. (PubMed⁠)

Therefore, repeatedly telling someone that they are selfish or cruel for leaving can be particularly powerful when that person’s confidence in their own judgment has already been weakened.

When Guilt Continues After Separation

Leaving does not necessarily end unhealthy relational dynamics.

A review of 48 studies concerning post-separation abuse found that harmful behavior can continue after relationships end and may involve psychological, legal, economic, and other forms of abuse, including using children as part of the conflict. (PubMed⁠)

That makes boundaries especially important during high-conflict separation.

If every conversation becomes another attempt to make you defend the divorce, it may become necessary to stop debating the decision.

You do not have to repeatedly prosecute your case before your spouse.

You can communicate practical matters without endlessly defending why you left.

A boundary might sound like:

“I understand that you disagree with my decision and that you’re hurting. I am not going to continue arguing about whether I am allowed to leave. I am willing to discuss the practical matters we need to resolve respectfully.”

That is not necessarily coldness.

It is a boundary.

Separate Compassion From Responsibility

You can have compassion for your spouse’s suffering without assuming responsibility for eliminating it.

You can say:

“I know you’re hurting.”

without saying:

“Therefore I must stay.”

You can say:

“I’m sorry our marriage ended this way.”

without saying:

“Everything was my fault.”

You can say:

“I wish things had been different.”

without saying:

“I should return to the same circumstances that caused me to leave.”

Mature compassion allows two realities to coexist:

Their pain matters.

Your well-being matters too.

Look at Patterns, Not the Last Conversation

When guilt overwhelms you, return to the history of the relationship rather than evaluating everything according to your spouse’s reaction to divorce.

Ask yourself:

  • What was happening six months before I decided to leave?
  • What was happening two years before?
  • What had I repeatedly asked to change?
  • What boundaries had I communicated?
  • Were promises followed by sustained behavioral changes?
  • Did I feel emotionally safe expressing concerns?
  • Was I becoming healthier or less healthy inside the relationship?
  • Was I staying because the relationship was improving, or because I was afraid of hurting the other person?
  • If nothing changed for another five years, would I willingly choose this marriage again?

Those questions move the focus away from the emotional intensity of the present moment and toward the actual pattern that produced the decision.

Divorce Does Not Require a Villain

There is another important caution.

Not every failed marriage involves an abuser and a victim.

Sometimes two basically decent people develop destructive patterns together.

Sometimes incompatibility becomes impossible to overcome.

Sometimes both partners caused significant harm.

Sometimes one person contributed much more heavily than the other.

And sometimes one person’s behavior clearly became abusive, coercive, or dangerous.

Avoiding inappropriate guilt does not require rewriting your spouse as entirely evil or yourself as entirely innocent.

A healthier position is:

“I can acknowledge my mistakes without accepting responsibility for yours.”

That is accountability without self-erasure.

When There Has Been Emotional Abuse or Coercive Control

If the marriage has involved intimidation, threats, stalking, coercive control, physical violence, sexual coercion, severe financial control, threats involving children, or threats of self-harm intended to prevent separation, ordinary divorce advice may not be sufficient.

Separation can sometimes be a particularly vulnerable period in abusive relationships. Research on post-separation abuse demonstrates that abusive tactics may persist or evolve after a relationship ends. (PubMed⁠)

In those circumstances, decisions concerning communication, meetings, housing, finances, children, and legal proceedings should be made with appropriate professional support and attention to safety.

The Question That Changes Everything

When your spouse says:

“How could you do this to me?”

you may find yourself drowning in guilt.

But there is another question worth asking:

“What happened between us that brought me to the point where divorce felt necessary?”

That question does not remove your responsibility.

It puts responsibility back into its proper context.

Marriage is a relationship.

Divorce paperwork may have one person’s signature on the first page, but the history behind that signature can contain years of experiences.

Filing is an action.

The reasons behind filing are the story.

Do not confuse the two.

Final Thoughts

The person who files for divorce is not automatically the person who destroyed the marriage.

Sometimes filing is the final acknowledgment that something has already become unsustainable.

Your spouse may genuinely love you.

They may genuinely be devastated.

They may genuinely wish you would stay.

Their feelings deserve to be recognized.

But their pain does not erase the history that led you here.

Healthy accountability requires everyone involved to examine their own choices. You can examine yours. You can apologize for the things you genuinely did wrong. You can learn from your mistakes. You can treat your spouse with dignity during the divorce.

But you do not have to carry their portion of the responsibility simply because they refuse to pick it up.

Perhaps the healthiest sentence a person leaving a destructive marriage can eventually learn to say is:

“I am responsible for how I leave. I am not responsible for pretending there was no reason I needed to.”

That distinction can be the beginning of moving from guilt toward clarity—and eventually toward peace.

References

Arriaga, X. B., Florkiewicz, R. M., & Gu, Y. (2026). The psychological entrapment of partner abuse. Current Opinion in Psychology, 70, 102305. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2026.102305 (PubMed⁠)

Baum, N., et al. (2012). Assessing guilt toward the former spouse: The Guilt in Separation Scale. Psychological Assessment. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027444 (PubMed⁠)

Beck, C. J. A., Anderson, E. R., O’Hara, K. L., & Benjamin, G. A. H. (2013). Patterns of intimate partner violence in a large, epidemiological sample of divorcing couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 27(5), 743–753. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034182 (PubMed⁠)

Culos-Reed, S. N., et al. (2025). “Don’t you love me?” Abusers’ use of shame-to-guilt to coercively control 2SLGBTQQIA+ individuals and rural women experiencing intimate partner violence. Women’s Health. https://doi.org/10.1177/17455057251335361 (PubMed⁠)

McLindon, E. V.-M., Brown, C., McKenzie, M., Tarzia, L., & Hegarty, K. (2026). Development and validation of the Psychological Abuse in Relationships Scale. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 41(9–10), 1985–2008. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605251325912 (PubMed⁠)

Mechanic, M. B., Weaver, T. L., & Resick, P. A. (2008). Mental health consequences of intimate partner abuse: A multidimensional assessment of four different forms of abuse. Violence Against Women, 14(6), 634–654. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801208319283 (PubMed⁠)

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What is emotional abuse? (The Hotline⁠)

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). What if my abusive partner apologizes? (The Hotline⁠)

Spearman, K. J., et al. (2023). Post-separation abuse: A literature review connecting tactics to harm. Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody & Child Development. https://doi.org/10.1080/26904586.2023.2177233 (PubMed⁠)

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S is a licensed clinical social worker, mental health professional, writer, and educator whose work focuses on relationships, emotional wellness, trauma, behavioral health, personal growth, and the complicated human experiences surrounding marriage, separation, grief, and major life transitions.

Through his professional background in social work and behavioral health, Collier approaches relationship struggles from both a clinical and deeply human perspective. His writing emphasizes personal accountability while recognizing that healthy relationships require responsibility from both partners. He encourages readers to distinguish between genuine remorse and destructive self-blame, between forgiveness and permission, and between loving another person and sacrificing one’s emotional well-being to maintain a relationship that has become unhealthy.

His work seeks to translate psychological and relationship concepts into practical language that ordinary people can apply to their everyday lives. Whether addressing divorce, depression, anxiety, trauma, family relationships, personal boundaries, or emotional healing, his goal is to help individuals better understand their experiences and move toward healthier, more intentional lives.

This article is intended for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental-health, legal, or medical advice.

Healthy Love Starts with a Healthy Sense of Self

Most of us want to love and be loved. Healthy relationships can bring comfort, support, and joy. They help us through life’s challenges and give us someone to celebrate with during good times. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, honesty, and good communication (American Psychological Association [APA], 2024).

While relationships are important, they should not decide how much we value ourselves. Our worth should not depend on another person’s approval. Research shows that healthy relationships are strongest when both people bring their own strengths, values, and identity into the relationship (Bowen, 1978; Rodríguez-González et al., 2023).

What Is Self-Worth?

Self-worth is the way you see and value yourself. It is not based only on your job, your grades, your money, or whether someone else approves of you. Your worth does not disappear because you make a mistake or have a bad day.

People with a healthy sense of self-worth are often better able to handle stress, recover from setbacks, and build healthy relationships. They are also more likely to show themselves kindness instead of harsh criticism when life gets difficult (Neff, 2023).

Self-worth is not about believing you are better than other people. It is about knowing that you have value, just like everyone else.

When You Start Losing Yourself

Most people do not lose themselves all at once. It usually happens little by little. You may stop seeing friends as often. You may give up hobbies you once loved. You may stop chasing your own goals because all of your attention goes toward keeping someone else happy.

Some signs this may be happening include:

  • • Feeling like every disagreement means you have failed.
  • • Needing constant reassurance that you are loved.
  • • Believing another person’s opinion decides your value.
  • • Feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness.
  • • Giving up your own interests just to avoid conflict.

These patterns can happen in any close relationship, including romantic relationships, friendships, and even family relationships. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward making healthy changes.

 What Research Says

Family therapist Murray Bowen believed healthy people can stay close to the people they love without losing who they are. He called this differentiation of self (Bowen, 1978). Newer research continues to support this idea. People who keep their own identity while staying emotionally connected often report healthier and more satisfying relationships (Rodríguez-González et al., 2023).

Healthy Love Means Growing Together

Healthy relationships are built on interdependence. This simply means two people support one another while still being their own person. Healthy love does not require you to give up your dreams, your values, or your personality. Instead, it encourages both people to continue growing.

Healthy relationships often sound like this:

  • • “I care about your opinion, but it does not define my worth.”
  • • “We can disagree and still respect each other.”
  • • “I want both of us to reach our goals.”
  • • “We make each other stronger without changing who we are.”

Research on adult attachment shows that people who feel emotionally secure are often better able to communicate honestly, trust their partners, and work through conflict in healthy ways (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

Helping Each Other Grow

Healthy relationships are not just about keeping your own identity. They are also about helping the other person grow.

When you truly care about someone, you want good things for them. You want them to reach their goals, learn new skills, build healthy friendships, and become the best version of themselves. A healthy relationship should make both people feel supported—not held back.

Supporting someone does not mean solving all of their problems or making every decision for them. Instead, it means believing in them, encouraging them, and standing beside them as they grow. Research shows that people are more likely to thrive when they have supportive relationships that encourage both personal growth and independence (Feeney & Collins, 2015).

Healthy support can look like this:

  • • Encouraging them to finish school or continue learning.
  • • Celebrating their accomplishments, both big and small.
  • • Respecting their hobbies and interests, even if they are different from your own.
  • • Encouraging healthy friendships and family relationships.
  • • Supporting healthy habits, like getting enough rest, exercising, or asking for help when needed.
  • • Believing in them during difficult times without trying to control their choices.

Sometimes growth can feel uncomfortable. One person may start a new job, go back to school, begin counseling, or work toward a personal goal. Healthy partners do not feel threatened by these changes. Instead, they celebrate them. They understand that one person’s growth does not take away from the other person’s success. In fact, when one person grows, the relationship often grows stronger too (Feeney & Collins, 2015; Rodríguez-González et al., 2023).

Healthy love is not about one person shining while the other stays in the background. It is about two people walking beside each other, encouraging one another, celebrating each other’s successes, and becoming stronger together.

Respect Without Losing Yourself

Respect is one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship. Respect means listening, speaking kindly, being honest, and trying to understand another person’s point of view. It also means treating one another as equals and respecting each other’s boundaries (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists [ACOG], 2025). Healthy relationships include respect, communication, honesty, independence, and equality. They allow both people to be themselves while feeling safe and supported.

Respect does not mean giving up your beliefs, your personality, or your values just to keep the peace. It is okay to have different opinions. Healthy relationships allow room for differences because both people know they can disagree without attacking each other’s character.

Every healthy relationship has disagreements. The goal is not to avoid conflict. The goal is to work through it with kindness, patience, and respect. Couples who communicate well, listen to one another, and solve problems as a team often have stronger and longer-lasting relationships (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

You can value another person’s opinion without letting it decide how you feel about yourself. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. In fact, it often makes relationships stronger.

Taking Care of Yourself Helps Your Relationship

When you care for your own physical, emotional, and mental health, you have more to give to the people around you. You are also better able to handle stress, communicate clearly, and support others. Research shows that practicing self-compassion is linked to better emotional well-being, healthier relationships, and greater resilience during difficult times (Neff, 2023).

Try to:

  • • Spend time with supportive friends and family.
  • • Keep hobbies that bring you joy.
  • • Set personal goals.
  • • Take care of your physical and mental health.
  • • Speak to yourself with kindness.
  • • Learn from mistakes instead of letting them define you.
  • • Ask for help when you need it.

Remember, taking care of yourself is not taking away from the people you love. It helps you become a healthier partner, friend, parent, family member, or coworker.

A Few Questions to Think About

Take a minute to ask yourself:

  • Do I still make time for the people and activities that matter to me?
  • Can I disagree with someone I love without feeling like I have lost my value?
  • Am I encouraging the people I care about to grow and follow their own goals?
  • Do I speak to myself with the same kindness I show others?
  • What is one thing I can do this week to care for myself and support someone I love?

There are no perfect answers. These questions are simply a way to check in with yourself and continue growing.

Final Thoughts

Healthy love is not about finding someone to complete you. It is about two whole people choosing to walk through life together.

When you have a healthy sense of self, you can love others without losing yourself. When you support the growth of the people you love, you help create a relationship where both people can thrive. Research shows that close relationships are strongest when they help people through difficult times and encourage them to pursue their goals, learn new skills, and become the best version of themselves (Feeney & Collins, 2015).

Healthy love should add to your life—not become your whole life.

Remember this:

Your worth is not something another person gives you. It is something you already have. Healthy love helps you recognize that worth, strengthen it, and share it with others. At the same time, it encourages you to help the people you love discover and grow into the best version of themselves.

 About the Author

Julia Bruner, MSW, is a Clinical Associate at Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, where she is dedicated to supporting individuals and families as they work toward improved mental health and overall well-being. She recently earned her Master of Social Work degree from University of Pikeville, where she developed advanced clinical knowledge and a strong foundation in evidence-based therapeutic practices.

Julia is passionate about helping others navigate life’s challenges with compassion, empathy, and respect. She believes in creating a supportive and collaborative environment that empowers clients to build resilience, develop healthy coping skills, and achieve meaningful personal growth. Her approach emphasizes meeting individuals where they are while fostering hope, healing, and lasting positive change.

As an emerging mental health professional, Julia is committed to lifelong learning and providing high-quality, person-centered care. She values the importance of building trusting therapeutic relationships and is dedicated to helping those she serves discover their strengths and move toward healthier, more fulfilling lives.

References

American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. (n.d.). Healthy relationships. https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/healthy-relationships

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Marriage and relationships. https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). A new look at social support: A theoretical perspective on thriving through relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113–147. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868314544222

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (Rev. ed.). Harmony Books.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047

Rodríguez-González, M., Bell, C. A., Pereyra, S. B., Martínez-Díaz, M. P., Schweer-Collins, M., & Bean, R. A. (2023). Differentiation of self and relationship attachment, quality, and stability: A path analysis of dyadic and longitudinal data from Spanish and U.S. couples. PLOS ONE, 18(3), e0282482. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0282482

 

Article Eight: When Peace Feels Uncomfortable

Learning to Live Without the Chaos

By John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S
Part of the Healing After Heartbreak Series

The Story

It is Saturday morning. Your phone is quiet. No one is accusing you of something. No argument is waiting to begin. You do not have to explain where you were, defend what you said, or guess what mood another person is in. This should feel peaceful.

Instead, you feel restless.

You check your phone several times. You walk from room to room. You begin thinking about your former partner. Part of you misses the excitement, the long talks, and the intense moments when everything felt close again. Then you wonder, Why do I feel empty now that the fighting has stopped?

The answer may be uncomfortable, but it is important. When you live with emotional chaos for a long time, your mind and body can become used to being on alert. Calm may feel strange because you have not yet learned how to live inside it. Peace is not always felt as peace at first. Sometimes, it feels like silence, boredom, loneliness, or even danger.

Takeaway: Feeling uncomfortable in the quiet does not mean you belong back in the chaos.

Your Body Learned to Stay Ready

Unhealthy relationships are not always painful every moment. They may move between conflict and closeness.

One day, your partner is loving and attentive. The next day, they seem distant or angry. A small disagreement becomes a major argument. After hours or days of tension, there may be an apology, affection, or promise to change. Then the cycle begins again.

When this pattern continues, you may start watching for changes in voice, facial expressions, text messages, or body language. You learn to notice every small sign that trouble may be coming.

Research shows that unpredictable threats can create longer-lasting anxiety than threats that are clearly signaled. When people do not know when something unpleasant might happen, their bodies may remain on alert for a longer period (Grillon et al., 2004⁠).

This does not mean everyone leaving a difficult relationship has a trauma disorder. It means that repeated uncertainty can teach a person to stay watchful. After the relationship ends, the danger may be gone, but the habit of watching can remain.

Takeaway: Your body may still be preparing for problems that are no longer happening.

Calm May Feel Empty at First

Imagine living for years beside a busy highway. You hear cars, trucks, horns, and sirens throughout the day and night. Then you move to a quiet country road.

The same thing can happen emotionally.

On your first night, the silence may feel strange. You might have trouble sleeping because something seems missing. You became used to the noise, even though the noise was not good for your rest.

If your relationship was filled with arguments, breakups, reunions, accusations, apologies, and promises, your mind became used to strong emotional changes. When those changes stop, everyday life may seem flat. You might mistake the lack of chaos for a lack of love. You may begin to believe that peace is boring or that something must be wrong. But peace is not empty. It is simply quieter than conflict.

Takeaway: Quiet can feel uncomfortable because it is unfamiliar—not because it is unhealthy.

Intensity Is Not the Same as Intimacy

An intense relationship can feel deeply meaningful.

You may have stayed awake talking until morning. You may have shared painful secrets. You may have broken up and reunited many times. Each reunion may have felt powerful because it followed fear, anger, or loss. Those feelings were real. However, strong feelings do not always mean a relationship is strong.

Intensity is about how powerful a feeling is.
Intimacy is about how safely two people can know and trust each other.

Intensity says, “I cannot live without you.”

Intimacy says, “I can be honest with you and still feel respected.”

Intensity may rise quickly after a painful argument. Intimacy grows slowly through honesty, responsibility, trust, and steady behavior.

Studies of romantic conflict show that relationship arguments can create real physical stress responses. Attachment insecurity can also affect how strongly a person reacts during conflict and how quickly the body settles afterward (Powers et al., 2006⁠; Taylor et al., 2018⁠). That emotional rush can be mistaken for passion. Yet a racing heart is not always a sign of deep love. Sometimes it is a sign that your body is preparing for another painful moment.

Takeaway: A relationship can be emotionally intense without being emotionally safe.

You May Miss the Relief More Than the Conflict

Most people do not miss being criticized, ignored, controlled, or hurt. What they may miss is the relief that came when the conflict stopped. After a terrible argument, an apology can feel powerful. A hug may feel warmer. A peaceful evening may seem almost perfect because it follows hours or days of fear.

You may remember that relief as proof of love. But relief and safety are different. Relief happens when pain temporarily stops. Safety exists when you do not have to keep preparing for the pain to return.

It is similar to taking off a shoe that is too tight. The relief feels wonderful, but that does not mean the shoe was good for you. The relief was created by the discomfort that came before it. Healthy love should not require repeated emotional injury before kindness feels meaningful.

Takeaway: Sometimes what felt like deep connection was actually relief after distress.

Boredom May Be Hidden Grief

After a breakup, boredom is not always a lack of things to do. It can be grief wearing ordinary clothes.

You may miss having someone to think about all day. You may miss trying to solve the relationship. You may miss waiting for a call, planning your next conversation, or wondering what your partner meant.

Even painful relationships can give a person a sense of purpose:

How can I make this better?
How can I keep them happy?
How can I prevent another argument?
How can I get us back to the good part?

When the relationship ends, that job disappears. You are no longer managing the other person’s emotions. You are no longer trying to save the relationship.

The open space can feel like emptiness.

A breakup can also disturb your sense of identity. Research has found that partners often develop shared routines, activities, friendships, and ideas about who they are. When the relationship ends, a person may temporarily feel less sure of themselves (Slotter et al., 2010⁠).

You may not need more excitement. You may need time to discover who you are when you are no longer trying to survive the relationship.

Takeaway: What feels like boredom may be grief, lost purpose, or an identity waiting to be rebuilt.

Do Not Create Problems to Feel Normal

When peace feels uncomfortable, some people unknowingly create new conflict. You might send a message you know will begin an argument. You might check your former partner’s social media until you find something upsetting. You may enter a new relationship quickly or become suspicious when the new person treats you well.

You may even test someone’s love by withdrawing, accusing, threatening to leave, or asking the same question many times. These actions are not always planned. They may be attempts to return to an emotional state that feels familiar. When your life becomes calm, pause before creating a problem. Ask yourself:

  • Is something truly wrong, or does the quiet feel unusual?
  • Am I responding to what is happening now or to what happened before?
  • Do I need excitement, or do I need healthy connection?
  • Am I protecting myself, or am I testing someone?
  • What would a calm response look like?

Peace may feel unfamiliar, but you do not have to destroy it to make life feel normal again.

Takeaway: Do not mistake the discomfort of healing for proof that something is wrong.

A Simple Exercise: Peace or Disconnection?

Not every quiet situation is healthy. Silence can sometimes come from avoidance, loneliness, or emotional neglect. The goal is not to accept every empty relationship in the name of peace.

Use this exercise to tell the difference.

Unfamiliar Peace

Unhealthy Disconnection

I can speak without fear.

I am ignored when I try to speak.

Problems are discussed calmly.

Problems are avoided or punished.

I have room to think and rest.

I feel invisible and emotionally abandoned.

Words and actions usually match.

I receive mixed messages and broken promises.

I do not have to earn basic kindness.

Affection is withheld to control me.

Calm feels strange because I am used to conflict.

Calm feels empty because there is no care, effort, or connection.

Look at what is happening, not only at how unfamiliar it feels.

A healthy relationship may be quieter than your former relationship, but it should not leave you unseen. Peace includes honesty, respect, warmth, effort, and room for both people to have a voice.

Takeaway: Healthy peace is calm and connected—not silent and uncaring.

Teaching Yourself That Peace Is Safe

You do not have to force yourself to feel peaceful. You can learn peace through small, repeated experiences.

Begin by building a few steady routines. Wake up at a regular time. Eat meals without checking your former partner’s page. Take a short walk. Call someone who makes you feel grounded. Sit quietly for five minutes without trying to solve your whole future.

Research on habit formation shows that repeated actions in a consistent setting can slowly become more automatic. The amount of time varies widely, and missing one day does not erase the progress already made (Lally et al., 2010⁠).

You can also practice naming what you feel:

“Nothing bad is happening. The quiet simply feels unfamiliar.”

“I am not being abandoned. I am spending time alone.”

“I do not have to create a crisis to feel connected.”

“I can let this moment be calm.”

Mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment without quickly judging it. Research involving couples found that greater mindfulness during conflict was linked with better recovery from stress under some difficult interaction conditions (Laurent et al., 2016⁠).

You are not trying to erase the past. You are teaching your mind and body that the present is different.

Takeaway: Peace becomes more comfortable when you experience it repeatedly without running from it.

🌿 Therapist’s Note

Healing may feel less exciting than the relationship that hurt you. There may be no dramatic apology, late-night reunion, sudden promise, or emotional rescue.

Do not confuse the absence of drama with the absence of progress.

Sometimes healing looks like sleeping through the night. It looks like eating without a knot in your stomach. It looks like going several hours without checking your phone. It looks like making a decision without wondering how another person will react.

These moments may seem small, but they are signs that your life is becoming your own again.

Slotter, E. B., Gardner, W. L., & Finkel, E. J. (2010). Who am I without you? The influence of romantic breakup on the self-concept⁠. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(2), 147–160.

Layout note: Place a 2” × 2.5” symbolic photograph on the right side of the Therapist’s Note with text wrapping. Use a warm, cinematic image of a steaming cup beside an open journal in a quiet room at sunrise. The mood should feel peaceful, reflective, and real.

When More Support May Be Needed

Some people settle into a calmer life with time, support, and new routines. Others continue to feel tense, frightened, or unable to rest.

Consider speaking with a qualified mental health professional if you regularly experience panic, nightmares, severe anxiety, depression, constant alertness, or a strong urge to return to a dangerous relationship.

You should also seek support if your former partner is threatening, stalking, controlling, or frightening you. In those situations, safety matters more than closure.

Getting help does not mean you are weak. It means you are taking your healing seriously.

Takeaway: You do not have to teach yourself peace without support.

Final Thoughts

Chaos can make you feel busy, needed, and emotionally alive. Peace asks you to slow down and face the feelings that the chaos once covered.

At first, that may feel lonely.

Stay with it.

The quiet is not punishing you. It is giving you room to hear yourself again. The slow days are not empty. They are giving your mind and body time to recover.

One day, you will stop waiting for the next argument. You will stop reading kindness as a warning. You will stop believing that love must hurt before it feels meaningful.

Peace may be unfamiliar today, but unfamiliar things can become home.

About the Author

John S. Collier, MSW, LCSW-S, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the Executive Director of Southeast Kentucky Behavioral Health, LLC. With more than 25 years of experience in the behavioral health field, he has worked with individuals, couples, families, and communities facing some of life’s most difficult challenges. His clinical expertise includes trauma, grief, anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and life transitions. John believes that healing happens when people feel seen, heard, and supported with compassion and respect. He is passionate about translating psychological research into practical tools that empower people to understand their emotions, strengthen their relationships, and build healthier, more meaningful lives. As a therapist, speaker, and writer, John’s goal is simple: to offer hope, guidance, and practical solutions.

References

Grillon, C., Baas, J. P., Lissek, S., Smith, K., & Milstein, J. (2004). Anxious responses to predictable and unpredictable aversive events⁠. Behavioral Neuroscience, 118(5), 916–924.

Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H. M., Potts, H. W. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world⁠. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998–1009.

Laurent, H. K., Hertz, R., Nelson, B., & Laurent, S. M. (2016). Mindfulness during romantic conflict moderates the impact of negative partner behaviors on cortisol responses⁠. Hormones and Behavior, 79, 45–51.

Powers, S. I., Pietromonaco, P. R., Gunlicks, M., & Sayer, A. (2006). Dating couples’ attachment styles and patterns of cortisol reactivity and recovery in response to a relationship conflict⁠. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 90(4), 613–628.

Taylor, N. C., Seedall, R. B., Robinson, W. D., & Bradford, K. (2018). The systemic interaction of attachment on psychophysiological arousal in couple conflict⁠. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(1), 46–60.

Series Reminder

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means carrying yesterday without letting it steal tomorrow.